Please Help Me I'm at My Wits End!

Oh the fits of a 1 year old! They can be so trying. With my little guy, who is 20 mo now, we have been telling him to use his big boy words. We also use baby signing time videos which gives him the words to use if he can't say them. It really works great and it also stimulates their learning. My little guy can sign over 30 words and speak well over 100, probably more like 200.
One other thing, my guy uses a nuk - only at bed time, so when he is throwing a fit and can't/won't calm down we tell him he can have some time in his bed with his nuk. It takes about 30 seconds and he is calm. Then he knows he can come back out once he has calmed down and is done with his nuky time. Sometimes he wants to stay with his nuk for 5 - 10 minutes but then comes back out and is just fine.

Good luck!!

Hi D.,

I can relate because my son is 17 months old and sometimes throws tantrums, usually when he's been told "no" or has had something taken away from him. We just walk away, preferably into the next room. When he doesn't have an audience, it diffuses in a few seconds and then usually he is running into the next room, wondering where everyone went! I don't try to comfort him or even touch him.

If the case is that it is not safe to walk away, I pick him up and put him in his playpen and then walk into the next room until he is settled down. Again, it usually lasts under a minute, he gets his act together and when no one is around to react he stops.

One way to pick up your son so that he isn't hitting you is to do a firm bear hug from behind, so his back is touching your chest and his arms are under yours. Then you can move him to wherever time-out is.

I don't know if you have a playpen or playyard or whatever they are calling them these days, but they are a good investment. I know they have kind of fallen out of favor and popularity, but they are handy for time-outs for toddlers. I didn't want to use the crib for time-outs because I didn't want him to have negative associations w/where he sleeps.

I don't have good advice for public places, sorry. Obviously you can't walk away in a crowded store, but if he breaks down somewhere public, you can always do the bear hug trick and then take him outside.

Just remember, this too shall pass! I would love to videotape my son banging his head on the floor and then show it to him when he is a teenager. ;-) Good luck, someday this will all be funny.

I responded to a similar post before so I have copied and pasted that here
" My son is 15 months and has also started his "terrible twos" a bit early [actually he started at 13 months]. He hits, bites, screams, scratches, and has recently discovered he can kick while I change his diaper. I think it is normal, and it sounds like you are doing fine. I would suggest continuing the stern "no hitting!" and tell him, "that hurts mommy" or "i don't like it when you hit me" or something like that. When you put him on a time out, make sure he cannot see you. The isolation is terrible for any child but that is why time-outs are so effective. The distraction, the little bit of time to cool off and break the bad mood. Also, what I have done with my son is show him how to "be gentle" by taking his hand and stroking your arm. My son also hits the cat, and after doing this, now I just have to say "be gentle" and he will pet him nicely. I also try to think of the root cause of his behavior. I go through the list in my mind.... Is he tired? did he not sleep well last night? starting to get hungry? did the fruit at lunch give him a sugar rush? Have I been on the phone or at the computer a bit too much and he needs some more attention? how have I stimulated his mind so far today? have we been outside yet today? has he had a chance to run around and burn off some energy? Or is this purely a toddler power struggle? Sometimes he gets into a negative mood and continues to misbehave until I figure out what he really needs [since he can't tell me yet]
Most of the time, however, I think he is just testing the waters to see how I will react, or to see how far he can push it before I lose my patience.
Another thing I have learned is to pick my battles and try to understand where he is coming from, and his mental ability and how he communicates. Sometimes I get really frustrated, but then I think to myself...okay, he basically only points and screams to communicate his needs/desires, so at this point in his life, how else is he supposed to communicate his anger or frustration?

