Help!! Temper Tantrums

Hello, A.!

My Mom had this same problem with my older sister and now my younger sister is having it with her son. Both were told by doctors to ignore them as they are just doing it for the attention and to give it to them is reinforcing their negative behavior. My Mom noticed that if she looked at my sister to let her know she saw her and then walked away, my sister would stop and follow her and then lay down and start again. But, eventually she realized that Mommy wasn't going to be manipulated and quit altogether. Since my sister started doing this, my nephew's fits have become less as well. Hope this helps!

When my son was little he would throw the most awful tantrums now he is 10 and is ADHD but the only thing that worked even after talking to his Dr and reading books. In the middle of one of his horrible tantrums i did what ever he was doing and threw myself on the floor and threw a temper tantrum like him and he was in shock i stoped i got up not saying a word and never did he throw a fit again and let me tell you he would throw stuff hit himself.So i know that sounds nuts but whatever works. L.

you may try holding him facing out so he will not have a chance to hit you or kick you , hold his arms and tell him that when he stop and listen to you ,you will let him go. it will work but with time and love. keep talking and explain why you are holding him, also tell how much you love him but that behavior is not allow. when he hit you tell him to go somewhere else away from you and walk away from the situation,no confrotation . He will throw a fit and maybe follow you. He is growing up but still a baby that needs his mom. Second child is always different than the first. hope this will help you.
T. A.

Get a second opinion. Your instinct is usually right. If your doctor won't recommend someone for a second opinion, ask around. My favorite pediatrician is Dr. Dreiling of Pediatric Associates of Dallas located across from Presbyterian Hosp. of Dallas on Walnut Hill.

For a quick fix to most tantrums, try watching and/or reading Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block". Your library may have the book and you can rent the DVD through Netflix.

Good luck!

Here's what we did with my daughter:

When she threw tantrums, we would try to talk with her and emotionally connect with whatever was going on. Probably most of the time it didn't do too much to help. We would try to give her a hug to calm her down - often didn't work. We would not fight with her, try to restrain her or anything like that. (by the way, I haven't read any of the other responses to this...so I have no idea if I'm repeating what people have said - sorry if I am!). When our brief efforts to give her emotional support through hugs and talking didn't work, we would let her know that when she was done, she could come and get a hug. Then we would get up and go about our day doing whatever it was we were doing. She would throw her fit on the floor and then she would finish and we would talk and have hugs, etc.

A lot of the time they are throwing the fits to get attention. So, the other thing I would is think really hard about the day and see if I had been unintentionally ignoring her (being too busy with other things) or if I could be doing something more to help her feel like she is getting enough positive attention. Often times that would end up helping.

At first we would try to hold her through the fits and stuff like that, but we did find that her fits lessened a WHOLE lot if we would do as I mentioned - offer support emotionally and such and if she wasnt' interested right then we ignored the behavior until she was done. When they get older, I think doing things different helps somewhat, but at 18 months he is still so young that not a lot of discipline is going to help.

Hope that helped some! I do think that if he hits you, you might want to make it very clear that that is not okay. It might be helpful to move yourself away from him while he is throwing these fits...even if he hits it in into the floor. Look and see if maybe he hasn't been getting the attention he might need (which is so easy to not always give them the attention they need...and none of us do it on purpose).

Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now. Just kidding, I'm not. I just posted this and then read other responses and have to add a little more. I actually disagree with some who say that it's not normal for a child to hit their head on the floor (not saying I disagree that their suggestion might be valid that something else might be wrong, just disagreeing that it's not also something that is normal for a child to do). I have seen many children do this or other types of things (like holding their breath or hitting themselves, etc) when they are angry. It definitely can be a sign of other things, but at the same time, it can be very normal. These children are now older (the ones that I have seen do this) and they clearly do not have any autism or any form of anything else wrong.

When children get angry, sometimes they want to hurt someone and that someone is sometimes only themselves that they can hurt. I'm definitely not suggesting to ignore that advice that something else might be wrong because it is great advice Hope I'm not offending anyone with my lack of skillful wording! I think it's great advice! Just wanted to say that it can also be completely normal - especially in a little boy since they tend to be more physical about things. I completely agree with the advice that something else can be wrong, especially look into food allergies, too much sugar, etc. I am sensitive to things like that and watch for it in my children too.

