Wedding Gift Question - Ann Arbor,MI

If it were my nephew that I am close to, I would say I found the registry and ask if they are using the registry.

If there is no bridal shower I would just do cash. At least $25 per invited person. If there is a bridal shower definitely shop from the registry. So few people do it-it's crazy!
And there is nothing wrong with snooping the Internet!

Doris is right. Tradition makes it poor taste to ask in any form for gifts in an invitation. I suggest you ask them directly what they need or want or give them something from the registry. The intent of not mentioning the registry was not to keep it secret.

Sounds like your nephew and bride to be have class.

You will NEVER see a registry on the wedding invitation. It's extremely poor taste do that.

It's your choice whether to choose something from the registry or give money. Just decide how much you want to give and go from there.

The registry is supposed to be word of mouth. NEVER part of the invitation. If it's a major department store, lots of people who are attending the wedding with check to see if they are registered, especially people who don't know the couple very well or those who really need help figuring it out.

Sometimes people only register for very expensive things. They don't necessarily EXPECT to get them. But it's kind of like a "wish list". For those who register for linens, china and crystal, they do it to help prevent getting too much of one thing. And to keep from having to return somethingthey get two of when they only need one.

Hope this helps.

Gift from your son, cash from you

Oh thank goodness! It is not correct etiquette to put your registry ON the invitation, rather a separate insert.
Ask! "Hey, are you registered anywhere?" And you'll probably be met with a "oh yes! Here is where we're registered." Often, the marrying couple will not announce the registry to members of the wedding party because they're already investing financially in the wedding (tux rentals, hotels, etc.)
Then either go with card/cash or a gift or a combo of both. Best of luck!

They may have a registry and just not have been pushy about it, like so many couples are unfortunately! So it's a good thing that they didn't include this information in every communication you have received, in my mind. I really despise the excessive direction about what to give! Depending on the finesse with which the wedding couple communicates that info, it often comes across as "here's the party we're giving, and here's the list of things that are the price of admission. You give us a gift, we give you a buffet."

Don't worry about what's "respectable" - it's about what you can afford, which relates to your regular circumstances but also what you are already "investing" in the time for your son, his wedding attire, any travel involved, and so on. What you spend shouldn't be an indicator of how much you love them - the time you spend and the appropriateness of the gift is a much greater indicator. So someone who spends little money but devotes a whole lot of time to doing a craft they are known for is certainly as respectable as someone who took 2 seconds to write a large check.

I usually give something other than cash unless I know they are truly strapped financially. Once the cash is spent, I don't think there's much of a connection with me or that there's any memory that I gave it to them. I want them to (hopefully) think of me whenever they use the gift item on their table or see it on their wall. But if you have something from the family that might be nice to pass on to them, that's spectacular too.

I don't know why you would ask them if they're registered - you already know the answer to that. A lot of couples assume that someone who really wants to know will ask someone else if they are registered. And if it's on the internet, you weren't snooping, you were researching!

We always do cash or a check. We appreciated the gifts we received at our own wedding, but looking back we realize that we didn't have a clue what we really wanted or needed, and the cash and checks really, really helped us put our home together.

Nothing at all wrong with discovering their registry or with asking! Any gift you give them will be appreciated!

Also, do not worry about what to do with a card with cash or a check in it. I have yet to be at a wedding reception that didn't have a basket or a bird house or something similar set on the gift table for guests to place their cards in. Many, many people opt not to purchase a gift and give money instead.

You could give an engraved silver or silver plate Christmas Frame Ornament
from your son. and then something from the registry you found or a check.

Couples today usually are older and have lived on their own for a while, so the traditional "Home Basics" are usually covered and instead they have pretty specific needs or wants.

I agree with TF. Something really nice like a piece of Waterford would be very special to them. It is not something we usually purchase for ourselves. I have noticed that Tuesday Mornings sometimes have Waterford items at a discount!

Your nephew and his wife-to-be are correct in not mentioning the registry on their invitation. There should never be a mention of gifts, or any expectation of gifts, at any social event. It is contingent upon the guests to ask, should they wish to buy an item off the registry, where the couple is registered. You are also free to buy them something that isn't on their registry, if you know their tastes and needs well enough to do so. Since they are registered somewhere, I would buy them something off of the registry. The amount of the gift depends upon your finances, really. Whatever you can comfortably afford would be appropriate.

