The Dreaded Question: "Are You Working?"

Consider that many moms who choose to stay home also feel defensive when talking to working moms. It works both ways. People are so funny!

You could just say, "Yes, I am. Wish I could stay home with the kids, though." That's just the simple truth, right?

I'm in the same boat, but I love my work, and I'm glad to go. So if it were me I'd say, 'yep, I love my job!'. I never feel judged, and if they did judge me I wouldn't give a flying foccacia.

The questioner might be envious of you...

How about just "yes!" And see where the conversation leads.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but the stay at home mom point of view is you are out at social gatherings. You are chatting and making intelligent conversation because, well, you are intelligent. So what do you do? Oh I am a stay at home mom. *crickets*

Trust me on that one you are on the better side of the fence.

Maybe you need to stop being defensive, the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

I think your tone & attitude, when you are answering this question, is more important than what you actually say.

At first, I really thought this was going to be about having to defend *not* working. When I get asked the "are you working?" question, I used to start defending my choice to stay at home. I'm a well-educated, somewhat intelligent person and people have looked at me like I'm just wasting myself being a SAHM. So the judgmental attitude goes both ways. You want to stay home, so you see them judging you for working. I felt slightly guilty that I *don't* work and felt them judging me for it. What I DO know (now that I've been a SAHM for 14 years) is that we all do what's best for ourselves and none of us owe ANYONE else an explanation for why we've chosen what we've chosen. Your kids are getting the best you they can get - you need to work to support your family, that's your reality, but there's no reason that you can't enjoy your work as well. And I bet the time you DO spend with your kids is awesome and they'll remember how much attention you gave them when you were together. Since I see my kids every day for hours on end, we sometimes take each other for granted and I find myself shooing them away so I can clean or do some other mundane task, instead of enjoying every moment with them. Just because you work doesn't mean your kids aren't getting a quality upbringing or a less close relationship with their mom. So stop feeling defensive about your choice, there's no reason for that. When they ask if you work, answer with a "I sure do! How about you?" No excuses, no defensiveness, no explanations. Be proud of your accomplishments and soon your kids will be proud of you too.

I don't personally know any SAH moms who judge other moms who work outside of the home. In fact, until we had 2 kids I was working FT, because my earning potential is not enough to justify the hefty cost of daycare in our area + clothes + commuting + all the unpaid time off I had to take when the kids got sick. There are days that I see a woman running errands in Target on her lunch break--dressed to the 9s in her tailored biz suit, hair done, makeup on, buying diapers and formula. I'm in my jeggings, whatever clean shirt I could find, sandals, a baby strapped to my chest, 2 yr old in the cart, 4 year old constantly getting yelled at...in those moments I envy her. I wonder if she envies me, despite my flustered appearance.

There are many ways to answer the question, but your defensiveness is probably just in your head. It is just a conversation starter, but how the conversation turns out is largely determined by you. It is not asked with the intention to judge.

Are you working? "Yes, staying home just isn't in the cards right now."
Are you working? "Yes, I am, but I'm so happy to be able to meet up with all types of moms"
Are you working? "Yes, but I'd love to get our kids together on a weekend!"
Are you working? "Yes, I love my job!"
Are you working? "Yes, and boy do I miss being able to be with my kids every day."

Can go any way.

ETA:

@ Jo -- HAHA, that is EXACTLY what our SAHM meetups are like....crickets...for the love of God, SOMEONE at least say what they USED to do! I always say, "I'm home with the kids right now, but I have my license to teach high school social studies, and I am hoping to do that again once all the kids are in school." I say it because I am PRAYING that someone else will volunteer some additional info of a similar nature. Otherwise the conversation promptly turns to breastfeeding, diaper choices, and the best grocery store deals of the week.

It can definitely go both ways. I do stay home, I do feel lucky to have had that option. But sometimes I get in social situations, especially when we are at a function for my husbands work, and I get asked -- "so, what do you do?" I used to be a little more self conscious about it, explaining, "well, I used to do blah, blah, blah, but as I have had more kids (now 4) I am at home with them for now." But I have gotten over that. Now I just say something like "I stay home to raise my children." Depending on the situation it may get a little deeper about what I have done in the past and what I may do in the future. But most often it doesn't go much farther than the person saying how incredibly busy I must be and how they are not sure they could handle being home full time or that they wish they could be or whatever.
It is sad that we all feel so judged by every decision we make as mothers. How to feed, how to get them to sleep, how to discipline, how to educate, what activities they do, and whether or not the mom stays home. I have become confident and proud of the decisions we have made for our family. I no longer feel the need to apologize or explain myself to anyone. If they choose to judge me -- so be it, I am too busy and happy to care.