All children this age start throwing tantrums. The "terrible Twos" really start somewhere around 18 months. However, it is not normal for a toddler to bang his head on the floor or intentionally hurt himself. As others said, I would be concerned about sensory issues. These may increase after having the vaccinations. I saw this happen with my third child around this time. She started putting her hands over her ears and saying things were too loud and would have a big tantrum if over stimulated, or completely shut down and pick at her fingers while avoiding any interaction/eye contact ect.

Some children are hypersensitive which means it's painful to be touched, don't like to touch or eat certain textures, easily over stimulated, and don't like to swing. Others are hyposensitive and love to twirl around, crash in to things, swing fast and high, ect. Others are both hyper and hypo sensitive. A great resource if no one else has suggested it is The Out of Sync Child which explains sensory integration dysfunction. You can also google the disorder and see if you think it fits your child. Another good book for ALL parents is The Out of Sync Child Has Fun. It has a load of fun activities to give your child a good sensory diet, which is essential for every child, not just those with special needs.

My oldest used to bang her head on the concrete right after leaving a store. The noise and lights and everything in the store encouraged a meltdown and that's what she did to cope. Of course I couldn't ignore that, and you shouldn't either. I held her firmly (think bear hug) until she was better.

As a toddler I would bite my arms until I bled when I was frustrated. I would also cut myself and put safety pins in my arms- I'm talking a YOUNG child. But I also have sensory problems like my girls do.

Food sensitives can make the sensory and behavior issues worse. Wheat/gluten,dairy, and red food coloring are the three most common culprits. Others can be apples, corn, soy, sugar, artificial sweeteners,

You may also want to look into Asperger Syndrome, Autism, PPD/PPD-NOS (these all fall under the autism spectrum.) Many children with sensory problems are autistic. Mine are. But early intervention is the key. My oldest was in ECI (Early childhood intervention) and saw a pediatrician but no one suggested autism because she didn't regress, she had always been like that. After I found out I have Asperger Syndrome it made perfect sense and when my second child had the typical autism regression I immediately started helping her. Most people would never guess she is autistic (she's almost 4!) But there for a while I was really scared.

DON'T ignore, but don't worry either. Read up, see if anything clicks with what's going on that you might be able to help, and most of all protect his little head.

I am the mom of 3 boys ages 21, 17 & soon to be 13 yrs. of age and our middle son had some serious problems with temper tantrums and we sought family counseling. We discovered in kindergarten he had learning disabilities with Tourette's Syndrome & Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was at a loss as a young mom and sought counseling for him at the age of 7 yrs. old. Our counselor at that time had us hold him, with our legs wrapped around his and our arms wrapped around his upper body with his arms folded to his body. I spoke calmly to him and let him know that I would stop holding him when he decided to quit hitting and screaming. He wasn't a fan of this, but it seemed to work. He was combative at first and tried to get out of it. But when you are desperate, especially when there are siblings involved you do whatever is best for you and the child at the time. And that was the best thing.

Needless to say, there were times when I sat and cried and gulped tears, just because this was not something I delighted in doing, restraining my child, yet it was up to us as parents to teach him self-control. If our children don't learn it from us at an early age, they will not understand what self-control is as they grow older.

Hope this is helpful...

N. M.

I would also advise to just ignore and the tantrums will quit, my daughter is 14 months old and she does the same. I just let her go through it, if it hurts her she will stop. My doctor has said that this is pretty normal behavior.

I'm thinking there is something go on besides a temper. You really should get him checked out and have some test run. Do not let your Dr. blow it off if you are truely concerned. Maybe he is allergic to something. No child just starts having tanrums. Usually their personality will tell you they will be a child of strong will. Did you get a new animal? Are you using something new in the house, cleaner, soaps? Has someone left his life? Did he get hurt and you didn't know? So many things to check out before you write it off as temper tantrums. At that age I would think something else is going on.
Good Luck!

Wow I am so sorry. It is hard going through this. I am a sahm of 4 girls. I went through this with my 3rd daughter, but she was 2 at the time. It is a stage and will get better. I tried to reason with my daughter to no avail, so I would just put her in her room till she calmed down then I would go get her. It seemed to work best for us because she was after the attention. I really tried to praise her for good behavior and put her in her room for the bad.

D.

Don't ignore it. Transfer his attention to bubbles or a toy, but stop the behavior and say no immediately, then divert attention elsewhere. Do it everytime. this is how you break habits. Also, the temper tantrums...when he does this, you get down on his level, take both his hand into yours, and place those little hands by his side, look him directly in the eye and get close to him, FACE TO FACE (not side by side) and say "no". Then remian quiet. Then continue to look in his eyes and be silent. He will back away and stop. Do it every time he temper tants. You are the parent in control act like it. He thinks he is in control! You may have to do it 10 times in a row. Do it and it will stop.

