Give a Workin' Momma Some Peace! Do You Think Working Moms Are Selfish?

A happy mom is a good mom. If working makes you happy you're a better mom when you're working. If being home makes you happy you're a better mom when you're not working. Each choice is different for each individual.

I feel quite the opposite, my wife is very generous to be working. She is working for us to have the life we have, the lifestyle we live....
And for the record, I thank her quite often.

NO, I do not think that working Moms are selfish. I work hard and I make a damn good salary. If I were to quit my job, we could not live off of what my husband makes in the area that we live. I am still there and present in my children's lives. I consider myself as having TWO full time jobs. I am teaching my children that a woman CAN find a life balance and be independent.

Your home.

Your family.

Your kids.

Your business.

What works for one doesn't always work for another. Instead of beating each other up for the difficult choices we make in life, why can't we respect them? (Not saying you're beating anyone up; just saying in general women get so catty and mean about this)

I'm a happier mother because I work. I am able to balance career, kids, family, and personal interests. I'd be an unhappy mother if I was a SAHM. I could just as easily reverse all the words and say "I'm a happier mother because I don't work (outside the home). I am able to balance home, kids, family, and personal interests. I'd be an unhappy mother if I worked outside of the house."

I work outside of the home and don't feel selfish. If others want to think I'm selfish, then that's their prerogative. In the meantime, while they're tearing me down I'm enjoying life :)

I have been getting the same vibe from multiple people lately and it is making me so irate I could scream. Like I'm making some kind of luxurious choice to work. REALLY? I don't wake up at 5 a.m., commute 25 miles to the city, sit behind a desk and deal with incredible amounts of politics and stupidity for 9 hours, drive 25 more miles home in rush hour traffic, throw together something that barely passes for dinner in 15 minutes, spend my (very late) nights doing laundry and cleaning and food shopping and making lunches and helping my husband run his business til the wee hours BECAUSE I WANT TO. I don't want to. I don't want to at all. It kills me every single day. I want to wake up snuggling my son and have the time to make everyone healthy food and creative bento box lunches and ride bikes and maybe be the one to teach my son how to write his name and be there for his milestones etc. But due to the fact that we need money and health insurance to LIVE, there is really no choice to be made. I guess I could choose to divorce my husband and marry someone with an established career. Or I could make my family move into a house that's not big enough to hold us all, in a school district that isn't very good, in a dangerous part of town. So I guess I do have a choice. But am I choosing the selfish option? I really don't think so.

ETA: Wow, Gamma G! "Working moms get to come home to a clean house, well, the house they left that morning. They get to spend quality time with their kids after dinner." -- These two things are mutually exclusive. If I clean after dinner, I don't get time with my kids, and vice versa. "They can hire someone to clean twice a week if they want." -- REALLY? I work, DH has his own business, and I can assure you we do NOT have enough money to hire someone to come in and clean twice a week. Just because I'm working doesn't mean I'm making a ton of money.

I will play the devil's advocate....don't yell at me...

I think women who stay at home and don't work to earn money are the selfish ones. Why should their children have to eat cheap food, go without sports, activities, going on vacations, exploring their world, just because some woman won't go earn any income.

I think that SAHM's sometimes fall back on the "I didn't have children for someone else to raise"...so?

What if your hubby died today. You suddenly have zero income. You have to go to work. You have no resources and won't be able to live in your home, you'll have to sell it or let it go back to the bank. You won't ever be able to make the money he makes if he has a good job. You will be dependent on someone else the rest of your life until you get an education and go to work to get some experience on your resume'

What if he walked out and took everything with him. Happened to my BFF this past year. She is left with a house that is his grandmothers original house from the 1920's on 5 acres he hadn't mowed in 4 years. He has stopped making payments on it, won't pay the utilities, got custody of the kids because she could not support them financially, since she has not worked she does not get any spousal support, etc....being a stay at home mom did not help her at all. Her kids are gone and she won't be getting them back due to her not working outside the home.

Working moms get to come home to a clean house, well, the house they left that morning. They get to spend quality time with their kids after dinner. They spent all day with their friends and they want mom and dad now. They get to cook dinner and enjoy the down time. They have money to hire someone to come help on the big jobs, they can hire someone to clean twice a week if they want.

They get to have recognition for their contribution to their field, they get to have adult conversations, interact with people who show them respect, get acknowledged for succeeding at what they are doing.

