Are Sahms a Dying Breed?

My friend posted this on Facebook and I think it could help ALL of us...
“Instead of wishing you were someone else, be proud of who you are. You never know who has been looking at you wishing they were you.” Very True : )

Where I live, I sometimes feel that being a WOHM is a dying breed, so it all just depends on where you live. Don't be fooled by some of those moms - I certainly would not be proud that daycare taught my kids to potty train. That is not to say that they did not help me in this process, but I am the one who put quite a bit of work into it and they were there to assist. I think the norm is that moms are sad when their kids hit certain milestones there and not at home, but unfortunately that is the price we have to pay. I think you just need to find the right group of people to hang out with and some of these gals you talk about are not the ones!

My opinion is yes - SAHM's are a dying breed, particularly in the middle class.
I planned my whole life to be one, but it hasn't worked out that way. :(
The hubby and I continue to scheme and plan for a way for me to eventually be home, but in the back of my mind I have a sense that it probably isn't going to happen.
I am also noticing more and more - I was just posting on here about it the other day in fact - elementary school kids actually WANT to go to after school care instead of having mom pick them up right after school - because all their friends go there. It is becoming the new norm.
Just my honest opinion.

Here's some good advice: Never make decisions for your own life based on what someone else has, does, thinks or suggests. And never compare your life to someone elses. That will only breed discontent, envy and uncertainty.

You've gotta live with the woman in the mirror and if you feel good about your choices, you're doing the right thing.

There's no "O. right way" to be mother!

Just realize that the working moms out there also don't want your tears or pity because they are also doing what's right for them and their family as well, right?

Wanna know something funny - it might seem that the other moms look down on you b/c you're not working outside of the home, but it's also quite possible that at least a few of them are feeling ambivalent and/or insecure about working outside the home and are trying to convince themselves they made the right decision, and that's what ends up coming across as looking down on SAHMs. JMO but I think part of the SAHM/WOHM tension comes from the notion that if we just tried a little harder we could have the perfect balance of time with the kids AND maintain a rewarding career outside the home, but IRL most if not all of us will find that we have to make imperfect compromises in either or both areas (and beat ourselves up over it because we think that we SHOULD be able to do both perfectly)

I can remember one video my church women's group watched that summed up our tendency to think that others have it all together - the speaker had us imagine a hypothetical stoplight where a mom in a minivan with her kids is in one lane and a single childless businesswoman in a sporty sedan is in the other. The mom is looking at the businesswoman and thinking of how poised and confident she looks, with the sharp clothes and car that isn't covered in cheerios and melted crayon, while the businesswoman is looking at the mom and thinking something like "she's lucky she can wear sweats and tennies and dang these shoes are killing me and will I ever have time to find a husband and start a family".

Like others have said, your decision to be a SAHM *shouldn't* make you feel uneasy, esp. if you and your DH have agreed that it's the best option for your family at this time. Every family should be able to make the decision that works best for them without worry over others' opinions. And please don't say you're "not working" - as a SAHM you're always on call! (I get a bit peeved when people think of "working" as only a paid thing so when they ask if I work I say yes I work even though it's not a paying job ;-)).

Personally, I've found being a SAHM to be more rewarding than I expected (I'm not a natural "kid person" - never babysat or changed a diaper before my own kids were born) - being able to spend time with my kids, reading and doing crafts with them and witnessing their milestones and seeing their personalities develop IMO has felt more significant to me than what I did in my paid career (pharmaceutical QA). And as they've gotten older and their natural curiosity is expressed in all sorts of questions about science, nature, history, etc, I find my brain is stretched at least as much as when I was in industry. I tell other SAHMs "Anyone who thinks a SAHM is 'wasting' her college degree has never had to deal with the questions of a curious elementary schooler"!

I think you are just letting a lot of self-doubt eat at you because of what "everyone else is doing" and what everyone else is doing should not matter one bit. There was another post on here earlier today that seemed to spur another debate about SAHMs vs. WOHMs and it was interesting to read everyone's responses. It's really about what works for you and your family and whatever anyone else thinks should not matter. For some moms (including me) it doesn't make sense to NOT work, in a way. I have way too much invested in my education and career to be able to put it on hold to stay home with my daughter full-time. I am fortunate that I earn enough to support us while my husband can stay home with our daughter AND that my schedule still allows me to spend plenty of time at home with her too. If there are women who have had careers in the medical field or in law, who have the income to justify the expense of day care, they are probably the ones less likely to give it up for any significant length of time; if you have worked for non-profits with relatively low pay and minimal benefits, giving it up to be a SAHM probably makes more sense. I am not trying to start another debate here, only pointing out that what works for one person and one family may not work for another.

Being a SAHM will only bother you if you allow it to bother you. And I am guessing that you are feeling more self-conscious around these other moms because they appear more "accomplished" or whatever. But if you could go back and do things over again, would you have done anything differently? Would you consider returning to work (even part-time) once your kids in school if you felt it would help you feel more fulfilled? Or can you start trying to seek out a mom's group in your area so you can see you are not the only SAHM out there?

Do what makes you happy. And quit worrying about what you think everyone else is thinking "because those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind". Women in general need to stop feeling guilty about every decision and choice that they make. Working moms feel guilty for working and not being home with their kids while you are feeling guily for NOT working! Can we all just stop the insanity? It's time to get off the Guilt Train!

EDITED TO ADD: If you think that some stay-at-home moms don't get the respect they deserve, try being a stay-at-home DAD! :)

I am a SAHM.
Some people don't make good SAHM's and they go to work. It's okay. Everyone does what is best for them and their family. Don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides.
What you see, may not be exactly how they feel...
I don't feel guilty that my husband is the sole provider. I do the hard stuff -- the doctors, the dentist, the meetings, the cookie baking, the volunteering. That said, he has never missed an event or performance the kids were involved in. If the kids are involved in an activity - he is there. He has missed nothing and he pities those parents who miss so much.
What I'm trying to say is this: You are there. Your kids will appreciate it. Trust me on this. I see the kids whose parents aren't ever at anything. Those kids -- they call me mom... I hug them. I love them. I treat them as I do my own. I give them bandaids. I zip up their band uniforms. I help them tie their shoes and fix their instruments. I make sure they are all watered and fed. My kids share me because they know they have me all the time and they know what those kids are missing.
Be the SAHM. Do not feel guilty.
You are doing an important job for your kids and your family.
LBC

Life is too short to care about what other people think of what you're doing.