-I just wanted to add: Another thing I realized is that as time went on, I started slacking with baby-proofing. He started walking at 8 months and at that point everything was out of reach. But I tend to let the dining room table get cluttered with mail, my bags, books, ...basically that is my place to set things down. When my son was tall enough to reach up there, I found myself taking things away from him all day long. It was my fault that I was getting so frustrated with him. I made an excuse for myself: well he understands "no" and should be listening to me when I say it to him! ....But of course he will want to explore everything he can get his hands on. He is learning every day and my bags and books are especially interesting because I wont let him have those things! So I've done my best to re-baby proof the room for a taller toddler and that has made things a lot easier "

This also relates to your situation:
" If she pees, make her help clean it up. My 16 month old son has had lots of fun making messes with his bottles/sippy cups [tipping it over and watching the formula drip out, pushing the nipple down into the bottle and then pouring the liquid out, unscrewing the top and pouring it on the floor, and then spreading it around with his hands] and about a month ago, I started to make him help me wipe it up. I would tell him "no, we don't______" "you made a mess, let's clean it up."
I gave him a wipe, and held his hand and wiped it up with him. I kept doing this until he got the idea, and then I started to tell him "you made a mess" and to "wipe the mess" "clean it up" without my help. Now, only a month later, he is very careful about not tipping his bottle or sippy over. He even puts it up on the table by himself when he is ready to move onto something else. Actually, this approach has nearly eliminated his throwing food off of the highchair as well. Obviously when he cleans something he doesn't do it very well and I still have to wipe up what he missed, but I don't mind since he is helping and learning a lesson. When he throws Cheerios off of the highchair however, I don't help other than if he misses some, and I'll tell him "honey there are more over here, please pick them up" "thank you". "

I have used that technique for my son's aggressive behavior too [Basically the Super Nanny technique]. When he hits me I tell him "No. We don't hit. You gave mommy an owie" and immediately put him on the time out chair. I tell him what he did wrong and why it's bad and make him sit there for about a minute and at the end I repeat what he did and why it is bad, and tell him to give me a hug. It has been working wonders for us. He hardly ever hits anymore. You said he hits his own head on the coffee table--I would use this same technique for that also. If he hurts himself, put him on the time-out and say "No, we don't hit ourselves. That hurts and makes Nixon and mommy very sad." Make him sit there as usual and explain it again, and then have him give himself a hug.
I think a consequence, combined with "making amends" for the wrong-doing is very effective because it helps them learn empathy as well as accountability.

I don't want to make you worry, but another thing that I thought of when reading your post initially was that symptoms of Autism sometimes start to show around 18 months, and while tantrums are perfectly normal for every child, sometimes extreme meltdowns that include violence and self-injury could be one of the symptoms of Autism or other disorders. Here are a couple of sites that talk about it. If you have seen other signs that something is "not quite right" it might be worth it to bring it up to your son's Doctor and see what they think
http://childbrain.com/pddq5.shtml
http://www.brighttots.com/autism_and_tantrums
The second site has great information and here is part of that page:
Difficult behavior that frequently lasts longer than 15 minutes, occurs more than 3 times a day, or is more aggressive may indicate that a child has an underlying medical, emotional, or social problem that needs attention. These are not considered typical temper tantrums. Difficult behaviors may include:
•Kicking, hitting, biting, scratching, hair pulling, or pinching other people.
•Throwing or breaking things.
•Head-banging or inflicting self-injury.
•The child's temper tantrums frequently last longer than 15 minutes or occur more than 3 times a day.
•The child's behavior does not improve after 4 years of age.
•The child hurts him/her self, other people, or objects during a temper tantrum.
•You have problems handling your child's behavior, especially if you are concerned that you might hurt your child.
•You want help with learning to cope with your feelings during your child's temper tantrums

The best thing you can do for your child is take all of the artificial colors, flavors, etc. out of his diet. This is the age where new foods are constantly added and you are seeing the affects of them. Some kids are much more affected than others.
Visit http://gotpetroleum.blogspot.com/ and www.feingold.org and you can read all about it from other parents with kids like yours. These chemicals aren't ok for the body, and yes the behaviors will get less as his body gets used to them, but it will never go away. This is why so many kids are diagnosed with ADHD. Take the chemicals out and your child will act normal, I pretty much can guarantee it. You'll see a difference in days.
Do you notice a huge outburst after he eats things with red dye in them? Most kids to get some type of bad reaction from it.
I have a son that was just like that. Now he is calm and well behaved. His preschool teacher could hardly believe the change in him, it was like he was a different kid without the chemicals.
It's not more expensive. I buy all of my food at walmart, you just have to buy the right brands.
Best wishes,
J.