My son did the same thing at that age. What we did not know at that time was that he had sensory integration disorder. We did not know this until he was 3. SI is on the autism spectrum. (At the time, our ped. said,"He'll grow out of it." Well, that never happened.) Please contact your local ECI office for help. Your other option would be to go private, but believe me it's very expensive. In the mean time, when he hits his head make sure it's in a pillow rather than the floor. I know what you are talking about. My son had me covered from head to toe in bruises. Do try to use timeouts when he hits you, but he may not "get it".

Hello A. I know how frustrating it may be and worry some to see your son hurst himself. Does he have any delays in speech or other development areas?? From the way you describe him it sounds he may have sensory issues. Some kids really don't feel pain when they are hurting themselves and because they don't feel it they don't realize they are hurting you too. My son is 2 1/2 and he had slight sensory issues. His speech was a little delayed. He would fall and not cry, you could spin him around and around and he wouldn't get dizzy, and sometimes he would hug other kids but squeeze them too hard. We thought he was just a tough little guy and didn't realize the sensory small delay he had. I researched and called EIC, Early Child Intervention Program. (My doctor suggested to wait until he was 2 since he would outgrow it and maybe his speech would also develop. But I didn't follow his advise and got help when he was 18 months and I am very glad I did.) He was evaluated and we have a "teacher" come every week to "play" with him and work on techniques. He has greatly developed his speech and sensory skills. It is free or based on your income. They take medical insurance too. Another suggestion is looking for an occupacion therapyst. I had a meeting and sessions for my son and they do help rather than the doctor's technique of ignoring him. I hope this helps.

What happened on new years eve that my have changed in his world? It is interesting that he would show no violent behavior and then in the space of 24 hours have a complete personality change. I think that usually this type of behavior is a progressive thing not a sudden change. There are two things that I could offer;one is a book called "To Train up A Child" by Michael Pearl. The second is the word of God;
"A father(mother), who spares his son the rod, hates his child. But a father(mother) who disciplines his child loves him."

You didn't mention who watches your son, if anyone does, while you work. If so, I would definitely check it out. But your Dr was correct in telling you to ignore him, you just need to walk away and tell him we don't behave that way.

Hope you find out what is bothering him.

Dear A.,
I had a daughter with a severe temper who threw tantrums. At the time Dobson advised to simply do nothing about this and I did follow his acvise until one incident was so severe that I picked her up off the floor. paddled her bottom, turned her around and told her no more! They stopped. Your son is too young for a real spanking, but I will encourage you to stand up to him, he may also be trying for attention, so you could try and see if that works. My daughter simply had a very strong will and wanted her own way. She was a much nicer child after the incident.

Hi A.!
My 2 year old went through a phase like that. I found very good, balancec, christian advice in a Book by James Dobson called The New Strong-Willed Child. It helped a lot. It is easy reading and very very practical.
I hope this helps!

Hi A.

I am a mom with 3 grown adults and one 12 yr old boy.
I have been through a few temper tantrums. There are many
reasons children do this but I have found that usually
they have a valid need. Children don't know how to
express their needs at such a young age. Their brains
are not developed enough to be cognizant of their actions.
This is NOT easy but I would hold them during the tantrum.
I'm talking about forcefully holding them while they do
everything in their power to get away. There are a lot of
emotions at play here, anger being the most prevelant.
Talk to him firmly, acknowledge his anger and tell him
you will always love him, unconditionally. Eventually you
will find yourself consoling him as his anger grows less
and less. This may seem harsh but in the end he will
KNOW you love and are there for him. Oh! expect some
bumps and bruses on you while keeping him safe from
harm.
Good Luck.

Anything unusual happen new year's eve? Was he left with a babysitter? has your 7 year old noticed anything unusual? You might want to but some headgear on him until you figure it all out. You need to continue to discipline, calmly. Time outs, but remember to praise and reward for good behavior. Since their verbal skills are not sufficient to tell you what is wrong - get him a physical to rule out any physical problems. Ask him if he is hurting and see if he can point to any spot. Sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed, or overstimulated. You will need to help him begin to verbalize his needs in order for him to feel more in control. It could get better or it could be an ongoing problem - don't give up seeking help to find solutions.

