How Do I????

I agree that you shouldn't feel bad for looking at his phone! My hubby and I have each others password to email, facebook, etc. We have no problem with free access to computers, cell phones, etc. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. If I find something I don't like or want to know more about, I show it to my husband and say "what's this?" And he explains. If I don't like the explanation, we talk about it. Better to have an argument and be able to resolve it than for you to hold it in and let it fester. Good luck!

You should not feel guilty. In a marriage I feel that my husband can look through my emails, phone or whatever and I have nothing to worry about because I am not doing anything that I would have to hide. He is the same way. I can pick up his phone and use it etc.
Just my thinking.
I do not know what you found but maybe it is something easily explained. But I would ask.

Do you have a Facebook? If no tell him you want to be on his & look up some old friends or you just want to see what all the hype is about. Then you can tell him you were just getting used to the site & tell him you came across this & ask him what its about.

If you do have a FB account then you are just going to have to be blunt with him & let him know that you snooped because of the past situations & that

Sorry you are going thru this

honesty is always the best policy

Okay- you said you found something on his phone. Was this by accident... or was it INTENTIONAL "snooping?" It seems you intended to look at his phone... since you said he was acting "strange."

The thing is: if I use my Hubby's phone or look at it, and if he looks at my phone and uses it.... we BOTH do not care. Because we have nothing to hide on it. And, I don't mind, and he doesn't mind if we perhaps have to use the other's phones sometimes. Whether it is a personal cell phone or even our wallets... we don't have to hide it, if we happen to need to get something from it or use it. AND we do so, by asking the other person first, because it is only having manners and being considerate and polite.

Now, since your Hubby is acting strange. How about just asking him? Or telling him "Honey you've been acting strange lately... how come?.... I'm just concerned...."

I would just ask him.
Being direct but non-confrontational.

We all do things sometimes that we in hindsight think was rude or what have you. So, you admit that.. and its fine. You do not seem like a "habitual" person who disregards one's privacy. So generally you are respectful and seem quite honest. So... just ask your Hubby..... really.

If someone is doing something wrong... why should the other person skirt around it and walk on eggshells? It is them that is doing something wrong... not you. You have nothing to hide.

Its all about protecting the wrong-doer... or not?
And no matter what, wrong-doer's do not like being wrong.. and they do not like being "caught." So yes of course most wrong-doer's are defensive and it might lead to unpleasant conversation. But do not let the wrong-doer switch blame onto you... KEEP the subject on point. But hear them out... and see if there is a rational HONEST explanation. Or not.

All the best,
Susan

My two cents worth - and I am not going to ask what you found -

A relationship never has secreats to the extent that you are implying.... - so - if you happen to go into your husbands phone - and you find something - you simply ask him up front - get it out and get his response. - Honesty in a relationship is always a key issue. When you begin to have doubt - and then you begun to second guess yourself and his fidelity and your relationship as a whole - your issues simply get worse - letting it brew only makes it worse.

good luck!

Never ask a question you don't want the answer to.

If you're prepared to explain what you were doing invading his privacy (and jumping to perverted, and possibly completely inaccurate conclusions) feel free to tell him you've done so.

If you expect him to be invading your privacy, and are completely okay with that, go nuts.

Otherwise, you might like to take a different way: personal responsibility.

Your marriage is 100% your responsibility (take it easy, it's also 100% his), so if you're thinking that your guy is going shoppin' you may like to ask what's different between your behaviour today and how you approached him and responded to him the day he proposed...

Men stay happily married to women who help them feel better about themselves when they're with them than when they're without them. If he's feeling worse about himself these days when you're around than when you're not, you may like to wonder how you got here.

Do you operate from a position of 'I can do anything I want, he's stuck with me'? Or do you appreciate his presence and know that he's a free agent, whatever the paperwork says?

Just say "you were acting preoccupied, and I was worried...what is this?"

