Head Banging During Temper Tantrums?

I love this article from Mothering Magazine:

http://mothering.com/articles/growing_child/toddlers/tant...

I hope it helps you, though it may not address the head banging scenario specifically.

~N.

I read the advice that you have been given, and I see things quite differently. I have been working in special education, with children who will hit their heads until they do damage, so I disagree that a child will stop if it hurts. I think you have to assume there is a reason she is doing this (it could be attention, but it could also be that she is in other pain that she is trying to avoid or various other reasons). Once you have an idea of what she is attempting to get, you can creatively figure out how to give it to her. If it is attention, which is a legitimate need (and not a manipulation), then provide her that attention in positive ways (preferably before the tantrum starts) so she doesn't need to hit her head.
Well, I know that sounds simplistic, and you may be thinking - this lady doesn't have a clue... I have three children, one of which has been known to throw temper tantrums (although not with head banging), I used the ignoring technique with him when he was little. It never felt right, but I didn't know any other way. Recently my children have been under a lot of stress due to external circumstances, and we have had tantrums with self destructive(punching hard things) and environmentally destructive behavior (throwing chairs). I know it is because of the stress. I know they are emotionally hurting. And my question is how can I help them to deal with their feelings in a productive way. Last year I found an author (Aletha Solter) who wrote a series of parenting books (all wonderful). One among them is called "Tears and Tantrums: What to do when babies and children cry." From this book I learned that crying released hormones (through the tears) that are in the bloodstream after stressful situations (and it just has to be stressful for the kid, it may seem silly to you). If a kid doesn't cry to get these hormones out of her system, then they stay, often leading to tantrums. Aletha recommends a holding technique for tantrums - basically you stay with the child in your arms (firmly and genlty) throughout the tantrum (staying calm) and encourage them to get to the point of crying. The idea is that they will learn to cry instead of tantrum. I recommend her book. It's small and easy to read, and her approach is the first one where I felt good about what I was doing with my kids. I just wish I had had it earlier so my kids would have continued to be okay with crying and hadn't learned to suppress that natural way of stress relief, now I have to help them re-learn how to cry (sounds silly, but that's it). Aletha also has a website with articles and excepts to get you started, or if you feel skeptical, it is www.awareparenting.com . I highly reccomnet looking into this. After parenting for 10 years, I feel that at last I found an approach I can feel good about.

Pick her up, put her in her room/crib/bed and walk off. If she gets up do it again without a word. She is frustrated and this is what a lot of kids do with frustration. However, you cannot let hurt herself either. She is just trying to get your attention, just put her in a safer spot and continue ignoring her tantrums! When she is done, explain how badly she could hurt herself when she bangs her head.

My son used to head bang against the wall when he was about two to three years old. I just ignored him and he eventually stopped because it wasn't getting him anywhere. He was basically doing it to get attention. If you're responding, then gosh darn it, she is SMART and it is WORKING! NO kid is going to bang hard enough to hurt themselves. If they do, then they'll only do it once because no matter how old they are, they're just not that stupid.

If you can just ignore it, then she'll stop. If you keep acting on it when she does it, then she'll keep doing it. Kids do what works. I know it's hard, but remember that she's not going to do it hard enough to hurt herself and if she does, she'll only do it once. Good luck.

Hi. I am an ER/RN with two kids of my own. The head banging is done for attention, which is a two way street because yes you don't want her to hurt herself, and she knows she will get a reponce if she does it hard enough.
The trick now :) is to deal with the head-banging and the tantrum - both not being acceptable.
... Do you think she would do it once hard enough to hurt - but not hopefuly cause a cut or anything - and then be able to sit her down and yes, hitting your head hurts so don't...
If she understands, for some it has worked by letting the child know you(the parent)are not impressed with the behavior and they need to try harder to get your attention. I saw this in a store once, the girl thru herself on the floor, and the mom kept unloading and said over her shoulder "I am not impressed, try harder". So the girl got up and was quiet, frowning but quiet. ... Quite amazing.
THe other option I have done is put my son in his bed and then let him tantrum to his hearts contant until he says he is done and ready to get out. Takes about 5 minutes.

Oh, this is an easy one. When she starts to throw a tantrum pick her up as though she were a pile of laundry to be moved from room to room - in other words not harshly, but with no eye contact or cuddling - and deposit her on the floor in her room and immediately shut the door. Hold it shut if you need to. Without an audience she will have no reason to bang her head. She'll probably throw a good fit in her room, but remember, absolutely no talking or reaction from you AT ALL! Just wait silently on the other side. When she has truly settled down, you can unceremoniously open the door without eye contact and go on about your business as if nothing had happened. This may take a few episodes, depending on how strong-willed she is, but hold your ground. She's trying to control and manipulate you, as do most two-year-olds. I had three kids (all teens now) two of whom were very strong-willed and this worked very well.
God bless!
S.

