Cheating? or Am I Just Crazy?

Whoa! If I were you, I'd back off. If you can't trust him, there is already something wrong long before you made that phone call. I sorry.

So let me get this straight...he is giving YOU the silent treatment b/c he DIDN'T do anything wrong? Sounds fishy to me. If he did nothing wrong, he shouldn't be so defensive. If this happened in my house, my husband would chuckle with happiness that I would even think he could get someone else.

I believe that when we become fearful that we need to stop and question what is really going on before we start acting. When we are in fear we have a tendency to react and often do things that are not in our own best interest or that won't actually help a situation and will most likely make the situation worse.

I would ask myself a few questions before making any more phone calls or accusations. What kept you from simply asking him about the phone call? Have there been other red flags? Are you following your intuition or is this a case of listening to a story in your head? Do you have suspicions because of deep seated fears you have carried around most of your life or is this a new fear? Have you had other men cheat on you? Did one of your parents cheat? On a scale of one to ten, how high is your fear level right now? What if he is telling you the truth and you are too focused on the story in your head to hear him? Does it feel like you are more in control if you confront the woman and call his work? Does the feeling of not being in control terrify you? etc.

I would recommend reading about co-dependent behaviors. Calling the woman and his work as opposed to having a clear, open, direct conversation with him is about enabling and not confronting your own fears. Also, not having that clear, open, direct conversation with him is disrespectful to your husband. Even if your assumption is correct and he is cheating and lying, you do not serve yourself by micromanaging the situation; nor will it stop the cheating and lying if that were true. Learning about enabling behaviors, why we do them, and how to heal your own fears will serve you better in the long run.

I was married to a man that had affairs for 17 years. I know the fear and the pain and the constant vigilance. I learned though that I was contributing to the problem - not the affairs but to my pain - by focusing on him rather than myself. I have healed many things in my life and have learned that as long as we sit in blame - it is someone elses fault, problem, and responsibility - then we will just continue to be in pain. I believe in taking 100% responsibility for my own pain for whatever situation I am in. If it is a bad situation I focus on my own thoughts and belief systems that helped create the situation.

For example, I had a deep seated belief that other women were better than me and that they were what men wanted. This was a belief I had since I was a teenager. It is no wonder to me now that I attracted a man that reflected my belief perfectly. I didn't create him having affairs; however, I did attract a match for my belief.

Please take a little time to look at the bigger picture. This isn't just about whether a phone call should happen or not. This is about everyone involved: your son, your husband, yourself, and any future children you may have. This is about beliefs and fears you have had since childhood. This is about beliefs and fears your husband has had since childhood. You can't go wrong by educating yourself about co-dependency, enabling behaviors, communication skills, healing false, fearful belief systems, and most importantly self-care. I wish you well on your journey, T.

Is it possible he's cheating? I suppose so, but I think it's also possible he's upset that you called one of his clients with your suspicions. If everything is on the up and up, that could start to mess with his reputation as a professional! What if word gets around to his other clients that his wife might be calling them to check up on him too? That could hurt his clientele, and that alone could be why he's upset. Also, though I don't have any personal experience in this area, I'm thinking if she was 'the other woman', she wouldn't have bothered to lie to you and cover for him. Also, he certainly knew you would be looking at the phone bill when you paid it, and did nothing to hide it or attempt to cover it up before-hand. I really want to encourage you NOT to practice the subterfuge suggested by some of the other women. If your marriage is great like you said and if he is not being unfaithful, the dishonesty will damage the relationship. If you have doubts, he is the one you should go to. If he is unfaithful, will he lie? Probably. But in time, you will also see more red flags. If you start to see certain patterns of behavior overall that are secretive and that he is defensive about, I would start getting suspicious at that point. I know your insecurities have been raised by this, but to me it doesn't seem like enough to draw any conclusions just yet. Keep your eyes open, and do your best to keep communications opened. I hope you can resolve this soon!

