18 Months, Acting like She's 2 - Edmonds,WA

"Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp might have some ideas for you. It comes in book and video form. Basic idea is to validate their feelings to get them to a place of calm and then gently direct them to an appropriate solution. Works for adults too on a different level. Give her words for her emotions, like "You're mad because .... Once she sees that you get her, do some calming strategies and then offer solutions (2 at most) that are agreeable to her and you. I think it also helps for adults to model their emotions and how they deal with it. Momma is upset because ... I'm going to take a few deep breaths before I decide what to do. etc etc

I don't have a child that age yet, but so much of what I learned as a special education teacher fits so nicely here. Hope you have success.

C.

J.,

Have you started giving her choices? Let her choose between the dress or the pants? Sandals or shoes? My 14 month old, some days, is going on two as well. What helps with her is letting her start making choices. She can wear her black shoes, or the tan shoes. Which ever one she chooses we praise her for the good choice. Days where we let her choose early in the day seem to go better than when she doesn't get the choice.

You might try herding her too. I was re-reading about her being the drama queen and thinking about when my daughter will throw herself on the floor with a tantrum. That is usually when I pick her up and physically remover her from a room. She starts screaming, and will arch her back as I set her on the floor so she winds up laying down I then step over her and ignore the tantrum. If I herd her and tell her all done, everybody out now she doesn't have the fit (most of the time).

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Both of my kids started their "terrible 2's" at 18 months. We really like the book "123 Magic". It has a lot of great ideas! Good Luck!

NO and MINE are the frequently used words of preschoolers. They are testing their world to find out the effect their words and actions have on their world and learning boundaries. I found that some of the time my grandchildren were not expecting to have me honor their no or mine. I ignored what they said and acted as if they were still going to do whatever I'd asked.

Frequently I did have to take their hand and get them started on the task but I would be met with no or very little resistence. This only worked if their no didn't hook me. Once I responded with something like, Yes, you have to do this they began digging in their heels. The more I argued with them the more stubborn we both became. It's easy to slip into a power struggle.

Just today, my nearly 5 yo grandson was saying no alot. We were picking up his older sister at day care which does require his co-operation. He wants to run wild with all these new kids and toys. At first I took his hand and ignored his protest or sympathize with his viewpoint while I continued with my goal. When we were headed towards the car he became upset and yanked his hand out of mine and ran down the fence. He was still keeping me in view but was slowly getting away from me. I put the armful of stuff I had in the car and went back to him. I stood behind him, held his hands with the intention of walking him to the car. This sometimes works. Today he slumped to the ground. I told him a couple of times that we had to go and he repeated No!. I just stood there holding his hands up and saying nothing. Within a minute or less he stood up and ran to the car. I praised him for his good decision.

Giving choices does frequently short circuit the no reaction. The choice wasn't obvious here. It was to continue sitting on the ground with those people looking at me or getting up and going to the car. He knew I wouldn't give up waiting.

It's OK with me for the kids to protest as long as they do what I want/need them to do.

It took me years to learn that getting into any sort of discussion about my expectation and request prolonged the agony for both of us. I read that most of the time that we give explanations we are hoping to win them over so that they'll choose to do what we ask. In reality we are giving the child the message that they can protest, discuss, or in some way change our mind as we're attempting to change theirs. At 18 months she doesn't have the language and reasoning skills to succeed but she will continue to say no because our logic means nothing to her.

If I'm asking my grandkids to do something new to them I do tell them once why I want them to do it. My goal is to then be quiet and not get into an attempt to convince them. Unfortunately I did develop a pattern of listening and explaining once more several times with my granddaughter who is now nearly 8 and this is still causing me difficulty. My granddaughter is quite brite and alert. She can come up with really good sounding reasons why we should do what she wants instead of what I want. Her latest ploy is to keep asking why. We get stalled and take too long to get the job done.

I grew up thinking I would not use the words "because I told you so" and thus leaned to far in the direction of wanting the child to understand and willingly agree to do what I asked. That didn't work with my daughter and doesn't with my 2 grandchildren. I have come up with a phrase that I'm more comfortable with. "I want you to do this now or let's just get this job done. I want your co-operation. Please help me by doing this. We can talk about it later. I don't think any of the 3 have come back to talk later.

When I can stay quiet and stand firm we frequently succeed in getting past the no. Iam still having difficulty with feeling tense and unable to be quiet. I have to remind myself that teaching the child to obey is more important than getting the job done instantly and that arguing delays us even more.

