What's with All This

I SOOOO AGREE!!!!! I'm only on here to see if people have helpful tips. NOT to get yelled at by my parenting technique. Which I know it's not perfect, but its a ***** lot better then others. I actually switched from a certian cafe for moms to here because that's all I got there. Sarcatics remarks, whey H E double hockey sticks would I do that type comments. When I asked my first question here, I about just gave up and called it quits on these mommy forums.
Another thing I don't get it, if I ask for help for a certian topic, why are people suggesting things that I'm trying to get my son a way from! Like swaddling. I'm trying to ween him, but people kept suggesting ways to keep swaddling him. I understand that they are wanting to help, but I want to wean him. He is eventually going to not sleep with one! Why not now when he is starting to roll? . . .Sorry that's my frustration. . . .I'll stop now :) But for the people that have been helpful and very supportive THANK YOU!!!!!

I too have seen very rude comments. From now on I am going to call those people out on it. I am so thankful for the positive insights that many women share on this site. To bad there will always be bad apples in the bunch.

I think that part of the problem is that things sometimes come across when they are written in ways that they would not come across when spoken. When someone disagrees, they may feel that they are being supportive, but it can come across as judgemental when there is not a tone of voice. (Not saying this is true in your case, because there are undoubtedly people who are not being constructive).

It would be nice if people would re-read what they write and see if they can be nicer, but the person with the question can also take things with a grain of salt, since the answerer doesn't really know them and their situation well and can only give advice based on their interpretation.

Dear S.,
I'm not sure what you are really asking. I do notice a lot of posts saying "only constructive comments" or "nothing hurtful", BUT, just as an example, someone may ask for bottle feeding advice and get posts from those who think it's wrong not to be nursing in the first place. They assume they will get flack for it and ask ahead of time not to get into that argument.
Some women really just want to be agreed with and if that doesn't happen with all the responses, they take it to heart.
I don't think anyone is intentionally mean and if you had someone "blast" you, don't read her responses or write her a private message and ask why she felt that way.
What one person sees as rude or snippy, might just seem like blunt honesty to someone else . I personally, have never seen anything that needed to be reported as inappropriate. Calling names, threatening, out-and-out deliberately demeaning another person.
We're a pretty diverse group and we have very different opinions and ideas about things. That doesn't make any of us right or wrong.
If you get an opinion you don't like....DELETE.
Ultimately, you are in charge of your own life no matter what anyone else says.

Best wishes.

S.,
I can't answer for others, but it's a fact that 1. some of us here are lots older and have different view points, 2. feel that support doesn't mean coddling, but perhaps offering a different perspective. Because with some of the issues, it often seems to a reader that there's an aspect the writer is missing. Support entails offering options, not just being superficial. And it's also sometimes the case the writer is so wound up and angry, that even the most supportive comments would be construed as judgemental or negative. We can't see by reading how another person means something.
And I have to say that, yes, I've been reprimanded for being harsh. Why? Because one time I just could not believe what I was reading and there was no way I could think of to convey that maybe, just maybe, the writer was from another planet! To express that mildly. To me, support includes suggesting a different way of thinking, because when someone's already upset, support includes helping that person to calm down and think rationally. Otherwise nothing, not even the most marshmallowy thoughts and sugar sweet comments will be seen as anything except negative. Sugar coating things is a nice gesture, but it doesn't solve the problem. Hey I think every one of us here can remember our moms weren't always 100% in our corner. Sometimes it took being a little more stern. And we may not have always liked it, but it did shape us somehow. We need that ounce of discipline now and then to make wise rational choices. Sugar coating doesn't work. The opposite end of the spectrum doesn't either, but if a person's already ticked off, they aren't going to be able to guage which end of the spectrum will benefit anyway.

I've been on many message boards for different topics. This one is tame by comparison.

You can't control what other people write, only your response to it. As another person said, you cannot know the tone of someone's response. It might seem harsh or "mean", but maybe that person is just a no-nonsense type. Not going to sugar coat it or baby the person with the question.

And you're always going to have people that won't address the general question, and will judge. So what? Those people have just as much right to answer a question as they see fit as you do to post one. I also disagree with reporting posts you don't like. If a person is namecalling, sure, report it, but otherwise, let it go.

You also have many, many people that ask for advice, but cannot see the real problem, which is themselves. They don't want to recognize or address their own poor choices or they want to act like it doesn't matter to the current situation. Well, it does. And since we can go back and see what you've posted about previously, we can start to see patterns of behavior, which can tailor our responses. Remember, in all your disfunctional relationships, the one common denominator is you.

