What I Really Want to Know.

I work and I love it. I don't give a flying #%$k what other people think about that. My kids have wonderful carers, myself included. You don't stop being a mother because you work outside the home.

2 sides? Why does there have to be? Why can't we ALL be on one side?
I think moms are moms.

I stay at home, for the record.

I worked full time until my son was 4 years old - I have now been home for 5 years. It has honestly been an isolating and difficult experience for me. We are broke, live in a tiny trailer, drive ancient cars. I was happier when I worked, and I will be glad to go back, my kids wear me out - I love them, but I am not cut out to be to be home full time. I am now in school part time, and I am enjoying being out of the house - my kids are 9 and nearly 4, so I have stayed home with them for the important younger years.

You're going to take a beating on this. And you sort of deserve it. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm saying that. You are writing it completely from the perspective that your choice to stay home is what most people should do, and you don't know why they wouldn't, and only those other people who 'work' seem defensive about it, and they don't get the 'foreign concept' of what you're doing. It's very condescending.

What if the question was, "I work and contribute financially to the family, and also do an excellent job raising my kids I don't know why everyone doesn't. Why do moms who stay home get offended when I ask this? Do they secretly feel bad for staying home and frittering away their talents only on their own kids instead of helping society out in the work force? Why wouldn't everyone work if they could and be more well rounded and have some personal financial security? I do, is that such a foreign concept? I'm interested in both sides."

There are two right ways to do things. Work. Or stay home. That will never change. The best scenario is different for different people. Accept it. And don't look down on moms for working. It's kind of like saying, "Why doesn't everyone have a nice responsible husband covering all their bills and the security to think they can just work later? I do."

I work and I don't apologize for it. I work because I am very good at what I do and because we have a lot of time and money invested in my education. I work because I like having a life outside of my home and having an identity other than "mother". I work because I want my children to have the same financial security that I grew up with and that is much more difficult today than when we were growing up. I work because I want my husband to retire while he's young enough to enjoy that freedom. I have an equal partnership with my husband in all things because I work full time. I cannot "do it all" and he has no expectation that I will. I truly believe that if I stayed home, my day would never "end". I also work because I make a lot of money and I would be foolish to walk away from that in this economy. We don't have a hot dog budget. I don't want to live on a hot dog budget. We travel frequently and with our children. We take my son to see plays, shows, musicals, art exhibits, etc because those are our priorities. Our children will attend prep schools because that is a priority for both of us. When it's time for college, they will attend wherever they are accepted and want to go- finances won't be an issue. For all of these reasons and so many others... I work.

It is foolish to have an expectation that you can walk back into a career after a period of time away. It's difficult and you will be starting over.

Yes, I realize that I miss things when my child is in daycare, but do SAHM realize that so often they have no identity other than wife/mother? Do they realize that they often have little else to talk about? I have very few friends who are SAHM, not because I don't respect that role but because I just have nothing in common with them.

As you say, there are two sides to this discussion and people tend to feel somewhat passionately in either direction. I do not deep down feel that I "should stay home". I have a skill set that is highly specialized and hard-earned. It never crossed my mind to stay at home.

I work outside the home. First, I'm an old mommy and had a career before I had my kids. It is part of who I am. Second, it keeps me sane. Not everyone (man or woman) has the skills needed to be a great SAHM/D. I have no mommy guilt because of this. Working outside the home makes me a better parent when I am home.

Sometimes it's an offensive topic because one side makes wrong, insensitive, and/or judgmental comments about the other side. And, please correct me if you think otherwise, but it seems like most of the insensitive and/or judgmental comments come from the SAHMs and are directed towards the work outside the home moms. It's a shame there is not more understanding that mommies (aka people) have different temperaments and needs. One size does not fit all.

For a prime example of why this topic can sometimes be offensive, read the response from PurpleMom. For her, it's clearly an us vs them issue.

And why do you take it so obvioulsy personally? Is it because way deep down you dont feel you are...... I won't even finish that statement. It's rude and full of judgement.

You asked this to say what you had to say, which is that you are so superior that you can't even fathom any other point of view. You don't really want to know anything.

But I'll tell you anyway. Women that work, even though they don't have to, CHOOSE to. Just like you choose not to. It's nothing they need to defend. If I didn't need the money, I would still work so that I can teach my girls to be self sufficeient and so they would be proud of me and my accomplishments.

If I could afford to stay home, I would find that the worlds greatest luxury. As a reciepient of so much extra blessing, I would feel the need to volunteer to help those less fortunate. So, I would still work, even if I didn't need to.

Not only do I work, but I worked AND earned a master's degree. What does that make me??

I'll tell you. It makes me a damn good mom. I still am there for my kids just as much now as I was when I did stay home- even more, for that matter. My kids saw that hard work pays off because now that I have a job, we don't have to eat hotdogs anymore. We take awesome vacations and own a second home. My children see the value of their education and know that there is more to life than doing laundry and cooking meals.

You claim that you didn't mean to offend. Not sure I believe that, but it is what it is. I hope you found the answers you were looking for.

I read this and cringe. The idea of more hours with your child makes you a better mother is upsetting to me. I am a SAHM. I feel fortunate to have that choice. I enjoy it and I am grateful. My hubby works. Does that make him any less of a dad for it? Yes, he misses stuff and I imagine he envies my position at times, but being at home would make him restless and disconnected. He would not be the fantastic father he is now. I think it's rather sexist of you to assume that bearing a child immediately changes all that you are. Yes it changes things and yes you have to sacrifice, but it does not mean you have to only be a mother. I have many friends who could afford to stay at home and chose not to. For the same reasons my hubby would hate it. They would be restless and unhappy. And an unhappy mama at home is not the best mom, just because you can clock in more hours. I think most families are trying to do the best they can. What works for you and your family isn't going to work for everyone.

I am a SAHM and I have NO judgement on what another woman chooses. At this point in my life I actually regret not having a career.
Why do you assume kids of working mothers are missing out on something? My working mom friends all have excellent care providers and their kids are happy and healthy.
I did have a friend several years ago who stayed home with her two boys. She had them in the playpen and in front of the TV all day long. She was miserable and lonely at home and her boys would have been much better off in a quality daycare.
I am really offended by your question, it's incredibly condescending and judgmental. Maybe deep down YOU are the one who is uncomfortable with her choices. And you will be in for a shock when you attempt to go back to work, it's not as easy as you think.

I work because I love to work. I wanted my career since I was 6 years old. And after 4 years of college, 4 years of professional school and 4 years of internship and residency, why would I suddenly not want to do it anymore. I find it very offensive that no one asks men why they want to work. We all just assume that men can be dads and have fulfilling professional lives. I want that and I have that.

I would not give up working because I want my son to respect women as equals in society. As people who can do everything they can - have a fulfilling career and be a parent.

I work 4 days a week (I have since a year before my son was born). My husband works 4 days a week. When he was little, my son was in daycare 3 days a week. Now he is in school 5 days a week. Neither my husband nor I felt deep down like we should stay home. We both recognize that neither one of us would be sane if we were home with a baby 24/7.

I personally (and you are correct, fraught subject) do not understand why women are willing to give up their hard won careers and stay home. And then expect another human being to work even harder and longer to support them. It seems really unfair to fathers to me - they have to spend even more time away from their children because they are the sole bread winner.

And actually on the issue of 'mommy guilt' - the throw away line that 'we all have it' - sorry that's just not true. I have thought about it and honestly - I have never felt the least bit of guilt about working.

Wow, you really got slammed. You deserved it. I really wish this stupid working mom vs sahm mom topic would just go away. All the working moms said such wonderful things that I really have nothing to add. The only thing I have to add: to the mother that said a woman should not have kids if she is going to work...wow. Just wow. You are a real idiot.

I have 2 wonderful children. I choose to work because I love my job and we also need money to pay the bills. We like living comfortably without having to struggle. I had my career before we chose to have kids. In my job as a pediatric nurse, I get to make a lasting impact on children's lives. Do I love my job more than my kids? No, not at all. But like some of the other moms that responded to this post, I need to be fulfilled in other ways in my life. Being a mother is my greatest and most important role, but it doesn't define me completely. Is that really and truly so bad? No. I am a better and more patient mother because I work outside of the home. It allows me to miss them every day. I look forward to seeing them when I pick them up from school. Daycare is not the enemy, you know? I do miss some of the things that they say and do. But I have also learned to take nothing for granted where they are concerned. And no, deep down I don't want to stay at home. I want to work to make extra money so that we can take our son's on trips, live in a decent neighborhood, they can have a fantastic college education, and eat food that is not full of nitrites.

If you ever wonder why there remains to be 2 sides to the debate, just reread your post. You are obviously casting judgment on those of us mom's who choose to work. It's offensive because moms like you make it offensive. Why can't you respect that it's a personal choice that we all have to make and leave it alone? I admire SAHM's because you obviously have patience that I lack. Why can't you admire me because I am an educated and hard working woman that is also a fantastic mother?

I stayed at home with my first 2, then with the 3rd, I had a part time job from the time she was 18 months. With the 4th, I was back at work in 5 weeks.

I hated HATED HATED staying home. I was bored out of my mind, I got irritated and short tempered with my kids. Personally, I'm a much better mommy when I'm working. Part time was the ideal, but now, my 4th is the only one at home, and I work full time. The hours between when I get home and hubby gets home are "our" time, and we fill it. When I'm a working mom, I tend to concentrate my time with my child on him. When I stayed at home, I drifted a lot... TV, half hearted cleaning, pretty much let the kids just play.... ICK. I admire moms that do it, just like I admire school teachers, but poke me in the eye with a sharp stick before asking ME to do either of those. I love, love love my kids, but yuck... staying home makes me nuts.

Oh man. I wonder if you know how many times this kind of question (or rant, depending on who writes it) has been voiced on this site, O.. Truly, many women here have given you some good food for thought that I hope you will listen to so that you will be more open minded.

A great deal of business productivity is LOST when women go home to stay with their children. Think about how a company operates, mom. They invest a lot of money training women to be productive members of the business. If EVERY woman who had a baby went home because of being expected to in order to be a good mother, then every business model would be totally different. Businesses would only hire women to do the lowliest of jobs. Men would have ALL the jobs that offer advancement. Women's salaries would be very small. Our whole economy would be much smaller. Single women would not be able to make ends meet because companies would not want to trust to hire them for any higher paying job. Even if men make enough money for their wives to stay home, which is certainly not true, it would penalize women across the board.

When you think of this issue, you are only thinking with your mommy heart. You need to ask yourself if this makes sense, mommy. Your "head" should try to think of practical reasons why it wouldn't make sense for every woman to only aspire to baby-making and staying at home.

Aside from the points other moms make about who would teach and doctor our kids other than men, (good point, Lisa) and losing the opportunity to get raises (another good point Mom2KCK), and the importance of women being able to take care of themselves in case of their husband's death or divorce (another good point, Galwaygirl), there's also the retirement issue, mom. Retirements have gotten hit HARD by the banking crisis and recession. Some retirement plans invested in speculative exotic banking instruments that blew up, and millions of people's retirement funds lost tremendous amounts of value. A woman who works needs the retirement funds early on in her career so that it has time to grow, especially with whipsawing financial markets. I worked for 15 years, and have stayed home for the past 13 while moving around for my husband's career, but that retirement fund of mine is very important to me. I'm grateful for my husband's, but if he had not been as successful as he has been while I moved around with him for his career, that retirement fund of mine might have ended up being crucial.

I think that maybe you don't understand financial planning, or you could look beyond the here and now that you currently enjoy to see why there are valid reasons for women to work, even if they can afford to not just eat hot dogs right now.

I won't go into more explanations here, since that could take all night! But I do hope that something you read here on this thread will help you understand that women offer more to society than your limited point of view.

