When Is Too Early to Start Disciplining?

we have to switch up the ways we discipline my five year old. Over the years different things have worked at different times.

1. changing the location of the time out -
2. increasing the amount of time out
3. removing toys from her room
4. withholding TV show (this year this has worked)
5. and probably not sanctioned by professionals - bribing for good behavior

I started time outs at 12 months old. I wrote a LONG post about it (which I've submitted to be an article here on Mamapedia!) here:

http://prettybabies.blogspot.com/2007/07/wfmw-how-to-do-t...

Hope it helps!!

There are some great books out there on this topic - Smart Love by Martha heineman Pieper and William Pieper, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, How to talk to your children so they will listen and listen to your childrenso they will talk by Jane Nielsen. Really what you are describing is very developmentally normal behavior and the good news is that it goes away sometimes as soon as in a few months. The most important thing is that you not interact badly with your child and actually exacerbate the problem. When a child is having a meltdown they are pretty stressed out and so time out which actually was a pigeon training strategy developed many years ago is likely not a good option. It also isn't a good option before age 3 even if you use it. If a child is stressed, it is better to help them calm down. And then discuss with them the issue. I know discussion?? That doesn't mean that you don't deal directly with health and safety issues - yes immediately take the scissors away etc. but also think about what they are melting down about. Are you enforcing some rule just for convenience or for control? Is the No actually necessary (sometimes yes, sometimes no). Amusingly, I find with my daughter if I tell her she can't have something, she wants it. So I sometimes work out what I want her to have/eat and say oh no that is for mommy and then she insists on having/eating it. Personally, I think about 14 months to 2 is a very hard time if you have an active, independent child with opinions of their own :) My daughter was also a terrible flinger of food - but miraculously, it has stopped, she really only does it now if you leave her unattended for a while and she gets bored. If you think your little one is trying to get a rise from you then just ignore it. If she is hitting etc, then tell her people don't like that and move away or if she is hitting another child, move her away and tell her she can't play with the child if she is like that. Remember she is very little and so will need to get all this explained to her a million times and even when she understands, she is innately impulsive at her age. Good luck and enjoy.

The terrible two's always start before 2yrs of age and last up until their about 4 yrs old. So start disciplining not make sure when you discipline her she understands what she is doing wrong otherwise what's the point. Good Luck!

Ha, my d does the same thing. She will be 17 months the end of this week. When she gets out of hand, I refuse to pick her up unless there is a true reason for it (sick or upset about something that happened). She has had screaming fits and I tell her in a normal tone that I will not pick her up until she calms down or give her what she wants until she does. Also, I have had moments that she has a fit that I tell her she can let me know when she is done and i continue to do what I need to do. I am close by but she is not getting the attn she wants. When she throws something I take it away and do not give it back until some other time. This way she will--eventually--associate the tantrum or other bad behavior with loss of a toy or whatever it is she wanted. Luckily, the tantrums don't last a really long time. When she hits, I tell her no hitting (the fake crying doesn't work, she thinks it is funny). If she continues, I remove her from the area or situation.

BTW: I don't think of it as terrible twos, it is terrible toddlerhood. They cannot voice everything and do not know exactly how to express themselves during this time.

I guess I'm in the minority. I think it's never too early to start. I started time outs with mine before he was one. There's also Mom voice, counting, and probably like million thing I do in a sigle day. Mixing it up really helped. I am always complimented on the good and well-behaved kid I have (just a little over 2). I guess I just went with what I remember my mom doing as a kid. If she thought it was bad or naughty the kid was told as much. Old School I know. Work well in my house.

