Holidays with In-Laws

My adopted daughter lives in the same town as I do. Her birth family lives less than an hour away and she spent one holiday with them and the other with me. Last year they spent Thanksgiving with me and my birth family and Christmas with her husband's family. Although I did feel sad because this was the first Christmas day I did not spend some time with her and my grandchildren, I understood because this was the first Christmas with a new husband and his family. She now has her own nuclear family and must make decisions based on what is best for her immediate family. I think, if both families do not get along, that dividing the holiday is only fair.

As a mother and a mother-in-law, I do now come second to the basic family group of my daughter, her husband, and the children. I'm very thankful that my daughter and son-in-law want to include me in their holiday celebrations this year. Her mil and I have now met and enjoy each other, unlike last year when we were strangers.

I also strongly believe that being included is not a right but a privilege which I earn by accepting of everyone in the extended family. I feel sad that you "can no stand" your mother in law. Surely a few hours during holiday time is not too much to ask. At the same time, I don't understand your mother's unwillingness to spend a few hours with your mil on the holiday, either. Holidays are for family. I suggest that if she's invited to your mil's and refuses to go that she can stay at your home while you go. She is choosing to not be with you. Where she spends the holiday is her choice and her responsibility. You should not be protecting her. You should be focused on what is best for your immediate family.

There are other ways to handle this situation and I hope that you and your husband can find a way that is most acceptable, tho not perfect, for you and your husband and children. Your nuclear family is what counts the most. Surely, you don't want to mess up happiness during the holidays by making your mother's or his mother's wishes more important than yours and your husband's wishes as a team. Many families are not able to get together for the holidays and that's OK too, no matter the reason.

I suggest that you compromise and spend Thanksgiving with his mother and Christmas with your mother, since she's coming from a long distance away as the most logical solution. Then spend time another day close to Christmas with your mil. If you can make this about compromise instead of personalities, he may be better able to accept this plan.

I would feel hurt that my spouse couldn't stand my mother. I believe that it's important to respect parents. Respect means that you can be with them even when your personalities conflict. My mother's saying was, "if my child can live with them, I can walk around them." She was gracious to my brother's wife even tho she did not approve of her life style.

Compromise is a necessary part of making relationships work. I can follow his reasoning that since he's geographically close to his mother now he should be a loyal son and spend both holidays with her. However, he has his own nuclear family with whom to make plans. Yes, it's great to include family of origin but it's not selfish to want to spend time with both families of origin. Calling you selfish does not help making a decision. I would ask that both of you discuss this without putting the other person down by calling them names.

Spending one holiday with each one sounds like a good compromise to me. Another way to handle it would be to not spend either holiday with either parent. Makes more sense to me to do it that way as to spend both holidays with one parent, leaving one parent out,

Although my daughter and I live in town, I did not spend Christmas with them last year. I spent Christmas Eve with them. Because of exchanging gifts, I agree with your husband that it would be good to spend some time around Christmas with his mother, the children's grandmother. Break up the holiday time in ways that include other days than the holiday day it's self. What counts is the love that is shared and not the day it's self.

If each of you can step back and compassionately consider the other person's view point, you can reach a solution agreeable to both of you. What you do won't be exactly what each of you wants but it will be what each of you can accept.

Oh, how I love the holidays!

We moved to NC 7 years ago and it's been difficult ever since....My daughter was born 3 years ago and it just got worse from there.

Here's what I decided after driving 12 hours to where we grew up for the first 2 Christmases of my daughter's life: Christmas is AT HOME. OUR HOME. All others are welcome, but my child deserves to awaken in her own home with her tree to her presents...no less.

It ticked off the in-laws a lot and I've dealt with their drama since. My parents were told what the deal was and decided they would visit for Christmas then. My in-laws hate this and have made it known. They are welcome, but they do not want to disrupt their lives (has nothing to do with vacation time or money, either). I don't feel it is my job to appease them when I have a child to consider and traditions to start here at my home, not in a hotel. It is also not feasible for us to travel all that way since my husband now has a job that can/does require him to work part/all of the holiday.

I had it out last year with my MIL who decided to whine to me about our decision and act as though it was ruining my daughter's life and hers. I told her that the decision was made and that she was welcome to come to NC for Christmas any time, but it would be quite a few years until we made the trip again. We go home at least one other time a year (vacation) and they visit us other times as well, so it isn't the ONLY time she would be able to see them and I don't think it is too much to ask to let children have Christmas at their own home.