As yourself these questions:

Are you happy staying at home?
Are you meeting your family's needs by doing so?

If yes, then what's the problem?

If no, then you need to evaluate what you need to do to change it.

Quit comparing yourself to others - nothing good will ever come of it. And stop crying over choices that other people make for their families! If it works for them, who are you to judge?

I am a SAHM.
I have, NEVER ever been treated that way, because I am a SAHM.
ALL of my friends work.
They treat me nicely.
No one, has ever made noxious comments to me, about being a SAHM.
I am fulfilled.
I know who I am.
A traditional job or not, does NOT make me, of value or not.
I don't care what others are doing... I am me.
I am a SAHM, too.
I know I am worthy... and am doing something of value.
My Husband does too.
Even if he is not always perfect in attitude.

Sorry if in your town, others treat you that way.
It is pathetic.
Do NOT let them... make you feel pathetic.
They are, just putting you down.

I think that your area is very different than mine. I live in Gilbert, Arizona. Here, every other house has a SAHM. And most of us are pinching pennies and have more than 2 kids. I don't feel disrespected for it at all. I have always wanted to stay home with my kids if it could be done. My husband barely makes enough to provide for us, but if I worked, my salary would pay for daycare only. So, we just live simply and get by. I don't feel dumb about it. I worked for 7 years before my first was born and I plan to get back to it after my last is in first grade. I consider it a blessing and try to cherish every precious minute with them. I know women who work and use daycare. I don't find them any less loving of their children. Mostly, they just don't have the patience to stay home all day, or they love their jobs too much, or their family needs the income- lots of reasons. I think a women just needs to respect their own feelings and stop worrying about others. That being said, it sounds lonely to be a SAHM in Portland. Sorry.

Maybe stay at home moms are a dying breed.
I know long married couples where both husband and wife have to work in order to make ends meet.
It's a sign of the times.
Many can't make it on one income.
Many times the mothers are the ones who earn the most.
Why are you fighting back tears about someone else having something that worked for THEM?

Don't compare yourself to what works for others.
Don't judge, lest ye be judged.
If you don't feel fulfilled, you can still have kids and take classes even online. You can still be involved in things.

If staying home is right for you, then don't give it a second though regardless of what others do.
Don't judge them either.
Simple.

Here's a demographic study presented by USAToday from a few years ago. http://www.usatoday.com/news/bythenumbers/2004-11-30-cens...

As expected, the families with 2 stay at home parents come almost entirely from 2 groups:

- Those who can afford to live on one income (top 5%)
- Those who wouldn't make enough to pay for daycare (bottom 25%)

((The study didn't count families who work opposite shifts in their data))

5.4 million families (children under the age of 15) out of 23 million families (in2004, so before massive unemployment) means that

5.4 ................ x
___...............___
23 ................100

x = 23.47, or 24, or durn close to 1 out of every 4 families has a stay at home parent

Course, you and I, living in Seattle and Portland, mean we're about 1:100 along with other major cities like LA, NY, Chi, while in less and MORE expensive areas you'll find the ratio being 9:10.

I wanna map. I wanna map with this data (technically, data from say, last year instead of 7 years ago) all laid out with pretty colors. I mean, it's rather predictable, but I still want it.
________________________________________________________

It's hard being a cliche (the whole "Marching to the beat of a different drummer" or "Swimming upstream"). It's just so much EASIER when "people are like us".

But remember, whether you're a working parent in an area with mostly SAHPs, or a SAHP in a dual income area... MOST of the population would look at your job and cringe and swear they could NEVER DO THAT!!! Too right; they'd be scared/ bored/ grossed out/ incompetant/ whatever. If everyone did the same thing we'd have a nation consisting entirely of cops, or garbage men, or childcare providers, or accountants, or whatever. Instead: We go, hopefully, where our talents lie. Failing that, we go where we have to. Thank goodness. I would SHOOT myself if I HAD to be an accountant. But do you know who one of my favorite people ever is? My accountant. And my garbage man. And the local and federal law enforcement officers. And, and, and, and. I NEED those people. I could just never in a million years do their job well, much less do their job and be happy.

I wish stay at home Moms and working Moms would quit looking down on each other.
What ever way works best for you is what's right for you and if it's working - who cares what anyone else thinks?
So what if what's best for someone else is not the same as yourself?

Some women get really stir crazy being with infants day in/day out - and once grown - people do not remember much before their 7th year. Do you remember your own potty training? What's important is you eventually got out of diapers - not who trained you.
There's nothing wrong with having a career and providing for your family.

Some women want to be with their kids every waking minute from birth to kindergarten (and beyond if they home school). They thrive on it and are lucky to have a support system so they can afford to stay home.
Sometimes the luck runs out - spouse dies, divorce happens and suddenly they have to support the family and getting a job is hard if you never had one before or haven't had one in a long time.

Neither way is wrong or right - it's a matter of what works best for you and your family.

I know many stay-at-home and working moms. Both experience delimmas with their choice. I'm not sure there is ease either way. I think its unproductive to question other's choices but I think it is great to question one's own ... keeps us on our toes about our own agenda:)

I feel i have the best of both worlds because I can schedule my work around my daughter's school, time with dad or grandparents. Otherwise, we're together.

I like I said, I think there is nothing wrong with questioning your choice, but really look at why you are: Are you unfulfilled? Is it a comparason of what others are doing? Do you feel valued and validated?

If you do actually feel like this is what you want to do, throw back your shoulders and be proud of your decision because it is well thought out and true to you and your family! State it with pride, make no apologies.

Maybe it depends on where you live. There are lots of SAHM's in my area. Sounds like it would be good for you to find some other mom's who stay home. Join a mom's group or playgroup so you can find new friends that share your lifestyle.

It's always hard when you dont feel like you fit in. We all feel like that at some point in our lives - remember middle and high school - ugh. Things will change, they always do. I think most SAHM have the hardest, most thankless jobs around. You give up yourself for everyone else. I am not a SAHM, sometimes I want to be, sometimes not - wonder if others feel that way. ;) I do feel like I miss out on her, but I also feel like me working teaches her things that I wouldnt be able to otherwise.
Anyway, life is full of hard choices, none with right or wrong answers - you just have to know that the one you make is the one that is right for your situtation. Remember situtations change too - so dont let the past hold you back from your future, maybe those feelings youre having is yourself saying it needs more - school is starting soon - maybe get a parttime gig while they are away.