I keep the communication open with my husband. By that, I mean that I'm always looking at his stuff and sharing my stuff, asking questions and explaining things on my end. I do respect my husband's privacy, but it would not be strange at all for me see something (wherever) and ask about it. I don't let too much sit for long. I like to understand my husband's motivations, etc., and I share mine with him.

I don't know how long you've been married or how odd it would be to explain your "snooping". I agree with a previous poster that you should not ask a question that you don't want the answer to.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger to learn how to be your husband's "girlfriend" again. Then you will never have to worry about him being curious anywhere. You have the power to keep him all to yourself. It works and it is worth it! There is also "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." If you aren't a reader or don't have the time, just get it on CD.

I don't feel what you did is wrong. You guys are married and neither of you should have anything to hide. He won't get upset about it if he has nothing to hide. I really think you should talk to him about it but be careful how you word it so he won't instantly get defensive. If you don't want to talk about what you found then just say to him I noticed things haven't been the same for us lately is there anything we can do to fix it? Get him into a conversation about your relationship and see if he will openly discuss how he's feeling about it. If your interested on making things between you guys the best you can, buy a book called The Five Love Languages: How to express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Very easy read and very insightful. You can find it at Family Christian Store or online. If you go to amazon you can read passages from it. It helped me change my relationship with my husband!

I only glanced at a few of the many responses you have already received, so this is just off the cuff.

In such a situation, I would also regret looking at the phone and whatever info you saw there. Maybe you could inquire gently about his acting strangely. Maybe you could talk around the issue. You might find an opening where you can honestly talk about your impulse to look at his phone and what exactly you found on the phone.

Another tactic would be to find a friend, pastor or someone who could mediate between you two. This person would need to be someone you, as well as your husband, would trust and listen.

Still, don't wait too long. Good luck!

I don't know what you found. But I found a womens number in my husbands phone, Called it and got a voicemail. I was devistated.
So after brewing for a few days. I asked him straight out, whos number. To find out. It was a 50 yr old women who was renting a house from us. Felt completely awful. But felt better to know the truth.
It may be a simple mix up, please do yourself a favor just ask,him. Men do better when we ask directly, you'll probley get a direct response. Praying for you.

Christina your intuition is usually right on so go with it. You were completely in the right to snoop & if I were you I would snoop alot more. Your husband may not have cheated sexually at this point but he has emotionally. In my book it's all the same. This doesn't mean that your marriage can't be saved if you want to save it. Go to marriagebulders.com. There is alot of information there that will help you to deal with this and read, read & read some more. Then confront your husband with what you found. Both of you should be open books with each other as I'm sure you very well know.

I was married for 15 yrs & my now ex had many emotional & sexual affairs. They started out like this with just some curiosity and then progressed. It hurt & tore me up inside. Please don't let your husbands progress if you want this marriage. I wish you all the best & if I can help in any way, please let me know.

God Bless

Hi christina,

If you found questionable photos..........I have found that guys do that all the time. They always seem to have one friend who likes to send them out. My husband deletes them. There are also automatic texting that is from women that I snooped and found on my husbands phone. Made sure I took care of that real quick. I texted back and got his name removed. Nothing wrong with snooping if you feel like something is different.

D.

Be honest about the snooping and apologize for doing it. Then talk to your husband about what you found. I wouldn't accuse, just go with the facts and how it made you feel. Give him the opportunity to explain and then go from there. Don't beat yourself up about snooping. Everyone has done it at least once. Good luck!

Never doubt your intuition. This is why you checked. Don't worry about being judged for that..worry about how your going to handle what you found. Are you sure that you aren't reading into something that may be nothing?

Hello Christina,
I dont thinks u should feel bad about snooping YOUR INTUTION IS TELLING YOU! something is out of the NORM so you acted upon it. However if there is nothing going on then it will look as if u r looking for something, thats ok if there is nothing you all can move on. I feel that u should tell your husband that u went through his phone because u felt as if something wasnt right and wanted to have some form of proof b4 comfronting him and then let him know about what have seen.. I am so sorry that u have to go through this. I hope it all works out for the best. Remember communication is key and in a situation like this u should express All of ur feelings. By no means is it appropreiate to receive message from another female/male that u wouldnt want ur spouse to know about!

