I Am the "Mother-in-law" to Be - Message to My Sons Future Wife.

Please do not assume it is her fault at all. Your son as you said is a grown man. Call him directly, tell him you have his birthday gift. Tell him you would like to see him to give it to him.
I do not know how long they have been together but this is his and her time to be in crazy love. When people first fall in love, get engaged no one else matters. Remember that feeling!!! I do, I only had eye's for him and never called anyone. Let time pass, he will come around. Call him when you please, tell him you love him. Let him know your still around.
Relax and they both will come around. Patients is the key to a wonderful mother inlaw. You will need to swallow your mother pride and set aside negative feelings. It's all a natural process. Big Hugs!

What makes you think that the fiance is the gate-keeper? Is he directing you to coordinate plans through his fiance, or how is that happening? My husband is notoriously difficult to make plans with because he is just incredibly busy. I end up stepping up to try to press him to commit to a plan, and then end up being the one to confirm plans, or to let the host know if we are still figuring out schedules. I suppose it might seem to some (especially to his family) that I am micromanaging his schedule, but really I am just trying to be helpful.

ETA I think you screwed the pooch with that excessively long complaint email. If you really insist that all that angst HAD to be shared, the only right way to do it would have been in person. You just became 'that' MIL.
okay, copied this from the first place it was posted and am re-posting it here in the 3rd, which seems to be the one that's taking off.

this is not starting off well.
you say you adore her, but it sounds to me as if you resent her.
and you may well have good reason. i'd be taken aback if i had to go through a fiance to get to my son- but why do you? he doesn't have a cell phone?
you are WAY projecting if you're already creating problems with future grandkids. don't dwell on that sort of thing. you're stressing over issues that may never materialize UNLESS you focus on them so intently that you bring them into being.
in one breath you say you're not in competition with her, yet you're angry with your son for not making you the winner.
you won't 'win' this. you need to redefine what 'winning' feels like. be gracious. take the high road. of course you can drop off his gift, it may simply be that they're having a nutso week. if it's REALLY important for him to have that gift in the week of his birthday, mail it, or drop it off on their porch. if you want to be there when he opens it, you have to accede to their schedule. and yes, she does get a say in that.
she may well be difficult, and she may even be blocking you. but you won't get around her by being resentful at her, or your son for not taking your part. his primary focus is now his mate.
wouldn't hurt to make friends with her mom.
khairete
S.

Your son's fiancee may be a bit of a control freak, but she's not your problem. Neither is her mother. Your son is. You're right when you say "I'm not in competition with my future DIL. He's my adult son."

He has stepped away from you and, according to you, is allowing her to run his life. Or, he's using her as an excuse to not hold up his end of the relationship with you. Who is blowing you off exactly? Does he SAY he has to ask her when a good time is for you to drop over? Or are you assuming this? Are you calling or texting him directly, saying "Hi, I'd love to see you for your birthday?" and then he says nothing?

Are you inviting them both over for dinner or Sunday brunch? Or are you just trying to see him alone? Both are okay, but if you appear to be excluding HER, he may be resentful. What happens when you invite them both and then spend the time finding out about them, their wedding plans, etc.? If they perceive you to be intrusive or judgmental of their plans, that's a problem, of course, but maybe you have to do the inviting rather than wait for them. Is it possible they think that you have so little time because you work so many hours, or that there's only one time that's convenient for you that isn't convenient for them?

Your time to raise your son is really done, so your relationship is forged. If you are upset by his treatment of you and you are sure that you have not played a role in it, then you need to be very specific and tell him that you miss him and would like to see him, and that it hurts you when you can't work out a time. See how he answers it.

Don't work so far ahead that you have yourself so agitated about her relationship with her own mother, your inexperience with girls, or grandchildren who aren't even here yet! You haven't even gotten to the wedding!

