Help with Temper Tantrums

I am really big into distraction. For instance, if my 20-month-old daughter starts to act out while I'm changing her diaper (kicking and throwing her head back), I ask her "Oh, where is the clock? I can never find it" (she loves clocks for some reason) and then she is proud to show it to me. If she doesn't want to be held, I'll start asking her about the toy that's on the ground or the show on TVand let her tell me about it.

Good luck!
M.

Two-year-olds really go through peaks and valleys. With my kids, sometimes it helped to just mirror the emotion, then move on. "Wow! I can tell you feel mad." If this doesn't difuse the situation rather quickly, kindly and gently help her to her room and say, "You can be mad in here, and Come out when you feel happy." Then make a big fuss over how glad you are when she emerges. It's probably a phase, likely to happen for a couple weeks or so. The other phrase that worked for me is, "I love you even when you feel mad and grumpy." It was like a light bulb moment for my kids, and I've used that on three children so far (the 4th hasn't moved into the bug tantrum phase yet!). It will pass, yea!

Wow lots of wonderful advice. The only thing that I would add is to not send her to her room. Do not make going to her room a punishment or you might end up with problems getting her to play or sleep in her room. At my in home daycare we have a crying room (the entryway with a childlocked door). The children are allowed to cry and/or throw a fit and release whatever emotion they want to in this room only. Some of my children go there on their own and some have to be taken there, but none are allowed to come out until they are calm again. Works amazingly well! And you would be surprised how quickly they can recover when they are alone and no one is giving them any attention at all and it saves my ears and heart from having to listen to them. Once they come out we talk about what is bothering them, if there is a solution (needs attention) they get it, if there is not (wants something they cannot have) they are told no again......sometimes it takes several tries before they give up and move on, but it has always worked for me : )

Good luck and hang in there

This is a new approach I have been doing with my 2 1/2 year old boy who is great at fits. It may or may not help. When he starts on whatever his fit is about, for example a toy, I mirror back his anger and talk with him. So I would say. "I know you really want that toy. But it is sister's turn right now. I know you are so angry. You can have a turn in a minute." I just keep letting him know I understand why he is having the fit. It seems to help. And let me tell you he is great at fits. I mean terrible, throws toys at me, cannot control himself, but this is helping a ton. But he really appreciates me at least acknowledging his anger. It is working with the 4 year old too. I got it from a book called Happiest Toddler on the Block. I know the most common advice is to ignore her, but mine just gets louder and worse and this seems to stop it before that point.

J. I know this is going to sound harsh but I have a 2 and a half year old son and his temper tantrums are outrageous. Kicking screaming throwing etc etc... My parents told me a couple months ago that the only thing that would stop my neices and nephews tantrums was to put them kicking and screaming into a cold shower. Clothes and all. I tried my hardest not to succome to this and I tell you what. They were right. My son has the worst tantrums and I just pick him up screaming and kicking and stand him in the shower, like I said clothes and all. Yes the screaming does get worse but I very calmly reach down and tip his sweet little face up at me while he is screaming at me and I ask him if he is done. And every time I have had to do this he has said yes and he is sorry. We take the wet clothes off, put warm clothes on and snuggle. I explain to him that this behaving isnt nice and I will not permit it. I have only had to give him 3 of these showers but like I said it works. I know it doesnt seem nice but it's alot better than some of the punishments I have seen other parents give there children and the only thing it hurts is his pride. Good luck..

Oh the temper tantrums. Probably one of the worst things we dealt with. I am a mother of two children ages 7 and 4. When my oldest started throwing tantrums at about the same age as your daughter I was completely beside myself. I felt exactly like you feel.
I actually ended up consulting my Dr. and he gave us great advice. He said when the tantrum starts you have to pay absolutely no attention to it and pretend it isn't happening. "Yeah Right" I said. How can anyone possibly ignore that? The Dr. said if we couldn't ignore it in the same room then to put them in their room (a place they are safe) and close the door and let them know they can come out as soon as it's done. Then the key is to really and truly pay no attention to it while it's going on. Our Dr. gave us a printout on tantrums and it said that kids at that age are figuring out how to get our undivided attention. They learn really quickly that they can do it when they throw a tantrum. And when I thought about it...I guess I was spending the entire tantrum trying to appease my daughter which is exactly what she wanted. Even though she really wouldn't accept anything I tried to do (hugging, singing, whatever it was) I was devoting myself to her cause. Plus at that age, tantrums become a normal response to life not going their way. If you show them that you will not respond to that type of behavior, positively or negatively, they lose the desire to "keep it up". Tantrums may still occur, but the frequency and length will decrease immensly. Believe me, it's not easy to ignore them. I spent several tantrums in the other room crying myself because I just wanted to go try and help my kids calm down. It's a Motherly instinct. But being I was at the end of my rope I held strong and stuck to that as being the consistent way we would treat a tantrum. The results were amazing. By 4 or 5 tantrums later, my Daughter got to the poing where we'd put her in her room and within a minute or two she would be done because she wanted to come out. By the time my Son got to the tantrum age, we were pros on putting him in his room and it worked like a charm.

