Advice from At-home Moms...

Tell them you are a domestic engineer specializing in child care, education, spiritual guidance, logistics, food service, home and clothing care, and much more if they'd care to listen.....They won't.

I didn't have time to read the responses but just wanted to throw my idea out there. Maybe these people asking you questions are just trying to get to know you better. I often ask what someone's husband does etc. in an effort to get to know someone. I certainly never meant to offend anyone. I am a stay at home mom and understand how hard it is. I never have time to do anything for myself!

Hi K E,

I read this column a while ago. The question is similar, but the answer is the same. It was refreshing to hear someone put into words what we "do" all day. Here is a link... http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007...

If for some reason the link doesn't work, here is the information to google it: Washington Post, Carolyn Hax, May 23, 2007

Enjoy.
L.

First of all, I am so jealous (in a good way) that your kids look nice and are being raised by someone who loves them more than anyone else ever could. My kids look so dingy most of the time, and they are not even doing good academically in spite of their involvement in this super expensive after-school program. My little baby knows the drill at school, it is so cute, but everyday it is a different caregiver at the daycare where she spends the whole day. I am feeling so sorry for my own kids, that I am even crying, because they do not have a mommy but for 2 hours a day. You need to feel blessed, praise the Lord that you get to love on your kids all you want. Don't let nosey people even bother you. If you just knew how blessed you are, because you are doing what every mommy is supposed to do, you would probably be less bothered by these people who have fallen in the trap that productivity is measured by money as opposed to producing some happy children who will turn out to be good, law-abiding citizens.

I think as moms we need to do a better job at supporting one another and of not getting so easily offended. I have been a full time working mother, a full time stay at home mother and a part time working mother. NONE of these roles is easy! We are not defined by our jobs, our finances, our looks, our kids looks, what our husband's do, where we live, what we drive, how nice we keep our home, or how well we dress ourselves and our kids... we are defined by who we are, how we love, how we serve and the legacy we leave behind. If for you it is to be home with your children - what a blessing and enormous task, if you are working outside the home - thank you for your service to better our world... ladies - give each other a break - I don't find room in my life for sarcasm and ugliness from fellow women - life is hard enough - no matter whether you work outside the home or in...

sometimes I say ... well, do you take your kids to daycare or a sitter's home? Well, what you pay someone else to do -- I do it myself and much much more. Giving personalized attention to my kids because they are my top priority in life.
And when they ask for more specific routine/schedule... I ask well, what's your schedule like at work? Is it the same every day?

Funny how no one asks a computer programmer or an accountant what they're daily schedule is.
I believe when people ask this question, it speaks volumes about the guilt they feel inside themselves ... they try to rationalize why they are not staying at home. It's usually women that ask this question, in my experiences. I NEVER get this question from men.
So I just know this when I hear the question, and I try to lovingly tell them how I prioritize my life and I try to live those priorities out with my actions.
Kids are only young for such a short amount of time and you don't get that back. I don't want any regrets when I'm older.

People rarely get to their deathbeds and say, "Man, I wish I worked more for such-and-such company, making shareholders richer." They usually wish they spent more time with their family and loved ones.

Hello K E!

I read your question and right away went to read the responses. I think you got a lot of good answers! But in reading them I realized something... none of them really, honestly addressed the deeper part of your concern.

I am a sahm, and a homeschooling mom. My kids are 12 & 13. I have been around the block a few times. What I am really hearing from you is what I feel at times too. Let me elaborate...

Regaurding the other answers - they all are telling you to relish in the fact of all that you do during the day. This is a very common response (obviously because you have so many of them). However, I think that people like you and me are not satisfied with those answers because we DO want more. We DO want to "work" - even though we do not want to leave our children. So, those questions somewhat offend us because deep down we feel that we could/should be doing so much more than what we are.

Don't get me wrong. I would not trade this time with my kids for anything!

I found out many years ago though that I did, in fact, need more to stimulate my mind. That is when I realized I was born to be not "only" a sahm and a homeschooling mom, but an entrepereneur as well.

So, let me ask you this... what is your passion? What do you really enjoy doing? Begin to pursue that. Then, I bet, when you get asked that question, you will be able to respond with, "I am a SAHM and an entrepreneur". You won't feel offended anymore because you will feel that you are living up to your potential.

If I am off base, I am really sorry. And I am NOT bashing sahm's who are content with typical sahm activities! I just know that for me - I needed more. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that time with my kids so I just added one more job title on myself.

I hope this came across in the positive tone I was going for. I just sometimes wish my mind would quiet down long enough for me to be able to be content with the best job in the world - being a mom.

That's kind of funny... I'm gathering that you are around a lot of people who are not stay at home moms... If you were you wouldn't be asked those questions, well, may be the second one because I've seen some SAHM that look pretty rough! :-) I've had to work and I am able to enjoy being a stay home mom now, and I am loving it!!! Blessings to you and congrats to you and your husband for giving your kids a full time mom.

The best way to answer your first question is to say something like this: "We are very blessed, I have the best time giving our kids the best possible start. I am always very busy but have time to relax and enjoy my kids, do a lot of things with them, and stay happy and manage our schedule so we are not stressed out and everyone in the house is at peace for the most part".

As far as the second question, just tell the truth. " Oh thanks, no, we just like to look good and feel good about ourselves every day. I just love being a SAHM. God has blessed us so much!" And leave it at that...

