Why Are Moms So Judjmental?

I think Mom's need to support each other. Each mother needs to do what works for their family. Instead of judging, Mom's need to see that what work's for their family may not work for others. My MIL and SIL are both SAHMS. And it works for them. But they think that women who work aren't as good mothers as women who stay home. Even if they have no choice. They think that their way is the best/only way to do it and everyone who doesn't do it their way is wrong.

Being is Mom is hard, plain and simple. As mother's we all make sacrifices. I think we need to honor that instead of putting each other down.

I work outside the home and am so thankful I do (even though I have to....)! By Sunday night I am so exhausted from being at home for just two days with my daughter. SAHM's are working very hard, don't let anyone make you think differently! I don't know how you all do it.

I just tell them that I am happy they choose the option that was best for them and their family. My choice was to do what was best for me and my family. And leave it at that or change the subject.

No one wins in these situations. The best thing is to just leave them with their opinions and move on.

Well, I wasn't going to respond since I think all sides were represented fairly well. BUT one response did rub me the wrong way so I just wanted to clear a couple things up in regards to working moms...
This person made a comment that implied staying at home was a greater commitment or deed of love then going to work. How wrong you are...its very difficult for many working parents to drop their children off at the sitters or daycare. Congrats to those of you who do it everyday, suck it up and go to work so that your kids and family will have that extra income/financial stability. Going into serious financial debt is not something that proves you love your kids so much more then those who work. Going to work requires a lot of commitment and sacrifice just as staying home! Working parents are not giddy when they get to the office. Instead, I look at my son’s picture and remind myself why I’m working and why this is the right choice for my family.
I love how this person said not to judge another’s decision, but then basically made it very clear those who stayed home where somehow more committed to their children. There are a variety of ways to be committed to your family and being a stay at home mom is just one way, not the ONLY way.

C., it's not just the stay at home or work outside the home...it's EVERYTHING. There's judgement when it comes to bottle feeding or breastfeeding, sleeping in a crib or co-sleeping, public or private schools, organic or regular produce, etc.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've done both--stayed at home full time and worked outside the home. What it boils down to is that people who get their tail feathers ruffled the most are the ones who are insecure in their own choices. For some reason they crave validation from others so that they can feel okay with the choices they've made.
I've gotten heat from stay at home moms just as much as mom who work outside the home. To be perfectly honest, there are jerks on both sides.

Just feel confident in your own choices.

C.,

Well my first response to your question was, "Because they are envious." Now, I'm not saying all working mom's are envious but the ones who feel the need to belittle SAHM's are (IMO).

I'm a FT working Mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm currently on maternity leave and had my 2 y/o son home with me for a week with the baby. Only a week. I was so ready for him to be in daycare and he was, too. My house was a mess and only clean when he was napping, I wasn't breast feeding or pumping and the baby was sleeping. Yea, that happened about for 10 minutes a day! Just enough time to get a quick shower in. Lol.

I don't doubt the fact that SAHM's work as hard (if not harder) as Mom's that work out of the house. It shouldn't be an "us vs. them" as we are all Mom's and that's the most important role there is.

No matter what your choice, people will always question it. I've been questioned on my decision to work by more that one SAHM. The looks and comments are very hurtful and I used to let it get to me. My husbands aunts and grandma feel the need to ask me EVERY time they see me, "So, you're still working?" OR "Oh, he must have learned THAT from daycare?". Seriously, it's annoying as all hell to be honest. I feel like they think I'm a bad Mom because I choose to work instead of stay home. I'm a good Mom, and I know that. For me, I truly feel that I'm a better Mom because I do work. It's who I am and it's what works for our family.

So, until both "sides" get their preconceived ideas out of their heads, try the other shoe on for a bit or just mind their own damn business...I think this will always be an issue. Kinda like the breast vs. bottle. Which is a whole other posting. ;)

So, keep doing what works for your family and don't feel that you have to defend your choice to stay home with your kids. As I shouldn't feel that I should defend my choice to work. If you like it, your husband likes it and the kids like it - then what other people say doesn't matter.

T.

Edited to add: I just read over the new respones as this was a very interesting post for me. Do me a little favor, if you can... Look over a couple of the responses from SAHM's and you will see examples of the hurtful, judgemental comments that working mom's have to deal with.

In summary NEITHER way is the overall "better" way. What works for your family is the best way. I wish people would just realize that and mind their own business.

Ok I have read all of the responces and what I keep thinking is everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side.
I work full time and Yes I misssed him taking his first steps and I regret it but that is the choice that I made to work full time! It is all about choices in life.
A stay at home mom is the same as a full time mom. We all have bad days eithere at home or at work. We all have difficulties wethere it be with your child or with a co-worker/boss. To say one is harder than another is ridculous-every situtauiton is dffrent every child is diffrent. Unfortuantly some people are rude and can not see both sides of a story.