I am also blessed with a "spirited" child. Was told this by several people before my daughter was 2 so I looked it up and did nothing more about that until recently (4 now). I just started reading "spirited child or dreamer" and it's amazing so far in how well it describes my kid (and me!). It is a personality type that requires a bit of a gentle approach. Back then I learned by trial and error what worked. I did time outs consistently even though she thought it was funny. It gave us both a chance to switch gears. Eventually she got it and they work very well. Many behaviors she will just grow out of anyway. I found I always had to give her plenty of downtime. I could see a downward spiral coming and we'd have to switch gears right away. On playdates, we'd have to go play alone for a few minutes . I also always have to give her choices about EVERYTHING to get her to cooperate. It's also helpful to always let her know what's going on that day and remind her before you transition to the next thing or activity. Good luck! If you think none of that applies to you, I can answer your question by saying my doctor told me at 6 months to start setting limits on behavior. She said if you wait until you think your child gets it, it will be too late. It's so true. My husband never thinks the kids are old enough to understand the concepts I try to teach them but they are much smarter than he gives them credit for!

Very typical for her age, my son started that at around that age also, he is now 20mths and isn't as bad, but still likes to test me.. I know all kids are different, but She just wants your attention, and is probably frustrated when she wants something and doesnt' get it, I had no luck with time out, i feel like he was too young then, he's about ready for it now. Most of our problem was him being really hungry after daycare and acting out and wanting attention when we got home, so i gave him snack on the way home and then once we got home, I always try to encourage him being a big 'helper' etc.. and he really does alot better, makes things harder and messier, but he's not so frustrated. Also I tried to make the room to where I wouldn't have to constantly say NO all the time where he could basically run around and have fun without being yelled at..i hate always saying NO NO.. so i tried that as well as redirecting him to other things when I dont' want him doing something...Not that it always works but helps... As for the hitting, he would do that and I would say NO..we don't hit mommy and if he did it again i'd say it and put him down, and go away from him and ignore him, cause it was like he just wanted a rise out of me. He eventually stopped, he still does it occasionally, he goes thru phases of being really good, then he'll get really onery. I just try to stay consistent as much as I can.
GOOD LUCK!

I talked with my ped about the same thing. My 16 month old is hitting us but mostly our poor dogs. We go through the "time out" routine, but we don't actually expect her to sit. She gets right up when I put her down. My main goal is to let her know that what she is doing is wrong and that she is being removed from the situation...even if its for a few seconds :)

My 16 month old son has gotten his first two timeouts in the last two weeks. I only have done this when he is clearly doing something "bad" even though I am telling him no.

His timeouts at this age are only me removing him from the actual area he is behaving badly in and sitting him down agaist the wall or couch and saying "we do not do this" and you have to sit here now. He sits there for about 10 seconds and gets up. He is aware that he has had bad behavior. We let it go after that.

I just wanted to start the process of having a technique we will use. I'm sure as he gets older it will mean more to him and he will be expected to actually sit in the designated area. But for now it helps me to know this will be the method we use.

#1. No it's not too early - my duaghter showed the same activity around 12 months. #2. It's never too late to discipline your child. BUT the method is really the question & at the end of the day you have to go with your gut and what YOU'RE comfortable with. I have had people recommend I whoop/whip/hit my now 26 month old daughter and it's just something i am VERY uncomfortable with - period. So I don't use that method and I don't judge others who do. I usually hope they aren't judging me for my choice either. But the point is this...If you prefere something non-physical (and you may need to get physical to remove them from a situation or area) start working right now on your serious stern look & voice and keep with the time outs. When I put my daughter in a timeout (which is in my bedroom with the door pulled up & not completely closed) she'll spend up to an hour or more sitting there just crying. And I let her "work it out" and after her good cry I tell her why I did it & why it's important she cease with certain behaviors. So just use your best maternal judgement about the situation. You know her best and (believe it or not) you know best how to discipline her and what will give results.

Try not to see the behaviors as stemming from negative intentions, such as "attention seeking", "testing boundaries", or "deliberate". She is 16 months old, and has so much to learn! Think about how complicated we adults can find it to know when we can do what we feel like doing, when we need to do what someone else is asking us to do, and how to balance those sometimes conflicting things. Think also about how hard it can be for us to communicate what we are wanting or needing from the important people in our lives, and we have language!

