What Would You Have Done? - Algonquin,IL

I LOVE giving gifts so I would probably have sent something completely frivolous.. With a crazy card warning her about the crazy family she is about to marry into..

But you are under no such obligation..

I bet you are planning on giving her a special Wedding gift, so that will be perfect..

Was it a bridal or wedding shower? If it was a bridal shower, I'd mail her a gift card to Fredricks of Hollywood or Victoria's secret so that she can get some lingerie, but if it was a wedding shower for wedding gifts, I'd just wait until the wedding and give them what you planned on giving them.

I would think that the wedding gift should be plenty. No need to send up an engagement gift as well.

First, I'd assume that they sent the invitation so that you'd feel included and did not expect that you would attend. I've known of many showers for which invitations were sent to out of town relatives only for the purpose of letting them know what was happening.

I would not send a gift nor would I give an extra gift at the wedding. I would expect that their goal was not gifts but inclusion.

I think the etiquette answer is that one gift for a wedding is perfectly acceptable. I definitely had people who gave me a gift at my shower and did not bring a gift to the wedding. I usually do this as well with people I am not super close to. If I don't attend the shower to give the gift, I give it at the wedding. Of course, it is always great to give more if you want to or have the means but it is in no way the expectation. If it were me I would just take my gift to the wedding and not worry about the shower. The invite was probably just sent to you as a courtesy bc even though everyone realized you would not attend, you were still thought of.

Since she's family (or going to be), I'd probably send something small from her registry, yet personal, like the toasting flutes or a picture frame she's chosen. That way she knows you're thinking of her, but you don't have to spend a huge amount on the gift.

I wouldn't send a gift for the shower since you and your husband are attending the wedding and can give them a gift at that time. I don't think you need to give them an extra something for a wedding gift since you didn't attend the shower. Also, I think you should have gotten the invitation sooner than 2 weeks in advance considering the distance. Hopefully they didn't send the invite in hopes of you sending a gift. I think you handled it perfectly.

I would have sent something but, it isn't required. I had a similar situation with my SIL's bridal shower and knew that since my MIL would be there...there might be an "issue" if I didn't send something.

It is your call. You can't go wrong :)

I would send her a SMALL gift off of her registry. You will be spending plenty of money in travel expenses plus a wedding gift. But if you don't send at least a little something they will talk about it behind your back forever! Sad but most likely true!

You did get an invitation to the shower and you were invited. This is family and you will be tied to them for the rest of your life. If the tables were turned, what would you want? Then, that is what you should do. If I were in your position, I would have been happy to have received the invitation, picked something thoughtful (perhaps something off the registry or something more personal) and send it. It does not need to be expensive, but something that lets your future SIL feel welcome to the family.
C.

When you're not sure you always ask yourself, if that was me, how would I feel? Yes, you don't have to but a little something is a nice gesture to say, we are thinking of you on your special day!

I probably would send a gift card to wherever she is registered.

I won't send her a gift for a shower.One thing is if you are really close or that you knew her for a really long time,then you might consider to do so.But you don't!Second thing is that you are going to the wedding with a gift I assume so what is the point of this double gift thing when you are not even going to be there.She won't mind knowing that you live far away and you met her only a couple of times.I think that she have other things occupying her time and mind at this point.Just send a nice card or just to make your self feel bettre ,maybe a flower and that should be enough.

I would have sent a gift for the shower and then another gift closer to the wedding date.

just bring the original wedding gift, no need to do something extra for the shower

wedding gifts have gone out with bell bottoms and leather fringe jackets. Most people give a card with money for the wedding these days. I got married 6 years ago, and I can count on one hand the amount of gifts we got at the actual wedding.
We registered, and thats what people bought for the shower, and then gave cards at the wedding.
Consider sending her a nice card, tell her you wish you could have been there, and check her registry for parts of something people didn't get. (Complete a dish set, towel set,etc.)

Considering how much travel will be involved in you attending the actual wedding, I would consider a shower gift (or even given a higher amount for the wedding card becaue you didn't do a shower gift) kind of silly. You will have so many added expenses just to be at the wedding that if they are even sitting around expecting a shower gift is just rude.

I would have shipped a gift.

I would have sent a gift for the shower. But I also like the idea of taking a small gift to the wedding, in addition to your wedding gift, saying that you're sorry you couldn't attend the shower.

I would have said sorry, I will not be attending and leave it at that. Then you give your gift later. Maybe they sent it as an afterthought, too since it arrived so late and thought you might be hurt if you weren't invited. No harm done it looks like so enjoy the wedding!

I would have sent a gift. But its not too late. Bring along an extra gift wrapped in shower paper. Tell her you couldn't make the shower but wanted to get her something. Of if you don't want to do that then order something and have it shipped to her. Or skip it altogether. I wouldn't do that though if she is marrying your hubby's brother she will be part of the family and will have hurt feelings.

I think what you did was absolutely fine and what is expected. You are going to the wedding and will give a gift then.

The bridal shower is traditionally for the BRIDE's friends (adding to her dowry and all that). In that case, you shouldn't have been invited since you are on her future husbands side. In a less traditional way, you still aren't expected to send a gift since you'll be attending the ceremony. One gift for the whole shebang oughta do it. :)

HTH
T.

I would send a gift particularly since she will be 'family' soon. It doesn't need to be extraordinary but something fun or just a couple wine glasses, etc.

I figure it's easier to start off on a happy note with a future in-law than having her wonder why 'his brother's family' did not send a gift when invited.