Dawn

You really do sound quite judgmental here. It really depends on finances. I HAVE to work, but I also LOVE my job and career. If you only have the capacity to make minimum wage, then yes of course it usually makes sense to stay home. However, I have a Master's Degree and am well experienced in my field. I am well compensated, so it still makes sense for me to work. Do I have mommy guilt? Yes, of course...what working Mom doesn't at some point and time? However, I am providing well for my children. If I didn't work, our annual income just might qualify for govt. assistance. I believe that govt. assistance is for people that are unable to work for whatever reason. I am healthy and skilled...thus I work to provide for my family.

Well, I think your post is very judgemental and as a working mother, I definitely don't appreciate you judging me. I work because I want to. We were on a hot dog budget and I wanted better for my kids. My salary, along with my husband's, has provided more for them and I wouldn't change it. My work has always been flexible and I never miss a field trip, an award ceremony, or sometimes lunch with my kids at school. I get my kids off the bus every day. I have a morning sitter who is wonderful and a half-day sitter for my 4 year old who we love like family.

I'm sorry that you feel working mother's are missing out on their kids, because we are not. There are days where I just want to stay home with my kids, just as I'm sure you have days where you want some adult time. The grass is ALWAYS greener. Just remember that and try not to judge so badly.

And also, it's not so easy to get back to work later. In the last 5 years, I have gotten $55k worth of raises...that provides an awful lot for my kids. Had I not worked these 5 years, in another year when my youngest is in school, not only would I be an older junior person, but I wouldn't have the flexbility I have in my closer to senior level position now.

I work from home ;)

Honestly, I would get bored not working and being a stay at home mom. I know how absolutely blessed I am to stay home during the day, and yes, there are days I b!tch about working, but it keeps me busy. If I don't stay 100% busy, I think I'd fall over and die. I'd also love to work out of the house once in a while, just for the change in scenery. There are days I feel the house is closing in on me because I'm here ALL. OF. THE. TIME.

Anyway, back to your post, I find it incredibly rude and offensive to think that just because a mom chooses to work, that she's not thinking of her children's best interests. Now is a day where both mom and dad work because THEY HAVE TO. I bet you any amount of money that there will come a day when YOU have to go back to work, and I bet you choke on the words you're saying right now.

Well, I took some time and read through all 81 responses. Then I went back and read your question again, and I want to say, in all honesty, that you really did sound judgemental. I wanted to give your question a fair shake, but since your stance is "very, very pro stay at home mom" why did you want to hear the other side? So you could shoot down their reasons for working?
You say that you are disappointed in the answers, but you need to realize that many of the working moms are disappointed too. Disappointed in yet again having to defend themselves against a stay at home mom who thinks that her choice is superior.

I am not writing this in anger, just trying to help you see that, even though you may not have TRIED to offend or hurt, your post definitely was worded in an offensive way.
I AM a stay at home mom and I have great respect for my friends who are working mommies. It's important for us (both working moms and stay at home moms) to have understanding and grace for situations that we don't have any experience in.

You got LOTS of interesting answers, but I wanted to add: It actually gets harder to work when kids are in school. It's very hard to find a job from 9am-2pm. And then if you do, you miss out on all the cool things your kids do at school: class plays, parties, concerts, field trips, etc. So good luck with trying to work when they are in school.

I worked when my older daughter was young and stayed home when my second child arrived 10 years later. I've done both. Both are difficult, and neither way makes you a better parent.

The way you worded your post does seem very harsh, judgmental and hurtful. I hope you really aren't like that and hope you don't talk like that to your working mom friends.

Don't you "relize" that hot dogs are bad for your kids?

You're right, it is an offensive topic.

I'm a SAHM mom turned WAHM. I would do everything I can to stay home with my kids, but that's ME! To each their own..........

I read this earlier in the day but couldn't respond because I was WORKING (educating physicians on the importance on women's health testing)!!

There are many more sides to moms than just two: Stay at home moms, full time working moms, moms that work from home, student mothers, stay at home moms that don't care, part time working moms just to name a few.

I am divorced but I always wanted to work. I worked very hard to get into a full time position+ that allowed me a flexible schedule to always be room mom, team mom, volunteer, involved in sports and other activities until she was a senior in high school. I have always been in sales but did much of my work (contract writing , bids, e-mail) while my daughter was sleeping.

I won't live on a hot dog budget as you call it...I was in college previously and that was enough!! My lifestyle is something I worked very hard to achieve: I love being able to travel, pay cash for a new car, pay for very costly sports and lessons, live in a wonderful area with an awesome home, plan greatly for retirement, did I say travel (???) and not bat an eye when college fees are due.

My daughter is the first person to say that she has an amazing life, I know I did very well at the mommy thing. Staying home with your children (or working outside of the home) does not make you a better mother.

Do you ever feel deep down inside that you should be able to provide for your children better? People are different, families are different

If you really want to know why some women choose to work outside the home and others don't, then simply ask that..."Why do you choose to be a working mom or stay at home mom?" Your question at the very end would have been just fine by itself, but it was unfortunately preceeded by several very judgemental statements. This makes it seem more like a way for you to say how wrong you think it is for moms to work outside the home than a true invitation to share honestly about a very personal decision. Until you are able to broach this topic with more diplomacy and less judgement, I would recommend you refrain discussing this topic with ALL other mom friends. Just because someone is currently a stay at home mom doesn't mean they weren't in the past, or aren't contemplating it now. Take this post-gone-wrong as a learning opportunity to honestly evaluate how you present yourself. If you truly want to know, then come back in a few months and repost an edited version: "Do you work or stay at home? And why?" That expresses your intent perfectly.

Okay. You wanted answers, here goes. I work full time. Always have. There are many reasons:
1) I am an Ivy-League educated person, which means that in my 20's, I had a lot of student loans to pay off. To the tune of $600/month. Try doing that without a job.
2) My husband never graduated from college, which means that he is going to have a harder time earning a big paycheck than I do. However, he does not want to be a SAHP. (For the record, why don't people judge MEN who don't want to stay home? Just curious...)
3) So, because I've always been a very hard worker (worked 3 jobs all through college, worked 60+ hours/week through my 20's), I've been promoted through the ranks pretty quickly at work. By the time I turned 30, I was making a 6-figure salary. I am by FAR the primary breadwinner in my family.
4) Our country doesn't have any form of universal health care. My husband is self-employed. I work for a big company that offers benefits for my whole family, free of charge to me. Obviously if I didn't work, we would be without health care, which is not a good idea and leads many families to bankruptcy when a family member is ill or injured. This does not seem to be a fiscally responsible choice in my case.
5) I don't feel like I should be at home, no. I have always paid for the best child care possible. The nannies my girls had when they were young were wonderful ladies who are to this day like family to us. You may not realize this, but in most cultures around the world, whole families help in raising children. In other words, while mom is doing chores, grandma takes care of the baby. Or an aunt might take several kids out to play. It's not required that one person is solely responsible for a child's care - it's probably not even healthy. I've always considered our child care providers to be part of our children's team, which includes me, my husband, and other friends and relatives.
6) My children have responded very well to this approach. Had they not, obviously we would have made adjustments to meet their needs. They've never had social problems, and both girls make friends easily and are well-mannered. They're now 6 and 9, and both girls have always had straight A's, and take lessons at a professional ballet company, which they love. They both love to read. They're normal, happy children.
7) I feel it's important for children, especially girls, not just to be TOLD that they can do anything or be anything if they work hard enough, but to actually SEE that it's possible. I grew up in near-poverty, but was able to overcome that, get scholarships to good schools, attend a top 10 university, and have made a name for myself in a field dominated by men. My girls "help" me in the office by filing, organizing my desk, etc. This is not an area of my life that is closed off from them, by any means. I'll have them sit in my home office and listen to conference calls with clients, I'll have them walk jobsites with me. (Both of them know the difference between a concrete saw and a chop saw, and they know a crescent wrench from pliers - I'm in construction management.) Likewise, they shadow me in my "home" job too.They know how to do laundry, they can make bolognese sauce from scratch, they know that you can't plant Impatiens in direct sunlight, or Lavender in deep shade. Kids need mentors of all types. I'm pleased that I can represent homemaking skills as well as professional skills to my daughters.

Obviously the reasons people have for making major life and career choices are complex. I don't think you can make sweeping judgements about either SAHMs or working moms. Not all SAHMs are doing their children a service, just as not all working moms have children pining away for them and lacking attention! As long as our children are thriving, there is no need to get our collective knickers in a twist, right? ;)

Hmmm....first an answer to your question.
Right now I stay at home. I have a 9 month old, 6 year old and 9 year old. Before the baby I worked full time as a nanny so that I could bring my children with me and make a bit of money as well. Why did I work? Because I had to. We needed the money. Maybe YOU would think that we didn't, but we did.
Your definition of "need" and someone else's may vary drastically. Maybe they are paying off amazing amounts of debt racked up when they were in school. Maybe there is a sick parent that needs extra money. Maybe there is a special needs child. Maybe they don't want to live on a "hot dog budget". Maybe some of them want to be able to give their children what they never had. Maybe they want to do extra curricular activities. Maybe they want to be able to take family vacations.
Maybe it's none of your business.
I love being home with my kids. I love seeing them whenever I can and being there. But, I hate not having any money. I hate it when they ask me if they can do something or buy something and I have to say "no" because there's not enough money. I hate having to plan when and where I am going so I don't waste the piddly amount of gas in my car. I will work again. I will work in the evening so that my kids don't have to go to daycare. Not because I don't think they would thrive, but because daycare is expensive!!!
I feel like I am rambling here, but I guess my final thought is this. Children thrive with their mothers and thrive in daycare's. They get different kinds of attention and interactions. You say you really want to know, and I see that you are trying to be open, but your post is still quite offensive to those that are raising their children differently than you. I have not read what anyone else wrote but I am going to bet that you pissed some moms off. Read ALL of the responses and keep an open mind. You may learn something.
L.

Hard, I think to word something like this so it doesn't sound judgmental. I believe that you really want to understand.

I work. I work for a variety of reasons, mostly non-strictly-monetary.

I was 42 when I had my daughter, and always assumed I'd work. I had a stay at home mom when I was a kid and we were ALL much happier when she went back. I think that in order to be at home with your kids all day you need a lot of patience, and a real focus. When my daughter was tiny (under one) I was miserable and wished I could stay at home. Now that she is three, I think we might be better off as things are.

Why did I choose to go back to work/stay at work, even though we might have (strictly speaking) afforded me staying at home?
Here are the semi-monetary reasons I never carefully crunched the numbers to see if I really could have stayed at home, or done something part time:
1) Life/job security. I was the one with the full time job, my husband was contracting. The economy had just crashed. I knew that, if we needed to, we could get by on my salary (I make almost as much as my husband).
2) I have the good health insurance and other benefits, at a much better price.
3) I knew I would want a job in just a couple/three years, and I have: a job I like, a great family-friendly boss and department, a short commute, and a lot of good will built up at my company. I get to be far more flexible than I would at a new job, and I know that wil be a great thing once she's in school.
4) I don't want to live on a "hot dog budget." I want to be able to go to the local swim club in the summer. I want to put money away for her college education every month. I want to buy the little extras. I'm not extravagant, but I do like having extra money in my pocket.
5) I am still putting my older daughter through college. It is just a trickle now, but a trickle we might not be able to afford if I stayed home.
Non-monetary reasons:
1) I like to work and I like my job. I like my co-workers. I like getting praise (an sometimes extra money) for a job well done. I like projects that END. I enjoy adult interaction every day.
2) While I love my daughter more than life itself, I'm not sure I could be in her presence all day every day without becoming snappish and frustrated. Being at home with her might make me a worse parent overall.
3) She loves her daycare, which is a more like a full-day montessori pre-school now. She has a LOT of friends, gets to do crafts, food preparation (baking!), has outside time, is learning a lot, and comes home bubbly and happy every day. While we miss each other, I recognize that I couldn't provide the level of stimulation, learning and socialization she's getting.

