A Mom Made Me Feel like a Terrible Parent Because I Am NOT a SAHM :-(

She sounds like my sister. She stayed home while her kids are growing up and I work. I work because I have to, but also because I want too-and for me, I'm a better mom for it.

I don't think she was necessarily insulting you-I think she is mad and realized she stuck her foot in her mouth and didn't back out gracefully. Frankly she sounds like a spoiled brat who had her dream house taken away and now is just mad at the world. I wouldn't let it bother you.

I stay home with my kids but I love working...I know if I were to get a job I would be a work-a-holic and since I know I can't be in two places at once and I have no family for back up....I stay home.

But I would of told her then she shouldn't be mad about the move because that is the sacrifice and since she is so willing to make those this should be easy peasy

I'm at sahm and my oldest sister and bestfriend works and have 4 kids! Actually from January until April she has 2 jobs....and sometimes she has this "working mom syndrome " and feels guilty but let me tell I will love to be a working mom and help with the finances will be way better if we had some extra money. And her kids are great, well behave happy and healthy kids...
.I believe if you can do a good job been a mom or a worker or boths is good for the all family .....

I wouldn't take her attitude personally. She's losing her home because of her choice to be a SAHM (which I also am and that's MY choice), and she's on the defensive and trying to justify her choice as "correct". In this *particular* case, unfortunately, her choice NOT to work is having a DIRECT consequence of them losing their house. Can you imagine the pressure and second-guessing she must be going through? "Should I have gone back to work? Would we be losing our home if I did? What if, after all this, my kid STILL ends up messed up? Did I do the right thing?" Unfortunately, you brought up what must have been a REALLY sore subject (possibly not even realizing how touchy it was) and she unleashed her insecurities on you. Don't take it personally, and don't bring it up again. There is no right answer to the working mom/SAHM debate, whatever works for your family is what's right for your family. Don't second guess yourself and don't let anyone else make you question what's best for YOUR family.

ha ha my SIL said the same thing to me "well this was MY choice to stay home and that was YOUR choice to go back to work". I thought that was a great excuse since she married A FRIGGIN DOCTOR!!!! give me a break. Some of us are not lucky enough to stay at home....or we want more for our family so we work a little to have more..... ok either way..your SAHM lady obviously is angry about her own situation and was just taking it out on you...dont feel bad for working if you like it and it work for your family. Need to just ignore her. Sounds like she had 2.5 million reasons she is upset and possibly jealous of your financial situation. (from her reaction, sounds like your co-worker guy mentioned you two's conversation)

Don't ever feel bad for your choice. I was a SAHM for four solid years and it about drove hubby and me nuts. I like to get out and do things with adults. When we moved back to the states I got a job full time. Since then I have been a working mom and again SAHM but the kids were older.

To be a working mom you have to be organized and have a daily routine. My kids did football, scouts and local fund raisers. Yes that was in the day of the superemom syndrome which I am happy has gone by the way side. If I knew that my working would be the difference of me keeping my home or losing it I would be working until the finances got better and pulling my share of the load and not be a "snooty" somebody who thinks she is better than anyone else. Enough.

Enjoy your working life of two days a week. It is enough for you to get out of the house and still be home to do the things you want to do. There are some women me included that need to be out in the adult world even though we have children. As I have said, my children are my life but my life is not my children and I do things for myself which make everyone happy.

The other S.

PS For those moms who decide to stay home like Mallory no one is pointing any fingers. I hope that you did not think I was attacking moms that did stay home. I did try it and it is not in my genetics to be that way. A woman has many facets to her life and motherhood is just a part of it. They tell you as a child you can be anything you want to be so that is where the choices come in. My hat is off to you for staying home and I toast you with a glass of sparkling cider.

simple truth is that some mom choose to stay home, and some moms work. That's the simple answer. Moms who stay home are doing it by either choice, or by the fact that their husbands can support the family, and there isn't a need for 2 incomes.

HOWEVER, I DO THINK this mom is out of line! Where does she come off telling you that you aren't a good mother because you don't stay home.

Mom's that work have just as much integrity as SAHM's. It's stupid to me that people are so quick to judge a mom for her choice or for having to work. Some mom's don't have the choice to stay home, and HAVE to work to contribute to the income. DON"T JUDGE OTHERS PEOPLE!

.

Sounds like she is just mad that the sacrifices she has chosen includes losing thier big home.

Oh just ignore her.
That is her and her life and her Husband's life.
To each his own.

She was obviously having a bad day and was irked and stressed.

Do not even take it personally.

Both working or SAHM's, can be terrific parents.
There are pro's and con's to both realms.

Ignore her. I'm a SAHM and I say, ignore the woman. She wasn't thinking about anyone else or their decisions or whether they are better for their families or not. She was thinking "We're losing our HOME!!" And was shifting blame away from herself.

Ignore the comment and think nothing more about it. We all do what we feel is best for our families, and every family is different with a different set of options and needs and different PEOPLE in them. You're doing just fine.

I would not take what she said personally. You caught her at a horrible time and she is only thinking about herself and her situation. It can't feel too good to have to move because you can't afford your home. That being said she is not thinking before she is speaking and is not speaking to your situation whatsoever. All she is concerned with is herself and the move.

If you are happy with your situation then who is ANYONE to tell you otherwise? Everybody is different and so are their situations. She obviously would sacrafice the larger home to stay home with her children. That is her perogative.

Again, do not feel bad about your situation unless of course you were feeling bad about it 15 minutes before you had that conversation with her. If you were feeling that way beforehand than it is time to do some soul searching of your own.