AE

When it comes to gift giving you do what your heart (and pocketbook) feels. I think the art of gifting has taken many turns. I believe some time ago it was considerate to make a gift. Then we went to a purchased gift, probably when woman started working and no longer had free time to make a gift. Then we went to the most lavish gift and now with this economy, I believe it is okay to do what you can.

For my daughters party, I have gotten in the habit of responding to the, "What does she want" with a polite, she is fine and really we would just like you to be there. Sometimes they bring a gift and sometimes they don't. If I notice someone is uncomfortable they have shown up without a gift, I brush it off and invite them in to the party.

For family, yes, I would have sent a gift, unless there is going to be a "family" shower.

Unless you are attending another shower for her, I would send a gift. She will be your sister-in-law, so it's not like you'll never see this person. Even though it gets expensive, I think it's pretty typical to have to buy a shower and wedding gift for family members and close friends. If the shower is over, I'd do like others have suggested and send a nice card saying you wish you could have been there along with a small gift from the registry or a giftcard.

Our families do not live in IL so we are often faced with this situation. Most of the time we are not able to attend the showers but I always send a gift.

Personally, I would have sent a gift. She will be your sister in law so it's not like you aren't going to see her future at family get togethers. Just look on their registry and look for something; it doesn't have to be anything pricey.

I think it would depend on how close your husband is to his brother - if they are very close, then yes I would send a gift even if it was just something small - a beautiful monogrammed handkerchief. If they are not close, then no, I would not send a gift. What kind of relationship are you expecting to have with this person? If it is a just a Christmas card in the mail each year, then I wouldn't worry about it. If it is getting together a few times a year, then yeah, I would send a gift.

As for the invitation arriving 2 weeks prior, I don't think you were an after thought. I have sent out shower invites to arrive 2-3 weeks before the party so people have enough time to make arrangements to attend, but not so much time that they forget about it. (I am sure it was planned and discussed much earlier.) Since you live about 1/2 way across the country, your invitation took longer to arrive than the local friends and relatives.

I have attended showers for all my sisters-in-laws. I also sent my sisters-in-laws baby shower gifts although I was not present for al the showers - not only did I want to send the gifts for both occasions, I would never have heard the end of it if I didn't. ;-)

Just my thoughts,

2 years ago my husbands brother and sister got married a month apart. They live in PA which is a 4 hour drive for us. I was in the wedding party for the sister but not the brother. So, with all the extra wedding trips that we were taking into PA (and gas was way above $3 a gallon that summer) I simply told the brothers fiance that I would not be able to attend her shower b/c of all the trips we had already made into PA and the cost was just getting out of control. Every weekend we went in it was $500 out of our pocket (b/c of gas, time off from work, boarding our dog, etc.) We never did give her a shower gift but we did spend the same amount of $ for a wedding gift that we did for the other sister. So, we made sure it was even and fair, but we did not send a gift just for the shower.

Good luck.

I would have waited until the wedding. Then I might bring them one to the wedding , a combined gift or just a gift and a check. No biggie.

A wedding gift is enough. You don't know your future sister-in-law that well so I am sure she wasn't expecting anything. Enjoy the wedding and when the time comes get a nice baby shower gift.

I'm a family person and I love giving gifts so this one's easy. It's your husband's brother - I definitely would have sent a gift. Do it via the registry if it is online and ship it directly to them, or send a gift card. Target has pretty wedding-themed gift cards and they are out in CA too. :0)

Don't feel like you need to send anything for the shower (seems like they didn't think you would attend or that it was an afterthought).
Take a decent gift from the registry to their wedding.
Enjoy the wedding, be nice, be gracious and see where the relationship goes afterwards.
You don't need to be a doormat but you can be a decent person and see where things go after the wedding.
don't worry...it will all pan out. ! :)

I would send a gift. If they registered online, I would've bought something that way. It gets wrapped and sent straight to them - all you do is choose and pay and tell them what you want the card to say. When you can't attend - sending a gift is the next best thing you can do.

If your husband's brother lived here you would attend the shower and give a gift plus give a gift at the wedding? It is your husband's brother. If it were your brother wouldn't you do both? If they are registered at a store for their shower, you could easily purchase something off of their registry or send them a gc for that store, and let them pick out something that they have not received yet. Many times there is free shipping offered on wedding/baby registries.

If you give extra at the wedding, will they really know that it is extra? I mean wedding gifts at a wedding have such a huge range now a days. Will they know that you are giving them extra or will they think that is what you give to everyone for wedding? If it were my brother I wouldn't want him to think that I am cheezing out just because he lives so far away. Your brother in law should be treated as if he is your own brother (he is your husbands brother) Think about what you would do for your own brother or sister and I think you will have your answer. Good luck!

When I get a shower invite and can't go, if it is someone who has attended/sent a gift for my wedding or baby shower, then I send them a gift. If it's someone I'm not in touch with, then I don't. Since this is family I'd send a gift and write in the card that you're so sorry you weren't able to make the shower (so they know it's a shower gift and not a wedding gift).

Always send a gift when an invitation is received. And this goes for anything...kids birthdays, weddings, showers, retirement parties etc.

I think they had to invite you just to be polite, but it would be rude to send an invite just to get a second gift, especially after you're already spending money to attend the wedding. I would just go to the wedding and give them the gift you originally intended.

No. I would not send a gift.

I know you don't know her very well but she will be your sister in law.
I would get her a gift card to Victoria's Secret or some place like that ( something for her ). Send it with a beautiful card.
Then I would get them a card with cash in it for their wedding when you and your husband go.

If it was me I would go completely out of my way to please them because they are family.

= )