Discipline and Toddlers

I don't have a book recommendation. When my son started that, I would ignore him. Sometimes, I would have to leave the room so I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown from the screaming. Once he was calm, I would come back. Sometimes he would start it up again once he saw me, so I would just walk away again. It didn't take him long to realize that tantrums were not getting him anything.

I let mine throw her tantrum. Me and her sister go into another room and let my oldest cry when she follows me I just keep moving and telling her I love her but we cant play and she cant have what she wants unless she stops crying.

I have really gotten a lot out of "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific!" It is an easy read, and reminded me how "basic" raising children is (i.e., it is something humans have done for millenia, and it is only in the last couple of generations that we started "second guessing" ourselves).

That said - I recommend reading the reviews and the first few pages of several different books, and pick the ones that you will be comfortable with. The advice in the books won't help if you don't apply consistently, and you won't apply the advice consistently if you don't agree with it.

Best of luck -

We've had great success with "1-2-3 Magic"

1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan has worked well for us.

My daughter has just recently started throwing temper tantrums. I try to remember that she is 2 and doesn't have the capacity to understand how to sort through her feelings and even though she talks, she can't use the right words to express herself. I do what most moms are saying they do, ignore it and the most helpful thing for me is to give her choices like JessinTexas said. Also, when she is in the midst of a tantrum, I often grab her and give her a hug, it immediately stops the tantrum. Then we talk about it in a way that she can understand. The hug won't work for every kid though, for some it may just set them off even more. The tantrums are most likely here to stay, it comes with the territory! I just try to keep myself calm. In a few years, it will pass and then another phase will have developed!! LOL

Thats the perfect age! Terrible two's! Theres a book called, Have a New Kid by Friday. Be happy, some kids never go through this stage until they're pre-teen. Much harder to dicipline at that age. At 18 mos, she can understand more than you would think. Teens don't seem to understand anything! Good to set the boundries young!

Tantrums are part of the growing up process and my best piece of advice is to be calm and patient when they are having a "moment". You can't reason with them when they are in the middle of a fit. I just stand there, wait till it's done then we move on. Giving just two choices like JessInTexas said is also a great idea. At 18 months you will need to keep it very simple.

Also, at 18 months distraction to something else will work well for you. When my daughter would throw a fit at that age and get so worked up I would place her in time-out for 1 minute and tell her it was time to calm down. Most of the time in the beginning I would sit with her and talk to her softly and calmly.

I don't have a book, but the biggest piece of advice I share with moms of kids this age (and my son's age 26 months) is to give the children TWO CHOICES. Get down to her level, hold up two fingers, and give her two choices. This will let her feel like she's in control of some aspect of her life. Often, I use:
- you can drink milk or water (when he screams for juice and it's not juice time)
- you can hold my hand or I can carry you (when in a parking lot)
- you can stop crying or you can have a spanking/timeout
- you can walk or sit down (in grocery cart, when shopping, when I cannot hold him)

Hope this helps a little, until you can get a book you like.

The books I like best are the Love and Logic books... they really work. With tantrums, they are normal. You have to do what may suggested and not give in (even to argue or respond). Simply tell her that the behavior is not acceptable and IGNORE IT. Any effort to talk,reason,console, etc will only provide her attention, which is typically what they want.

Dr. Harvey Karp, author of Happiest Toddler on the Block, has a great approach for getting children's attention in a non-confrontational way and drawing them into a happier state. Watch him in action in a whole series of videos on You Tube. Here's one to get you started: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f...

There are also several techniques that I have found to be pretty reliable in keeping a young child calm, cooperative, and happily engaged. These are gleaned both from great books, like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and experience working with a number of kids over many years.

Before deciding how to deal with a child's behavior, I'd try this: stand in her shoes and consider life from her angle. Notice all the frustrating, controlling, maddening and discouraging situations for a new little person with little choice and limited language. From there, you might find creative ways to reduce as many of those frustrations as possible. This in turn should reduce her negative strategies to deal with her own frustration.

1. At the top of the list are making sure she's not too hungry, tired or overstimulated to cope.

2. I hope you will NOT to think of her feelings as "wrong." She really doesn't choose them, any more than you "choose" to feel angry, confused, or anxious when she throws a tantrum. Anger and frustration are natural, and completely legitimate. If we discourage them by shaming or punishing, the feelings won't go away, they'll just go underground and emerge in some other way.

3. Make the activity we need to get accomplished as pleasant as possible. Offer choices whenever you can. Toddlers are desperate for chances to act on their new abilities, so find ways to offer them those opportunities, even if you are still limiting the options to those that will help you meet your own needs.

4. Turn "must-do's" into games. Anticipate where the trouble is likely to occur, and be prepared with alternatives. Distract and gently redirect. Offer small toys or projects when they get restless in public. This is more fun for everybody, and will reduce the need for correction and discipline dramatically.

5. Participating in a task, like picking up toys, alongside the child, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important. It keeps her from experiencing the task as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish alone.

6. Give advance notice that you'll need to initiate a different activity pretty soon. Then notice again that this change will need to happen in one more minute. Then time for the change arrives, at which point, I move into steps 4 and/or 5. Transitions tend to be really hard for young children, and this helps them prepare emotionally.

7. When something really must happen now, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request, I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys and make a game of picking them up. All gently, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.

Having positive strategies in place ahead of time takes work and creativity on your part, but not dealing with a problem until it's in full swing is even more effortful and frustrating, for both you and your child. And for any toddler, too much discipline – if defined as punishment after a natural kid behavior – is probably only going to make your child more reactive, resistant, frustrated, and uncooperative.

My best to you. For me, this was a challenging, but really fun age, for both my daughter and my grandson. Kept me on my toes!

Good work! You're getting a late start-but not too late!

one good one you can preview at www.backtobasicsdisicpline.com is Back To Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

The best one for toddlers if you disregard religious dogma and simply take the method-and open your mind and use your judgment on some parts of course is "To Train up a Child" by Michael Pearl.

We arent' fundamentalist Christians-or even really Christians, but I used this book (popular in home school circles and Mennonite and Amish communities) and have my extremely good non tantruming kids to show for it. They only tried one or two tantrums each. They would have been totally different kids without it. We had no terrible twos and they need almost no discipline at all at 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. My extended home schooling family with huge families uses it, and the results are the same. The only reason I gave it a shot (because it's extremely controversial to the non spanking and "kids that age can't help themselves" crew) was having already seen the results in their happy non bratty kids of all ages.

Kids that age can totally learn very quickly and they are much happier once they do. This is the TOTALLY OPPOSITE approach to all the other books. Be warned. But remember, effective discipline is hardly ever needed. You will not need to go to the lengths in the book, especially for a girl.

Also, my daughter was exactly 18 months when she tried her first tantrums, and I'll tell you exactly what I did which totally worked if you don't want to read the whole book-message me! She never started them and has never had them.

Good luck!