My now 15 month old has begun hitting on a regular basis. It started when she was about 1, mostly with the dog, myself and her dad. Then it stopped for awhile and now it is in full force. The pediatrician told us to do time outs in her crib for 1 minute, which we did. Didn't seem to work, and another mom told me that it wasn't a wise idea because a) she probably didn't get it and b) when she is older and we really need to use time outs, she won't care- she'll be basically immune. Here's what we've tried:
Yelling Ow! That hurts!
Saying, No, be gentle and then showing her how to be gentle.
Pulling her away from whatever she is doing but then she just hits us.
I think that is it. All of worked at some point but nothing takes- she just keeps hitting. As soon as she does it and we say No, or Ow, she puckers up to give us a kiss. She knows it's wrong.
So-- any help or ideas on this would be great. I'm hoping it's a phase but it is going on and on and she's hitting kids on the playground. She is very independent and very loving (lots of hugs and kisses), happy and vocal (btw- if anyone knows how to get her to stop screeching that would be great too-- talk about a headache).
Thanks!
Hi B.,
I'm in the same boat as you and have no idea what to do. My daughter is 15 months too and does the same exact things. Can't wait to see what people can provide. I'm hoping it's a phase too..
Hi B.,
This is a very normal phase. At this age, the best solution is distraction and/or giving your daughter an alternative healthy way to release her frustration. Her little brain can only comprehend so much right now. While it's important to teach her that hitting is wrong, she needs more guidance than just simply telling her no or giving a time out. Actually, the more attention that is drawn to it, the more she might do it. Even though it's negative attention, it's still attention. When she hits you (or the dog), tell her "no no" and if she does it again, then simply remove her from the situation. If you're holding her, put her down. If it's the dog, take her in a different room or separate them. If she's on the playground, teach her to use her words instead of hitting (you can tell her what to say "Can I have a turn?") I know at this age they probably don't have the vocabulary, so maybe teach her a simple word "Please". If she keeps hitting and doesn't get it, then you'll have to remove her from the playground. If she's kicking and screaming, just remain calm and try to distract her by taking a walk and showing her flowers or whatever. And if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to go home. That way you're not allowing her to continue the behavior and she'll eventually get it that if she wants to play with you, the dog, other kids, she can't hit. And when she plays nice, praise her. When you see that she's mad and handles it without hitting, tell her how proud you are and what a good girl she is. I also recommend teaching her that if she's mad she can hit a pillow (but not people or animals). You can do this by "in the moment of her frustration" bringing her to a pillow and showing her how to hit it and make it a fun silly game. This way her feelings are being acknowledged and she's given ways to deal with these urges that are acceptable. When we went through this stage, we got one of those blow up kid's punching bags. It will take time. Children learn by repetition. Just be consistent and she will stop doing this. As she gets older you can teach her other ways to deal with frustration (taking deep breaths, counting to 10, writing out the feelings on paper) and when she doesn't choose those healthy methods, then there's going to be consequences (loss of privileges etc). I hope this helps. I'm speaking from experience and have learned that positive reinforcement of good behavior is so much more effective than fear of discipline. With this method there are still consequences, but it's done in a loving healthy way to give your child the skills she'll need to deal with feelings instead of learning to suppress them. Best of luck, K.
p.s. The screeching is a phase too. My oldest daughter did that and she has a very high pitch scream. It was awful. We have it on tape and laugh about it now (she's almost 5). You can teach her indoor voice vs. outdoor voice. When she screams, take her outside and let her get it out. Bring her inside and say indoor voice quiet and play a whispering game. I know this might not keep her from screeching inside. Sometimes it's best to ignore certain things and when she realizes no one cares she's doing it, she'll get bored of it and stop. Hang in there!! These are normal phases and it will pass!
That Mom gave you better advice than your Pediatrician.
She is right.
Among all the other great answers you will receive, PLEASE keep in mind, that a child this young is still learning about this world... they don't know "rules."
Most importantly, a child this age does NOT have "impulse control." So, even if you tell them not to do something, they WILL do it again. FULL impulse control, is not developed until about 3+ years old. So, there is a long way to go in learning and just plain developmental progress and maturity. No matter what method you use, it has to keep this in mind, and that it is age appropriate. ALSO, many parents get frustrated because they sorta expect their child to "behave" like an older child. So keep it in line with your child's age... "discipline" is all about "teaching". At this age, hard-line expectations and "discipline" is not going to be in line with a child's cognition.