Everyone had alot of great comments on here but I just wanted to put my two cents in too. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old now and I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old. I was raising her all on my own at the time and didn't have a choice. I cried every day on the way to work after I dropped her off at daycare for almost 2 years. I was so jealous of SAHMs. I thought if I could just stay at home with my daughter she would be better behaved and my house would be clean and I could keep the laundry done and I could cook better meals and I could have time to relax. HA! About 2 months ago I got laid off and her Dad and I decided to take her out of daycare for a while and I would stay home with her. I am now jealous of working moms! LOL My home is continuous wreck, I don't have time for anything ever, and now that she's not taking naps anymore I don't get one second to myself. At least when I was working I could go to the bathroom myself. LOL Both SAHM and Working moms deserve equal respect because both roles are equally as hard. I think Women in general are judgmental. Some women with children look down at women whom chose to remain childless; working moms to SAHMs and vice versa;bottle feeding to breast feeding; professional to blue collars; married to singles; etc. I personally have learned from my experience.

C.,

Some of their comments may have come from feelings of guilt. I am a full time working mom and I struggle with guilty feelings that my son is in daycare all day.

I am the primary bread winner in our household so there is no question about whether I would stay home or not. I have to work. Sometimes I wish I could stay home with my son but I know the work at home would be just as hard maybe harder than my job.

Try not to let their comments bother you. I don't understand why any mom would make those kind of comments. We all work hard!!! There are insensitive people everywhere.

God, I don't know, but I hope it makes them feel good about themselves (or has some purpose for them because it seems awfully sad.)

I had to go back to work when my first son was 12 weeks old, but I had a 4 day a week schedule for the first 18 months. So one weekday a week I played SAHM with him and went to the park, the zoo, hung out with my SAHM friends. So I got to hear both sides of it. The things that SAH women (not my friends, people in the park) would say, thinking they were "among friends"!

But as a working parent I sometimes hear the same nasty comments going the other way. And women in my office who aren't having kids are nasty to women who do and work - like one woman who brought her newborn along to a work conference (she had her nanny with her and didn't bring the baby out of the hotel room, but it still annoyed some people with nothing better to do) and I still hear people saying nasty things about her 3 years later for that.

I don't know why women are so bitchy, but I feel really lucky to have great friends who have careers, great friends who stay home, and great friends who find a compromise halfway in-between or go in and out of work. All of them find ways to be wonderful moms, no matter what their situations are.

Themoms feel guilty, thats what its based on. I work and my house isnt spotless, and when I was on maternity leave it wasnt spotless either. and I get alot of CRAP for working from SAHM. Who said it is about you not working? ITs actually about you being lucky enough that your husband's salery can pay your bills, or however you pay them. For women who work, at least most I know, it is not a choice. We live in a tiny house, drive older cars, no new furniture, and I still need to work. I do WISH I could stay home, but no one is judging you for being lucky, they are probably just jealous!

I think it is in everyone's nature to be judgemental and unfornatulately it hurts people. There are of course 2 sides to this and I am sure Working moms can give there stories here too.

I think in your case it is just jealousy that they can't stay at home. I know I am, but I also know how hard it is to stay at home and keep things going for the whole family and to run everything. However, SAHM's can be just as judgemental. There are several that I know which exclude me from activities and do not include me in things with the kids because I am not "on the same level" as they are. One of the SAHM's actually said this to me.

It is a hard job being a mom period, whether you are SAHM or Working and we should all help each other out when we can.

Why does this have to be about others being judgmental, hurtful, or jealous. Perhaps it's just us moms misreading comments because we are so sensitive to what everyone says about our mothering and our children. I was initially annoyed by a SAHM that commented that because I work someone else is "raising" my children, because we all know that's not really true. My husband and I are raising our child, and because we have hired someone that helps us doesn't mean that we are 'absent' parents, and as soon as I took two seconds to think about it, I knew that is not what the SAHM truly meant. I often feel that if only I could have a few more hours a day at home I could have that clean house, that 4 star dinner, the laundry done, a son that doesn't smell like spoiled milk and dirt, yadda yadda yadda and I am not being a horrible person when I make a comment like "If I could be home I could have those things." What I am being is delusional. I have that extra time on the weekends, vacation days and holidays and know all too well that there still isn't enough time in any day to do it all. Perhaps the comments are just wishes and I think that us moms just need to be a little less sensitive and to let these things go. We all make our choices for those reasons that are right for us as a family and we don't need to waste our time getting all upset about what we think other people are trying to say. I am sure that if we ever found the time to watch, Oprah would have suggested the same thing.