Plus, I think that all of us have seen questions that just cause us to roll our eyes and question the poster's intelligence. For me it's the, "Am I pregnant?" or "Could I be pregnant?" posts. Ugh! Really? Are you having unprotected sex? Go pee on a stick or see your doc. I can't even read those anymore - brings out the sarcasm in me.

My point is that if you're going to put your good, bad and ugly out on the internet, expect that not everyone is all sunshine, rainbows with super cute frolicking kittens and puppies in their responses.

GEEZ AREN"T YOU Judgemental!
i'm totally kidding.
i had an issue w/a comment left for me too.
i figure they have more problems than i do.
LOL

I've seen some direct answers (which may be construed as mean) & then I've seen some really mean answers that sound like the person responding is just an angry bitter person. Telling someone to get a grip is not constructive criticism. Telling them to look at the other person's point of view is contructive criticism. I do believe that some moms would not say what they say on here to someone's face. This forum should be a safe place to get support, you shouldn't feel worse after you ask your question! It doesn't mean that everyone has to agree, just be respectful!

I've had issues myself. I HAD a "friend" who saw someone else's post and thought I posted it about her. She then messaged this person thinking it was me, and said horrible nasty things about me. And in the end, completely ruined our friendship, and threw me under the bus for something I didnt do. She had also posted a question publicly about me and my child, knowing I'm a member of this site and would see it. I totally agree, this site is for support, and advice, FRIENDLY constructive advice! As mom's we have enough stress and scrutiny we don't need it from each other. If all you have to say is something nasty, keep it to yourself. What are you proving?

Thank you for the post. I agree with you.
L.

I think people have forgotten how to be kind to one another. Isn't this what we want to teach our children??

I will also say, if you do ask a question or ask for advise, you have a choice not to take it. Don't give away your power even if someone isn't being nice and thoughtful of your feelings.

I've had hate mail too. But the truth is that you are asking for other peoples opinions....not to hear only from people that agree with you. It sometimes is fact that other people see different options than we do.

I felt really sorry for one person who was babysitting for a room mate and hated it and was letting the newborn baby cry for hours so she could do her homework from college. She got tons of people yelling at her about neglect. She had to feel bad about her responses.

One thing I got hate mail about is trampolines. They are dangerous, kids can get teeth ripped out, bones broken, and most house insurance won't even cover any injuries received from them for your guests, and even some health insurance companies are not covering the injuries either. Children had died. So, this mom, of 2 girls ages 18 months and 3 years old, got very mad at me when I sent some links showing the dangers. She wrote to me saying "she was a good mom and HER kids would not get hurt, some people just didn't know how to take good care of their kids"...as if a mom is going to let her kid jump on a trampoline and turn wrong in a fall and break their neck and die on purpose.... She only wanted to know which brand had better quality but none of her responses were about that, they were all about the dangers and how she shouldn't get one.

I also got hate mail about bunk beds. My best friend from 7th grade-adult hood had an elementary school age son die from falling off the top bunk. I can't see a question about these topics and not respond against them, to me it's a big safety issue but to them it's none of my business.

It's a fine line here on mamapedia.com. You don't want to offend anyone but you do want to give your opinion since the mama is asking for your opinion.

I guess we all need to develop a thicker skin and take the good and disregard the advice we can't use. I still cringe everytime I see my email inbox has messages in it so I guess my skin isn't thick enough.

I've posted a lot of questions on here and mostly got positive responses. Some people judged me but I ignored them as they were not being helpful and it was obvious they didn't read the whole post. I posted something on my hubby who had started to work nights and my son and I had to tip toe through the house. One mom was critical that I wasn't doing enough, I only wore socks, my son and I wispered and I blocked the bottom doorway to muffle sound. Another mom came on and blasted the critical mom and noted this particular mom has been negative in other posts. I felt really good that some one who didn't know me was sort of defending me to a critical mom. It was nice. I do agree with some of these posts that some people who write a question don't really want an answer they just want people to agree with them. I would hope we all respond with an intent to help. Some posts just trigger some people who have already gone through a similar experience and they might sound tough or negative, but they already lived it and are throwing out tough love. The only thing we as posters need to be aware of is when you through out a question/statement to the mommas you have to expect a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. It is then up to you to decide to take the advice that fits for your situation and flush the rest.