This may sound harsh, but I don't believe that you have been happy up until this point. If you truly were so happy then why couldn't you ask him about the phone call directly? Why did you have to call the number? That right there suggests that you don't have the marriage that you think you do. His reaction further leads to the same conclusion.

Maybe phone consultations is a new thing he has decided to take on, maybe it is something gym has requested. If he didn't tell you, then yes, for sure his bad...Again going back to, you aren't as happy as you like to think. Major lack of communication. If it is true that phone consultations are a new part of his job, then maybe the gym is reimbursing him for those phone calls.

It is possible that he is so upset because you cost him a client? Even future clients, because of word of mouth? Having your wife call twice! Because of a phone bill, is unprofessional. He could potentially lose his job at the gym because of something like this.

If he is having, or considering have an affair, then you need to stop living in lala land and find out what his problem is, maybe he does like the feeling of being "needed" by someone. It is entirely possible that he is feeling unwanted in your marriage. He might feel like something is missing in his life. It could be that he is stressed out being the sole provider for the family and the possibility of adding another person to be responsible for, is a lot of pressure.

No matter what it is, an affair or a lack of communication. The two of you need to sit down together and talk it through. Be totally honest with each other, be honest with yourself. It is hard to admit that your marriage isn't what you want it to be, I know, I have been there myself. But no matter how hard it is, for the sake of your marriage and your son, you need to sit with your husband and have an open, honest discussion about how the two of you are feeling, where you currently are, where you both see your marriage going and how you'll get there. Calling and sneaking around behind his back, is just going to drive the two of you further apart.

Again, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it just had to be said. The conversation is with your husband, not strangers. If he won't talk, then you talk, but talk to him. He'll open up.

Hi B.! Okay, so I think you might be making a mountain out of a molehill. I was a person trainer for years, as well as a client of a married male trainer, beforehand. It is totally legit for clients to have personal phone numbers and call anytime (w/in reason!) Being a GOOD trainer requires that...you basically are there to support them whenever they might need it. And, a 40 minute conversation seems totally normal to discuss a training plan, meal plan, and answer questions the client has (maybe she's a chatter, too!)
I know when I first started working out with a trainer, I had SO MANY questions that came up randomly throughout the day (esp at meal times!) and would call or text my (married male) trainer for input. The texts & conversations were NEVER inappropriate. They were to ask nutritional info or to get help with making a good choice when I really didn't want to!
Have you seen the texts to see if there's anything not related to their training relationship? How long has this woman been a client (if she's pretty new, I for sure wouldn't worry...it takes a lot of time up front to work out the plan of action)?
If I were you, & when your husband stops being childish with the silent treatment, I would ask him more about his job and it's requirements so you are completely aware of what to expect. Trainer/Client relationships can be fairly personal and maybe this isn't a job you can be comfortable with him doing. The job isn't just about being a 'spotter' during someone's workouts. Ask him questions about this particular client (maybe that info alone with ease your mind!).
I also have to say that I would be pretty upset if my husband had called a client he knew nothing about before asking me, simply based on a phone call & a few texts. Sorry to sound harsh, but it sounds like there might be something else going on that has caused this reaction.
Good luck...I hope it all works out for you :O)

B.-

Of course I can't tell you what is going on in your marriage, but my husband worked as a personal trainer for many years. He generally communicated with his clients via his cell phone or e-mail, but would sometimes confirm appts using our home line. In this day and age, everyone has caller-id, so many of his clients did call us at home if they got his voice-mail on the cell.

I think a forty minute meal-planning conversation is totally believable, but I think if a meal planning conversation took that long, he would have billed the client for that time.

The trust issue seems pretty big to me. You said you have a great marriage, and though a call like that may set off alarm bells, it's up to you whether or not to trust the man. You calling his clients and/or his boss reflects very poorly on him. If your behavior continues, he will lose clients, and quite possibly his job. I understand your concerns, but his anger with you seems completely justified.

I think you owe him a big apology. I also don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask him to give you a better understanding of what his job entails. With open, honest communication, you should be able to voice your concerns, and he should be able to put your mind at ease, especially if you have a good foundation of trust.