Now, your situation is a bit different since your MIL is closer than a 12 hour drive and your mother is making the long distance trip to you. I agree with those that say to open your home to both and allow them to decide what they do. Why not plan Christmas at your home and invite all to attend? If this isn't an option, have you mother spend the AM with you and then spend the PM with his family or do Christmas Eve with Mom and Christmas with MIL....there are ways to make everyone "happy" as well as the children in this situation, but you have to be willing to make some adjustments. My family spent Christmas Eve with my dad's family and Christmas with my mom's and it worked quite well.

Take care and good luck! I've been here...I am here....and it stinks!

To those that talk about "hate" and "dislike" for MIL's like it is something that people do just because it's the "in-laws": I love my MIL and I pray for her, but I don't like her and at the end of the day I lay my head to rest feeling just fine about that...

This is the age old debate between husband and wife. This issue will likely rear it's ugly head for years to come...and just when you think the plan is set, it will start all over again. Personally, how you feel about your mother-in-law aside, I think if there are no financial restraints, it is important to visit BOTH families during the holidays. Your mother deserves a little special attention too, since this is her first year without the two of you. Good luck, this conversation is always tough.

Why would you change what you have always done just because it is now his mother. Hold your ground, your mom deserves some time as well. He needs to understand that you just had to move from your mother, that you miss her, and that she misses her grandchildren. He needs to be fair and let your mom have one of the holidays.

I say do both to keep the peace. It's not hard to work out a compromise if you really want to.

Have your mom come and spend every day you can with her. Plan the visit to his mother's on the given day but only stay a few hours. If your mom doesn't want to go then perhaps she'll have made friends with some of your friends and can spend that particular day with them.

It will make your husband happy and keep the MIL from feeling slighted. Of course she may be upset your mom didn't go but that's just one of those things we learn to just accept.

Go to Thanksgiving at his moms. For christams if you are hosting your mom could you host his as well? for the day? Maybe one (or both) could stay at a hotel for a night or two. Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do. This goes for you, your husband, his mom AND your mom. My MIL is pretty bad to me but she is my husband's mom so I have to suck things up sometimes.

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy solution to this but until you and your husband agree on how it should be handled, it isn't going to be solved.
We don't have any details on why you don't seem to enjoy your MIL's company and we really don't need them...but that isn't the important thing here..the important thing is that she is family..and Christmas as well as other holidays are not about a date on a calendar but about family and closeness and sharing. I think that Marda has given you some outstanding advice...reread her letter and give it some serious consideration.
My idea is this....
Option #1 Celebrate Christmas Day at YOUR house...invite both Mothers...if one of them is unwilling to bend and spend Christmas around the other..that is her choice not yours.
Option #2 If your Mother is coming to spend a considerable amount of time with you over the holidays...then go ahead and spend Thansgiving and Christmas Days with your MIL at her house...then celebrate Christmas with your Mother ( if she is unwilling to go to your MIL's home...again...her choice!!!) on Christmas Eve...or some other day near Dec. 25th...have your family dinner then, save a few presents for all of you to open....sing carols...play games...whatever your family normally does to celebrate Christmas!
This doesn't need to turn into a war...don't discuss personalities or character flaws with your husband...discuss what the two of you want to do to make Thanksgiving and Christmas special for YOUR nuclear family!!! As a Mother to 3 grown daughters, and 2 fabulous little grandsons...I know that my wishes for Christmas now come SECOND to what those two girls and their families want to do for Christmas!!! The first year that we weren't all gathered around the family tree in my living room was a bit of a let down for me...but I knew that it was important for them to be building Christmas traditions for their families!!! Don't make this a battle of wills or a power struggle, you and your husband need to sit down calmly and lovingly and come up with what is the best solution for you two and your children!!!
Good luck to you!!!

I waited until hubby and I were alone. I told him how we had spent the past 10/12 Thanksgivings and 12/12 Christmases with his family. It is not fair in any way. This year, I get both holidays, though I haven't decided what to do about Thanksgiving since it is so short a holiday.
His mother should get one holiday, the opposite of the one she had last year.
Would your mother be ok if his mother joined you all for Christmas lunch at your house? Would you?

One holiday for each? Seems pretty reasonable to me. Also makes me thankful (again) that my in-laws and I are cool and that all the grandparents like each others' company. It is a blessing I don't take lightly after hearing so many horror stories on Mamapedia!

Marriage counseling will have a person that has no sides and will allow you guys to come up with a compromise.. I do understand, TOTALLY, understand.