I do feel that way - and have my really bad days where the guilt is great because I'm not there with them. I have made the choice to work partly becuse it's necessary and overall it's best for our family now. HOWEVER the measure of you as a parent is NOT whether you stay home or don't stay home. It's how you love and provide for your children - how you spend your time when with them. There are great stay at home moms and great working moms - and "bad" of each as well. You situation sounds perfect - you work part-time and have the ability to be home very often! She sounds like she was very unhappy and frustrated at the time of the call. She might have been misplacing her frustrations... and trying to make herself feel better. If she was aiming it at you, do your best not to let it get to you. Poor unhappy lady...

I'm a SAHM and we have sacrificed financially for me to be here homeschooling.

That being said, I would never have that conversation with one of my husband's female co-workers or subordinates (whom I knew to be a mom too). How rude on her part! It sounds like someone needs to be "validated" at your expense. Don't let it bother you.

I do not think she was purposefully insulting you, as much as she was being overly defensive of her decision to 'sacrifice' rather than getting a J-O-B!

The nice person inside me is thinking: She is probably stressed out about being in over their heads financially....everyone has an 'off' day, ya know? If she is a good friend I wouldn't let this poor choice of wording on her part ruin your friendship.

The not-so-nice person inside me is thinking: Where does she get off being so insensitive?! You barely work---I don't mean that as an insult, I work very PT too! 2-3x a week is hardly a full time job, it's not like you are neglecting your children, your life is in order, you have no CC debt (good for you sweets!), you ARE sacrificing for your family, for crying out loud!

~Please don't let this bother you anymore. Everybody is different and has different priorities for their family and their lives. What works for one family might not work for the other.

The jury is out about the insult...More likely she is just really ticked about her situation.....I work fulltime with three little kids 5, 3, 14 months...It is what it is...If I could stay home I would but right now financially it helps us and by no means do we live in a 2.5 million dollar home....We are working hard to make ends meet like millions in this country...Blow her off...She is insecure and angry about her situation......Feel bad for her.

She is taking her own disappoitment and anger out on you and I doubt she really feels that way. It sounds like she is jealous of what you have. Don't think another second about what they say because you are doing what is right for you, and that in turn is right for your family.

I too work 2 days a week outside the home and find it is the perfect balance for ME. We do need the income too:)

Oh yeah...you're a HORRIBLE mother for making sure your family is fed, clothed, sheltered and debt-free. Shame on you! *eyeroll*

Of course, I'm being very sarcastic here. I think you ARE making sacrifices for your family. You're sacrificing a few days a week at home to be able to provide for them.

Be confident in your decisions and be proud that you're able to provide for your family. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds :o)

Sounds like this woman was just upset and frustrated and unfortunately her comments ended up striking a nerve with you. Without knowing her better, it's tough to say if she was actually trying to insult you or not.

Sounds like you have a great set up for your son, when they're not w/ you they're with a loving family member and that's what's important. My son went to daycare as a baby while I went back to work full time, he was taken care of by a wonderful, loving woman. We were able to buy a home for our family with the money we saved from me going back to work full time, I didn't want to have to make financial sacrifices, it was the best thing for my family. You just have to do what's best for your family.

Whether or not she was trying to offend you, her words were offensive. The whole situation at her home sounds miserable. It's almost like she is trying to talk herself into believing what she is saying to you. She doesn't sound happy, and we all know that when Momma ain't happy, nobodies happy. Her husband sounds like he has issues to demand his wife stay home. Sounds like he is really trying to establish his masculinity. He's the man, he is the breadwinner and doing just fine and don't you dare question him and his loss of his house!!! Are your kids happy? Healthy? Well cared for and secure? Are you happy? Hubby? Then great! Forget these other people. You hardly work outside the home at all, and even if you did who cares? It's your life and your family situation and it works for you. Her plan obviously doesn't work for her and it sounds like she wants you just as unhappy as she is, even if she doesn't realize it. I'd feel sorry for them if anything. Don't let it get you down, momma!

What kind of sacrifices do you make when you live in a 2.5 million dollar home? Only one butler?

If your choice is to work part time, that is YOUR choice and NOBODY should make you feel terrible!!!! Apparently he wanted to please his wife with a huge home and now times are different and changes need to be made and she is mad. That is just too darn bad. I am a SAHM, but went back to work for over a year when my husband was laid off from his job and still looking. I would have still been there but we have since moved to a new state and there is no longer a need for me to work. However, I will/would go back when my kids are a little older and I feel they are not needing me as much. NEVER NEVER feel guilty about your parenting decisions.

Ignore her, and enjoy your family and your choices!!

What sacrifice? Your kid has the best of all worlds!! Just because you aren't sitting around cleaning house and running errands and killing time til he gets out of school...

She's just mad cuz she has to move. Well that's a sacrifice she is now making. Albeit unhappily, but that's HER choice. Right?

My kids both go to daycare so that both hubby and I can work full time. My kids love their provider. They get mad when its the weekend and they can't go.

Chin up mama.
M.

Captain Holy Mother! Tee-hee! Thanks Theresa, that made my day!

J., chalk her disgustingly rude behavior up to the fact that she is pissy about not being able to live as lavishly as she has in the past. If she would "rather make sacrifices" then she wouldn't be complaining about having to move!

Unhappy people aren't happy when people who make different choices ARE happy.

I'm a SAHM, and I salute my mommy friends who work! I ask them for tips all the time on how to make a home run more smoothly. I am terrible at budgeting my time, and I can learn alot about that from my friends who work. Don't feel bad! You are making sacrifices for your kids that the other mom can never understand.

That woman is living in "Candy Land" She has a belief and it is all falling down around her head and she cannot back out of her beliefs.