Hi G.L.
I'm a SAHM and haven't held a outside job since 2003. My husband and I made that decision long before having children and we wanted our kids to be home schooled as well. I agree that you can certainly feel "out of the loop" with what seems normal by today's standards by being at home living the more "domesticated" life and being dependent on someone else (hubby) for the finances. But what I see here in your post is you coveting your neighbor and claiming the victim role. Most people don't have the comfort of even being able to stay at home as a choice. You do, that's one step better in my book. Your comparing your life to someone else s. I'm not sure why you would have to fight off the tears when your neighbor said she was proud she didn't have to potty train or teach her child nor do I understand why a person would say such a thing in the first place. I think that just sounds kind of strange. I mean who wouldn't want to be a part of their children s life but for someone that didn't want them. I think sometimes working moms are struggling with guilt themselves and need to say things to somehow feel better about their situation. Some moms work out of the home and like it. Some do not. Some moms like to stay at home. Some do not. It's a personal decision.It's just more moms work outside of the home and so us SAHM can feel outdated and isolated. I have a small group of friends and we have a playgroup. We've been together since our kids where very young. Some have worked on and off through the years and two of them are attending college now and one has her own make up line and salon and two of us continue to be at home with our children. Bottom line they are my support. We don't make each other feel superior for doing one thing or another. We are moms. We love our children and do the best we can and keeping them happy, healthy and ourselves sane ;) I would be very guarded with who you are comparing yourself with. That's not a wise thing to do when you are only doing it with moms that are NOT doing what you are. Sounds like to me that you need some support and friendship of the more "healthy" nature and that has more of a balanced view of life. I would suggest getting on the internet and finding playgroups in your area. Also if you are spending alot of time in the house, get out! Isolation can make you think very unrealistically. You need some common ground to stand on for a while. Then if you still feel unsatisfied with your decision sit down and talk to hubby about what your options are.
Life is not just one color. It's many colors coming together to make a painting. Don't worry, yours is beautiful no matter how you paint it ;)
C.

Stop right there! You are doing the MOST important, time consuming, frustrating, demanding, rewarding job in the world! Raising your child is NOT easy. When your children grow up, they will remember being with you, not a nanny, daycare or some other irrelevant person. The bond that you are creating by staying home is something the children of your neighbors (who in my opinion sound like they just had kids to paint that pretty picture of the happy family with 2.5 kids, a dog and a picket fence...) will not have when they remember their childhoods. It is important for me as a SAHM, that I cherish the moments of "teachable" situations like potty training, learning letters, numbers, etc... Not that doing this was not hard or frustrating, but when the task is accomplished by the child, the reward for me is so much greater. Now I'm not saying a working mom is a bad thing, and there have been moments where I wished I was a working mom. But given the choice for a daycare or nanny to see my child's milestones, or me? That's a no brainer for me. Give yourself a break. Go out with some real, true friends who will make you feel good about what you're doing by staying home. Watch this video - it will make you feel better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

Most FT working moms I know wish they weren't working FT. Most would like PT but not usually FT. So likely they're conflicted themselves and just putting out a good front. I work FT and dont' at all look down on SAHM's unless they complain a lot. Some that I know act like they have the hardest job in the world and I'm not sure if it's defensiveness on their parts. Some SAHM's DO have the hardest job in the world. But many I know don't... They have one or two older children, help from nannies or grandmothers etc and still farm their kids out to other moms or some kind of childcare. If they just said "yeah, it's great I'm home and have some time to myself." I'd be fine with it. Instead, their snide comments about how much harder it is to be at home get to me. My job is 24/7 too bc my job is professional and being a mom. I get up at night, I put my kids to bed, do all the dinner dishes etc. So we're ALL working 24/7. If you're happy with what you're doing, don't let the other moms bother you. A friend was just talking about meeting some old friends who now stay home and they said how it's great - they're more relaxed, do some fun volunteer stuff, get some time to themselves, can focus on their kids etc. Any working mom who is secure herself will think that's great, maybe not for her but a nice life. If she's not secure, then she may try to put it down... Or, if you're defensive with working moms so talk about how being a SAHM is harder, then maybe they're just reacting to that.

As long as your husband is happy with the arrangement you two decided upon together, WHO CARES what the other wives think??

I'm a SAHM and my husband WANTS it that way. He is not controlling or anything negative like that, he just agrees with me that it is better for our kids for me to be home with them as much as possible. Since it is possible for me to be here full time, I am. And of course there will be moments when you are 2nd guessing your choice, but that is true about any and everything. Doesn't mean you made the wrong one.

Where I live it seems it's turing into one...my oldest is just about 15 and I've never stayed at home, just the way my life worked out. Anyway, when we left daycare and went to regular school, I was the one looked down on. In the last 10 years or so though, all those that looked down on me have had to go to work and suddenly it became acceptable to be a working mom. I never had a problem when they looked down on me. I did a ton with my kids when they were little. Because my husband and I worked, evenings and weekends were filled with family activities, and I have no regrets and my kids never asked for anything to be different. We've always had a great life and made great memories. No one should judge either choice, I think everyone does the best they can.

I guess I'll tell you what I tell my only daughter...Families are different. If it works for you and your family, wonderful. Who cares what other people say. Just the same way I am paid outside the home (still have the home responsibilities too) should be fine. Be confident in your family's choice!!

SAHM is my chosen career and I do a good job. If you need to feel like you "earn money" for you're family, add up the cost of childcare, transportation, occasional maid service, increased eating out and other expenses that your family would require if you had a different full-time job.

Then sit back and enjoy those bonbons. ;-)

LOL we probably are a dying breed. Personally I think there was a lot less violence and a lot less kids shooting eachother when Stay home parenting (mom or dad) was a norm though. I love my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes :) but I wouldnt trade being able home with them and seeing there milestones for all the money in the world. Screw the people who look down on you! Your kids and your job (its a job no doubt about it) is YOUR business. And as long is your DH is ok with being the only provider for now, enjoy the time you have with them!