I hate being home all day and constantly having to trail people and clean. I hate doing without food and never getting to go someplace. I hate riding in a car that wobbles and needs work done on it that we can't afford. I wish I could work, truly I would toss these kids in summer programs that did stuff every day like go fishing, swimming, playing sports, watching movies with friends, etc....I would take them to the nearest child care place with programs for big kids in a flash.

N.,
You're really tackling ALL of the biggies today, aren't you? LOL

I'm sure some working moms are very selfish.
I'm equally as sure that some SAHMs are very selfish.

NEVER compare YOUR life to anyone else's life.
If you are doing what YOU determine to be best for YOUR family, then how can that be wrong? :) Give yourself a hug.

Oh--As for the "sacrifice" and anyone CAN stay home--yes it's true, but we ALL have our separate standards for what is "too much" sacrifice. Is no cable too much sacrifice? Is a 5 year old car or O. car too much sacrifice? Again--all people are different.
But working moms lamenting that they want to stay home? Sure--probably ANYONE 'could' IF they were willing to cut lifestyle.
Just like any SAHM wanting to work 'could' -- she would have to get the lifestyle changes nailed down.
No easy answers.
Only personalized solutions!

I think a lot of people forget that some of us truly have no choice.

Right now, I am the only adult in my home with a FT job. Due to some life changes for a family member, that's me out of *three* adults...and 3 young children. If financially supporting 6 people makes me "selfish", then....okay.

I come from a working-class (*not* middle-class) background. My parents mothers *and* fathers worked, because that's what you do when that's what it takes to survive. And that was in the 40s and 50s, so the needs they were taking care of = food, clothes, shelter, school books.

Some folks just forget that what's normal for them isn't what's normal for everyone. It's unfortunate, because I think we'd all be kinder if we could realize that not every does have - or CAN have - the same circumstances. Most of us are doing the best we can.

ETA: It's interesting to me that so many assume that working (for pay) Moms come home to a clean home. I'm not there, but that does not mean no one else is. And it doesn't mean that the adult who is there can or will keep house.

Whoa, Gamma G--you are WAY OFF BASE! I am a SAHM and we are far from poor! We have always lived off my husband's income (currently 6 figures), so we wouldn't become reliant on two incomes. Once I got pregnant, I chose to put my career on hold. We have always lived well within our means. We have 5 bachelor's/master's degrees between us and did not take out ONE PENNY in loans. We own our home, our cars, vacation several times a year, have investments and college funds for all three children, and send our children to private school.

Oh, and if my husband died tomorrow, he has life insurance and we would receive benefits from the US Gov't (hubby is Active Duty Army).

N., to answer your question: People only work for two reasons: they want to or they have to. I do not have to work at this time, but I do not judge others that want to or have to. You can work full-time and still be an incredible parent! You can still have a lot of quality time with your family on the weekends and at night. I think it is beneficial for the child if the mom is happy:)

This stay at home mama is sending you a hug! I don't think you are selfish!

There are people here on this site who believe exactly like your "friend". It's too bad that Moms are always taking heat for decisions that they make for the good of their families, whether they be SAHM's or workforce mamas.

I am going to respectfully disagree with your statement, "I would venture to say that being a working Mom is only SLIGHTLY easier than being a SAHM......." Don't sell yourself short! :) I don't think there is any "easier" to be determined! You work hard and that is that. You love your kids and that's not up for anyone to determine based on your employment status.

Don't let people's negative comments drag you down or steal your peace, but let them build your confidence and character! And keep up the good work! :)

Well, THIS SAHM thinks that mom's work hard, period, whether you work outside the home or not. I was a working mom for three years before I had to quit my job because I had a medically fragile infant who was not allowed to attend daycare. Let me tell you, staying at home with the kids is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. I am exhausted every single day, I feel like I am constantly working, just to have it undone by my little ones, and I cannot for the life of me seem to quit saying "I have to go potty" or "I'm ready for night night" when I actually get to go out with adults!
I do, however, LOVE my job. I love being with my kids, I love teaching them things and watching them discover new things. I love the smiles on their faces when I get them up from nap time, and I love not having to decide which one of them is going to call of work when one of them is sick. For us, this is the right decision.
And Gamma T...Yes, it's hard sometimes. Yes, we cut our income in half when I quit my job. Yes, we have less money so we have to decide whether we want our toddler to do dance OR gymnastics and not both. But I am OK with that. And so are my kids. I don't judge any one else's situation. I don't complain that other mother's are being selfish because they work when they could be staying home, or because they have no money because they won't get jobs. You know why? Because it doesn't affect me. If they are happy, who cares? Play devil's advocate all you want, but some things are just mean.