While my grandson and I were at an impasse with him slumped on the ground and me holding his hands, I did say to him after we'd stood like that for a half minute or so that he had a choice. He could get up and go to the car and watch TV when we got home or continue to sit there and not have time for TV. He cried when he got home and discovered that I was following thru. Follow thru is important.

I've also found that the less I use the word "no" the easier it is to get compliance. Instead of saying no, I say something like stop, listen, come to me, this is the way it is and simply and firmly repeat the request. When they ask to do something I try to say something like that sounds like fun but not tonight, maybe later or that won't work, my decision is etc. That is difficult to do when I'm tired. It just seems easier to say no.

When children are toddlers and preschoolers I distract them by removing them from where they're not to be and starting them on a different task. Or hold their hand as I walk them to the bedroom, the car or where ever I want them to go. Sometimes I'll pick them up and hold them sensing that their negative demeanor is the result of being tired and/or hungry and/or frustrated to the point they can't hear me. Often what a baby or child needs is to feel love and supported. The expression "negative attention is better than no attention" is true. I used to think of this idea in global terms. Now I realize that the child may be needing attention even tho I think that I've given them enough attention.

For me the word no is of little importance. I assume the child will do what I ask and will help him to do it if that is what he needs. When no becomes non-stop I stop and think about what might be going on with me, with the child, and between us. I change direction if that seems appropriate to me. When I'm not able to take time to think things thru I'll pick the child up if he's still small enough to do so. When they are young I may end up just holding them while they cry and then start them in the direction I want them to go. If I'm limited in time I pick them up and do what I need to finish my task. I may sympathize by saying I'm in a hurry now and so this is what we're going to do. When I'm able to do this without anger or frustration the situation usually calms down in a short while. If I yank a hand and say in frustration, "come along right now" they frequently drag their heels and it takes me even longer to deal with what else I'm doing.

Ignore no, expect compliance, give assistance if needed. At some point be sympathetic to the child's view. Try to use other words than no when directing your child. If you've promised to do something with them later and you don't have time as a result of having had to deal with the child's behavior tell them, "we don't have time" and tell them why. Be as upfront and consistent as you can be.

There is a chance that your little one will use the word no less often as time goes on and she learns that the word doesn't work for her. I see my grandchildren using no because they are angry, not necessarily with me. No is a good word to express anger. Expressing anger is OK but we still have to do this.

I feel like I have used too many words and not really expressed myself as well as I'd like. I hope that my words will give you some ideas. Every child is different and you'll no doubt try several things before you find the ones that work. I wish you well in finding these ways.

Temper tantrums: What worked for my granddaughter was to not respond to her except to sit down on the floor 3-4 feet away from her. Sometimes I'd pick up a magazine. In a short while she'd crawl into my lap and cry. I'd just hold her. It seldom happened in public but when it did we'd leave once I was able to walk out with her. This meant staying nearby but not looking at her or saying anything to her.

I have to leave the room when my grandson tantrums. Just being in the room with him makes him angrier. Once there is no one with him he settles down quickly.

I also found that some of the time I could know when they were working up to a tantrum while we were in public. We left before the tantrum started.

At home I sometimes could head off a tantrum by paying attention to see that they had enough rest and weren't hungry. As an adult, I've over reacted to frustration when I was tired and hungry.

As a grandparent I can frequently just stop what we're doing and take a time out together before the tantrum gets started. Doing this is more difficult for parents who have much more responsibility and many more things to accomplish in a day. However, sometimes slowing down will help in the long run to get things done.

Sounds like a typical little human showing that she has a will of her own. She needs boundaries, children are comforted by them, without them they feel out of control. We have 4 kids and have found these resources to be in invaluable. We can go to a nice restaurant with all of them and they all behave as they are trained. From our 7 yr old down to our 1 yr old, they are a true joy to have around even at Costco. You get out of kids what you put in:) www.nogreaterjoy.org and http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ Hope these are of help to you.
J.

Our oldest daughter also started that behavior at 18 months old. We did discover that it was a phase she was in and it kind of came and went....and continues now that she is 3! It came on suddenly, like overnight at 18 months old! She was also getting her I-teeth at that time which only made things worse.