I also have an 18 month old. He has tantrums and hits and kicks and bites (mostly me) when he doesn't get his way. It is much worse when he's tired. What is helping me most with this stage is a book called Your One-Year-Old by Louise Bates Ames PH.D. The book focuses on the stage from 15 to 21 months. It explains the child's development during this time and provides techniques for dealing with negative behaviors. It has helped me put my child's behavior into perspective and realize that this stage won't go on forever.

I would put him somewhere where he can not hurt himself during these temper tantrums. Does he still use a crib or can he climb out? Otherwise, I would hold him down until he settles down. My daughter would get worked up like that just before she turned two and I could not console her either so I would hold her down saying comforting words until it was over. Then I would offer her hugs and kisses. He'll grow out of it very quickly. Hang in there!

He's reacting to something, and doesn't know how to express himself other than fits. Take extra care in him, and when he throws a fit, make him top priority. Drop what your doing, sit on the floor (so you don't fall out from a chair), ball him up on your lap and hold him as tight as you can, rocking him, speaking positive encouraging words into him. Remind him to breath, tell him it's ok. Pin his arms to his body and wrap yours around.

Have you tried altering his diet? Is he getting too many preservatives and refined sugar products, too much bread? Try going more raw, making sure he gets more protein to balance out the carbs and keeps his blood sugar on even keel.

Take at look at other things in life that might have changed. But be positive and let him know that you'll be there for him. Good luck!

I had one like this. I put a playpen in a room we didn't use all that often. When he would start his fit, I picked him up and put him in the playpen. I then turned out the light and left the room. I wouldn't return to pick him up until he was done with the fit. I worked like a charm. His first few times in the room he cried and screamed for the longest time and then the time got shorter and the fits got fewer. You have to be on top of it though and you can't let even the smallest tissy go unpunished.

try this. when it happens at home, pick him up from behind and put him gently in his crib. tell him in a soothing voice that you will take him out when he is calm. then step back so he doesn't see you and doesn't think you are noticing the fit. continue to check in on him every minute or so an reassure him, then step back out. I say this as a test to see if it's for attention. do it a couple times to be sure. every time, when he does calm down, make sure and reward him with lots of attention.

Sometimes food allergies or allergies to other things can cause some tantrumns so write down what he is doing and what he is eating right before throwing them or take him to an allergist. My youngest son went through this and once we found to stop some of the foods, it helped a lot.

Kids that age throw fits when they can't verbalize what they want so sign language would help in that case. As far as stopping the fits, when he throws them, put him in a play and pack and leave the room saying "I will be back to talk when you calmed down" Repeat this all the time. Then when he stops make sure you go right back in and see if you can have him talk with you "in a big boy's voice". My daughter in law does this somewhat with my granddaughter and it seems to work. I usually tell her that it is her body telling her she is tired and needs to sleep (she only throws fits when she is tired). I will even show her in the mirror how her eyes look tired and say "see your eyes says 'oh please Emma, let me close and rest so we can feel better'" She has caught on that at 2 and half though, she won't look at herself in the mirror when she is tired...lol.

They say that kids this little have tantrums because they cannot talk yet, so they cannot communicate their feelings, thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, etc. If you think about it, that WOULD be really frustrating when your own mom doesn't know what you want! Maybe you could teach him sign language, and help him with talking. I'm sure it's really frustrating for both of you, but it will get better when he learns how to communicate.