Do I miss her? Sure. Do I wish I could be home with her? Sometimes. In the summer especially, or on a nice day when we could be at the park with friends. Sometimes not. On a cold winter day when I drop her off to play with a bunch of kids and do neat things, and I go off to a job where I'm respected and I feel I'm doing something useful in society, not so much.

Finally, I've met stay at home moms who are in the right place, and I've met some who I want to shake and say "go back to work!" Miserable moms, moms who are bored, who snap at their kids, who so cram their days and nights with activities to fill the void that they spend LESS time with their kids than I do. I'm glad you feel fulfilled where you are, and I hope my answer helps you understand why everyone might not feel the same way.

Added later: ALSO, why doesn't anyone ask why dad's don't stay home with their kids? I feel that sometimes the men in these traditional relationships end up working far more hours, and the father-child relationship isn't as robust as if there's a working mom.

I work outside the home. There are a whole host of reasons why. First, I am the primary breadwinner in our house, and the entire family is on my health insurance, so I can't imagine not working. It is not simply a "We need the money" thing - without it we would NEVER be able to afford the house we have, my husbands insurance at his job is outrageous - to insure our family of 4 it would take up over 1/3 of his pay each month. We actually discussed having my husband be a SAHD, but he didn't feel he would be able to do it.
Secondly, I had my career in full swing by the time I had children (1st at 35, 2nd at 36), so I can't imagine giving it up. I love my job, and I think being a good teacher allows me to be a better mother. I know that I probably wouldn't be good at being a SAHM. I love and appreciate the time I DO have with my children because of the time I don't have with my children.
I don't feel like staying home is for me or my kids. They LOVE their day school and pre-school. I love how much they are learning and growing each and every day.
I hate that I often feel like I have to defend myself and my decisions to work. People are in different situations, and unless you walk in their shoes, people shouldn't judge. I have all the respect in the world for SAHM's, they have the hardest job in the world. I just know that it's not the job for everyone, and certainly not for me.

Well, what works for one family may not work for another family. What doesn't work for one family is exactly right for another family

Some mothers are *miserable* when working out of the home. They do so because they MUST.

Some mothers love working outside of the home. It fulfills them, and thus they come home internally fed and ready to give 100% to their children. They are better mothers because they are the person they want to be - the person they want their children to see.

Some mothers stay at home because they love it. It just fits, and they can't imagine any other way.

Some mothers stay at home because they can't afford to work outside the home (child care costs more than they'd be making).

Some mothers go to school part or full time.

Some are students who also work outside the home.

And so on and so forth.

You are assuming that other families have the same needs and wants as you do. Which is not always true. That what fulfills one woman is exactly the same as what fulfills you. We are very different and complex creatures - so are our children.

I want my girl children to see me as whole woman. A woman who is alive and passionate, dynamic, interested, connected, who has choice and community. I'm a stay at home mom right now. It's more financially viable and I like it for the time being. I am not always at home with my kids though. I set up childcare trades with friends and am out of the house working on projects at least 8 hrs a week. I spend another 12 hrs working/researching/writing from home. Not paid, but it fills my heart. I spend less time with my children as a result, and the time I spend is more present, more consistent, and richer.

I am setting the example I want to set. Based on our priorities and value system, our wants, our needs - and my children's wants and needs.

Each family is different. Each should do what works best for them. Sounds like you've found what works for your family - but that's going to be different than what other's choose.

My parents were barely in their 20's when they had me and my sister - I grew up seeing both parents working and being independent people - I believe we all think what we grow up with is 'normal'. Growing up I always thought about what I wanted to 'be when I grew up' and whatever that was at the time was in ADDITION to being a mom. In the town where I grew up SAHMs were not 'the norm'. I think there were maybe one or two kids I knew of in my school who had parents who stayed home.

Anyway - I am the primary breadwinner - me not working is not an option.

I'd also like to say that your post seemed a bit judgemental - maybe I am sensitive to it as I feel discrimminated against much of the time for being a working mother - if I didn't live in the Chicago suburbs and lived back in my hometown I think I'd feel comfortable about it because it's 'normal'.....

I am also curious - you say "don't you know how much you miss and your kids miss you when they are in daycare..." if you've always been home how do you know what the kids experience in daycare??

I have worked with all of my children. With my first, I worked because I was single and had to but I never planned on being a SAHM so it was just something I took in stride.

With my younger children, I guess you could say that I "choose" to work because I knowingly married a man who makes less than I do. If staying home were a priority to me, I guess I would have married someone else with a much larger income.

That said, I would work even if I didn't *have to.* I have a fulfilling career that provides my family with a tidy income, excellent benefits, and flexibility. My husband is as capable for caring for our children as I am, and my mother - who helped us for years - and the daycare providers we have used have been MORE capable than us. My children have always been well cared for and they see plenty of me.

I really don't think too much about SAHMs because people do what works for them and who am I to judge? But when I do consider the topic, I do think it's a hard job to be at home with small children all the time and some of us - myself included - would be miserable spending all day, every day with little kids. I think that SAHM's of school-age kids have it made in the shade but most of them earned it by being home for those relentless, grueling, baby-toddler-pre-school years. I also worry about SAHMs who rely 100% on their husbands for income and then end up divorced. I do think that even those who choose to stay at home need to be thinking about how they would survive on their own and take steps to be able to go back into a lucrative career if they ever needed to.

While the idea of staying at home until the kids are in school sounds great, that's usually 6 years for one child, stretched out for subsequent children. Even 2 kid spaced 2 years apart would mean 8 years out of the workforce. 8 years is an eternity in the workplace and in terms of things like saving for retirement, etc. So while that plan makes sense for some - my mom was home with us for 12 years until my youngest sibling was in school - not every career can survive that kind of break so I do think that women opting out for 5-10 years need to be aware of that and choose their initial careers accordingly or plan on some sort of additional schooling or training to get back into the work force.

Anyway...it's certainly not something as simple and black-and-white as SAHM vs. WOHM. Many work part-time, go to school, have flexible schedules, work at home, etc. and I think that it would be more worth our while to support moms of all walks of life and not judge how others decide what the best arrangements are for their families.

I am 50 years old and a mom to a 9 year-old daughter and two stepkids 29 and 26, and Gramma S. to three grandchildren. I am also a student working on a PhD, a career consultant who helps unemployed/ underemployed people in their job search, a management trainer, a Black Belt in karate, a runner, a reader, a lover, and much more.

I am a loving, caring, supportive, involved, effective parent. I also do many other things. I do these things for my fulfillment, to make an impact on the world in my small way, to set an example to my kids that they can accomplish much.

I also make some money with some of my activities. I have rent and bills to pay, and a future to save for. I have an ex-husband who is retired and does help support his child, financially and in all other ways.

I have never felt like I want to not work because I was a parent. I have wanted to have a career, not just a job, since I was in elementary school. I have wanted to contribute in many ways, and to get paid for my contributions. I wanted to be as financially independent as possible throughout my life. When I was married, there were multiple times that I was the sole financial provider for the whole family. Luckily, because of my education and skills, I was able to provide sufficiently.

My daughter loved daycare from 3 months of age on. She looked forward to going. She looked forward to spending time with me and her dad, also. She does not go to daycare now at 9 because our schedules are flexible enough that we can be home when she is, including summers, but she is very social and we sign her up for lots of outside activities because she likes them.

So that's a quick overview of my thoughts on my life.

On the subject of money. Why is the desire to make money a negative thing? Does the desire, or need, to make money invalidate a person's parenting commitment?? The expense to a person of being out of the workforce for several years is huge! It is not just the weekly paycheck that is missing, but the contributions to Social Security and private funds for saving for retirement that do not exist. Is "scraping by" some sort of moral badge of honor? Or, is providing a comfortable living for your family a desirable thing? What happens when the sole provider is laid off, like so many have been these last few years, and can't find work for many months?

Also, I've heard way to many stories, on this website and in my work, where women are left devastated when they are suddenly faced with divorce or the death of their partner. And what happens when a woman has no work history and her partner becomes abusive? My grandmother and my mother wanted to leave their husbands but could not. They had no way of financially supporting themselves. I swore by age 9 or 10 that those things were never going to happen to me. I would create a life where I could support myself and any children I had - alone if need be.

I love my life and I love my children.

Why do we have to have mommy wars? Why can't we all agree that being a mom or a dad is a very difficult job and try to help one another? I am tired of everyone being so judgemental. If you don't know me or my children or my husband, how can you know what is best for us?

Like Kristen, I am an old Mommy - I had a 15 year career and advanced degrees before I became a mom. This is not because I postponed having children but because I didn't find someone that I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me until I was in my sort of late 30s. We met and got married in less than a year and had a baby 14 months later. My husband married a woman with a career and honestly, it never occured to him that I might be a SAHM. About a year after our first baby, we decided together that I would take a turn in my career and work 3 days per week. I love my days "off" when I am a SAHM and I love my days at work. We have baby #2 now and there are times when I would like to leave my job and be a full time SAHM. However, my husband doesn't want to be the primary breadwinner - he feels that would place a really large burden on him. Also, we know that it would be very difficult for me to get my licenceses again if I were to drop them and my professional insurance. Basically, I would have to start over in my career. With over 20 years in, that would be a huge setback.

My mom was a teacher who worked from the time that I can remember until last year when she retired. Now that I am a mom I can see how helpful it was that she had a school calendar and was off during holidays / school vacations / etc and I never had to go home alone. However, I don't want to teach and would be terrible at it. I have a lot of flexibilty and sometimes work from home.

Yes, SAHMs are a foreign concept to some people. And that is OK. And working outside the home moms are foreign to others and that is okay too. I think we should just agree that everyone and every family is different and that raising children is definately the hardest job there is - at home or outside!

Thanks for listening - I hope you were able to take something from my perspective.
C.

I have done both. I have stayed home, worked from home very occasionally, worked from home nearly full-time, and now am staying at home again.

I find that I need to have some sort of work to do or I become very unhappy. I'm a preschool teacher by trade and my brain needs some sort of stimulation besides sitting on the floor and playing or doing housework. At present, writing is my work, my outlet for thinking, creating, planning. Construction and expression of ideas is important to me. This fills something inside me that my family cannot.

For the early part of this year and all of last year I ran a preschool out of my home. Partly for money, partly for brain stimulation. My son was with me for part of the time, and has been enrolled in another preschool since last September. This has been good for both of us. He needs a life outside of who he is with me, and vice versa.

There is a good book entitled "The Wall Between Women" about this very topic; the tension and assumptions between working mothers and stay at home mothers. I am not offended, but your questions "Is it because working moms way deep down feel like they should stay home? Do they realize how much they are missing or how much their children miss them when they are put in daycare?" are a sort of contributing assumption here. Yes, parents who work full-time are torn: they feel like there is a personal or societal expectation that they stay home, but they can feel miserable there too. For some of us, playing with kids and doing housework all day is akin to watching paint dry. It's just our personality, our temperament. I also know women who are active and out with the kids every day and thrive on it. That's not me.

For women on a professional track, it is extremely difficult to reenter the work force at the same level and rate of pay after taking any significant time away from their work. I witnessed this firsthand as nanny to a woman who does very, very good work for the world, but chose to stay at home and do grant writing and consultation instead of seeking professorship early on. It took her over ten years to rebuild her professional status. She's a brilliant thinker and had her doctorate, but six years out of the larger job market totally wiped her out.

Also, do not discredit the terrific daycare programs that are available. They are out there, and parents on a professional track can afford to place their children in programs with great curriculum and loving teachers that the children adore and thrive in. There are other options besides the stay-at-home option in which children and families do thrive. My son and I were both bonkers when he was part of my preschool (and this summer, truthfully, when preschool was on a break). He loves having a group of kids to play with and his teachers both inspire me and provide good balance for our family.