What else has changed in your home since New Years? When did Daddy go the Academy, or is he at night school finishing his degree? My husband deploys with the Air Force and I know a lot of children act out when their fathers are gone. Make sure that when he is home that your son spends some quality time with him..baths, bed routines if possible. Also have your husband intervene if he witnesses the tantrum/hitting and tell him it is not acceptable behavior.
Are you and your hubby or your 7 year-old fighting more than usual, there may be some external stressors for your son.

If this doesn't sound likely, look at when the tantrums occur...is he tired and ready for a nap...maybe you can prevent the tantrum by putting him down earlier. Believe it or not, kids sleep better at night when they have regular naps during the day. When they get over-tired they have fitful sleep.

Is he hungry...kids need several snacks during the day between meals (despite what they said when we were growing up). Try to head off these tantrums before they escalate. He can't use words to convey what he wants so he uses the tantrums to vent his frustrations. Try to see what he needs and what he is trying to tell you.

Many of my friends have used sign language to help their children feel more in control of their communication...I always had chatty kids who spoke early, so if you don't want to do the sign thing, talk to him constantly and teach him how to express himself with words. If the tantrums don't pass soon, talk to the pediatrician again.

I went through this with my now 6 yr old son. It's easy to start wondering if something is wrong with your child. Don't let yourself go there. Some children are strong-willed which isn't altogether a bad trait, just one that needs to be channeled in a positive direction. Remain calm and by all means protect yourself. If you sweet-talk (which I'm guilty of - thinking it would calm mine down)then you end up playing into their actions and reinforcing the negative behavior. Ignore what you can and take action when you need to. The issue is about maturity in dealing with emotions. Some adults aren't even able to do this. It will take some patience and prayer but stick to your guns eventually your child will ditch the tantrums. Reward any positive behavior. Good luck.

Hi A., My name is M. and I am the mother of 3 (oldest 16) with 1 on the way. I will tell you that when my oldest son was younger he spent some time doing the head banging thing and throwing tantrums. At the time I was a nanny and trying to deal positively with discipline of their kids and handle mine as well. The way my pediatrician said to handle the tantrums was to #1 do not make eye contact or say anything to the child, and #2 stand them up, put their arms out in front of them and walk them to a room where they can be by themselves safely and close the door. #3 I would leave him in there a number of minutes according to his age: 2 years old, 2 minutes. etc. I will tell you that it only took a couple of days for the tantrums to stop and for him to realize that mom meant business. It really is just an attention thing and the more attention you give it the more they do it for you. I have used this method on all of my children and found it to be extremely helpful. Also, about the violence, are there any other playmates, that you son is around maybe or does he watch TV with you. Did you and your husband leave him with a baby sitter on New Years Eve? If the tantrums don't stop after you have been trying for a while I would consult with the pediatrician again and if that does not work find a new one.

Good luck
M.

Dear A.,

I pray that you have wisdom and patience in this season of your life. Yes, I have been there. I have three children (8,5 and 19 mos.) Sometimes when I was faced with these same issues I'd take a deep breath and pray the Lord would help be disern what to do next. Might I reccommend a book called "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. It was welcomed help for our family. God Bless you!!! Hope that helps.
A.

A.,

My son began the same things at 12-18 mos. Your doctor is wrong you should not ignore the temper tantrums. I had doctors tell me the same thing and finally searching for three years found a doctor that would take what I was telling her seriously so my son could be diagnosed. We were able to help him so much once we had a handle on what wsa going on with him. Let me ask you do you notice you son having any issues with things like tags in shirts bothering him or doesn't like being held to closely? What about foods is he prefering to only eat particular foods? Have you have him allergy tested? Food sensitivities and allergies can play a hugs role in a child's temperment. Do you notice him covering his ears in loud crowded areas? How does he seem to be socially?: Does he prefer to not play with other children, but rather alone quietly with his toys? What about sensitivity to light do bright lights seems to bother him? Have you ever noticed any behavior changes when you clean your home with high smelling agents like bleach, to spraying with Lysol(R) Kepp a journal about your son's behavior. What seem to make him particularly aggrivated. Write down everything including what he has eaten that day. There are many causes for children to have anger & aggression that we cannot readily see. I will pray for you family.

God Bless,
D.

I really don't think an 18-month-old is going to be able to do serious damage to you, but the hitting does need to be stopped. Just realize--it's going to take a while! Same with getting the temper tantrums to stop. Your doctor is right on with her advise. It's not uncommon for kids to hit their heads against a floor or wall when they're upset. He's probably doing it for two reasons: 1) he doesn't know of a way to realize his frustrations and 2) you obviously respond just the way he wants. At that age, even negative attention is better than no attention, so stop paying attention. He's very unlikely to hurt himself (although if he does, you need to talk to your doc again). For my son, I walk away from temper tantrums; he rarely throws one any more, and when he does and I walk off, he stops so he can follow me. When he hits, he gets an immediate time out. The point at this age is not so much to teach him not to hit (although we're working on that too!) but to remove him from the situation that upset him before things escalate.