C.,
I am sorry to say that woman now a days feel that instead of networking and supporting one another we must denote each other. I am a stay at home mother to my 3 children, 16 yrs, and twins that are 8. I also am a mother of a licensed daycare in my home, a self employed mother. I am also a part time student online trying to get my degree for teaching. And in the midst of all of this, I am still a woman. I still need support for everything I do. I work all day, but do different things. And yet there are still woman out there that instead of looking at the positives, they always look at the negatives. Please remember C., that you are a stay at home mom, and a working one at that, and you are just as good as a "working out of the home" mom who works all day also. And I must say even though I do work out of my home, I never have time to watch Oprah or clean my home all day. At the end of our journey, will everyone remember the Oprah shows or how clean our house is?? No, they will remember you!
Have a great day at home!!!!
C.

I have two sisters, we all had our children about the same time, I stayed home, they didn't. There were sacrifices in both of the decisions we made. My sisters missed out on being the one to raise their children, be there when their kids got home from school, lie with them while they nap looking at their angelic faces, kiss their hurts, help them learn to write their ABCs, teach them their first songs.
I missed out on having nicer things, eating better, not being able to go skiing at Christmas, not having a better car and house, not getting a better education because of time spent with kids and because of money. I didn't go to the movies, dates or anything else because we couldn't afford it.
We both had things the other didn't. I realized early on that they were jealous that they couldn't stay home with their children like I could. They even admitted as much 15 years later. Being a SAHM is a job that you never leave, but one you love. And you make sacrifices to do so!
The next time someone quips at you about Oprah just smile, hug your baby tight and go for a long walk with them. You can get a job later, your babies won't stay babies forever, be thankful that you CAN stay home with them.
I don't regret my choice to stay home one bit. AND I am happy for my sisters that decided to work. It is all choice, that they chose differently is theirs.

I am a working mom and it is HARD to say the least. I do get to work from home on Wednesdays, so I kind of get a taste of what it is like to be at home too. I guess working moms get so hot about the issue because we have to fit everything you do in your day, into ours, PLUS work 8 hours. I know being a SAHM is tough too, but imagine trying to do all of that after coming home from an 8+ hour work day.

Its tough.

Dear C.,
Unfortunately, you cannot control other moms' perceptions about staying home. BUT just to make you feel better, I can tell you that I've done both in the 2.5 years since our son was born, home full time, working part time and now working full time again, and going to work is so much less stressful! I actually feel like a better mom now that I'm NOT at home all day in the trenches, so to speak. It is very hard to stay home and handle household stuff as well as child care, shopping... all with no breaks and no adult interaction... Those moms are nuts if they think that it's easy to be home all day. Maybe when kids are in school all day, yes, it would be easier... and then there conceivably would be time for TV and starbucks... but not with an infant or toddler at home... I think sometimes working moms just feel so guilty about not being home that they twist things around in their heads.... or they just think that whatever they don't have would be better.
Plus, they have the extra paycheck coming in which they are most likely enjoying! moms who stay home have the added burden of budgeting to contend with... it's a lot harder with only 1 income coming into the house : ) hang in there. and just walk away when you hear moms like that talking... you don't need that energy ruining your day.

Amazing this hasn't come up sooner. I am a SAHM who runs a small in-home daycare. It's hard work and I love it. My husband seems to forget I work all day because he never helps me out with the housework... because, you know, I'm a stay at home mom and can clean all day... right?! I love him and he's great, but I think no one knows what *your* world is like until they live it. I used to be a teacher and decided to stay at home for financial reasons (yes, for me, having two young children.. it was better financially not to work because I couldn't afford day care for both!) and because I couldn't imagine trying to get two kids to the babysitter every morning.... KUDDOS TO THOSE WHO DO!!! I think we can all agree on one thing - MOMS WORK HARD, VERY HARD! ALL MOMS! (except maybe Britney Spears?!) So, let's all stop being catty... help each other out, and appreciate one another :) GO MOMS!

I experience the same thing, even from my husbands family!!! The bottom line is that they are JEALOUS! I have a friend that consistently asks me if I am enjoying my bon bon's...nice huh? If they only knew what it is to be a stay at home mom, they would never be able to handle it. It is very easy to go to work and have soemone else raise your children. Sorry, if I sound bitter, it just makes me crazy!!!!!!

Just remember that you are doing a great job and keep your head up high. There shouldn't be any judgement, people make choices based on what is best for them, don't let their ignorance get you down.

Wow. Even the responses here that claim to not be "judgmental" are full of judgment and innuendo. It's scary. I have been home with my two boys for almost 5 years. Now that they are 3 and 4 1/2 I am thinking about going back to work part-time. I believe that working outside my house a few days a week will make me a better mom, because let's face it, being at home full-time is EXHAUSTING. We all need time to re-charge and/or try something different. I feel that I am more attentive and loving to my boys after a few hours when I haven't seen them. But that's just me. I am very lucky to have the luxury of working/staying home, each in moderation. Each has its challenges and each has its rewards. I am also lucky to be able to afford the type of childcare that I can feel 100% comfortable with. Unfortunately, I don't have family nearby to help me, although that may not be the best option for everyone either. In the end we all love our kids and want to do what's best for them. And no one knows what's best for you own children better than YOU. So ignore everyone else. Your kids are the only ones who matter here. I wish more moms could admit that there is more than one "right" way.