Each family has to make decisions based on their needs. It is also based on their wants.

I would do whatever it took to make sure my family was healthy happy and safe. We all can start out with what we believe, but until you are living the life.. you have no idea what changes may need to be made.

I stayed home for all of our daughters years in school, but I took on small jobs here and there. That is how I now have a business doing special events. My daughter saw me working outside of the home and as she got older she also helped and then it was her first job. We always thanked my husband for his hard work. We still do. But we have no idea what other peoples lives are, so it is hard to make a statement like all mothers should be stay at home moms.

Yesterday I met with a client to help her plan an event. She is 48 years old with 5 children.. all ages.. a year and a half ago, her husband died of a massive heart attack. She has 2 kids in college, 1 that is married and 2 elementary age children.

She WAS a stay at home mom, but like she said, "this money will not be forever, it is enough to get us through this part, but I have got to support my kids". She will start a temp job next month, she said she is glad that she had worked before, because otherwise she would have been out of the job force for almost 20 years.

A lot of SAHM's feel a strong need to defend their choice, I'm not sure why I guess they've been attacked in the past. I was a SAHM and just felt it was right for my kids as long as I could afford to do it. Personally I would NOT let my family lose their house, if it was in a neighborhood we liked with schools we liked, I would do what I could not to upset my children with a move unless the move was the best thing for them. But then again It's really hard to feel sorry for someone who had a 2.5 million dollar house. It sounds like you are in a great position, to be able to work part time and have Grandma help. (and who wrote the post about I would NEVER leave my child with Grandma that sounds SO sad)

People who make comments like that are just insecure about their own choices. After all, if you're a happy person, you don't go around criticizing other people.

I work part-time, too, and I'm proud of it! I bring home a great income, stay intellectually challenged, set a good example for our kids and I'm keeping myself marketable. That said, if someone chooses to SAH exclusively, I'm fine with that, too. No one should feel bad for whether they work or stay at home. The world would be a very boring place if we all did the same thing! There isn't a right or wrong answer to the work situation; it's a matter of doing what's best for your family's needs.

J.

I think that woman was drowning in her own sad and pathetic situation to even have the perspective of others. I don't think it was an intentional insult but I certainly would not include her in my circle of close friends. Her outspoken views and judgments are narrow and short sided.

I can't help but wonder if your coworker is emotionally supportive of his wife's role as a SAHM or does he secretly wish she could contribute to the family's income like you. Could he be envious of you...debt free, good income with part time work, living within your means and a realistic attitude? Consider that for a moment.

You and your husband have made decisions that work for you. Don't let anyone question that. Stand tall and know that you are doing the best for your family regardless of what others think.

Let it go.
She is obviously upset and embarrassed that they are losing their home. Your comment to her husband that "you are debt free thanks to your income" was insensitive, and seems like a passive aggressive way of saying that you think his wife's choice to stay home with the kids is a bad one.
Bottom line....you were both wrong and the entire situation wasn't handled appropriately.

I am a SAHM. I love to be home with my son and I'm very thankful that I've been given the opportunity to be with him for this long. But honestly, I want to work sooooo bad. I've been looking for a job and can't seem to find one for the life of me. I am a single parent of 2 children so I am the sole provider. I'm saying that to say that some of us have choices and others don't. If she feels that she would rather be home with her kids, that's her choice. She has a husband that is obviously willing to support the family financially. I feel that maybe she has other things going on in her life that you may not know about. Her lashing out at you may or may not have been intentional, but I would talk to her about the way I'm feeling. Don't for a minute allow someone to make you feel like an unfit or selfish parent for wanting to contribute to your household. Don't let her comments consume you. I'm sure your doing an excellent job both at home and at work. Keep it up! :)

Try to let it go. We each have to do what is best for our families. For her, she would feel horrible if she didn't stay home. You have a wonderful situation worked out for your family. I am a teacher, so I'm home with my kids during the summer, but when they were younger they various childcare situations that all worked out very well. Now they are in school. My point is that we each do what works out best for our own families. You are setting an excellent example for your children by being a happy mom who is helping to support her family. A happy stay at home mom is also setting a wonderful example for her children by caring for her home and family. You know what is best for you. Don't let others bring you down. :)

I am like you. I stay home for the most part, but do have a part time job while my son is in school. 2 half days. It doesn't make us rich, but certainly helps make ends meet. Quite honestly I think this M. has her priorities ALL wrong. I would hate for my son to go to daycare and have sacrificed alot to keep him from doing so. However, if it came to the point that we were in over our heads and had to move from our home- guess what- he'd be going to daycare and I would be working full time. There is some point that you have to think, is me staying home or having a roof over our head more important?
Don't let this woman make you feel bad. Good for you for doing what is necessary to give your family a comfortable life.

I am a SAHM, but I can be and choose to be. BUT there are MANY MANY days I'd like to go to work a day or two! If going to work is something that benefits your family, and YOU are happy about it, GOOD FOR YOU!!!

