Ideas on Being Best Mother-In-Law

One of the best things that I have tried hard to do with my son-in-law and daughter is to stay out of their business. If they make a decession I let them make it, if they ask me I will tell them what I think. I may talk about some of them with friends but not around my kids.

I am not a mother-in-law but I am married.

I love that my MIL treats me like one of her own. I never feel like I do not belong. If she gets her kids a present and we are all together, she includes me in the gift giving.

She calls me on my bday, sends me a card and gets me a present. My parents do the same so it makes me feel right at home.

Another great thing, she never gives me her opinion if it is not asked for unlike my mom.

My advice is for later, when they have kids. My daughter really appreciates that I let her be the mom when they are around me. I don't sneak my grandaughter sweets, I don't shower her with gifts, and I support my daughter when she is disciplining her.

What I wish I got from my Mother-in-law that I don't is for her to be a friend to me. She is just mean at times and that makes me NOT want to be around her. Just be kind. The best thing I like about my MIL is that she doesn't interfere, ever.

The only advice I can give you is to not go into your relationship with her with any preconceived notions about what it's going to be like. I say that because I've known since before we were married that I was not the daughter in law that my MIL had dreamed of. We get along and she is always nice to me, but she wanted the DIL that would call her up to meet for lunch or go shopping with her or just call her to talk spur of the moment. That's just not me! I don't go out to lunch or shopping with girlfriends (I HATE shopping and it's a passion for my MIL.) I hate talking on the phone. If a need something or have a question I'll call someone but to just talk for hours on the phone has never been me. I say this because she has always taken it personally that I don't call her or ask her to lunch or shopping when my husband and I both have told her that I don't do those things with anyone. We have been married for over 10 years now and she still thinks I don't like her because I never call her (of course my husband calls her but she thinks I should too). And yes I have tried to just do it to make her happy but our conversations are so uncomfortable because I'm trying to play a part that is just not me that it's hard.

Anyway, just get to know her, take it slow and you'll be a terrific MIL!

Oh, and if your son happens to be the type that just worships everything you do...your food is the best, you always did this a certain way for him, etc. ask him to tone it down! My husband drives me crazy with everything being "My mom always bought X brand, or my mom made the best soup when I was sick, etc.". It's ok for him to feel that way, but it doesn't need to let his wife know that everything she does is second best to how his mom did it.

Good luck,
K.

How lucky your son is. It sounds like you've already got the best advice you can ever have...your experience with your own mother-in-law has already taught you how to treat them both. Your blessed

Just the fact that you are concerned about it shows me you're going to be a great MIL. My advice is to treat your DIL like she is the daughter that your family is gaining... not the enemy that is taking your son away. I think that is where so many mothers of sons mess up!

B.,

Relax. The fact that you've even taken the time to ask tells how wonderful a mother-in-law you already are before hand!

God bless,
D.

The best thing about my MIL is that she is the best GRANDMOTHER in the world to my dd.
That is what I appreciate most about her over the past 9 years.

I don't think that day is here yet for you but hopefully it will be soon. My dd is almost 10 and her favorite place to go is Grandma's house. Not b/c she is spoiled with material things, but just lots of attention and love.

Take time and you will understand what the couple needs/wants as far as the amount of time you will spend together, how holidays are handled with her family (will they be splitting holidays?).

Let them plan the wedding the way they want to. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people b/c everyone wants it done their way.

It may drive you crazy to see your son and wife make mistakes but just give advice when solicited. It's hard to stand back and not tell people what you think they should do.

Sounds like you had a great role model in your MIL. Just follow her lead :)

Think back to your own MIL. What made her so special? The main thing is to remember that your son chose the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He had no choice about you. God made that choice and your son was stuck with what he got, but this time he got to make a choice and you should respect that choice. Look for all her good qualities and don't dwell on what you don't like about her. Don't try to tell her how to keep house, cook, treat your son or their children. If she asks for a recipe, no matter how special it is to you, give it to her and don't leave anything out. Try to find out her interests so you can get her gifts that she will enjoy. If she has family, try to get to know (and like) them. If she comes into the marriage with a preconceived negative MIL opinion, try to make a friend of her then remind her that you are both important to your son and each hold a special place the the other cannot. She can never be his mother and you can never be his lover, his help-mate, the mother of his children. He chose her for that role. Be appreciative of every gift, and if you know that she is the one who did the shopping, let her know that and that you appreciate it. If they invite you to dinner and she prepares some weird, off the wall new recipe, eat it without hisitation or comment as to how it might be improved. Just love her because your son does.