I think one piece of this, to me, is part of a truism that seems to run throughout parenting as well as other aspects of life: if one is confident in one's own decisions, one will not need to demean or look down upon anyone else's choice. I have a sister who is successfully, lovingly homeschooling her three boys. I admire and appreciate this deeply, yet I know that is not a good choice for me personally.

Yet I have to be honest, when I hear some parents talk about 'the sacrifice' they make to stay at home, I wonder about the burden placed on their kids. If it is a huge, unhappy sacrifice to stay home, I believe it would be better for everyone if that parent were at work. My family has been especially unsupportive of working women (esp. the families I nannied for "why would they have children if they didn't want to raise them?") I found their statements disrespectful. Many women do not have a choice BUT to work. They are unmarried, they are widowed, they are divorced, they didn't get the education opportunities that others have. I have worked with both a more affluent sector of the population as well as low-income families. The mothers who could afford to stay at home and chose to work were generally much happier than those mothers who had no choice but to work. And those moms who could afford to stay home, but chose to work, often did it so that their kids could have more opportunities than they did. Many of the private nannying I did was for women who were doing very positive work in the world on a professional level.

Read "The Wall Between Women". I think you will find an eye-opening book.

I work full time and am lucky to be able to do it from my home. I love it because I can always make it to school functions, volunteer, etc, and I do actually enjoy homemaking. I am very blessed to not have to shell out for child care and it is also a blessing to be able to hang out with my 3 year old every day. THAT BEING SAID, if I did not have a work from home job, YES I would absolutely work outside the home. The reasons are numerous:
-Financial security. At least if one of us loses our job or has a pay cut, there is another income to help out and we are not totally out of luck
-Yes, we could make it on my husbands salary...If we had only 1 car, lived in a harsher part of town or way out in the boonies, If we did not ever buy any luxuries whatsoever, if I spent much of my free time clipping coupons, if if if. I like the quality of life we have. It is a good balance.
-Some people just need that adult interaction! Actually, most of us need it...being at home is isolating. Some Moms just do better at the Mom thing if they can get away every day and actually miss their kids. Quality time is more important than quantity of time.
Just remember that not everyone is the same as you. They value their children just as much as you do.

**Edited to add: In the few years that I have followed Mamapedia, I cannot tell you how many posts I have read, from ladies just like you and me, whose hubby loses a job and they have been a SAHM for years and finding a good-paying job is near impossible since they have been out of the workforce for a few years. OR their hubby cheats/wants a divorce. It may seem unthinkable that those things could happen to me or you, but I will always have a job just for those reasons. I also have to say, My husband and I have NEVER had the argument that many spouses have over "which job is harder- staying home with the kids or working outside the home", because I have always worked (he would do days and I would do nights and vice versa, for many years). We also don't fight about money and I think a lot of it is because we both are earning. Now, I am not saying these things to pick at anybody, because obviously us both working has caused other issues- like we didn't see each other much when we worked opposite shifts, which takes a toll on a marriage. But the benefits are something that I would be hard pressed to give up.

My parents both worked and put a lot of money away into their retirement account. My mom now has about a half a million dollars at age 70, collecting her social security and isnt a financial burden on me. I didnt miss her when she was working while I was growing up, I was busy being a kid. If she wouldnt have worked the entire time, I'm sure she'd be living with me right now.
There are reasons that both people will work, they are planning for their future. Kids get their own life when they become adults, parents need to take care of themselves and not get lost in just raising kids because it's only temporary.
Some people don't like staying home all day and raising the kids, it doesnt mean that they don't love their kids as much as the next mom tho, it's all about what is right for their family plan. Mom's should be able to do what they want to do and not worry about what other moms think about their decision. There is absolutely no guarantee that kids from sahm homes vs working mom homes turn out better or worse.
Either way, which ever you choose to do when you are able to have the choice, no one should make you feel guilty for it.
I stayed home until both of mine were in school and then I happily went to work.
I dont remember feeling guilty for doing either.

I am an "old mom" too. (Gave birth at 34YO.) I had/have an architectural career - I've been working in my field since 19YO. To give it up so suddenly, and stay home without doing something beyond "mommy-ing" would have killed me. There's only so many times I can clean the bathroom or empty the dishwasher before my brain starts itching....

As it is, now that my little guy is 5YO, and just started kindergarten, he needs me at home more NOW than he did when he was a baby, and with caregivers/family during my work hours. So I've very recently become a "SAHM with WAHM tendencies" (I pick up extra hours on projects when my office needs some O/T done). I only work when he's at school or in bed.

Oh, and the money that the hubby and I banked when we were both working just bought us a new house - in a great suburban/rural neighborhood - with excellent schools and lots of nature... The Kiddo thanks us a couple times a week for the house. :)

honeslty, i've done both and i can say that you're very judgemental. I agree that everyone has diferent skills, some can teach, some can do. Some kids are better off in preschool if their moms dont have the same skills and patience others do. I hope you're not teaching your child to be so judgemental. Also everyone doesnt live the same lifestyle, some could argue some of those 2 parent working households that save up so their kids can learn spanish, or take a family month long trip to a far off place where they can experience and learn about the world is better for them than living off scraps.
I have to work, I'm a sinlge mom, I would LOVE to be home with my daughter, but unfotunately I can not do this, and do you know what, if you have the luxury of staying home when your kids in K and are active in the classroom, maybe make a buddy with a kid whose parent can;t come and make them feel special and realize that they'd love nothing more than to be there.

Well, I work PT and it is the right fit for me.
Because of our schedules, we don't use childcare.

I think the reason it IS such a "heated" topic isn't because of the way the at home mom or the working mom "feels" -- it's because of the implied attitude of the other, who *thinks* she know what's best for someone else.

Staying at home works for you, but you're not anybody else.

It doesn't appear you want to know anything as you have decided. Isn't it just possible to have an opinion without thinking everyone else must have it? It sounds more like you are trying to justify your choices and I can't see why you 'need' to do that.....I also find it offensive to women that you think only women can be the stay home parent if there is one...many children are raised well by two working parents and many are raised poorly by one income families....it is personal choice - perhaps a woman wants her children to see the possibilites for women? It sure hasn't always been so. Maybe they want to raise the kids with a strong work ethic - that all must work and contribute to the family and society and maybe, just maybe they WANT to work as they are a better person and have more to give when they do......the problem, which you have underscored hugely, and which I worked for when I held office in National Organization for Women in the 70s is that women deserve a choice in how they conduct their lives and unfortunately, women such as yourself, want to make them "wrong"....choice is choice - it is not a matter of "I am right and you are wrong" - staying home is a valid choice for many and should be respected but working outside the home is just as valid and should also be respected.....please take some time and search yourself to see why you feel the need for validation by slamming others....good luck!

I think both working moms and SAH moms fear the judgements of the other group. Fear often gives rise to anger as a means of coping, and anger often gives rise to defensiveness, resentment, and judgment. Once those appear in our emotional landscapes, even when we don't recognize how or why they got there, we are not able to listen with interest or compassion to those we perceive as somehow threatening to our own choices.

So, both sides often judge the other group as a way to "justify" their own choice or necessity. It's too bad, because there are superb reasons to stay home, and superb reasons to work. But nearly any mother has the same basic willingness and desire – to love, nurture, support and sacrifice for our families. If we all realized that, the accusations and defensiveness would melt away.

I don't think the snarky comments were from you wanting to know. It was from your tone in your question. You come off extremely judgemental, and even though you're asking to see it from the other point of view, it seems like you are unable to, from the way you worded your question. Perhaps next time you might word it a little better.

I have both worked and stayed home. I have decided to stay home permanently, if possible. My cousin has always worked. She would go absolutely CRAZY if she stayed home, so she's a better wife and mom because she works. I, on the other hand, go crazy when I'm working, so I'm a better wife and mom when I stay home. It's all about what's right for each family.

Hey -
I am a single mom by choice (ie meaning I conceived my children artificially), so obviously I have to work. And I know you honestly want to know the answer, and the answer is no - I don't want to stay at home. I LOVE my kids, but being with them 24/7 would drive me absolutely over the edge. As a single mom, I don't have a huge social life (being married, you may not really realize it, but most of your social activities probably often are with other couples or other families). As a single mom, I'm excluded from a lot of that (that's fine with me). But, my point is - work is my social outlet. I LOVE going to work and interacting with bright, intelligent people.

And, I know for a fact that the daycare I employ does an excellent job of teaching my children skills that I probably would NOT even think of teaching them.

And, when you ask "do they realize how much they are missing or how much their children miss them"...that implies a negative attitude. I really don't think my children do miss me when they are at daycare. My kids have always gone off to daycare with a smile on their faces. Both of my kids are HUGE extroverts whereas I am an introvert. I am perfectly happy to park my car on Friday evenings and not move it again until Monday morning - but both of my kids nearly strangle me when I do that - because they crave being out and around people.

Now, in regards to stay at home moms, I have GREAT friends that are stay at home moms that do a GREAT job with their kids - special projects, museums, etc. But, I also see moms that don't even move when their kids are at the playground and don't really interact with them at all. Should I ask you if you are a GOOD stay at home mom or a poor one - when you ask me if you realize how much I am missing?

-L.

I stay at home. I think there are women out there that are born to stay home and raise children, and then there are those that are better mothers if they are not with their children 24/7. I stay at home because I don't have much of a choice. With barely an Associates Degree and with only Receptionist experience, the only job I would qualify for at this point would barely, if at all cover the cost of childcare. I am not saying that I hate staying at home. I just think that I would be a better mother if I weren't with them all day every day. If you really think that every mother should stay home with their child that is just ridiculous. As you can see from this website we are all very different from one another, so why should we all be doing the same thing?

I left engineering to become an early intervention specialist thinking it would be more "mom" friendly. I knew if I stayed in engineering I would often have to work 50 or more hours per week and possibly travel. But ECI was very emotionally draining so I quit when my second son was born.
While I loved being a SAHM, it was very isolating. So I started a home based business. Then I became a personal trainer so I could still be home when the boys were.
I couldn't bear to be away from them and miss anything. But on the other hand, I loath house work!

Why do you care why working moms work? It isn't anybodies business but theirs. Who do you think will teach your kids if they all stay home? Who will be the nurse and do you think a woman doctor should stop being a doctor because she has kids? or should she just not have any kids?

You think too much about stuff that doesn't concern you. And yes, it makes people mad to read your question.

I worked part time in the evenings but then got laid off when my employer became ill. The reason I worked in the evenings was because my husband and I decided that we did not want to place our child in daycare. We wanted one of us to be with her the majority of the time. When I had my second child we decided that I would stay home permanently until the girls were in school. After paying for full time daycare and preschool for 2 children, I would end up working for pittance so it didn't really make sense. I miss working and if I were not taking classes, I would work in the evening or on the weekends for my own self edification.

I think the reason why working v. stay at home is such a big deal is because of judgy people on both sides (which you certainly come across as). To each their own. Many children love their daycare and do not feel abandoned by mom and dad. Many children of stay at home parents are not sheltered and oddballs. Common misconceptions that are made.

I stay home, but I totally understand why many women want to work. I have many moments when I miss the old me, the one that had smart and insightful things to say, the one that didn't wipe butts and clean the floor all day long. The one that didn't sometimes wish the kids would just go away and let me along for a moment so I could have a few thoughts that didn't revolve around them, or housework. I use to have deep thoughts! I was once told I had a lot to contribute to X field. Now? I clean floors and try to stay on top of giant messes that are created just as soon as I have cleaned up the last one. I'm a published writer that hasn't written a word (save for websites like this and email) in over 4 years!