For the sleeping through the night, that happens from time to time. He might be experiencing a growth spurt, or for some reason he may be unwilling to miss out on whatever might be going on while he's asleep--not that it's likely anything is at that time of night! Again, he's looking for attention, so give him absolutely as little as possible. With my son, we check to make sure he's ok, and then tell him it's night-night time and we are sleeping. I may need to repeat a segment of his night time routine (usually singing the night-night song while rocking him) but then he climbs right back into bed and goes back to sleep.

With my violently angry nephew, we made a "tantrum corner". It was nice and soft. When he began a tantrum, we simply told him that we loved him and if he needed to pitch a fit, he could do it there. We would lovingly pick him up and put him there and let him thrash it out. The key with him was to be neutral and not get worked up. We would check on him often and when he was done, he would come out as if nothing had happened. We would reinforce safety and not hitting people and go on about our way. Boundaries for your and his safety are important. Not letting him cross them will show him your respect for yourself and for him. At the same time, you get to honor his feelings and literally let him work it out. My nephew is a sweet, happy four year old...and no one got a black eye.
Much love and luck,
K.

Hi A.,

As a mom of three and a Parent Coach, I would like to offer some words to consider.

It sounds as if you are really concerned about this. I would recommend seeing another doctor, one who has experience dealing with this type of behavior. It could be that something minor has suddenly set off this behavior, but you as the mom would know best if it fits his personality prior to January 1st or not. The doctor should care enough to discuss your concerns with you. If this second doctor is not concerned that further evaluation is needed, then that might calm your worries for now.

At this young age he is probably over-whelmed at the depth of his own feelings, yet does not know what to do. He might want to be left to deal with the tantrums on his own or need you to step in for comfort and reassurance.

You do not want to pay too much negative attention to the behavior (which could reinforce it or make it worse), but you want to keep your son from hurting his head and you. I like the idea suggested by another mom of holding him and shshsing him or humming a quiet tune for awhile. He might have a luvee he wants to hold. If you holding him doesn't work, perhaps you could ignore it (while observing that he does not bang his head too hard) and see if that will work. IN EITHER CASE, BE SURE TO REMOVE YOURSELVES TO AS QUIET, NON-STIMULATING ENVIRONMENT AS POSSIBLE UNTIL THIS EPISODE PASSES.

Most kids work their way through this in time. When feeling low, remind yourself that he is still the same sweet boy.

I would love to hear what happens!

Good luck,

J. B.
Parent Coach

Ignoring the tantrum may be difficult and embarassing but you must learn. We had a "fit" room, the laundry room, if you had a tantrum, you were ushered unemotionally to the "fit having" room. It is beyond stressful to listen to the escalating ruckus but you must. Your conrtol of your emotions about his fits is key. He is not capable of controlling his emotions, you must help him learn by example. He won't really do much damage by hitting his head it's mostly for shock value. You must adopt a no hard feelings approach to this action. Nothing personal, everyting has it's place, if you feel the need to have a big ol' fit, feel free to let loose, however, you must go to the fit haveing place. You must also consider that something traumatic happened on New Year's Eve. My son changed overnight when he was eleven, I found out years later he was sexually abused. I am not saying this to scare you, but if his behavior persists and he becomes worse, please ask your pediatrician to recommend a professional to evaluate your son.
A little about me:
I am a mother of three grown sons and two grandchildren

Every mom has to deal with this same problem. First, do not show your toddler that you are scared of him. He is much smaller than you, he can only "hurt" you if you let him. I can understand not being able to ignore him banging his head on the floor, so when he starts, restrain him. Pick him up, wrap your arms around him, and start talking. Tell him that what he is doing is wrong, that he can hurt himself, and that you love him. He is developing his understanding of things right now, just be patient. He will probably still have these urges past his second birthday, but it will taper off into hyperness/excitement by his third birthday. Take a deep breath, and hang in there.