And be sure that your excitement for him and his love is not showing signs of being rejected as a mother and a grandmother. You went through this yourself, you say, so it's very possible that you are reading too much into small things. It's also possible that you are so worried about it that you are projecting a sort of "martyr" attitude, and he's avoiding it. Maybe having you drop off a birthday gift seems to him to be an imposition on your busy schedule, or maybe he feels that you work so many hours because you need the money and therefore shouldn't spend on his gift or the gas to go over there.

Have you had an honest discussion with him about how you felt treated by your own mother-in-law? Have you said honestly that you are concerned about going down the same path with his fiancee, and you want to get his input on how to avoid it or repair what's already been done? That means really listening to him, not giving him a long list of problems (potential or otherwise) that you are worked up about (I'm never going to see my grandchildren, I've been disregarded by your future wife, etc.). Find out if there's a reason he's been avoiding you - and really listen. Don't justify, explain, deny or excuse. Have they become upset about something you said or assumed about the wedding? Do they think you are trying to be too involved? Is your desire not to interfere being interpreted as a lack of interest? Do they see you as too needy? I'm not saying it's all of these, or any of these - I'm saying you won't know until you have a frank discussion rather than let your imagination go wild with a long list of what you're NOT going to have with him.

Good luck.

PS Your question posted 3 times, so if you do any clarification via a "so what happened?", not everyone's going to see it. FYI.

Oh yes, I have been there.

I'm still working through it, myself, but remember that people always ultimately do what they want to do. Therefore, if your son isn't seeing you, it's because he's not making it a priority -- it's not because of his fiance.

Yes, the DIL's mother does have the "home court advantage," and it will probably always be that way. So accept it now.

In the two or three years since my son met and married his wife, I have seen little of him, and have gone through everything you are going through. The best advice I can offer is not to make a stink about everything you are feeling. You kind of just have to stuff it.

At this point, I am figuring that I will see my son a lot more once they have kids, and at that point he will start to regain an interest in his birth family.

Right now, he is using his wings and moving on for a while. And that's the way I'm looking at it.

It hurts sometimes, but you really have to remain calm and loving. Do not make the mistake of showing them that you are angry or hurt by this. Make friends with the wife.

Good luck.

I love Daisey's answer. Reread it.

Don't worry about this. And definitely don't assume that you will not see your future grandchildren!

Let your son be wrapped up in love with his fiancé, at this exciting time in his life. And just remind him any chance you get that you love him too!

Do not create or imagine problems that do not exist. (Future grand kids).

Call your son directly to make plans. Were you inviting yourself over to his place to give him his present? If so, perhaps try inviting him to your house or meeting at a restaurant.

Your son-to-be DIL is not without fault here, but your son is the real cause. He has not shown respect for you to his intended. There is NOTHING you can do if your son doesn't want to include you in his life right now. The best thing is for you to tell him privately, when you have the chance, that you will always be his mother, and you will always love him. Tell him that you hope he will make time for you, not just for him, but for them as a couple.

If you DON'T say it this way, when he tells his intended what you said, and he WILL, she will feel slighted. You have to co-op her to want to see you.

Once a month, if you are in the same area, is enough for you to see them. I know you'd like once a week, but that's not going to happen. Email them both in advance and ask for such-and-such a date for you all to spend dinner together. Keep things light and happy when you see them.

Right now, he's in the throes of pre-marital happiness, and YES, you have to take a back seat to her, whether you like it or not. Not every son does this, mama, but your son has made it perfectly clear that this is the way it is. Do NOT try to horn in on wedding plans. DO offer to have a party in their honor before the wedding, even if it's a small affair.

You really need to stop thinking in terms of him "defining" what his relationship with you is. Children don't do that with their parents, mom. They go out on their own and learn to live independently. They meet and choose a mate. They learn to live life in a different way. And if you push this, all you will do is either make him mad, or make him RUN from you.

How you act NOW will determine how much you get to see your grandchildren. How you act now might have something to do with IF you have grandchildren. You have no idea how your attitude can color your daughte-in-law's decision on when to start having children. There ARE women who wait until they are close to their 40's to have kids because of meddling inlaws. I know them, mama.