We have 8 kids, (3 in college and 5 at home) with ages ranging from 20 to 3. I know that we are all happier because I can be a SAHM. Like you, I always like to look good and for my kids to look good too. Be happy and beaming that you are able to stay home with your kids and that you all look so good! And like many other gals have said, don't take offense, they are probably just curious, getting information for perhaps a change in their lives, just getting to know you better, or simply making conversation! Best wishes!

Answer them with Scripture:

"I am training up my children in the way they should go."

"I am home so I can be a Proverbs 31 wife."

Love your question, could relate with it, too.

I didn't have my daughter until I was 31. Prior to that I had really interesting jobs, and even after I had her I finished up a MA degree that I thought I would use part-time. Because my husband travels a lot, we have since chosen to have me stay home full-time with our child, and there are times when I do feel like I am not "enough"...but when I really stop and think about it, that is so foolish...because, "not enough" according to who? Strangers? The opinions of strangers? Even if they are not strangers...even it is other family or friends...the only three opinions that really matter to me are my God's, my husband's and my daughter's.

Lately, I have read a couple of books that have changed my perspective...Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow--a rather old-school book from the 70s but chock-full of wisdom--and I did go to the Bible and read Proverbs 31 and, wow, what a great example to try to live up to.

While I was finishing my degree, my daugher attended preschool full-time for a few months, so I've had the chance to feel both sides of the question--working inside and outside the home. After deciding to stay home, at the end of the day, I feel an enormous amount of satisfaction knowing that I was the one who potty trained my daughter...that I was the one who has fostered her great language skills...that I have taught her to say please and thank you and how to make choices and set boundaries. This is the kind of daily, repetitive effort that takes a lot of time and effort to yield results--like a meal that is slow cooked and especially delicious. Be proud of your choices in your heart. I'm a big fan of trying to be open and educate others on what your day might be like, if they themselves seem open to it. If you sense that they are being judgmental, don't waste your energy in the wrong place. Just abridge your explanation: "I work inside the home." or "I am a full time mom/wife" or maybe "I'm a home-maker, with lots of responsibility and tons of interests! I love my life!"

And, be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself and your kids' appearance. At the end of the day, you can feel good about that effort...your husband will feel great about it...your kids will thank you for it...and you'll set a standard for others to shoot for as well.

Keep up the good work, sister! :)

I've never had someone come right out and ask what I did all day, but I will never forget one lady who after she asked what I did and I responded, 'I just (which I so wish I hadn't worded it this way now) stay home with my boys' and then she said (with a very high, whiney tone)' awwwww, that's sweet!! What? sweet? I've always wondered what she would've thought if I'd responded to her banking job the same way!! I take my job just as (if not more) seriously as she does her's and do believe it's the MOST important job in the world. I think it's a huge undertaking to decide to stay home with your kids, but it's the most fulfilling, fun, crazy time I've EVER had! Maybe not everyday is just wonderful (like any job), but I'd never trade a moment of it for any amount of $$. Just had to share! enjoy your day w/your little ones. I wish I had some advice but I don't....just assume the best. What else can you do? :)

Great responses... It's interesting to see other peoples' point of view.

Here's my experience: At first I felt guilty for staying at home because I didn't think I was contributing I have always worked and didn't have my first child until I was 29. It was very hard to come to terms with the fact that not only do I contribute, but I now have the most important job and most demanding job of my life!

I think some times I took it wrong when people asked me that question, but there are those out there who ARE rude about it. The thing is, just be ok with it inside of yourself. If you know that you are doing a great job and not just sitting around (who can with kids?), then don't worry about what people say. You are only responsible for the way you act. If you need to be sarcastic because someone is being extremely rude, well ok... I mean I know how that can be. But I do think that most of it is either genuine interests, jealousy or just someone who is rude and why even bother justifying their comments/questions? I wouldn't be rude back because then you are part of the problem. Use your confidence to completely ignore them. I know it is hard because some of them are family members. Maybe you could tell them it offends you when they ask you that. There is a book called "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" by Trish Ashworth that talks about how most moms feel the way you are feeling. It's a really great book and honestly it set me free of guilt and reacting to rude people. I know you have a million things to do (because you are a mom and that is the hardest and most important job in the world!) but if you find you have a moment, you might take a look at the book. :)C

you can answer it all with one simple answer. Instead of saying I'm a stay at home mom...just simply "I'm a wife, mom, chauffer, gourmet cook, counselor, and expert handy woman. I think that should about sum it up." If they want to keep asking questions after all of that, just answer their question with a question. Ask them about themselves...people love to talk about themselves most of the time.

They are just trying to carry on a conversation to see if you have interests in common like do you like to go for lunch some day between what you do. Or whatever that is how we get to know each other. I do not understand people who are not open or withdrawn to their personal life like it is a secret. We learn from each other, draw from each other,grow and learn. Maybe during mom's night out you and them can get together or something. Maybe your husbands work in the same field and have common interests. Maybe they have children the same ages. Whatever God did not put us here to not share and compare and help one another. We are here to learn and we have friends that come and go. We pray for them, associate with them, love them and they come and go but he sends us to others to help them and care. If you are hurting and ask God for help he will send you someone to pray with you. I remember when I was down and my ex wanted a divorce. Moved here alone no one to talk to and prayed and prayed. It was not by accident that I turned down this out of the way street two times. Met this wonderful woman that became my friend for a season. She prayed with me daily and was there to comfort me and when I got strong she was gone. I remember a time when my granddaughter also in our prayers was coming to live with me at one time I did not even know where she was. I had to clean out a room for her and had boxes stacked in that room. I got it loaded and it took me all day. Then that night I was so exhausted did not know how I was going to get it to the storage. I called several movers but really did not have money to pay for help. Then went there. I know God sent me Angels. As I was unpacking two of the fattest women ugly women came and asked if I was doing that by myself. I said yes and for three hours in the heat we got the stuff in storage. They would not take money. I had never seen anyone at that storage when I was there before or after that time. They said their good dead would be passed on. Never saw them again but that love was there and I know they were angels. So when people want to know about you maybe they are there to send you blessings as well. God Bless G. W

