Family and the Holidays

Have you told him how you feel? Does he understand where you are coming from or are you just quiet about it? If you don't speak up he might think it's ok and that it doesn't matter to you one way or another.

Personally I think its a little selfish of both of them to not at least try to divide time between two families. Sometimes we switch years if we have to travel out of town but this year we will spend Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day with his. We have been doing this since we were dating and now its even more important since both families want to see the kids. I think its best if they (son and fiance) can work this out now (early on in their relationship) and come to a happy place where both sides can be happy. I would tell him that it means so much to you to spend time with him and that you hope you'll see him on Christmas eve. Relationships are 50/50 anyway so your not asking anything unreasonable for them to split their time if thats what your son wants too.

I don't think your wrong. You should be allowd to have at least xmas eve or day with your son. I don't think you should get xmas day every year with your son meaning his fiance' has family too. Each person has a family to be with not just one.
Every year my MIL tries to hog Xmas Eve and Day. I put my foot down and told my husband we will have to rotate. His family get xmas day on the even years and my family gets the odd years xmas day. this year I will spend xmas eve with my family. This year my husbands family wanted to do xmas eve with his dads extended side and I said no. If he wants to go with his side by himself on the years with my family its fine but I take my son.

My mom use to have all the "holiday" dinners like a week before the actual day. That way we were free to go to others houses and it didnt creat a problem. Maybe have it a few days before Christmas.

Its not the actual day that you celebrate right its just that you celebrate it with your loved ones.

Since you are only one and alone, why doesn't your son invite you to join them on Christmas. If not, I think its only fair to have one holiday with you and the other with the fiance's parents. Or host a brunch instead so he can do both!

Can you talk to both of them? I know from being a mother of 3 boys how we are put on the back burner once our boys have a significant other. When my oldest son got married I felt like I was going a friend's wedding not my own child's. Maybe if it had been closer to my home it would have been different but I doubt it she is a "dominant force". My other 2 boys I haven't gone through it yet but I have a feeling it will be the same way. I would still talk to both of them. It seems selfish to expect him to spend the whole time with her family. It's like his family is not important. I'm sure that's not what it is. US girls can be really bossy and demanding of our men. You really need to get to him through her. ANd explain to her why this is important to you.

Why do you have to be alone on Christmas? Can't you go to your son's fiance's parents house?

I think they are RUDE.
If they cannot show ANY 'respect' for you now... as a potential "In-Law"... then what next?

Your Son, should be, diplomatically, being there with you, on this Eve. This is your 'tradition'... fiance or not.

Did your future Daughter-in-Law or her parents... .INVITE you too????
They should be.... thinking of that too.
Or maybe they will be monopolizing every holiday from here on out....

Your Son's Fiance... also should be speaking up.... out of respect for you. That is.... showing fine manners and respect, for her Fiance's Mom..... and reflects her upbringing...

You ALREADY give-up.... your Thanksgiving and Easter... with your sons. So that they can go to their Partner's homes. To me, you SHOULD not be having to make more and more and more sacrifices and taking the back-seat... continually.
Your Sons... should be speaking up... for you and themselves and just say THEY need to spend the Holiday with YOU... and you are all alone.. .and that is just their family tradition.

If you were my Fiance's Mom and she was a Single parent/Widow/Divorcee... "I" would be, as the Fiance...extending an invitation to you too... AND/or.... telling my Fiance, that he 'needs' to see his Mom on her traditional Eve dinner and spend time with her... that is also per my upbringing/culture/manners and how I was raised. That is just what is done. I would not in any way, monopolize my time with her Son, ... and oust her.
AND I would simply explain to my family... that we have other obligations too.... to my Fiance's Mom. That is respect. Not the all-alone parent having to by default and majority rule... that she always has to... take a back-seat to any Holiday festivity...
I think, it is very selfish... of them all.

All the best,
S.

I think adult children should divvy up the time equitably. Do you and this fiance's family live in the same general area? Meaning, is it easy for them to go to one house on Christmas Eve and to the other mother's house on Christmas Day?