I am the breadwinner in my home. I love my job and have worked hard to become the breadwinner. I am proud that I put the food on the table for my family.
However, I will tell you that even if I had the option, I wouldn't be a SAHM. It's just not for me and I almost went completely insane during maternity leave. So, I have a special respect for SAHMs.
I do have lots of retired family that love helping with childcare for my youngest. I think she really benefits by having such wonderful relationships with her grandmothers. And the grandmothers treasure it, as well. It's a win/win. I realize I am a very, very lucky woman. :)

After my parents divorced when I was a child, I lived with my mother. She was a stay at home mom with no skills, no education and no way to make more than minimum wage working brutal hours. Life in her house was rough. We ate rancid food and did without basics because there just wasn't enough money to go around. Add to that alcoholism and some other issues and it was a laugh a minute. I decided early on I was going to get a real degree to get a real job to make stable money and to support my family alone if necessary. I also was going to be a mother but my child(ren) would not be subjected to what I experienced. There is doing without and then there's doing without. At some point less (which varies for everyone) creates more stress. In general I agree with the others. We each do the best we can and while it is not always graceful, it certainly doesn’t need someone’s judgment passed on it. I’ve come to realize some people like the view from their high horses so bully for them.

It's not a matter of selfish/not selfish. A good mother does for her family what is needed most. Your family needs you to work. The choice for you to stay at home would drastically change your family's lifestyle (for the worse, IMO). It would NOT be in the best interest of everyone involved. You're doing EXACTLY what YOUR family needs. That makes you a great mom.

Hell no I do not think "Working Moms" are selfish. I think they are trying to support their families as best as they can..
This is like saying Working Dads are selfish because they do not stay home..

Give me a break,

Working moms work, then come home and do the work a stay at home mom does all week.. So they are doing 2x the work..

There is no them or us.. We all have our own families and all have to make own choices.. No one else knows what we need to do.

No one can take that away from each of us..

One of my best friends is an important Attorney for the State of Texas.. She has for all of these years, had this working mom guilt. She used to project that the stay at home moms were all talking about her and what a terrible mom she was because she worked so much..

I told her it was the opposite. We were in AWE of her. Her children were loved, super intelligent, high achievers on the field as well as their educations.. When you would see this family together at events and at home they were so close and cared so much for each other.. it is wonderful..

Her girls are very independent young ladies now.. Her youngest is graduating from HS this week.. She was President of her class, just like her older sister, She was the Drum major, Just like her sister.. and yea! she will be attending college here is Austin, just like her sister..

The good news is they are in a good financial situation.. The Dad has always worked full time in a prestigious, yet lower paid career, but they have been able to save money.

The girls have worked summer jobs since they were old enough.. They know they do not need a man or their parents to support them in the future..

What a perfect example..

My mom was divorced. She worked full time.. in a time when women were not given the same salaries as men (not much has changed).. she was active in social issues in the community, active in our church and took darn good care of us.. She is my hero..

If you had seen her while she was married to my father.. she was a meek and quiet woman, just trying to get through the day.. I never felt as though we were missing anything from her. We were and still are very proud of her accomplishments. Never once did I wish she was any other way..

DO NOT EVER allow others to make you doubt yourself. This is YOUR life.
YOU do what you have to do and what you want to do, by following your OWN heart and Brain. Real friends will support you.. Not make you feel bad about who you are and what you do..

Wow, I've been a mom for 24 years and feel like I never did anything for me, just for myself, ever. So if I was called selfish for working or for staying at home (I've done both) I guess I'd have to laugh. My resolution this year was to do things for ME and to be selfish!! To me working means health insurance, and a nice house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. If I give that up to stay home (and move to a different house and move my kid to a different school) would that be unselfish???

I work. I'm the only breadwinner. I wish my husband would earn some money too. I'm tired of sailing close to the wind with money.

Work ethic is important to me. Obviously my husband is not setting a great example for my children, so I must.

And why is it no one ever posts that working dads are selfish?

