Typical 3 Year Old Behavior

It's SO hard to remain calm with a freaking out 3 yo! Or 2 yo. I thought I was a lucky mom that didn't get the Terrible Twos...wrong! It just grew bigger and stronger into the Terrible Threes. Maybe that's what you got also?
No advice really, except to keep calm and really, REALLY realize that to join in the screaming only escalates things big time.

It is totally normal, but there are things you can do to lessen the number of fights. I specifically agree with the offering choices. It's not a miracle, but it helps, because kids this age are trying to assert some independence.

For example: he has to brush his teeth, but we have 2 toothbrushes so he can choose which one he wants to use. He has to get in the car seat, but he can choose which one of the buckles he gets to to himself. I have all the appropriate clothes for the weather in the bottom 2 drawers of the dresser, and he can pick what he wants to wear. He has to eat what I make for dinner, but if he eats a good dinner, he can pick what he wants for dessert (I'll offer either 2 Nilla wafers or 5 M&Ms, for example).

Predictability also helps. I always give 5 and 2 minute warnings before he has to stop playing - whether its because we need to leave, or dinner will be ready, bedtime, whatever. It helps him to know what's coming next and how long before playtime is over.

There will still be some meltdowns, especially when he's hungry/tired. But not as many.

My daughter was like this too (and still is at times - she's 3 years 2 months). I found what worked well was giving her choices and options. Instead of buckling her in, I'd put her in charge of getting into her set and buckling the top (or trying to) and then I'd double check it and click the bottom part. I think that their independence is really starting to come out and he wants to know how far he can push you. I do remember doing a lot of yelling a few months ago and it's gotten better! She still has meltdowns but we make sure before we do something (watch a cartoon, go outside, etc) she knows how long she can do the activity and what we're doing afterwards. Now she knows that she has to turn the tv off after cartoons! So I think it's normal but also you may have to try and do things differently in order for him to feel like he's in control while you are still making all the decisions!

My 3 year old also has moments like this. It is not all the time though, usually only when he doesn't get his way. I try as much as possible to give him choices. Some things I have done:
1. I put all his long sleeve shirts & pants in one drawer. In the morning I open the drawer & let him pick his outfit. I don't care if it doesn't match, as long as he is temperature appropriate. And I will often tell people (in a proud voice) that he picked out his own clothes.
2. At lunch I will give him 2 choices of what to eat. ex. Ham & cheese sandwich or grill cheese. I always make sure that I have the ingredients before I make an offer.
3. I let him (or his brother) pick which tv shows they will watch. They can only choose from the disney channel or pbs.
4. Sometimes at dinner I will let him help me decide what to cook. Ex. corn or mixed veggies. Hot dogs or chicken nuggets. Pasta or chicken. I also let him help cook. (He will pour the frozen veggies into the bowl before I cook them. Or will stir the pasta in the pot.)
5. I give him jobs when ever possible. Setting the table. Emptying the flat ware from the dishwasher. Making his bed. (I help him with his jobs when needed).
He still has meltdowns occasionally, but they seem to happen less on the days when he has the most control (gets to make the most choices).
And you can reason with a 3 year old, you just have to do it BEFORE the meltdown starts. They can't talk much at this age, but they do understand just about everything.
My son also doesn't like unexpected things. So each morning we go over the schedule for the day. Ex. Today we are going to gymnastics. Afterward we will call grandma and see if we can visit. I make it clear that a visit is not a certainty. We don't know if she will be home. Even though she usually is. He really wants to go, so this could be a meltdown for us. If I called last night when he was asleep & knew for certain what we would be doing, then i would probably avoid the meltdown. So another tip is to do what you can to avoid meltdowns. Figure out what triggers your child & try to avoid it.
Good luck

It's very typical. At the 3 yr mark, I stumbled on the concept of Playful Parenting and it saved my son's life. (okay, not literally). When your son flips into weirdo mode, you flip into playful mode. Make funny sounds, slap your hands on your face and peek through your fingers, funny faces, make things talk, use character voices (bad ones count!!) All these things will catch his attention and he will flip back out of whatever he went into.

There's a book by that name if you want more help, but if you can learn to switch mindsets and look for how to make something fun or intriguing, life gets much better. Once you get the hang of it, it doesn't take very much time either. Way less than arguing with him. Learn to come at things with an inviting attitude and a few silly (stupid) games and things get better.