I was the only SAHM on the block we just moved away from and trust me, I was loved by all. I was the only mom that could run a report that was left on the dining room table to the child that would've lost 25 pts or pick up the children from early dismissal. It didn't always seem like much, but when I had 6 children in my van singing along to a good 80's tune, life didn't get any better then that. Or when we were all sleigh riding when the parents were stuck in traffic because of the snow or at my house baking or making dinner for the parents, I was loving life. Sure there were many days that I would've loved to have been the one getting the big paycheck, but I would've missed so much of their lives. I actually know more about most of their children then their parents do and I wouldn't trade it for all of the tea in China. My house became known as Camp Chaos in the summers and I will be opening a Family Day Care named the same - I just can't go by the Crazy Lady anymore! And if you ask me, you are doing something wonderful for yourself and your family - you are giving them you - all of you.

My DIL is a stay at home mom. But she is VERY busy and involved in many activist groups, has a vegan blog, and is my granddaughters full time teacher. She is the only mom that stays home in her fancy schmancy neighborhood and gets the looks and remarks on occasion. She doesnt let it bother her tho. She has a bachelors degree in Economics and will probably go back to work one day when she feels the need to. She also doesnt let the other neighborhood moms treat her like she has nothing else to do but watch their kids or cart them here or there. She has a full time job being Savannah's mommy and that's enough for her and she lets everyone know that.

I fail to see why it matters so much in this day and age. You have SAHM websites at your fingertips any time of the day or night if you and your husband can afford internet, which I'm assuming you do. Do you have a car?

What's dying out is the day when people do anything close to home. Neighborhoods by and large are simply areas that houses are close together. People don't get close to their neighbors. Why would we want to? Just look through these boards to see all the posts about neighbor kids that won't leave people alone and neighbors that call the city on people all the time. People are scared because websites tell us where the sexually deviant live.

You need to do what's working for you and you will be as fulfilled as you and God have you to be. I am a firm believer that we each have a calling that God wants us to be in for a season in life. He has a plan that if we would follow would go very well for us because that's his plan. But that plan can and does change as time goes on sometimes. SAHM may be great for you for a time. Maybe there will be something ELSE later. Notice, I didn't say MORE.

I went through years and years of my husband pushing me and nagging me to find something else to do and be ready when daycare wasn't right for me anymore. I kept looking and trying things and he tried to help. But he wasn't any help. His job is all consuming and I was on my own with the house, kids, daycare, and trying to pursue other things. That's stupid, too much stress and it was NOT what God has graced me to do.

The other day my husband was complaining about how much money the government took out of his bonus check. I told him to stuff it because he always takes a nice vacation each year and I can't even take a day off and still pay the appointed bills that are mine to pay. He told me that I should have chosen a career that would give me vacations and bonuses. He told me that he TOLD me to do that. GAHH The man was right there ready, willing, and able to treat me like the household servant any time he needed me to oversee projects, get up nights with all our kids, pay half and sometimes more than half of the day to day expenses. I'm NOT able to put my trust in my husband which is not God's way. But it's reality.

You are here to do what GOD put you here for. Figure out what that is. Then do it to your best ability.

I'm a full-time working mom, and I'm pretty sure my children will survive. As far as I know, none of the working moms I know ever think about this issue... I don't. People who can stay home, and are fulfilled by being a SAHM are lucky. I wasn't cut out for it, but my children are well loved, cared for, and we have special time everyday together. You just do what you do, and don't even think about how others are living their lives.

EDIT: Wow, after reading a few of these responses I feel that perhaps some people are looking down on working moms. It seems that us working parents are now actually responsible for increased shootings?? The divide between working moms and SAHMs never worried me, I didn't think about it. I've been both. I'd like to remind everyone that just because some moms work, doesn't mean we stop being mothers. We're there for the night-time fevers, we go to the school plays and athletics carnivals, we teach our children how to use the potty and wash their hands, we teach our children manners and we take them swimming. We love our children every bit as much as SAHMs. We just do it slightly differently.

Maybe you just need to expand your horizons and look for some support from people outside of your neighborhood. In my neighborhood I am one of just a few SAHMs, but at my son's pre-school I am just one of MANY SAHMs. It is so nice to be able to meet people who are sharing that experience, and who don't judge me because I don't have a job outside of the home (for now.)

I know one thing. I have never ever heard a mother say that if she could go back and do it all over again she would not spend as much time with her children. I know I am looked down on because I refuse to go make money outside the house. I don't care. My children are treasures beyond any monitory wealth I could ever hope to gain. My mother was gone a lot when we were little. I remember thinking I would give anything to be able to see her. Be proud of the decision you have made. You can always go out and make money but you can never go back and get that time with your children.

As a SAHM for 12 years now I can relate to how you are feeling. Yes, we are the minority, so it seems. At first the plan was for me to stay home with our kids at least through the first three years. As time went on the plan changed a little bit and we decided I would stay home with our kids indefinitely, homeschooling them through high school. So yeah, I have grown quite comfortable being a little "different". It is not always easy or comfortable and we have sacrificed a lot to make it happen. We have to live cheap, in a manufactured home driving vehicles that are well over 10 years old. I know to the core of my being that this is the right decision for our family but it is challenging to keep perspective. Over the years I have needed to actively create a support network of friends. Additionally, I seek out any kind of literature, from books to blogs, that encourage and inspire me to keep going. Above all else, my husband is the best source of encouragement - knowing we are in it together, believing in what we are doing. It is an ongoing process and yes, I know there are lots of people out there who will never understand.
So all this to say, embrace who you are - the best mom you know how to be! No amount of money will ever be able to buy that for your kids. And remember, no one can make you feel infurior without your permission.

You know what? Let the other mom's look down on you - you are getting something NO PAYCHECK CAN EVER compensate you for what you are getting - time with your kids....you get to see those first steps...

My hubby is the sole bread winner of the family and is unemployed right now...but during this time, he is getting time with his kids that he normally wouldn't get...and has become envious of me for the time I do get...

The moms who HAVE to work - they are saying those things to you as a defense mechanism because I bet deep down - maybe not even deep - they are regretting what they are missing out on...

If these friends fill "unfulfilled" it's because they had the wrong expectations about what being a SAHM is....many thought it was going to be peaches and cream....but it wasn't so - they were disillusioned and instead of trying to fix their expectations - they decided to go the easy route and go back to work...

There are some moms who would LOVE to stay home...I have a GF who envies me - even though her son will be 13 this year - she envies that I get to spend so much time with him...I take a lot of pics for her - not to rub it in her nose - but to see that I'm doing what I can to make sure her son is having fun!!!