I know you've had lots of responses, but I wanted to add one more thing. I now work part-time because my kids are school- age, but when they were little I used to get the same grilling you do. My pet peeve was women who would say "Oh, you're so lucky to stay home with your kids." My response was "It's not luck, it is choice. We chose to cut our income almost in half, we choose to drive an older car, not have cable TV and a lot of the 'extras' that other people have because we felt it was important that I be the one to care for our children during the day."
Hang in there!

You've gotten tons of great responses! I want to give my two cents too, though. Doesn't everybody? =) As for the first question, people are asking you about your day because they want to get to know you. Once upon a time, we had really strong social skills in our country, but that seems to have gone the way of the dodo. Unfortunately, that can make the getting-to-know-you topics kind of awkward. These gals aren't trying to insult you, they're just making conversation. When somebody I don't know gets too personal, I just start giving dull answers or one word answers. They lose interest and stop asking eventually. My social skills at work, I guess. =)

As for the second part, when folks ask if you've just come from pictures, then your family looks fabulous! They're asking because THEIR family never looks that good except for pictures! Take it as a compliment.

One more thing. From the sound of your questions, it sounds as if you might be a little bit insecure about your decision to stay home. If you are happy with it, then please don't assume everyone else isn't or that you are somehow "less" (or anyone thinks less of you) than those who choose to work outside the home. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and even though I stay at home right now, my decision is to work outside the home, and I will be starting my new job in January. I envy you. It has been a joy to be at home with my daughter, so I am making the most of that experience right now before I go back to work. My decision to work outside the home is the right one for our family. If your decision to stay home is the right one for your family, then revel in it.

Just give others the benefit of the doubt. Sometime when you're having a crazy day, then maybe they'll extend the same courtesy to you.

what a shame that you have to look at these issues from that perspective. guess you are a the glass is half empty kind of girl, or so it seems. ppl probably ask you what you do during the day and what you cook etc, because they are in awe of what you do. being a stay at home mom is amazing and envied by millions of women. take it as a compliment instead of as an intrusion and you will find some really great strangers to connect with. as for ppl asking about the appearance of you and your kids, i get that ALL OF THE TIME and i take it as the sweetest compliment!! see the sunshine instead of the shadows!!

my schedule varies, why do you want to know ???

I too have been in your situation. If one of my friends call and I am not here, when I do finally talk to them they ask why I am never at home or too busy to talk. I say that being a stay-at-home-mom doesnt mean I just sit on my butt all day. This happens to be the hardest job I have ever had in my life and I keep pretty busy and keep my kid busy too. Some people might be jealous of you. Maybe wanting to be in your situation. Just brush it off. I get the questions sometimes too of how can we afford for me to stay at home. Some people can do it and some cant. I also think it depends on where your priorities are at. We can afford it because my husband has a good job and is good about managing our money. Thats what I say. I think working moms just cant understand how we get everything done with the kid or kids running around. But to us its the everyday routine. They dont have that routine. And there is definitely nothing wrong with looking good either!

I know when my kids were younger I sometimes fell into the trap of being kind of defensive of "what I did all day", and tried to sound so busy busy busy - b/c in our culture busyness is well respected. The truth of it was we all enjoyed just being HOME, reading, working on our hobbies and projects, socializing with our friends, going to playgrounds, not being slaves to iron-clad schedules. I think deep down many of these folks giving you the 3rd degree are wistful - they couldn't figure out how to re-prioritize their lives to put their children and homelife first and perhaps they're actually in awe of someone who can! Be proud!

Hi KE!
I'm not a full-time stay at home home. As a college professor, I had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom for the first time (since maternity leave) this summer with my son, who is now 14 months. So I have seen what it's like to be a SAHM *and* a working [away from home] mom (during the academic year), and I tell everyone that being a SAHM is the hardest and most exhausting job in the world. But most people don't get to see both sides, and I think, until they do, they simply won't understand. You could actually just tell them what you do all day (and as much as working parents will think they do all that stuff too, they don't do it at the level that you do as a SAHM, while simultaneously keeping a hawk-eye on the little one(s)), or you could just let it go and don't get defensive. Maybe some of them are just curious and really don't know what a SAHM could possibly be doing all day; if they were to try it out, they'd find out. And honestly, I think a lot of people wouldn't have the patience for it. I can tell you that my house doesn't get cleaned nearly as much now as during the summers, and that while I still try to squeeze everything in (cleaning, laundry, dinner, etc.), dinners are rarely as elaborate, and something has to go if I am to have any time with my son (with whom I had tons of time in the summer) and husband after school (daycare) and work. Secondly, I think it's great if you and your kids look presentable - I wouldn't let us leave the house not looking presentable, so maybe that's just an issue your acquaintances have with themselves...
Good luck, and enjoy your time with your kids! :)
-Christina