It's everyone's choice what they decide for their families. I have a friend who HAS to work because her husbands job doesnt offer affordable benefits. I have friends who went to college and earned degrees and want to work, and I have friends who are %100 SAHM's

It seems selfish to me that she's ANGRY about selling a 2.5 million dollar home, but doesnt think working is necessary for her. She has unrealistic expectations about life. I wouldn't care either way what she thinks! It sounds like you have a great arrangement and are happy! Forget what she said! She doesn't sound SHE'S very happy about her life!

i have been a wide range of parent in the short two years of my daughters life. i started as a working single mom. then i went to a full time student, but my daughter was still in daycare while i was in school. and now, since we moved in with my fiance, i'm a SAHM with her. but the thing is i'm desparately trying to get into the work force. i love my daughter, but i'm just not cut out to be a sahm. yeah, people make me feel guilty for it all the time. but my personality doesn't mesh with staying home all day every day. people also make me feel bad for being a single mom, and for living with my fiance. i've learned people are always going to make me feel bad for doing or not doing the things they feel are important. its not always easy to cope with, but you have to know that you are doing what is best for your family. you make sure your kids are well taken care of by people who love them. that is all that matters. your financial security is the best thing you can offer your family, asides from being you :)

I think she's angry about losing her beautiful, expensive home. This is the choice they have made to accommodate her staying home. I think that it's not YOU personally, but what you represent.

Your children are well-cared for and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You get all sorts of people who feel that they have to bring you down because of whatever.... When I worked FT, I had single moms asking why I was taking a day off to take my child to the doctor. Why couldn't DH do it? Well, he works, and I wanted to be there! But it wasn't about me, really. It was about the fact that anyone with a partner had more options. I was just the target that day.

Don't take her personally, but I wouldn't ask her about her move again any time soon. Sheesh!

I'm a SAHM and things like that make me mad. People who don't know your situation should stay out of it. Sounds to me like you are a very good mom. You work part time while your kids are in school and make sure that they are taken care of by family members. Nothing wrong with that, so please don't feel like a bad parent.
This lady is obviously going through a very hard time, she's probably having to defend her position to a lot of people, including herself. Try not to take it personally.

Wow - way too personal a conversation at work to start. Cannot believe that guy had the gall to ask you about your home financing! I also cannot believe that you tossed your "debt free" glass of water in his face after he tells you he can't afford his house! OUCH!

Of course he felt he had no other recourse than to attack your choices. He probably told the conversation to his wife putting you in the worst possible light. So while you thought you were being all sweet and kind asking her about the move, she just thought you were rubbing your good fortune in her face.

And as for your question....Yes!!! I love my part-time job and thinks it makes me a better parent. I have nothing but admiration for full-time working mothers. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. I'm sure the same can be said for full-time at home moms.

And you shouldn't care about what others think of your situation. If you're happy - that's all that matters.

Next to death of a parent, going blind in one eye, and being held back in school-children do no like to change homes! It's very stressful-that said-if the SAHM had worked-would they have been able to keep their home? Who knows? The point is-both groups have merit and respect should be given to one another, by the other-because the fact is-we're really all in this together-I care about the outcome of every child-because the future is contingent upon their abilities.

I am guessing that her husband told her... well YOUR family is debt free and so on, and she felt threatened (indirectly) by you.

She has her reasons to stay home... you have yours to work! I am a stay at home mom, and the choice was easy for us- Daycare in my town is very competitive and it costs more per hour than I would make working. Why would I work just to pay a daycare, and sacrifice that time with my kids? That said, there are many other reasons to stay home too, and there are plenty of reasons to work too!

Do what makes sense for YOUR family. Plenty of SAHM's get defensive about it because they come under fire for their decisions- especially since it is the "norm" to have a two-income family these days. I know my mom makes snide comments sometimes about me being a stay at home mom and how she never had that "luxury" with me (like we are eating off of gold encrusted silverware of something). I get similar comments about breastfeeding, making my own baby food, and cloth diapering. In fact, all of those are the choices that keep me from HAVING to go get a part time job when my husband is home! Sometimes I admit, it is hard not to lash out when people ask about "why" i stay at home... but I bite my tongue because most of the time, the person you would be lashing out at doesn't deserve it!

The point being... that no matter what you do, someone will always have some criticism of your parenting choices. Usually it is because they are DEFENDING their own. Whatever you do, if you do it while trying to do what is BEST for your family, in your home, and makes you and them happiest- rest assured you are doing the right thing! If she calls you again... first off don't mention that she is a SAHM at all... just say that you are sympathetic that they are going through tough times, and with diligence you are sure they can figure out something that works for their family! For yours- you work... and there is nothing wrong with that.

-M.

I'm a full time working mother and have had my children in daycares and after school centers. I was also a single parent for awhile with my older two children. Of course there are times when I wish I could have spent more time with them, but I also utilize the time I do have with them. You are actually in a great position, you only work 2-3 days a week with great pay and your kids are in school, plus you are debt free. Really how many people can say that? Don't let what she said bother you, are your kids happy and healthy? She obviously is upset about the move and trying to justify things in her own mind.
Don't get me wrong because I do think it's great to be a SAHM but it's also the 21st century and it's okay to be a working mom too. Sometimes you don't have a choice in the matter, other times it is your choice. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Women can do it all, we've shown that over and over again...
Be proud, you have every right to be!

What she said was insulting. But she wasn't insulting you. She was defending herself. With all she's going through right now, she's not thinking about you. She's justifying her position by lashing out and feeling very guilty for not helping to save the home. She knows good and well that working is a valid choice and it is also a way of sacrificing for your kids. Don't you think being away from them all day is a sacrifice? You are not a bad parent for working. She is not a bad parent for not working. Her husband probably put it in her ear that women at his office manage to make it work and that put her the defense with you. Don't take it personally.

Well, you can choose to be insulted, or not.

You don't really need to justify what you are doing to anyone, you know what is best for you and your family, and you did not start the SAHM converstaion, your coworker did. If anyone insulted you, I would say it was your male coworker, who is obviously pretty unhappy with what is going on with his life right now...

SAHM, working Mom, it is really a crazy argument.

Mom...

You are just Mom. Be happy, and don't get into the mud with them.