DO NOT feel guilty!!
DO NOT feel dumb - you ARE working...you just aren't getting paid to do it...you are leading by example and showing your kids how you want them to be...you are doing what some cannot...it's not easy!!!

YOU GO!!!

I feel a bit of what you are feeling, but at the same time extremely thankful for being able to stay home with my kids. However, I do experience an identity crisis quite often. But not enough to get me back into an office for 10+ hours a day. If I had the ability not to be so black or white, I would do something parttime to appease myself. I've considered working from home, but the options I have found are not worth the time and effort. It's all or nothing for me, I wish I were more flexible, but I'm not when it comes to this particular subject. I do volunteer and help out wherever possible for free and enjoy it most of the time. I like collating a thousand binders and getting the TEACHERS coffee...LOL! I know what you're saying about feeling like a shmuck sometimes, but that is a sacrifice we make to be with our kids. They are only with us for such a short time and I cherish everything they do. I love that I don't have to "cram" everything in the 2 to 3 hours before bedtime. We have the day to get things done, the way we like it. We get to teach our children the things WE value. Even though we're knee deep in boogers, we get to see the sunshine several hours out of each day. It's a different life being home, and takes some adjusting and humbling. We don't have anyone feeding our egos throughout the day to the contrary, we are being told what to do and that we're not doing it right :)

You will experience some resentment here and there and will hear little indirect digs about being a SAHM, but don't let it get you down. YOU made the choice to be home with your kids, and it's a good choice that not everyone can do. My working friends don't get how I can do what I do. We agree to disagree and not judge. Don't let your patronizing neighbors rain on your parade!!! Now go bake some cookies, because you can...LOL!

Do not EVER let other people make you feel bad about you, and what you are doing for you and your family. You ARE making a difference in your family by choosing to be a stay at home mom. You probably dont realize what you really are doing.

As un-glamorous as it sounds, being a SAHM IS YOUR JOB.

You stay home to take care of your family, you do all the things the other mom's pay other people to do for them. YOU are saving money for your family by doing it yourself. Take pride in what you do! You dont need to have a high paying job, or a job at all to make yourself feel fulfilled. Good for you, you should feel happy about that!

Just because they seem like they are looking down on you, let them. They are most likely jealous because you are able to stay home. And jealous that you feel fulfilled enough to do all that on your own without having to look for more. And sad to say yes, being a SAHM is a dying breed so to say, because it is become normal for both parents to work, and to put kids in day care. Its just how it is anymore.

It is so sad to me that people are proud that someone else taught their child to do stuff. It is something we should want to do. I want the pride in knowing that I taught my child to do what he does. It reflects well on me as a mother, and it warms my heart when I see how proud of himself he is that he learned something new. I wouldnt trade that for all the money in the world.

Money ISNT everything!! Never let those stuck up Mom's make you feel bad for your choices for your family. You are doing what is best for YOUR family, and they are doing what they think is best.

So when one of those Mom's tell you they are proud that someone else taught their children, just tell her that you are proud that YOU taught YOUR children and that its something wonderful that you are able to share that bond with your kids. Guess its not important to some people but it is to you.

Look at this as a blessing. You are blessed to be able to be a SAHM, and you should take PRIDE in what you do, and shouldnt let anyone make you doubt yourself in your decisions.

Be happy!! :)

You should check out some meet up groups in Portland (I'm in the Beaverton area). There's a great support system in the SAHM or part time working mom's groups.

I understand how you feel in kind of feeling "out of place" where other moms are talking about work and you've got diapers and clothes to change and clean.

Don't worry, things fall into place and you'll find the right set of friends to help you!

Don't sell yourself short because of what others think! Obviously this is something that matters to you or you wouldn't have chosen it.
I am also a SAHM, and one of my BF's is always saying "It must be nice to stay home" well yes it is. But up until recently we sacrificed ALOT so that I could. But my husband finished up his second degree and we are now very comfortable. At times I feel guilty that it's only his income, or that i should be doing more with my life. But then I realize raising my kids myself trumps anything else I could be doing. If it's possible for one parent to stay home with the kids, then thats what you should do! Some families have to have both parents work. But if you can raise your own children, isnt that the point of having them?

I'm one of the few moms in my neighborhood who work. I'm totally out of the loop with the goings on because of it. I don't care for me, but I feel bad because my daughter is left out of a lot of things because of it. It really depends on your city/neighborhood whether or not there are a lot of SAHMs. Based on the amount of daytime activities for kids here, I'd say SAHMs outnumber those who work full-time.

It's a very personal decision for many. I was a SAHM for 4 years, and it was about 2 years too long in many respects and one year too short in others. Bottom line -financially it was a HUGE struggle, and it's SO much better now! Also, I'm better personally when working outside the home. I have friends though, who hope to never "work" again because they love it -and they have 3 -4 kids! That would send me off screaming into the night...

I also think it depends on where you live. I live in the city -very close to downtown Atlanta-and I was surprisedthere are as many SAHMs as there are. There are MANY -and lots of SAHDs too! You can be a great parent either way -it just depends on your wants and personality. And lets also not forget -some families have to have two incomes even to get by without public assistance! You never know anyone when it comes to money, and some of your neighbors may be deeply in debt. I also have to say that if I had put in the work and time to attain a law degree or become a doctor or an executive, I wouldn't have stayed home at all. That's a lot of time and money to step back and have to start over at square one in a few years. People can only make you feel bad if you let them. If you're happy staying at home, then enjoy it, but realize that many of us are happier working and we're still good and devoted parents.

Sweetie, live your life. I'm too busy living to notice if anyone is looking at me, down their nose or otherwise. Love your husband, love your children, and live. Your husband has blessed you with an incredible gift of being home with your family to care for them full time. Relish in that, and enjoy your life. Don't waste one more minute worrying about what anyone else may or may not be thinking about you. Chances are, they think you look down on them because they work and don't potty train their children. :) Love the life you have, and be thankful. Let your joy and thankfulness be the first thing people notice about you. And, you are doing something wonderful and incredibly special for your family! Blessings!

Be proud that you are able to stay at home. I was a SAHM for many years until finances forced me to go to work part time, just to make ends meet. There are many times I wish I didn't have to work. Yes, it is nice to have the additional income, but if we could have the same household income and I was still able to stay home, I'd give up my job in a heartbeat. Being there to raise our kids is much more important than the material things money can buy. Children grow up so fast and money can't buy back the time lost with our children.