At the same time, I take offense to the idea that I don't have a job, that I'm not a working mother. We live in a world where what we do as stay at home moms isn't even considered work! Once upon a time, women that stayed at home had a career. It was called housewife. I call it being a domestic engineer.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I use to say "i'm a stay at home mom." Now when asked if I work, I say "yes, I run a household." I'm the CEO, the CFO and the executive secretary. I'm also the lawn and cleaning service. I'm also a teacher (I home school), and everything else under the moon. We don't pay other people to do things, I do them. We have an elaborate 5 year financial plan, I balance our 401k yearly, I fertilize the lawn and do all the landscape (I have built tons of flower beds, etc). I have even done dry wall repair work, to say nothing of having painted every room in this house by myself, doing all the patch work and sanding required to do a top quality job.

My point. Why do I stay at home? Because we couldn't afford our life style if I did work. The cost of doing business is a lot, and the cost of day care is ridiculous. Mostly, I stay home because I am a mom. It's what this mom does, because I can't fathom having any other job under the sun.

Well, just because you can stay home, doesn't mean you should, or that you'll like it or be good at it. Not all stay at home moms are perfect Betty Crocker do it all-ers. Some moms are content with cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc, day in & day out, some need or want more. Some work because they need benefits. Some work, so they can have money in the bank. Some work for a better quality of life, so they're not living in poverty. Some work because it gives a sense of contribution & self worth that staying home doesn't give them. Some work because they studied their asses off at college & want to further their careers. Some work because they enjoy the adult interaction & challenges that a career can bring. Some work because they don't like being completely dependent on another adult to care for them. Some work "just in case" their marriage ends, they can be self sufficient. It depends on the person, the family you are talking to.

Just remember, we are all doing the best we can, doing what we feel is right for our families. Just because you don't understand or agree with it, doesn't mean it's wrong. I admire stay at home moms, but I didn't make a very good one, even though I did it for 3 years after leaving a very good job. Now I work part time, and this is my happy medium. I, personally, am not very domestic, and felt very bored & isolated as a stay at home mom. I felt that my brain went to mush. I just need more than what being a stay at home entails, in order to be a happy person.

Personally, I work FROM home, but think no ill of mothers who choose to work even if they don't HAVE to. This is what I chose for MY family and it's what works for us. Other familes have their own dynamic and it isn't for me to judge what is best for someone else.

I work for several reasons but the primary one is money. I won't say how much money I make but it's in the top 1% while my husband's job is never stable. We live pretty simply so have money saved - we're not materialistic people, we drive old cars etc - but I'm still not comfortable quitting partly bc then we might not have healthcare coverage. I don't want to ever put any burden on society whatsoever for the care of myself or my family. That includes college education. I want to pay for my children's education. I also want to have options if they need to go to private school bc our public schools are failing. You may be comfortable living on a hotdog budget but I'm not. I get tempted to quit but even my very old fashioned father says no. I'm the main breadwinner and while we have money saved, you never know what happens in life and the kids will never remember anyway. He asks me - do you remember when you were 4 or 5? I'm glad you're able to stay home and have enough money saved that if someone has a catastrophic illness, you will be able to pay for all the medical expenses and perhaps ongoing care yourselves. Not all children with working mothers are in daycare btw. There are other options. And I still volunteer at their school and make it to every school function etc. As well, my mom was a SAHM and sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if she was working. It does make kids more self sufficient to not be with mommy all the time. I also hope your husband never gets sick or can't work anymore or leaves you. You may be able to easily get back into the workforce but not everyone can. Read the book The Feminine Mistake. I've also heard that once teenagers, kids can look down on their SAHM's and seek out career women who are also mothers as role models. I think given how much time I still spend with my kids, that when they're older they'll appreciate that they can go to college and therefore have a better chance at a comfortable lifestyle and not graduate with a ton of debt. And, we also may be able to help them a bit financially otherwise. All I do is save to take care of them. Finally, you say you'll go back to work when they're in school. What will you do school vacations, sick days etc? Will you be able to attend all their school functions and volunteer in the class while you're working full time? I can take care of all that bc I've shown loyalty to my employer who rewards me with stability and flexibility. If I'd quit, I wouldn't have that. I also have years of education and various degrees, professional designations etc that I'm proud of and I think my children will be someday as well. It's so ironic that it's viewed as better to stay home so that your children grow up I guess "better" than those of working moms. But if those children are girls, does it matter if they grew up "better" which in my definition includes pursuing an education? Bc if they're girls, they're going to just give it all up anyway to be a SAHM. Getting a decent job back after being a SAHM isn't all that easy. A store clerk type job probably is but not higher level jobs. You are being judgemental whether you admit it to yourself or not. Do you want working moms to conclude that all SAHM's stay home bc they don't have much potential to make money anyway and are probably pretty stupid so why not stay home? I doubt you do so next time you judge a working mom, I hope you stop yourself.

I'm a working mom. I grew up with a working mom. However, my MIL ran a home day care for 20 years before she found out she had cancer last March, so my son was with her from the time he was 8 weeks old. And the reason I work outside of the home, is because I hate, hate, hate housework. I despise washing dishes, doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I don't really enjoy cooking, dusting or vaccuming. I would make a HORRIBLE stay at home mom, and the entire family would be miserable because of it. As it is, hubby and I both work 40 hour weeks, and we share all of the chores around the house, as well as the responsibility of paying bills on time. The 15 year old and the 13 year old take turns washing dishes and taking out the trash, on top of keeping their rooms clean. Hubby and I take turns making supper every night. He washes laundry, and I fold and put away. I clean the bathroom and living room, and he mows in the summer and shovels snow in the winter. Our children know that they can call us at any time, even the 4 year old has my phone number memorized. We both help the older kids with homework, take turns reading books to the 4 year old, and still make sure there is time for us to sit down and catch up for at least 30 minutes every day. I have HUGE respect for SAHM's, because that's a HARD job, but I hope they don't judge me because I CHOOSE to work. Hope this helps!

I work because my family needs the money & insurance. But, even if I didn't I would have never been a stay at home mom but I might have chosen to work only part time. I enjoy the break from my children. I need the break from my children. My girls do not suffer because I work. In fact they've been able to develop strong bonds with their grandparents because I work. (My girls are watched by either my mom or IL's)

I've always said its not about the quantity of time you spend with your children but the quality. My dad worked out of city/state/country most my life growing up. It never affected me, why because when he was home, he was an active dad. I think nothing differently if either and/or both parents have to work.

I have a cousin who stays home. Her husband works two jobs and she expects to be treated like a princess. Their house is falling down around them and she "quits" when he gets home, requiring him to take over with the toddler and housework. Is she a better mother than someone who works to provide a safe, healthy home and treats her husband as a true teammate when it comes to ALL things? I think not. Not all kids are better off just because their moms are a physical presence with them all day.

For my part, I really had issues with the idea of my husband working to pay my college debt. I wasn't comfortable with it at all. (Yes, we are one, and yes, our finances are open to each other.) When we had DS, I didn't want to go back to work at first, but it was a no-brainer (again, just speaking for myself!) that I would not - could not - leave my husband to assume sole responsibility for everything. Before I became a mother, I vowed before God to be his helper in our life together and working to ease the financial burden is a way I feel I can do that. We had an understanding that if our son suffered in any way from not being with me all day, then I would quit my job and we would work it out. As it is, God has been extremely faithful to us in providing someone incredible and he is thriving.

I am a much happier person overall when working. It's such a natural extension of me. As a result, when I come home, my time with my son is amazing - we don't take a moment for granted. By contrast, when I am off for the summer, I do notice that I am more easily frustrated and restless.

I strongly second Dawn B., Hazel, and Kiki's thoughts - SO well stated, ladies (as usual!)

I went back to work after I had my oldest. We needed the money and since my MIL was watching him I didnt feel as bad. She watched him for about 6 hours a day. I felt very bad, and I missed him like crazy. I know that it was good for my son though because he was able to spend so much time with his grandma and grandpa and create a very close bond with them.
after the twins were born, due to medical issues with the boys, I had to stay home. it was just to much to ask of my MIL and also I knew that there were certain things my MIL just couldnt do if she had to, like put the NG tube back in when "S" pulled it out etc. We are barely barely scraping by. there have been a couple of months that my in-laws had to give my husband the money for the mortgage. he is working extra jobs. I am hoping to get something part time a couple of mornings a week, even that couple hundred dollars a month will help with expenses.
You should not judge a women because she wants or has to go back to work. Even if the family is financially sound to allow the mom to stay home there is nothing that says she HAS to, she doesnt love her children any less than a sahm does. nothing says that when you have a child you cease to exist as anything other than mom. how do you know what every child in daycare feels? how do you know that they arent happy? they have friends, they get to play, they get to have time away from the house etc. lots of kids enjoy the time. it can be a very good experience for some. not to say all but some. I feel absolutely wretched that my husband is under so much stress and pressure to have 100% of the financial responsibilities sitting solely on his shoulders. He works all the time. his full time job is 2nd shift, he works a part time over nights job 3 nights a week, 2 of which overlap with his fulltime job. he does any and every odd/handyman/landscaping job he can get. so when he is home he is usually having to sleep so that way he can stay awake at work. he very rarely is able to spend time with the boys. He gets so upset when he has to miss things. how is that fair to HIM to make HIM miss out on things and to have to spend so much time away from his children. I feel that is pretty selfish to expect the father to just work his a$$ off and miss out on so many family times just so the mom can stay home. I know it is hard work to be a sahm, i have 3 little one's, all under the age of 3..hell the twins aren't even 1 year old yet. and your comment on working moms feeling guilt for working is just plain rude.

Speaking as a Mom who was in the "Suit and Tie World" before becoming a SAHM I will tell you for me it was a yearning for "Adult stimulation" and the need to feel like I was contributing to our household. I missed those adult conversations and the companionship of my corporate friends. I felt like I was loosing my edge. I also missed my really nice paychecks that used to pay for "extras".

I thought that when the kids went to school I would go back to work. However I found that this was when they REALLY needed me to be a SAHM. The older they got the more they needed me to be there for them (yes, even in HS!). Our third child is in the 2nd grade now and the oldest two (22 and 21) are out of the house. I have traded Corporate America for PTO, Girl Scouts, School District volunteer work, and my own Cottage Bakery Business. I no longer yearn to return to the corporate world... I have all the stimulation I need right here at home.

I worked after my son was born, I never saw myself as a stay at home mom. I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with but I did miss my little guy a lot. When my son was about 10 months old we had a management change in my office and the new office manager ( who replaced me when I went on materinty leave and I had to take a different position) and I did not mesh well. She felt very threatened my the fact I had done her job before she go there and went out of her way to make my life miserable. Shem tried everything she could to make me quit but I told her that she would have to fire me before I would leave. Well she did and I got to spend a year and a half on unemployment and stay at home. I never did go back to work, it is actually better off for our family financially that I stay home and honestly I love it. I could not imagine going back to work now expecially since #2 will be here in February. I guess I can see both sides, I wanted to go back to work because at the time I loved my job and it made me feel as if I was contributing more to our household by bringing in a paycheck, but I can also see how staying home and raising my children is just as beneficial to our family. I don't think there is anything wrong with women who choose to work even if fianacially they might not need to. I honestly beleive that not all women are "cut out" to be stay at home mom's. I know several who tried it and were very unhappy and went back to work and are happy with their decision and really their children are much happier as well. It's not an easy job and sometimes I think that my job outside the home was much less stressfull and eaiser at times but I wouldn't change anything now.

I know you said in your response that you are sorry to offend, but I think you should know, your "question" was offensive. You come off very judgemental, whether you meant to or not.