My MIL - Even after 15 years together with her son - Still asks us quite pleasantly to come to both of her events on eve and day. And I politely shake my head and my husband responds with a bit less patience.

Perhaps you can tell your son and his charming fiance that Christmas is after all the celebration of the birth of a beloved son. And what more fitting way to recognize this than a son celebrating with his mother?!

Do not take the back seat! It's unrealistic for the fiancee, her parents or your son to think the future in-laws should get both days! This is a sign of things to come. If you bend on this & take the backseat, you will be taking the backseat throughout their entire marriage. Sit your son down, probably alone without the fiancee, and tell him how you feel. If he's a good, sensitive son, he will let you have your Christmas Eve.

S.
I have 2 boys also and my greatest fear is to have this happen. The best thing about having a daughter would be the fact that THEY are the ones who make the holiday decisions and it usually (actually, almost always) favors their OWN family's plans. Your son should have a backbone and stand up for the fact that YOU are HIS family and that -too bad, so sad-she will have to give up Christmas Eve with them. I don't even know what to tell you to do. hopefully they will end up not getting married b/c sadly I can see this getting worse in the future with kids involved. Can your other son talk to him about this and how much it hurts you?

Ultimately the decision will be his, not that of his future in laws. I would extend a personal invitation and express your feelings to him without being accusatory, use statements that own your feelings "I feel, I think etc" After that its up to him, at least you can say that you expressed yourself and the rest is up to him.

This seems to be a problem in ALOT of families, mine included! My two adult children, due to a divorce, have the dilema of being with my ex, and grandparents, and their bf/gf's families. We decided each year we would switch off for the holidays, celebrating the weekend before the holiday. This year I had the kids over for Thanksgiving & so this weekend I have them for Christmas, early. It's worked out nicely, no arguments. Can you do something like that with your son? Enjoy the Holidays regardless of who is there or not.

I don't have a suggestion but feel like you do about a time to spend with my son and his wife. Long story short we are in the same boat as many this seaon with the wife/fiance trying to dominate all the time with her family. In fact the two are in a heated argument over this. Son was gong to come home and leave wife to visit with her family but at present they are trying to figure out something. She says that their Christmas tradition is "etched" and that we (hubby and I) should have talked to son last month so that she could figure out how to include us in their family things. It would be okay for us to see them Christmas evening (I am not driving 8 hours on Christmas day to see someone that same night for a very short time). Also she said we could come up New Years and celebrate. Wrong daughter is coming in from Texas as it was rescheduled from this weekend to then before the flying fur. I told son I would see hin when I see him I am not going to get into a you took her side (m9m) over my side (wife) in the discussion. So we will see where this goes it could be a dealbreaker. I don't live in the house. I have been blamed that it is my fault that she feels this way and that is why she won't speak to me because it seems that I call her at work and she can't answer the phone. Hey I have texted her a couple of times during the work day over a period of a year and get a response back may in a week or two if I am lucky.

Sorry for the vent but it has been building up. I guess even if you try to be a good MIL you can't be one. To all of you that have a good relationship great.

The other S.

PS Things like this change what you want to do and give your adult children when you get to the split up my stuff stage.

As the daughter or daughter in law, I would say number one, its your sons responsibility to handle his side of the family. Its not her fault. Second, I think you should talk face to face with BOTH of them. You can't make her out for the villain unless you have tried this. Third, I don't personally think famly fully understands how stressful they make the holidays. I have divorced parents and have to coordinate 2 christmas's w them, and then with my in laws. Frankly my in laws tend to not be on the day, bc of when my sister in law comes up. I do try to accomodate bc I think all family is important, but I don't see why each year one person should have their own special day. Make it every other year, join her family stuff etc.... But your sons primary family is his wife and kids. I would talk to them both. No emails no texts.... And see what u can work out. Is it important for u to see them or that they go to your party... If its to see them, then u should be able to work it out.

My mother-in-law also lives alone and joins my larger family for the holidays. It does help that we all live close but it simplifies everyone's life when she concedes to join us. She says it's easy for her too, as she can leave when she's had enough and go home to her quiet house. I know she does this to make our lives easier and we greatly appreciate it, but it also brings our entire family closer when extended family comes together. Maybe visiting their families for the holidays will make everyone's holiday brighter.