My daughter used to have this issue when she woke up from naps. I discovered that it was due to low blood sugar. Since realizing that, I make sure she has a small snack before going down for her nap; we haven't had the issue again since. Maybe try an added snack for your daughter around the time that she tends to melt down (if there is a certain time!). Good luck!
S.

is she tantruming because she is being hugged ,touched etc? if so that may be a different matter entirely. one that i would be more concerned about. but if it is normal tantruming send her to a safe spot and tell her when she is done she can come and talk to you. just leave it at that. then catch her being good at other times and keep an eye on her behavior. see if you can decod eher tantrums. do they have to do with overstimulation or another sensory issue. my son started doing this around that age and he was just diagnosed with asperger's syndrome which is a form of autism. i am not saying that is the issue with your girl but it is always good to be aware of things so we can best help our kids. best of luck to you, N.

J.-
I noticed where you said that you have a 4 month old son. Have you ever considered that your daughter feels left out or no longer loved? She might not want you to touch her because she feels that she is being left out or forgotten or not cared about. You have to understand that young children don't understand that babies need constant care and that you are his mother too, and he needs you. The only thing she sees is that you are now giving most of your attention to someone else, and she's not getting nearly as much as she used to, so she has to act out to get attention, whether it be good or bad. So my advise would be to ignore her tantrums, and be sure to praise her when she's being good and love on her often!

My doctor told me to just ignore my daughter when she throws a tantrum. She usually throws herself on the floor, cries a bit and then just stops. It would go on a lot longer before I tried ignoring her. She does seem to have less now. But she does seem to throw more tantrums when she is ready for a nap...

I have a 5 and 2 year old myself. My best advice to you is to give her as little attention as possible when she acts that way. Do put her in her room and let her know when she's finished she may come out because no one wants to see or hear her act that way. When she sees that she gets no reaction they should occur less often.

Hope that helps.

Walk away from her. Dont look back do not respond to the negative behavior. By doing so you are giving her attention for the negative behavior which encourages her to repeat it again next time. After she calms down you can talk to her about better ways of expressing herself.

Ignore her. Make sure she is safe and walk away (with your 4 month old in tow). Let her have it out and don't add any energy to the situation. That totally works for my 2 1/2 year old.

Hi J.,
My son is 21 mos but started with tantrums a little while ago. Distraction has worked sometimes with him and in one case I just started blowing bubbles into the room. What I have found the most helpful though is to not get him in a position where he is tired and hungry. That combination seems to trigger a tantrum no matter what. So I suggest checking out so possible stresses your daughter might be experiencing and maybe her routine just needs to be changed. The last thing I will share with you is that tantrum stages seem to come and go with my son. Some weeks we have a few and some weeks we don't have any. take care, R.

The last thing you want to do is encourage tantrums. Don't hug or give positive attention. When my 2 year old throws a tantrum I ignore it. I used to put him in his crib until he calmed down. Now that he's in a bed, I can't do that any more. The more I try to put him in his room or on the time out step to calm down, the more he resits. I just ignore it, and let him cry it out where he is. If I can't stand it anymore, I leave the room.

My three year old daughter has her moments of drama. When she was younger and would start crying and melting down, I would calmly walk over to her and take her to her room. I would sit her on the floor in the middle of her room, and tell her to cry it all out and when she felt better to come out of her room. She will be four in July, and now she automatically goes to her room, cries it out, then comes out and sweetly says "I feel better now."

Tantrums are always some form of frustration. You can minimize your child's frustration at this age but you cannot get rid of it completely. What you must NEVER do once the tantrum has started is give in. Giving in to a tantrum is the best way of ensuring that there will be plenty more where that one came from! You have just proven to your child that throwing a tantrum gets her exactly what she wanted.
Make sure she can't hurt herself, stay calm/never get angry, don't try to reason with her (she can't hear really), leave the room. She will tire out.
Later explain that you love her but tantrums are unacceptable at getting what she wants but asking nicely is a wonderful way! You are the parent and she is the child. Keep it that way.

J.,

My 22 mo daughter is doing the same thing. It seems to help if I express what I think she is feeling. Like, "Mommy knows you wanted to stay at the playground, but it is time to go home." "It sounds like you are very frustrated." "That sounds really tough--I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. We will sit here together until you feel better." I find sitting near her and talking with her about her feelings seems to help. It might help to figure out what is triggering the tantrums, and see if you can eliminate the cause. Is she hungry, over-tired, feeling neglected with a new baby in the house? Could you have special time with her while baby is eating? My mom used to read stories to us while she nursed the younger kids, and we looked forward to that time. Can you put baby in a sling or carrier and spend special time with your older child? Maybe making a point of that will help the tantrums. Good luck. Hang in there!