Change your attitude. If you don't, both of them will decide to be far too busy for you and they will not enjoy their time with you.

I'll give you a suggestion as a daughter in law who has been through hell.

If you want to send your daughter in law a message, do it face to face. Don't try to build up a case against her under the guise of "getting advice". Talk to your son and tell him how you feel. Talk to them together and tell them, kindly and respectfully, how you feel. Listen to them in return.

In law relationships take work. Don't automatically blame your daughter in law for the things you think are wrong. Work things out with kindness, openness, grace and understanding.

My husband and I have desperately tried for the last 10 years to get out from underneath the manipulation and control that my inlaws persist on having over us. They have made EVERYTHING my fault and claim that I am being controlling of my husband, even though he has been the one to set boundaries. It's very hurtful to be blamed without cause.

Now, I don't presume that you act like my inlaws, but I also can't presume that your DIL is the control freak you make her sound like. I can't make a determination on either side, I can only give you MY perspective based on my unfortunate experiences. I can, however, suggest that you talk it out.

Your feelings matter, her feelings matter, and your son's feelings matter. Communication is key!

My husband is not good with managing time and remembering our schedule. He always checks with me BECAUSE HE CAN NEVER REMEMBER! I know in the beginning it looked like I was micromanaging him to his MIL (and she resented it) but really it caused problems with us because if he made plans and didn't check the schedule it messed things up. She does ask BOTH of us now for things, and I used to be the one to answer her, but then I saw that she resented it so I answer to my husband and then he answers to his mother.

I can see sensitivity on both sides!

Definitely call your son. My husband is close to his mom and I would never want to take that away from him. He sees her often alone, and they do lunch dates and movie dates and that's perfectly fine. I often do the same with my mother.

Are they the busy type? I know that we are super-busy and so dropping something off to us would be an issue. Between his work and my work and his daughter's activities we are often gone most of the time. Don't take it personally! For example, I work 3 nights a week, my husband works 4 nights a week, we are sometimes home during the day but not always, and this last weekend we were gone both days and will also be gone both days this weekend!

It also takes some time to get things settled and organized. Give your son the benefit of the doubt. Also, schedule things ahead of time when you can. Today's adults are very busy, and it sounds like your son works a lot of hours. If that's the case, your DIL is probably claiming his off time (because that's her right now) and then they both have to schedule in seeing both sets of parents. It's hard!

Good luck! Just keep the communication lines open with your son AND DIL. It'll be better for all.

ETA: Reading your SWH and your other post to clarify things with readers, I find that you want to make this situation all about you. You are upset that your first and middle sons spent time together and enjoyed themselves without out. That the fiance and future spent time together at her mom's cleaning. You have to learn very quickly to take a back seat and let it be. Otherwise you will not be included in many functions due to your clinginess. Find a hobby and distance yourself. You have done all you can do as a mother -- he is a grown man. Time to let him be. Sorry for the bluntness.

The best thing you can do is to be happy for your son. You have to realize that you are now part of the "extended family". He is starting his own family. It may be just the two of them for now but it is HIS family.

It takes a bit to get that in your head that you are not the primary person in charge any more. He and she are the ones involved and they make the plans together as to whom they do and don't want to see.

My DIL is a scheduler and everything has to be planned and marked on the calendar. The first year we hubby and I asked if it was alright to come up for Christmas. Son said yes. Wife blew up. I stated that's he was right in her feelings BECAUSE he did not run it by her. We did not go up for Christmas. To get to son's home it is a 6 hour drive so I would not be "popping in" just to do so. They had words which lasted over a period of three months. Hubby and I informed son that we would see him when we did. If they had any kids they could send us pictures. We did not live with her but he did and he needed to do what he needed to do to right the marriage.

Four years later after several medical issues and a major motor vehicle accident, things are really great. Wife has realized that I am not trying to take over anything. I am there to help or give a hand when ever or where ever possible. The last visit was the best ever. We even had dinner with her parents. Son has called for recipes and I have sent recipes or given suggestions when asked.