Vent away C.. People in general are judgemental and I have come to chalk it up to jealousy. They are jealous that they have to leave the house to go to work b/c of whatever reason. I have found some that could do some serious "getting rid of extravaganza's" and might be able to stay at home. I am a WAHM and SAHM. I do have the "luxury" of working from my house for my employer and do direct sales, but I dont work all year long either. Whatever is what I say. If they cant say something nice they shouldnt say anything at all. Even though I am home, between work and all the volunteer stuff I do, my house is NEVER spotless, I NEVER watch or even turn on the TV before at least 5pm, I dont get naps etc.

It's just the petty nature of some to be that way..Dont worry, just chalk it up to you are a better person and need not bother yourself with pettiness or petty people.

K.
www.arkparties.com

ps..I often get from people, "when are you going to get a real job(if they dont know I already have one), because I am in direct sales, and apparently although I make good money with it, its not a real job..lol

funny, i worked for 4 months and i said to my husband "wow, do you know how clean my house would be if i stayed home?" i really thought it. now i know better. ha ha ha. I think somme of the other comments are to make themselves feel better because they wish they could do it and somehow need to justify reasons why their situation works. I would say "if you had a spotless clean house and watched oprah, i would guess you're not a very good mom"

I think that it is unfortunate that moms feel this way regardless of whether you are a SAHM or a working mom. Me, I am a single working mom and at times have felt that the SAHM's at my sons school look down on me for working and not staying home with them. We as individuals all do what we need to do and people should understand and not judge that. We should support each other and know that each one individually is doing the best that they can for their children. Honestly, I give SAHM's a lot of credit, there's days that I want to pull my hair out because of the insanity in my house, you guys do it all day everyday. Although secretly when I am work some of the people I deal with are worse than my 6 year old, so we all have our things we deal with whether work or home. Sorry that my fellow working moms have made you feel like this, but we aren't all that way.

Hi C.,

It is a good question you raise. I think that in many cases it stems from being a bit insecure about one's own decisions and looking for a way to justify. Perhaps moms who work full time outside the home feel guilty for not having enough time to spend with their children, or are looking for an excuse for other things they can't do. They may also be jealous and wish that they could spend their time differently, but for whatever reason need to make the choice they do. As long as you are happy and feel good about what you do with and for your child, what others say should not matter. I personally work part time, so I have seen both sides - the full time working moms who think I have it easy, and the stay at home moms who think I have it easy! And, in reality, I feel guilty about what I don't do at home, AND what I don't do at work...I guess the message is we should measure ourselves on what we do and how well we do it, not what we don't. And, anyone who thinks they would have more time if they stayed home all the time, obviously has never done it!!! Good luck!

Hey C. -

The idea that there is a Mommy War is a butch of bunk - Judgmental Moms on either side have issues beyond staying at home or working - I think it has to do with self esteem and the need to project an air of superiority because they feel inadequate in their particular situation (working or staying at home).

One of my sisters was a SAHM when her 3 kids were young because she couldn't bare the thought of being away from her kids - my other sister worked the whole time her 3 kids were young because she thought she would go crazy at home and working brought her satisfaction (why is it that Dads can crave careers but Moms are put down for it?) - bottom line if Mommy is happy, the family is happy regardless of staying at home or working.

One thing that is often not considered is MOST Working Moms work because they have to support a family - I work full time and my family has not had a vacation in 2 years; no eating out; no buying new clothes, car, extras for the house; no savings and without me working full time there would be no health insurance - - our financial situation is tough. However, as a working Mom, I really don't care what other Moms decide to do - its up to them and their own situation.

I would love for one of those "working" moms who are judging you to come over to my house where I am managing 2 1/2 yr. old twins and a 5 month old. I can bet money that they are not breaking a sweat at their job by 9:00 in the morning trying to chase kids and break up fights while doing dishes and laundry, not to mention the Cheerios that got thrown all over the kitchen and the spit-up all over the floor. Do not let anyone make you feel that being a stay at home mom is a cake-walk, those of us who do it know what an important job it is and how hard it is too!! The next time one of those moms talks down to you, tell them how much you would love an hour lunch break!!

C.,
We should just all respect and support each other. I was planning on returning to work but my son was very premature and I couldn't bear to leave him at daycare since he had a higher probabillity of getting a bad virus. Then once he was old enough, he had speech problems so I worked with him extensively on this. Through all this, many women were telling me how "lucky" I was to be a stay at home mom. I do feel lucky because I can imagine how much worse it would be if I absolutely had to go to work to make ends meet. But even so, these remarks are not appreciated. We had to make many sacrifices. I have to think twice about every purchase ... even grocery items. I'm really tired of eating ground beef, hot dogs and beans and rice, macarooni and cheese. I don't remember what a steak tastes like. And I have not had a real vacations for five years - it is not an option. . My child is so active and talkative I barely have a moment to myself. By the time he falls asleep at 8:30, I'm so tired and I use this time to clean the house and try to juggle the bills.

