Toddler Control Issues

Do not reason with her!! She is a toddler!! Sometimes in life NO IS NO!! As parents we we always want our children to be happy and stress free, in the long run we are setting them up for not being able to handle things that just do not go their way. It sounds to me like her little world is out of control, children thrive on consistency, and boundaries. It makes them feel safe. Children can not make decisions for themselves, we have to do that for them. Children also shut down and get lost with to much explaining they can't process it. Simple answers will work better. You can explain things to her as far as the pajamas, like "This is the way they made them honey, and then that's it!!" But insisting on a different cup, a different breakfast, etc is going to create a constant battle with everything. This will only have her become more and more demanding. I have a child that attends my childcare center who is adorable at school and a monster at home (says her mom) She won't comb her hair in the morning, she won't do her breathing treatment, she won't get dressed, she wouldn't eat what was made her for breakfast, so mom made her something else and then she wouldn't eat that. There is a point when you have to just tolerate the tantrum and walk away. She will learn that her constant whining and tantrums aren't going to work. Give her two breakfast choices, two cup choices, two outfit choices and then that is it!! Make it final. Get some ear plugs and nip it in the bud now before she gets worse. I know it is difficult, but I am telling you I am certain she is only doing this for you. The little girl I referred to before is an ANGEL! at school. Not a problem, so children will get away with what they can, and they will also continue to behave a certain way if it is working for them. My motto is from Dr. Phil and I love it "Pick your battles and when you do make sure you win!!!!" As far as her being independent and wanting to do things for herself, that is good an it is also very normal. Good luck mamma these are the times that make parenting the most difficult. But in the long run you will find you will have less and less of this behavior if you stick to your guns and put up with the tantrums now.

Don't buy into the "positive normal reasons for this behavior" too much like potential developmental leaps etc.(yes, all kids potentially have developmental leaps their whole lives). Sometimes kids simply need discipline to learn not to act that way, and that in itself is a developmental leap, because you are enabling your child to hone self discipline sooner than they would on their own if they were the leader of the family.

Sending her off to her room for whining is obviously not stopping the whining and tantrums, so what's the point? Giving her a nice break in her nice room as a reward for acting badly in case she decides to outgrow it one day? I know there is a firm tone of voice involved, but really, if she was petrified of being sent to her room, she would stop the behavior at a warning.

To continue to demand impossible things is a form of defiance. She doesn't want to accept what you say, because she wants to throw a fit and act contrary to what you are saying. That's what kids do. My kids would have done that too if they were allowed.

We've never allowed whining or fits, and the only way to achieve that is through firm discipline. The firmer, the quicker. While our friend's "developmentally superior normal kids" were tantrumming, talking back and freaking out until ages 5, 6, 7, ours learned the rules well before 3. Nip it in the first moments of the first attempts with a firm consequence after a clear clam warning. Every time (which wasn't many times because we caught it early and firmly).
The moment she demands something impossible, you say, "That's not how it works." The moment she starts to complain or protest or tear up or whine or cry, you give a calm firm, "NO, no fits. Last warning." enforce in the next moment she decides to proceed. Never let a tantrum proceed. If she decides to descend into a meltdown, intervene immediately. After that, she should be crying because of a consequence, not because she's indulging in a self inflicted frenzy. Don't get mad. Take action way before you're annoyed. You want her to learn she has one normal warning before she needs to respond.
Once she realizes consistently she's choosing the outcome herself by choosing to begin that behavior, she'll stop. Therefore she'll be able to control herself much better in every situation, and she'll be a happier more respectful child without the option to be a whiny defiant one. Don't believe that kids have no control over that. They do.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I agree with Diane S. Three year olds don't understand our reasoning! My sister is the worst with this. She will try and reason with her three year old and go through her whole 10-20 minute reasoning session. Her daughter doesn't hear a second of it! Their minds don't reason, in the way ours do. She needs to understand what no means. She might want that cap to pull off, but it's not going to. You know that. Simply tell her "It goes this way" take it from her and show her. Don't give her the option to create chaos and melt down. Trying to reason with her, WILL cause melt downs. Don't react to her tantrums. Children do things, for attention and reaction (I'm not suggesting, that you aren't giving her attention. It's just a kid thing!) If you stick around while she's melting down, you are fulfilling her purpose of the meltdown. Walk away and don't recognize it. She will get it, eventually.
Don't allow her to dictate everything.

