My New Mother in Law

Wow, really? And people wonder why their MIL's don't like them. My mom buys my step daughter just as much as she does my bio kids. And my MIL lives out of state and when she sends gifts, she includes my kids also along with her bio granddaughter. I think you need to so some serious appologizing. Good luck.

Maybe she was just being polite, but if she didn't want to buy for them she wouldn't have asked.

I personally would have just responded with very vague responses of something she could get inexpensively like ....oh so and so loves to draw and color and so & so loves barbies.

This is a very sticky grin and bear it kind of situation.
On the one hand it is inappropriate to rattle off a gift list because you don't know how much she wants to spend and it is probably not too much, but on the other hand it is impolite to stand in the way of gift giving.
I'd tell her you didn't want her to think she needed to buy them anything, but if she insists tell her something vague, such as: the girls are really into disney princesses or they love dress up clothes, or they are reading the such and such series of books. That way she can set her own budget.

That is a perfect response if you never want to have a good relationship with your mother in law.

You should have given her something. She is trying to incorporate your kids into their lives. I read on here all the time about how some MILs don't include children from a previous marriage. It was a little rude.

Why did you respond like that? There are women with MILs that completely ignore kids form their previous marriages--she s=tries to be nice and BLAMMO! You tell her "nothing"? IS there "nothing" they need? Don't kids, at the very least need shoes , jackets, socks and underwear?
Not sure how old your girls are but I do think you owe her an apology. Give her a few ideas. Throw her a bone, would you?

Yes, you were wrong. She is welcoming your kids, something many would not do. Go to her and apologize. Then give her a list of things to choose from for each girl.

I would not have said no. It was very nice of her to think of your daughters.

You may have hurt her feelings. You may also have let her know that you don't want your families to be close. She is your new MIL and you two are trying to find your relationship.

I hope you can fix this, if you are willing to. I wonder if this will color your relationship overall.

I would go back to her and say... I was wrong. When I asked my girls they said actually they would like XYZ. Im sorry. We had gotten or planned to get what they had already given us so I was out of suggestions... I hope you don't think I was being rude, I was just at a loss at the moment.

I think its great that she wants to include them!! Trust me its hard when you have one set that doesn't acknowledge them at all but gets "their" grandchildren only gifts!!

Dont start off on a bad foot ( even though you didn't meant to!!!) it could chisel out the rest of your relationship for years to come.

They are her new grandbabies. She is thier new gramma. What would you say if your own mom asked? I think she wants to begin building a relationship with them. I would call her back and tell her that her generosity caught you off guard and you blurted out nothing because you were at a loss for words. Then tell her thier sizes and what Disney character they like and thank her for being so kind to the kids.

She's just trying to break the ice with you and your daughters. She's trying to make them feel included - as a part of her family too. What's wrong with that? I'd appreciate the offer if I were in your shoes. Blended families are sometimes hard, and it looks like she's trying to make your children feel welcome. You don't have to tell her some extravagant, expensive item. Maybe just a gift card to your local movie theater? That would satisfy any child, of any age. It doesn't have to be a personal gift. Don't start your new marriage off on the wrong foot with your MIL - once you go there, it is very hard or impossible to go back. I Trust me! I think your husband had every right to be shocked by your response. It's basically like you shut the door on his mother's genuine effort to be nice. What's the harm?

Oh my I think that was a bit rude of you if you literally said "nothing." If I were her, I would take that as a rejection. FWIW, I have a blended family and my in-laws would never think to NOT buy gifts for my biological child nor would my family ever exclude my husband's daughter.

It's not about obligation, it's about blending into a family. I think you need to somehow take back your response and let her know what your children would like so that she can get to know them and their tastes. Gift giving (and receiving) are some of the joys of the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Don't be stingy with who your children should develop those relationships with.

I really think you need to apologize and let her know that you were caught off-guard, you don't want to make her feel obligated to get your daugthers anything but if she wants to, here are some ideas. If your husband doesn't have children of his own, she may have been looking forward to giving to your girls. Just be apologetic and try to laugh it off as one of the many landmines you'll all step in as you become family.

Um. Did you really just say "Nothing." Like, "F-You, nothing."? Or did you say, "Oh, you're so sweet, thank you so much, but honestly, I don't even know what to say, they don't need anything...." or...with a big warm smile, "Wow, I dont' even know, they have so much, I dont' know what they need" in an open, sweet tone, and then she said, to your warm, humble nature..."Oh I know, but what type of things do they like?", And then you said.....oh wait, you say you just said, "Nothing."

Hmmm. Not the warmest response ever to someone reaching out to your kids who are now in her family...But if you really meant it in a "nice" way, you better get on the horn and finesse it a bit, like, "Hey, I didn't mean to sound harsh when you asked about the girls' presents, that was so nice, I was just caught off guard because I really don't know what they need..." Or something. No need to start off your new family life on a hostile foot!

Ouch! Unless she is the Evil Queen, allow her the chance to add grand children to her life. Its is not that she was being polite, or trying to buy their affections, she is doing what grandmothers do. I am not sure your previous experience with MIL's or if this one is an Evil Queen, but give her a chance, and ask her to go shopping with you to "make up" for the knife in the back. Sorry to sound over dramatic but that was just rude.