M.

No one can make me feel anything without my permission.
If you wanted to sink to her level you could tell her she might have been able to keep her old home had she got off her behind to earn some money to pay for it.
Now her poor children will have to make do with less than a mansion to live in.
She shouldn't judge you for your choices and we won't judge her for her financial insolvency.

OMG! I love this post!! I often feel bad about being a working Mom.

We have made an arrangement in our house where we both work full time - I work as an engineer M thru F (working remotely on Thursdays) and Hubby works 12-hr shifts Thursday and the weekends as an ER RN. He is also certified as a paramedic and will pick up one or two 12-hr overnight shifts during the week (they have bunks where he can catch zzzzs and be able to deal with the kiddos in the AM).

It is a balancing act and there are pros and cons. The biggest pro for us is having a caring, loving adult home with the kids (4 weeks old, 18months and 3.5 YO) and not having them in daycare. They get to participate in things like gymnastics, storytime at the library, playing at the playground and taking nearly daily walks. Sometimes, I have felt like I am a bad Mom for working full-time, but the pros for us out-weight any "guilt" I feel. We have made "other" sacrafices - like only getting one weekend a month with Daddy!

I am sure your family is the same way - there are pros and cons and sacrafices. All familys have them, it just depends on if they acknowledge them. In this case, having to downsize is the sacrafice for having a SAHM. I would not take it as a slight. As you said, she was mad and upset and you do not know the background - maybe her husband (your coworker) was encouraging her to look into parttime work and that is why she lashed out like that. Also, remember that folks handle change differently.

I would let it go. If you end up talking again, you could tell her how sorry you are for her lost (because she has lost a way of life....) but that you are sure she will make this new house as lovely as the last and maybe offer a house warming gift to your coworker to share with the family.

Good luck and don't ever feel bad or guilty for doing what is right and best for your family!!
~C.

she is under a lot of stress obviously and maybe she got mad about you telling her husband your part-time job got you out of debt or saved you financially. in hindsight, that cannot be, can it? She is also mad that her husband spoke to a female worker about problems at home, well not problems, but disagreements. I would be mad if a female co-worker told my husband something he wanted to hear and i was not on board with it.
BUT then she went off on you. that's not alright either. i think if you could go back you should have said to him every family's financial situation is different. hope you find something that works for your family. but that is it.

I have being a stay at home mom and a working mom. With my first child, it wasn't an option, if I would have stay at home we would have die of starvation, call me bad mom but I rather eat. Even before second girl came, I wanted and could stay at home at the begining, and I loved. When my husband lost his job many times I thought about going back to work, but with so many years out of work, I would have literally go to work to pay for daycare, so I stay and pray for my husband to find a job soon. But if I would have being able to find a good job that pay more then just day care I would have done it because see my husband worry to dead for us hurt me more than what ever women could have hurt me with her stupidity.
Each person is different and so are their needs and wants.
I would avoid this women, and take things for who the come, in this case a women closed to any other then her ideas, buy her a mirror as a present so she can talk to her self and stop bother you, lol.
Congratulations for being in your company for 15 years, is easy to say but is a lot of work.

You really said that to someone you work for? Yikes!! In the context you quoted you insulted him and blamed his wife for losing their home. To say you are debt free because of your income would have set off his wife but you saying we are not upside down on our house insulted him which is why his wife found out. His comment about hell freezing over was his insult back to you.

I really hope you misquoted here because if that is how it went down you could be in some serious trouble at work if he is your boss.

I am a SAHM and I commend you on working part time to keep your family finances on track. You have the best of both worlds. I would change places with you in a minute. You are not missing out on anything and are still keeping your skills and sanity :) As for your boss's wife,a 2.5 million dollar home does not sound like she was sacrificing anything. She is just bitter. Congrats to you on being a great mom and finding a nice balance in your life!

I'am a SAHM to 3 there is noway I would go to work & leave my kids in the care of another person let alone a grandma they are my kids my responsibility now having said that there is financial choices I have to make to make sure my family doesn't go under.There would be so much more stress if I did work I wouldn't be able to send my daughter to preschool twice a week for 2 hrs because i'm her transportaion,son's school activities I would miss my participation level would go down to almost nothing because I'am the sole person resposible to buy what he needs for his activities or the PTO,sports they wouldn't be able to participate in them since i'm their transportation, or have an accident i'm the one to call,Drs appts can't rely on nobody else but mom.Yes i'am married but he works hard & work as many hrs he can get in a days worth of work so for I can be a sahm & live comfortably sometimes we do go without what we "want" but never what we need.
I don't see how working parents do it go to work while the kids are at school ok, so what happens after school do you get off just in the nick of time to pick them up or they ride the bus home as your arriving home they are too.Then it's rush rush rush to get dinner,homework,practices,things ready for the next day that just isn't for me.
Don't take it to heart you have your reasons to work & I have mine not to work...
UPDATED:Grandparents are in our lives aswell,what do you think they aren't

You have a good income AND can be there with your kids when they get home?? IMHO I think you got the best of both going there!

I envy that you can be home so much! I have to work my 40hrs and its at least an hour drive both ways. =( I've been doing that since they were 5 and 3 I think.

you don't need to apologize to mallory - you didn't say anything wrong...

as far as the coworker's wife, she's obviously stressed out and angry about losing their multi million dollar home (boo hoo). sounds like she's in temper tantrum mode. honestly honey, you sound like you have the best of both worlds and some people just can't be gracious about their envy. you ONLY work two days a week! that is the perfect set up if you ask me! i think many SAHM's would enjoy that and i KNOW lots of us full time working moms would! don't let it bother you. you seem as though you were courteous and respectful and i'm not sure why anyone would take it any other way unless they had a predisposition to be overly sensitive about the subject....