This is all normal , you know that already. Age 3 (especially in girls) is hard. (I have boy and girl so can compare) and I have friends with the same genders so can also compare. For us it didn't get easier and "back to normal" until she was 4 (I know you don't want to hear that)!!!. All I can suggest is when she get's something into her head that is impossible for you to change , as long as it is not dangerous (for example the monkey on the shirt) , give it to her and say "If you want it there then do it yourself". When she can't succeed in what she wants changed she is going to have a major meltdown but it may at least give you a bit more bargaining room for her to calm down. Her behaviour is not about the things that she wants different , I really do think it's hormonal at that age , there must be something chemically that happens around age 3-4 that causes the up & down moods and we just have to go with it sometimes , most women are like this every cycle and nothing can be done about it and I think it's the same for toddler girls.

it lasts until she figures out that some things just "are". it's different for each child! my son will still ask twenty times when the answer is exactly the same each time, and he's 4. just keep being consistent with discipline - and be careful you're not so grateful when she finally demands something you CAN do that you don't automatically give it to her. you're doing fine, yes it's frustrating...just keep doing what you're doing.

Toddlerhood is an exquisitely frustrating time for almost all kids. If you can remember that your daughter's needs are completely natural and legitimate, you'll all come through okay. Children truly do want to be happy, but don't have the power, reasoning, motor skills or experience to get there. And of course, meltdowns are more common when littles are tired, hungry, or have already heard "no" a few times too often. Their little brains have burned out all the brain chemicals that makes life happy. Then everything is impossible for them.

Being told "no whining" when she's frustrated might just be over the top for her. Alternatively, try to help her find words to express her her feelings. "You feel mad right now because you can't ______. Would you like some help?" Or, ""How frustrated you feel when you want to _____ and I want you ______. I know, let's get this done, so we can do what YOU want!" Your empathy and coaching will eventually give her alternatives to tantrums.

Check out books and videos about the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block. Here's one link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... , and watch several related video clips to see exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language. By using strong empathy, he lets frustrated little kids know their feelings have been heard. When they feel supported, they can start letting in and processing new information instead of just being lost in feelings. This worked well for my grandson when he was a toddler, and has been a wonderful technique for other young families I know.

There's another wonderful book that your sweetie is just about growing into: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. As your child increases her ability to communicate, the wisdom in this book will make it a resource you'll reach for many times for reminders. It's the single most effective parenting book I've ever read, and I've read quite a few good ones.

Your technique of reasoning with her before bed last night was terrific, by the way. It sounds like you got through on a channel that was open. Yay for small successes!

And yes, around four is when most of this behavior finally resolves for most children. You may see some slow but steady decline in meltdowns before then, however.

Hi J. :-)

Your husband's answer was brilliant.. and the response was just what you wanted! I guess, in the moment, you can try and be as creative as possible with these requests, it is indeed a developmental stage of inquiry.. cause and effect.. like with the toothpaste.. just unscrew it to the end and then when she pulls it will "pull off"... but an additional thought I have is to focus on your stress level! You don't think you can handle more.. and MORE is on its way since your second child is one years old.. so I offer a suggestion to help you de-stress and your whole house to de-stress.

On my website I offer a free technique to help you to calm your brain so it can restore and maintain balance and harmony in the whole bodymind. It is called CORTICES and you can learn how to "tap your CORTICES" in just minutes. There are two videos: The first is of Dr. John Veltheim teaching about your brain and how stress affects it so predominantly! And the second is the video which teaches the technique which takes about 30 seconds to implement.

Take a look and see how you feel after tapping your CORTICES. You can do this for your children and family as well.. it feels SO good and the best part is your 3 year old can learn how to do this simply.. and tap out YOUR CORTICES... what a great family affair! Just click on my name to see my profile and then click on business.. you'll find my information there.

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

If a quick distraction will work--go for it--and try to keep your voice calm. As soon as my daughter knows what she is doing is making me testy, she ramps up. What you did with the toothpaste lid was perfect--present the logical consequence--you are wasting your story/cuddle time, when you are ready to brush your teeth and finish getting ready we can have ________time. Big key that is hard to remember is keep yourself even keeled--It can be hard sometimes but when you feel and show impatience, she will ramp things up more. Keep expecting her to learn self-regulation and guess what she will--I think you are doing the right things. She is too old for distraction to work all the time now. My MIL tries to negotiate with and just distract my DD all the time no matter the request-reasonable or unreasonable. It make family togethers torture because DD knows she has found someone to manipulate. So if I try to put my foot down she cries for grandma. After the 3rd attempt to have Grandma take her to the potty during the actual Thanksgiving meal, I had to take her while she screamed as I removed her from the room so she would quit depending Grandma drop her fork again to go to the bathroom when I knew she didn't physically need to. Hang in there!