First, do what you need to do to prevent him from injuring himself. You may have to try different things. Put a pillow under his head when he bangs it on the floor. With my son, we established a time out spot that was in an armchair. It was padded enough that he did not get hurt when flailed around. Once he is safe, then you ignore him. During the time out, interact with him as little as possible. If he tries to get out of time out, put him back and say "No". It does not need to be loud, just normal voice.
My son had to stay in time out until he calmed down. Some times he had to stay in time out for a very long time. When we started, I would say "time out over", the second that he calmed down. This taught him to calm himself because he was rewarded (by getting up) for becoming calm. Now (3 years later), he has to be calm for a little longer before he can get up. Once the time out is over, you can talk about why he was upset. All behavior is communication.
I agree with some of the other posters that it sounds like there could be something going on to cause this. Keep an eye on him and get help if you need it.

You might try to see if the tantrums are in relationship to his inability to communicate his needs. You can also have him evaluated by your Early Childhood Intervention program to see if his communication/behavior is something they can help you with. If you need help finding your local service area for this birth to 3 program call the state number 1-800-628-5115 and they can get you that info. A.

This kind of temper tantrum can be both bewildering and hazardous. I think you will find the best help by setting up an appointment with Austin Child Guidance Center. The professionals there are extremely competent, and assist the family in finding solutions after observing the child at play and interaction with family members. I wouldn't wait for this type of evaluation. If you live outside of Austin, then look for a facility that has a systems approach to child counseling and incorporates trained play therapy. Again, immediate evaluation and intervention will save you and your child from frustration and escalating tantrums while giving you some answers from well-trained professionals who care about kids and families (as opposed to those who are likely to prescribe drugs because they lack the more sophisticated counseling training).

A physician is NOT trained to deal with these types of behavioral and emotional issues. People often make the mistake of going to a family physician or pediatrician in these situations, but an expert in child development and counseling has far superior training in this area-years in graduate school and professional training.

Your alternative to try various behavioral modification techniques, be it positive reinforcement for good behavior, or punishment for "bad" is unlikely to be effective in the long run. For less severe tantrums, parents do experience improvements by these techniques. There is clearly an emotional facet to your child's behavior that requires further exploration and illumination.

Good luck!
I.

I know this may not be the popular response but the first time my children used aggression and violence to express their frustration I spanked their little bottom and told them in no uncertain terms that it was not tolerated to express anger in that way.

I would suggest you curb it immediately by findng what works with him and teaching him other methods to express himself.

At that age they have tantrums for 2 reasons.
1. to control their environment. It often works as people will do anything to get a kid to quit screaming and banging things. So they have to be taught you won't tolerate it.

2. to express themselves (anger, frustration, rage) when they cannot talk well and don't know how else to express it.

Take him for long walks to tire him out, let him play on things that expend energy like climbing up and sliding down, running, hammering (toy hammers), swinging, etc.

Also help him when he is frustrated with a task by either distracting him from it (something he cannot physically do yet and is trying to anyway) or showing him a way to do it that will work for him.

But some things he is just going to have to learn to accept and now is the time to start learning that.

Had to add....I would second keeping a journal and observing your child. My third child has a few issues. I am a sahm and was able to recognize certain triggers. When he was tired he became louder and threw toys around rather than playing. When he was overwhelmed by too much noise/stimilus he withdrew from things. I learned his signs and knew something was bothering him. I still taught him tantrums were not acceptable. But I had to teach him to remove himself from situations that were overwhelming rather than screaming or hitting others. I also had to teach him the proper words to say. ex: "It bothers me when you do that, can you please stop?" "I am sorry, but I don't feel well. I need to go lay down." Even a 18 month old can start learning that he needs mom's lap and a quiet rocking time when he feels overwhelmed. Mine did. ;-)

Good luck,

Hi A.! I wonder if he has seen something on tv that was violent or something. I know we all try to monitor what our kids watch but we can't control the tv 24/7. The reason I say this is--the other day my 3 yr old daughter was "hitting" our tv (which is a mesh screen) and I asked her why she did that and she told me it was bc Squidward was hitting Spongebob and she was giving Squidward a "spanking" for being ugly to Spongebob. So-it's just a thought but they pick up on stuff when we don't een realize it. Hopefully this is just a passing phase of a little boy soon to be a toddler! GOod LUCk!

The Happiest Toddler on the Block is great for this stuff. It says that if you acknowledge your child's feelings ("Name" is ANGRY! "Name" wants "blank") that you validate what they are feeling, you also express that YOU understand. I found it works really well. Make sure you use the proper tone of voice and facial expressions, sounding/looking angry if he's angry, sad if he's sad, etc.

I was able to nip a many a temper tanturms in the bud this way. Good luck!

