Mother in Law After Baby

I have an absolutely amazing mother in law! Pre kids and 3 kids later. Not a single issue at all with her other than I wish she lived closer to us like she once did. I miss having her living close to us. So do the kids as well as my husband.
Not everyone's mother in law is terrible. Sorry.

Where is your husband in this? It's his mother. Make sure he is on the same page as you, and he needs to draw the boundary that you've agreed on.

You're the Mama - you set the boundaries - you are in charge and don't apologize for it.
They either abide by them or you cut off access.
They were all daughters in law at some point.
When it comes to your own kids - you run the show and you have the last word.
Bummer if she bad mouths you - she's crossing a boundary - so yank her chain if she continues to do it.

i'm not sure why you're lumping all MILs into one boat. no, it's not 'normal' for an MIL to scheme, talk bad and complain about her DIL. any more than it's 'normal' for someone to have a baby and then get all pissy because her MIL wants some time with her grandchild.
there's no way to tell from the very biased information you've provided what's going on. sounds like an unpleasant family from soup to nuts.
khairete
S.

Depends on the person. My MIL is a doll. Never overbearing, ever. Appreciates the visits with her grands but doesn't tell me how to raise them. Similarly my mom didn't get crazy when DD was born. DH has no issue with her.

You need to have boundaries. If your DH won't stand up to her, then you will need to, but I think you also need to talk to your husband about it. I just read a Carolyn Hax column where the MIL decided to stay - even when she was told she was an unwelcome weekend guest. Some women just need to hear "no" and "no" some more. Don't give her an "in". Hold firm. Don't explain or debate. Don't care what she says. If someone talked nasty about me, then that would be all the more reason not to let her around my child. IMO the voice that is missing here is your DH. Where is he in all this? Does he not stand up to his family? And were they nice in the first place? I have relatives I cannot relate to. I haven't seen one in several years. And I"m much happier for the distance. My daughter doesn't need anything from them. And they were never truly "nice".

This happened a bit in the beginning, for me. I just realized I needed to set boundaries early on, and my husband respected and supported that (thank goodness!)
And even though my MIL may have been initially offended she got over it.
YOU are the adult here, the mom and wife, it's YOUR home, so YOU decide what's acceptable and reasonable and stand by it.

Well ... sorry to say, I can relate. Unfortunately.

I think it really all depends on what kind of relationship your husband had with his mom before hand.

My MIL wasn't happy to begin with. I think she had unrealistic expectations of what being a grandmother would mean. She had been pressuring me to have children since she first met me.

So naturally, she was let down when we had kids and it wasn't all that she thought it would be. We had our own way of doing things, our own ideas, and for some people, they can't accept that.

So - my husband and I had counselling and learned how to set boundaries.

I can't say it's been my ideal situation - it's a struggle. So I leave it to my husband. They don't have a very good relationship - his mother is still unhappy in her own life and being, so it's never going to be that great - unless she helps herself. We've just accepted that.

Main thing is, don't focus on her and your resentment. Work with your husband to find a solution. And have him step up.

Good luck :)

It is normal for all loving family members(including new mommy and daddy) to shift a little after a baby is born. Everyone is finding their new groove and where and how they fit in once the little bundle of joy arrives.(and sleepless nights, and shift in hormones, and .....)

Your husband, your baby, your house. You all set up the limits for what you will accept or not accept. I do not like a constant stream of family members coming through my house throughout the week. I have stuff to do at home, errands to run, kids activities....and sometimes even a nap to take. And my baby is now 8 years old!! Mommas like to have some control over the peacefulness in our homes. And constant traffic of friends and loved ones can be nice at times...and a total disruption at other times.

Have your husband talk more to his mom about the schedule of things. Let him stand up to her to protect his woman and his baby's time, schedule and sanity.

The "constantly scheming" statement has an underlying tone of animosity. If I can feel it through the screen...then your mil can feel it! Sure she is gonna unload her frustrations to her husband and their daughter.

I would have a sit down chat with my mil and tell her how much I love and appreciate her wanting to come and love all over my children. But, I would also say I need to know when you want to come by and x day or x day would be best but please let me know ahead of time.