Some advice is to not back down when you say no. And, try to use the word "no" as little as possible. That doesn't mean you give in or say yes, but give choices as much as possible: "Do you want the pink cup or the yellow cup?" "Do you want to read one book or two books before bed?" "Do you want to put your pants on first or your shirt?" "Do you want me to carry you in the parking lot or hold my hand?" There are also other ways to avoid saying no. If she asks for something, you can say, "What a great idea! You should put that on your b-day list!" or, "Sure we can do that tomorrow or after nap".

I would also recommend reading the book Love and Logic Magic for the Early Years. I read it when our daugther was about 20 months old. I was sure she was too young for some of the ideas, but she was not! It works...like magic! You just have to be very consistent.

Best of luck to you! If you stand your ground, it will slowly get easier.

I had a very similar experience with our daughter. I don't know why they call it the "terrible twos" because it seems that around 18 mo., she started tantrums and the like. I was happy to learn that this is normal, she was growing up and trying to find out where the limits were. It does get better.
We used time-outs and also tried to anticipate the tantrums by making sure if she was tired or hungry we had a snack or nap or some rest. I assume since your working, you have her in some kind of child care. Her teacher/caregiver may have some great advice as well, they see this all the time. I also
found T.Berry Brazelton's Touchpoints and Dr. Sears' Baby Book
helpful. (not that you have any time for reading!) I hope this helps. Good luck.

J.,
Hello. My baby girl is 16 months old and doing the same thing. My understanding is that this is a normal phase for children when finding independance. What we do for Taylor is first: We use the word "NO" as infrequently as possible. Instead we try to say things like " Not for Taylor" "Next time we can do that", "Lets do this instead" Or if she wants something that she cant have, I say, " This is for Mommy" and offer her something that she can have. The word "NO" has such power for little ones and they seem to use it all the time. We have been sucessful with implying No with out using the word, Taylor still uses it but not as much anymore. The other thing that we do with her is say "Yes" all the time. " Lets put our shoes on. YES" " lets play with the ball, YES". It has become kind of a game to her. We are working on the tantrum part when she doesnt get her own way or gets frustrated and becomes upset, I just sit her down gently on the carpet and let her cry. When she is doing this, I just calmly say to her, " I know you are (insert emotion here) but I can not help you when you are behaving like this." and then I walk away. She cries for less than a minute and then gets up and comes to me and we hug and talk about her emotion. This works for us. Keep up the good work with your sweet angel.

As usual, I'm going to give a slightly different take on this...

Your little sweetie is developing absolutely normally!!! It is part of life to go from the completely dependent, helpless infant to a toddler who gradually becomes cognizant of the fact that she has some power to control her own destiny--and THAT is what we in the U.S. lambast as "terrible" two's. PLEASE don't fall into the trap of believing that a normal and essential developmental stage is somehow wrong or manipulative--it really isn't. Think of it this way...if she WASN'T developing this new independence, it would be very difficult to have her around at 20 years old--still needing you for every single thought process.

I'm not suggesting it's easy to deal with this newfound individuation--but it is easiER if you look at this little spunk muffin in all her independent glory, saying "NO" at the top of her lungs, and say to yourself (and even to her if necessary) through gritted teeth, "Congratulations, you're developing normally!" Then tell her Mommy needs a time out-and take yourself to another room where you can close the door for two minutes and breathe.

Worked really well for me with my daughter who would simply NOT take a time out herself--I didn't want to lock her in her room or tie her to a chair, and without that, she would just get up and follow me around, so I just took my own time out.

She sometimes would carry on right outside the door, so I would say calmly "Mommy is taking a time out until I don't feel frustrated anymore". Didn't think it was working until one day I heard her tell a grownup she was playing in the sandbox with that she was "getting frustrated and was going to take a time out"--and her little two year old butt came marching into the house, where she stood counting to 5 (as high as she went at that point) and went back outside.

Hang in there, Mama, and congratulate yourself that you are raising a smart, well-developed, individual who will one day grow out of this!

Fiora

The "terrible 2s" can start before or after 2 yrs. It can start as young as 1 or as late as 3.5. Each child is different.

Each child goes through the testing process of their parents - this is tough on the parents, I'll tell you. Just keep your rules, your sense of humour, make sure you encourage her and praise her every time she has a good attitude or does what she's told. I find it better to praise good behaviour and ignore bad as much as you can. Otherwise, just trust that your parenting instincts for the most part are going to be good, and trust yourself as to what to do with your daughter.