I really don't think that others are judging you for working, they are simply making conversation. People are not owed an explanation. The fact that you feel obligated to justify working isn't a reflection on them, it's about you and your feelings - you seem to be trying to justify to you that you are doing one thing when you think that another thing would be better.
I never felt bad about working. I never considered another option when I had my kids. Even if I had the option to stay home full time financially, I wouldn't have wanted that.
I do understand the necessity of being a financial partner in your marriage. I see that some people have told you that you can always make adjustments and stay home. I know that you can't. I had people tell me that years ago, even though I had no desire to stay home. I carried the health insurance for the family for something like $150 a month - through Dh's insurance, it would have been $750. How could we lose my income and pay $600 more? Sure, you could sell your house and use the profit to live off of in a little apartment if you wanted to live that way - except in this market, houses are not selling, and not selling for what you might have paid 10 years ago. I think that many people consider women's incomes to be for "extras." My salary did not go to vacations (we've taken two in 21 years), restaurant meals (that's typically Valentines Day and annivesaries), I cooked our dinners (no takeout except maybe once every two months), didn't have a gym membership. My pay went to our food, insurance, medical expenses and actual bills.
Please, try to focus on the positive in your life and the benefits you are providing to your child by going to work. Find some working mom friends if you don't have any, to commisserate with, I'm sure there are some other working moms who feel the way that you do.

I haven't read any of the other answers, but you're right - there's a lot of "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" feeling when it comes to this question. You don't need to do that, though. If you're asked, "Are you working?" you can answer, "Yes, I am, and you are, too!"

If that makes both of you feel more comfortable, and the conversation happens to continue in that direction, then you can mention how you are glad to be able to work for money because it's necessary, but you'd often prefer to be at home. Your listener may respond with, "That's funny - I love being at home with my toddler except when I wish I were back at my old job!"

When one thinks of it, "non-working mother" is a contradiction in terms. Oh, yes. Absolutely.

You are looking at this like most people think it's better to stay home. Not so! I'm the only one in my immediate group of mom friends who stays home! And we eek by on a mega small budget so I can, while my friends have high earning husbands who could stay home much more comfortably if they wanted to. There are good working moms and good stay at home moms. Both situations are valid. You wish you could be home, which is hard, but don't feel judged. No one worth their salt is judging you. If you want to make the point that you wish you were home (you don't need to defend yourself though) you can say, "Being home isn't in the budget-wish it was" but it's more impressive to just seem proud of your situation and the fact that you work. The stay at home moms I know (including myself) know we are very lucky to have that option, and that not everyone does.

Just say you are and what you do. You know what is funny, most stay at homes feel this question is meant to judge them for not working, like it makes them less independent and intelligent. I guess we all really do see things through our own lenses, even when it is an innocent question.

don't feel like you need to defend yourself. this is what works best for your family. period. the funny thing is i always feel like i have to defend myself for staying at home. Our income is very tight, and my hubby works two jobs, but if I did work I would have to spend more on child care then I would be earning (well I might have a little money for gas to drive back and forth). Me going back to work isnt an option right now (though sometimes I would love to have even a part time job to get out of the house more lol)

Just be honest and proud of what you do. I went back to work when my son was 10wks old, we knew that was the best choice for our family so I did it without regret. When asked, I would say that yes I worked and leave it at that, sometimes going into detail about my job if asked. Now I am a full-time student/SAHM and I just as proudly answer that when asked. Be confident in your decision of whats best for your family and be proud that you are doing the best that you can.

Being a stay a home mom isn't all that. I've had the "privledge" of doing so for almost 9 years. My mom (old fashion) says don't go back to work. Live a good life like a woman ought to. Give me a break. And what the heck do I do at home? Pick up the mess the kids and hubby left behind before leaving for school or work. Do a little grocery shopping, cook and go to the gym a few days out of the week. Half of my friends work so I don't get to see them much either.So what's the point of it.
Did I like working before getting married and having kids? Hmmm, I think yes, but I think if I were in a better community (teacher, I am) I probably would have liked it more. I was with kids who came from screwed up back grounds. I always came home with headaches and frustration. It had it's privledges, but also it's downfalls. So now you have an idea of what it's like to be at home and at work. Really, just make the best of it either way you go. Everything has it's pluses and minuses. I don't think anyone is judging you. Don't anything get to you, you're doing your best to live a good life with your family.

maybe it's hard not to be envious because you don't really have a job you enjoy? i love my job. yes, it's a necessity, and yes, i ADORE my son more than life itself...but my job is a part of who i am and i love that too. i'm happy within myself so i don't feel the need to defend or justify much at all. sure, i wish our house was nicer, or that we owned instead of rent, wish i could lose some weight, or etc. but i am happy with myself and i am PROUD of the work that i do. i am also proud to be a great mom to a great kid....i don't feel inferior or defensive about that at all. my wish for you is that, if you can't stay at home, which you obviously love, that you can find a job that you really enjoy. that made all the difference to me.