It sounds like maybe you need to make some new friends! MANY of the moms of kids who are in my kids classes HAVE to work. I have several friends who do not work. But around us, it seems like many do.

Maybe these moms DO have to work - due to bills, student loans, etc. Plus I think some people "missed out" on seeing the benefits of being a SAHM. I thought I'd be a career mom too, but when I didn't know how my daughter had napped, how she ate, etc. I felt I was missing out.

I respect that different people have different views on working or not. Don't let those moms put YOU down. OK if they don't want to potty train or teach their kids. Try not to take it personally.

See if you can find a "mommy's group" in your area. Join the local YMCA and take your child to weekday, daytime swim lessons and meet some other moms there. Maybe if you find other SAHMs you'll feel reassured by your choice.

BTW - I too have felt "disconnected" with many of the working moms I've met. They seem to be all about their time at the gym/working out, vacations they're going on, etc. I have a hard time believing that they are willing to go work out and dump their child in child care AGAIN after being at work all day away from them. I think I'm just wired differently.

Please stop beating yourself up over the decision you have made for yourself and your family. Don't let the ignorance of others taint your decision to take on the hardest job in the world of being a SAHM.

I want to encourage you. If you want to take some classes in whatever then do that. If you want to start a business from your home then do that. If you want to discover a new and more fulfilling life for yourself the desires of others cannot and should not dictate what that will look like for you. Talk to your true friends and family that are supportive and encouraging to you. Talk to your husband. Everyone has some kind of skill, talent or ability that they can hone to become the best authentic them they can be. What do you have and are cultivating while you are a SAHM? You don't want to wake up one day and the kids are gone and you don't know what to do because you have poured all of you into them. Find something for yourself separate from the kids that will help to build your confidence and expand your world and bring new supportive people into you life.

I hope this helps.

Dear G.,

You have chosen the toughst of all careers being a stay at home mom. You don't get to see the benefits for years, your pay is low, the conversations at "the office" are at the very least not mentally stimulating, and you are not supported by your peers. I think you should be proud of your choices and let others choose the path they feel best for them. You may wish to start a SAHM meet up group for SAHM with children of ALL ages, ot just the under 1 year, or up to 3 variety. I think you might find a LOT of moms out there who might feel similar, and with whom you can share stimulating conversation, anecdotes, and war stories. Keep smiling,a nd keep doing what you're doing.

T. Nelson CD

I'm a SAHM, and there are many other SAHMs out there (evidently just not in your neighborhood). I think you just need to make new friends. Start going to playgroups and story time @ the library- you're bound to make friends with other SAHMs there.

For what it's worth, I think you ARE doing something wonderful for yourself and your family. Please don't let yourself feel guilty. =o)

You are doing something wonderful. I work full time and overall enjoy my career, but i know that i am missing out on a lot of my son's life and development. It is exhausting keeping up with work and trying to spend most of my free time making sure i focus on and pay attention to my son (and DH). I worry that i wont be around after school on bad days or when he is tempted to do stuff he shouldn't- my mom was always home with cookies and a hug... and a firm NO if needed. I always thot my mom was dumb for choosing to be a SAHM (grew up in era of 80's materialism :) ) and i always wanted a career. I have to say tho, since having my son, i find every year that she is wise in more and more ways.
While i would still not choose to be a SAHM (my personality), I am a better person b/c my mom did, and hindsight being what it is, choosing a less demanding career path to have more time for my son looks like a good option.

Don't second guess yourself for doing what is right for you and your family, as long as you do feel that it's the right choice. It would really help for you to find SAHMs to be friends with so you have ppl you can relate to. I'm not saying abandon your friends, but find a new one or take a class/group activitiy during the workday so you can support your SAHM side. and remember that we live in the FB society, where everyone always presents their "persona", but that doesn't mean you know what goes on in their lives behind that. Ppl spin things to sound good all the time. we have friends who seemed to have a 'perfect marriage' that we found out a cpl weeks ago are getting divorced and have been miserable for years. You rarely know the full story on anyone else, so don't let their choices determine your life- just do the best you can to make sure you are doing what is best for you and your family.
enjoy being there to see your kids grow up!

I think they are, I'm one of a few. I think the 2 big causes of it are:

1. The cost of living has increased but wages have gone up slightly so they have to work to provide for their families.

2. If their DH can provide for the family they feel like they need to have something for themselves and being at home isn't fulfilling enough.

I've had to work full-time before but now DH wants me to stay at home.

I don't think it will ever die out. It may decrease because women are being raised with the words, you can do whatever you want. They can make choices so ya choose what you want to do, stay at home with your little ones or work or anything in between (part time, work at home, etc). You live in Portland which is very much a working place/city. I would be a SAHM if I weren't a single mom. That's sad and ridiculous a mom was proud she didn't potty train or teach her child abcs. Don't get working moms twisted babe, that's a personality thing with that mom. I'm potty training my daughter without any daycare right now and I have taught her abcs, 1-10 in english and spanish, shapes/colors, and lots more and I am not a stay at home mom (she's 2 1/2). I spend as much time as possible with her. I don't just love her, I like her. I enjoy her company. You ARE doing something wonderful for you and your family. Being a mom, truly being a mom and teaching abcs/123s and potty training, is the hardest job in the world and it is probably the most thankless one. I can tell you raising a child is harder than any job, including the Marine Corps lmao, your not only protecting and nourishing the child you are also responsible for how they are raised and trying to instill good things in them. Don't feel pressured by other moms, you do you. Your doing great being a stay at home mom and some moms feel great being a working mom, but that one mom who was proud that she wasn't raising her own child in those ways is not the mold at all. Portland has some interesting people sometimes lol.

Hello,

Well I for one really envy you. This was just not something I could do because my husband didn't make enough money to cover our bills if I didn't work. I'm also a professional, but I think taking time out to enjoy and concentrate on your kids is the most important job in the world. I'm afraid these other moms for some reason need some kind of validation from their career. In my opinion, no career suffers for a parent taking a few years out to raise their kids and take care of their family, but many kids and families suffer for moms who think their career is threatened if they take time out to take care of their personal life. It also sounds like your neighbors are seeking some rationalizations for their choices. But a child/ren need parents more than they need anything else. I'm afraid our values are skewed as a society and there are many sneers against children and it is tragic.