Good luck!! Family dynamics can be a rough road...but if people are reasonable and not talking amid heated feelings then things can usually be resolved.

I have no advice,no suggestions, well really nothing to offer but am thanking you for writing this so if my sons have children someday I keep myself in check. I remember having my brand new babies and really (but thought maybe it was just me) all I wanted to do was pour out my madly in love with my baby feeling on them and really didn't want anyone else around. And sleep of course...which in my case wasn't always a lot.

I don't think you generalize about in-laws any more than you can about mothers. I think it's individual.

Is is possible that she doesn't feel she's as important your own mother? Did she start out trying to be helpful to you, and then it turned into more about her?

What do you mean that she is scheming and turning people against you? Is she badmouthing you because you don't have her over every day, just 3 or 4 days a week? How do you know? Are they saying this to you, or is she telling you she talked to them?

If people really turn against you because you don't have her over more, they aren't your allies OR she's telling stuff that isn't true. I think this is a job and mission of your husband - this is his mother, and presumably his side of the family. Make him your agent, your defender, your ambassador. If they have all change their opinion of you because of her, then they were not on your side to begin with.

I didn't see any prior posts from you so I don't have any context for your comments or any past history, so I can't be more specific. But if this is your first child, it's a learning curve for everyone.

But please please do not paint all mothers-in-law with the same brush. It's hardly a rule of society that this would happen.

The choice of the phrase "constantly scheming again" sounds to me as if you and she have some negative history from before the time the new baby came along. You say that "everything was good" before the baby but was it? Please sit down and think: Did she really get this bad, in your eyes, only after the baby came? Or was she critical of you before that, just in other ways or more indirectly? Because truly, these things seldom come totally out of the blue. If she's demanding now, it's because she was a demanding person before the baby. Maybe she's showing it more, or differently. Maybe you, too, are different toward her; is it possible that (maybe with good intentions you couldn't keep) you built up her expectations about spending time with the baby and then withdrew some of that time, and now she's upset?

I really don't get posts where a daughter in law posts about her MIL but there is zero mention of how the son/husband feels about this; what he has said or done about it; and how he is, or is not, backing up his wife, or being mama's boy for his mother. Where is your husband in all this? I believe it's the adult child's role to deal with his or her parent. When MIL "talks bad" about you, what does he say to her? Does he have your back and will he tell his mom to stop talking about you, and to contact him rather than you?

Or is it possible that this is all looking to him like part of larger, older drama that's gone on since before the baby, so he's going to check out and not participate?

There seems to be a lot of detail that's lying behind this, and some dramatic statements.

My MIL has no life outside of my kids. (My SIL isn't much better.) My MIL has done crazy things!

She would come to just hang out at our house when the kids were babies. Never offered to help with anything. I used to take the baby into the bedroom to nurse and "fall asleep" with the baby just so I could escape her in my own home.

She showed up at the portrait studio to watch us get 6 month photos taken of our daughter.

When my husband is going to pick the kids up from school he first has to leave work on the SW side of town, drive to my MIL's house on the NW side of town to get her, then drive to school on the NE side of town. Most times after they get the kids they drive her back home and then come home so she only sees them in the car for about 15 minutes.

If my husband takes the kids to school they first stop to pick up my MIL. I'm always afraid I'm going to get a call about the lady stalking my kids on the playground because she just hangs out on the edge of the playground to watch them play.

When we left for a vacation last month she showed up at our house at 6:30 am so she could tell the kids goodbye.

I have "forgotten" to mention things that the kids are doing so that we don't have to involve her. She has accused me of keeping the kids away from her. (Not so much keeping the kids away from her, but giving myself breathing room!) She has berated my husband because we haven't included her in things. She has bad mouthed me many times. She and my SIL speak another language and when my husband is out of the room I swear they are talking about me. She has made a point of telling others that she doesn't get to babysit for us very often, yet at least twice she refused to or backed out of babysitting for us because my husband asked her to do it instead of me asking. It drives me crazy! She can be very passive aggressive.

I wish I could say it has gotten better, but it really hasn't. She rarely comes to our house if I'm home. She waits until I'm gone and then comes to hang out. She leaves almost the minute I walk back into the house. I have been able to set some boundaries, but I've also had to learn to keep my mouth shut and just put up with things sometimes. My husband gets a lot of dirty looks from me!

