OMG, the whining! Make it stop!
I know this comes up on here a lot but I feel like I am already doing everything I can do. My 4 year old daughter whines on a daily basis, almost always when she's not getting her way or not getting exactly what she wants. I do NOT give in to it! We have made it very clear that whatever she is asking for, she will NOT get it by whining - and she doesn't. I have tried ignoring it. I have walked away when she has started whining because I have told her I will not listen to it. She has been put in time-out for it. She has spent extended amounts of time in her room for it. I have reminded her to use her big girl voice. Right now she's already had some peanut butter toast for breakfast and wanted something more to eat. I offered her a banana or yogurt. No, she wants an apple. I told her she can have the apple that got cut up yesterday for her lunch that she ended up not eating. No, she wants a different apple. I told her no way, these are her choices - banana, yogurt, or yesterday's already cut-up apple. She starts whining that she still wants a different apple - so now I have walked away (and have taken the time to come on here and post the question) until she decides to snap out of it. It's like she doesn't even listen or hear what I am telling her, even when it never changes. She wants what she wants when she wants it, even when whining and carrying on doesn't get her what she wants. Whenever I ask her how she is supposed to ask, she says, "I don't know, I don't remember..." I'm getting pretty tired of having to keep reminding her.
I realize that right now, she is probably still tired, we've had a busy week and she does get more whiny when she is over-tired, but good Lord, I am tired of it! When will it finally dawn on her that whining never works in her favor? Any other suggestions on how to stop the whining? TIA!
I cant stand whining! We don't speak Whineese in this house. I recently babysat for a two yr old and when he started to whine, my 6 yr old told him,"Jesse, that dosen't work here." very matter-of- factly. I had to walk away and laugh.
My son was the whiiiiiiiiining grand champion when he was 3-ish. We NEVER ignored it. Now at 4 you would never know he used to whine he's so polite and cheerful. Once we realized it was a chronic and escalating habit, we gave one firm warning at the beginning of a whine and POP on the butt if he whined for one more second. Sounds harsh, but it worked. After a few non angry well-placed POPS after warnings, he stopped the whine immediately at the warning. We grew to joke about it. If he started whining, I'd say, "Oh hark, do I hear a customer ordering a smackeroni and cheese?" and he'd laugh and stop.
The problem with "not giving in" is that, sure they didn't get their way, but they still get to whine. It's similar to tantrums-they may not have gotten what they wanted, but they still got to tantrum if you ignored it, and that's what they really wanted to do. It's the whining you're trying to discipline, not just the request for something. Ignoring NEVER solves anything. Because my kids were never allowed to tantrum, and were never ignored for it, the whining and many other things were easy to disciplined quickly too because they knew the drill and consistency is key. Now my 2 1/2 year old is into whining, but she stops at a warning because she's been disciplined for tantrums and other big no no's in the past so she knows there no point pushing it. I give her a "Hey, no whining" and "the look" and she stops. IMO, time in a room and time outs are too mild and delayed to do the job. Asking the kid a billion times not to whine or saying you can't hear them has not been effective with any of my friends. Their kids still always whine.
You can also prevent a lot of whining by having clearer rules about how much arguing she's allowed to do. Of course when kids are fighting you about what their eating and wearing and doing etc, they're not going to use diplomatic polite voices. Asking them how they should ask opens the door to smart talking back like, "I don't know" type stuff which is also not allowed in our house. Nip the arguing and it gets rid of lots of whining in the process. I say, ramp it up and be consistent if you want it to pass quickly. It's truly a blessing to have kids who rarely or never whine, and worth the discipline it sometimes takes. Never let it go until you're annoyed, just act right away so she learns she has to rein it in immediately.
I always told my kids "I don't speak whine". When you can use your big girl/boy voice we will discuss your request. If they continued, they got in trouble. I also tried not to give my kids too many choice. It was either A or B. If they have too many choices, they become overwhelmed. This is a fun age but a very demanding age.