There are women out there who hit on married men, and trainers can be a pretty convenient target. That does not mean that every married trainer falls into that trap. In fact, very few good trainers get personally involved with their clients. It's bad for business.

I think you need to decide if you trust him to do his job without your involvement. If not, he probably needs to find a different way to earn extra money.

I wish you the best, and hope that everything works out.

First of all, apologize for going behind his back and calling the client and not talking to him. That was wrong. It was impulsive, and I probably would have done the exact same thing, but still wrong! Hopefully this is the issue that your husband is having, this violation of his work relationship and the possibility of putting that at risk. If that is all he is mad at, the childish silent treatment should stop.
Either way, all the issues need to come out in a discussion and be dealt with. Tell him your concerns, tell him that you need to understand more about what his job entails. That you are jealous, even if there is no need to be, and what you need to feel more secure. He may hate or love that you are jealous, but he should still know.

B., I hate to say it, but you seem to be totally over reacting. If you REALLY trust your husband and you are as happy as you say you are, then why on earth would you assume this phone call would be anything suspicious? Even though my husband's job couldn't allow him to come up with an explanation as good as your husband's, I would never assume he was cheating on me - I just trust him and the quality of our relationship. And if I did question the phone call,I would ask him directly about it, and trust him to be honest. I don't blame him for being mad at you; you demonstrated at what level you don't trust him, AND you impacted his professional image/relationship.

I hate to sound harsh, but I think you need to put the brakes on baby number 2 NOW and work on issues you obviously have in your relationship. You may have thought things were going well, but if you reacted/behaved this way without any real provocation from him, I think you have issues to address. Plus now you must repair the harm you caused in the relationship - how can he trust you??

I am sorry you are feeling so confused and scared. I hope for the sake of your little boy you sort out your feelings/fears regarding your marriage. I think as long as you both maintain honest communication, you will be able to work through this. Good luck :)

flip the situation, if you had a client for your job that you had spoken with for 40 min, and your dh called the person to see why the number was on the phone bill, would you be angry? or just think he was being silly and should have talked to you first? get my point? for him to be angry and not talk to you, seems to me that there is definitely something wrong. and I would point that out to him. if he is over reacting then that is his problem not yours and he needs to own up to it. and YES I would call the gym, I dont' care if they do label you the crazy wife. You need to know the truth and check up on this. if it is part of his job with the gym, they should be paying him to do the phone consultations as part of his work and it shouldn't be done on your private cell phone. you have every right to ask your husband not to have other women call his private phone. you shouldn't have to ask...
I'd go snooping in his text messages and his emails if I were you as well. if your gut is saying something is wrong you need to listen to it. one of the first things that cheaters do (wether they have had a full affair or not) is try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem and that you are being paranoid and crazy. well you aren't. its manipulation and you need to make sure it doesn't work for you, that you don't let yourself be drawn into the crazy.
you can tell his work you don't appreciate clients calling on your private lines, and see how it falls out from there--I would guess he can get in a lot of trouble at work and it could help him to see he is making a big mistake.
if it isn't a client you will find out soon enough--and if he does admit that the call had nothing to do with training, you have every right to insist he drop her as a client and find someone else who will respect the fact that he is married.
sorry sweetie. hang in there and get to the bottom of it.

Just weighing in on one aspect: I wonder if he likes the attention from the woman and the feeling of he asking him or information (making him feel "needed").

On a personal note, I would SO be in his business. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Do you have any other reason to suspect your DH is cheating on you? If you don't, then you need to break the silent treatment and apologize to your husband for not trusting him and asking him about the number instead of just calling it. Maybe after you apologize you can talk to him about his job there and what it requires. Ask him if he got paid for the 40 min. call (because if it's part of his job, then he should have gotten paid for it). You could also find out from him what he thinks are appropriate boundaries between work and home life. And then explain to him what a catch he is and that other women may not see texts and 40 minute phone conversations as innocently as he does. This could be completely innocent, so unless you have other reasons to doubt him you should cut him some slack.