Mary L put it perfectly. "Yes I am, and you are too!" We are all in the same boat no matter where we are.

Plain and simple, working or not working; being Mom is really hard.

This stay at home mom commends you for doing what's right for your family. Flowers to you.

Your intense feelings over the subject suggest that you really do want to be at home, so I will offer advice you didn't ask for in the hopes that it will allow you to examine a few things.

You say yourself you feel envious, emotional, etc...that probably means you are a stay at home mom at heart.

No family HAS to be a two income family. Your husband and you need to sit down and talk honestly about the resentment you feel over working...because that's taking away from who you are as a mother and a woman. You CAN make adjustments. You CAN cut back.

Believe me. Staying at home was so important to me that we just go without a lot of things to make it happen. Just ask me when the last time I had a new piece of clothing (that wasn't a WalMart $3 clearance item), went out to eat, or had a vacation. We just don't do those things. We also rent a small two bedroom duplex, drive an old car, and rely on assistance for certain things.

You probably will continue to get defensive about it, and it's not the other mother's fault...it's yours, because you FEEL defensive and feel in your heart you are doing the wrong thing.

It's not wrong to work for some mothers...but some mothers just feel they need to be home...you're obviously one of them...but instead of making it work, you're stuck in the mindset that your family needs the extra money. Try to figure out how to do without the extra stuff, and you will be SO much more happier. I know I miss "things" a lot less than I would miss my children should I go back to work.

Also, if it's just that you need a LITTLE more income, consider working very part time, or doing things like a paper route that will give you a little extra but not take away so much time from your children.

Sorry if this wasn't what you were asking for...but it seems like it was.

I wish you the best.

I like "Yes, unfortunately", or "Yes, it was the best choice for my family."

In my personal experience, people do not usually ask to put you on the defense. It's a conversation starter. They are not usually asking, out of judgement. It seems you are projecting a a bit. Not that I can't understand doing that, but I don't think you're giving other moms enough credit!

I don't have an answer for you, but I totally relate. I feel like I have to explain my decision too. Sort of like I feel like I have to explain why my c-section was necessary.

How about a simple "Yes, I am"? There's no need to feel or act defensive. It's a fact of life for most of us, and even many those who've decided to stay home often do so with much sacrifice. There's no perfect arrangement, really.

Most likely they're just looking for conversation starters and will follow up with questions about what you do or where you work, because they want to find a way to make a connection with you. Don't sweat these situations. It is what it is. Now, if you're unhappy with your situation, that's another topic altogether. But you should not bother to compare or project your insecurities into the situation. We all have our own insecurities. Just be yourself.

I know its hard to feel confident when you can't help thinking about how it would be nice to spend more time with your little one. I do think it's easier if we feel pride in what we do (do you need to think about a career change?) and I think a lot depends on where you live and who you associate with. I have been a SAHM and a working Mom. right now
I live in an expensive state so I don't know many moms who stay home unless they have many young children not yet in school. And I find it annoying when people say no Mom HAS to work. Yes, actually, I NEED to keep up my family's healthcare, and without my income we'd have to sell our house ASAP (in this market?) and move away from my extended family and grown children and all our friends and good school system. Change his life that much so I can be with him from 3:30 - 4:30 in the afternoon??
Find more moms like you, other working (outside the home) moms or previously working mom understand your life and are willing to lend you a helping hand when you need it. Surround yourself with moms like you and it will help you feel confident that your ARE being a good mom. Sure there will be times you feel surrounded by SAHMs (as you've seen here some will envy you) I teach in an area with lots of SAHM's and it doesnt mean they are better moms. sadly some ( a few) are not doing a great job-just as there are some work outside the home moms who arent giving there kids what they need to feel confident and loved. So dont feel that all SAHMs are better moms, just different.

How about "Yes, unfortunately!" with a sad frown?

"Why yes, I work for_____________" There ya go. I bet a lot of SAHM are a bit envious that you can work. There is not need to say that it's not an option for you or be defensive. You work, so do SAHM's...we just don't get paid for it.
L.

I'd just be honest... " Gosh I would love more than anything to be able to stay home, but I had to go back to work and I'm really sad about it." There's nothing wrong with being genuine about it.