Keep in mind, this is a phase and it will pass. It's normal and common. Some kids even bite, pull hair, and push.
I really recommend perhaps getting a book...often times, we try to "correct" a child and "discipline" them, without considering their age and development. It's all about ages and stages. The Book "Your 1 Year Old" (you can get it on Amazon.com) is real great, and there is a book for each age. The point of all this, is that as much as we want to "mold" our children... we MUST ALSO "understand" how it is for them.....and understand the particular age dynamics/development of our child, FIRST. THEN.. with these things in mind and in our knowledge... then, it becomes all the more palatable as we "teach" our children. And it teaches US, how to better approach and handle the outbursts/tantrums or behavior we don't like.
There will be MANY more "phases" coming up... and all with behaviors we don't like... and want to correct. So, arm yourself with understanding each age stage... and then, from there, use your heart in "choosing" how to handle it.
Mostly, a child needs understanding... all their lives, they are at the short-end of the stick whereby they are always being told what to do, how to do it, being corrected and scolded, being told they are naughty or "good," and being approached this way 24/7. Geez... how fun is that? No wonder they get frustrated.
It's not all peachy... but nurturing the behaviors we "want", and then assisting them in communicating and teaching them that they CAN come to us for anything under the sun, makes a child more approachable as well. Then they trust us, and know that even though we put "boundaries" upon them and rules... that we are being there for them.
You're doing fine... don't worry. All kids get spirited and like this. It's a phase and throughout ALL their child-hood... they will always need us to navigate them, the best we know how.
Time-outs don't always work with all kids. But I think 15 months old is too young for this.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, there are sooo many ways and many times we are just trying things on the fly. It's okay. Just NEVER feel "embarrassed" or self-conscious about your daughter's behavior... or while out in public... ALL Moms have gone through this. Not just your child. NO child is a "perfect" little "Stepford" child. LOL
Just guide her lovingly, and firmly if needed, and with openess. Then they will trust their Parents too.
take care,
Susan
You have gotten so much great advice. I just want to say that time outs can be done effectivly at your daughters age. If you choose to do them try using this method. I'll use hitting for my example.
Child hits.
"Oh, no! Are you ok (recipient of the hit)?"
"I'm putting you in time out."
Place child in time out spot. (Crib, mat, high chair or even a room with no breakables and no toys will work.)
One minute per year of age later.
"Are you ready to talk?"
"Yes Mommy"
"I put you in time out because you hit. The rule is we are gentle with our friends. Lets go say sorry to (recipient of the hit)."
When the child is ready the phrase should be "I'm sorry I hit you. Will you forgive me?"
Each child has his/her own personality. Some respond better to other methods of correction. For my family this has worked very well. Well, except that I have a very stuborn daughter (she got it from me) who sometimes isn't ready to say sorry and gets another time out until she is ready to appologize. My daugher is now 3 1/2. This plan works well for my 1 1/2 yo son too, so far.
Good luck finding a teaching method or combination of methods that work for you.
Hello B.. Although I don't have a biting cure for you (so sorry!) I just wanted to say that I can't believe the pediatrician recommended the crib for a time out. I disagree with that method, as it will confuse her and have her associating bedtime/naptime, etc.. with being "naughty". You definitely do not want that to happen :( Best of luck to you. I was wondering if you have tried a fake cry when she hits. When my daughter was young and would hit me, I would "cry" (really obnoxiously) and she would be so upset that she would come over and console me. I don't think this is probably a good method, but it worked for me - my daughter hated to see me cry.
Babies are like boats, begin to steer them one degree off course and you could end up miles and miles in the wrong direction. The reason she's doing this (and the other things you seem unable to "control") is because she doesn't know you're serious. You must develop an attitude of seriousness with her, never give in, never create an atmosphere that says "sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not" - you must be very black and white. That doesn't mean angry or mean, just be extremely consistent and structured with your guidance and discipline. Also, remember she's still really young and very impressionable and you have already given her an impression (she kisses you when she knows she did something wrong). She is looking to you for boundaries and if you don't give them to her and stick to them religiously she will internalize the chaos and rebel at a later age which is something you really don't want to happen because then there really could be devastating consequences. Oh, ya - and BTW, PLEASE don't hit her back (as one other responder recommended) - you'll only be teaching her that hitting is ok. I mean, how can you say "don't hit" if you're hitting? That would be soooo confusing!