I hope you regain confidence in your decision, but I believe when your children are older and you are closer to them than your neighbors are to theirs, and they are a joy to be with and secure, confident, and accomplished, you will be able to see how valuable you have been to your family. I would do just about anything to be able to be with my kids all the time.

Yes, but I think mainly because we have no choice. More and more people are required to become a two income family just to survive. I am a stay at home mom, my husband works for the Navy as an contractor. Let me tell you, I think we have faced more turmoil about whether or not he will get a paycheck working for the gov than anywhere I have worked! Seriously, I am thinking about getting a job just so I can make sure we have some sort of income coming in since our government can't seem to get it together.

if being a sahm is the mom you want to be then do it, shrug off what you think the others may be thinking and hold your head up high! theres no wrong answer to what kind of mom you should be! whether youre working or staying home with the kids (as long as you arent abusing your kids, of course!)
just in case it counts for something, i am a sahm and not even my hubby brings home a hefty paycheck! i am going to go back to school soon to finish my degree but once i do i dont want to enter the workforce, no way. i want to have an independent career that includes my children when i feel like it. someday that will happen.
good luck!

I didn't have time to read the other answers, but just wanted to say I cried when the babysitter took a video of my daughter the first time she crawled and I missed it! I would LOVE to be able to be a SAHM but financially, as a single mother, it just isn't possible.

You are doing what you feel you need to do take care of your family. Your family loves you and will appreciate all that you did for them later in life. There will always be Mom guilt and we will always wonder if we are doing the absolute best thing for our children. If your family is happy, that means you too, then nothing else matters. Who cares what the other families think? I know, it's hard not to, but it is your life and you live it the way you see fit to!!! Also, they are probably jealous of you and this is their defense mechanism. You know, the grass is always greener kind of thing.

Kudos to you and your husband for making it possible for you to do this for your children. Keep your head high and keep on doing whatever makes your family happy!

do not let them make you feel bad!!!! that is ridiculous. I am a SAHM now, but when my first son was born I had to go back to work after 6 weeks. My MIL was able to watch him which was such a blessing because then at least we didnt have to worry about him while hubby and I were at work. when he was 1 i got pregnant with the twins. i had to quit after the twins were born due to medical issues with my boys. I feel guilty about the financial effect of me staying home, but feel so blessed that i am able to. my husband had to take on another job but he has said that if i dont want to go back to work after the boys start school then i dont have to. i think i will work part time while the boys are in school as long as i can be home when they get out of school. that is a long way off though. our oldest is amlost 2 1/2 and the twins are 8 months old.

You need to find a Mom's group & connect to other Mom's like you. July 1 made it 10 years since I have had a steady job. I have taken little jobs hear & there. I didn't have a mom growing up too & I wanted my daughter to have that. I am taking classes in September (when she goes back to school) & getting my resume ready for the job hunt. You are doing the right thing for your family don't let others make you feel bad because you made a different choice than them. They probably feel guilty & are projecting onto you. Children grow up fast enjoy your time with your family while you can, it doesn't last.

I'm a Certified Nurse Midwife and have been a SAHM for 6 years now (ever since my first was born). I've got to tell you that full time mothering is the most difficult job I've ever done. It's difficult because at the end of the day the job is never done, there's no weekends off/vacations/holidays, and not a lot of thank you's. That being said, it's the BEST occupation I've ever held--and I do love birthing babies, but not near as much as I love raising my own babies.
I'm investing in my children by training them myself, teaching them my values, and nurturing them with lots of love and attention. My pediatrician always reminds me each visit that "Cars, nice houses, boats and all that the world can offer won't matter when you die. Your children and the legacy you've left is all that will live on after you are gone."
Please don't get discouraged. There's a host of us out here that are highly educated and used to make a great salary that believe that are children are worth our time and money enough to be a SAHM. My husband is my biggest fan!

Yeah I'm really proud of them too shirking their motherly duties to help other people.
I was a SAHM for two years with my first child. With my second I was a highly skilled teacher at a university working two afternoons a week. 12-7pm
Not bad.
Who should raise your children? Once your children are school age you can go back to work. Do not get sucked up into the 60 hours per week routine. You are doing the right thing being close and loving with your children.
Every woman does not have that opportunity. In the Talmud it says if a child has his/her mother for three years he can survive anything.
Will those children be able to survive much?

Somewhat because we are such a materialistic society. Bottom line is are you happy and your family happy? Some moms should work, the one that is proud of not teaching her kid anything and letting daycare do it is one of those that should work. Some of their comments might be their defense mechanisms for covering up the guilt they feel at working. I loved working and I love being home with my kids. My husband was home for two years when I worked and I have been home for three years now with him working. My kids were in daycare from six weeks until three years old because we both worked at the time. My mother never worked except at raising all of us and she has loved being able to do that. Do what works for you and your family and enjoy it, life goes so fast. Check out Brene' Brown and see if anything she has to say can help you feel better. I have learned to 'let alot go" after watching her on TED and reading her books.

Looks like you already got a ton of support from other mama's on here, but my heart just ached when I read your post!

It's okay to feel doubt about yourself and your choices as a mother. But being around other moms of small children (I'm part of my local MOPS group) has led me to realize two basic things about being a mother:

1 - we all mother in our own style, working, stay-at-home, part-time, homeschool, public school, what-have-you. and we all want to feel we are doing it the "best" way possible. The truth about this is - we are. We all are parenting the best way we know how.

2 - we all wear masks. Every mother I know puts on a facade of some sort to hide her pain, her brokeness. The successful nurse mom smiles in the store and cries in her empty bed at night. The proud soccer mom is a recovering addict. The flashy "we have everything" mom hates her own mother... we all have pain in our past or present lives. No matter how we appear we are not all hunky-dory.

By the way... I know how you feel. I'm a SAHM. My DH and I decided when we had our first that it would be best for our kids and for our finances. If I worked full time, it would only be to pay for my kids' day care. But I have delighted in being home with my kids (and as I type this my two boys are starting a fight behind me... lol!)

No matter how we do it, being a mom is a big job. You made a good decision to stay home with your kids, though. And you are never alone there. I promise!