I am a working mother and the primary breadwinner. It's incredibly hard because I have to do TWO jobs: be a full-time mother and work a full-time job. I don't have "mom's night out" or "mom's morning out" or afternoons hanging out with other moms while the kids play (I know not every SAHM gets this, either, but I know a lot of moms who do). I work in the day and then devote myself to my child in the evenings and on the weekend. Not to mention the housework. When I take time off of work to go see my child's play or volunteer in her classroom, I make up that time by working in the evening after she goes to bed, no matter how tired I am. The time and effort I've put in has paid off. My daughter is doing very well and we are very close.

My dad always told me that part of parenting is putting food on the table and a shelter over your child's head. In some families, the father takes on that role entirely (my dad did), and in others, mom does it, or both parents do it together. Nothing is wrong with any of those scenarios!

There are times when I am envious of all of the time SAHMs get with their children and also that they can hang out with other moms, etc., without deadlines and the pressure to perform or lose your job. But I'm also comforted by the knowledge that if anything should happen to my husband, I can support my child financially. Given that my husband is currently unemployed, it's a great relief indeed.

Some of my envy comes from having a situation where staying at home with my daughter is fun for me and not that hard (did it during some periods of unemployment), but I know it's not that way for every SAHM situation. So I am not saying being a working mom is harder than being a SAHM or vice versa. Clearly, it depends on the person and the situation.

I don't judge whether moms work or not. Everyone should do what works for them. Why bother judging or making assumptions (like that moms are only working to have extra vacations or bigger houses. Yeah, right. That's the reality in this economy? Or that it's wrong for a woman to love her career or for a woman to love staying home.). We should support each other. We are all moms, just trying to do the best we can for our families.

Anyone who perceived O.'s question as judgment should know that there is judgment on all sides. When all I was was a stay-at-home mom (and believe me it took a while to feel valuable as a SAHM), if I met new people, and they asked me what I did, and I said I was a SAHM, their eyes would glaze over and they would go look for someone else to talk to.

Even though we all have our strong opinions (on both sides), regardless of what I, or you, or anyone thinks is correct, thank god that people do things differently, or the world would be a bunch of clones and we would all be bored to death.

Diversity is interesting!

thats a double edged sword there. its a personal choice, not all women are maternal. and not all kids want their mom. I was a stay at home mom from 1999-2004 then my husband lost his job and we were both looking for a job, I found one first. my baby was 2 years old. Would I have rather stayed home while they were toddlers? Me...YES. Hubbs and I both needed to work, no hot dog budget, it was no home or no food if only one of us worked, my cousin who has 2 great kids and is a great mom but has 0 maternal instincts NO she wants to work, that keeps her sain. does that make her less of a woman or a horrible mom NO she is great, just a diffrent type of mom than me, and all that said, I'm glad I went to work. I don't regret it one bit.

The reason you are getting snarky responses is because you asked your question in a snarky tone. You say you really want to hear from the other side but in your question you say "Is it because working moms way deep down feel like they should stay home? Do they realize how much they are missing or how much their children miss them when they are put in daycare?" Well gee, you think you know it already, so why did you bother asking? And then you said, " a lot of people say "we need the money.' Really? Cause so do we." Do you hear the snark in that sentence?

I have a ton of reasons why I work. And there is not one single part of me that thinks I should be spending more time at home with my daughter. And the money is only a very small part of it. I have made the decision that is the best for my family. And I am just thankful you are not one of my friends in real life, because I can not stand snarky, judgemental people that pretend they really want to know the answer.

You do what works for you, I do what works for me. I stay home and I feel passionately it is the right decision for MY family. I would never dream of judging the decision other families make. You are wise to keep your opinions to yourself. It is a sensitive subject (like almost all parenting decisions are) because a lot of people aren't able to see past their own noses and accept that different doesn't mean wronng.

You are really getting put through the ringer aren't you!?

Somewhere down the line it became more expensive to live and a living wage was not enough. Most times now it takes 2 incomes to make it work with kids or there is certain sacrifices that HAVE to be made. Im a SAHM and i make it work, my husband works wayyyyyy too much and some people would call it too much of a sacrifice. Some people think i should work and lighten his load, he doesnt. WE both think like you and want to wait until they go to school (all of them) before i work.

Sometimes i want to bail on this plan and work.

Sometimes i want to stay home forever and only be a wife and a mom and never work.

Each plan is o.k., its just a matter of what works for you and your family. If my budget was as tight as yours (you mentioned hot dogs) then i would have to work part time at least to afford better food. But im certainly not going to tell you what to do.

I enjoy working. I enjoy coming home to a house that is still clean from the day before and having just enough time to fix a quick dinner, clean a bit, then it's off to spend some time with the kiddos and help them off to bed. I look forward to the little bit of time I have in the evenings when I can be on the computer and have quiet to wind down.

I think I am a better mom figure when I am enjoying my days and having something for myself. I have been staying at home for a while, I do work 3 part time jobs that do not interfere with the kids. I iron for a couple of customers, I clean my FIL's house and he pays me by providing me with a gasoline credit card and a more than sufficient line of credit. I also work in the clothing store where my grandkids go to dance/gymnastics to help pay for their classes which otherwise I would not be able to afford.

My hubby is on SSDI and is home all day. We enjoy getting to do projects and things while the kids are in school.

It was not about me. It was about my family. You see, I was raised by a stay-at-home Mom, who did everything to make our home the best. But that meant my Dad (a terrific fellow) started with one job when they had one child, added a part-time job with the next child (me), and then another part-time job to support their last child. I always felt I had plenty of time with Dad, because he only had two jobs when I was young, but my young sibling didn't really see him at all. I followed in my father's profession (as did my husband) and I didn't want my children or my husband to miss out on each other. So both my husband and I worked one job each, quit every town committee and hobby when we had our children, and spent nearly every minute outside of work with them. I don't know that it was the perfect decision, but it was one we decided on to strengthen the whole family. And yes, I so wish I had more time with my children. Don't we all?

Because people just want to be needed and not everyone is capable of staying at home full-time with kids. This isn't worth pondering, really.

Well it's clearly a touchy topic because you've decided to judge people who work. Maybe you feel judged by those who who work. I've done both and currently work part time. I go crazy when I'm home with the "little people" but miss them like crazy when I'm not with them. I find working as a consultant and choosing my own part time projects helps me manage best. I can be there for the Halloween parade at school, but still use my education and talents beyond diaper changing. I'm fortunate though to have had the career that allows me to do this and a supportive husband. Nothing is easy once you have kids (as if it were easy before) and we all do what we can to be the best parents we can - which means taking care of our needs as well as our children's

I worked for a year after my oldest son was born. I was miserable. I have stayed home since and now have 2 children. My youngest is 4. For me it was no choice. I wanted to be at home with my son more than anything. We could afford it, not without some major budget cuts and giving up a few things we enjoyed. It's been 6 years and the best decision I ever made. Don't get me wrong, it is tough sometimes, but I've never regretted my decision. I have on occasion missed my former co workers, a paycheck, adult conversation, a relaxing lunch, uninterrupted bathroom breaks, etc. I have some very good friends who work for various reasons. Some need to work for medical insurance, some are single moms, and some just love what they do and don't want to give that up. Everyone is different and has the right to do what makes their family happy. Ignore the negetive comments. People who are confident in their decisions have no reason to be mean. I would caution about putting moms on 2 sides. There are no sides just different choices. We all want the same thing-happy children.

I think all the judgements and the feeling threatened by the other side needs to stop. We need to support each other. That's it. Period. You may never really know why a woman who doesn't really need the second income chooses to work, anyway. It is a very personal decision. Same with a mom who's gone through all this schooling for her career, but at the end of the day, chose to stay home with the kids(like me). Sometimes, besides the fact that I think it's good for my kids, I don't really know why I chose to let the career go. We all struggle with our decisions on a daily basis so it's tougher when we feel judged by other moms, too. I am SAHM but half of my friends bust their butts outside of the home then bust their butts once they get home. I see them struggling to juggle it all but they work because they need the income.

Hot topic!! This is 2011 and not 1950 a new work ethic abounds. I worked when my kids were younger for many reasons.

I like to be a person not just a mom who stays at home. I did stay home twice full time at different times in my kid's lives. There were odd jobs and volunteering that was done to keep busy and to be with adults.

I want to be prepared for the day that they do leave the nest and I have no one home only hubby who I don't know because we did not build a life together for us after the kids are gone.

I also wanted to show my kids that women can do different jobs and still be a mom. You lead by example and your children get a different point of view about the real world.

I want to be my own person and working allows me that privilege. I can buy the things I want without having to "take" from the family budget.

I now work because it is a stress release for me dealing with a husband who is ill.

Don't get me wrong, I loved being home with my children when they were younger. I loved being able to go on class trips to different countries and cities. I loved learning new things with my children and watching their faces as they made the discoveries (walking, talking, looking the big pale moon in the window, riding the first bike). They have grown and moved on with their lives.

There are just so many facets to a woman and all these facets need to be nurtured to complete the person.

So perhaps I didn't answer your question but there is no right or wrong way to answer it. Every woman must do what is best for her family. For the woman who has worked her butt off getting higher degrees and establishing a career I think it unfair to her to have to give it all up just to sit home. We (women) have to learn how to be more compartmentalized as men in order to make things work. When you are at work you are at work and when you are at home you are at home. You don't think about the other until it time to do it. A man doesn't worry about what's for dinner at 9 am he worries about it at 5 pm.

Each of us has a living standard and that will take x y z to do. Some of us want more and some of us want less. Some of us live debt free and some of us have debt above the eyeballs.

It is life and what you make of it. Never judge a person until you walk a mile or two in their shoes. You will find out a whole lot about what you don't know and why they are doing what they are. There is only one individual that can do any kind of judging. End of my soapbox.

The other S.

PS Can we just be people and be happy? That's all anyone asks.

It's likely a touchy subject because we as mother's feel guilt over every decision we make. I always second guess myself and I'm guessing a lot of other mother's do too.
I think also it's a bit of that grass is always greener on the other side. You think you want to work to be a contributing member of society and then you're just miserable missing your kids.

Now to answer your question. I work. I am a single Mom so I have no other option. I want nothing more than to be able to stay home with my children but their father chose to leave us so....I've had to do what I could to support my family.
Also, it's 2012 and we as women should not feel we are to stay at home and raise children. My children will be just fine with a babysitter.
Maybe instead of living on a "hot dog" budget, you should get out and find your lazy ass a JOB!!!