I have friends with kids that work, this is no picnic either. They are in a major time crunch all week long to get everything done, Let's stop judging each other and try to help each other as much as we can.

I feel that when people are judgemental, having had no request for a comment, they have issues themselves, of one sort or another. People that are comfortable with their choices and themselves do not demean others. I would simply equate this with the grade school bully who, to build low self esteem, picks on classmates. Not knowing these people, my guess would be that they are jealous that you have the option to be a SAHM. Either way, these are not people that I personally would be drawn to, for friendship or anything else. As with any unpleasant/inappropriately acting person, I would simply limit my exposure to them as much as possible. Certainly be civil, you don't want to stoop to their level.
Also, as you hopefully know, not all women working outside the home behave in this troubled way. MY friends have chosen to be SAHM as well as working full time and part time. None of them has, as far as I know, been judgemental or negative in any way to the others. Seek this sort of person out versus the ones you mentioned.

I think there a couple different reasons.

We full time working mommies wish we could stay home, and maybe were a bit jealous. I am sure that those that have never stayed home think its just a dream to do nothing all day.

I used to be a SAHM and it was MUCh harder work especially when my kids were home all day long and smaller. You never (ever) got a break to use the bathroom, take a shower, eat, nap. Your time at work (so to speak) never stops and no one understands. I know my ex used to get upset with me when I wanted a break after a long day.

Because I was so fortunate to be in both rolls, i completely understand. Plus I have completely understand what goes on day to day with my firends who are so fortunate to have the option to be at home during the day and they run, run, run. Just like me at 5, they are trying to figure out what dinner is going to be.

Women can be so insensitve, maybe they are unhappy.

Keep your chin up! Ignore them!

Hi C.- As a SAHM of 4 who had been a working teacher of 2 before the other 2 kids arrived, I know that both sides work hard. I can recommend that you read Mommy Wars. A book that won't change others but gives you a unique perspective on judgemental mommies. If you are a thoughtful parent, thoughtful of the choices that you make that are in the best interest of your children, then when someone else who is also a thoughtful parent CHOOSES something that is the polar opposite, mommies often feel they need to diminish this choice in order to validate their opposite choice. In the end if a mom is a thoughtful parent then we should be happy for them and their children. Enjoy your kids and don't let others effect the thoughtful choices you are making for your family
B.
P.S. The book is excellent!

As a working mom, I am sometimes jealous of the time my stay at home mom friends get to spend with their children and often wish that that could be my life, too. Some of my friends who stay home wish they could have some "adult stimulation" by working outside of the home. I think we all know there is no perfect solution, and we all know being a mom is hard, but rewarding work. What we need to do as moms is band together in support of each other!

I'm a working mom. I don't think it's right for other moms to talk down to SAHMS. They have a choice to work outside of their homes. I work to pay my bills & support my children. If they hate it so much then they can quit & become SAHMS too. I don't take out my frustrations on SAHMS because this is my choice & no one elses. Be happy that you can be with your child/ren. I see it either way you can teach your children different values regardless if you work outside of your home or not. Please don't let those other moms get to you.

I work full time and have had the exact opposite judgement from my neighbors. I work and all my neighbors are stay at home moms. They can't understand why I work and would put my children in daycare. They too make comments that hurt my feelings. We all do what we have to for some reason or another. I actually think that stay at home moms have a much harder job than us working moms. Sometimes I am happy to go back to work on Mondays after being with the kids all weekend. I think the ideal would be to work part time. Anyone who thinks stay at home moms sit and watch Oprah are clueless. Consider yourself lucky to be able to spend everyday with your children because before you know it they will be grown.

I totally agree with you, that mothers are extremely judgmental, harsh, and ignorant at times.

Even on this site, moms can be very harsh in their comments to your simple questions! Just ask about ear piercing, not wanting to breast feed, or doing the cry-it-out method, and I guarantee you will have a harsh reply or two!

I am a full time worker, and I do NOT envy SAHM's. It is very hard to be a full time worker and mom, and it's EQUALLY (if not more so!) hard to be a stay at home mom. There are challenges to both. For SAHM's, you don't get to sleep in, you don't get to watch your soaps and shows, you don't get to clean (what's the point when they'll mess it all up again??).
As a full time worker, it's also not a piece of cake. Being away from your child all day is not easy and I always feel guilty about it. Coming home extremely tired, stressed, and fatigued from your workday, you have to now switch to 'mommy mode' and play and care for your child(s), cook, clean, and run the house till you collapse at bedtime. And downtime? None!