Another thing... in certain areas... parents don't stay home because they CAN, but because the cannot afford to work. AKA daycare would cost more than they would make at their job, but their spouse makes too much for any support/subsidies. In my area, the vast majority of parents I know who stay at home stay at home because they cannot afford to work. As a matter of fact, I posted on that once, a while back... curious for a totally biased idea of what the rest of the country looks like. ((Daycare in ours costs $1600-2500 PER CHILD on average.))

Sure. Some working moms are selfish. Sure. Some stay at home moms are selfish. Sure some _______fill in ethnicity here________ are ________fill in racial slur here________.

No, I don't. Both are valid decisions and choices. Some women find great fulfillment in being SAHM, other women find it to be a bit stiffling, and sometimes a SAHDad is a better option. I always thought my ideal would be to be a SAHM, but my reality is that I would have to replace work with college courses or part-time jobs, etc...I NEED that outside interaction; it makes me a better mom to my daughter. I don't have a lot of choice, as a single parent, I pretty much have to be a working mom. So, I am a working mom, and I do not feel that it is selfish.

That said, I do think it's selfish to prioritize a job higher than your children's needs or well-being. I made the decisiom to take a lateral move to minimize out of town travel when I adopted my daughter. I also decided not to relocate right now. All of that makes me less visible to higher-ups and less promotable. I work, I do a good job, and I go home to be a good mom to my daughter. I think it's hard to combine actively climbimg the corporate ladder with mothering young kids without making some selfish choices. When I hear of women working from their hosiptal bedd after delivery, it makes me want to scream "what the h*ll is wrong with you?!?". In my opinion, constant traveling and/or constant 12-14hr days (where a child is with a childcare provider - not a co-parent - during that time) is out of whack. When my daughter is sick, I stay home with her. When she has a doctor appt, I'm the one to take her. I need my job to live: I don't live for my job. My daughter is my priority.

If in your heart, you feel stiffled at home, don't feel guilty working outside the home.

People like your friend on Facebook need a good kick in the nads. Seriously, I've done both. I am currently a SAHM, because we can afford it. Before we were barely feeding ourselves and keeping a roof over our heads, so I was working full time.

I didn't choose to stay at home, because I thought of myself as being selfish for working. I am staying at home because, damn it, after chasing my husbands dream for so many years, I finally have an opportunity to chase mine, and I am gonna! I've always wanted to be a novelist and I am giving myself two more years to make that happen. If I can't then I will move on to other things. So technically, I stay at home and am much more selfish than you! LOL

I think most families require two incomes these days to make it, so it's usually not true that they can survive on one income.

Tell your FB male friend that the bigger cause of the breakdown of American families is fathers who don't stick around to parent their children, or who parent them minimally even when present in the home. I think the most recent stat. I heard was that approx. 50% of kids are being raised in single-parent (usually female) homes. If it's not 50% it's close to that. Let him argue with that statistic.

Is sarcasm okay? I'll give you the sarcastic take on this:

Oh Yeah, You are SO selfish. Working to put food on the table, a roof over your head and send your children to college. You go to work (all Moms work by the way) but anyway, you go to work, have to be there at a specific time (probably pressure to stay overtime), do your job and in this day and age probably the work of two or three people since the company downsized. Once done you go home to take care of your family, doing a majority of the household chores (according to studies, hopefully your hubby is more progressive than most). Yep, sounds just SO selfish to me. OH, and if your workplace is like the one I worked at, those with families were thought of as not pulling their weight at work because THEY went home at some point to their families. Didn't matter that it was well after a 10-12 hour day or while their wife was in labor.

Seriously, it must be human nature to look at someone doing something different than you are and criticize. Aren't we humans an insecure bunch? There are pros and cons to each and evey one of our choices and lives. I hope for each and every one of you ladies and families that there is much more good than bad in your lives. We all do the best we can and make decisions based on our circumstances. Too bad there isn't more support and less stereotypes.

Back to the sarcasm----------SO if you are selfish, than those parents that stay home are lazy. No matter that along with the household those SAHP are also volunteering in school, taking care of elderly family members, helping out with a family business, starting their own business or dealing with whatever life has thrown at them I haven't mentioned......

So the Parents that work parttime, WELL, I won't even go there..........

No one's getting off easy today! ;-).

NO, I don’t think working moms are selfish; some like to work an set an example for their kids, some do it to take a break from the kids (mental sanity) and some just have to work because it’s their only option and have kids to support.
Now, particularly for the guy that said that the decline of the American society has happened because of working moms, you can tell them than a lot more women would probably stay home (by choice) if some of the men actually were willing and able to provide for their children as they should and be more involved in raising their children day to day.

