Our 2 year old is a very bright, funny and happy little guy, but he is also VERY intense and spirited! He is so well-behaved for others. He is an angel for all sitters, at day care, etc. But with us, he is very difficult. He is not a bad or mean child in the sense that he doesn't do horrible things like bite, etc. He is just very insistent things go his way. If I give him a blue cup and he wanted green, he throws a mini fit. If brother got the ball he wanted, fit. If we are leaving the house and he doesn't feel like going yet, fit. HELP! I love him so dearly and he is absolutely amazing but I need help in dealing wtih his personality. I feel so embarrassed because I feel like I don't have a handle on my child. None of my others were like this - they are all super calm and easy going. This is so new to me.
We do the following: pick our battles - give him choices to make him feel more in control (ie, do you want a blue cup or pink cup, he picks. This used to work, only now he will go BACK AND FORTH forever and if I cut the game short, fit!) - I am VERY consistent with my discipline as well, as is dad. If we say you will be spanked (VERY light swat on butt if he ever gets it) or timeout or whatever the punishment is, we stick with it. I I just feel like we could be doing better. I feel like we lose our tempers too quickly and yell too often, and I don't want to do that anymore. Advice? Books that are helpful?
ETA: To be clear, we do teach him how to communicate his desires/frustrations. But as many know, with strong willed kids, it will go something like this: Me: "why are you whining and crying? Talk to mommy, tell me what is going on". Him: "I want candy!" Me:"well son, you are not getting candy right now". FIT. I am trying to reduce the amount of fits so my husband and I stay sane! We seemingly have tried EVERYTHING, but I know there is more info we can gather. He won't stay put in timeouts, I hate spanking and on the rare occassion I have, he doesn't care. I reward over and over (charts, little treats, etc) for good behavior but it doesn't seem to decrease the bad at all.
Mine (age 3) is like that. Sooo good at preschool (where he is thriving), so we extended his days to full-days. At home? Oh, wow; I'd go insane if not for the full-day preschool! He loves to fight about the red cup, too, then the green one, then the yellow one. He battles everything. Choices didn't always help.
I didn't want to be yelling at him all the time, so it's better for both of us this way, with longer school.
You simply cannot give 2 - 3 year olds too many choices or try to reason with them. They are wishy-washy and they DO have an answer for everything!
As for the cup thing, I say take all the sippy cups out of the cupboard except ones of the same color. No more choices - no more meltdowns!
Since you know this about your LO, try to be proactive instead of reactive. Get him started on the exit strategy (leaving the house) earlier than the rest of the family.
As for the meltdowns when things don't go his way, that is just something he will grow out of. I would, however, send him to his room to have his meltdown. I always told the kids you have a right to your feelings, but you DON'T have a right to make me miserable. So, go to your room and come back out when you are done.
My first was/is just like this. He is 8 now and still is more challenging than other kids his age in many ways. We are also consistent with discipline...it is not that. It is his personality...and boy is he ever challenging! He started maturing and being a bit easier in many ways in first grade. Just keep up the black and white consequences and firm parenting and eventually your spirited child will mature. It's a lot of work when you have a kid like this. I think I have read every child book out there...many were helpful. Ignoring him at his worst or sending him to his room helps (although at age 2-4) he would just have a giant temper tantrum in there for about an hour till he was completely exhausted. Trying to talk to him when he is being difficult does not help. He just escalates and gets worse. There is no reasoning at times. 1-2-3 Magic helped. Positive reinforcement (consistently) for good behavior helps. I don't have any magic answer...he is still a work in progress!