I didn't really understand why the "time outs" in her crib didn't work, but that is what I would recommend (if you're willing to give it a second try!), except it needs to be for at least 5 minutes to be effective . That was the most effective measure I found for my two babies at that age. My mom didn't like that I did that because she thought that it would make them dislike their beds when it came time for sleeping, but that was never the case. Both of my boys have been great sleepers and loved their cribs, and it was the best place to isolate them when needed. When she hits, give her a very stern "no, do not hit" (hopefully in a tone that you don't use much so it gets her attention) while you are carrying her to her crib and then put her in her crib alone for 5 minutes. Every child is different and some are more stubborn or strong-willed than others, but this was very effective with mine. You have to be consistent with the same response every time, whatever you choose, but this one worked well for us.
As for the screeching. I started it as a sort of "game" when they would get too loud, and we would practice our inside voices together. It was mainly happy noises that got too loud, so we kept it pretty light-hearted and fun, and it resolved eventually. She sounds like a happy little girl and will probably respond well to a game.
Good luck!
Hi B.: I believe you recieved an excellent response from SH. I will only comment on the suggestion from your pediatrician. He may be savy when it comes to medical emergencies,but that does'nt make him an authority on child behavior,by any means.It's as simple as using ones common sense. If you were to begin giving your toddler (time outs) in her (CRIB) How will she feel about (BEDTIME) in the future? If you use her crib for any type of punishment,she will begin to fight bedtime,as she will be confused and believe she is being punished each and every time you attempt to put her down. How is she suppose to know the difference at that age? I would guess you'd wind up spending a few hours a night, trying to convince your crying toddler, that (THIS TIME shes going to bed because shes tired and NOT because she was BAD)This is a thoughtless idea on your Doctors part. Doctors are human. they make mistakes to.We have to go by our motherly instincts,and good common sense.My advice would be to concentrate on teaching,instead of disapline.The hugs and kisses tell you she wants badly to please you,and the screeching,( because she can't speak yet is her way to communicate her lust for life.It's not much different than your OWN reaction ( had you won the LOTTERY) LOL. I wish you and your darlin girl the best.
You need to hit her back, when she hits you grab her hand and slap it. Then ask her if it hurt, tell her hitting hurts and if she doesn't like getting hit then she shouldn't hit either. Sometimes you have to experience the pain before you realize that it really hurts. Maybe she will finally get it if she is going to get hit back. (The bully method) The bully always gets away with hitting because everyone is to afraid to hit the bully back. The bully finally stops when someone beats up the bully. I'm not saying hitting is right but sometimes it buts things in perspective, do unto others as they would do to you. Hitting should only be used to teach a hitter that it hurts & you shouldn't hit others. Same with bitting, bite back. You shouldn't take the time to think about it. They need to have it done back to them immediatly. Before they have time to think so that the pain from hitting you or bitting you was as if they had hit themselfs or bit themselfs. Otherwize they don't put the 2 together. Small extension spans, if you waited then their mind is already off on something else, and they don't know why you are hitting them. Hope this helps. I only had to do it 3 or 4 times, bitting was once or twice depending on the child. J.
I went through the same thing when my son was this age. Like your daughter, my son is very high spirited. I deal with behavior in children all day long (I teach special ed) and this behavior still threw me for a loop. I tried the redirection and modeling, but there came a point where I needed to do more. The other ladies are right-do not use the crib as a punishment. Your pediatrician must be male or have no children to suggest that :). The most important thing to remember is to not give the hitting a lot of attention as this will only reinforce the behavior. With my son, I first try to redirect his attention to something else. If the hitting continues, I tell him to give me a hug or show me nice hands. If he still continues to hit, I give him a warning that he is going to go to on time out. The rule of thumb for time out is 1 minute for every year of age. Starting out, I began by counting to 10 and then increased it to 20, then 30. It may take multiple attempts to get your daughter to stay, but you have to stay consistent or she will learn that she can just get out of it. I found that we did this a lot at first, but after about 2 weeks the hitting and the time outs became less frequent. The other trick is to not laugh when they are on time out. My son was in a big phase of saying "please" and "thank you" at that age and when we put him on time out he would say "thank you". You also can't look at your spouse or you will both lose it. You want the idea to come across that this is serious and not a fun time. We chose a spot that was away from his toys or any other "fun" stimulation. The other key component to changing this behavior is to remember to reinforce every positive use of her hands (hugs, high fives, or just "I like the nice hands".) Positive reinforcement is the strongest to make a lasting change in behavior. Good luck!