I have done both and do not think that either is selfish. Currently I am a Work at Home Mom. I don't know how moms who work outside the home do it. I have a hard enough time keeping on top of the kids and the house and I am here all day. So my hats off to you! You guys are awesome.

I think you do what you gotta do for the situation you are in. With my first I desperately wanted to stay at home with him but couldn't b/c we needed the income. With my second, I had to quit my job b/c my daycare lady had to quit due to health problems. I was lucky enough to find a job that allowed me to be at home and still have some spending money.

So no, I don't think working moms are selfish. They are providing a great life for their families. We are all doing the best that we can!

I think people spend too much time judging others and not enough time examining their own actions.

I'm a working mother, and no, I'm not selfish. I work to feed my child and put a roof over her head. That is part of being a parent. In my case, I would have liked to have been SAH or even part-time SAH, but I couldn't, so instead I went freelance (which fortunately my career allows) to make my hours more flexible and eliminate my commute. All any mother can do is what works best for her own family within her own circumstances.

Are you kidding?
I'd give up anything (well, not ANY anything...but would give up a lot) to be able to work also... :))
I am a relatively new SAHM, and I am praying and waiting for the day when I can start working too....maybe not a full-blown career like hubby, but at least part-time! :) And if anyone tells me I wouldn't be able to care for DD the same way then as I do now, I wouldn't care two bits. All moms know and realise what their kids need, and every mom strives to provide them to the kids to the best of her capability. There isn't just one way to do it.

So go you....and don't care about what anyone else says! :)

Sure, I could have probably stayed at home with my younger daughter - if I wanted to tell my older daughter that we couldn't finish paying for her college education. (she just graduated - go her!)

Her 'stay at home mom' (who hasn't had a kid in her care in over 10 years) didn't help at all with school - nor did she have either kid with her once they got old enough to pick up and come live at our house - with the evil selfish working step mom.

And my mom was a stay at home when I was young - boy it was great when she finally got a job and was happy again!

Some people thrive as SAHM, some don't. Some people can afford it, some can't. Nobody else's business.

Doing what works for your family is what is important. The debate is stupid and devisive, and I'm sorry people end up pressured to feel that they need to stay home or be called selfish, or other names.

I think you've laid out your case very intelligently. You have figured out what works for your family and made your choices accordingly.

Like you, I have also done both. The life we lead with me as a working mom is far better than before. I have no intentions of going back. I am actually a better mom because I feel stronger and have more confidence in myself now that I help provide for our family financially.

My advantage is that as a teacher, I have my summertimes with my kids. School years are challenging to find the balance of work and family, but my kids see the difference too. They understand.

Continue to do what works for your family and if someone wants to make you feel inferior about it, well, that's just THEIR problem.

Good luck and I hope you get the responses that help you!

I'm a SAHM. But I also work part-time.
My Husband works full time.

I really don't care, what others see me as.
I have friends who work and others who are a SAHM.
What matters, is you and your own family.
And the happiness of your children.
We are not rich.
My kids are happy.
My kids have even told me "I'm glad you are home with us.... " and that they don't have to stay in after care until 6:00pm. waiting to be picked up after school.

My kids have never seen me as "selfish." Nor my Husband.
That is what matters.

Working Mom or SAHM... we all make sacrifices. Right? And we all want the best for our kids.
We all do what we can, or what we have to... to provide for our kids. Be that in money or well being and emotionally.

Some working moms are selfish. I have a friend who works, and claims she can't afford to stay at home. By the time she pays for full day child care for three pre-schoolers, and all the added expenses of going to work, it's actually costing her family for her to be at work. Because the kids have to get up so early to get to daycare before she starts work, they are ready to go to bed right after dinner, so they hardly spend any time together as a family.

I am our one income - single parenting again while raising my grandchild! Sometimes there really isn't a choice....

Moms are not shelfish regardless if we work outside the home or stay at home. Just being a mom requires you to give up your TIME/wants/desires/hobbies and make a sacrifice for your kids and families. Regardess if you are at home full time or at work full time...you are making a HUGE sacrifice...don't let anyone convince you otherwise! Do what your gut tells you to do regarding working or staying home.