Your situation sounds a lot like what I went through. I would get the same response when asked, "Where do you work?" and upon answering, "I don't. I stay home to raise my kids." I ineviteably get the whole slew of questions of what I do throughout the day then.
One day, when I was in my "quirky mood", I was asked the dreaded question and without thinking, I came up with, "I am the president of '__your family's last name__ incorporation..." (For example: "I am the president of Smith's Incorporation") "...and right now we're going through some external social training." (then walk away).
I've even came up titles like, "Domestic Trainer", "Homosapienologist" (Homo Sapien ologist - a VERY mutilated way of saying, "I study the human species), "Founder and creator of...your family's last name (or even your child's name)", and (my favorite), "I am a teacher."
If you think about it, a domestic trainer, is one who trains something or someone from a home.
A Homosapienologist is one who studies (or watches) a human.
Founder and creator of...well that title should be obvious...you made your own little family...
My favorite, "I am a teacher" is SO true in that you teach your child to behave at home and in public all the time. You teach your child to reconize who mommy and daddy are. You teach your child to not put keys in the electrical socket in the wall. You teach your child to say, "please" and "thank you". If you're ever asked where you teach, simply say, "HERE" and leave it at that (and if you need to, walk away).
I hope this helps.

As someone who has been a working mom and is now a stay-at-home mom, I wonder if you aren't being overly sensitive? The questions sound like polite small talk, for the most part. Most of us spend so much time at our 'work' ... whether that is a paying job our not ... that it is a large part of our identity, and a safe topic for casual conversation. If there are any questions that you really don't like, then come up with a one-line response that doesn't invite further conversation (e.g. in response to 'what do you do all day' you could say 'oh, I have no trouble keeping busy'). As far as the picture comment, maybe its just a way of saying you look really nice! Other moms may have a hard keeping themselves and their families so picture-perfect. I know that I do, and I admire moms who look more polished than myself).

When I want out of a conversation I usually turn it around and start asking them questions. You sound like a bright, got-it-together mom, so don't worry about other people's ignorance. You can always smile at the ones planning to have children and say 'you'll see'. :)

K.E.

Wow! You got a lot of responses and good ones, too! Must've hit a hot button!

I just tell people that I have a lot of interests! Occasionally, some gal will say something like "If I stayed home I would get bored." I find that comment the most amazing of all! How in the world could someone get bored when there is so much to do and to learn in this big ole wide world?

I'm always doing projects and researching things! I don't have time to get bored! There's too much to do! Plus, whenever I get a chance (i.e. extra "time"), I like to help friends organize their pantries or read about organizing!

Here's another way of looking at it. If you want your privacy then use some of the suggested wording (eg. I work from home, "I clean houses" - even if it's just your own!).

Otherwise, just realize that people are curious! And they might ask you just as many questions if you were working!

Maybe it's YOU they are interested in!

I loved your question!

A.

PS So I thought about this for awhile and I realized some of the following: Since we live on one income we don't eat out a lot. Some of my time is spent making food. We don't have a maid service so I do laundry, and all the cleaning. On a regular basis, some area of the house will need deep cleaning and organizing...
When the kids were young, I faithfully took them to story time at the library. When they were very little I read to them. I taught them to sort, wash and fold laundry. I taught them how to do other chores, then I had to oversee them and make sure they did them right! I was busy! Plus, I had (still have!) hobbies: gardening, reading, crafting...And kids' play dates.

Luckily I work from home so I don't get those questions. If I were asked I would say something like, "I have my hands busy raising my kids and running the house."

As far as the comments about how you look just simply say, "Well, thank you, but no. We just always try to look our bests."

Good Luck!!!

Hello!
I have been a stay at home Mom for about 23 years so I know how you feel. I believe many questions are harmless, just curious people. I think that most people can not understand a situation, unless they have been in it.
I want to encourage you ! You have been given the most important job on earth, to care for the next generation! "THe hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world."
So many Moms are encouraged to work by society so that they can brainwash our children . We are the best ones to care for our children. No one will ever do a better job of loving your children than you!
When I was growing up, very few women I knew, worked.
All the Moms in my neighborhood stayed at home. My mother kept very busy sewing, cooking, cleaning, etc.
I have always been busy! I have read outloud to my children and taught them to read. I have talked tremendously with them. I have taught them about God.
If you want to have a world class garden, you will have to spend a great deal of time on it. It will not care for itself.
I thank that Lord everyday that my husband is wise and kind and has always allowed me to stay home with our children. They are older now, very loving, kind, giving, hard working and care for us and their siblings without being asked. We are very proud of them.
I would be patient with others and explain that you are blessed to be able to spend a lot of quality time with your children.
When my children were little, I did some babysitting. I will never forget one mother. She had a baby girl who was 6 months and she worked. She came to see me about keeping her daughter. When I inquired about her daughter's habits,etc. she said," I don't know about my daughter, how she is etc. " She was not with her all day and did not know her own daughter much. It was so sad.
The early years go so quickly. You only realize that when they are gone , never while you are going through them!
God bless you! Maybe if you could ask them what they do on their days off, they would understand that we keep very busy! Of course, my children and I also took time to visit the old ladies in our neighborhood and help them.
We took meals to the sick, etc. We visited others.
Keep up the good work! Make sure that you spend time with other stay at home Moms so that you have the fellowship of others like you that you need!
Sincerely,
C. N.

This is so frustrating and I feel your pain. I am less a stay at home and more of an unemployed mom, but that's not right. Staying at home is probably a harder job than any executive working mom's out there.

Sometimes I tell them I'm maintaining my household. Working on a home project - my favorite is I'm writing a novel, that shuts them up. I think answering them with I take the time to spend it with my children and work on their development everyday would also put them in their place.