My mom loves my sisters husbands daughter like her own grandchild. I think it was pretty inconsiderate of you to brush off her kindness. Let her buy your kid a present, after all, she IS her gma now :-)

Yep, that was pretty rude and yes, in my opinion, you were very wrong in your response and kudos for your husband for not telling you so directly.

If I was your MIL I would be VERY offended and honestly I think you probably need to apologize to her.

Your MIL is trying so why shut her down like that? Give her a couple ideas and let her know that the thought is very much appreciated but really not necessary and let her decide on her own.

Yes, you were wrong. She is probably trying to establish a relationship with them. Do they know you told her they don't want anything? If she doesn't get them anything (which I doubt) you need to be sure to let them know that it wasn't that she wasn't thinking of them or that she didn't want to buy them something, but that you told her they didn't want anything. I doubt they'll be very happy with you either. Would you have done that if she were their bio grandmother? I doubt it. Don't draw lines in the sand that you really don't want. I would be very offended and even hurt if one of my stepchildren told me not to buy anything for my step-grandchild. To me, they are all mine; we don't recognize the "step" in our family!

I would apologize.

Like everyone else mentioned, even if you weren't trying to be, you were rude.

I'm assuming you do want your children to be part of this new family because for better or worse you marry the mother in law, father in law, and sister in law when you say "I do" ;)

I would call back/go in person if local and apologize. Say it caught you off gaurd, you are touched that your daughters are being included, and they reallly don't need anything. If she would like to have something for them they wear ___ size and are really into _____.

Good luck, holidays are always full of unexpected stressors. :)

She probably just wants them to feel included and accepted, maybe suggest something small.

I think it is wonderful that your new husband's family wants to include your children in the Holiday. I would talk to her face to face and let her know that if she wants to buy gifts for your children you would be grateful. Explain where you were coming from and ask her for forgiveness. Just let her know that you did not mean offense but that you are not used to that sort of generosity. Remember that not everyone is selfish and dysfunctional. Merry Christmas!

I think you dropped the ball on this one a bit. Your new mom-in-law wants to welcome your girls into the family, a very gracious gesture. You want to integrate them into their new family situation too, and this would be a small step towards that. I would tell her you spoke without thinking, and mention some small things the girls might want. Help them pick out a gift for her as well.

Eeks, yes, you were wrong and you need to make amends pronto -- unless you desire a strained relationship with your new MIL. I think I'd go out of my way to correct this situation right away. Good luck! And congrats on your new marriage!

The fact that you responded with "nothing" and are writing here hoping she wasn't offended lends me to believe that you perhaps answered in less than a kind way.
I could be wrong.....

I think she was reaching out to include your kids and there is a difference between saying, "It's so hard to say...they really already have everything they need" as opposed to saying "nothing".

What it could have seemed like is that YOU were saying YOU wanted nothing from her for your kids. That could be taken as pretty hurtful.
Your kids may not NEED anything, but you could still let her know that they like games or things for arts and crafts. Give her some ideas.....

I have a huge blended family and we never step this or step that when it comes to the kids. All the kids are loved and accepted by everybody. Whether the grown ups like each other all the time is another story, but especially at the holidays, the kids belong to everyone.
It works out pretty nicely that way.

You may not have intended it, but I can see how your mother in law could be hurt by your answer.

Just saying....

If she is your MIL, she is now their grandmother. I would have been shocked too. Would you tell your mother or their father's mother "nothing"? or would you be offended if they didn't get them something for Christmas?

Give your MIL some ideas.

As a grandmother, I feel that your new m-i-l is trying to establish a connection with the girls--don't know their ages. Tell her something small that you KNOW the girls would like--books, etc., based on ages. She obviously WANTS to buy them something. Many people love buying presents for kids, especially at Christmas. Don't deny her the opportunity to do that.

Wow...you may have just screwed yourself out of a decent opinion your mother in law had of you.Why would you answer like that...takes all kinds!

Your MIL was trying to tell you that she considers your daughters her family now too. That they're just as important as any other grandchild. You essentially blew her off. That was extremely rude. You owe her an apology without qualifying it with, "I'm so sorry but..." Just keep it to "I'm so sorry I offended you. Thank you for thinking about my children. I wasn't being very appreciative of your generosity. Can we start over?"

Wow, you were extremely selfish. Here your kids have an opportunity to have another loving grandparent and you just shut her down. Maybe she is actually excited or maybe making the first move to bring you and your kids into "their" family.

You need to rethink!
Good luck,
DH

Of course she wants to buy them something too. She is accepting them into the family and you should be happy about it.

I think just saying "nothing" is a bit inappropriate in this case.

MIL seems like a new member to a family and she is looking for help and guidance on what your daughters' tastes and likes are. By saying "nothing" you are not helping her learn about your daughters.

I think that thanking her for her intentions followed by a lively chat about your girls likes and passions would have been more appropriate. You would have given her information she needs to make an appropriate gift selections.