Been there, done both. SAHM wasn't a good match for me, for many reasons. For me, I think that SAHM is way easier than being a working mom.

I have nothing against either, knowing that people do what they need to based on their own personal reasons & feelings. At the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom, and makes for a happier family, whether or not she works inside or outside of the home. I have seen miserable, crappy SAHMs whose kids would be better off if the mom was at work, and vice versa.

Honestly, I could care less what other people do or how they live their life. I am comfortable with my choices & don't need to judge or belittle others that are different than me, in order to feel good about myself. I really think that the judgement & negativity comes from a place of insecurity and unhappiness within that person. If people would just worry about themselves, and respect others, this would be a better world.

I definitely don't think working moms are selfish! And I usually don't get that feeling from others.

I look at it kind of like you do, I work because I want to afford a certain lifestyle. And these are not selfish things like pedicures and handbags (I'm SO not that type!!!), it's mostly things that kids directly benefit from- comfortable home in a pleasant safe neighborhood with quality schools, extra-curricular activities for them, weekend trips, fun outings, pets, vacations, safe cars.

I'd hardly agree that doing without internet, girl scouts, and pets would put you under the poverty line... to me poverty is MUCH worse than that, like people sleeping on floors and eating ramen and wearing tattered clothes. but I get what you are saying.

Everyone has a different financial situation you know... different debts... some people like the simple life, others don't, different states have high cost of living than others... so many factors contribute.

I'm at peace with my issue, because I like my lifestyle and I feel the quality of my kids life has NOT suffered from me working at ALL. Honestly, once they start school they are in others' care for the bulk of the workday anyway. I would love to be a SAHM (I think it's WAY easier... but I've never done it longer than a couple months in a row) but I also love my house.

I think in CA it comes down to the housing... housing is very expensive here.

Glad to see people are supportive bc I struggle with guilt over working all the time. At this point, staying home would be easier. My kids are older so in school and while volunteering can be time consuming, I'm doing that as well as working. So I'm running back and forth all the time to school and my kids' functions, doctor and dentist appts, buying their clothes and bday gifts for parties, scheduling playdates and it's exhausting. I haven't quit yet though bc I do think a financial contribution is important. It's like people say - priorities and the definition of necessities. I actually could live without cable TV and things like that but I want to pay for college and likely private school fairly soon as our public isn't good. I see those as necessities. I also want to make sure we have health care insurance and I can't always rely on my husband for that. Some SAHM's in our neighborhood are at the gym everyday etc and that's great but I certainly don't feel selfish bc I'm going to work instead. On weekends I virtually never schedule any time for myself so that I'm there any time my kids want me. Same with after work. I have virtually no "adult fun" time bc I work. I do think some working moms are selfish but so are some SAHMs. I know plenty that put their kids in some kind of aftercare bc they're "so busy" or are hiring sitters all the time.

Working moms are NOT selfish! It's not like your sending your kids off to daycare to hang out at the spa - you're going to work! I've done it all since my daughter was born in 2008 - part time contract work, full time work and now I work part time from home, but I still send my daughter to preschool. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty - do what works financially and emotionally for you and your family. I have my second one on the way and am happy that I'll be working from home (pumping will be much easier), but even though I'm home, I will NEVER be a stay at home. I personally think it's much harder than going to work and I can't be "on" all day. I spend 2 hours with my daughter before school and 4.5 hours after school. That's plenty for me and I know she enjoys all that time with her friends. I personally think it's not so much quantity of time together as quality of time. When you are together, make it count - be present!

I learned the hard way when I had my first - take whatever advice you find helpful and IGNORE the rest. Every person, child, family is different and you have to do what works for you. Good luck!!

Do mom and selfish even belong in the same sentence? Is it possible to be both? I'm pretty sure if you're a selfish mom, you're not doing the best you can do. "You" being the general population of mom's, and not you as in N. :).

I stayed at home and I am now working. Both are hard and both have different benefits. Really people need to decide for themselves what is best for them and their families. If I could stay at home and live the life we live, I'd probably be all over that. For about 2 weeks and then I'd want to be working again. Everyone is different. No judging what other mom's do - just do you and you're good.

But no, you, N., don't impress me as a selfish mom :).