To be perfectly honest, I wish I could work part-time. I have a stay at home job, but it's still a ton of work and full-time. But I also know that I couldn't be home with my kids as a stay at home mom.

I think every Mom can name the pros and cons of both sides. Just know that what you're doing is the best thing for your family and that's the way it has to be... at least for now. Sometimes things change.

I worked for the 1st 4.5 years of my DD's life.
Then I had my 2nd child.
And my free daycare vanished...my mom said she couldn't watch 2.
So I didn't go back to work. I should have though. (My earnings would=daycare cost.)
We live on pennies.
I hated working. But a lot of that came from my pitiful and embarrassing job.
And when I get asked this question now...I feel just as embarrassed.
I feel like they are surely thinking "Why the heck are you NOT working???"

There is judgment no matter what side you are on. Or there isn't. There is envy on both sides too.

Just a thought though...I used to answer "Yes, unfortunately" and I think I came off as a real downer (maybe it's just me) so maybe just smile and say yes w/ confidence.

Relax and have fun.

I actually get a little defensive when asked this too, Only mine is from the other side of it. I am NOT working.
I get asked by some people and they say things like "Well, maybe if you DID work you wouldn't have the money issues you talk about"
Really makes me want to slap a B&%$#$.
I don't work. I haven't had a job since my 1st son was about 6months old.
I tried going back to work after my maternity leave. My son would, literally, scream the entire time I was at work and would NOT eat for his daddy.
So I had to stop.
My b/f makes enough money right now to cover our bills and food. There just isn't much left after that. My daughter, who just turned one, will scream if I leave her. I WANT a job.
Even after almost 3 years at home, I still can not get used to the fact that I am not working. I miss my job.

.

How funny, in this other side of the ocean (Europe) the same question would have been dreaded if you DIDN'T work....very interesting.

well, my dear, it's not an option for me either, never has been even before i became a single mom. so...i'm a caseworker for a social service agency & LOVE what i do. i mean i do. but it's still a job & ideally (lmao!) i'd be home raising my sweet boy, but there's no way i can do that now or EVER! so i'm proud of where i work & what i do, but this ONE particular aspect never bothered me b/c there's never been a different option, know what i'm saying. i used to get sad upon drop off to daycare but i sucked it up real quick & just thought that i'm doing what i have to do to take of my boy. it sucks but it makes me proud of myself that i AM doing what i need to do. idk, just maybe a switch on perspective is all. :)
as far as what to say...when i'm asked, i go, "yeah i work at such & such, i'm so glad to have finally found this job, i just love it. all my extra time is spent w/my little boy". that's what i say. sounds corny but it seems to flow, lol. i just always highlight how happy/lucky i am to have a job i love & how precious my time w/my boy is, y'know? it's hard to say that kinda thing when you don't like your job, though. i understand. i think every once in awhile i get the green eyed monster, too, don't feel bad. best of luck to you dear, i know how sucky it is :(

I am a stay at home mom...I work, I just don't get paid for it.

When I worked, if anyone asked - I would say Yes, I do. it's for my mental health!!! :) Anyone who has been home for any length of time - will know exactly what I mean!! :)

You don't have to explain your situation to ANYONE...You are doing what works for your family!!!

In our family, my husband was the one who stayed home. It wasn't really a choice, because his income wouldn't pay for daycare. When I told people that he was going to stay home, almost all asked whether he was going to do some business out of the home too. (Like he wouldn't have his hands full taking care of our family? Sigh.)

Don't ever feel that you have to explain your choices. Just answer the question and turn it back.

Q: Do you work?
A: Yes. And you?

No reasons necessary. If you're not apologizing, they won't think there's a problem. It is what it is.

BTW, this answer works for SAH parents too, because taking care of the family is A LOT of work, whether you get paid for it or not. (grin)

So much good luck to you.

Just to give another perspective regarding the decision to stay at home... When I first became a stay at home mom I was actually a little embarrased by it although I would only admit it on here. I really felt uncomfortable when I would go to a business function with my husband and his colleagues would ask me what I do. It took a long time before I felt comfortable filling out a loan application or when we refinanced our house to say I do not have a job or occupation anymore other than SAHM:). I know it is not the same situation as you because I did have the choice however I can't imagine that anyone would question why you went back to work or wonder why you are not at home with any type of judgement. I would just reply when asked...yes, I have to work.