Suggestion ~ You obviously will be spending Thanksgiving with MIL.. So this year when your mom comes down hold Christmas at your home and allow MIL to stay at a nice hotel close by and have set activities for the day.. Make your husband be in charge of keeping his mother happy. Remind him that this is the first year in your new home and and you have not seen your mom for all of this time.

I am sorry that this has already started in your marriage.. It has been almost 30 years for us and has always been this way in our family.. Makes the holidays a heavy weight on us..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I do not like the word hate either.. Had to answer Diane.. When a person tells their own child she has always preferred his sibling more than him, it makes you weep and makes it hard to forgive.You love her son so much. When the person for over 30 years accuses you of mistreating her child and accuses you of not allowing her child to live a good life (more than 30 years) you hurt and try to make it clear these are not true accusations..I tried everything, nothing would change her mind. But when this person ignores your child , and favors her other grandchildren with no regard for this amazing child, you not only want to hate, but you want to protect your family from this treatment. I will no longer allow this heartless person who denies over and over what she has been documented acting and saying, your must protect your family. I no longer have anything to do with MIL. I do encourage my husband ans daughter to see her as often as possible.. Interesting, now that I am not there to buffer her treatment of them.. Their eyes are wide open to her behaviors.. Sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself.Diane, I am glad you have never had your family treated poorly by a family member.. It is devistating.

never try to sway a man about his mother, she could be in the kitchen baking dog poop brownies in a thong bikini and he would still refuse to believe anything bad about her.. get together with your mother without him, problem solved. ever heard of separate vacations?
K. h.

Your mom has the entire month of December off. When you have extended family to visit during the holidays you do not have to only use the one actual day to do the visiting and or feasting. Schedule your mom for an early Christmas get together, maybe the week before Christmas. The kids will feel special because they can open grandma's gifts early and it will be like two Christmases and both parents will get their fair share of you.
My mom lives 3 miles from us and my husbands mom is an hour away. Naturally we visit my mom more because she's closer, that's just the way it goes. And by all means, even tho you dont like your MIL (yet), she is the grandma of your kids and you shouldnt deprive them of that relationship.

Ok K.,

I'll give this a shot. First, we need more info on why your husbands mother is difficult to deal with in order to make an informed decision, but regardless I have two pieces of advice.

1. You can use this if you like; my parents are 15 minutes away from me but we split the holidays with my wifes parents and they are in a different city; I certainly do not feel that it is selfish at all.

2. You can leave it up to the mothers; invite them both to your house for the holidays and properly inform them that both were invited and see who comes. ( I find that some parents are more than willing to have you visit, but won't make the effort to come to you)

I'd like to add that I understand that some relatives are impossible to be around as my wife's grandmother has done everything in her power to poison her family against my wife and her mother and we never visit her due to this. (don't ask for details as I won't share them)

First, I would suggest that you change your "stand" towards your MIL. My MIL and FIL didn't want me to marry their darling daughter. I was poor and they didn't like my frugal ways. My MIL just didn't like me. My FIL's feelings were much more hostile. They said all kinds of things against me. My FIL came home one night while I was at his home, talking to his darling daughter, and offered to teach me the "manly art of fisticuffs" on the front lawn. He had driven home from his favorite bar and could barely stand. Our relationship went down hill from there.

Second, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Be nice. Always be nice. "Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice." I always helped her parents when ever I could. I helped them financially when they needed it even though they disparaged my frugal ways. I never talked bad about my MIL or FIL, to my kids and only rarely voiced my frustrations with how they treated me with my wife.

Third. Spend time with his mother. You may even get to love her. You should try really hard to love her. If your mom wants to spend Christmas with you and your family, good. If she doesn't, that's up tp her. Just tell her some of the time you and your family will be at your MIL's home and she can choose to be with you or she can choose to be at your empty home and wait until you get back. Unless your husband has a fantastic job he won't be able to spend all of December at your MIL's home. So your mom won't have to miss you for too many days.

This time you should sway with your husband, not look to sway him to your point of view.

Good luck to you and yours.

Well, you are not being selfish if your mother is asking to come for Christmas. But, he has a point that since you are close, it makes sense to spend more time with his mother (whether you can stand her or not). I would try to work a compromise with your mother's schedule, so that you can have Christmas Day with your Mom, but a Christmas celebration and gift-exchange with his Mom on Christmas Eve or one day close to Christmas. I also like the idea of moving Christmas with his family to your house, but sometimes, I understand that gets ugly if you don't get along with mother in law. I think one of the mothers -- whoever is more flexible -- should be able to have Christmas a day or so off the 25th -- and no one ever suffered from having 2 Christmases.