I did the same exact thing, and I waited a while out of fear that he would be angry. But I finally fessed up to what I did, told him I'd been snooping because I felt insecure and he was on the phone a lot lately, etc. so he knew my reasons. And it turned out it wasn't what I thought, of course. Plus he said I can go through his phone, texts, etc. anytime I want since he has nothing to hide. So I would suggest coming clean and it probably won't be near as bad as anything you imagine on your own, like all the scenarios I imagined. Also I tend to get insecure at times, probably hormones or whatever! But now my husband knows so he isn't caught off-guard and he's very supportive and helps me feel better. Good luck!

Communication is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship, and it sounds like it's missing in yours. Talk to your husband, admit that you snooped because you were worried about his behavior, and you want to talk about what is going on. Good luck!

It might be a good idea to wait and snoop a little more to be sure what you found wasn't a one time thing(depending on what it is). Get a lot of evidence before you confront him with it. You don't want him to say it only happened once blah blah blah :)
So, I say, snoop some more!!!!
Good luck!

I have only read a few of the other answers, but most of them seem to pretty much agree with what I would have said, so I won't reiterate. My own rule of thumb is that it is cheating the minute you do something you wouldn't want the other to see/hear/read/find out about. At the very least, what you found deserves a serious conversation with your husband. A singles ad involving a married man is NEVER innocent, nor is it ever OK. He may not have cheated on you YET, but if you let this go long enough, it will go there.

If he is acting strange, DON'T ignore it. Your instincts are there for a reason, and they are better than most people give them credit for.

Its not snooping when it's your husband. Your husband is your business. There is a reason you went snooping in the first place and maybe finding whatever you found was meant to be. That's not to say that what you found has any significance at all. It may just be nothing, but then again, I don't know what you found.

I believe you owe it to yourself and him to give him the opportunity to answer any questions you may have. But I would probably do a little research first, just a few more days. Right now it seems he does not suspect anything so he may not be as careful and you can get more info that way. However, It is obvious that this is something that bothers you and it will impact your marriage if you don't say anything soon because it will fester and show up in your relationship thru extra clingyness, or a wall of indifference on your part. If you think you can handle this situation until you gather a few more messages, then I say wait. But eventually you will have to ask him. Living in denial, unfortunately will not make what you found or think you have found go away. I personally don't believe in secrets in a relationship. That includes but is not limited to phone conversations, messages, e-mail, facebook accounts, checkings and savings accounts, credit card bills,etc. In my opinion, if he feels comfortable enough doing it, then he should feel totally at ease about me seeing it. If that becomes a problem, then you best believe we will have a problem. However, I can not speak on how you guys handle things in your relationship. But either way, I would be asking or researching if I found something that bothered me.

But before you ask him, ask yourself, if he does admit that something is wrong or going on, what do you plan on doing about it. If nothing, then if I were you, I would not ask many questions or dig further. There is a difference between thinking he is doing something and knowing he is doing something. If you know and he knows you know and you don't do anything, then he will most likely be more bold about it. Just prepare yourself for what you may find out when you do your research and when you ask him. It may be nothing, but it may be. There is no way of knowing unless you hear his side and check his phone.

Okay so I have to agree with some of the ladies who said honest is the best option...at this point I really believe that you have to be honest with yourself...signing up, looking at, or calling a dating service knowing you are married is like signing up, looking at, or calling around for trouble. If you keep quiet about it does nothing but, eat you up on the inside so you have to ask yourself would I rather wait 6 months with this on my heart and then find out he is actually cheating and I could have saved myself 6 months of additional drama (which if he is cheating I'm not saying leave him, I'm just saying put it the situation on the table.) I pray that you will find peace with whatever decision you make and that he gets it together

All I say is becareful and aware. I did that and never said nothing and he cheated on me in the end anyway. So good luck to you. This doesn't mean that yours will do that but thats how I first found out then he started not coming home on time leaving to unexpected trips so forth. Good luck.