Hi,
I'd really like to offer another alternative, but must do so with the caveat that my daughter does not bang her head so I've never gone through this personally.

My view is that if the child is going to hurt him or herself, I have an obligation to try to stop the behavior. But here is what I would try:

I would sit on the floor next to the child, pull them onto my lap and hold on tight so they can't hurt themselves. I would not cuddle, or give them positive feedback, but just say "I can see that you aren't in control right now and I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself. When you can be in control again, then I'll let go." Then sit silently until you feel they will not bang their head.

No child at this age likes to be confined. They will want to get back in control so they will be released to move the way they want. They may even flail about harder, and it might be hard to hold on and not get angry. But this seems a kinder and more positive way to protect the child AND get your point across. I would think after a few days of this approach you might still have tantrums, but fewer injuries.

I'd love to hear if anyone has tried this and whether it works.

**Edit: I just got an email from someone who said it does work.**

Hi S.,
Our 16mo son is doing the same thing. No matter what the flooring, he will bang his head on it. I suggest doing the same thing you have done which is ignore it. They are looking for a response from you. I know how hard it is to watch them beat their head on something hard but our son has shortened his tantrums and he really does know how hard to hit his head without inflicting damage. They won't do it long when it really hurts. The problem will be if you don't ignore it, then it will worsen and it will take longer for the tantrums to calm. We did the same thing with our daughter and just had to wait it out. If you really need to, you can put her in a crib, pack and play or some safe place where she can bang her head on something soft and you can still ignore it but know she's not really going to inflict damage.

Good luck!

M.

My husband and I experienced the same thing with our son a few months before his 2 year birthday. It was heart breaking to watch. He would throw himself onto the floor and then hit his mouth on the floor. Most of the times he would bite his lip and start bleeding. I took him to his pediatrician and was told that he was entering his "Terrible Two's" and that we needed to just ignore his tantrums. It was hard to just ignore the tantrums. So when it got to the point of him hurting himself we would just hold him tight until he would calm down. He eventually stopped hurting himself during the tantrums. I wish I had taken him to another pediatrician to get a second opinion. So if you feel that the advice your pediatrcian is giving you isn't right, find another pediatrician.

OMG! I am so glad you asked this question.. I have a almost 2 yr old that does the same exact thing. He started it and now his twin brother does it too. We just ignore it. I dont know what else to do, because they obviously only do it when they are mad and not getting what they want. So we originally tried telling them "NO" but that didnt work and usually if we ignore them, they only do it twice and then stop. I don't even know what else to do!
Hopefully someone else does!

Ignore the head banging as well as the tantrum. I haven't read any research or talked to other moms who don't feel that tantrums stem from frustration and lack of ability to communicate what the child is feeling.

I know this is really hard to do!!!!!

My now three year old discovered this trick and knew it was the only real effective attention getter with everyone when she was about six months old. She did it until about two years old. She progressively got harder with it even though my only reaction to it was "NO!!!" and "Don't do that it will hurt!" type things and walk away in later times or in the beginning put her somewhere softer and turned away. Basically I tried to give her the idea that it wasn't going to get her what she wanted and that it was hurting her more than me (now as a mother I knew it was hurting my emotions far worse than her head!!!!!) As a general rule she continued banging until it hurt and then didn't do it again for some time. When her vocabulary got better the head banging stopped almost overnight.
She has remained very bright (no damage), the pediatrician had no concerns and said many do this to some degree at some point, and they have strong heads. Now that may sound really cruel but we survived and I know you will too!!!

I READ OTHER RESPONSES AFTER I PUT ON MINE UP AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT IN ADDENDUM: MY DAUGHTER WOULD PURPOSELY GO BACK TO A HARD PLACE AFTER BEING MOVED (SOMETIMES SEVERAL MOVES) TO BANG HER HEAD. SHE DID IT BECAUSE SHE KNEW IT KILLED THOSE AROUND HER THAT SHE DID IT. NEVER HARD ENOUGH TO CRACK HER SKULL OPEN OR THROWN DOWN TO KICK AND SCREAM ON THE FLOOR JUST LAY DOWN AND BANG HER HEAD REPEATEDLY. SHE IS NOW MORE VERBAL THAN AN AVERAGE FOUR OR FIVE YEAR OLD I HAVE BEEN TOLD. SHE WILL GROW OUT OF IT WHEN SHE GETS VERBAL ENOUGH TO EXPRESS HERSELF, SHE REALIZES IT IS PAINFUL, AND THAT YOU PROVIDE NO RESPONSE TO IT. GOOD LUCK YOU HAVE SEVERAL OPINIONS TO CHOOSE FROM.