The best advice I can give is to know what your place is...you will always be your son's mother, but remember that when he takes a wife she is the top priority in his life. Since you have a great MIL model yourself after her. Good Luck and Congratulations on the upcoming wedding.

Remember how your our MIL welcomed you into the family and do the same for your future daughter in law.

Respect the fact that she is a new bride, setting up a new home and starting a new family. Offer to help, but don't tell her how to do it unless she asks for help. Let her help you if she offers but let her be a part of the proces - not treated like the hired help. Listen to her and her opinions - don't talk AT her and remember that her opinions may not always agree with yours.

When they have children, remember she is the mommy. You raised your kids and they probably turned out ok - remember you didn't know what you were doing with your first one either. If she asks for help or advice - give it to her as a friend would - not as a judgmental MIL. As long as she's doing the best she can, loves her kids and they are not in harms way - she's probably doing ok.

Include her as a family member and not an outsider. She's part of the family regardless of how she got there.

Trust me when I say these things - I am the DIL with the horrid MIL.

Best wishes to your son and future daughter in law.....you sound like you will be a wonderful MIL.

What I love about both my mother and mother in law is that they respect our marriage. We do go to them for advice and support but they don't overstep their bounds, they see us as a separate family unit and they are there for us without having a personal stake in the choices we make for our lives. Also, they both pray for us and they both make no negative comments about the other spouse to us. Honestly my only complaint about my MIL is that I don't get to see her more because she is still raising a couple teenage girls! Also, they are both absolutely crazy about my son and dote on him so that is a big plus. I also love that my MIL is very non-judgmental. She never comments if the house is messy and she never tells me how to raise my son. We did clash a little in the beginning because my husband and I got married pretty fast and we just didn't know each other well, but turns out we are just alike;) Anyway, the fact you want to have a great relationship makes me think you most definitely will! Congratulations!

One of the best things my mother-in-law shared with me early in the marriage was that she always regretted not having a daughter (she had 2 boys) until I married her son. Now she has the daughter she wanted.

I've never felt judged. (yes, even my messy house) and she has always wanted to play games with my children and sit and read with them.

The best advice I can give is to not be in their business or be too critical. My MIL is very critical of my DH and I do not appreciate that! She compliments ME anytime she can, though.

How well do you know your future DIL? Maybe take her to lunch once a month or so and build a good friendship.

Good Luck!

Treat her as an equal, with the same respect and loving care that you do your closest friends, and even if you don't always agree, you'll trust each other.

My husband died in 2002 and his mother is still my go-to person when I need to talk or need help. I love her without reservation.

I commend you for your desire to be the best MIL! I would suggest asking your DIL for her opinion or advice on something, give her family favorite recipes (my MIL said I don't get a particular recipe until she dies!), don't offer advice unless it is asked for (that's atough one), don't always "take your son's side"- it's actually best to take neither side. It sounds like you have a geat example to follow. Think of conversations with your MIL that left you thinking what a great MIL she was. Then have a similar one with your new DIL.
Personally, I'm struggling to have a relationship with my new DIL who has had a difficult childhood and finds it difficult to trust and be close to anyone. The strained relationship with her own mother is carrying over into our relationship. I figure we have many years to let our relationship grow. I just can't expect it to be the same as with my other DIL who is as close as my own daughter.

Be kind, supportive, respectful, loving and treat them both like you want to be treated. Remember to call and ask if you can come visit and don't just barge over and let yourself in. Ring the door bell and let them open the door to THEIR home for you.

If they ask you over for a meal, bring a dish and offer to help clean up. Only give advice if they ask for it, otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.

I have a close relationship with all 3 of my kids and they each call several times a day. I have good relationships with my DIL and SIL, too because they know they are ALL welcome in our home anytime. Just be nice and hopefully, everything will work out.

my mil says the nicest things about me to my own parents, i know this makes them happy & it is a sweet gesture...she is also a great cook and comes through with holiday feasts, saves us lots of trouble since we have busier lives-again thoughtful gesture

B.-
Bless you for trying be a good MIL. I would say always call before you come over. Ask your DIL, your son will not tell you if it is a good time for a visit, but your DIL will. Do not plan anything for your son on his b-day without consulting his wife first, it is now her responsiblity.