I'm not sure what you found... sometimes that is enough punishment for snooping. If you feel a need to talk to him about what you found - be honest about how you found it & why you looked. You did say he was acting a bit strange. Which can be hard to handle in its self.

I have looked at my hubby's computer a few times - I usually tell him because I felt uneasy about ????? after you were ????. I did look on your computer and found ?????. I'm not saying the conversation doesn't end up in a argument... it usually does. But at the sametime I have given him the ablity to look on my computer & at my cell (he doesn't have one), after 15 yrs there is nothing on either for him to get upset about.

I do feel that marrage is about trust, but sometimes the trust is broken by one or both parties. Most of the time it is worth fixing, but that can't happen unless you talk to him about what is bothering you (what you found & his actions before you found it). But remember - he will want to talk to you about what you found & why he was acting the way he was. Also, he will quesiton your actions unless he feels they were just based on his actions. But be willing to listen not just talk when you confront him with everything, or the fixing will get even harder to do.

I wish you luck & the strenght to work through all this!

It depends on what it is that you found. Go with your heart. If it's going to eat away at you, then bring it up and let him know that you were looking for a phone number b/c you were planning a surprise get together, etc. I know it's deceptive, but if he is sneaking around, then that's also deceptive- so no worries about accessing his phone. Can you tell I've done this before and have even done a reverse no search just to find out that I took one text msg out of context and it was one of his guy friends goofing around w/him. lol- Good thing I didn't bring it up. All in all, you have to be prepared for if he does say that something is going on. Good luck.

I'm not going to read the other responces but my advice is to maybe spice things up or nonshanlantly ask if he or "we" need to talk about anything on his mind or yours. Just don't act all weird around him!! Good Luck!

I would ask. You were snooping on a suspision and you were right. My husband would never consider it snooping if I looked at his phone becasue he has nothing to hide. I would have to ask or I would go crazy. Just get it over with.

OMG...I just went through this with my husband literally the past three weeks. I never found anything on phone, just too many wierd and different behaviors that I started noticing. I stewed for 2 weeks and finally broke down in tears during dinner time one night. I told him I noticed him not happy anymore, is he happy, what has changed, what can we change, just really focused on us, not on what I was suspecting. My last straw was me noticing him putting on a passcode on his phone. I saw the number he put in one day and when he fell asleep that night, I tried to get on but kept getting incorrect password message. Later I found out that I needed to push the 'alt' key before each number. He told me his password, so I felt better. I never told him that I tried to snoop. I felt way guilty, but after getting everything else off my chest and us talking over everything I feel so much better. Everything was just a big misunderstanding.

Go to a public phone and call the number. Nothing wrong with snooping if there is a problem. I have done it when I felt something was off. You are his wife and don't deserve deception.

If i was in your situation, i would go ahead and confront him on th emessage that you found. the reasoning behind this would be to nip it in the bud in the beginning. if you do not and this continues, much more may have transpired by then. Yes you snooped but it was there and he is caught. he is the one who is in the wrong, not you! A woman's intuition is a powerful thing and if you suspect something is fishy it probably is. I say confront him on his actions, it could be harmless but it could be something else.

Ask him without accusing him of something.

Trust your instinct. I wouldn't bring it up if that's the only thing you have. Men are amazing liars especially if they think they're in trouble. He will play it off with some BS story or try to convince you you're crazy. Do some detective work. Keep a detailed journal of his daily activities (when he went to work, what time he came home etc). Request a detailed copy of his phone bill. Find out if there have been other interactions with the number in question. Cross reference with your journal. See when and where he was at the time of the interactions. Confront him when you have enough evidence so he can't BS his way out of it. If you bring up suspicions now, he will only hide it better. Don't feel bad for snooping.

well first of all, it should be fine for you to look at your husbands phone. If he has nothing to hide he should be open and understanding that you felt uncomfortable with something you stumbled across on his phone. Just ask. Otherwise you will start to just boil inside. That is how my husband and i are. We have a very open we each have the same passwords free to look at whatever we want. You should be able to confront him. If he gets defensive, then, well, that is a whole other conversation.