For us, it was better for the kids to do without the things you mention you would have to do without than to have a stressed out mom who was stretched too thin. We found a lot of free programs for them to participate in, art classes and summer camps, and we teach them a lot of things on our own, or barter with our customers for stuff for the kids. I look at the list of things you would have to give up and none of it is something I can't live without. But you don't live inside my head (thank goodness no one but me has to live there), you have your own personal boundaries and needs, which are different from mine.

That said, I have almost always worked part time, and now I own a business where I make my own hours. That is about as much as I can handle, I know my limits. Working full time and having to support my husband's career, as well as doing 99% of the household responsibilities including all the budgeting and cleaning and organizing life for four kids, would have put me in the nut house.

Do I think you're selfish? Not a bit. You could very well ask me why I'm so lazy since I can't handle raising a family and working 40+ hours a week. Both questions are absurd. We each chose what was best for our families, and as long as anyone's choice boils down to that, I don't see how children can be harmed in either arrangement.

You know, I think the way it works is this. You can say what is "best" for kids, like best for the generic kid in a vacuum. I guess that would be 100% breastfed, no tv ever, one parent at home full time, etc, whatever. But the thing is that there is no generic kid and no kid lives in a vacuum. Kids are born into families and you have to take each family member's needs and personality into account and build a famliy life where each person is getting their needs met. For me, that means I work from home part time. My emotional needs are served by the interaction with my customers and the way I can channel my goal-oriented personality into growing my business. Our family's emotional needs are helped by the money my work brings in, and the kids still get a parent at home most of the time. For someone else, those needs for interaction might be met by playdates or homeschool co-ops. Or their financial needs might be different. Or their kids might need more mommy-time than my kids get. You have to look at your own situation and just keep in mind that you are looking at how best you can give of yourself to meet the needs of everyone in the family in the best way possible, including your own.

Personally, I like to remind my students that ALL their mothers worked, just some of them got paid for it and in our particular system, only jobs that earn a paycheck are considered work. However I'm quite sure (and want to remind them) that stay-at-home parents are definitely doing work, and work which would cost a whole lot of money if a family had to pay for all those services separately (chauffeur, childminder, cook, shopper, housecleaner, clothes-washing...)

You can guess that I do have a paying job. I don't think I'm selfish--I'm actually the person with full-time employment in our household. Some people might say that maybe my husband would have had full-time work if we hadn't needed to relocate to a smaller city for my job at a college, where his prospects were much more limited. So was it selfish that we moved for my job? I don't think so--it just happened that the economy started to drop in 2002 after we moved, and in a small city, his prospects went with it and he ended up with part-time jobs outside his field. Then again, families relocate all the time for men's jobs; would people say that make the men selfish? Don't think so!

Yes, I do my job because it's rewarding to me (and I would have been a lousy stay-at-home parent--I don't have that type of patience, attention to detail, and creativity). I'd like to think, however, that through my work, I contribute something important to our society, and that is true for ALL jobs. So it really isn't selfish for me to work a paying job, and luckily, I haven't heard anyone say things to me that indicate they think it is. Stay-at-home parents and employed parents are all helping to make our future society, so there's no need for either group to put others down. May you find inner peace!

I don't really think you can make blanket statements about any group. My cousin's wife is a neurologist and has 2 young children. They have both been going to Montessori schools since age 2 all day. What is she supposed to do, just throw 10 years of medical school away to take her kids to the park? Her husband does not work btw...or at least he pretends to. I have another friend who works as a recruiter. She would much rather be home with her two daughters but her husband doesn't make enough to even pay the basic bills, forget about karate lessons. But they work staggered schedules. Personally, I think as long as the child is not in someone else's care from sun up to sun down then you have to do what you think is right for your family. I wonder though, with 3 kids, how much are you paying for daycare and aftercare? Is there really that much left over?

I think you need to ignore the drama. There will always be people who disagree with your lifestyle. It's sort of like saying, that thinner people are happier than heavier people; blonds have more fun than brunettes, and so forth. It's easy for people to express their opinions, but they are not living your life. Those are two separate things. One size shoe does not fit all. Many women work outside of the home because they have to; and not every mom wants to be a stay at home mom either. There's nothing wrong with a mom who provides for her family...in fact, it's admirable because it teaches her kids the importance of a work ethic. You have to do what is best for your family....and it sounds like you are.

Such a blanket statement, I don't think the issue is that simple. More than selfish I'd say working when your kids are really little, especially babies is unnatural. I know that I'd give up a lot of things before I handed my three-month-old to a care taker. If your reasons are you don't want to loose middle class status and be poor, I don't think that is selfish per say. But not wanting to be " just a mom" is. Because I guarantee you that your kids would be fine with you being "just a mom." Especially the baby.