I worked 2 jobs while pregnant, was a sahm for a year (but I worked part time: half a day on Saturday, half a day on Sunday, at a retail store after our son was 3 months old). Why did I work part time? Because as much as I ADORED my son, had fun loving and doting on him, as much as I enjoyed creating a home for my little family, I felt like I needed some time doing some grown up things and talking to adults. I wanted to feel like I had my own bit of money (although 10% went to tithes, and EVERYTHING else went to savings AND paying off debt to get debt free, except around the holidays when I could feel good about buying my husband a gift without using "his" money to buy "his" gift). Within 2 years we went from $80 in savings to being debt free and about $20k in savings (between the 2 jobs I worked, 7 days a week, while pregant, his savings and overtime, and my saving, and what my husband's company matched, and once debt was paid off, paying our savings however much we were spending in payments). It HELPED me feel better about myself to set goals and take tangible steps towards attaining those goals for myself, for my family, for getting out of that apartment and into a nice house in an amazing neighborhood. Once in the house, I started providing in home childcare which went to our "fun stuff" (tons of FAMILY fun like zoo passes, museum passes, events, day trips, money towards vacations and gifts). Then we moved to a new state. Now I'm a sahm, have been for 12 months, ever since moving here. Things are fine, I love my boys, I love taking care of my family and my home. But I recently started working again, from home at night when everyone's asleep, and although I have lots of projects I'm involved in to stay busy, I like making my own money again. My husband gets VERY annoyed when I say "his" money, but the truth is, it's the holiday season and I don't want to use HIS paycheck to buy HIM a present. That's me. Also, I still like to know that I'm making a contribution (small as it may be) that will assist our family in family fun and making memories for all of us together, without making us do without. The fact is that if I wasn't working, we could have some fun. But the trips to see grandpa or grandma, to go to my grandfather's funeral suddenly, to take the opportunity to drive up a historic highway to see the leaves change and the adventures we have. But that's not all. I want the satisfaction that comes from doing things for myself. YES I'm satisfied with being a wife, mom, and homemaker. But I also want to pursue my individual gifts, talents, and dreams too. So I teach my boys (because I feel that I have a gift for teaching) and I use my organizational skills for homemaking and the schedules that run the household, but I also need to seek out opportunities to write, to use my photography, etc. Because it'd be a shame to not use them just because I'm a mom. And finally: although I LOVE my station as a busy mom and wife, I actually have tried to get hired at a few places and it just didn't work out. Some of the places just didn't call back (not even for an interview), and I got 2 interviews but the scheduling JUST simply wouldn't work out for us. My husband has taken to having to work a little later in the evenings, the weekends are our only chance of seeing each other but they don't have half days on weekends available where I could spend time with my husband AND work. So it's a scheduling conflict as to why I am not working now. (Because I DO NOT want to work full time---I have an almost 2 year old son and I want to be with him for these few short years before he goes to work for the majority of time. Not because I'm a better or more conscientious mom than someone who does work, but because I don't want to and my husband hasn't asked me to. He prefers me to help the household out with the other things I do during the day, every week. When they go to school, I will be working. What I'm doing now is taking 2 classes every semester in preparation for a better job when that time comes. But my mother was married 14 years before my dad ran away with a secretary. She was a sahm and the job she did before was obsolete by then. She is poor. She was not only dealing with grief but suddenly staring at the work force for the first time in 14 years realizing she has no skills for "nowadays". It was so much for her! I do not expect that my husband would ever do that. BUT anything could happen. What if he were ill and couldn't work? What if he (God forbid!) died prematurely? There are many "what ifs" and while I do not live in fear, I do think it's best to be preemptive about certain scenarios. Being out of the workforce with no employment for a few years hurts your chances (dramatically!) for getting hired. I want to know be "in the know" on technology, how things are in the workplace, or just up to date on the new systems people are using. You don't want to have some dusty musty old resume where people are like "Yeah.......been a few years......" and having to sweat that on top of everything else you sweat when looking for a job. I'm lucky that my desires (writing, photography, teaching) can be used here at home either with the boys or when they're asleep. But not all jobs are like that. And many people LIKE their jobs. One more thing: my husband loved me and was always kind to me, but when he had to start watching our son with me gone to work for just half days during the weekend, BELIEVE me it did wonders for his attitude (and our marriage). He respects what I do on a daily basis and is thankful for it, recognizing that I work hard to have things the way they are and to do so with great timing. So I suggest all sahms get a little part time job if just 1 day a week, just so hubby gets a turn playing with the baby: for him to bond and play daddy, for baby to bond with daddy, for mom to get out of the house and be someone other than JUST mom/wife a bit, and for there to be a mutual respect where I am thankful to him for working and then coming home tired, and where he is thankful to me for being an awesome mom and the job not really ending. You can live on a hot dog budget if you want to, and sacrifice the things that other people feel important, because that's how YOU think and what works for YOU. I don't really want my kids to live on a hot dog budget (because I did and didn't like it), and I REALLY REALLY want my kids to travel the world, see other places, and have better (or at least different) opportunities in their lives because it's how I think and what works for ME. But I'd like to think I'm a little bit of both worlds because I am home with the boys MOST of the time, but still keep my foot in the door and earn a little bit on my own. Not judging either way because I TOTALLY see both ways. It's just got to be what is best for your individual family and their individual and unique needs. We agree that not all people are alike. Then it'd stand to reason that not all families (made up of people) are alike, right?

I've done both. I had to work during part of my children's lives, and also stayed home, but even when I was a SAHM, I did things part time to bring in a few dollars and give me time with other people. I needed that. Some women feel great about doing housework, but all I could see at the end of the day was what I had not done. I've never lived my life through my children, either. I know for some it's an absolute necessity to put a roof over one's head and food in the tummies, so I never judge anyone. I also recognize that childrearing isn't a great joy for every woman. We are all so different. There are those who want to live on a higher standard than one income can provide. They will have to be the judge of whether or not it was worth it. I value the time I had with my children, and I think they are glad for those years I stayed home. I have one daughter who is now a CPA with her own company, and she is home every afternoon after she picks up her kids at school. She employs 3 other moms/accountants who are also home with their children. With planning, there is a way to have both worlds.

Comments like "Do they realize how much they are missing or how much their children miss them when they are put in daycare?" are as offensive to a working mom as asking a stay at home mom "do you work?"

This site is to support mothers, all mothers. I rarely hear working moms disparage stay at home moms, usually I hear the opposite when they acknowlege how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. Why is it ok for stay at home moms to disparage working moms? I hear that all the time; your kids miss you, you are missing them growing up, other people are raising them, you don't make enough sacrifices, etc etc etc.

I work. My kids are healthy, happy, and loved. I don't know if they would be different, better or worse, if I had been a stay at home mom because I wasn't and speculating about it is a waste of time. Whether I have to work or not isn't your business or anyone elses. I make sacrifices to work. They are different than the sacrifices you make to stay home. You don't like my sacrifices and they wouldn't work for your family, ditto for your sacrifices and my family! My kids see a successful, happy mom who balances working with family, I think it's a good example for them.

ETA: I read many responses after I posted and I just have to say WOW! I am so amazed at how supportive these mamas are of working moms! It’s nice to see, so thank you all! Oh, and I do have to second the several mamas who said the kids need you more after they start school. I am lucky enough to work from home and am off when the kids get out of school. I am so thankful I put in the office time when they were younger so that I could be here for them now!

I'll go out on a limb and maybe regret later but I don't think all moms are meant to be at home. I have tried to stay home with my kids and I don't have the patience and the focus to give my children what a daycare has or is giving them. My 2 1/2 yr old is learning the alphabet and can count to 10 and can recognize his name when it's written down. I was a stay-at-home mom for a while which was a huge change bc I have always worked and for a long time was a single mom and sole provider. After about 6 months I didn't see that I had helped my child accomplish anything on his education and learning. Yes he was still young but even now he's a little behind on his speech (not a whole lot but I hear other kids same age speaking more clear than he does) which may or may not have anything to do with it. If God meant for all mothers to stay home he would have made it possible. Even though we work doesn't mean that we miss everything. I still got to see both of my son's 1st step, heard their first word, I get to snuggle with them on the couch and watch cartoons, go to all of the sports practices/games and other events, have dinner with them every night, breakfast every morning and even quite a few lunches. Mother's provide for their children the best way they know how and if being financially comfortable so it helps open doors later then that's what we do. When I'm working I know that I am able to pay for a private school for my kids or the best daycare or for them to be able to play every sport or activity. It also puts me in a position to teach them about donating and giving to others who don't have what we have and to be greatful for everything that God has allowed us to have. I've also seen when kids go to school who have no social skills and have been home with parents that don't take the time to teach them the alphabet, etc and they are way behind the other students. I'm not saying you are one of those but there are some out there. Yeah sometimes I think about how I should keep our youngest home with me instead of daycare but I think I would do him an injustice. If you see any mother that works as a bad mother then maybe you are the one causing this topic to be offensive and absolutely should not attack your working mother friends because you might lose some of them as friends. If someone came up to me and asked out of curiousity I woudn't find it offensive but if they are coming at me as an attack I would absolutely get on the defense.

What happens if you husband looses his job?

What if a marriage becomes abusive? Who do you think has a better chance at survival? A SAHM or a working mom. I know several SAHMs who would love to leave their abusive husbands, but simply can't afford it.

In my opinion, working moms also have a bit more confidence - our conversations aren't just limited to our children and husbands. We have friends outside "mom groups".

There are several men I talk to on the train with SAHMs and I asked how they feel about it and if they had a choice, would they rather have their wives working outside the house. They all said sure, but then who would clean the house & cook. They do not see their wives as equals, not just the guys on the train, but I don't know one guy who is married with a SAHM who sees their wife as equal.

It's 2011... we aren't living in the 40s. Women can work and in most cases, bring in more money than their husbands. So, just because we choose to have kids, doesn't mean we are any less then they are.

One last question to ponder? What's going to happen when he retires? Will your husband a) still be around and b) will have enough money in his 401K account for the both of you to live comfortably?

I don't live for today, I tend to look towards the future. Would I want my daughter to be a SAHM when she marries and has a child? Nope. I want her to be independent.

There are way too many responses here, and I'll admit I haven't read any of them, but I'll give you my 2 cents: I'm a stay at home mom. I stopped working when my oldest son (who's now 7) was about 5 months old. It honestly never crossed my mind to be a stay at home mom until he was about 8 weeks old and I thought about having to put him in daycare. But I took great pride in my career, my entire social circle was comprised of co-workers, and we had just purchased a house based on two incomes. I had been back at work for 2 weeks when I talked to an old supervisor who was looking for someone to work from home part time. I was blessed to stumble into this job, and I've had it ever since. We now have 3 kids, and if I didn't work part time from home, there's no way we could afford our bills and mortgage. I would rather go back to work full time than move into a smaller, older house or deny my kids the activities and vacations we're all used to. Beyond that, though, I don't understand why the idea of a woman choosing to work is so odd. No one bats an eye if a man says he'd rather work than stay home with kids - and no one thinks less of him. I know lots of very good mothers who choose to work because their jobs are fulfilling and rewarding and they worked very hard (pre-children) to get to where they are. Good for them, I say.

I think the choice depends on the personality of the mom. Some moms need to work for financial reasons or for reasons that they would not enjoy spending all day, 7 days a week with their kids. That is not something to judge them for, it's something to be proud of them for because they realize they are better moms by working. And daycare is not the evil thing you are making it out to be. It beats having a kid sit in front of a TV all day because mommy is depressed and can't get out of bed...

I am a stay at home mom. Would I trade it? No, but once my 4 year old starts school next year, I will be looking for something part time to get back into the workforce. I need something to do for ME the hours that my kids are in school, and the extra money will be nice for a change.

Stay at home moms, often have tremendous feelings of isolation and guilt. Spending hours upon end around children with no adult interaction is really hard, and it's not always easy with a baby/child on a schedule to get out. The guilt is for not contributing more financially to the family. It kills me that I'm wearing the same clothes as I did 8 years ago when my daughter was born, but I don't need fancy clothes to do my "job". My spare money goes to providing for their needs and wants, not mine. This is not so easy for every woman out there, and if a woman stayed home without their heart being into it, what kind of mom would that make her?

I think the world is a better place because we all have a CHOICE in what works for us and our families. How would you feel if you were forced to work because that is what was expected and not what you wanted? Would that make you a great mother?

Respect people's choice in how they are raising their families. You only walk in your shoes, not others.

I'm with you, Oak M. B (and find it funny that we almost have the same name on here... LOL). Now, I have heard people outright say "staying at home is not for me, I couldn't stand being at home with the kids." For a reason, they mention either how it would get them too frazzled or they mention they would be bored. In my mind, if I felt that way, I wouldn't have kids! Having kids isn't for me if I can't stay at home with them. That's what I think, I don't bash the working moms I know, either... it just doesn't make sense to me... Also, housework and staying at home IS challenging one way or another, but it isn't an excuse. Me? I personally like challenges! At one point, I had four kids at home with me. Challenging? Yes. Fun? Yes. My duty as mom? Absolutely.

BTW, Our budget is TIGHT as well! Money isn't it, and if it ever is, my husband takes on a bigger work load or I sell paintings from home.

