Help with Two Year Old Temper and Discipline Problem.

Hi T.,
I have found that the best method for us was to actually ignore it and walk away and do something else. They do it for the attention and you know what they say "Any attention is better than none". We really stuck with it and soon they realized that it is doing nothing for them and stopped doing it. After they were done, I would then go back and talk with them in a calm voice about the situation. Good luck,
M.

T., this sounds very familiar to the situation I have with my youngest daughter who is 3 1/2. Recently I got some advice from a friend that has been working very well. I used to believe that was most important to be able to control her, but now I realize that it is more important to remain calm - which ironically keeps ME in control - not her! Anyway - the thing that has worked SO well for us in the last 2 weeks has been to simply IGNORE it. Literally I will walk into the other room, get up from where I am sitting, hum a little tune, go do something else. I make no eye contact, sometimes I might say "When you can use your words, I can help you" just ONCE, then continue with the ignoring. One time she was throwing a major fit on the way home in the car and when we got home, we all just got out and walked in the house and left her in the car. We watched her from the window and it was hilarious because as soon as her audience was gone, she immediatly stopped and starting playing with the car door. For my daughter her PAYOFF is keeping me engaged. She will do whatever she has to, in order to keep me in the battle. When I chose to not be a part of it - she is not getting any payoff. You have to figure out your son's payoff. A lot of strong willed kids will endure any amount of discipline just to keep their parents engaged in the battle, and to control their emotions. Anyway...for what it's worth, it's helped me. Good luck!

Hi there T.! Well I know where you are coming from, but believe me, the time out thing really works, but it all depends on you and how strong you are. My husband for example he plays all the time with our daughter but once she is naughty and throwing a tantrum, he loses it himself and time out doesn't work because he doesn't stay persistant. What I do, is when she throws a fit, I don't ask her if she wants to go into time out, I simply pick her up, put her in time out, explain to her why she is there, leave her there for 2 1/2 minutes because that is how old she is. Believe me, she will kick, scream, and even get out of time out, so I simply pick her up without saying a word because you have to remember they are trying to get your attention put her back and start the 2 1/2 minutes again. Once her time is up, I go down to her eye level and tell her what she did to go into time out and ask for an apology. If she doesn't apologize for her behavior I start the whole process again. The first time I tried this, she got up about 14 times and it took a lot out of me, but she then realized that I was not going to let up. She now watches her temper and when she does go into time out she doesn't move, and apologizes immediately. Her attitude towards me has changed because she knows to respect me and that I love her. Remember that when they do apologize, ask for lots of hugs and kisses. Also, going down to their eye level makes them feel that you are talking to them and not down to them. I hope this helps and everything works out for you.

aloha,
S.

One thing make work better on one child then others. Here are 2 things that I have tried and it has really worked.

1. Walk away---go in the other room totally ignore him while he is behaving in the negative way. As soon as he stops give him attention. That way he will know he will gain more by being good. It really works.

2. Reverse Psychology. I had a 4 year old in my daycare throwm temper tantrums like kicking and screaming. When nothing worked like the standing in corners or timeout. I got on the floor with him and told him to kick and scream harder. I wanted to see his face to turn red. Ok, this may not work for some kids but he told me no I will not do that for you. and he stopped. I tried it one other time with him and he has never behaved like that again. Of course we had a talk about his behavior and how it was not appropriate afterwards. But it worked for me.

At the store when my son threw a fit, my husband took him out to the car and they waited for me to finish shoppping. We have only had to do it 2 times and he will be 4 in 2 months.

I hope this helps you!

When I'm with my grandson and he has a temper tantrum I send him to his room to cool down and this works. He's 3 and I started this a long time ago. At first I had to pick him up and take him there and that can't be done when he's kicking and hitting. The ideal was to "catch" the tantrum before it reached that stage. Or to prevent the tantrum all together by noticing what starts them and take care of the cause before he tantrums. For example: is he hungry, tired, over stimulated. Does he need more attention?

Sometimes, if I knew what was making him cranky (which could build up into a tantrum)it worked if I fed him, held him, read him a story.

Usually, when my granddaughter had tantrums she needed more attention. I could just sit down on the floor next to her or a few feet away from her and wait until she'd calmed down and then she'd crawl into my lap, cry for awhile, and it would be over. She's 6 now and still gets angry but the tantrums are nearly gone. Frequently she will ask me to hold her when she's upset and thus prevent the all out tantrum.

When my grandson went to his room sometimes he'd fall asleep. Now he mostly cries and sometimes kicks and screams for a very short time, then calms himself by playing with his toys and then comes back out OK.

When he was kicking and screaming I just let him do it where he was, staying away from him so that I wouldn't get hit. I agree with the experts that it is best to just ignore him while he's doing that.

Sitting near him does not work. He gets even more agitated. Being left alone works best.

Tantrums are normal. These little guys haven't learned how to take care of their feelings. Even as an adult I sometimes feel like throwing a tantrum myself. Of course I don't because I now know how to take care of myself.

What is important is to not punish him for his feelings which he is expressing with a tantrum. And a regular time out is definately not going to work because he is out of control. If he could control himself enough to sit in time out he wouldn't be having a tantrum.

By putting him in his room you are letting him know you don't want to listen to this and you're making it possible for you to ignore him. By ignoring him you're letting him know he won't get what he wants by having a tantrum. You are also showing him a way to calm himself down. And by focusing on preventing the things that contribute to the tantrum you're helping him be able to control his emotions.