Oh boy! What a situation to be in! Wish I knew what it was you found so I could give advice…If you ask me, you have every right to look at his phone. Why not? If he has nothing to hide he wouldn’t mind right? My husband and I can look at each other’s phone wherever we want. It’s strange to me when I hear of couples who think it’s “snooping” when they look at their spouses things. My husband and I are 100% open with each other. Anyway, I haven’t been in your shoes but if I was I wouldn’t think twice about confronting him, but almost laugh about it when I asked so not to put him on the defensive. I might say “OMG what is this on your phone? OR casually “you know, I was looking at your phone the other day and saw something that bothered me a bit” Unfortunately if he is guilty of something it doesn’t matter how you approach it…he will get defensive! Here’s a story….An acquaintance of mine had a suspicion that her husband was cheating on her. He had just been acting different, working later, going out more, etc. I encouraged her to talk to him but he kept denying it and saying SHE was paranoid. Then she found some really weird text messages on his phone. Turned out he was having an affair…but with another man. YIKES! Basically I’m saying that if your gut instinct tells you that what you found on his phone was inappropriate and you are suspicious, you should ask him! Good luck and be strong!!!!

I would casually talk about how important it is for you to keep your relationship an exclusive one, without mentioning the snooping or making him suspect you may have snooped. Find a time when it's just the two of you to rediscuss the rules of engagement of your relationship, to ask if anything has changed, to reinforce your commitment, your love, your trust. And watch his reactions. If he gets uncomfortable there's a chance he's having naughty thoughts, if you know what I mean. I would trust my gut and go from there. Feelings don't stay the same forever but the spouses' job is to help each other in weak times..I hope he'll let you help him protecting the marriage, whatever he's distracting him right now!

I would just be honest. Try to have a rational and calm discussion regarding your feelings (and what caused you to snoop in the first place), what you found and how it has made you feel. Then hopefully, together, you can move on in a positive direction.

I don't agree with "don't ask questions you don't want the answers to" philosophy. If something is bothering you, you have the right to talk about it and ask questions. It is part of the healing and moving on process. How would we ever learn anything if we didn't question it?

Take it for what it's worth, but I have been where you are now. And I have gone every road: the "continue snooping", "start a confrontation", "sit and talk", "just not say anything and pretend it didn't happen". There is no right or wrong answer. Just what works for you. And you have to live with your decision.

I'm here if you want/need to talk more. *hugs*

It depends on what it is!!! Is it a naked woman? Or a naked child? Is it a text from a woman? I would approach him about it. If it is illegal, I would call the police. Good luck.

confrontation is difficult, but if you don't it will drive you crazy. Just be honest and let the chips fall with they may.

I would just blurt it out and tell him what u found. He may get upset, but mostly because he got caught. I look at my husband's phone from time to time just as he does mine.

If you don't say anything out of fear of him telling you it was your own fault for snooping, tell him that you did it mainly because he was acting strange.

Good luck!
G.

My husband did the same thing. He goes on these singles websites & places a free ad. He also went out of town for a couple of months on job training & placed a singles ad there! I couldn't believe it and yes, I found it so that's how I know. The ad basically said he'd be in town til a certain date & if anyone wanted to hookup (to put it nicely) contact him. I couldn't believe it. You have every right to snoop if you're suspicious of your husband. It'd be great to know more details abt your issue to give you a good answer but I'm just going on assumption now so for an example, when my b-friend was cheating on me I was suspicious. The more I looked into it, the more I found out & confronted him w/the evidence. He denied it of course, most men do, even when I caught him red handed w/her but if that's your situation, I'd wait til I find more evidence too or use your best judgement if you wish to confront him w/the phone. You can always use the excuse that it was ringing & you went to answer it for him. If it's a text, you can always ask him about it but just be aware that from that point on, he'd probably delete all messages so you won't find out so then there goes your snooping tactic for the phone; you would then hafta find some other way to get more evidence. The point is, he seems to want to cheat on you. A "quick fling" as you put it IS cheating so just keep that in mind. Even if you're sure he hasn't as of yet, cheated on you, he's thinking about it. Hope this helps, good luck!