As that saying goes, if you haven't walked in that person's shoes, then don't make judgements.

I always encounter moms who talk down to me about my daughter's tiny size and speech delay. I shrug my shoulders and say I'm happy just the way she is; she's perfect to us.
In the same token, when people make ignorant comments like this, I would say "being a SAHM is not what you think; it's a lot of work too." and leave it at that, and EXCUSE yourself and get away from people like this. These people are talking down to you, because they are jealous and feel insecure with their current living situations. So to feel better and justify their lifestyles, they are putting you down to make themselves feel better. Pitying, but typical human nature.

You are always going to encounter people like this in your life, esp as your kids grow older. You just take their comments, smile, and take it with a grain of salt. And distance yourself from people like this. True natured people don't judge and put other people down.

So give yourself a pat on your back for being such a great, caring mom and I feel ya! Hang in there!

With all do respect, SAHMoms tend to forget that working Moms still have to do everything that SAHMoms have to do -- except that we have to do all of it in the evenings and on the weekends. I understand that SAHMs have a "job" too. However, then that would reason that working Moms have TWO jobs. We still have to clean, cook food, grocery shop, homework with the kids, laundry, etc. Just because we work doesn't mean we get to come home at night and relax.

This is an age old disagreement, and is seen from two very different sides. Also, to your point regarding the fact that working moms seemed to be talking down to you, we also tend to feel that we're looked down upon because we work. It's all about choices. Each family/parent is different, and makes different choices for different reasons. You just have to stop caring what the "others" feel/believe, at some point, and be happy with the choice YOU have made.

At such comments I'd just reply: Oh no-- Oprah is too boring for me I watch World Stock Markets ;-)
IMO we shouldn't have to explain ourselves to the strangers why and what we do.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Unfortunately, I think women in general are very competitive. I think women who work respond the way they did to you out of jealousy and guilt. I think they think they are worse parents, so they try to put you down to make themselves feel better. But, as a SAHM, I think both sides have their pros and cons. I think no one is better than anyone else. I also agree with people that have said that moms are judgemental on tons of stuff when it comes to kids. Everyone has their own parenting styles and opinions, and I wish people didn't comment on things unless they were specifically asked to comment. If you do comment, try to be honest with your opinions, but don't be judgemental or harsh. Finally, I think a lot of people misread or misunderstand what people say and type and things are taken the wrong way.

Don't let them bother you. I started a family daycare when my first daughter was born and you don't know how many times I have been told I do not have a real job. Since when is rasing children not a real job? It is not only a real job, it is one of the most important jobs you could have. It does not matter if you have a job outside of the home or not, what matters is that your children know you love and care for them. Don't let other people's short comings get you down. You have a wonderful job!!!!Enjoy it!!

You know the old saying about the grass isn't always greener! Well I stay at home I have 2 kids 13 & 10
ButI also daycare from home, people just seem to think that kids can take care of them selves.I also worked outside of the house downtown for 10 + years. You always want what you can't have. It just is not easy doing either one, and if anyone seems to think that a stay at home mom has it easy try doing our job for a week or two. My husband ribs me about it all the time, but when I did go out to work nothing was done here so it was like having 2 jobs. Sometimes I sometimes think people speak faster than the brain can catch up. See if they want to trade, trust me when I tell you the only time I get to myself is from 6:00-7:00a.m. My husband is asleep by 9:00 p.m. gets up @ 4:30, as do I but I do not get to bed until well after 11:00. Just do your thing and dopnt bother with people who are so rude. People what can you say it takes all kinds, some good some well you know!

This is my least favorite thing about "sisterhood". I went through the same thing awhile ago when I chose to quit my job. Comparing notes is fine with moms if they can refrain from criticising each other so much. The best decision for them might not be the best decision for you. Until women can recognize that, we will live in a world of cackling hens and pointing fingers unfortunately.

Salary.com has a figure posted for a SAHM for $130,000. per year(if we were paid). beat that!! We'd probably make twice the amount of some of those moms that like to comment.

The best way to face them is with sarcasm. If it was so easy, why do the ones that work have to PAY for someone else to do it?

In my experience, the working moms that talk badly or make snide comments about me being a SAHM are the ones who would do it if they could, they just can't afford it. I think it's unfortunate that we get pit against each other. Being a mom is a difficult and important job, whether you work inside or outside of the home. I'd just ignore their comments if you can. Jealousy coupled with stress and guilt bring out the worst in people. That's how I rationalize it. I also think perhaps that some working moms have lost the perspective of what it's actually like to keep after kids all day, not just before or after work. It's the only true 24 hour a day job, you know?

PS - I have more than two weeks of my soap opera to watch in my dvr. I'll never get to it, it's just wishful thinking. Watching Oprah, ha!