Being a SAHM leaves you open to insults also. I had a friend say to me, "I don't mean to insult you, but what do you DO all day?" You just can't win with some people. Just let it go, and try to avoid her, is my best advice

Eleanor Roosevelt had a saying " No one can make you feel inferior but yourself"
Although I am home full time I dont think being home is for everybody. Maybe she is a more judgmental person..let it go.
Some people enjoy making others feel awkward by saying unkind comments. Just do your best..that is the only thing you can hope for.
Also their comments might of been rude or possibly not. Its just his opinion. Doesnt make it right or wrong..its just the husbands opinion.
I am Catholic along the majority of my extended family. My dads brother and his wife say some rather mean comments about my parents. They also have marched at Washington DC for pro life. I would not do that but I respect their view. Although I dont agree with abortion..I think there are shades of gray.. Anyhow when they brought up rather senitive issues I remained gracious towards them..even though I dont share the same opinion.
Hold your head up. Think about all the great things you do as a wife and a mom. We all have those insecure moments. Sometimes we all think we are doing a lossy job. Just be at peace..let it go ..let it be her problem. Dont except her strife.

Please don't feel that you are a terrible parent. Your children are obviously loved & well taken care of. Being financially secure and stable is a really huge thing to give your kids, as is the kids seeing mommy & daddy work as partners/equals to help provide for the family (not that a SAHM is not perceived as not working, but it's a great role model for the kids to see both mom & dad can be good wage-earners). Being debt free is a wonderful gift you're giving your family. And your children are watched/cared for by family who love them from the hairs on their heads down to their toenails!

Ask yourself what kind of role model she is being as a parent, if her kids see her attitude of entitlement--then ask yourself what kind of role model you are being for your kids-----you "win" hands down.

Being a SAH parent is a choice. And not all of us get to make that choice, or want to SAH. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with choosing to SAHP. The key is how/why that is made: it should be a choice made out love, made in balancing what is best for the family and best for the individual, and you have clearly done a great job and made the right choice for you!

Are your kids healthy? Do they have clothes, food, and shelter? Do they know they are loved? Whether or not you bring home a paycheck, as long as you can answer "yes" to those three questions, you are doing a good job as a parent. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAH parent. Bringing home a paycheck does not make you a bad mother, and you have NO reason to feel guilty.

She sounds like a spoiled brat. Had to have that house. Well,I lived in a huge house my hubby bought because he was having affairs and felt guilty.I had no idea. women want a man who can provide that kind of life style.They were mostly all married wanting him and we divorced. The judge looked at me who stayed home and kept up that home and half acre lot moving dirt and ironing his clothes running his errands and cooking for his friends and family. I never sat still but also loved some time with women groups. The judge in our divorce looked at it as me being a free loader. I had to give up half of everything to pay for attorneys and $10K taxes and he screwed me out of 11 yrs retirement. I had a stroke and loss of memory. Today I know more and would have never settled. He remarried in 2 mos and in four wanted out but took him a yr or two to divorce her. I would love have been able to stay home but I now have a home day care and kids learn how to socialize in day cares, learning to share and care. I was home til my youngest was 4 but I did not teach them what my children learn in my day care. I think you are doing a great job and letting grandma be involved is important for not only him but you. She needs to step off her pedesal and taste real life. If she can stay home and have less so be it but she sounds like not.God Bless G. W

One of the most freeing and empowering things I've ever learned is that other people don't MAKE me feel anything. It's only my own thoughts about what they said that make me feel sad / defensive / deficient / anxious / angry / proud / happy / etc.

So this woman is only hooking into the understandable thoughts you already have. Don't we all, on some deep level, wish that we could be there for our kids 24 hours a day? But just because part of us wishes that were possible, it may not be the best choice for our particular circumstances. There are advantages to your family and your children's well-being that you are helping take care of finances, and that your children are being exposed to a wider range of experience.

This mom's need to 'criticize' your family choices may be nothing more than her own need to 'defend' her own choices so that she doesn't have to look at other options. People use defenses based in ideas/theories/tradition all the time. She may not be making the best choice for her family. But nobody outside her family is in a position to know whether or not that's true.

Don't fret over this too much, J.. Even if she were intentionally trying to insult you, it's still your choice whether or not to internalize it. I'd just let it slide off.

You are the only one who can possibly know whether your choices are the best ones you can make. Any time we notice a deep concerns about child-rearing or other life decisions, it's ALWAYS appropriate to look at those closely and make sure we're not missing some important information, or that we haven't slid into a rut. We can do that independently of getting "insulted" into it.

I'll bet you're doing just fine.

As a grandmother who watches my grandsons 2-3 days a week, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was at home with my daughters when they were babies, I took them with me to the office (I realize that is not usually possible) but I always worked. If staying at home is what they agree on as a family, it is an ok thing. If staying at home is something the husband insists on because of his own ego, it may not be a good thing and definately not a good message to the children. yes, you were being insulted but probably because she envy's your position. She can't sound off to her husband so she is transferring it to you. A terrible parent is one who works all the time and never spends any time with the children. Sounds like you and your husband along with grandma have worked out childcare. Kudos to you for avoiding strangers caring for your babies. Go on your way, avoid this person, love your children, spend time with them, but don't let others problems dictate your family's future and needs.