And no matter what you do he will still have tantrums. He'll eventually learn how to control his emotions and that he won't get what he's been denied by tantruming. You can help him learn better ways to get what he wants when he's not tantruming. And teach him ways to soothe himself or more importantly be sure that he's had enough to eat, enough sleep, and a quiet environment before he's overwhelmed. Of course that isn't always possible. So just accept that he's agitated, doesn't know what to do about it, is learning how to manage his feelings and how to get what he wants and know that punishing him will not help. You can't make him control himself. You can teach him that the tantrum doesn't work as well as ways to calm himself. You can give the tantrum less importance by ignoring it, thus taking it away as a tool in a power struggle.

And if he's to learn about staying calm he needs to see you calm. You are his role model.

Tantrums are difficult. We adults tend to get embarrassed if they happen in public and even at home our instinct seems to be to stop it. We may even get angry because this kid is being so obnoxious and disrupting our time and emotions.

Be assured that he will outgrow it when he learns better ways to handle his anger and his desire to have it his way.

We have a back deck at our house, and when my son would have a big temper tantrum I'd take him outside and leave him out there for a couple minutes. This is especially effective in the fall/winter. The cold temperature cools him right off. He's not going to be hurt by a minute or two outside without a coat unless it's exceptionally cold that day. I'd say something like "if you're going to act like a wild animal you can be outside where the wild animals are. When you're ready to be civilized you can come back inside."

Please only read what I have to say and determine for youself whether it is useful. One I have a good book "How to parent the strong willed child" I use to go through the same thing with my son, and after reading this book it gave me a few things to try. However, if you are like most working moms you do not have the time to read....so here is an idea. When ever he is doing something naughty read him a book. Do not aknowledge the bad behavior (if you can help it) Just simply say son come here and I will read you a book. It may sound unmanegable, but it really worked well for my son and I. I never read the book word for word, but the key thing I got out of it was don't give negative attention even saying no because it is attention. Just try to redirect them. The reading a story was just something I tried. BE CONSISTENT in what ever you do both your husband and you. I hope this helps and I hope I didn't offend you that was not my intention. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
S. G

I know this may sound a little harsh, but it worked on both of my kids. Walk Away. Go find something else to do in another room. In public, repeat to your child that his behavior is inappropriate in a calm voice and continue what you are doing. He is wanting attention for his negative behavior and that's exactly what he's getting. But, if you ignore it and he is no longer getting the attention he wants from it he will se that it's no longer working.

Hope this helps :)

A.

One of my friends has a child who has some behavior problems, and her therapist gave her the idea when they start kicking and screaming, is to make them kick there legs for like two minutes. She puts on a timer and everything. She just basically continues what she is doing and sets the timer and tells him if he needs to get some energy out to continue until the buzzer goes off. By the time the buzzer goes off, he has gotten off some of the energy and she is able to talk to him about it. I was amazed the first time I saw it.

I've been there with a two year old too and it definately can drive you crazy. My oldest tried the pitching a fit when he didn't get his way and basically I put him in his room where he couldn't get hurt and closed the door. I tell him when he is ready to act nicely and use his words he may come out of his room, but until then he could throw his fit where it didn't hurt our ears. I had a two year old and an infant at the time, so this was the easiest for me. It worked. He got tired of being left out, so he started being nice.

When the kids got older we did a reward system. I called them big boy beads. I got two little jars and one big jar and filled the big jar with little rocks(decorative stones from walmart) Whenever they were acting nicely or helping or playing together nicely they would get a bead. If they were behaving badly, then I would take a bead away. By the end of the week if you had ten or more beads, we would take them out for ice cream.

Hope that helps. Three completely different ways of disciplining and all three has their advantages and disavantages. I think the key is to stay consistent in whatever you decide. Don't give up! You are doing great!

I've recently had this problem with my son as well. I've found that he likes the attention he gets from throwing a scene... so I've resorted to putting him in his room (where there is no one to witness his outburst) until he calms down. I tell him that when he calms down he can come out. Once he calms down I go into his room - get down on his level and let him know that it's not okay to hit, throw a fit, cause a scene, and explain the situation... telling him that once he's done throwing a scene then he can come out. @ the end of it I ask him to give me a hug & kiss and this really helps the situation. It's been working 'most' of the time... (time-outs in the corner haven't been working for me) ... hope it can help you as well.
Blessings,
S.
p.s. remeber... it's just a phase.

T.,
My daughter used to scream until she broke blood vessels in her face, throw herself down. Oh man at the time I felt like I could pick her up and throw her and not feel anything. I went into counseling and took her too and eventually she grew out of it. But when we were going to see a counselor things got better.

Good luck

My son is almost 2 (20 Months to be exact) and when he gets angry he bangs his head on anything near him....I totally understand where your coming from. I have a friend that disciplines her son by having a spacific time out chair that he sits in and I have seen it with my own eyes it really works...Only hard thing is the beginning getting him to understand that he has to stay there! But don't we all wish our kids would some how listen!

I am going through the same thing with mine right now. The only thing that has semi worked is actually picking him up and putting him in his crib for a minute or two. When I come back in the room he will have calmed down and I can try to talk with him about the fit he just had. Some times this works and others he is just difficult. I know they say terrible twos but threes are hard too. As I have found from my other kids, it does get better. Good Luck!