Other than seeing a different doctor about this, to rule out physiological problems, you might consider having a toddler car seat in the house, if you think he is going to hurt himself or you, then put him in it to restrain him until he calms himself down. Additionally I would look at a couple books by highly educated individuals such as Dr. James Dobson (one of his many good books is The New Dare to Discipline) or Gary Ezzo (Toddler Wise). Hopefully this is just a phase...and I am sure you are thinking the same thing!
~K.

Do you ever have a chance to watch "Super Nanny" on TV? If you could watch it without the children around, you would get some very good ideas, like "time outs" in the naughty chair. Constistency is important here, and you have to let your son know, without talking, that you will hold out longer than he will when telling him to stay in the naughty chair for the alotted time, which is one minute for every year they are old. If he gets up before the time is up, place him back in the chair, and start timing again, even if he gets up over and over again. Believe me, it works. I had to physically hold my son in place the first time he was in time out because he kept getting up, so I just held him until the timer went off. He knew I meant business, and from then on, he sat quietly until the timer went off. They need to be placed where they can't get anything to play with. When it comes to hitting, this is serious business, and needs to be curtailed now. He mustn't be allowed to get away with this, so the time out is very important.At the end of the time out,you must also tell him that he needs to tell you that he is sorry for hurting you, and then you accept his apology, and give him a kiss and a hug and tell him you love him. You must tell him why he is being put in a time out for every offense, so he will know why he must sit out. He will eventually realize that he will be missing out on whatever is going on around him, and the bad behaviour will start to be corrected. It takes a lot of patience on your part, but you must stand firm. Good luck.

Hi A.,
I have two boys and my first really never had a out right temper tantrums but my 2nd is now doing them and he is 15 months old.
I also had a child in my 3 year class (MDO) that would hit his head on the floor or slam himself into the wall or hit himself in the face when things didn't go his way. I would really suggest you ignore the behavior. I know that some would not say this was the right thing to do because of him possibly hurting himself but the attention is going to help fuel the behavior and make it more of a habit in the long run. If you haven't already tried I would also attempt to distrait him with something right BEFORE the tantrum begins. I started ignoring my son when he throws a fit and it's really helped alot. He stills cry s out but it stops fairly quickly.
As for the hitting I consider that a different offense and do not allow this behavior at all. Causing pain on another is something that you should nip in the bud. I would say "no hit" and put him in a crib or someplace where he is confined for a time out until he calms down which could take a while its the first time for him. He'll probably get quite violent about it since he's figured out a way to get to you. I believe that he has figured out (hurting himself or you) gets a good reaction from you. In the heat of battle I would suggest that you ALWAYS remain calm in your voice and body language. One good way to get your child to gain self control is be a good example of it. Easier said than done sometimes! :)
C.

Fits of temper in young children are often just a way to express intense emotion that they don't know how else to deal with.

Violence in young children is often a way of making themselves feel powerful.

If your 18 month old hitting their head on the floor FORCES you to act, then you are giving them A LOT of power for doing that. If violent outbursts SCARE you, then violent outbursts give your child AN INCREDIBLE amount of power.

You aren't going to stop the violent outbursts in your child until YOU learn to cope with them.

Here's my advice:

When the child throws a tantrum - not violent, just angry - then acknowledge them at first. You could say something like, "Wow, you are really upset about ___________. What should we do about this?" Getting your child engaged in dialogue will often end the tantrum.

If your child will not talk, starts banging their head on the floor, or gets violent, PICK THEM UP (from behind, under their arms, if you're scared), hold them tightly against your body (you may want to wrap one arm around him - under his arm, across his chest, and then pin his head to your chest to prevent him slamming his head backwards...not that it will hurt terribly if he does), and take them firmly, quickly, and quietly to Time Out.

Time Out should be three things: inescapable, quiet, and OUT OF SIGHT. A stroller or car seat that straps the child into place is a great Time Out. You don't want the child to run right back out of Time Out, or to hurt themselves (such as with head banging) or to kick at their bedroom door, so you strap them in. This also makes Time Out more calming - and less bearable - for many kids. Time Out should be in a quiet, calm environment. It should also be out of sight. Your child can't impress you with his violent outbursts if you aren't watching. He may try and engage you by screaming or yelling the first time or three, but after a while, he'll learn that Time Out is Time Out, and that will stop. A good indicator for the length of Time Out is 1 minute for every year of age.

THEN when your child starts to throw his next tantrum, the first step is to try to engage them... something like, "Wow, you're really angry about ____________. What should we do about it?" or even, "Would you like to watch a movie?" If that doesn't work, the next step is, "You have two choices: stop behaving that way or go to Time Out. Which do you prefer?" If there is no answer, you say, "Well, I guess it's Time Out, then," and carry them off.

