D.B.
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Charlotte
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I call it "reverse" trust issues because my husband seems to always think I don't trust him because of little things I say and do and we have fought about it quite a bit over our 15 years of marriage. It all stems from (in his mind) an incident in our first month of dating - 17 years ago!! He ended up with another girl and we broke up over it and several months later got back together. I have to admit maybe the first year or 2 of marraige I would be a little insecure at times, but honstly I am SO over it and have been for 95% of our time together. But he still thinks if I call him and say, "Hi, whatcha doing?" He thinks I am checking up on him. Then if I ask what he's done all day (curious, interested. . .not spying!) he thinks I want a step by step detail of his day because I don't trust him. He doesn't understand that I say these things to anyone I talk to. . .my mom, my friends, etc. and that thinking he's with another woman is the furthest thing from my mind until he gets defensive, secretive and angry (passive-aggressive toward my questions). And he also doesn't understand that a woman with trust issues would be checking his cell phone and computer use (I have never done either, but I see friends who do this sort of thing).
He even realizes that it may be his own issues that is causing the trouble. He admits that he probably is the cause, but he says any kind of inquisition from me brings up all the bad feelings and memories from the past. How can I communicate with my husband without him always worrying that I'm a psycho???
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He gets defensive?
When my husband gets defensive, it's his "go to" because he HAS done something wrong. With my husband it's not on par with "was with another woman" but still...something he knows he shouldn't have done (or my my DH, it's usually something he knows he SHOULD have done & didn't).
Honestly...if I were you...I probably WOULD be checking his phone now.
Sounds like he's guilty of something. My favorite quote is ... People who have nothing to hide ..... hide nothing at all! I think you probably should be checking up on him.
I dont think people should call or text each other during the work day.
Counseling. You haven't been able to "fix" it yourself in 15 years so there's nothing new and magic you can say. There are some deep-seated issues here and they need to be addressed with an objective professional. Otherwise you will have another 15 years of this. There's something going on.
wow he really needs to talk to someone, dont get me wrong I dont normally advocate running to a therapist but if you cant ask your husband about his day without " issues" he really needs to work that out. My husband and I split for three years we both dated and then got back together, when I ask him what he is doing he tells me what he is doing it is not and inquisition. The past is the past he needs some help to get over it
My husband and I text during the day, usually once in the AM and once in the PM, just to ask "how is your day going?". Texting allows us to answer when we have time, but still feel connected. Sometimes we have serious questions and sometimes just some silly exchanges, but neither takes it as an inquisition. Can you wait until he asks you how your day was? Perhaps it is the frequency of your inquiries that is bothering him. Perhaps tell him that you would like to communicate once or twice during the workday and then again once you are both at home (maybe after a half hour for changing into comfy clothes, or putting stuff away). If he thinks this is too much, then maybe a deeper discussion about how he views your relationship and what ideally he would prefer in terms of communication? You can then sort of negotiate what is acceptable/enjoyable for both. It could very well be that something totally different is bugging him, but he is misplacing his annoyance by complaining about your very common question. Good luck.