This is always a difficult thing to deal with. My dh and I have just tried our best to split things up. Basically, we tell people what we are doing and they have to deal with it.

In your case, though, it seems like your dh hasn't been able to have a holiday with his mom in a long time. Am I interpreting that correctly? That when you were on the west coast you gave your mom one holiday and you spent one at home but not with your hubby's mom, right? If that is the case, I sort of feel like you should let your dh have his 2 holidays with his mom this year to sort of "catch up." Your mom will be with you all month and I am sure she will understand if you have to spend some time with your mil. Then next year, worry about splitting up the holidays.

Life is short and there is plenty of time to hate/dislike people. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be about giving thanks and celebrating the birth of Christ. Two days with family...363 days can be spent feeling yucky!

Now, if your mil is really bad (and I mean not just mean but really trying to break you two up) you might suggest that you and your husband only go for a little while or just he go...you don't want to ruin the holidays completely. If it is just a matter of two personalities rubbing each other the wrong way, then you might just need to suck it up and be the good wife. If your dh has any sense, he will see and appreciate your effort. If he doesn't notice, then you are going to have to deal with it and hope he notices in the future. Let your mil show her true colors. Your dh won't believe you until he sees it for himself and you may be making something out of nothing because you just don't like her. Try to be open-minded just for these 2 holidays.

I am not taking sides. I am just trying to be fair and give all sides some credit. She can't be all bad - she raised a man that you fell in love with, right? I have my own mil issues so I am actually very sympathetic to your plight. I always tell myself that she has mental health issues and it helps me deal with her better.

Good luck and God bless...

I am editing my answer to add -

Please let us all know what you decide to do and how it all works out. I didn't get that you had children so that is a plus. If you do, remember that you are always setting an example for them as to how one should treat others and how you would like to be treated when you are the mil some day!

I have all the sympathy in the world for you and nearly no suggestions. Why is this all of the sudden different if previously you split the holidays when you were on the west coast?

Why can't you spend Christmas Eve and all the other 29 days with your mother and Christmas day with his mother? You can have two days of celebration. Can you take your mother with to his mothers? I know it doesn't always make the most comfortable situation and my mother would never go were she was not comfortable.

You just have to find a way to compromise without compromising the holiday...everyone.

Why don't you cook. Let your mom come out and if his mother wants to come to dinner great. If not, its her loss. You didn't say whether he had other sisters and brothers who come to her house too. If that's the case, then invite everybody. Have them bring a dish.

Your mother in law is being selfish. The holidays belong to you as well. Why is it always up to the DIL to take the high road? Why can't the MIL compromise, too?

If you want to split the holidays, do it. Don't ask for anyone's permission, just say "here is how it's going to go. We are doing T-giving at MIL's place and Christmas at mine." Open your doors if you want, but after moving across the country, I'd want to have some time in my new home with just my family. Traditions can be made at anytime, not just the holidays.

I hope you find a solution that works for your family. Good luck!

We are no more than 1 hour from either set of parents so we aren't long distance like you but what we do is we visit everyone on all the holidays (unless we end up having everyone here) and anyone who wants to see us on Christmas MUST come to us as we celebrate at home...no exceptions!

Why not tell your hubby that you can all go to his mom's on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve if he wants but you want to start the tradition of celebrating Christmas at home. Both parents and whatever other family you want are more than welcome to come to your home on Christmas Day. Or you could do Thanksgiving at his moms. Have an open door for Christmas Eve and then just your immediate family and your parents (both his and yours) on Christmas Day.

I agree with all the other posters who say "Christmas will be at MY house!" My kids wake up Christmas morning in their own beds (well, sometimes on air mattress - ha ha!) and their own home. My entire family is always welcome to come. We alternate Thanksgiving. So maybe you could spend Thanksgiving with his mother, and then tell everyone Christmas is at your house - come on down, or don't. Obviously you'll have to modify that a little if your mom and his don't get along. I have 2 brothers and we all want to be in our own homes at Christmas (and we're all about 4 hours apart) Our solution is this - my husbands parents come here for Christmas every year (usually), my parents rotate Christmas between me and my brothers (this year they're with us and my in-laws - lucky for me they like each other) Then my brothers and I (and all the kids) meet at my parents for New Years - we do a little gift exchange then. Works great. Good luck!