I think its wonderful that you have the opportunity to be a SAHM. Good for you and I wouldn't worry about what the other busy bodies say.

To the first question (What do you do all day?), people don't deserve a real response. There's no good reason for anyone to ask what you do with your time ... except for, maybe, your husband. So if anyone else asks, I'd just shrug and say, "Oh ... nothing, really." They will surely get the idea that you don't want to talk about it. If they press for more of an answer, I might ask them why they want to know. It really is none of their business, and if that doesn't shut them down, I'd tell them so.

To the second question, my answer is no. You're NOT supposed to look tacky and let your kids look like rag dolls. But some people are more comfortable with more "casual" dress ... some people feel better when they're "dressed." Seeing you and your kids "dressed" may make them feel lazy or guilty for not getting "dressed" themselves. I'd just give a quick response (maybe "Oh, we just like getting dressed up when we have a chance to get out of the house.") and then change the subject ("Isn't this great weather we've had the last few days?"). Try NOT to take offense (even if some is intended) and don't stop doing what's comfortable to you. Once everyone gets to know everyone else, the comments will stop and life can go on.

Hi KE,
First of all I would suggest you try to not feel so offended, some people are nosy, some are just curious, some wish they were in your shoes, and some are just rude. You know what you do is SO IMPORTANT AND VALUABLE. You are proud of what you do and who you are, and so am I. Many commend you for staying home and taking care of your family. Some people are so quick to judge and we just have to let that roll of our shoulders and be kind to them anyway. This will bring you more peace.

Second, instead of saying I'm a stay at home mom, I usually say I work at home/or from home. I take care of my family. etc... I remember at one time saying, "I'm a domestic engineer". If needed I would go on to say, "Oh I stay busy all day, ya just don't know." Anyway also know that if you have some days were you stay in your pjs most of the day feed the kids, enjoy spending time with them. Sit down and have lunch and just take a break, that's okay!! Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Life isn't about working ourselves to the bone and being misserable. You are a blessed woman to be able to stay at home and WORK, cause we do WORK, it's a good thing and okay. You have to first make all this okay within yourself. Then, I think the condemation will not come upon you. We can't let others steal our peace, its not worth it.

And on the comment about how nice ya'll look, again, shake off the condemation you feel. Be proud you have nice clean clothes and that you take care of you and yours kids appearance. Tell them no pics today, but thank you, we try to look our best! Whats wrong with that. If someone is snoody about it maybe they are less fortunate and hurting. I have found that most people who aim to offend are hurting people and it's our privilage, and should be our motivation to later in quite pray for them. Encourage them. Anyway, hope some of this helps. You continue to work for your family, take care of yourself and be proud of the position and season your in. No condemnation for those who are in Christ. Keep up the good work girl!! S.

I know how you feel. It happens a to me as well and I've been at at home mom for almost 20 yrs. I was "at home" 3 yrs before we decided to get pregnant so I really got a lot of rude questions and comments.

First off....When asked where I work, etc...I simply say "I am mom". My husband has been VERY kind at backing me up and singing praises of me and how much I do when he witnesses this question. That usually shuts people up. Some people need a rude comeback, I've done that as well.

I do work a lot at home because I manage the finances of our company business by keeping updated and detailed Quickbooks, I manage all my hubby's travel arrangements and our personal finances. I do not employ a housekeeper regularly....I will occasionally have someone help with with a huge cleaning, maybe once a year. I ADORE being involved at the school.

I believe it is SO important to be involved with your children all through their school years, maybe even more so at high school (my daughter is in 9th grade). I am constantly on the go with her and involved with volunteering at her school.

Keep your chin up.....be proud of what you are doing. You have 2 children who will thank you someday!

I realize SAHM is not for everybody and would never judge someone if they prefer to work outside the home.

TF

Hi KE!

I didn't get to read through all the comments, but looks like a lot of good stuff. I just wanted to add something - I used to ask that ques to some Mom's...however, it was because I was a working Mom (outside the home) and struggling with that role. I spent months trying to decide whether to stay at my job or become a SAHM. Since I had worked for the past 20 yrs (since I was 15 yrs old), it was kind of scarey to make that leap into not working. So, I would ask SAHMs ques, just to try to help me make my decision. I KNOW being a MOM (SAHM or working) is hard work!! I was let go of my job this summer and I'm now a SAHM...I'm loving it too! So, it was a blessing in disguise to finally be let go :o). I hope you don't take offense to people asking...they may just be like me and trying to figure out a good fit for them as well.

Blessings to you!
A.

Hi K.E.,
As someone who is going to stop working in less than a month- I am one of those curious people. While I am so excited to be able to give the best part of the day to my son (instead of people who don't deserve my best), I am really apprehensive that I won't be able to care for him and run the house.
Granted some people ask out of curiousity, jealousy, weirdness, etc, but I bet most are truly interested and in AWE that you can do this!!

I work outside of the home, so I cannot completely understand. However, my mom stayed home with us and used to say that she worked "inside of the home" when someone asked what she did. She managed the family finances and budget. Additionally, she managed all household needs. I used to view her as the CEO of the family because that is actually what she was. She viewed what she did as a career and positioned it that way. Be confident in what you do and don't worry about other people. No one will truly understand unless they are in your shoes. However, if I worked inside the home I would do what my mom did. Now when I ask someone about their careers; I always ask "do you work outside the home". That way if they do not it does not diminish or make them feel that what they do is less work than what I do. Kind of hard to put into writing; however, hopefully that made sense.