Stand up for yourself, but also know that sometimes you have to compromise to keep the peace. Decide on what are non-negotiables for you and what are things that you can give in a little. For example, everyone has to be gone by bedtime. Saturday's (for the most part) are just for the four of us. One of our vacations each year is just for the four of us. When my parents come to visit, they are the priority because they live 1000 miles away. I have to make a lot of compromises that I'm not always happy with, but it keeps the peace. Good luck!

I don't have any advice. I just blocked my MIL and both SIL's because they turned even more psycho then I thought they were. Hope you get some good advice but don't EVER feel obligated to do something you don't want to, even if it has to do with family. Good luck!

When talking about my inlaws I always try to remind myself to look at them and think of their actions and react to them the same way I would my own parents, because they are his parents and he loves them just as much as I love mine. That said, it is okay to set boundaries that apply to both sides of the family and to stick to them, and then just keep yourself out of the rest of the drama. IF her actions are causing real problems (people turning on you from her talk) then have your husband talk to her about respecting his wife. But just remember when dealing with her that your husband loves her the same way you love your own mother and keep that relationship in mind, you don't want to make your husband feel trapped between the two of you.

Wait, what? "Since then shes been constantly scheming again, " That sounds like she's just plain crazy, not something new that happened after a grandchild was born.

No, not all become overbearing. It isn't "normal." Although, depending upon how the new parents manage things it *can* be how inlaws behave. I never found that to be the case. Most manipulation was more subtle, and I saw it for what it was from the beginning (even before kids) and never let it progress. My husband backed me every step. So there was never an opportunity for inlaws to feel the ability to take over anything.

My own parents (so I guess, inlaws from my husband's perspective) were never over bearing at all. Genuinely helpful from the start, but not interfering. Plus, they live too far away to be involved day-to-day.

But honestly, without going back to see if you have other posts here about your relationship with your inlaws, and solely from what you have posted here, it sounds like there is more crazy in the family than you want to admit, and it likely didn't start with the birth of grandkids.

My first MIL did something very similar.

My ex and I split not long after my oldest was born (MIL's issues didn't cause it but she sure didn't help matters either).

I wish I had known, as a young mom, that it's OK to set reasonable boundaries. She doesn't have to like the boundaries or agree with them. Looking back I wish I had done that and just kept a smile plastered on my face when ex-MIL was doing her schtick.

Good luck.

My MIL stated to me that she hoped we were done when we told her we were pregnant with number 3. We were, but that wasn't her call to make and it was extremely rude to say. He was a planned C-section because my middle child was an emergency C-section and they are only 23 months apart, so we knew his birth date for about 2 months.

She wanted to come be there for the birth. I told her no. I felt bad at first, but I explained to my husband why I didn't want her there. She did not support co-sleeping, feeding on demand, constant cuddling, etc. I did all of those with all of my kids - and they are very well-rounded, happy children now. She came when he was 3 months old and things were more settled and actually thanked me.

With my own mom, I feel more free to tell her to stop bothering me and let me raise my own kids (though I've only had to do it a couple of times), but my MIL raised her children so differently and I didn't want to cause more problems by having her there.

You need to be able to tell her no and not feel bad. You have to do what is necessary for your family and hopefully your husband will back you up.

So I think your situation can be normal, unfortunately, but it's probably not the standard and can't be generalized.

Most new mommies would absolutely appreciate a helpful hand the first few months after the birth a new baby. So, was your MIL every helpful when she visited? Or do you mean she expected to be waited on while you were learning to be a new mom?

There seems to be a lot of missing history here, in that people don't typically change, ever, as much as we desire them to. I bet there were some other signs of you potentially not getting along well together, and the new baby/grand baby escalated your differences.

A lot of new mommies become very over protective of their new babies and view MIL help as a threat, which shows a lack of maturity and probably some childhood fears coming to a front. My own beloved sister, who is a wonderful mom, who has the world's most amazing MIL, whom I would I would love to have in my own life, detests much of the help her MIL offers...and it is beyond sad the control my sister has over her kids and how she keeps her MIL at bay over her own unconscious desire to dominate everything her kids do.

