Forgive me for being a dunce when it comes to this, but here goes:
I have a stepsister (from my adoptive father and his wife) whom I did not grow up with at all. She was born when I was 13 or so, and I'd met her very few times due to custodial arrangements and my curiousity/pursuit of my bio dad. My adoptive father and I had a separation of sorts over many years, which is not consequential to the question itself, but informational. In any case, over the last few years he and I have reconnected, but I've only seen this stepsister once, at a funeral. I spoke to my other, younger, stepsister, but neither the older one nor I much went out of our way to say anything to each other. Likely out of a lack of familiarity and awkwardness.
Fast forward to a few months ago: This stepsister is now getting married. Out of nowhere, our father called me up to ask if my son would be a ring bearer for the wedding. Unfortunately, I've already scheduled a family camping trip with my bio family on the same weekend (this was my year to organize the trip, and I'm really looking forward to it.). I was rather surprised, and honored, that our little guy requested, but felt once again like I was having to pick between my families. A sad theme in my life. So, I declined the offer. Bearing in mind, too, that I haven't had any sort of conversation with this stepsister, I was a bit puzzled. The invitations were sent out and the information regarding where they've registered is included, and I do intend to get them a wedding gift.
HERE's the real stumper for me: there is to be a "Household Shower" for her next weekend. I just received an invite last weekend, and this poses a lot of logistical problems for me. If my husband drives me down to their town, they've got to go find something to do for a few hours before the shower is over.This would be about 5 hours out of our day, and I've decided against going. Nothing personal, just life, and I don't feel like this is a time to 'get to know her better'. (I'm not much of a gregarious group person either. I'll own that.) If it's a household shower, am I getting a gift they've already registered for? I don't mind doing a 'something smaller' for this and a bigger gift for the wedding, and sending it along. Would this be okay? Frankly, I haven't had any sort of contact from the prospective bride herself and think this inclusion might be a well-meant formality on the part of my stepmom, who is a very sweet person.
What would you do? I'm thinking that I would like to find some time to get to know her when the wedding activities are all said and done. Sigh. The whole thing just feels very awkward.
Thanks everyone, for chiming in. I don't think this is a bid for more gifts, as my stepsister's aunt is hosting. I think this is in lieu of a bridal shower.
Thanks, too, for your words Dawn. You are always such a great, consistent poster. I have no bad blood with my stepsister, and it's not disinterest, please don't mistake this. It's that I am up to my eyeballs in my life right now, finishing my school year with my preschoolers (This actually requires a bunch of my off time as I am making books reflecting their school year, and still have photos to cull through and my usual teacher work.), taking care of my family and barely having time to spend with friends and people who *do* make an effort to spend time with me. I think that spending some time with her after the fact would be better.
Being painfully honest, I have some social anxiety and hearing issues, so trying to get to know her at an event where there will be lots of people I don't know just sounds appalling. I rarely attend group gatherings with people l genuinely know and like, because it's maddening-- I can't keep track of conversations as it is. I'd much rather do something smaller and not be anxious, which might be misinterpreted as something else by someone else who doesn't know me as well.
I have sent gifts to showers I couldnt attend, for cousins and the like, and then gotten a nicer present for the wedding. I dont see that as a bad thing.
Along with a gift, how about sending your stepsister a letter, telling her you are happy for her getting married and you would like to get to know her better once life is a bit more settled.
Yes, just send something small for the shower and something a little bigger for the wedding. I think you've really thought out all of your decisions and I don't feel that feelings will be hurt.
If you are not attending there is no need to get a gift for the shower, but if you would like you can send a small something. I would focus on just getting a nice gift for the couple for the wedding and leave it at that if it was me, after all you do not even know this woman. I have 2 step sisters, but like you I do not really know them, and usually just send them a Christmas card each year (which I never get in return). Sometimes even if we have relatives in common someone just is not really family.
You are not obligated to attend the shower. I think your plan would be fine. You can select a gift from the registry, or send something else if you choose, or send a gift card from the store where she is registered so that she can purchase what she needs after all the festivities are over.
If you'd like to get to know your stepsister better, you might include a personal note with the gifts, saying you wish her well and hope you all can get better acquainted in the future.
If you don't go to the shower you are not obligated to buy her anything (though if you can afford to send something, it's a nice gesture) - and since you live pretty far away, they will certainly understand if you can't come. I'm sure they just don't want it to seem like they're excluding you.
Then for the wedding, choose something nice from their registry and send it with a nice card expressing your regret that you're unable to attend the wedding, best wishes for their future happiness, etc.
I see nothing wrong with sending a smaller shower gift along with your regrets and warmest regards, then another wedding gift later on, again with your regrets and sincerest congratulations. In fact, that's *exactly* what I would do. Her bridal registry should have items that are appropriate for a shower, as well as the "fancier" things for the actual wedding. There's also nothing wrong with getting in touch with her after the wedding to let her know you'd love to get to know her better - maybe you'll end up being good friends as well as sisters...
.
I wouldn't make this a time to get to know her better, but a time to support her. Let her know that even though you can't make the wedding, you want to be there for her shower. This could be the start of a relationship for you. If there is any way you can make it, it would probably mean a lot to her.
You can always get to know her better later.
Families can be so totally awkward, can't they?
OK, so you have some great suggestions here. Personally, I fall in the "small gift for the shower, larger gift for the wedding" camp. In addition to a brief note of explanation and well wishing, though, I'd add in a request to ge to know them better -- and an invitation of your own. Suggest a date or two to host her and her new husband after the wedding for a cookout or something else very casual (a picnic, maybe?). Ask her to bring a few pictures from their day. The offer alone suggests that you're not disinterested or unhappy with her -- just that the timing of the shower and wedding weren't good.
And can I just say good for you for caring and trying -- and good for her (or your step mom or adoptive dad or whoever) for opening the door.
ugg I'm such a skeptic, I'm assuming the groom has a larger family and they are trying to pad her side of the family and get a few more gifts out of it. Obviously, i don't know her at all ( but umm nor do you?) and i def think it best not to burn bridges, but I think your plan is just fine
The question though IS???: what to send for a household shower? If they have a reg check that, otherwise is there something more of a clue in the invite, or someone like SM you could ask? I'm thinking towels, or a nice pict frame??
I'd just send her some money and a little wedding note so she knows that you are thinking about her. I wouldn't worry about getting specific gifts because that can get complicated since you're not sure who has gotten her what. Who doesn't love money? :-) I think finding time to get to know her when everything is said and done sounds like a good plan.