So please back away a bit and take a break. You will be called up when there are problems. You will feel a bit out of place even at the wedding. But remember this is the bride's day not yours. Be there but be in the background.

Hubby said that he enjoyed the last visit and will stay longer. He even stated I would cook a meal or two so that she did not have to plan and prepare everything.

Just enjoy the time and know that your son is still your son. He is a grown man now and will soon have a wife and then possible children. Be happy for him. He will call when he figures out when life settles out and down. You may hear from him weekly, bi weekly, monthly or bi-monthly. You will hear from him. Just don't force yourself on either of them or you will be on the outside looking in as "one of those meddling" mothers.

Above all else, she has her mother and she will always have her mother so don't try to be her mother. Your son will be closer to her family than yours. That is just the way things seem to work out.

the other S.

Give it time. When I look back now, i can see that i was thrilled to be engaged to my husband, but I was also very confused and emotional. i was very focused on the wedding plans and registrations and finding a place to lived and just all kinds of things. It's difficult for me to imagine that I wasn't friendly and inviting of my future in-laws, but I have no doubt my MIL would see it very differently.

Give it time. The engagement is a very unique phase on their lives. They have so many changes coming up. Their worlds are about to turn upside down.

Do your best to check in with your son and just remain a constant source of support. Reach out to your future DIL as you feel comfortable. But really, just try to be supportive for now. After the wedding they will slowly settle into a routine and figure out how family fits in to everything.

Give it some time and try to give them some space. They have so much to figure out, but they're not going to forget you! Right now, their heads are just in the clouds.

Oh, this is so hard. I worry already about being an in-law and my daughter is only 13! I also remember how things were with my MIL when we first got married.

Here's the thing, you are figuring out how to define this new time in your lives. Your son is definitely figuring out how to define his relationship with his wife and her family. My guess is that he is quite confident in his relationship with you- it's like a safety net, so he's not feeling like he needs to do any work in that area right now.

I would let them settle into their relationship, it's so new- I'm sure they are loving this time with each other, and also learning so much. This is what I remember from my MIL. Looking back, I realize that she was having a hard time letting her son go, and 'staking her claim' that she caused problems. She was always trying to tell me what to do, and to isolate him from me. She was desperately trying to keep her family together, and keep me at arms' length from all of them- including my hubby. The result was that it caused so much stress we chose to move out of state. We realized that if we wanted a healthy marriage, we needed to have space of our own to grow as our own family.

Totally not saying you are like my MIL, it sounds as if you are pretty accepting of their new world together. Just saying that from the DIL's perspective, she may be super sensitive to anything she considers an intrusion into her world with your son. And maybe she's insecure because you obviously know your son better, she may be feeling like she needs to prove that she is the most important woman in his life. Any push back against this will not go over well.

You don't say why you have to go through her to find time to drop things off, etc., but if possible I would just contact him. If you e-mail, cc her if necessary, but maybe just texting or calling him?

My other advice is to do what you can to ensure that she gets that you aren't planning to intrude, but don't say anything directly. Little things, like if you were making a dinner, ask her if she thinks he would like x,y,or z... things that show her that you are willing to defer to her sometimes (even if you already know the answers to things!).

My guess is that she is insecure and trying to control things. The more you can do to get her to let her guard down, the better the outcome. But mostly I think it will be time. They should be worried about setting their lives together up right now. Now this doesn't excuse bad behavior from either of them, but hopefully they will come around. If, after some time, things don't get better, then a talk is warranted just laying out your hopes for your relationship with them.

What a difficult time for your, though. You must be happy for your son but sad at the same time. Only as I'm getting older do I recognize how hard this is for a parent. I hope it goes well for you all. Keep us posted!

My advice would be to try and start to form a relationship on your own with your future DIL. Invite her to lunch and shopping...etc. Try to get close with her. If you gain the friendship and closeness with her it will keep you close with your son and perhaps get your more included. Just my opinion.