Hey B., so sorry that that happened to you. I've worked at several phone companies before and I know that you could read exactly what was said in the text messages if you go to your online account. Even though it is better to talk to him about it and to have HIM tell you, but if he's acting the way that you say he is. Then he's acting like that for a reason. Remember as humans we always feel guilty for what we do.
You know your husband better than anyone. But I wouldn't call his boss, it may just make things bigger if he finds out. He probably feels like you don't trust him enough to ask him first. ??? Again I'm so sorry. Best of luck!

It sounds very suspicious. He didn't even care that you were worried that he was cheating. He was MORE concerned for her feelings than for yours, and he's supposed to be in love with you. He got very defensive. And now the silent treatment.

Even if this particular event was innocent, you now know that you're married to a guy who you can't discuss things with, and is not kind and caring. Stop trying for more children. This is a huge red flag.

Put yourself in this girl's and your husband's shoes for a moment... if you were simply trying to get in shape & hired a personal trainer (which are usually not cheap) to accomplish your goals then one day received a out-of-the-blue phone call which was accusational and non-professional... wouldn't you be offended? i know i would. And as your husband I would be too, not only because you were sneaky and impeded on his professional business but because you are accusing him of being dishonest because of your insecurities or mistrust. Now, that being said, if there is more than what you wrote to the story and there are other clues to your mistrust then I don't think you are going about finding out the truth the right way anyway. But, a woman's intuition should never be downplayed... we have that 6th sense. Just make sure you aren't just feeling insecure for your own personal reasons and there's ample evidence to go on before you start putting your husband's job (& family life) at jeopardy.

Look, I have never been in your situation. But, my husband does have a problem with Pornography which is something that I do not agree with. I originally discovered the problem shortly after my husband had left for bootcamp and my brother was staying with me. I knew deep down that it was my husband and not my brother but my husband convinced me that it was my brother. Since then there have been several times when I have found that he has been looking at pornography. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming, at least to me. I thought we had moved past this problem because it has been several years since I found out there was a problem. But a few months ago I found the tale tell signs on my husbands computer. I asked him about it and he flat out lied to me. The more questions I asked, the more defensive and angry he got. I knew. I knew that he was lying. I knew because my intuition told me, and by his behavior. You have these suspicions for a reason. If you didnt really have a reason not to believe your husband then you would believe him. It may be innocent, but something in his behavor has made you suspicious. If he is not cheating, I suggest you guys talk to someone because something is going on in your relationship. Dont ignore these feelings, you have them for a reason. Dig deeper. If there is nothing going on he will be willing to drop this client and not give out personal information to his clients. If he gets angry and defensive, I would really examine what that means to you.

First, I would call the facility he works out and ask anonymously about looking for a place to join and was wondering what was involved with getting a personal trainer. Ask if they help you with meal plans and if they can be reached when you are having a bad food day.

I also think you should write your husband a letter explaining why you did it, and how you feel you had the right to do it, and that if he wasn't trying to hide something he wouldn't be acting this way. This way you can tell him what you want without the emotion, which ends up not saying what you really want to say.

Tell him it's not fair because he never explained that part of the job to you. Tell him you think if it is part of the job, then the company needs to provide him a phone and not on your personal line. Tell him you were just making sure the call belonged on your bill and that cathing him at something wasn't at all your intention because you trust him and are really happy.

Also, a suggestion: try to spice up your marriage. Do something "fun" for him everyday (notes or treat in his lunch or car seat; scavenger hunt for when he gets home to find you in lingerie; candlelight dinner; etc.).

Where I'm coming from: I'm on an email list with a previous company where a bunch of us exchange jokes. There must be a hundred plus people from around the globe on this list and we all occasionally send something in and share a giggle. One of the guys emailed in a particularly funny cartoon and I emailed back "funny!". Flash forward a couple weeks and I get en email from his "partner" asking why I'm emailing him? I answered back, paranoid much? We ALL email back and forth. BTW, turns out be lives in New Zealand. And I didn't appreciate the implication one iota since I've been married for nearly 20 years.