I agree with cash from you, small gift from son--from the registry or a small piece of crystal, silver, etc.

My go to for weddings is Waterford crystal. Depending on your budget, you can get a nice case, frame, glassware, bowl, etc.

I love our Waterford crystal.

I personally always give cash at a wedding, give what you can afford along wtih a nice card/personal note.

I would not do a half and a half type gift. I was raised in a Jewish family, and cash is the typical gift for weddings, not household items. If you do plan to buy from the registry and you know that the couple hasn't publicized this registry and nothing has been purchased, first I'd make sure that it is theirs (is there another Erica Smith registered at Pottery Barn?) and I would ask first if the couple still considers this an active registry

Just get them stuff off the registry. They may not be crystal people (i'm not), they may not be picture people (i'm not, and while i appreciated my personalized silver frame, it isn't something I'd actually want).

Cash is usually enough to cover per plate cost, or at least 50 per person. We usually give 75 per person. For a special niece or nephew? I'd probably give 300-500.

I don't think it's too polite to include where they are registered on the invitation so maybe that's why they didn't include it. I don't think it's snoopy to look around for a registry…most brides register the usual places.

I would get them something from the registry. I wouldn't ask them about it, if it's obviously them then this is what they want. If you don't want to do that then I would just send cash. If you can afford $100, I'd do that. If not, do between $50-100.

There are other gift options out there, but to be honest, I would just get them what they registered for. I know some of the other gifts are nice and could be keepsakes, but everyone has their own tastes and desires, so get them what they have asked for on their registry. Cash is okay too because that's useful, and i know it's the thought that counts, and that's true, but if you're going to spend your hard earned money make sure it's appreciated! :) That's just my two cents!

Congrats on the wedding of your nephew. I would just pick up a gift card of $50.00 from their registry store and write them a check for the rest of what I would give them. They will be surprised and still be able to get just what they want for their wedding/home/life together with your generous monetary blessing.

Great answer below from Doris Day about why it wasn't mentioned with the wedding invitation.

Just an FYI, if you get them something off the registry, please include a gift receipt!

When my husband & I married, we received a number of duplicate gifts because the stores failed to mark them as "purchased". Without a gift receipt, we were only given the current value of the items for exchange, and some of those had already moved to clearance (end of season).

Whatever you give them make it a gift from the heart! T. =-)

They may have made the registry and no one bought anything. So they just stopped mentioning it.

I'd say give them money. Do you know the person who's organizing the reception? Find out if they're going to have a money tree or something. That way you'll know if you can hang an envelope on something or perhaps just hand them the envelope. If he has to put it in his pocket and carry it around all day it's hard to do a large card. He's probably prefer to have a smaller cash size envelope he can put in his wallet.

If there's a tree with clips on it then you can use any card you like.

I bring a gift to the shower. If there is not a shower or I do not attend I give more as a wedding gift. I only ever write a check for the wedding gift. The last two wedding we attended we gave $250.

I think it depends on the type of wedding reception they're having. Here in NY many weddings are huge deals - full cocktail hour, tons of food, sit down dinner with dancing and open bar througout. The typical NY wedding is $125-$150 per person attending! when my nieces were married (with our children in one of their weddings) we gave $400 to each - and it didn't cover the cost. Now my feeling is if the bridy & groom are insane and want to go overboard that's not my fault. But in this part of the country $100 per person attending is really the minimum gift. (Which is why we often RSVP with regrets for anyone other than close family / friends.)

Now I understand that once you get out of the metropolitan areas of NY, Boston, Philly, Wash DC, Atlanta, DFW that wedding are more normal. But your gift to him should be different if it's a cake & coffee reception, or a cocktail reception with appetizers or a full sit-down dinner with meal, dancing and open bar. My husband and I hardly even drink so it's really a huge cost for us.

My suggestion is to forget the registry and give them a special something and cash. Two things I got more than 30 years ago that I still use every day and think of the givers when I use them: a beautiful brass mantle clock (I leave the house in the mornnig by that clock) and a teak cutting board. I wasn't impressed with either gift at the time - but 30 years later I still think of Maria and Nancy who gave those gifts to us.