FYI: My husband comes from an all boy family. And one of the things my SIL and I always find kinda slighted about is how my MIL will call and want to take our husbands out to dinner for their birthdays but barely acknowledges our birthdays. This definitely is noticed and makes us feel like outsiders. (Not saying you are doing this but keep in mind that this girl should now be a part of your life as much as your son is -- if you do this I think you'll more time with your son)

What was your relationship with your son like before the fiance came on the scene?

Have you tried communicating with him, just him, directly, one on one? That's where I would start. Find out how they, as a couple, split up the organizational duties. It may be that with both people working, wedding plans, other social obligations, that their schedule is becoming more stretched. I know that when my husband and I got together, I needed him to schedule more down time in his life or to sometimes attend functions alone. I'm an introvert and am drained very quickly while he's an extrovert and could go go go socially. This was something it took a little while for his friends to understand (his family lives far away), but once we all got used to the give and take of things, it got easier.

You've received a lot of other good advice below, so I won't add any more. Be patient. You've got a lot of years and events as a mother-in-law ahead of you. It's great that you love your son so much and are trying to understand how to do this transition gracefully. Good luck.

Life is crazy busy, especially when he now has to consider his fiance and his soon to be inlaws.

I sense the hurt in your post however I do think you are overly emotional.

I always tell my husband how lucky he is that he doesn't have to deal with inlaws (my parents are deceased).

I am very close to my inlaws . However, my husband hates talking on the phone and doesn't care to look at any schedule that we have in place. He knows I have a handle on everything and he prefers it that way as do I. His mom automatically calls me cuz she just knows how her son works (most men truly).

So I wouldn't be so quick to place the blame on soon to be DIL. Planning a wedding is a lot of work on top of all the daily stuff to do. They are at the stage in their life where having a signifcant other and their friends etc are just at the front of the line. It's a busy time for them, respect that. Let fiance know that you are excited for them and are there to support them.

Maybe in the future, especially with holidays coming up, you can send both fiance & son an email or text to say you would like to see them for x, y, z and to please get back to you with a day that is good for them. Of course another option is to simply tell your son he needs to visit mom sometime too.

One last thing is don't wait til the last minute to try and see him/them, and never just show up for a quick visit either.

Obviously I don't know your whole situation, but the fact is, neither do you. You are assuming A LOT. I know that unless I reminded my husband of his mom's bday and the fact that she gets all hurt if a big deal is not made of it, nothing would happen as far as a celebration because the Lord knows neither my husband, his father, his brother or my SIL would think to plan something. It is also at my recommendation that my husband and his brother occasionally take his mom out to dinner by themselves (maybe once a year). It is also because of me that, if my in-laws are out of town by their own choice during a holiday or one of their bdays, they get a call from my husband acknowledging the day. My point is, you have no idea what happens "behind the scenes," good or bad, so don't assume. Talk to your son about it.

Well gosh, HE is a grown up.
And, even before he had this fiance, were you and he close?
Or not?
Yes he is your son and you want to see him.
But things have to be scheduled.
That is the way it is.
BUT quite honestly.... your son CAN make time for you too.
The thing is: even if he has a Finance or is married or has kids or not... HE can, go see you. By himself. Right?
He is not a siamese twin with his Fiance.
HE can, also have his own schedule too.
SO, you do NOT have to.... "make an appointment through his Fiance..." or anything. I mean, doesn't your son have his OWN cell phone that you can call him directly on? You can talk to HIM, not his Fiance.
I REALLY do not see why, you have to go through his Fiance, just to contact him or call him or see him.
Does not make sense.

And if she is so controlling like that, well he chose her.
And he has to grow some big boy pants.
HE also, can stand up for himself.
And HE... can make time for you.
Too.