If you were concerned about a lengthy call why DIDN"T you ask him first? Why immediately call the number once but twice? Maybe it's innocent, maybe it's not, but the relationship is with your husband, not some random person at the other end of a phone number who doesn't need the drama. I agree about flipping this around...how would you feel if you were getting a couple calls from some woman you don't know wondering why you're calling her man? And it *was* innocent? How does your DH feel that you couldn't even ask him first?? If you're gut is telling you something you need to work it out with DH and NOT drag other, possibly innocent, people into your relationship. All the best.

I'd keep your eye on the situation ... his response says something is up. He may not be cheating, but he may be in a situation that could lead to something. No right-minded woman who wasn't having an affair with a man or wanting to, would tell him you called. No innocent man should have reacted that way.

Best wishes,
L.

I think you should listen to everything Tiffany said. She was cheated on and she has a good understanding of it.

Your situation sounds very suspicious.

The main reason why men cheat is because they are not getting admiration from their wife, and some other woman or women are feeding their ego and admiring them. It usually has little to do with sex.

We don't know your marriage - you or your husband, so occasionally men cheat because they are loser-jerks, but usually, it is because their wife is not fulfilling their extremely vital need of being admired.

Maybe your spouse is just talking to her a lot because the client is making him feel so smart and knowlegable, etc.

Listen to what Tiffany said and think about yourself. What kind of a wife are you? Do you drive your husband crazy, neglect his ego, are you too independent, are you a nag, are you too busy doting on your son, are you too clingy and needy? I have no idea if you are any of these things - only you and your husband know. When you have had issues in the past with hubby, what has he complained the most to you about that he doesn't like about you? This may be key in turning around your marriage and fixing it.

I think everything can totally be okay. Everyone has faults in themselves that are harder for them to see. Don't beat yourself up or play detective. Playing detective, like Tiffany said, will not stop any cheating if it is going on. It will just drive an even bigger wedge between you and your spouse.

Your best bet is to just apologize to your husband for overreacting. And leave the gym and the other woman out of it. She may be completely innocent.

Lay on the eye contact with your husband with whatever he says to you, when he starts talking to you again. Find something to sincerely compliment him on. Thank him for providing for you so you can be a SAHM. Tell your son, in front of your hubby , what a great daddy he has. Lay on the praise and admiration for things you sincerely like about your husband. Do this for a few months and if see if your hubby changes his behavior towards you for the better.

Women hate hearing it, but Tiffany is right. It takes two to cheat - some women are much more likely to get cheated on than others. The key is, are you the spouse that a man needs? Did you pick a jerk? If you have things that need to be changed, you can totally turn this around and the power is all yours.

Big, big, big hugs to you. This is not end of the world. Take a deep breath. If you husband is at all decent in any way, what I suggested to you will work. If he is a pig, then he will continue to be one even if you are the perfect wife.

Marci

Trust your intuition! I had a very similar situation with my ex husband and sure enough he was cheating. My biggest red flag (which was more than once sadly to say) was that he got so defensive when I confronted him about it. Being betrayed is such a horrible feeling, Im so sorry your even having to deal with it. Good luck, I truely hope he isnt cheating and it really is just work.

While I don't think you're crazy and probably would have reacted the same way, you should know that 40 minutes is actually *not* a long time to talk to your trainer about meal plans. I have had a personal trainer in the past who would also talk with me about getting healthy and meal plans, etc. It was not uncommon for us to talk about these things for up to an hour.

My trainer definitely was interested in helping me become a healthy individual, not just a strong person - and this was all part of it.

That's not to say that his reaction (silent treatment) is appropriate. I teach junior high, and I can tell you that most of my students have grown out of this phase - very immature - but, I would also be angry if the tables were turned.

Hang in there, trust your husband if everything else truly is good, and you will get through this!