It's generally impossible to get our entire family together during the holidays, due to obligations to other families, work, whatever. So my grandma started doing the Christmas celebration on the 23rd or the 26th. It's always nice, because we still have the Christmas spirit, even if it isn't on the day. (She does the same thing for Thanksgiving too...)

NO! Do not back down. It's VERY selfish of her to think that she's entitled to BOTH Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day!! This woman CLEARLY has no respect for anyone else or their family and family plans. Particularly, since you are sacrificing Thanksgiving and Easter, you SHOULD not give a second thought to asking for him to be at your party!

If you give in to her, she'll just want more. People like this think they are entitled and very selfish. The more you give in, the more you'll get taken advantage of.

You HAVE to set clear boundaries w/ people like this. I've got a couple in my life and I won't even allow one of them in my home. She is SSSSOOOO controlling and disrespectful that I won't allow the negativity, rudeness, etc. in my home. It makes her mad that I set boundaries and stick to them, but she'll just have to get over it. I'm not letting ANYONE walk over me!!! Neither should you!!

You know what....you should just have your party on Christmas Eve, and enjoy it, and invite your son and his fiancé over on another day.
It is their loss to miss your party.....and very inconsiderate of them but do not let them bully you.
You are already making enough concessions and it will not stop if you kowtow every time.
So hold your ground on this one, tell them that you will miss their presence that night, but look forward to their Christmas visit on another night that is more convenient for them.

Do they need all day BOTH days? Can you or they adjust the time on one of the two?

I think you are wise and understanding to adjust on those other holidays. Your son, his fiance, and her family need to realize that if they are a couple, there is other family to see on holidays.

Tough question.
Are your boys traveling to see you or the other family?
Could you do a Boxing Day (Dec. 26) event?
If you don't bend, how likely is it that your son and his fiancee with come? You can't force them. You can let him know how it makes you feel, of course. If they do feel pressured to come, and are don't act very nice while they are there, will that also make you feel saddened?
You are going to have to talk to him about alternatives - maybe every other year? I am trying to come up with a win-win situation when it seems right now that it is set up like a lose-lose situation.
I totally sympathize - my sister-in-law refuses to come for Christmas eve or day. My in laws usually come between Christmas and New Years so we can't come to my mom's for a visit. We often don't see them until my nephew's birthday in February.

I think your son should let her know that part of Christmas eve belongs to you. I do believe that the spouse/kids become our primary family when we marry, BUT we also need to do our best to make it a family holiday.

One thing I want to ask is why are you not a part of their partners' family celebrations as you say you are alone for the holidays? Is there a reason you have to have "your" celebrations? Is it just cause no one's ever thought of this before or cause it's never been done that way before? I just ask because my dad was included in family holiday celebrations after the divorce. I'm sure other families would think it was wierd or it wouldn't even occur to them, but it worked. Perhaps by becoming a part of their lives (unless there's a valid reason not to be) would be the best solution - that way, you wouldn't be alone for the holidays - heck, then they'd have to share YOU :)

I think Elli's idea is a good one if you'll go for it. Your son has a home and he could invite you to join him.

When children grow up, we're still their mothers, but we distance ourselves so that they can live their adult lives. Sometimes my children and their families have joined us for Christmas (hooray). Sometimes they've been living in other places and can't come, and sometimes they just don't want to come - they want to do other things. I certainly can't jump for joy about that. But they're grownups, too, now - good ones, I hope - and I need to let them decide what they want to do with their holidays just as my parents did for me.

I'm giving serious thought to what I will do when none of my children comes for Christmas or any other special day. It will happen. I've already decided what my attitude will be. Now I have to decide what actions to do in order to make that attitude work. Growing older ain't for sissies, is it?!

I would stand on this issue. You said "everu year". So your son (and= his fiancé) should know this is coming up. You deserve a holiday get together that is on your terms. For the fiancé not to concede on one occasion would be quite selfish.