Too funny I know this will gets lots of responses! The first year of my first child I worked FT outside the home. I stay home now and I too thought oh my house would be so clean once I can stay home with my child... well guess what when you are home all day and actually do stuff with your kids your house is messier than it was when nobody was there!!!! i need a maid service more now than when I worked FT!!! Seriously anybody that judges another decisions about parenting has no idea what it is all about. I do think that most WAHM do think it woudl be great to stay home all day...It is not a choice for anyone. If both parents work outside the home its usually financially based and they can't figure out another way to do it. Congrats to the moms or dads who do stay home. Usually that means going into serious financial debt until they can get their kids out into school. No matter the choice its tough and we all give up somthing in order to do it. Its not a privlege to stay home its a commitment that requires a lot of sacrifice with great rewards! (not financial of course!) Personally my life was easier when I worked FT at least then I got a lunch break!!

Dear C.,

As a SAHM of a two year old, I know very well what exhausting hard work it truely is. I had made up my mind years before I had a child that I would want to stay at home until he was old enough to be in school full time. Although I have a part-time busines from home, I am still at home with my son during the day, and I schedule my work around him, not the other way around. I only see clients occasionally when my husband can be home with him. Other than that I do all my paper work when he is napping or gone to bed for the night.

Moms who work outside the home do not understand what hard work it is. Although I truely believe it is easier to go to work everyday, I would not trade what I am doing for all the money in the world. My son is only going to be little once. I waited a long time to have him, and I am not about to miss out on this time with him, which I will never be able to get back.

About all those working moms who like to critize us for choosing to stay at home with our kids, just let it go in one ear and out the other, and don't give it a second thought. They can say whatever they like; the bottom line is they are just jealous. I realize that some women have to work and don't have a choice, but I also strongly believe that it is a choice for most mothers whether they want to admit it or not. Some people just are not willing to give up a few luxeries in order to be home with their kids. Sure it's a life style change, and some sacrifices at times have to be made. But when it comes to spending this quality time with my son instead of an hour in the morning that is rushed, and a few hours every evening, I feel that I am the one who is living in luxery! Ignore the negative things you hear, and just know that it is nothing more than jealously.

I praise you highly for making this choice to stay home with your child, you will never regret it!

J.

Oh my gosh - this whole issue makes me so mad!!! I work outside the home, but I know that being at home is not easy!!!! My sister once came to visit and I had to work so she stayed with my son all day. When I got home she said, "wow, I always thought that staying at home w/the kids you'd be able to get so much done, but that's not the case.. I tried going to Target at 10am and didn't actually even get out until 2pm!!"

I give so much credit to those parents who are able to stay at home with their kids = I think it's a harder job than me being at work all day.

Don't let people who are ignorant to your situation make you feel bad - you are doing what is best for your family and I wish you the best.

ha! They're jealous! You are extremely fortunate to be in the position to where you can "work from your home".. that's one way to look at it anyway! You do work.. in fact, you probably work more than the average working woman! You work 24/7.. round the clock.. and your paycheck is your husband's paycheck. Next time someone mentions that they too wish they could sit on the couch all day and watch Oprah, humor them! Tell them how it's absolutely wonderful and that if they are ever given the opportunity they should try it. Tell them you have some fantastic bon bons they could try too! Or if they are in need of a maid you could recommend a great one that would not interfere while your favorite programs are on the tv! And of course if you say it with just enough of that fake tone of voice (or just plain ole sarcasm), they will get the point!

C.

C.~

Everyone has an opinion.......but your opinion is the only one that counts when it comes down to it. Your a mom to your little ones and whether you are at home or at work your a mom. How you love your child and how you spend your moments with your child are what matter. I learned from both my parents the type of parent I want to be. It may not be the same as the mom on either side of me in my town home complex. But, its the mom I want to be for my kids. As long as you are secure with you it doesnt matter about ANY judgement ANY one person makes. Love yr kids, Love your time with them because life changes.
Have a great weekend.

Let me just say that I am a SAHM but I do wrk 1 day a week as a nurse. And after that 1 day I am even more exhausted that I am when I do stay at home the other 6 days out of the week. I have 2 small kids and they wear me out. I could not imagine working all day then come home to and be the mommy. I give moms that work outside of the home some credit. I chose to stay at home to be there for my kids and raise them myself. If you are lucky enough to have Grandma watch them, good for you but she already raised her kids. Why have them if you don't want to raise them yourself? there are too many stories of babies being shaken or abused at the hands of day care providers. I'll stay at home and make some sacrifices till my kids are older.
A.

They are just being Sanctimommies. Just be confident in your decision to stay home and let that confidence show! If you feel you need a comback I always say"It must be nice to go pee not having a child pulling on your leg" Usually shuts them up!

Good luck with the SAHM and enjoy it, it goes by sooooo fast!

M.