To answer your first question: No! I do not think working moms are selfish. I do not presume to judge another mother's choice to stay at home or work outside the home. It's for each of us to decide what's best for our families.

Regarless of the choice we make to stay at home or work outside, there is always some sacrifice involved. Moms who make these tough decisions and sacrifices are certainly NOT selfish.

You've clearly made the case for why working is your choice and why that is best for your family, so please do not bash yourself and make yourself feel guilty about it. Just do what you need and want to do to make your family life what you want it to be.

Do what's best for you and your family, N., and let others' negative comments slide like water off the back of a duck.

Gamma G: Wow. I know you said you were playing devil's advocate, but it does not sound like that. Especially the first two sentences that start with "I think..." Maybe you should have stuck to your "what ifs..," but that's not what N. was asking for. She specifically asked for NO debate. Rather, you just took this opportunity to share your feelings about non-working moms. Well, thanks, but no thanks for that. Please stop making sweeping generalizations and presuming things about others.

I was going to write more, but I've decided to take my own advice and just let these opinions go without further comment.

Don't feel bad for working!!! If I was a stay at home mom when my husband lost his job we would have been screwed!!!! We are still struggling and once his pension money runs out we will be in bad shape if he does not find something else. I know several say at home moms that try to make working moms look bad. I don't understand it. We do what we have to do for our family. I am with you my kids would have had to quit everything without two incomes.

i wouldnt call anyone slefish...but just out of curiosity, i live without cable cuz its all eality b.s. anyways and i got enough drama i could care less about anyone elses...and there are no worthy shows for kids these days (ie, teen mom), cell phone or home phone, dont need both, its not that hard to cut back and still have enough...until u try it dont go assuming how much u can afford or not....all the things u are worried about having to pay now are extras and nothing in comparison to having a parent at home.

No - of course you are not being selfish. You are making a choice that is right for your family.

My husband is a small business owner who makes less than minimum wage. If I quit my job to stay home, we would have no insurance and I don't know where we would live - maybe with friends? Our mortgage is less than apartment rents in our area and I dont know how we could live cheaper than where we are now.

I met a mom this weekend who had the same job as me, but had quit to be a stay at home mom 12 years ago. She exclaimed over and over how she just COULD NOT go back to work and leave her baby. She talked about how much they had to sacrifice without her income but how it was worth it. I should have been happy for her, but mainly I just felt bad. I felt like she was saying I valued material things more than time with my children.

I guess I am with you - If selfish means that I work so that I can provide my kids with a house, food, and a zoo membership, I'm selfish.

I realize I am super sensitive on this issue because I WANT to stay home and feel like my children suffer because they go to daycare instead of being with me. I DO wish that moms would realize that everyone makes the decision that they think is best for their family, and be supportive of that.

If I were able to make enough money to pay for childcare for my children and still have some left over, I would be working. However, I haven't finished school yet, and we would actually end up losing money if I went back to work. I think the grass is always greener and that there are pros and cons to both SAHMs and working moms. Regardless of which you are, there will be guilt associated with your choice. I have guilt that I don't contribute to our household income. If I worked, I'm sure I would feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. What works for one, may not work for another.

I think it's strange when a mom can afford to stay home but instead chooses to work full time. My ideal would be stay at home and work part time. I definitely don't generalize working moms as selfish, because I work more than full time. I have to because my husband is out of work, so in my case my working is selfless rather than selfish.

I've done both, too, and concluded that my profession is NOT mommy-friendly. I cannot be the mom I want to be, and the professional I want to be, at the same time.

Life is all about priorities.

Your life is unique and only you can figure out what works for you.

Good luck with the baby! <3

Honest truth? I do NOT think that moms like you are selfish. Moms who must earn a living to help support a family. You don't have a choice and so it is completely understandable to me that you are doing what you have to. I DO think moms that work because they could not stand to be home with their kids every day are selfish. And I DO think that moms that work so they can drive an escalade, have a beach house and live in a mcmansion are selfish. Sorry-just how I feel. I would never sublet the care of my kids to anyone no matter how difficult I found it to stay home with them. I would not want another person to raise them instead of me. And I do see it as "raising "because most moms I know that work see their kids maybe 3 hours a day.