At 2 and 3 a child's brain is going through immense growth spurts and will do "weird" things because of it. I wish we could see it like a tooth bud that explains why your babe has become whiny and doesn't sleep. However it is safely encased in bone, so you just have to take it on faith or read up on the science of brain development to better understand what's happening.

p.s. I am pretty sure I remember that during the teen years, the brain again goes through a rewiring on logic and reasoning.

My advice is to hang in there! My son was the same way. He was always so well-behaved and never had tantrums unless he was teething, and then all of a sudden, right around the time he turned 3, he started having these crazy melt-downs. I'm still not sure what caused it - I had many theories like, he's gaining independance & learning new skills & doesn't know how to handle it, he's starting to give up his nap so he's tired, etc etc. but the bottom line is that it passed. After about 2 months of it, he suddenly went back to his old self.
I think the most important thing to think about during this difficult time is trying not to form any bad habits that will last beyond this difficult period (you or him). You will have to look to him for cues to see what is going to help him most to get through each of the meltdowns. For my son, it was being available to him, hugging when he was ready, and reassuring him that I knew he was frustrated, sad, angry, etc. Some kids might just want to be left alone. If you get into the habit of screaming at him (tempting) or worse, you may do damage or end up negatively reinforcing the behavior. When you get frustrated or angry, try modeling for him how to handle those feelings in a constructive way. It's all easier said than done, I know, but it's easier to do when you know this will pass. Hang in there!
One more thought - prevention! That was also key with my son. Getting him to bed on time and always offering a nap (even if he didn't sleep) to make sure he was rested; having healthy, filling snacks on hand at all times so he wouldn't get hungry; keeping him busy (but not crazy busy) so that he wouldn't get bored; all those things worked to help prevent the meltdowns as well.
After reading the other moms responses, I agree that offering choices and giving 5 min, then 3 min, then 2 min, then 1 min warnings go a long way to making him feel respected and in control.

Terible two is misnamed. It is really terrible three. He is trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants, and sometimes, three year olds just don't know what they want. Try telling him what to do instead of what to stop doing, and wisper instead of yelling. Otherwise, this too shall pass, and if it doesn't you will know if it truly is typical once you get there, you will knnow. Be consistent, if you are at your witts end, put him in his room and put yourself in time out to take a break. It is fine if you tell him that you don't enjoy his behavior and that you need a little time off. If you don't want to yell, stop. You will feel better too.

M.

I feel for you. I will be checking back because I nearly posted this very thing earlier today!! I cannot seem to control my little guy. (At least he doesn't hit himself - yet.) He won't listen to me and I am at my wits end! I feel like screaming, crying, pulling out my hair, and having my own meltdown sometimes! I have tried everything it seems like - except for whatever actually WORKS - I haven't discovered that yet!

Thanks for posting this!! ;) Best of luck to us both!

Um, yah it is his age.
My son recently made 4.... he was actually okay at 2 and 3 years old... but now at 4 years old... he is like that.

You are not alone.

The book "Have A New Kid By Friday" has great tips... it is an easy read and not derogatory nor condescending. The Author is "Leman."

Also the book "Your 3 Year Old" from Amazon. It is a book series on each age juncture and merely describes what each age stage is. Although written awhile ago, it is still very pertinent and informative. An easy read and a "thin" book.

Teach your son, HOW to communicate, the names for his feelings... that he CAN tell you how he feels... but teach him HOW to say it... in a more palatable way.
My son when grumpy or fussy... will actually tell us "I am grumpy... I want to be left alone..." and then, we do. Otherwise, if 'forcing' him to interact, he WILL then, scream and get 'mad.' So... it is also knowing your child's cues... and that they are trying "their best"... to tell you, how they feel/what they want/what is irking them etc.

I tell my kids, its okay to be 'grumpy' and even Mommy gets like that... we are all human. BUT... to "try your best..." to say it in a good way... so we understand.... and we are all a "team"....

Or when you feel at your wits end.... the end of your rope... say "Mommy is going in the other room.... I am upset right now because you are not cooperating.... " then go. It is like a "Mommy time-out..." but to cool down. Not out of punishment.