So my daughter is much the same. We give her as much "this or that" choice as possible. If she countered with an alternative and it worked I would go with that. It gave her the power of decision. However, I would not put up with a back and forth. Put your foot down and say for example "I guess your not that thirsty then". If it leads to a melt down then so be it. My guess is once he realizes that that's not an effective approach he will abandoned it. For consequenses we have found that taking stuff away if far more effective than awards. For our daughter its her shows/movies or actually just about any toy. We use the 1-2-3 approach. Although I seem to recall that that wasn't all that effective at 2. I clearly remember trying to use it at one point and I counted 1, then 2 and our daughter gleefully yelled out 3! Very hard not to laugh at that point :)
FWIW, the melt downs are perfectly age appropriate.
As trying as it is now I'm actually more happy than not that she is so assertive. It will serve her well in the coming years. Our job is to meld the application of the assertiveness into a more socially acceptable approach :)
Take a look at the book called something like "parenting the strong willed child." it explains that some kids are easy, others test and test and test. with them, it is important to stop dancing the dance, and the battle of the wills, and get to the end game quickly.
I've read it, and am making use of it with our DS (see my posts from earlier today re: toddler nudist and toddler gagging). Probably not doing the best job of applying the strategies, but I am certainly giving it a try.
BTW, I second what Cheryl B. has to say about venting feelings behind closed doors.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block saved my proverbial bacon!
Good luck! :)
Ditto Cheryl B. My guy is the same as yours, some things have no choices anymore because he would go back and forth, too. I've had to become proactive, rather than reactive, think things through and come up with strategies to prevent certain behaviors. Tantrums, meltdowns, etc., he goes to his room, I will not listen or engage him. Whining, "I can't understand you, please talk in a normal voice so I can help you." I don't ask why, it prolongs it :-/ Time-outs, sit with him and make him stay, it's over when he stops thrashing and yelling for 2 minutes. Stop rewards, they're not working and actually may be confusing him at this point. Consider having him lose privleges like TV, video games, a favorite toy, an outing or going to bed early.
These tactics the last year and a half have truly helped. He'll be 4 in April and rarely acts out now, and when he does he stops almost as soon as he's reminded. Preschool we had a hitting problem the first couple of months, something I never foresaw, but the school staff who worked with us said was right in line with his "spiritedness", and it has thankfully ended. It's been a LOT of work, I am so looking forward to all-day kindergarten, but it's not until fall 2014 ;)
This is just one little trick for the going back and forth forever bit. My son used to do that if I was letting him pick out a matchbox car at the store or trying to decide between a snack, etc. Now, if he's taking too long I tell him he has 10 seconds to make up his mind and then I start the countdown. He knows when I'm done he has to have his mind made up or he gets neither and now he's usually made up his mind by the time I get to 7. And yes, there were one or two times he didn't decide, so he got neither and I did have to deal with a fit/crying episode, but it was worth dealing with one or two to not have to deal with that part anymore.
I feel for you! I had a very spirited 2 year old myself. I tried everything too. Came on here and asked questions and tried everyone's suggestions. Everything works at first and then it doesn't. Now, he's a spirited 5 year old. More mature with less fits but still spirited. Now I have another kiddo who is almost 2 and he is exactly like your son! Again, I've tried all sorts of things as well. We just try to have a sense of humor about it and not let it stress us out. Some days are better than others. The bad days we just remember that bed time will come eventually. LOL! Good luck. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. ;)
I have one of those spirited boys too! He is 4 now and its getting better but I will always have to be prepared with my 'A' game to effectively parent him! Regarding tantrums - I want to second the "ignore him" advice. 2 years old is prime time for tantrums and he must learn that throwing a fit will NOT get him what he wants. At 2, when my son would start a fit, I would say to him "I won't speak to you anymore until you calm down", and then I would walk out of the room. He would scream and cry for a bit, and then eventually creap closer and closer to wherever it was that I went :) As he got older, once that happened we would talk about the situation. "How can you ask differently next time" and "what should you have done" type of questions, but for age 2 the most important things they need to learn is that the fit wont get results and mommy wont talk to me until I stop having a fit. That REALLY helped us once he understood that we meant business. Keep in mind that it wont work right away but with good consistancy the fits should start declining in a month or two. Good luck!