My own MIL is not involved at all in her only grand children's lives :( and has never shown much interest in helping. She'll serve a fruit snack or meal if we were over at her house, but that's about it. Otherwise we took care of her all the time.

So every MIL is soooo different and I suggest that your overall thinking is a bit Black & White, meaning that you lump everyone together into one category when they display a certain distasteful behavior. And you have to learn now, or soon, that MIL's are not the same.

I also wonder how your husband feels about this. If he thinks his Mom is doing OK, I suggest the first step is for the two of you to find a way to set boundaries that both of you will enforce. He needs to be the one to tell his mother what you've both agreed upon. If you can't reach agreement it's time for counseling. You must express your feelings about this situation. He must see your feelings as being his priority over his mom's feelings. Be willing to involve his mother with boundaries. I suggest it's best to not put him in the middle between you and his mom. His Mom is likely to feel and express the idea that her feelings are the most important. Her feelings are important. Find a way to consider her feelings while making and enforcing boundaries.

This will be a project in the making. Finding a way to make boundaries and enforcing them will take time. Keep in mind that his mom and her feelings are important. I suggest that you might need an impartial third person with people skills to help. Finding a balance is difficult.

I can kind of relate but that's it. My son's grandmother is not my DIL she is a different woman. When I first met her and my grandson, she was rather cool in reception. I left it at that. We would not be best buds that's okay. I did what I could to help them with diapers, formula, blankets and such as they live in Colorado and temps are different than New Mexico.

Hubby and I spent time with them in their home a few times and it was okay. We did what we could to make things pleasant and tidy at times to help out. She was offended that I and hubby would "clean" up her home. Well it did need it. Son said that that was how we were. I did not do it again as he explained that it was something that she would prefer to do. She would know when I would be coming as it was and is a six hour drive so I didn't show up much. She wanted to keep him with her family more and not share and I respected that. It hurt but that was her wish. To this day, I am not as close to him as I would have liked and he is graduating high school this month. I love him to death and he hates when I have to leave to come home. I told him once while I told him he was so special to me and he cried but that is between the two of us.

So somewhere in the past prior to the pregnancy your MIL was off and you didn't pay much attention to it. After the pregnancy and the baby your hormones are kicking in strongly. I can't see spending that much time at a home with a new baby just because it is my grand baby.

You two need to sit down with hubby and iron out the issues as they will not get any better. If she is that off, then you know to keep to yourself and have her visit twice a month.

Good luck to you. You are the child's mother. She is the grandmother and on the outside of the nuclear family.

the other S.

PS If my DIL does get pregnant (they have been trying for several years) I will be happy for them. But I also won't be there 24/7 under foot. As they are all in Colorado and I still live in New Mexico. That's another story all together.

I'm not going to analyze or correct your wording, you did just fine. It definitely is common for MILs to become (or seem) overbearing, even though you're probably the first to agree it sure isn't normal!!

I think it comes down to expectations. She was probably so excited about the baby and figured she would be around as much as possible. You probably assumed she would not take over your life. So when these didn't match up, you were both caught off guard.

Where is hubby? He needs to be supporting you in this. He should tell his mother that you guys are so lucky that she is grandma, and her time with the baby is special. But that you are trying to establish your lives and routines as parents and need some space to do this. YOU decide what you are comfortable with time wise, and spell it out. "We would love to see you for Sunday dinners" or whatever you will allow.

If hubby can't/won't talk to you, you will need to. Same as above. Let her know you love seeing her with the baby, you want her to spend time, but you need x, y, z. If she gets upset, you can say that you don't mean to upset her, but you hope she understands that you need time to become a family and you need her understanding there.

Hold firm or things will get worse. My MIL lives out of state, but was overbearing with our daughter. Mostly with advice- telling us what to do with her and why this or that was not what she would do, etc. She knew it didn't work with me, so she told my husband things constantly so he could "help" me. We finally laid down the law. She quickly figured out that I was the gatekeeper of the baby. And the more she was just grandma and not Dr. Spock, the more time she got to spend. Things are fine now.

Good luck!