Don't give your child the message that violence gives them power, and don't assume there's something wrong with your child.

Don't be afraid, and don't give up. Lots of kids go through similar outbursts, and it's your job as a mom to teach them that those behaviors will get them nowhere...nowhere but Time Out, anyway. :)

In my experiance with children that do this, what seemed to work best was holding them tightly while sitting and rocking making calming noises. Sit in an indian style position and hold the child where they are facing forward, this prevents them from being able to hit you and make things worse. The more upset you get the worse the tantrum. Just hold them tight enough that they can't wiggle out and start hitting and kicking. Rock them and making a shhhhh noise. This should calm the child down. They say if there is stress in your life there is stress in their lives. Hope this helps.

A.--don't take it personal! Until you ignore him you won't know that it will work. Your doctor knows what she's talking about. This is not unusual. I have 3 grown children and only 1 threw tantrums. We picked him up and took him to his room and put him on the carpet/rug--very unemotionally. If he hurts himself he'll learn it's not worth it, but if he's too hard to remove him from the room, then you should leave the room. Don't try to talk to him except--"I'll see you when you're through"--if no one is there to watch him, he'll soon learn the tantrum in not getting him what he wants. Yes, at 18 months (and sometimes sooner) they know how to manipulate you. It sounds like he's successful too. And please--an 18 month old is NOT going to hurt you--except your feelings. Remember you're the mom! Try this every time and this phase won't last long. You'll do great and he'll soon feel secure in knowing he has a boss!

Your child's behavior is not necessarily out of the realm of normal for his age. Kids all behave differently--they are not "clean slates," they come hard-wired with basically the same instincts: "ME!!!MINE!!!! and NOW!!!!" and they will disagree with your attempts to move them from complete self-centeredness to self-control at varying degrees, depending on the child's temperment. Your job now is to get him through this, and together, you can. He has to receive a clear, strong message from you that if he's looking for a fight, he's found one. You can't show fear--he feeds off of that. You have to stand up strong and show him he is NOT the boss of your home, he doesn't make the rules, and there are consistent consequences for crossing boundaries. When he begins to start a tantrum, do not engage in any back and forth discussion, avoid eye-contact, and state in a monotone voice: "If you continue with that behavior, I will take you to time-out." and if he continues, no more warnings. Scoop him up and hold him where he can't cause you any injuries, and unceremoniously put him in a play pen, strap him in a car seat--any place he can't hurt himself & where he's out of your sight. Tell him he can come out when he stops the tantrum, and he is NOT the boss. Then walk away. Let him raise the roof, which he will, but it won't take long (because he sounds like he's very smart!) to figure out--"I don't like this--I think I'll be quiet!" Be consistent--that's the key. And don't issue warnings you can't or won't follow through with-it only weakens your authority.

have you tried monitoring his food? some kids react quite violently to artificial additives in food (color and flavor) as well as a whole host of other natural foods. my sister-in-law threw awful tantrums when she was younger and my mother-in-law didn't want to put her on meds and found the feingold diet. try that maybe and see...good luck! let me know if i can be of help.

My nephew threw really bad temper tantrums with the slamming his head against the floor, but he has outgrown them. We did the ignoring thing, then, when he was done, he was disciplined with a time out. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent, that's the key. When you go back and forth, he doesn't get the structure he needs.

You've got some good advice. One practical tip for ignoring, does he have his own room? If so set up a playpen in his room every morning, when the temper tantrum starts(not when it gets out of hand, but starts)calmly without affection or emotion pick him up set him in the playpen and leave the room. Don't beg or bribe him to be done, take him out when he's calm or even happy. If he can climb out of the playpen make the room as child proof as possible and get a baby gate.
My daughter grew to love her playpen it was like an oasis for her to deal with her emotions, when we travel and things would overwhelm her she would ask for it.
Within a few days of consistent ignoring he'll see he can't control you with his anger, and learn to communicate with you on a different level.

Also make a point to stay home for a few days to work on it, one temper tantrum in public can undo a lot. Use the same principle, calmly stop what you are doing(even if you have a basket full of unpaid groceries, sometimes parenting is more important)carry him kicking and screaming if you must, buckle him in his carseat and either wait it out or go home,don't let it fluster you, show no emotion at all, if you are consistent it will only happen once(I speak from experience)

I wish you the best I know how unnerving it can be.