Wth great pride and a huge smile and answer "da du dah...SuperMom...(cape not included)"
I applaud you being a stay at home mom, you cook, clean, do laundry, play secretary, nurse and teacher all for the whopping yearly income of a happy family!!!
Do not act apologetic, look at them and ask them what THEIR mom did when they were growing up, and they will either smile and nod, or have a quizzical look that stops the ignorance.
You go Super MOM!!!

Well I think that women that have never stayed at home really don't understand the in and outs of doing it. Some may ask in a way that's ugly (some are jealous, you know) and some may simply be curious. The fact that you seem to be so bothered by them makes me think that you don't have the support you need by other stay at home moms. Do you belong to a playgroup of other like yourself? If not it would be great for you and your kids to be around others that live the same lifestyle. You will feel less defensive when people ask. If you are really confident about what you are doing your not going to care about what others think. Please don't ever loose sight that what "work" you are doing is one of the most important "jobs" there is. You are investing your life 24/7 to children that someday will benefit greatly from your time and effort of today.
I would simply just be honest to someone that asks. If they "get it" great. If not, oh well. If they keep bugging you about it, tell them that they are. Be content and enjoy where you are now, it will pass all to quickly.
I'm going to ask God that he help give you the words that you need when these questions arise and build you up in confidence in what you are doing. Your children are like your ministry, your doing plenty. ")
Best Regards,
C.

People ask me the same question and I tell them that I work on making my house a home, and taking care of my family. That usually encompasses everything =)

Hi K.E.!
I went from being a 70 hour a week spa manager to being a stay at home mom and I will tell you managing hundreds of people and a multi million dollar spa was easier than this 2 year old little boy!
When my old colleagues call me I get the same questions. I usually tell them something like I am busy teaching our next president how to clean up his own room! That starts a new conversation and they forget about my schedule. If you are uncomfortable with politics, tell them you are raising a couple of prince charmings or you are working on a "few good men".
As for how you look.....they are jealous. When they ask, just say I am teaching them about personal hygiene and self worth.
I personally started a little side business so now when people ask me I give them a business card or my web addy ( www.BabyNeedsMilk.etsy.com ). People tend to leave me alone after that!
Just smile and be yourself! Most working Moms just want to be you!

There were so many responses I didn't read them but my first reaction to your post was surprise. Being on the working mom side of it, I didn't realize I might be offending anyone if I asked about their life as a SAHM. Thanks for the wake up call!

I can't say that I've ever really gotten into that deep of questions if I was just making casual conversation with another woman...say....someone I'd met at the park. But if it was someone I wanted to get to know as a possible friend I would usually ask those type questions because I wanted her as a friend and wanted to get to know her better. Not that I wanted to quiz her or critique her on her choices to stay and home. I'll definately be more careful--I truly had no idea this type of thing was offensive. Or maybe it was just the manner in which these other women were asking?

Regarding your second question about looking tacky because you stay at home. I've never heard of such a thing. This, too, stumps me. If I choose to be a SAHM, I would LOVE it if my kids looked (everyday) like they just had their photos done. Which, I can sadly say that mine don't...but it has nothing to do with my chosen career path. I've got a tomboy daughter who thinks every mud puddle and dirt pile is calling her name. LOL

Anyway, maybe other people who speak to you are just trying to be friendly or make conversation.If this type of conversation offends you I'd give the shortest answer you can think of and quickly walk away. I'm sure they won't chase you down for an answer!

I'm not a stay at home mom-I work, a lot. My first full time job is my two daughters and I work 50+ hours a week never mind my 2.5+ hour roundtrip communte and I help my husband with his construction business in my spare time. Your post struck enough of a cord for me to respond from "the other side."

I stayed at home for a week with my daughter while she was sick and I almost went nuts. This is the reason those of us who are tacky ask you these questions-because you are the subject matter expert and we are not. My otherwise sweet daughter pushed every button she could and then some. Never mind the part she was fine by Wednesday afternoon and couldn't go back 'til Monday. I'm sure I speak for many moms who work outside the home when I say, we don't understand. How do you accomplish the housework, the cooking, the shopping, etc with the kids undertow all day is a curious thought for us. I'm used to packing it in on the weekends. The fact you & your children are dressed and look nice is something we want to understand how you're getting it done. My kids typically look nice & I don't go anywhere without makeup but I can't remember the last time I did my nails, you know?

I realize I'm rambling but I think there is something working moms hope to gain/learn from women who stay at home. While it may not be our choice, there are certainly things you do or have the time to do that we'd like to figure out!

This is just so you'll know some things dont change...20 years ago when I had my first daughter I worked outside the home and took 3 months off after her birth, a male relative asked me "what did you do on your vacation?"
Now he has 2 children under 5 years and a wife who stays home, I guess he found out.

I think, first of all, you have to just develop thick skin about it. Sometimes people ask because, frankly, they are jealous. They would LOVE to be able to stay home with their kids but just can't.

Secondly, I would just be honest. "I do dishes, I play with my child, we sing songs & cuddle, I take her to play dates, I grocery shop, I iron my husband's work clothes" etc. And feel free to add, "I'm doing the most important job in the world: I'm putting my children's needs first. I'd love to go to work and see adults every day, but right now I feel like my children need me more."

If people are rude, just call them on it. Simply say, "Well, who would you rather spend your day with if money were not an issue? Adults who are strangers, or your own children? Because, while money is an issue for my family too, we've just made a commitment to make sacrifices so that I can be there for my kids."