As you may have read, there are lots of choices...in my practice, I often encourage parents to go to the library and look at all the options, then pick one that fits best for you and your family values. I personally have a few that I like...Love and Logic or 1-2-3 Magic.

Why would we think you're stupid? The terrible twos are something no mother should handle alone. And they don't have to start when she's 2 either. Some children start early; some wait until they're 3. Just set boundaries, be gentle, and remember, she's only 18 months. She doesn't mean half as much by her defiance as you think she does.

If you're interested in parenting resources, I think Dr. James Dobson has a book on dealing with children at this stage. All his resources can be found at www.family.org.

Congratulations! You have a very smart little girl that is a little advanced. Take comfort in that and pull your calm together. You have some great advise!

My daughter did the same thing. Her "terrible two" behavior started around 18 months. The good news is that she'll be past it before her second year is over. She is just starting early.

There is a book that I have just started using. It's called Parenting With Love and Logic. I have really appreciated it's practical advice on different situations. Our situation has been very similar to yours as our son is also 18 months old. Good luck!
J.

Hi,
You are very smart to want to change this habit before it goes on too long. Rush to your library and pick up the "Parenting with Love and Logic for Early Childhood" book and try out the different scenarios that Drs. Cline & Fay use. They work! I am now onto the Parenting Teens phase, but by giving the kids choices (instead of telling them what to do)- bad choice vs. good choice- it helps them in the years to come.

I have a friend that ALWAYS told her son what to do. Guess what? No surprise that now that he's 20, he can't make a good decision on his own.
We went to Family Camp this week and we got a lot of comments on how well behaved our boys were. Love it!
You will too.

Both of my children (now 6yrs and 23 months) started the "terrible twos" at eighteen months old. It is pretty common. I just disciplined them like I would a two year old. It took a little bit of consistancy until they understood that "no means no" and the consequences of temper tantrums. But my son (23 months) learned quickly what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. Don't get me wrong, we are still fighting the "my way or no way" 2-year old mentality but it isn't as bad and he generally behaves very well in public. Just remember to follow-through and she will figure it out. Good Luck!!

Hey J., My oldest child (now 35) hit his "terrible twos" when he was 18 months old, just like your little one. By the time he was 2-1/2, he was the sweetest child you could ask for and was, in many ways, the easiest of our children to raise. He was always bright in school, so maybe your little drama queen is just precocious! :) Stay strong and try to enjoy this phase if you can!!
~B.

First of all I have to say - this is a wonderfull website giving us a chance to get relieve from other moms that we are not alone in the daily challenges of juggling parenting, the house and work and of course being a wife. There is no question that is going to be stupid. I hope that you will get the help you need from this website. I personally have gotten tons of great advice on several problems.

Take a look at how you are reacting to her tantrums. When my son TRIES - he's not very good at tantrums - to throw a tantrum....That's what I think. I either laugh at him - you are being so silly. or ignore it completely or tell him that he needs to go to his room - I don't need to hear it. If he throws himself on the floor - I just walk away and ignore it. But when he walks side by side with me and cries the tantrum - I tell him to go to his room - there is no reason for me to listen to him cry for no reason. Go calm down and come back and talk to me then. He's upset and he is not going to listen to what I have to say. And toddlers can't just tell you and speak in english why and what is bothering them. They are still learning words and barely putting them together. So throwing a tantrum or breaking down is their answer to the problem.
Another thing to remember - be consistant and always follow through. I have to tell myself that everyday - follow through. I think that is the biggest challenge of being a parent is staying consistant and following through with what we say and do. Good luck and breathe.

I have been eternally grateful for my preschool's methodology which put the ownerism on the child, even at so young an age - using phrases like "that is not a choice", then immediately showing them something that is a choice. Or asking them if they are safe if they have made a dangerous decision and helping them make a safe choice.

This methodology makes it much less a punishment and much more a teaching moment. My boy never screamed 'no' at me because he never had it yelled at him.

I hope this helps and good luck!

-Sarah

Good luck! You need to own a book called, "The Chocolate Covered Cookie Tantrum". I doesn't really help so much except remind you that this is normal behavior. The book is adorable. My kids and I still quote, "No banana! No banana! NO BANANA!!!!!!!" and they are 10 and 5. But I really felt like it made me feel like it wasn't just my kids. Did I mention "Good luck"?!?!?