Mel G

Wow - you are on the right track. The only thing I can think of to add is to let them decide how they want to do holidays. My parents and in-laws both are happy to have another Thanksgiving on Saturday or Sunday, celebrate Christmas the week after, etc. If they are out-of-state and can't visit both sets of parents for Christmas, then offer to visit them before or after Christmas. It will be greatly appreciated that they don't have to feel guilty because you always have had holidays a certain way.

Congratulations!

the difference between my mom and my mother in law is huge. they are both at the opposite ends of the spectrum, one who won't leave us alone and one who is so out of the way it causes problems. i best way i can sum everything up is this - let your children live their own lives and wait to be invited into it - especially when there are grandchildren involved. however, that being said, you are the mom and eventually grandma. there are times where it is okay and appropriate to say, i would really like to see you or the kids. is there a time that we can do this? but ask only once and wait until they ask you. then when they ask, accept the invitation and don't do the whole "are you sure? no, you need your own time" thing. if they are asking, take it at face value and be grateful for the invitation.

good luck and congrats!

First of all, just asking for help or ideas to be the best mil is great! I would say model your mil if you had a good example. My mil is awesome too! She is patient, kind and does not intrude! She always asks before she does something and is always willing to help. She is not nosey and waits for us to tell her things! Sounds like you too will be a great mil!

Just follow the lessons you learned from your MIL. Go to lunch with your DIL and discuss what role she wants you to play. But ultimate advice: give them space and time and offer advice only when asked.

Coming from a DIL....only one word of advice: Love her and treat her like you do your son. Make her part of your family. That's really the best kind of MIL out there!

Wow! Congratulations upon entering a wonderful phase of your life. My own experience being a mother-in-law to my son-in-law has been great. He's definitely like a son to me and the best husband I could have imagined for my daughter. They have been married 10 years and have two precious children ages 6 and 4. (They are the delight of my life, to say the least!)

Anyway, I digress. My experience with mothers-in-law is limited to my own and my relationship with my own mother-in-law. At first I did not understand her or my father-in-law AT ALL. It was like we were from two different universes! As the years went by, I grew to appreciate her for her warmth and unconditional love, although she was a bit "off the beam" at times--something which I later understood.

At the end of her life, her husband had passed away, and she had come to live with us in Houston. I fondly called our home "the nut house" during that period. (I have an autistic son, and my MIL was suffering from dementia.) On her lucid days, however, I grew to love her with an intensity that surprised even me after all these years. The day before she died, I sat with her and related to her all the things that I loved and admired about her. I was even moved to write and deliver the euology at her funeral. This wonderful, wacky woman had slowly but surely worked her way into my heart, and I am so grateful that she did.

What I am trying to convey to you is that your role as a MIL is one that will grow and change over the years. You won't probably be "in love" with your new DIL all at once, and there will be times when you don't understand each other at all. But don't give up. The bond that you form with her will be one of the sweetest, most worthwhile endeavors you will attempt.

God's richest blessings to you all.

Hello Mrs. B.

I have to say that I am not a MIL but want to let you know how admirable it is that this is so important to you...it says a lot about you as well as the son that you have raised...just your mere interest lets me know that you will do great....good luck!

Well, my parents are not good inlaws and my actual inlaws aren't perfect, but they've been quite a blessing lately. My husband had surgery and is starting chemo. They moved to an RV park down here and got me a storage unit to pack things away and get the house in order. My FIL has been driving us to dr apts and my MIL takes notes at the drs and types them up so we don't forget anything. They have also paid over $1,000 towards medical care and supplements. They also offered to babysit!

Make yourself available. Don't turn your son or DIL away when they are seeking advice (even if they are saying negative things about the other person that you don't particularly want to hear.) But don't get too involved, either. Usually when they complain they are wanting someone to validate their feelings but need an objective opinion as well.

Don't criticize your DIL in regards to her meals, the way she cleans (or doesn't clean) the house, ect. It is not your job to make the perfect wife for your son.

When you have grandkids, recognize the boundaries your son and DIL set but offer to help with the children so they can get a chore done or have a date. They may cringe at the thought of asking you to babysit (even if they REALLY DESPERATELY NEED YOU) if you complain about it, and won't need to ask you if you offer.