First, it seems to me like you have the perfect balance of being able to help financially, and get the adult stimulations AND a since of pride and self worth as a working mom while still being able to be home the majority of the time with your kids too! I guess I feel that way because I also worked part time with my oldest were little. I can't say I hated working, but I also didn't love working, it was just something I felt I needed to do, but like I said, I got adult stimulation, was apprecaited for the job I did, and felt like I was contributing. There came a point when my boss wanted full time help and I didn't want to work full time with 2 small kids, so I was out of work and it just worked out that I haven't gone back...that was 7 years ago! However, as a SAHM, I don't get that same since of accomplishment and appreciation for the job I do now, so again, I say it seems like you have the perfect balance! Now, to this woman who was rude. I don't think she was trying to insult you. I think some SAHM's feel like the myrtar when they say they sacrifice...she just lost her house. She's mad, stressed, and upset about that. I bet if they lost their house, they probably have lots of other debts that are straining their relationship as well. That being said, she lashed out saying she would never leave her kids, blah, blah, blah...well, I wonder if it would be better for her kids to not feel the financial strain of loosing their home? Maybe if she "sacrificed" for a year, they could have gotten out of debt and kept their home? Who knows, be truly, each family has to do what's best. I can honestly say I hate to see when both parents work full time. I know sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes a little sacrifice might go a long way too...and honestly, I don't know how they get it all done when both work full time (dinner, homework, activities, etc.) But, there are many families that do. I don't think that would work for my family. But I think you should be proud of the perfect situation you have with your family. Just own your feelings. Did you feel attacked because you might like to stay home, but also enjoy working? That's a hard pull. I know some people who don't want to go out of town and leave their kids because of the pull to be there for them and yet they need to be there for their partner as well. I'm rambling, but one more thought...I'm a SAHM and yet my son goes to mother's day out 2 days a week. What if I worked on those same two days a week? Would this mom feel OK with my situation if I sent my child to mother's day out and didn't work? Would she judge me differently if I sent my kids there and did work? Seems like a double standard. I know TONS of moms that don't work and their kids STILL go to a mother's day out!

First - those people are just upset about their own change in finances - and they may have felt that you were implying that SHE should get a job to save their house.

I absolutely have to work and I hate it. My husband has his own business which is struggling, and it means he has little salary and no ability to provide health insurance for our children.

If I did NOT work, we would be on welfare renting an inexpensive apartment, instead of holding our own in a modest house. I'm proud that we are able to live within our means, driving old cars and skipping the eating out and vacations that our friends (who make more money) enjoy.

I do HATE not being with my children (3 and 1). They cry every morning when I leave - grabbing my clothes and hurling themselves against the door when it closes. I LOVED the snow days when I got to stay home nearly a whole week with them, bake bread, do crafts and play in the snow. It terrible not being with them and I hate it every day.

I often wish I would get laid off so I would have a reason beyond my control to stay home with them.

As far as whether or not she was insulting you - I dont know. As far as I can tell, this is a touchy subject for most people and I avoid making any kind of comment on either side. When I talk with moms who work and feel good about their job, I say, "How wonderful!" and when I talk to moms who stay home, I say "How wonderful!"

If you are happy working part time and contributing to your family financially, it does not really matter what she thinks. She can feel happy about her choices and you can feel good about yours.

OH MY!!! Why do you care what some self-centered snot nosed brat thinks about you anyway?! She might have been TRYING to insult you - but really?! Her husband obviously doesn't think too highly of her!!

You are doing what you can for your family and your kids aren't in day care - this W. assumes (and we all know what happens when one assumes) that your kids go to day care and they don't.

There are moms who TRIED to be a SAHM and found it wasn't for them. It's not something that EVERY W. can do. There are moms who CANNOT NOT work (bringing in an income as we know that SAHMs WORK!!) but overall - who is she to judge what you do? There are moms who feel that it's their ONLY job to be a SAHM and can't see past their noses at other peoples situations!!!

It's sad that she can't see how good she has it - that they were able to afford a multi-million dollar home....but I wouldn't worry about her. Seriously. Stay focused and stay grounded!!!!

YOU GO!! Debt free! YAHOO!! (only debt we have is our mortgage!!)! Kids that have grandparents actively involved (mine live on the other side of the States, my FIL is 8 hours away and we won't go there!) MIL is dead and has been for 5 years). SO YOU GO!!! YOU ROCK!!

If she would "rather make sacrifices", then why is she bit@*& about losing the house? It sounds to me like she expects her husband to provide her with a dream life (which is clearly taking a toll on their marriage) and is resentful that he cannot. She sounds lazy, superficial and selfish not to mention condescending.

Aren't your kids at school anyway? I would have said: "I don't stay home right now because there's no need - my children aren't there, so this gives me the chance to get out and help contribute to our family". What is there to feel guilty about that?

I really struggled with going to work full time. I was consumed with guilt bc my mom stayed home w/four of us and we all sacrificed A LOT to make that possible. I felt that she would be disappointed in me for not staying home. My husband and I live well within our means but are still paying student loans, so staying home is not possible - yet. But my mom really took a tremendous load off me by reminding me that I am a wife FIRST. I promised to be a helpmate to my husband and releasing him from the sole burden of our finances is a way that I can do that. Our marriage is strong, respectful and happy. We tag-team all of our tasks w/DS when we get home and work our butts off - TOGETHER - to provide a home that is full of love and security. Our son is well-adjusted and healthy. I thank God for this every day.

I'll take our life over a mansion any day. What good is it when it's a source of strife? What kind of example is that for children? What does it teach them about relationships vs. "stuff" and mutual respect in marriage over entitlement, resentment and blame?

Someone wise (dangit, I forget...) said that "life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I respond to it" - all that to say, our lives are as happy as we choose to make them, no matter what the situation. I know plenty of people who stay home all day who are lousy parents.