If you live near to each other, schedule a standing recurrent date, at a place that you would be happy to go to even if they don't choose to join you. i.e. Sunday brunch and live jazz the first sunday of the month. Let them know either or both are welcome to join you there, inlaws and extended family are welcome to. They may or may not take you up on it. But its a good start.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Thanks for all the input from the MILS & DILS. A lot of good advice. To answer some of the questions put in the responses, I am as close with my son as any mom would be. We've had our differences, but he is my first born, and we've always shared a good bond. As far as my future DIL, I am not resentful toward her at all. I have nurtured a good relationship with her, quite separate from my son. I have met her family, and mother, and am friendly with them all. They have been very nice to me. I do not impede on their time or space, and rarely impose my presence. In fact, they contact me for a visit more than I contact them. I guess I'm irritated by the fact that any contact seems to be on their terms. I'm a busy person as well, and that doesn't seem to fit into the equation. Additionally, my middle son happen to be at their house when I was trying to arrange a time to drop off the present. In fact, he had been there all week-end at the DILs invitation. I felt hurt being told that they were too busy for me to take 15 minutes of their time to drop off a bday present. Yet, they were not too busy to allow my middle son to hang out all week-end. My oldest son was there alone, at home, working while his fiancé and my future DIL were at her mothers house cleaning because her mother "never does". They were there all afternoon, and I don't understand why during that time, I could not have dropped off the gift. Just to clarify, I have included her in all kinds of gift giving, jewelry, family heirlooms. Her not being included or treated like a family member by myself isn't possible. To me, it seems that there is always time for her family, and for my son to attend her family events, etc. I rarely have requested anytime to audience, and when I actually do request 15 minutes to drop off a present, I am just disregarded....sort of like her family is important, but sons is not...or his mother at least. This isn't about her. As someone stated, it's really on my son. He is a grown man, and if he doesn't want to assert himself enough to collect a bday present from his mom, then what an I do? I have asked my middle son to deliver the bday present to my son sometime this week. I'm not going to get upset about any of it anymore. It is what it is. I know who my son is, and I don't feel threatened by his fiancé at all. He has his own life, and I have mine. He's a grown man, and when he wants to see his mom, or talk to me, I'm sure he'll make the effort. But, a wives role is to be by his side, his partner, and his friend. It's not to be his surrogate mother. The wife should have the role of everything a wife should do...which is most everything. She can not replace the role of his mother. I don't see the difficulty in understanding what her boundaries are, and mine. In closing, I want to ad that I know she talks, and visits with her mother exclusively quite frequently. She went as far as telling me her mother thinks that "she can do a lot better than (my son)" she actually told me this. It took a lot for me to not snap back in defense of my son, but I let it go. My point is, if she understands how important it is for her to have a one-on-one relationship with her mother, why can't she understand that it's also important for my son to be able to maintain some sort of one-on-one with his mom. She doesn't have to be there or be included in every minut detail of my contact with my son. Example...I went to my sons graduation from college. He has a much larger apartment, and more room. I hadn't seen him in months, and it was decided that instead of staying with my son, and his little brother....basically my family....I would stay at her cramped apartment with her, and actually have to share a bed with her instead of staying at my sons place. Really, I wanted to get a hotel, but she insisted that I do not. Maybe she's just REALLY insecure. Well, if she changed as many diapers as I have or sat up all night with a colicky baby as much as I have, she would realize I am delighted to send my son on his way...to start his own family. I'm not saying she is wrong or I am right. I put this on my son more than anything. Just because they are starting a life together is not an excuse to ignore or disregard your family. They have been together for a few years. So, the "crazy in love" excuse doesn't work either. Whenever she has called me and asked me to go with her to look at wedding venues or meet with her to plan the wedding, I have dropped my plans and made time for her. Even when I would've MUCH rather been doing something else. But, I wouldn't be so selfish as to not consider her feelings, or the fact that she wanted me there too. But, it's got to go both ways. I am not available for their beckoning call if they are not available for the 15 minutes it takes to drop off a freaking bday present. It was a very special present, and I had it custom made for my sons new business, she knew this because I included her in the entire project, and asked for and accepted her input. So, no...I'm not the meddling MIL or the MIL from hell. I am not asking for anything more than common courtesy to be extended to me as I do for them both. I'm going to just send her an email, and tell her how I feel about the while thing...or maybe I will send her copies of this entire post..Lol. Thanks again for all the advice.