I may come back and add things later. :)

I must say I am a very lucky Lady. I have one of the best MIL's a gal could ask for. She never comes over wothout calling. She often has us over on a weekend for dinner and we try new recipes or old favorites. We cook together which I love. We have a glass of wine on the patio and talk. I know if I ever need a friend I can always talk to her. So I would say. Find out your common interests with your new DIL and make time to do the things you both love together:)

Working Mom of two beautiful girls and a wonderful husband of 10 years this October. Sugar Land TX

aren't u a wonderful MIL to even ask! i appreciated my MIL telling me i could call her mom or by her first name. calling her mom was uncomfortable for me b/c she wasn't my mom and i didn't want to be forced to. try to listen more, and ask, "would u like some input on that" instead of being a know it all. u'll be awesome!

Just follow your own MIL's lead. Think of all the negative things that you might hear about MILs in general & just do the opposite, sounds like you're already on your way to being a great MIL. You're already a nice person & you love your DIL to be so why would think you'd be a bad MIL? Your son is marrying a great girl, yes? Then just be there for them, be supportive, help out if needed. My in-laws are so great. They call every weekend to ck on everyone, offer to help if needed (if they're able to help) w/o even asking them for help so just be like that, loving, supportive, helpful. Love them & they'll continue to love & respect you. Just be yourself. Offer to do things w/DIL if you can. Don't have to all the time but just help her to feel included & accepted into the familiy, seems like she's already there so why would you think that'd change or be different just because they get married? Good luck!

I have a pretty great MIL! She actually moved in with us a year ago. She is still independent, has her own car and does her own thing. She has always offered advice but she has never been pushy. She and my dear FIL (who passed away almost two years ago) were always wonderfully supportive. One thing my husband has noticed in our home that is different from when she is with her daughters (she visits her other children regularly) is that she steps back and lets me be the 'woman of the house.' She will offer to help me and do anything I ask of her, but she will never just 'take over,' which is something she is prone to do when she is with her daughters. This is one reason it works for her to live with us rather than her daughters. So, my advice is to 'be there' for them, but don't ever try to take over and do things for them, even if you feel they are messing up and it would be in their best interest if you took over. Offer advice but don't say, 'This is what you need to do.' I enjoy it when my MIL tells stories from her past that relate to the here and now. Try not to get upset or offended if they don't take your advice--remember that they have to live their own lives! I think you are already a great MIL just for asking the question. Your daughter-in-law is very fortunate! Best wishes and congratulations on the upcoming wedding. :-)

When you call the house - DON'T immediately ask for your son when she answers the phone. My MIL did that to me and she never made me feel like I was worthy enough to speak to. My Mom ALWAYS talks to my hubby when she calls - always has questions and small talk to make him feel like he's "one" of us!! Include her - but never make her feel like she's "sneaking" around on him. Don't pit them against each other or say anything negative to the other about the other. Just love her like you would if she were actually your own daughter. I have no doubt you'll be a great Mom to both!!! :)

I would love it if my MIL didn't judge, but rather realized that I make decisions based on what I believe to be best for my family. I would just love that. I think if you are able to do that, even if her choices are different, you'll have a great relationship. Lucky her! :)

You are on the right track already by planning ahead. I'm the mom of 4 boys and have two great DILs. The best advice I can give you is to not give advice..unless solicited!!!
Let your DIL be the main woman in your son's life. That is the natural progression of things. If your DIL needs something, do the best you can to help. Be available.
Be open to the fact that she may not do things (housekeeping, organizing, child rearing) the way you do, but that doesn't mean one way is better than the other.
Best wishes in this exciting new chapter in your life!!
God Bless!

Hi B.!

I already love you!
Life would be so much easy for a lot of women if their MIL had at least the intention of being good!

I can tell you that I did appreciate A LOT when my MIL respected without any kind of "face" a time that she wanted to give my son a candy and I said no (a mayor plus, she asked first)... or the time that she gave my son money to put in his piggybank even though I know she does not have a lot o money to spare.

Those times are related to my son but I can tell you that in general we all like someone that respect us, respect the way we handle our house and is not pointing out our faults (we already know them and most of the time we are our worst judges, no need for more).

I have a friend that her mother in law is constantly nagging and complaning about her with her husband, needless to say my friend hates her and stays away from her MIL as much as she can.

If you always have a kind word and bite yourself before saying anything negative you will be extremely loved and successful at keeping your family close.

Do not try too hard, be natural and positive, get close to your DIL and offer your help only when you truly want to
help and not because you think you are suppossed to
Do not take personal if you are not asked for help/opinion or your help is not accepted, 95% of the time will not be anything related to you.

Open and keep open a line of honest healthy communication.

But you know what, I really think you will do great and will have the most beautiful relationship with the couple and the kids to come, setting the intention to be loving and caring says a lot of you already!