-B. M-

You just need to get yourself out and around other SAHM's!! You aren't getting the support from your neighborhood mom's because you're in the minority, doesn't make it bad...they just don't have as much in common with you right now. If you're from Portland, OR, I'm sure there are plenty of SAHM's out there! Start going to the library story times, toddler activities, etc. and you'll see...it's great for your kids and you! Just give it some time and don't feel guilty! It's awesome that you and your husband can have you stay home with the kids.

I think we are a dying breed!! Almost all my mom friends either work part time or fulltime, or do contract work. I don't live in a neighborhood...I live pretty rural, but I know there are no other stay at home moms in at least a 1 miles radius of my house! LOL

I think a lot of it has to do with the economy right now, so many families are forced to have both parents work in some form or another, but too, there are many women that love having a career outside the home. And many families live beyond their means too, so in order to keep up, both have to work.

I can completely understand how you feel. The guilt over not being a productive monetary provider - but remember, you are doing other things like Dr appts, grocery shopping,cleaning, providing a nurturing and stable environment for your children and husband. Yeah, it isn't the same, but it does have value!!

Parents are different these days...some want to teach their kids everything and other's rather let someone else do it. Is either way wrong? No....What is wrong is not making the right choice for you and your family. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. If being at home is what you want, then do it!

When I became a SAHM, it took me almost a year and half to actually be ok with it. I had always been a career person for almost 18 years! It took me a long time to adjust. It is a different kind of fulfilling than a career. At a job, you have tasks that you can complete and be done with, you get thanked and (sometimes)praised for a job well done and at the end of the day(or payday), you go home with money in your pocket. For a SAHM, the tasks get done and then you have to do them over again. You are rarely thanked or praised and you never have money in your pocket! LOL But the rewards are seen in your happy children's smiles and the love they share with you. It is just a matter of changing your "outlook" to be ok with a PB and J smeared smile as a nonverbal "job well done" and a well adjusted child as your success.

I feel dumb and lazy for not working too, and I feel like I am out of touch with reality at times....but I realize, this stay at home thing may not last forever too. And I think of all the things I have learned while being a stay at home mom - extreme patience, organizing and scheduling, how to deal with many different situations. And when else will I get this amazing opportunity to be involved in my child's life like I am now. Believe me, there are days when I want to go to work instead, but I wouldn't miss this time for anything. My plan is to get some kind of parttime job when my daughter is in school and still be available as much as possible.

You are doing something wonderful for yourself and you family if being a SAHM is what you want to do. Don't let other peoples choices or comments sway your direction if you feel you are doing the right thing. I think your choice to be a SAHM is awesome.

Hugs - From the only stay at home mom on my rural block! :-)

You are doing someething good. Great!
Your child is loved and safe. She is looked after the person who cares about her the most. Not everyone gets this chance. Be happy you get to do it.
You are lucky. I feel happy and lucky that I get to do that.
I used to have high powered jobs for years and I feel fortunate that I get to stay home. Do I sometimes feel bad I can't contribute financially when my hubby is tired of going into work? Sure but I do other things: make sure the kids are safe and well taken care of, clean the house, make sure dinner is on the table etc.
It's normal to question it once in awhile but consider yourself lucky and don't keep up the Jonses. You just be happy! :)

Every family does what it is best for its family. In my case we decided with my first child that I would stay home to raise my children. I feel blessed and lucky to be home with my kids especially in these hard times where being home is almost a luxury. I work hard, very hard at home and I don't feel guilty to be home because I am also helping in some others ways. People just have many different reasons to work outside the house or to stay home and we just have to respect every woman's decisions.
I am just so happy and I have peace of mind that I was able to make the decision to stay home with my kids...so I don't mind if others moms look me down for it...even I have never felt that, probably because I don't care. I am still a smart and educated person......so, don't worry enjoy your life is YOURS not somebody else's.

I think you're doing something wonderful. I am a SAHM with my girls. I got forced out of my job after my first daughter was born. When things got tight, I decided to provide in-home daycare to other working moms in my neighborhood. Best of both worlds. I get to be a super star mom to my kids, and I get to earn some money and keep my kids busy with "friends".

Don't let those other women make you feel small or stupid. You're doing one of the absolute hardest jobs there is. You are raising your own child.
You are the only person who can be held accountable for what she learns, and how she grows. I think that's pretty major. You can go to school to get degrees in any field- and anyone can earn those degrees. It takes someone special to put aside their own worldly ambitions to devote their life to the life of another human.

I live in an affluent neighborhood where the women are all very well employed. I don't let them get me down. We just value different things in life, and that's ok. =D

Best wishes!!!!!! *HUGS*

I think it depends on where you live. Where I lived up north in NJ growing up....I didn't know anyone with a sahm. My mom was very critical of the idea and raised me to believe it was lazy women that stayed home who couldn't get off the couch go get a job. So, SAHM had a very negative connotation for me. Now I live down south in Georgia. I can only name a handful of working moms. Most are stay at home, and there isn't any kind of negative connotation with it. I became a SAHM by circumstance, instead of choice, but it's definitely much more difficult than when I was working.

You are hanging with the wrong crowd. You need to find a mom's group and go to the playground/library reading time to meet other stay at home mom's. Some will look down on the working mom's, some won't.

I work part time and I get it from both ends. SAHM struggle and working mom's struggle. Each try to justify why what they are doing works for them, sometimes at the expense of other mom's. Then there are the mom's like me who do both and it sounds really good but all it means is that I have no downtime and am the master of nothing :)

YOU are there for your kid and YOU are a SAHM, you will have days where you are fulfilled and days where it sucks. I worked full time the first year of my kid's life and still miss that time. I was around for my second kids first year and am so glad.
Hang in there.

Yes we are and for many reasons. So many parents are single for different reasons by choice or divorce, others just love money and things the life style, some just can't handle being home all day, and list goes on. Whatever you do (work or stay home) be the best parent you can that is the most wonderful thing you can do for your family.

I think the rise and fall of S.A.H.M.'S depends on the economy. As the jobs are harder to come by, and people are paid less the mom MUST work. I really miss work but i know what staying home means to my girls, and to my husband. I worked from the age of 15 on, i tried a night job for a few years when my oldest was a toddler but it just wasnt working, I was too tired to do my real job....MOM. We stretch our dollars, worry sometimes, my husband is rarely home, but we sacrifice because we think that each of us has important functions to uphold. I plan to start work again as soon as im done with the first phase of my true calling.