I think that some folks would say something negative no matter if you are talking about a SAHM or a working mom. I work full time. I LOVE my job, but it is hard. I have had people tell me that if we cut back a bit, then I could stay at home. Uhh No...these folks have no idea how much money I make...I am college-educated and decently compensated for it. If I only had the ability to make minimum wage, then NO it would not make since for me to work with 2 kids for daycare/afterschool care. Yes, I wish that I could afford to go part time, but that doesn't work with my line of work or my finances. You just have to work hard to have confidence that you are doing the best that you can for your family. Everyone feels some sort of guilt from time to time no matter if they work or not.

Just say, Yes! I working at so-n-so (wherever you work). Just smile and move on. If they keep on, just say what I always say "It's hard being supermom". And laugh. Just own it and be proud that you provide for your family!
I am a working mom, and I have gotten that pity look after telling other moms I work and it ticks me off - not because I am envious (I have a great career and love my job). I am the main income earner in my home and I am very proud of it. I work hard to provide for my 1 yo and 5 yo. My 1 yo is spoiled immensely by her grandparents while I work, and they have such a special relationship. I really do have it all. :)

I work full-time and don't make any apologies for it. I stayed home for over a year and it wasn't for me. You don't owe anyone an explanation, since frankly, it's none of their business. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't ask about someone's work status, stick to other topics. If it comes up, just say you work outside the home, and move on to something else.

Hi,

One thing that may help you : write a list of all the positives of working outside the home--ex bringing home steady income for your kids to be able to buy nice clothes, toys, etc. or providing a college fund etc. When you feel envious or defensive, say this mantra to yourself" The best decision for OUR family was for me to work too. It is the best for our family situation and homelife. Its no one's buisness why you do it or that you have to. Remember, everyone has their own struggles and it doesn't make you a bad parent for working outside the home. You have to do what is best for your family. Best wishes and it will be ok!

M

For me, I have to stay home b/c I didn't have a choice. I simply could not find a job that would be able to afford child care. So, everyone has a story.

People judge sahms and working moms. The best thing to do is to remove the personal slant and just say what you do. No need to feel defensive. If people continue to prod or judge, they aren't worth your upset anyways.

I am on the other side of the fence. I stay at home but most of my mom friends either work full time or part time and I always feel like the odd one out. I did have the choice, but honestly my husband works crazy hours and even though he loves his daughter with all his heart, he isn't super involved.....I stayed home because I wasn't sure I could "do it all" by working full time and caring for a child full time.
It is a hard question for me too - i feel defensive at times but for other reasons. But you know, I think we all feel that way at times and just have to realize it is more of a conversation started than anything else.

ug, I hate that. I just got laid off, job ending at the end of the month, and all of my stay at home friends keep telling me to just stop looking and have a baby. Unfortunately, we can't afford that and it hurts my feelings, but they keep saying it.

I feel for ya...I would be devastated if I had to work. Right now, I do work for my family for just a couple hours a week during hunting season, just for some extra money. I don't know if this works for you, but could you stay at home and just make some sacrifices? My husband and I decided that because it is so imprortant for me to want to stay home, we go without alot just so I can be home with them. I'm not talking anything real important, we just don't go out much and don't really have much extra spending money. To me, being home is the most important thing for my kids. Maybe you could figure out a way to be able to stay home, atleast until your kids are in school (if you're not planning to homeschool). You could go back to work then? Hope it all works out for you.

I think your answer is good. It explains you work and that you wish you had a choice. If you feel you are being defensive, it might be coming across mostly in your tone because it didn't come across defensive to me.

No matter what you would have chosen (or been forced to choose), it always feels like there is some judgement from the other side. For those who stay home, we sometimes feel a judgement. And, I imagine those who work sometimes feel judged by those who don't. So, it's a lose/lose no matter what when it comes to things like this...hehe. You'll never feel 100% accepted by everyone. I don't know why I said all that. You didn't say you were feeling judged...I guess since you are feeling defensive it made me wonder if you felt somewhat judged.

Is there a mom out there who ISN'T working her behind off? The location of the work might vary, but that question seems rhetorical to me!

I would smile and say yes i work days at xyz company. and open the door for some networking, if you love the job tell them why it's perfect and if there is anything that would some how benefit them by you working there, like if it's a party rental place tell them every spring you have a great deal on helimum balloon tanks for their kids parties, or if you don't love it and are looking for something else, tell them what your dream job would be and see if they know someone who can open a door for you.

In my area of the world, mom's usually only stay home until the youngest is in preschool so unless you live where people are having huge 6 kids families is usually only a matter of 10 yrs or so and they are back to work like the rest of us.

Just answer honestly. Right now you're doing what you can to take care of your family and maybe one day the door with open for you to stay at home. Good luck to you!