Keep doing what you're doing as unemotinally as possible. "DD, if you want an apple, you can have this apple or no apple. We will not waste food." And then let her make a choice. If she cries, then, "DD, if you want to have a tantrum, you can go to your room until you are calm." Etc. I know it can be maddening. My DD has started to put herself in her room til she gets it together and then we come back and talk about what she was yelling about.
If she really gets into a snit, she can end up in time out for not listening or being rude to me.
I will also sometimes say, "That sounds like a whine to me and I don't understand whiney people. Please come back when you can speak normally so I can understand you."
Like Mamy of 2 said, just start talking the same way - with the whine and all the dramatics, and they'll start looking at you like you're crazy and beg you to stop. It really works!
I WISH I had the answer. UGH.. Get some bose headphones and ignore her for awhile. I'm not saying it will fix her.
Picture this... You have your headphones on and some relaxing music or fast music, whatever you want. Turn it up high. Those BOSE headphones are so awesome. She could be screaming and throwing a huge fit and you can't hear one lick of it. You are just standing there watching. It's funny as heck and usually gets me to laughing at them. At this point, you start talking really loud because you don't even realize you are talking loud. You can't even hear your own voice. You tell her happily, cheerfully, here's your breakfast. Don't give her any more choices. Then just bustle around the house doing your thing with a smile on your face. Keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't run out the door screaming LOL!
This is going to last a long, long time. You may as well have a sense of humor about it.
No sure if it would be a good idea for a 4 year old, but when my 13 year do I just repeat on the same whiny voice, it works like a charm.
Sounds like you're handling the whining rather well.
I remember taking the time to stop, stare back at them, give them a moment to remember the polite way of asking for something. I would most times have to rephrase the issue for them in a normal way. It definitely requires a good year of repetition.
Don't they say we actually teach our children to whine? By responding to their every need as a baby when they cry, crying just turns into whining, and crying got them what they wanted before being verbal. So whining is an easy throwback for a toddler. It worked then, should work now, just like Pavlov's dog.
This phase of retraining definitely takes a lot of patience.
This worked for me when our daughter was young and to this day..... if I call her Wendy... she knows EXACTLY what I mean.
When she would start whining I would start my rhyme...
Wendy Whiner go away come again another day.
I would repeat and repeat and she would get frustrated first then laugh, with Oh mom my name is not Wendy. I told her everytime she whines she is Wendy whiner. Don't know how or why but it worked.
My mom always said, "If you beg (whine), it's an automatic 'NO'." I started this with my son a few weeks ago because I couldn't take it anymore and none of the consequences were working. Mom's method works. When I say "No" and he asks "Why?", the answer is "Because you were whining and if you whine, it's an automatic 'No'." Saying it that way instead of other consequences has really cut down on the whining here.
In our house the rule went (or goes) like this:
- If you whine you don't get what you want
- If you throw a fit you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout
There's that line that goes from whining into carrying on / throwing a fit. The moment it went into "Huh! Huh! Aaaaaaa! Whiiiiiiiine! Flop! Stomp!" that's a fit.
@ Amy J. Wonderful answer. (Second post, at the beginning)
I used the same technique as Amy and it worked on my kids. As a point of interest, my older children would tell my younger ones not to whine because it doesn't work and dad doesn't like it.
One of my daughters tells her children to use their "happy voice". Another two daughters use time outs. Two of my daughters use Amy 's and my techniques. The daughters using Amy's and my techniques have stopped the whining. The other three daughters haven't figured out why their techniques don't work.
People respond to pleasure and pain. Kids do. Adults do. If whining becomes painful, it stops. If you give in and reward the whining by giving them what they wanted, you will have to put up with whining as long as you have a relationship with your children. (I heard a 45 year old whine to his mom.)
Good luck to you and yours.
oh, you poor mom! what an awful phase this is! there don't seem to be any really helpful short-term answers (short of whining back or 'butt-popping' which i think are really terrible responses) which is not very useful to you.
i absolutely think you are handling it brilliantly, which means long-term you'll have a much happier healthier child who knows she's listened to.
it's just hard to sane waiting for that to happen, isn't it?
i suggest wine and a bubble bath after she's tucked away in bed.
and blessed, blessed silence.
:) khairete
S.