Hi S. C.,
Please listen to the advice by Lauren and Almut Z. I also work in special education and would not allow a child to bang their heads against anything without intervention on my part. My job and as should all of our jobs be to keep our children safe. Keeping them safe means preventing them from hurting themselves in any way. I would try the techniques given by the names I mentioned because that is basically what I was trained to do for my job. I would have to physically restrain a child if they did not respond to me telling that they needed to stop the behavior and if they would not or could not I would intervene in order to keep them safe. Then when you de-escalate your child, have a conversation about what being "safe" means and appropriate ways to express their feelings.

Are there any rooms in your house that have carpeting? It sounds like she's testing your boundaries and trying to get attention (even negative attention can sometimes be enough for kids) by banging harder the more you ignore her. My suggestion would be to "ignore the behavior not the child" which means neutrally (meaning no verbal interaction whatsoever) move her to a carpetted area or onto her bed when she's having a tantrum to prevent head banging on hard surfaces until the tantrum is over. Once she's stopped crying/tantrumming then you can resume verbal interactions, talking through the problem that caused the tantrum in the first place - usually once they've gotten the tantrum out of their system kids can be more calm when discussing the issue. If your daughter seems to react to pain in general as any kid would typically, then chances are even if she does end up being able to bang her head on something when upset she won't bang it hard enough to do any real damage because she'll stop before it gets too painful - if you act really neutral to this unwanted behavior she won't get the desired response from you and will most likely stop using headbanging as a way to get your attention. But, be prepared she may try other attention getting acts instead, such as screaming, gagging herself, hitting - but if you stay consistent and neutral those too will soon pass. This technique I first learned when I worked with kids in a group home, and have since used on my own daughter with success.

Good luck,
M.

the ignoring bit is fine if you have first determined the reason for the tantrum. is she just manipulating you or is there something else she's trying to tell you? is she exhausted, hungry, over or under stimulated? if there is something she needs and you address that issue you may see fewer tantrums. having said that, sometimes tantrums are just tantrums. when my 2 year old tantrums at the mall when we've run one too many errands i go easy on her. she needs to go home. if she is doing it because she just isn't getting exactly what wants and is otherwise fine i dole out the tough love. it helps if you talk to them about appropriate ways to express their frustration after they are calm. we play a face game where i ask her, "is that your sad (angry, happy, etc.) face?" if a catch her before a tantrum starts. this has been surprisingly helpful most of the time. however, sometimes the tantrum comes anyway and i just wait it out. good luck!

Hi S., my son did this a little bit when he was 2-3 and we ignored it (we were fortunate to have carpet so not a very hard surface) though if he did it in the kitchen we couldn't ignore it because we didn't want him to hurt himself. I totally agree that you should ignore this behavior, but definitely put your daughter in a 'safe' place and walk away. It definitely is easier said than done, but I think after putting her in her room and acknowledging that she is upset and then walking away will help. By the way I used to bang my head when I was an infant/small child, my parents ignored it. It was a phase. Of course, it did last longer than it probably should have only because I received attention for doing it from my older brother & sister :)

I've just glanced through the other comments, but I have to say I agree with those who say do not ignore a child that is hurting herself (or himself). She could really do some serious damage to herself! I've been through a similar situation. My daughter had 2 hour long temper tantrums in which she would hurt herself. I would wrap my arms and legs around her so she wouldn't hurt herself and wait for her to finish her tantrum. I always felt her behavior was extreme but doctor after doctor told me, "tantrums are normal." Well, she is now 8 and we are finally finding out that it wasn't normal. She is a special kid with special needs. I'm not saying your daughter is too. I'm just saying don't let her hurt herself and always trust your gut. Tantrums are normal for kids but some times they can also be a symptom of something else.

Personally I have two boys, and this is just my opinion. I think a child will try to push your limits and will keep you on your toes. Same as with a tantrum. I believe she is trying to call your attention thinking that if you see that she's "getting hurt" you will give her what she wants. My boys didn't bang their heads, but they both dropped to the floor on their knees, and then straight down, barely putting their hands in the way to avoid hitting their faces. One time my little one dropped to his knees, then to his side, but he hit the bone on his hip with the highchair. This made him really mad. The next time he threw a fit, it was in the exact same place, but after dropping to his knees, he actually looked around to make sure he wasn't going to hurt himself, and dropped to the other side where there was no chair. This of course was really funny. My point is, a child can only hurt him or herself so much before realizing it's not worth it. And really, unless she has a medical condition in which her bones are so brittle they break at the slightest pressure, she won't do any damage to herself. I remember throwing a fit when I was little, and hit myself on the head. From then on, I decided that it wasn't worth losing it. So it was actually a life lesson.
Good luck!