WOW! You being selfish?! I think it's selfish for him to think that spending all the time with his mother is the only decision that is the right one. I think it would only be fair, especially since you've moved away from your family, to share the holiday's like you always have. If you're mom is definitely coming then spend one with her and one with his mother. I would explain that it would be nice to have some time with your mom since you don't get to see her that often anymore and that now that you're on the east coast there is plenty of time to go see his mother for more than just the holidays. See if you can negotiate doing christmas with his mother on another day besides christmas so that he can still have the holiday with her but just not necessarily on xmas day so you can have that with your mom. I'm guessing that the move hasn't been easy on you since you've moved away from your family so I would also use that as a negotiation point too. He has to be understanding and supportive at something. Marriage is about compromise and it doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise when the sacrifice is his to make. Good Luck.

Advice on how to sway a husband-don't. Stay at home with your mom and let him go see his-he could move back home if he wants to-tell him you don't care. Okay, I'm back-He's close enough to his mom to drive home every weekend! Your mom is on another coastline for crying out loud! She is fortunate enough to be taking a month from work-you should spend that time together.

I think one holiday each is the best way to go especially since that what you did when you lived west coast. I agree with someone below that you should tell him your mom is coming and he can do whatever he wants for Christmas. He is being selfish but keep in mind he is excited to finlly be closer to his family. Maybe his family and your family can meetup Christmas eve , or close to it, for a family get together. Somewhere fun so you are spending time with them but not talking the entire time. Think of someway to reach out to his family around the holiday without spending the entire holiday with his parents.

Good luck!

NEVER make your spouse chose. EVER.

When we lived closer to our relatives - we SPLIT the Holidays and switched them EVERY YEAR!!

One year my parents would get Thanksgiving the next Christmas.

If your husband isn't willing to compromise like that, tell him "my mother is coming out for Christmas. WE will be going to YOUR MOTHER's house for Thanksgiving. YOU will be going to her house for Christmas."

As it stands now - his mother is dead - she died on Mother's Day 2006. His father is a work-aholic and we don't spend time with him. My parents are in CA - we are in DC - for a family of 4 to travel across country at "peak" time is expensive. I'm a SAHM. My parents are understanding.

If your husband doesn't get it - that your mom is fortunate enough to have a month off work and she wants to spend it with you guys - then that is your husband's loss. I would ask yourself - are you better off with or without him.

We have a very similar situation (West coast/East coast) with our families. Until this past July we lived 20 min. away from my family. Now we are 3 hrs and 15 minutes away from them. My husbands parents vary their visits with us and are not coming during the holidays this year. However, we have decided to spend Christmas in our new home so that the children can enjoy the day without traveling. We will visit my family sometime between Christmas and New Year's, but definitely not Christmas day. Maybe you and your husband can compromise on the date of your visit to his mother. You are not being selfish. Many families chose to split the holidays between the different sides of the family. I would suggest not stating that the reason you don't want to spend Christmas with his family is because you don't like his mother. Another option is to invite both mothers to your house, if they choose not to come, that's not your fault.

tell him that its fair because its what youve always done. if it hadnt been then it wouldnt be fair.

We live a 3 hour drive from my parents, but 3 hour flight from my in-laws. It would obviously be easier to spend all the holidays with *my* family since they are close, but that would be so incredibly unfair to my husband and my in-laws. We have always switched off every year for big holidays. We are very firm on it. If you give an inch... they'll take a mile -- for instance my mother-in-law got into a little bit of a huff this year -- she wanted us to come to her for Christmas this year even though we spent last Christmas with her. She argued that she came to us last year (because we had a newborn baby). I explained to her that even though she did fly to us... we didn't get to see my family at all last Christmas and I'm sure she wouldn't like it if we spent two years in a row with my family instead of with her. I think she got it.

In any event, if you switched off holidays before, you really should continue doing it now even though you have moved. Maybe you should have your husband take a look at this forum.

Edit: I also want to add that I agree with other posters that starting the tradition of Christmas at YOUR Home is not a bad idea. What we have actually been doing the last few years is that we stay in our house Christmas Eve -- have a nice breakfast in our home and exchange presents and then we travel that afternoon to whichever house -- generally travel is really light on Christmas day compared to the couple days immediately before it. We have already been hosting Thanksgiving here for the last 5 years or so and we invite both sets of family and it is worked out really well.