I would place her in time out or separate her from everyone else when she is throwing a tantrum and just ignore her tantrums. If she knows it is bothering you, she will continue to throw them until she gets what she feels she needs. Do time out sessions, a minute for each year the child is. A minute may not sound like a lot for us, but to a child? It's an eon. Also, keep reinforcing that when she gets out of time out, her time will start over. It will take her a bit, but she will eventually get the idea.

It would depend on what the tantrum is about, but giving choices whenever possible helps with my little girl, such as for breakfast or as simple as which hand to hold across the street. Make sure you can live with either choice. If that doesn't work, go with good old fashioned time out. At this young, only go for a minute or 2 or until they stop crying. That's what mostly works for us!

My daughter is only 15 months, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I don't think we have fully entered the "terrible twos".

What I try to do, and it seems to work, is to say to my daughter was she is trying to say to me. If I tell her that it's time to put on her shoes and socks and she squirms and fusses, I say back to her "you don't want to put on your shoes and socks. You would rather play. I always want to play too, but it's time to put on your shoes and socks." At this point she's more likely to comply. By acknowledging what she is saying, she knows her complaints are heard. It doesn't change the fact that she has to put on her shoes and socks, but it gives her some level of comfort that she is heard. I think that doing this will ultimately help her explain her feelings once her vocabulary has expanded.

Hey J.,

I'm a mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20. This is super normal and my suggestion is to just be consistent and stick to your guns. I think it's really hard to do, but it's easier now than it is later. My kids can have all the tantrums they like...in their bedrooms and I better not hear it. If they say no to me, there's a consequence. Each child is different though so no one consequence is affective for every child. I usually figure out what they like the most, and take it away for a period of time. At 18 months that could be a toy, TV show, or just time-out for a certain amount of time. I'd say 5-10 minutes tops until she's older....and then in her room to boot if there's another tantrum. This, like all stages, passes quickly but you can't just let it go either. I always let my kids know that it's their job to acclimate themselves to the world and not the other way around. Of course I used much smaller words when they were young, but even my 20 y.o. still needs to hear it!

Good Luck, I know it's tough cuz they're so darned cute!

D. P.

Hi! I have two two year olds doing the same thing. I simply pick him up and set him down on the floor in his room until he quiets down and then I go get him. Good luck.

J.,

Of course you have already recieved several replies, butI thought one more couldn't hurt! I also have a young toddler girl who also tries to get her way. What I have found works for her is physicaly carry carry her to her room and telling her when she is all done she can come back out. Usually wihin a min or two she comes out and says " all don" and we can go from there. Sometimes you also have to take into consideration what kind of day she has had. If she has had a hard day sometimes all she needs is a hug and maybe a story, or whatever it is your daughter likes. As for the NO I just ignore as much as possible with that, of course there are times you can't ignore. Just take it all in stride, you love your daughter, your dauhter knows you love her. And she loves you, just remember that when she is acting up. They all do. I hope my response does not sound like I think you are stupid, I do not. If it does I am very sorry.

Good luck,

N.

My biggest advice is to check out the book called Love and Logic! It is fantastic. Time outs have worked wonders for my little boy, where threatening with a wooden spoon (like my MIL did with my Hubby) did not work well at all. Once he was swatted, he started retaliating with kicking or hitting. Pretty simple theory there, violence be-gets violence! Love and Logic teaches you how to turn every day things into teaching opportunities to help your little angel stay a little angel and learn to think for herself about why you say no to things. Works great!!!

Good luck!!! My little one is almost 3 and is getting mostly out of the "Terrible Two's".!!!

J.-

I have 3 children and my last one is getting ready to turn 1 next week; I think that every child goes through the MINE and NO deal- I am always telling my baby no, because im trying to teach him what is right and wrong, but the mine part- I dont know, he must have learned that from somewhere else like a daycare, which of course is a natural thing kids do- when she is acting up and throwing a tantrum, let her do it, ignore her, and dont try and figure out what she needs or what is wrong, this is what my doctor had told me about my first child. It will take some time but eventually the tantrums will slow because there will not be a reaction to her fits. I hope this help. Hang in there! im sure you are doing only what feels right.
A.

I think her attitude change is normal. My son started that about 18 months now and at 21 months is the same way. The early 2's. I think the key is being consistant with disapline. Time out, one minute for every year of age (I do 1 1/2). Redirecting their fustration, ie. if my son is hitting I show him he can hit a toy drum, pots and pans or a pillow.
Good luck, you aren't alone I am in the same boat with you.

R. S.