BUT MAINLY I would just start to hang out with more SAHM's and avoid the people who don't understand. I've come to the point where I make no apologies. Staying at home is no picnic either. And anyone who can't understand that doesn't deserve my time.

They just don't understand. They have no clue what you could possibly do all day. It was uncomfortable going from working full time to staying at home. That was 12 years ago for me. But eventually I got used to people asking and I would smile and eventually get comfortable saying oh you know the usual. Then turn the question parade back on them.

When my kids were a little older I took the opportunity of the little free time I got and started writing. Writing was my passion, not the degree I got or the field I went into after college. I now have 3 books published and 2 coming out next year. I have many friends who have followed their passion and are on the boards of volunteer places.

I'm so sorry you get all these questions. I wish I was a stay at home mom! Don't worry what people think! They really don't think about you as much as you think. Dr. Phil says something like that.

Hey -
I work (single mom) and I ask those kinds of questions because I am seriously curious. I'm not trying to belittle the person, but rather learn what kinds of opportunities they have with their kids (zoo outings or whatever) and also if they have any tricks of the trade for house cleaning/organizing. Secret recipes, etc. Trust me, I know plenty of stay at home moms whose lives are even busier than mine because they have a lot of activities (and the opportunity to participate in those activies) set up for the family. But, I know that they also have "secrets" about how to get things done. So, I'm just curious. I never thought about it being rude. But, I have also never asked a very "casual" acquantance those questions. I mainly ask friends that have chosen to stay home after they have been working (and whom I have known for many years).

-L.

Ok, as a working mom, I work hard to look good and my children too. But there is only 24 hours a day given to me. You have the same 24 hours but none taken away to keep food on the table. Yes, you work hard at home, if you dress your kids nice then I assume you keep your house nice too. However you are not away out of the house for 10-12 hours. So in between washing dishes and laundry you spend a few minutes fixing the bows in your daughters hair. That's it. Consider that comment as a complement that not only are you JUST a tay-home-home but one that takes her job seriously and you are teaching your children to dress right. Someday they will land a job over all the other kids that where never taught how to take pride in their apperance. It's a complement to you no matter who is saying it or how they say it, so ignor them or take it with pride.

Second, the personal question thing, why not try asking these people questions and turn the conversation in your control. Asking just one good question can get a stranger,friend,who ever talking in stead of asking you personal questions.. If it's a guy tslk about sports, or another mother where her favorite city park is where she takes her kids. Ask things that's on your mind. People love being asked questions, it makes them feel like you care and are interested in hearing what they have to say.
People ask questions because they are tring to be nice. They could just stand beside you and not say anything. They could just stand beside you and not say a word. After all what would a SAHM have in common with a working mom? They ask out of a type of jealousy. As you desribe what you do, they are day dreaming it's them in your shoes.
Mainly people are just being nice without realizing it is offencef to you.

I overdress my daughters a lot and people tease me about it. I just giggle and say, "I just can't help it! I think they're so adorable!"
Don't be offended.

I just laugh and tell people that I don't do anything except take care of the kids! Usually they get the hint and stop pressing the issue.
About the being all dress up comments- yeah, I've gotten those too! I guess more then a tee-shirt and jeans is too much for some people to handle- they don't realize that we like to look nice too! don't let it get too you- find another mom who doesn't do anything(not even her hair-lol!) and hang out with her. Chances are- she's getting the same comment as you!
from another frumpy- soap opera-couch potato mama!
~C.

Just sounds to me like people are trying to make conversation to TRY to get to know you.

That's easy, I tell everyone that, "I watch soap operas and eat bon bons" and then I laugh really hard! When they ask me what my husband does, I tell them, "He works for ______ and his check is directly deposited--that's all I need to know" and then I laugh again.

Well I only read a few of the replies and I agree that you shouldn't be offended - people rarely mean to be rude even if they come across that way. That being said, my grandmother taught me a great response to any question that makes me uncomfortable or that I don't want to answer "Why do you ask?". It redirects and gets you out of answering the question without being rude back. Works great! Good luck!

I haven't read any responses but just wanted to say when I meet "new" peole and they ask about "What do you do?" (whick happens to be a job outside of the home) the people usually follow up and ask questions like what do you sell, who do you sell to, wherre is your office, ect. Isn't it kinda the same? Trying to generate conversation?

I truly don't see any need to reply defensively or in a sarcastic way. I think they are simply curious. I've been a SAHM mom now for about 2 years, and frankly I'm curious as to how working moms do it all. When people ask me what I do all day, I simply tell them. As to the issue of your appearance, take it as a compliment and leave it at that.

After reading some of the other posts, can I just say that I'm shocked at how many people think it's a good idea to return sarcasm with sarcasm, rudeness with rudeness, etc. Seriously people, is this what you're teaching your children? Of course I wasn't there to judge the tone of the questions that made you angry, but I see nothing wrong with the questions themselves.

I hear these same questions a lot as well. Think of it as people expressing interest in your life. Try to not be on the defensive. Instead, model gracious behavior to your children in these "situations."

I am recently a SAHM. I was laid off in the spring and will admit had always wondered what women did who stayed at home especially if their kids were in school. Boy I am busier now than when I worked outside the home. I do have a home based business now that I am working to get off the ground, but I have more time to volunteer too. Love it and love for once having my own business.

I would enjoy the look on peoples face when I told them that I was the Chief Executive Officer of a small corporation! The fact of the matter is that you are a language special education teacher, an organizer, a chef, a nurse. You are many things and have many "jobs". And you have the best job in the whole wide world.