My kids need "nothing" as well but I update all interested parties on their interests and preferences - and we get many nice gifts that kids adore and remember.

Hope you can have another conversation with MIL and help her a bit to fit into the new family.

WOW that was RUDE INSENSITIVE AND UNKIND!!!!!!!!

When you married you hubby you also married his family.

I have 4 children, 3 bio grandchildren and one grandchild of my heart. My youngest son and his girlfriend were off and on for a while. One of the times when they were off she started seeing another guy. He got her drunk (she was 18) she passed out and woke up and he was having sex with her --ya he raped her. She got pregnant. DNA proved it was the slime ball's child. She and my son got back together while she was pregnant and my son was there for labor and delivery and every day since. This is his child, he is supporting him, loving him, feeding, changing ect ect ect. This little guy will be 1 on Sunday they live next to me and I get to see him almost daily. I couldn't love him or his Mom any more than I already do. They are also my kids.

Open up to your MIL she want to be allowed to love you and her new grandchildren. Stop being so selfish.

Let her be a part of there lives. We have step kids in our family and they are like family to us. Its always ok to allow someone to purchace a gift for your child no matter what ties they have or dont have. (unless its a creepy neighbor that should not have contact with kids - come on ppl use good judgement here ).

You might go back with saying " oh the kids thought of some things they would like". Keep it light hearted when you open with the oppsy apology. No big deal at all. It was a good intentioned no thanks but you realize now she would like to get something.

I think people are being pretty harsh with you. If you indeed said "nothing" and it came across as curt - then maybe you can follow up and just finesse the situation a little as other have suggested.

I don't think you deserve all the responses essentially calling you a rude biotch - that, in my opinion, is rude in itself.

Good luck.

Yes, accept her offer. She's their grandmother now, and its a great gesture that she is making the effort to take them in as her own. Do not set a dangerous precedent by cutting her out of their lives. It may cause problems in your relationship with her as well as with your daughters further down the line.

Start building strong family ties now. A receptive mother-in-law is a hard thing to find in 1st time marriages, let alone a second one. Be happy that so far she's interested in your girls and welcoming to you and your family.

As for your husband. He may feel hurt by this. I'm certain it was touching to him that his mom opened her arms to you and your children. For him, at the very least you can reciprocate by allowing her to do this for your children.

Oh, I am in here on the tail end of this. Anyway, I am a new mother in law, just one year ago my son was married and I SO WANT her to like me and she wasn't married before or any children or anything. I just want her to feel welcome and loved. On the other hand I want to avoid bothering her and my son so I won't be intrusive and yet I want to be connected as much as possible. IT IS SO HARD. So tell her you thought about it, appreciate her request and let her know you all care and want her to be part of your holiday. Please. Pretty please for me. It would help me be optimistic.

Wow wrong response. Sorry. You should be thrilled that she would like
to do something for your daughters. So I am with your husband on this
one.

Sounds like you already have it figured out but I just wanted to say, I do think you should apologize but I'm sure she will understand. Tell her why this was your immediate response. It will be an opportunity for her to get to know you better. One she feels like she knows you, she will be able to better understand where you are coming from. I'm glad you have people in your daughter's life now who think of them and I'm sorry the exes family hasn't been so wonderful.

I don't think that was rude at all!!!! If they will be present at a family Christmas with the in laws and the rest of your husbands family the kids may feel left out if there are other Grandkids that are getting presents and they don't but honestly the Mom's that said you were rude are being rude themselves. I am sure she doesn't feel like she needs to buy them something she probably just wants to and wants them to feel welcome.

If all you said was the word "Nothing" and said nothing else then I would think that was rude. People chat about every little thing these days and it seems to me that an explanation of the Nothing would have made it a lot more understandable. Had you said "Nothing, she has so much stuff we can't even get her floor visable" or "Nothing, she has so many blessings already and we think she has enough toys". That would have been less rude but still to the point.

But be aware, people will not "Not" give your child a gift just because you say so.

Not sure why everyone is being mean. BUT, I do agree that you should have told her something. Sounds like she is really trying to take them in as family, and count yourself as lucky for that.

I don't see eye to eye with my MIL, but if she asked what my kids wanted, I'd give her an answer. She is grandma and loves my kids.

Talk to her and let her know how you felt but that you appreciate her taking them in and give her a few ideas of what they like.

If you just said nothing without any type of explanation, then, yes, it was rude. But, if you explained that she didn't need to get them anything then, no, it was not rude.
I would suggest maybe a $10 iTunes card or something that shows she remembers them at Christmas, and allows her to not go overboard.

Its great that she is welcoming them into the family. That doesn't always happen.

After reading your "So what Happened" I would explain to her that you are not used to being asked that question, since your daughters have not been lucky enough to have that grandparents that care. Also let her know how touched you are for her including them into the family. Give her a couple of suggestions of things your kids REALLY want, that you yourself are not willing to buy for them (you know, those crazy, trendy toys that all kids like and the fad only lasts a couple months) and that will help begin their bond.

Good luck