I think they are just being jealous - also for all stay at home mom's I came across an article that listed all the "work" and differnet jobs that are done as a stay at home parent and assigned it dollar amounts. According to the article it saves the family 144,000. Not to mention your children are getting the best possible care. I work full time out of the home, and my husband stays home with our 2 boys, my house is not spotless, but my children are well taken care of - which is well worth 144,000!!

I have been a stay at home mom, and now I am working and balancing both. I can see things from both perspectives. When I was at home, it was a tough job, and loved the time I had with my baby, but I was on a fixed budget, finances were tight, and part of me wanted to go back to work. Now that I'm working and only spend a few hours a day with my children, it's difficult to juggle being a mom and working. I would say for me personally, it is more stressful working and being a mom, but that's the choice I made.

Everyone wants the best for their children, and some have no choice but to work to be able to pay the bills, and I'm sure they are envious that some women do not have to work and can stay at home with their children. Great for you that you can! I've been fearful that I won't be able to retire or send my children to college if I don't continue to work, so I've made that choice, and I may regret it down the road. I know many years from now I will be wishing that I could have spent more time with my children when they were little. I'll never look back and wish that I could have worked more, that's for sure!

Hi C.,

I don't know why people have to be so mean! I think working moms probably don't realize how much work staying home is, just like husbands don't realize how much work being a mom is! I get to see it from both sides since I work part time 3 days a week. The days I stay home with my son are absolutely exhausting, and while I may be able to get some errands done (like grocery shopping) that I wouldn't be able to do if I worked full time, I certainly don't have time to sit on the couch and watch TV or clean my house. Try not to let it get to you, YOU know how hard you work and that's what really matters.

In general, I think moms are judgemental because everyone thinks their way is the right way. In this particular instance, I think it's partially the guilt of not staying at home. I know not everyone can do this financially but personally I felt it was more important than having a new car or nice things for the short time my daughter is little and not in school. I stayed home for the better part of two years and then have only gone to work part time. My daughter is in preschool and she is almost five now so I know the laid back days will be over in less than a year now. I cherish the time I have been able to spend with my daughter and not wondering what I was missing or wondering if someone was taking enough interest in her care or even meeting her needs. So, I am totally supporting your choice to stay home. I have never found the time to watch Oprah or any other soap opera for that matter and my entire has not been clean at once in the last four plus years, since she was mobile. Hooray!!!

Since I work FT I do get the flip side of your issue. The "must be hard to drop off your daughter in the morning." Some moms just need to let you know how they feel about SAHM and working FT moms. Next time just tell them you do watch Oprah and your house is spotless. In the end it doesn't matter just as long as you are fine with it and it sounds like they are getting to you, so don't let it.

I completely agree that there is a social division among SAHMs and WMs, and it's really unfortunate. I mean, we are all moms who are facing equally challenging lives - we should support each other not judge! Coming from the opposite side (I work outside the home 4 days/week), I've encountered times where SAHMs insinuate that I'm not being the best parent I can be because I work. Comments like, "Oh, I'm sorry you have to work. It must be so hard on your kids," are hurtful and demeaning. I try to respect everyone for their own individual decisions and hope that others view me the same way. At the end of the day, we are all striving for one goal - to raise competent, strong, self-thinking kids. We should support each others' unique situations, not judge others for the choices they make.

Being a Mom, regardless of whether you SAH or Work is the hardest, non-stop job anyone could ever have!!!

The only other person's in this world who could possibly understand the struggles and challenges we face are other Mom's.

Why it is we all compete, negate, and judge each other is beyond me!?

There should be some unwritten law somewhere that says:

"No Mother, regardless of any situation shall ever put down another Mother, ever!"

My own Mother once said that to me a Mom means to always feel guilty. I've found this to be pretty accurate.

All I can figure is that those who feel the need to put down others are really just needing to feel better about themselves! In this case,....while anger and shock are our initial response....esspecially when it comes from someone who isn't a Mother and has no clue...if it comes from another Mom, maybe consider that she is probably just trying to reassure her own guilt or whatever issue she's dealing with. I would just feel sorry for her!? =/

Keep up the good work Mom's....whether you work out of the home or in it...you're all great...or you wouldn't be here!

Hi C. S,
I don't know why other moms are so judgemental... it is probably b/c they do not know the difficulties of being a SAHM. Well, I was working 3 days a week in the office and let me tell you it was harder to be home with the baby than go to work! I recently just found out thought that I lost my job so I will be a full time SAHM now. And I know it will not be easy to be at home. It is hard work to be a SAHM! I know that I have a hard time squeezing in cleaning, cooking and taking care of the baby. I do hope that in the New Year that I can work part time again b/c I did like my work, but I also liked the days I was home with my son. For me it was a good mix. But I personally believe that every family and mom needs to do what is good for them and it is not fair to judge. It is hard enough being a mom and feeling like you are never enough.
Anyway... vent away! Keep up the good work as a SAHM!
~Melissa R