Discipline doesn't need to be about time-outs or other consequences designed to curb unwanted behavior. It can be more about helping our children to learn good, appropriate ways to communicate what they want and need, and to trust us enough to listen to us when it comes to limits and reasonable boundaries.

So, when she is frustrated, give her ideas for expressing herself. When she wants your attention, give her good ideas for asking for it, "I don't like it when you scream at me, but I'd love a silly hug from behind or a tap on my shoulder." "Please don't stand on the back of the couch, you could fall. If you want to climb, let's go to the park." Support her smart, spirited self by offering her good choices. Be playful and fun and she will want to do the right thing.

By the way, this theory works for teenagers too! Keep a sense of humor and balance of support and limits, "I know I'm a silly mom thinking that it's not safe to ride the train at 2am, but I am the mom, so humor me."

Dr. Sears has a great book, the Discipline Book. Also, 1, 2, 3 Magic is good. I think she's a little young for any of it, but you can start by crying when she hits you to show her that we don't hit. There's also a series of books, starting with Hands are Not for Hitting, geared toward very young kids that you can start reading her.

As far as the screaming and fits, welcome to having a 2 year old. There is nothing you should do to "discipline" these. In fact, encourage them. Tell her, "Oh, you are going to have a tanrum now? Great. This is a good place. Now just let me know when you are all done so we can play". Talk to her in a whisper when she is screaming, she'll have to stop to listen to you. Walk away, and let her scream. She'll soon figure out that the tantrum is not very effective and maybe there is another, more positive way to get your attention.

Tantrums are normal at her age, and it's because she is too young to voice her wants or needs, so she screams out of frustration. So let her be frustrated. Then, you can come back and deal with whatever it is.

True discipline, I think, starts around age 3. Before then, they really arent' ready, but it doesn't mean that you can't mold behavior. Teach natural consequences, and that in turn teaches discipline.

It doesn't hurt or harm a child to introduce time-outs at that age, but please be aware that most children are not able to fully understand cause-and-effect until they turn 2 years old. (And empathy for others does not develop until 3-4 yrs of age.) I'll bet your daughter doesn't actually understand what the time-out is and how it is connected to her previous behavior. She thinks you have started a fun, new game called "time-out"!

Until a child is 2yrs old, your most effective tools for stopping undesirable behavior is distraction and re-direction. You are right about her starting to look for a reaction from you -- it's funny when Mommy's face gets upset or distorted! The ideal reaction for you is a non-reaction (which can be very, very difficult when you are being tested!!!) and re-direct her to some other activity.

Before my son turned 2, I used time-outs for the most serious offenses -- when my son hit his sister. But these time-outs were in a contained area, away from everyone else. (A playpen in a separate room, his crib in his bedroom, etc.) We did this consistently, and over time he started to understand that he would be taken away by himself to be alone if he hit her. But it was closer to when he was 2.

Good luck!

What we found with our daughter who is pretty advanced for her age (now 4 years old) at about that same time, we were able to avoid a LOT of tantrums and such by teaching her some sign language signs. At that age, they know what they want, but don't have the extensive vocabulary to express it fully. We started using the signs when she was about 6 months and continued, but at that age she would catch on really quick. Also, try asking her for her opinion on things - like what she wants to wear. Pick out 2-3 outfits you would like her to wear and ask her "Which do you want to wear?" Same with food choices - if you make her feel that she is in control, by giving her choices, the tantrums and issues should subside...at least for a while! Good luck!