Preach on sister!!!
I'm pretty sure there's enough people out there that are more than willing to tear us ALL down...we really don't need that here....especially after one has made herslf vunerable by asking questions and for advice. I have been moved to tears many times by the outpouring of support to Moms by Moms. I have laughed just as hard.
I'm more than happy to call people out on this issue, too....and that's my commitment to you Moms...from here out...I love this place this IS my "girl time."

I agree too..............its very frustrating to read the negative responses. I wish we could just be nicer to each other. We may all be battling something in this life, something big or small it doesn't matter, its still something , and just a helpful hand( in our words to each other ) along the way makes all the difference.
Yes , we are strangers, but we're WOMEN and MOMS. Why do we have to be so unkind to each other?

lol I'll probably get bashed too. :)

I agree 100%! I have posted a few questions on here and read several posting were other people become so judgemental it just blows my mind. I guess not every one was taught if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all.

I have called a few people out just because I was so upset after reading their comments that I was sitting there complaining to my husband hours later. He jsut said if you are that upset do something about it so I did. LOL

Women come here for support and that is what we all of us deserve. Being a mom is one of the toughest jobs out there.

Sometimes, unfortunately, the poster doesn't actually want advice and if you don't write what they want to read, they will get extremely rude. I had a woman write me a very rude email after I responded to her request for healthcare for an illegal employee. From her response to me it was clear she didn't bother reading what I had written to her. In addition, my response was one of the kinder ones. As a previous poster wrote 'we have to take things with a pinch of salt', we cannot know the tone of the writer but, I think we should assume that the responder is writing with their best intentions - and we all know that even the best intentions can sometimes go awry. We are all mothers, even the ones who are responding, and (as we have all noted many times) none of us is perfect. Write gently and read with an open mind. Even your best friend doesn't always tell you what you want to hear but it doesn't mean she is hiding behind her own problems, just that she has a differing opinion. I doubt any of us are poet laureates therefore some of the best intentions can be lost in translation. Now i feel I am rambling (for a change). Good luck to everyone on their parenting rollercoaster and lets all try to be tolerant of one another.

good for you for saying something, if a person can't be helpful or just doesn't believe in your seriousness then they should do as I was taught as a child "If you can't say anything nice ,don't say anything at all!!"

I totally agree and may I add, lets do this in person also. We have no idea what others are going through or have been through, so we need to try to support all moms and their kids in public.

I have asked moms if they "need help?", told them "I promise this part is not forever," and "hang in there," when I could tell they are at their wits end.

I know that I have also counted to 10 before suggesting something that maybe the mom is not going to want to hear.

And I have also stepped in when they look and sounded like they have lost it. I know it is not my job, but when you see someone distressed, I feel like they need to know they are not alone.

9 times out of 10 the info, comments, etc. are helpful, even if they are stern. As in life, there are some judgemental idiots who will slam people, which is uncalled for, and I have flagged at least one myself. Yes, some people ask questions and my thoughts are "what in the world were they thinking?" re. their situation, etc. - some things seem very obviously to be bad decisions, etc. but unless you've walked in someone else's shoes, we really need to back off.

Now, I will say, that if someone is doing something that borders on or is actually illegal, dangerous, etc. we should be frank, but that doesn't include blasting - I have no patience for that behaviour, either. Thanks for bringing this up.

I'm assuming the people that do the blasting, though, will totally not see this as referring to them LOL!

Agreed i just found this sight and it is very helpful. I was feeling so alone and lost some where. I found friends here .. Please lets keep the happiness going negatiive doess not do well for anyone

I know this is a little off topic, but there also seem to be a few on here who are taking surveys or something. Based on their profiles and previous questions asked, they are not moms who want help. I like to be on this site to get help on my questions and help others, not be part of someone's survey.

I agree. I love mamasource because for the most part, the women are really sincere and kind. It's been so nice to see such open hearted women being helpful. However, there have been a few nasty or snippy comments. I had someone tell a lady after my comment not to listen to me because I don't have credentials. I just shared what I went through and the books that helped me. I never claimed to be a doctor or anything. I just figured she was working through some issues as well but thought it was odd. I've seen other mom's be rude in their comments to women who were hurting. Thankfully, that doesn't happen very often, otherwise, I wouldn't keep coming back. =) Hopefully, it will keep being positive. I'm sure it will. Thanks for sharing, S.! Have a good day!