You do what is best for your family. Besides you have the best of both
worlds just like I did. Don't let her bother you. She is ticked off that she had
to sell her mega mansion.

Typed out an answer, then read everyone elses, decided mine was redundant.

You handled it well, give yourself a hug.

I know you've already received a ton of responses (and I'll confess that I didn't have time to read them all), but I wanted to put in my two cents. I work part time too, for a company I worked for full-time in my pre-kid days. It's a very undemanding position, from home, a few hours per day. Sometimes I feel like I'm in no-man's-land - I don't work enough to be considered a working mom by other working moms, but my SAHM friends all have what seems like a lot more free time because they aren't tethered to their computers for 3 hours a day! However, I feel extremely blessed to be able to bring in some money and be home with my kids.

Now, all that said, I am a huge supporter of women working outside the home! I totally understand that some women would go stir crazy being home with their kids all day, or that some women just prefer to work (or have to) for financial reasons. I actually assumed I would be one of those women before I had kids. So I see nothing at all wrong with it, even if you chose to work full-time!

Your co-worker's wife is obviously just jealous and feeling very bitter about giving up her home. If I were you I would avoid her whenever possible, and ignore her words when you do come in contact with her.

Sweetie, It sounds like your life is just great! You have everything you need and no financial worries. And you are not living like you have it all, which is what it sounds like they were doing. Don't fret. Just be thankful. I'm a SAHM by choice. But if I had the opportunity that you have I would definitely be working part time. But I don't, so I don't.
Don't let her bitterness take you down.
EDITING!!!!
I'm adding something here...Not all SAHM think like Mallory and his wife. To each his own. If you work and choose to, GREAT! If you are at home and choose to, GREAT!
I've gotten it both ways. I'm educated, and can go to work right away, but again, I CHOSE NOT TO. AND I will be returning to work. I respect both Working and SAH Moms, because either way, the house, kids, and extras will always be our responsibility.

You've gotten a whole spectrum of answers, J., so I won't add mine. I just want to encourage some of the ladies on this site to maybe ease up on how personally they are taking some of these posts. I understand there are hot button issues and these things tend to get us wound up, but can we also choose to see that this is a post from J. about J.? The well-worn phrase "It's not about you" seems to apply. I'm preaching to myself as well!

I appreciate all the answers that give personal examples. I'm talking about the answers that obviously come from a place of anger. Reading through all the answers I was surprised at how much anger/resentment came across. I've been there too, and I've fallen into the same trap of reading a post, personalizing it, and answering out of all that emotion. I'm learning to step back, proof my answer before sending, sometimes even wait a while before sending and thus maybe remove some of that emotion.

Can I just say that I think this website is at its best and most useful when we aren't assuming we're being attacked and attacking back? Thanks for reading. I look forward to reading the emotional responses from people whom I have offended by asking them not to be offended;)

Sorry her life is going through an upheavial but that's no reason to take it out on you nor judge mother's all over the world as either being in the right or the wrong. So many mom's do not have the luxury of choosing to work or not.
This debate will always exist, just try not to let the opinion of people you barely know or in this case like affect your opinion of yourself as a mom. Do what is right or your family.

Listen... you're doing what you must for your family. Whether you work because you have to or because you want to, it's what your family needs. Be secure in that. What someone else does for their family has absolutely no bearing on your family. Their opinions mean nothing for your family. If they're willing to pay your bills and your mortgage then maybe they get a say but otherwise it's only the business of you and your partner.

When someone else comments on whether you're a working-out-of-the-home parent or a stay-at-home parent says more about how secure they are about their choices and their situation than it does about your own. The next time you feel verbally assaulted by someone making such judgments, I would simply reply with, "That's great for you and your family. I'm happy you can make it work for you right now" in the sweetest voice you can manage. Then change the subject.

Well heck. This is a complicated issue. I agree with someone else that said she is really just reacting to her own situation. I doubt she really is trying to offend you. She's trying to understand how you do what you do because it seems inconceivable to her.

Now, to those that think she's being selfish... It may appear that way and it sounds like she's mad at losing that disgusting display of wealth they had in a house. WHEW...I had to say it. No one needs to live in a house that big or special. In fact, in my own way of looking at life...nothing is worth that to me. I sold real estate. The market value of real estate is whatever an able and willing buyer is able and willing to pay and whatever an able and willing seller is able and willing to take. A house that special to everyone else is DUNG to me. Ick.

He's a creep and trust me I wanted to type something that would get me kicked off of mamapedia!! I say he's a creep because the fact that he could afford a 2.5 million dollar property for even a little while tells me he's making more than enough to support his family and I do believe any parent that can stay home with their child should. He shouldn't be expecting his wife to work so that he can stay in that ridiculous self endulgent lifestyle.

But can I also say that I HATE the way people act like daycare is so bad?!!!!! I love my daycare children and they are in no way deprived for spending time at my house.

well depends on how YOU look at things.. on the one hand, someone might say yes they are trying to make you feel bad.. on the other, look at what you said to them... after they told you they were having financial problems. you said, we live debt free. some might think you were rubbing that in their face..
point is... if you look to be offended, you can pretty much take offense at most things.... The way I see it is you feel bad for not staying home and the other mom would feel bad for leaving home... and neither of you understand the other's feelings with regard to the decisions that both families have made. therefore.... back to the beginning..... it's a matter of how you look at things...
If you truly deep down inside feel comfortable with your decision , then own it.... you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.. however, you also don't need to blame others for making you feel a certain way... that is your choice.. not theirs.. no one can make you feel something that you don't already feel in some way..