There are so many sites that you can click on accidently and sign up for without even knowing it. I wouldn't even mention it to him because if there was trust you shouldn't be snooping. But I know, it's hard sometimes you just get curious. I'm guilty of that also. I don't think you should let it bother you. He hasn't opened any of the messages anyway.

go ahead and ask him about it. my hubby looks up all sorts of people usually i am here but he has even looked up people on singles sites...for his father and other people. most of the time he tells me what he is doing so i wont get worried. it could be as simple as that! it could be more complicated. but you should ask him and dont freak out keep everything as a matter of fact. btw i only got the impression it was another woman nothing else from your origional message.

The same thing happened to me. I suspected something was going on and I was right. Needless to say, things did not end well. You checked his phone for a reason, probably because something didn't feel right to you. Maybe you sensed he was hiding something. My thought is don't do/say/text something that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse. You should not feel guilty about looking at through his phone, marriage is about love and trust. Would you be upset if he looked through your phone? At least you will be honest with him about looking through his phone. He cannot fault you for being honest.

I wish you the best of luck in working this out.

Hi Christina,

It sounds as though this is really bothering you. Do you think that will change? If not you probably need to figure out how you want to address it. It sounds to me like it probably depends on what you found and what your relationship with your husband makes you think about it. Which is to say, has he always been a good guy, and faithful to you, or has he "slipped up" in the past?

I hear what you are saying about being in the wrong for snooping, and I agree with you to an extent, assuming that your husband hasn't cheated on you in the past. If he has then I think the rules are a bit different. If he has strayed before then I think it is his job to be competely transparent with you, no secrets and nothing is off limits for you to discuss with him.

If it were me and we were talking about calls from another woman or flirty text messages, I would probably let it go, but anything else and I would bring it up with my hubby, but then I tend to be a face-it-head-on type of gal.
I'm not sure how helpful this is going to be for you, but if you want to talk about it more, send me a message.
Good luck to you!
B.

Dont feel guilty girl! Where there is smoke there is fire and i found out the hard way. I was suspicious as well and actually found another phone that the other woman paid for. He brushed it off and actually told me he knew i would get mad if i saw her number on his phone and he really didint think it was a big deal. So if your heart is telling you to snoop, SNOOP! What did you actually find?

I agree with most of the posters. Marriage is your reponsibility as well as your husbands to make it work. However, coming from the side of a woman who feels like she has a very selfish husband and it doesn't matter what I do, he's only going to expect more of it - I'd like to say that if you feel it in your gut, there is usually a reason. My husband has denied everything I've ever confronted him with, but I don't believe it. And they have a way of making you feel like your the bad guy. I finally went so far as to put a software on the computer that tracked everything. Sure enough, he had a dating profile out there. So I set up a profile myself, knowing that I would "match" with him and I contacted him. HMMMM, what do you know, I got a response. Now it wasn't asking me to meet him, but it was a response no less. I printed out every conversation and confronted him with it. Know what he said? I knew it was you. Now listen girls. There is a limit to my stupidity. I'm not saying this is what is going on, but just trust your instinct. If your not a jealous person and you "feel" and have "seen" something out of the ordinary. Do something about it before it's too late. Men are men. They are sexual creatures and they need "ego" boosting. Unfortunately, we are expected to take care of the kids, all the details of life, and still be their playtoy at night. Such is a womans position in life. I personally think that we deserve our needs met as well. Don't let it go as far as I have, and take action if you want to move forward in your marriage. Communication is the key.