The only thing that I would recommend doing first is not putting her in her bed for time outs. A bed is to sleep and you dont want her to think that going to bed is punishment. And if my child was hitting me I would hit her back on the hand. Sometimes they may know that it is wrong but they dont relize that it hurts. It is never to early to scold our children. They need to know right off the bat when they are misbehaving and it needs to stop. If you dont stop it now it will be even harder to stop when she is older. Good Luck!
A.
It sounds like you are doing a great job with her already - the modeling of good behavior and letting her know that what she is doing hurts you is a really good place to start with a fifteen month old. I wouldn't worry about time-outs being ignored at a later time for a fifteen month old. I think that's a great way to let her know that her behavior doesn't get mommy/daddy or doggy time for a bit. It will sink in eventually and you have started a method of discipline that allows her time away from the situation without it escalating to more hitting or (as she is fast approaching two) resorting to an all our tantrum in front of you. The screeching can get the same treatment...that hurts mommy's ears and she can't hear you right now - we need to use inside voices, etc. and then remove her from the situation for a little time to herself. The terrible two and the trying threes are right around the corner so it's good that you are starting to lay down the foundation for behavior now. She sounds very intelligent - and therefore will need all your best efforts to provide her with consistent modeling and consistency with whatever form of discipline you and your husband ultimately decide to use for her.
Good luck and God bless -
A.
Hi B.,
Oh how I can relate!!! I am a first time Mom to a high spirited girl myself. My daughter went through that exact same "hitting phase". Yes, it is a phase and it is frustrating especially when she is hitting other children and Mom. What worked for us is 2 things. First, when she would hit me or my husband, show her and say "gentle" and have her stroke my face, she loved that, mostly the attention. When she would play with other children and want to hit them, I would intervene and say oh, be gentle, say "hi" instead, and show her how to wave at them, and that really worked! She kept those little hands busy during that phase. It is a phase, it gets really intense and puts lots of work, patience, love and intervention on behalf of parents, then it tapers off.
I did not do any time outs, I don't believe in them at this early age, I did what I read in the Mothering Magazine, called "time in". Which is spend some serious quality time with my daughter when she was getting pretty amped up. It helps her feel grounded.
You are doing a great job, the intensity of the phase will pass. BabyCenter has weekly tips on toddlers behavior emailed to me and the last week talked exactly about this hitting phase and how fascinating toddlers are by other childrens reaction after being hit. It says that it is very fun to get a reaction at this age. It says that she does not mean to inflict pain at all on her playmate. The best thing is to redirect her attention, and that is what I did with my daughter, have her wave at the other kids.
I am relieved it passed because it was a lot of work, she mostly hit when children got a hold of a toy she wanted and it lasted for about 4-6 months with a strong peak for 3 months or so.
Best of luck.
E.
hi B.,
my name is N.. i worked in a preschool classroom for 5 years and i also have 2 children of my own (a newborn and a 10 yr old.) it sounds to me like your daughter doesn't understand the seriousness of what she is doing. it's almost like it has been turned into a game where she hits and thinks that a kiss will make it better with no consequences. as far as time outs go..... how long did you try them for? it takes time. they can be very effective now, and for years to come as long as there is consistency. as a teacher i am unable to discipline any way other then time outs. which has been very effective. and as a parent i choose not hit my children. i know it's hard at times to be firm and consistent but it's also very important in getting your point across. children need to learn that you are serious and that you are not going to put up such behaviors as hitting and screeching. hope that i have been of some sort of help to you.
N.
I would say try to ignore the behavior, and redirect her attention when she does it to you, any attention(even negative) is attention and it sounds like that is what she strives for. As far as the dog, well that could be dangerous obviously so I would say limit contact until the phase is over. My daughter tried the screeching thing and I ignored her. She thought it was funny, mommy did not. I ignored it and it stopped (for now anyway LOL) My girlfriend has a daughter 3 weeks older and she would freak out, say no, and give her whatever she wanted if she screamed and she is now still doing it 6 months later! My DD went about 4 days. It won't be easy, but they tend to get the idea quick with no reaction. Good luck and hang in there. : )