Congratulations and tons of love, joy and blessings for you!
M.

Oh, God bless you! You will be GREAT! I already like you! :-)
First and formost....be yourself you already seem like a caring person. 2. Done expect dil to be anything but HER self either and just respect that. And I am sure things will work out.

First don't criticize -even if you know you could do what ever better. Next don't ask so when are you going to make me a grandmother. Make her feel welcome. We have a tradition in our family that the newest member of the family (by marriage) gets a photo album of their husband/wife's childhood photos.

And finally since you had such an awesome mother in law--do everything she did and you should be fine.

I have been married to my hubby for 34yrs and have the best Mother-in-law in the world. She has never made me feel unwelcome or unappreciated. She has included me in everything that has to do with the family. No matter what. Also when our daughter was born my sister-in-law had a necklace made for her mother and also included my daughter in on it for mothers day. Just included her and if you have daughters of your own make sure they also are included so no one feels left out. I always send her birthday cards, mother's day cards, Christmas cards, things like that. And don't always think your son is the next best thing to God. You know what I mean, and I didn't want to make you feel bad but some mother's do and of course my own mom did that she thought no one was good enough for her boys. Anyways don't know if this helps or not but good luck with your new family member. C.

I love my MIL. She treated me like a friend. When my husband and I got engaged my parents were living out of state. My MIL wanted to go shopping with me for the wedding and she listened to my ideas. She didn't have any girls and my other SIL was terrible to her. She was very kind, never said a nasty word to me about anything even when I complained about her son!! I also had a good role model with my mom. She loved her MIL as well. So, I never saw a bad in law relationship. I respect the fact that you asked and that tells me that you are already there!! Good luck!

You sound like you are on your way to being great. I love the advice you have already received.

When you give advice, make sure they understand, this is "just a suggestion." and mean it.

If you make a promise keep it.

Apologize and make it easy for your children to apologize to you too.

Also admit that you make mistakes and you were not a perfect mother, wife or daughter. Laugh at your self.
I am sending you all happiness.

Hi B.,

As someone with a mother-in-law, the best advice that I can offer is to allow your son's wife to be the main woman in his life. To know when you're needed as a mother and/or grandmother and as a friend. Let your son know that you will always love him and hope that he found a woman that will love and honor him the way that you do. And please, only offer advice when they ask for it... sometimes it can come off as meddling. Just be genuinely yourself. You can always tell when someone is trying to hard to be liked.

My own MIL is always trying to do what I do. The same year we moved in together, she moved in with someone. We married, she married someone. I was almost afraid that when we had our daughter, that she was going to say that she was pregnant too. Though that wasn't the case, I have to say, the thought crossed my mind. :)

Good luck and congrats!

just be nice to her. be her friend. its the worst when the mil and dil dont get along! so incredibly sad. i find for the most part when things are ill between the two its mostly because the mil still thinks she is incharge and the dil is trying to become incharge. its kinda like a toug of war over the son and the married life. be as happy for them as you possibly can. dont give your two cents even if they ask you try to let them work it out between themselves and say i remember those times. it will get better. take her out window shopping, lunch. dont go clean there house..for some reason it sends off the signal that there house is dirty and not clean enough for you. this went both ways for my mom and his parents. if she seems displeased with you let her be but give her no reason to be. make it where she cant help but to be your friend. i have always had good luck with the boyfriends mom or mil figure, untill my recent marriage. it was not my choice and very silly, she passed away and never gave me a chance. thank you for wanting to be your dil friend. i hope you have a wonderful relationship with your son and his wife.

I didn't read all the responses so forgive me if I am repeating anything.

I've always appreciated my mother in law allowing me to be the parent and wife that I am and not criticizing me for not doing things her way. She gives advice but does not push it and she's always been there for us.

More recently we are having some issues with her, but for years and years it's been great and I've always bragged about how lucky I am to have such a great mother in law.

I hope you daughter in law deserves your kindness and is appreciative of you and respective of your relationship with your son too! I'm sure you will be a great mother in law!

I think the hardest thing any of us have to do in life is to allow the people we love to make mistakes, but we have to bite our tongue and let them make their own decisions and then be there if it falls apart! So just be there!

I also had a wonderful mother-in-law. My advice is to offer your opinion when you are asked for it and to basically let them make their own decisions and their own mistakes. BTW the mother-in-law of our choir director refers to him as her son-in-love. I just think it sounds so much better and move loving