NEVER be ashamed of being the person with the opportunity to mold and shape the future of our great country and your family! I have 3 grown daughters who are now raising their own families and following in my footsteps. Now what better satisfaction can you have than that!

Now go get the next person that asks and SHOCK them into silence!

K. Voigtsberger
Certified Birth Doula (DONA)
Certified Bradley Method® of Childbirth Educator

I agree with Tara P I recently asked these questions to my SAHM friends because for the first time in my life my dream can now come true of staying home and I wanted to get some good advice about how they manage their time and finances. I wanted to get an idea of what their daily routine looks like. Don't be offended most mommies would like to stay home and raise their kids themselves.

Personally, I'd be flattered that someone, even a stranger, took such interest in my daily life. Maybe they are curious how we SAHM do it or are wanting some ideas for themselves or other family memebers on being at home all day. Again, I'd be flattered if someone complimented me and my kids on looking nice. I don't think they think you usually look bad. They just mean you look extra nice today, which is a compliment. I think maybe you are judging these people too harshly or you have some negetive feeling about being a SAHM. Be proud you CHOOSE to be a SAHM and just start firing questions back at them about their lives if you feel they are getting too personal.

on the flip side, working moms are asked all the time "but how do you do it all? wouldn't it just be easier to stay home?" it's not always a choice for us or a choice that we want even. just tell them i run the house and take care of my children. short and sweet answer.

Tell them you work at home. I once worked full time and now only work two days a week. At first I felt that need to explain myself when asked the same question - being at home is a full time job. Don't even let it offend you - just ignore it. :)

whoa there, calm down a little . . . sounds like you're a little bit defensive . . . don't be offended, moms who work outside the home are very curious (and a little jealous) of moms who are able to stay at home. If we ask those questions, it's mainly because we dream about it and want to know how close our "dreams" are to reality; so, when asked those questions just be honest and tell them how hard you are working to "stay at home." Also, as a working mom, I feel a little bit like a failure because I can't dedicate my life to my kids and husband - I'm stuck at work and don't get to cook and clean like I'd like to. Add to that the fact that we miss out on a lot of our babies "firsts," school trips, school parties, etc . . . if you feel like someone is judging you, that is the way they have chosen to feel better about themselves. Don't take it personal, be proud that you are able to do what you do (and do it so well). Try to have a little compassion for those of us who don't have that opportunity . . . and please don't listen to the tacky responses already posted - those women seem to have a very serious chip on their shoulder.

What you say when people ask if you work is this: "Yes! I work! I have an extremely demanding job. I'm on call 24/7. I'm a chef and cater to my customers. I'm also a maid and laundress. I'm a art director and at times I'm also a nurse. I specilize in household management. I'm a professional organizer of domestic duties and my calling is so great that you can see how good I am at my job by looking at my family and myself!" This is the ABSOLUTE truth too. I would know because I'm a stay at home mom myself and my work is NEVER done. Being a stay at home mom is the equivilent of two outside the home jobs! How terribly RUDE of so many people to ask such things. Aren't they just being catty and snide? Judging you below them? That irks me. I used to stammer and say I stayed home but now my immediate response is that "Oh yes-I work full time!" When they ask what I do for a living then I reply the above with whatever variation happens to come to me.

When someone asks if you had pictures done that day since you all look so nice you simply smile and say- Why how nice of you to notice that we take care in our appearance. Not all moms are together like you are so pat yourself on the back and know you're ahead of the game!

Dear KE

I'm SAHM too! Blessed with a wonderful husband who is able to handle our family financial by one sellery. It's not for big jumps, but we can live comfortable and our both girls (9&6) are missing (hopefully) nothing. We made the dicision I stay home for our children together. We wanted to have one of us who is taking care about "our" kids, and not others. I was working since I'm 19 years old, we got our daughters late. I was 35 with my first child, almost 39 with the second. Our priority was and is to be there for every thing, every need our children are in. The time they growe up so fast, isn't repeatable. For those parents who "have" to work, because they are in need for the sellery I can understand, for those who just want to have everything, a career and children, they should think about what is more important. Of course I have days, were I think my head is just filled with the needs of my kids, sometimes I go angry, because children are not very thankful, but when I see they bring good notes from school, they have friends, they are very social, they have fun and they are happy to see me in school and after school, I completely sure, i did the absolutely right thing. And there is so much to do, at home, as volunteer in school and so on. So I'm a really hard working mom too, just without a constant sellery. We should receive a managers sellery, for all that we do. Maybe you should just answer" I'm SAHM mom, but I'm a family manager and my bussiness is running very well!"
They sign in my car is speaking for this too: "Moms taxi"!
Bleesing, E.

I'm a work-outside-the-home mom that wishes she were a sahm. I've asked a few of these questions myself (although not all at once! :) I'm genuinely interested because I want to be able to stay at home some day, and I want to know how others' lives are structured who were able to choose to stay at home. If I were you, I'd take these questions as big ol' compliments and move on.

Just my perspective:
As a mom who works outside of the home, I respect the job you do and just like I'd ask anyone about their job I may ask you about your day and duties, goals and what is satisfying to a mom who works in the home, just as readily as I'd ask one who works outside of the home. It is interesting, a way to make connections and learn about your life.
It is also a great way for moms (wherever you work) to get advice and tips. I would certainly not take the questions as challenging your role or someone setting you up to justify your chosen profession, just looking to learn something new and learn about who you are. People have to start somewhere and the work place (whether your living room or an office) feels like a "safe" place to start.