Also, when your son IS in a tantrum or scream-fest... just do not try and reason with him or lecture him while he is IN that mode. No kid can be listening well at that moment. Just sit down, tell him "When you are done... tell Mommy, I am reading now..." then do it. Do not 'interrupt' his tantrum... a child, WILL deflate on their own. Then AFTER they are done with their tantrum... you talk to him and do whatever you feel is appropriate about that behavior... and telling him, clearly, that it is not going to 'make you' be nice, either. I tell my kids 'being nice takes BOTH people... to cooperate.... I will not give you what you want, when you tantrum..." and I don't.

Also, make SURE he naps. Tired and over-tired or hungry kids... melt-down, more.

Whenever a child is at the cusp of an age change... they get tweaked and more 'difficult.' It is growing pains.... of emotions and cognition.

A 3 year old... if this helps... does NOT have their 'emotions' fully developed nor is it even fully 'mastered' yet... they still need help.... COPING with their frustrations and what not. So, teach him coping-skills.... and HOW to handle, difficulties and upsets.

I don't bribe or reward my kids, just to get them to behave. Otherwise they just expect, the "treat." I praise them.... instead.... and not expect them to be "perfect" (which is unattainable for a kid), but just that they "Try their best...."

all the best,
Susan

Let go of as many things as you can, take as few car trips as you can, say yes to as many requests as you can. And really push yourself to say yes more, really get outside your comfort zone--that is what you're asking him to do, so show him that mom can be flexible too. Try really hard to be his partner and help him get wants. Assume he's doing his best all the time. About the face-slapping, I think he was just really worked up. Show him how to take deep breaths, and make a game out of it. You can practice with blowing up balloons. It really helps.

I have a son that turned three in July. I know that it is hard. The unfortunately go through phases. I tell my son, I do not want to yell at you so please listen to me. Sometimes,when he is upset I listen to him and try to find out how he is feeling. If I can tell how he is feeling,I ask him,are you fustrated or mad? He needs to be able to voice his feelings and he needs to feel like you listen to him. I know in the midst of everything this sounds crazy. In the wintertime,if the car is warm enough take the coat off before you strap him in. May be he did not like having his coat on and did not feel comfortable. Pick your battles. Some kids eat as the day goes on. My son is a grazer-small meals through the day. Take him to the store and get him a toothbrush he likes with a charecter on it. As far as the shoes plain and simple-well I guess you do not want to go out with me so we will stay home if you do not want to put your shoes on.It will get better

Welcome to the terrible 3's! He is perfectly normal. Having said this, I always feel that this is a critical time. I like the idea of choices that someone else mentioned. He will also probably respond to time outs. He may benefit from a heads' up when you are leaving somewhere. Give him a five minute warning, and no fits when you go. Sticker charts also helped me with my headstrong boys. You must stay firm or a 3 year old will WALK ALL OVER YOU. They are smart and manipulative little creatures! Stay calm but hold the line! Good luck! :)

Yes, it's normal. Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't. Make sure he has good structure and schedule in his life. He needs that. Dinner at the same time, bed time at the same time, nap, playtime... Make sure you stay pretty accurate so that he can cope better. Also, you should keep him away from sugar. You also might want to think about a better diet for him. Here is a link to help you out on diet. www.pcrm.org

Normal. Positive reinforcement will only allow it, never stop it. It can be stopped. His life should be positive 90%+ of the time, but don't skip firm discipline to nip these behaviors. You'll have a wonderful relationship again once this is handled.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com written by a grandma. Compassionate caring real, timeless, effective advice.
My kids would be doing the same things if we allowed it.
The most important step is nipping the tantrums because they will overshadow every situation if he's allowed to follow through with them. Stop the next one in it's first few seconds. Be consistent, and he won't try it anymore. None of my kids tantrum.

As for choices, sure, all day long, what to wear, what to do, what to read...but there is no choice as to whether or not a tantrum is allowed. Never negotiate in an attempt not to put your foot down on that. Also, act right away so you don't fall into the trap of getting POed and yelling. This only teaches him he doesn't have to react until you get mad.

I am wondering where you got the idea that you can not reason with a 3 year old. I reason with mine all the time, i have a girl so i dotn know if that makes a different, sometimes she has meltdowns, mostly in the morning when she first wakes up, but nothing like this. and when she starts to act crazy... we reason, i become a hostage negotiator. If she doesnt stop this, No this, if she wants that, this is what she has to do. so on and so forth. even with my 2 year old. Good luck....

Hi, M.:

Are you giving him choices?
For example:

I need to go to the store. Do you want to stay home by yourself
or come with me?

Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes.

Give him choices. Try that.
Good luck.
D.