Oh she's testing boundaries all right, and at the perfect age for it! There is a difference between behavior in a small child you can EXPECT and behavior you can ACCEPT. Although she may not get much from discipline now, you are teaching her your displeasure with her very age appropriate behavior. Continue what you are doing. The best way to curb a behavior at this age is to remove the child from the situation, or divert her attention. Your instincts are good. Or at least I think so!
Settle in for the the ride, Mom, and buckle up!!:)

I don't think it is too early to start and I never think there is ever an easy age. Disciple to me is very difficult. I know you probably shouldn't feel bad but I do... always. But now that my son has turned two I see why it would have been so important to start disciple earlier. (noting up to this point has compared to the TERRIBLE TWOs). I also wanted to say that I don't think it is as much as discipline as it is consistency. It is VERY VERY important because we may not think that they listen or understand but they really do and if you let something slide once or twice it will be that much harder to not let them do it play with it ect....

It's not too early for some consequences. Obviously your little one doesn't know what Disneyworld is so if you say if you do sch and such and if you do you won't go to Disneyworld, she's not going to be too motivated. But if she wants that Dolly in the corner, leggos, ptcruiser whatever, and she is acting up, well she just can't have it. Things like that. I had sons, so as they got older (still have them actually and they got older-haha) but they liked things like nintendo or computer use, etc. Obviously she is too young for those things but they will grow and that will become a great bartering tool. For now, little consequences-if you don't do this, you don't get that cookie. And since you have a great daycare (lucky you) you could co ordinate your feelings on discipline.

The dirty little secret that no one tells new mommies is that the terrible 2's start at around 15-17 months old & last until they are 3 & a half to 4 years old. Then this behavior resurfaces when they are teenagers. It is not to early to discipline your child. Children will test the boundaries & see how much they can get away with. What ever form of disipline you are comfortable with is what you should enforce. The most important thing is to stay consistent & remember you are the boss.

At that age, you're better off ignoring the behavior. Young toddlers don't understand positive and negative attention... it's all just attention. So she knows she'll get a reaction from you with certain behavior. We found that redirecting the behavior to something else was pretty successful. Save your "NOs" for things that are really serious and could cause injury (electrical outlets, fans, oven...) Time outs don't really work well until your child is more like 2 years old. You still have a while..

depends on your definition of "discipline". I take care of toddler issues by teaching them what I want them to do. If they hit, I tell them "we're gentle, be gentle" and take their hand to gently pat instead. If they throw something that they aren't suppossed to I remove that item. If they get into something that is breakable I move that something out of their reach.
In other words discipline at this age, and honestly most ages, is more about training them to know what you want and what you don't want. You need to control the environment to make it safe and where there are more yes's then no's.
Time outs and spankings are ok in dangerous situations, like they run into the street after you told them not to, but I don't see that happening with a toddler.

This is very normal. If you put her in a time out, try using 1 min. for every year they are. so with your 16 month old I would do a time out for 1 1/2 mins. And then whe her time out is done make sure you talk to her about why she was put in time out. Tell her I understand you're upset, However we can not throw toys (or hit or whatever has happened). Another thing you might want to try is natrual Consequences. If she keeps throwing toys after you have told er not to, then you take the toy away. And tell her why you took it away. Just remember that she is not the only child to test their parents. All children do it, it is part of them testing their individuality. And giving her controlled choices like another mom suggested will help with her act ups. Just breathe and keep calm. you can do this! Good luck!

the terrible twos is a term...kids go through that stage before two at two and in my opinion it is really the terrible threes! At this age it is best to redirect them (distract them to a more appropriate activity) or to simply ignore the behavior. My child was simply doing things for my reaction. Make sure this isnt your fault either. If your child is bored, tired, or hungry it is your fault if they act out. Also the purpose of a time out is for them to take a minute to thin about wha tthey did...something a 16 month old does not have the attention span for. I usually tell my daughter at eye level a very firm NO and put her in the corner, but do not force her to stay. That is enough to let her know mommmy is not happy. If your kid isnt gettting that maybe save that technique for a few months from now. At the day care we were not allowed to use timeouts until they were age 2. the best thing you can do at this age is to help them communicate because that is what causes all their frustration