I work. I work, because there's no one else to do it. I'm not a single mother, but my spouse wants to follow his dream right now, rather than provide financially for his family. So to have *any* budget (hot dog or otherwise), someone has to work and that someone is me.

I've made tremendous sacrifices so that I can only work 2 days a week, and be home the rest of the time. My spouse babysits while I'm working.

I hate going to work, but once I'm there, I love it. I worked hard for my career. I'm well respected there. I'm good at my job. Working fulfills our financial needs, but also goes a long way towards helping me feel independent and fulfilled as an individual.

Of the answers I have read I like Ephie D's best!

To sum up my thoughts..."There is more than one way to skin a cat!!"

I stay at home, too. And I think you really want to know (not just trying to start something). But, frankly, even I thought your post sounded a little judgmental. I am not saying that you aren't entitled to an opinion one way or the other... of course you are. Only saying that there isn't one correct answer. Every situation for every family is different. Even if all the exterior things are equivalent, the PEOPLE involved are not the same individuals. There may be what one person considers "better" and "worse", but there probably isn't any real right or wrong answer to this question.

Do I personally believe that staying home is best? MOST of the time. But not always and not for everyone. I had a very difficult time the first few years, because I have NEVER stayed home. I worked at a job outside my home from the time I was 15, and never was without one. Until the month before my first child was born. It was a TOUGH TOUGH transition.
NOW, I wonder what I will go through in a few more years, when my eldest is driving and they no longer require someone to ferry them around to all their activities.... Will I then want to go back to work after so many years out of the 'scene'? Will we need for me to? Will I have an adequate skills set? Will I need to go back to school first? How much $ should I invest in that schooling? and on and on and on.....
There just isn't a single answer for anyone. There are simply the choices different people make at different times.

I totally get where you are coming from. I was a single Mom so I had to work but I missed a lot. So many families want so much stuff the great vacations, boats, RVs, ATVs, nice cars, brand new homes ect and today it takes two good incomes to afford all of that. And there is nothing wrong with that. But if you are willing to settle for less and take care of your children go for it. If you take into account the cost of daycare for 2 kids can be over $500 a week you have to earn enough to justify the cost of daycare, car expenses, work clothes ect.
A woman who stays home and cares for her family is contributing to her family and to replace her is an astounding figure. To get someone in to clean and cook and do laundry and childcare would cost a widowed husband thousands of dollars a year. So you are contributing.

I'm a SAHM, I love being home with my kids - it truly makes me happy, we live very comfortably, drive nice vehicles....why do so many people assume SAHM's are poor, frumpy, unhappy woman????? It seems some of the working moms that responded feel like SAHM's are depressed, unhappy, untalented, uninteresting people. That makes me sad......I am happy, I am a great mom, I don't sit my kids in front of the TV all day, I have talents and hobbies that I engage outside of the home, I have working friends, and I'm pretty darn interesting. I wish I would have never read this post...................

I worked except for a short period of a few years from when the kids were 5 and 1 til three years later (but there was still daycare involved when I had cancer). My kids didn't miss anything! My older kid would have hated being at home with me. She thrived on activity and the company of other children. At home on weekends, she was bored. She loved her daycare provider's home with two other children her age. The little one had a little boy his age at daycare too and the bigger kids doted on them. My kids didn't cry or miss me, they had fun. My income was certainly necessary. We don't take vacations and eat takeout, never did. I provided our food, our medical insurance, medical expenses, clothing for the children and myself, and other necessities. I also never had a desire to be at home fulltime. Some of us enjoy the company of other adults, making use of our education, using skills that we have and our achievements in our jobs. Being a mom does not necessarily change your enjoyment of your work. My children are a big deal to me, but they are not the only priority in my life. I enjoy setting the example of a woman working to both my son and daughter, I wish to be a financial partner in my marriage and women should always have the ability to provide for themselves. You never know what will happen. My mother was widowed at 36 with four children. Other unexpected scenarios come up too. I have my own retirement accounts and pension, I am not depending upon someone else for my retirement. I think that each family should decide on the best scenario for their preferences and financial needs. I never felt embarrassed or guilty for having and actually enjoying time away from my kids.
Some women feel that they must stay at home to feel like a wife and mother. Cooking and cleaning and diapering were not what defined me as a wife and mother. I was still a wife and mother while I was at work, just as men are still husbands and fathers when they are at work. Why is it fine for them to go to work all day, then come home and have people praise them to death for changing a diaper or taking a kid to the park because they are "helping"? How come when I went out to work to buy our food, medical insurance, medical expenses not covered by insurance, I was not praised for "helping" but instead, asked why I did not stay home? Not that I wanted anyone to consider my working as "helping out" because I did not view it as my husband's responsibility to support all of us on his own.
Some responses mentioned that single moms don't have a choice but that married moms do. Um, no. Just because someone else brings home a paycheck does not mean that ours is unnecessary. Not all families are made up of a well paid husband and a wife in a low paying job. I know many families where both parents make similar salaries. In my area, you can't survive as a family on $50,000 a year, so moms making that amount go to work. There are women who make $50K or $80K or more, and their families depend on this money. It's not all European vacations and gym memberships - some people cannot own even a small home on the husband's salary, and do not want to live in a trailer park or a rented apartment. Without my income, my kids wouldn't have braces, my daughter would not be taking drivers ed or an ACT prep course or SAT II exams. Some people might view these things as extras, but I do not.

I haven't had a chance yet to read all your responses, but I'll add mine.
I work 1/2 time in order to afford daycare. Honestly, all my money goes to my 2 kids daycare and I choose to work and send them to school. Also, I'm able to add to my retirement and get health care.
My oldest's preschool is awesome, they do things everyday that I couldn't duplicate at home. My youngest loves his daycare too. On Saturdays he'll say, "school day?" longingly. I'm not disappointed he wouldn't rather be home with me, I'm just glad he loves his friends and teachers so much.
And I love being productive out of the house. And then I appreciate my time at home with my kids more. I feel like we all get the perfect balance.

I can only speak for myself of course... I am a stay-at-home mom and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I think my children have benefited greatly from me staying home. When they were tiny I would play with them and taught them so much more than they would have learned in day-care, etc. They are now 14 and 17, are straight-A students, have impeccable manners and are all-around great kids! Sure we had to cut corners once in awhile but my kids have learned they have to work for things in life and they've never suffered because they didn't have the latest electronic gadget, etc. My son is working at a part-time job now and saving to buy a car.

I'm sorry to say, but we are surrounded by a lot of kids that are little spoiled monsters. They have two working parents, have everything handed to them and constantly expect more, more, more! They have no concept of working for what they have, have trouble showing affection and are basically spoiled little brats. I feel sorry for these kids. I'm not saying every kid with two working parents is like this but it seems most of them are.

I am proud that I was a stay-at-home mom and I think the ones that looked down on me were just jealous!

Good question!!

This topic is like bringing up religion and politics at a party. Somebody is always going to get offended. I'm sorry you got attacked, I really think you were just being curious and it came off the wrong way. I'm a SAHM and it's my choice. I was raised as a latch key kid, both parents worked full time jobs, so by the age of ten I was pretty well self reliant but that is also my personality. I worked since the age of 15, by the time I was 20 I had my own buisness as a contracted decorative painter. I never went to college but I hope my daughters would choose to. I admire all mom's for being the mom's that they all choose or need to be for they're families. I can teach my daughters to be independent, self-sufficient and successful. If they want to be SAHM I will support them, if they want to be working mom's I will support them. No one way is right or wrong just different.

I work full time because I have to. I would love to stay home with my kids but I can't. When my son was young, so was I. I wanted to be with him as much as I could (and I was) but if I had been able to stay home, I would have gone stir crazy to some degree. With my daughter, I am older now and really do appreciate the time I am with her but I have to work. If I could stay home, I would but would probably want to work at least part time....for adult interaction and sanity.

I didn't read any of your responses, but knew this to be a hot topic from both sides. From my perspective, moms chose to work because it is what's best for them and their family. No judgement here because I have seen both sides of this. Not all moms are cut out to be stay at home moms. I think being a stay at home mom is the toughest job out there.

I had a family in my daycare where the mom worked part-time and what she made really only covered her childcare expenses. She did this for two reasons... one was that she truly needed to work and actually was a better mom because she got a break and maintained her job that was an important part of her. Working part-time also enabled her to keep her foot in the door to keep her job and go back to work full-time once her kids started school. In this economy and it some job fields you can't just leave to care for kids for a few years and then jump right back in.

Personally, I work from home running a daycare. It enables me to take my kids to and from school and spend more time with them when they are home, while making a financial contribution to the household. And I love being able to provide good childcare to families who either don't have the option to stay home with their kids or don't choose to. I did work outside the home and had both of my kids in daycare for a period of time. I always wanted to have more time with them, but couldn't figure out how to do it. I got lucky with the daycare...

I don't think you're being rude to ask this... it's how we get understanding and perspective from other people. But it's clear that you feel the sacrifices that you make to stay home are what's best for your family. I think it's the way others feel too... I'm sorry that you got raked over the coals on this one. It's a touchy subject.

No, there aren't "two sides" to moms. We're ALL moms, period. Whether we work is not what causes a rift among mothers, it's divisive comments like that one.

I stayed home to be the one to teach my children our values, be the one to be there when they were sad or happy and see them learn to walk, talk, etc. I wanted to be there for all of it. That was our choice. I also wanted to be there later when they came home from school to talk about the day they had, etc. I feel it's important to be that person. Those that don't feel that way have the same choice. It's what you want and your choice so I don't see why this is offensive at all to ask this question. We all are free to choose. Some people with single parent homes have no choice but the rest of us do pretty much so to me it's like whether you want a big house or small house, or a lot of children or one child, or a car or truck. It's a choice we make. My husband's mother wanted to work, mine was home.

It's people like you saying these things that make this such an offisive topic. Some or most people I know do NOT have a choice about whether they stay home or not. I absolutely hate leaving my daughter everyday but my husband has been out of work for 3 YEARS I am the sole bread winner in my household. How DARE you judge someone else on their parenting and their life!!!!!!

I have always asked myself the same question; we budget so I can stay home. I tried daycare for my youngest for 4 months while I was job searching and I had to pull her out. No way I was going to leave my baby 8-5 everyday.
It just doesn't feel natural to me, just leaving them everyday, but that's just me.
My best friend works because her husband is an abuser and she wants out of that relationship. She has a great job in fact I told her NOT to quit when her abusive husband told her to quit so she could get pregnant again.

I have another friend that just cannot stand being with her child all day, she doesn't work and he goes to daycare 8-5 Mon-Fri, what she does with her time God knows but she is not in school either. That I cannot comprehend...

I think when the children are little there is nothing wrong with working part time. It gets Mom out of the house to have an adult question. Mom actually feels like a functioning human instead of just an extension of her children.

Oh wow....I didn't even read any of the responses yet, but I can just bet they are quite passionate, with this being such a hot-button issue. I have been on both sides of the fence: I stayed at home up until my husband got laid off. Then, after we re-located and he still was unable to find work (thanks to the crappy economy), I went back to work after my second son turned 3 months old. It was a matter of sink or swim for my family. As for what motivates moms to work who really don't need to or can "afford" to stay at home, it really depends on the husband's mind-set when it comes to finance. A lot of men will talk a good game when the subject of their wife staying at home comes up. Then, they change their whole personality and start being stingy with the money after the wife has given up her job and is now pretty much totally dependent on him for financial support. I've seen it happen a million times... and my husband is not exempt. We had many a discussion about the roles of women and men with regard to finances and who is supposed to be doing what in a marriage. A lot of a person's mindset comes from how things were when they were children. Without intending to do so, we model a lot of what are parents did, whether it's good or bad. What it really boils down to is a mutual RESPECT for the other person and having a marriage that is a partnership and not a dictatorship. I could say much more on the subject, but I think I've made a point somewhere in this long commentary.