Grandmother Needs Advice on Daughter-in-law Relationship

She is probably just trying to give you a break. I know I feel bad if I ask my MIL to watch the kids too much. Just tell her you miss watching them. :)

Well I can give some insight from her point of view )maybe). I am a mother of three great girls...My dad lives with us and is a very important part of my kids lives. But, I feel bad. This is his time to enjoy life, he raised us now he needs a break. He helps with everything around the house from dishes to school lunches. I appreciate all of it but feel it's not his job or responsiblity to tend to my children. So maybe she just doesn't want to assume you would want to help more? You should just sit down and tell her that you love every minute with them and you would enjoy spending more time with them. Hope this helps.

Talk to her and let her know that whenever she would like help that you would love to have the children as much as possible. She's probably just not wanting to take advantage. She's lucky to have a MIL like you.

First, how blessed you are to have 7 grandchildren!

I have some thoughts on this that maybe your a little too close to have considered. You could very well be right in that your daughter in law may want to involve you less for reasons only she may know. But if you have a good relationship with her and have never had any power struggles in the past perhaps there is something else going on.

Do you give a lot of unsolicited advice? Do you make comments that could be taken in a manner that would upset or hurt your daughter in law without meaning to? Do you allow the kids to do or eat things they normally would not be able to do or eat? Are you creating possible power struggles of "grandma lets me"? A grandparents influence is a strong one and if knowingly or unknowingly you are sabatoging their efforts at setting rules or limits you will most certainly find the time you spend with the kids to be less and less.

If none of that applies it really could be as simple as her wanting to burden you less. I know we call on my inlaws often to watch out kids or pick them up from daycare. Much more then I would like but we do depend on them and they always seem happy to do it, however, we do realize that the grandparents are older, may have less stamina and frankly, have raised their kids and shouldn't be saddled with ours all the time and we try to compensate for that by having others watch our children. Also, I love my mother in law but I wouldn't want her to be only person who ever watches my kids. I feel children need to learn to take direction and discipline from other adults as well.

There are a number of reasons this could happen but before thinking she's just being nasty or not giving you your right to spend more time with your grandchildren try to remember when you were a mother with children that age and a home and a job and a husband and well, now a mother in law who lives less then a mile away.

Also, why only spend time with the kids when they need you to watch them due to work commitments? How about offering to take the kids on a Sunday so Mom and Dad can have a few hours to themselves? That's not only a great way to see the kids on your terms but I am sure would be really appreciated by your son and DIL. Also, that gives you true Grandma time to do just fun stuff and not be the one to bathe them, put them in pajama's and send to bed. That's not grandma time, that's Mommy/Daddy or sitter time. Your much more then a sitter to those kids and to your kids!

If your truly upset by it and you do have a good relationship with your DIL, go ahead and gently ask her. I am sure you very important to your son and DIL and their children and I doubt very much they'd want you feeling upset over something that very well could be totally innocent.

Good luck!

Hello! I have a couple thoughts. I'm not sure what you mean by "a 27 year old male uncle". I wonder if this is your DIL's brother or your DIL's uncle?

There are a few reasons issues like this happen. Communication seems like it is really lacking in this relationship. Have you voiced that you would like to spend more time with the kids? I think you need to be very clear about the fact that you love spending time with them and the more the better. (Side Note: I often do not ask my own mom to watch our child for a few reasons. I'm not sure she has the time, I don't want to burden her, and I think it is difficult for her to get up during the night and keep up physically with her.) Who knows, maybe she is thinking these things!
Also, maybe the fact that this guy is spending so much time with the kids has nothing to do with you. As far as I am concerned, the more people who love my child and want to spend time with her, the better. I think it's really inappropriate and harmful for my daughter's care givers to be competative and jealous. Is the love you have about the children or about your pride? All children have a right to be surrounded by peaceful, loving adults. Don't you want your grandkids to be loved by as many people as possible?

You mentioned that you think this may be a control or power issue for her. It could be, but I'd urge you to stay very positive and very clear about your love for these children. If she brings conflict into the relationship, distance yourself from the conflict. Don't get involved in that. Just be involved in loving those kids.

Hope that helps! I can tell you love these little ones very much!

Rachel

Hi B.,
Family relationships are certainly complicated. There's no blueprint for how much you can ask another family member to do or not do on either side of the coin. As a mom yourself, I think you can appreciate that it has to be the mother's perogative to care for her children as she sees fit. That includes who she leaves with them when. There is often more to any story than is immediately apparent. How do you know that this uncle (I'm assuming her brother) isn't going through something in his own life and she is reaching out to him and trying to make him feel loved by being an active part of her family? Her actions may have nothing at all to do with you. And if they do, give her some space. Pushing her on the topic will just make her pull away from you further. You say you have always had a good relationship with her, so give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't jump to a negative conclusion like a power struggle or insecurity. She isn't shutting you out of her children's lives, she is still making you a part of the daily routine when she and her husband are away. Truly, it sounds less like she's trying to push you out of their lives and more like she's trying to make room for other people in the family to be part of it. I'm sure she would appreciate your support in this decision. Make the most of the time you do have with your grandkids and respect your daughter in law's decisions as their mother.
Good luck,
Mary-Claire

She may be just trying to cover all the bases. If she has two of you, she has back-up if someone is not available. Also, the teenager may be identifying more with the younger person. That's not bad. As our grandchildren grow, we play a different role in their lives. We need to grow with them so we won't grow away from them. I raised three kids, and then suddenly found myself in the role of mother again, raising my grandson. Now that he's older, I am looking at things that I'd like to do. I write, paint, sew, read, garden, travel, etc. My grandchildren love to come to my house because I don't impose what I want to do on them. I give them space. I still work also. Appreciate the times that you can relax. Enjoy your husband's retirement. Life is too short. Be thankful for the time and enjoy your grandchildren when you can! Sounds like you've been an important part of their lives. What a blessing!

B.,

A couple things:

Congratulations on your seven grandchildren! I pray that you are able to spend as much time with all of your grandchildren and the others are also in your area and able to see grandma and grandpa.

It is very nice that you are willing to sit with the kids and spend time with them. I don't know how often they travel, so it is really hard to make comment on situations. If they are traveling once a month and the past couple times your DIL's brother was over...that would be different if they were traveling every week.

I think the "spending time with" needs to be spread all over the family (if people are willing to help). If they are traveling every week, it might feel like one person is over-involved and burdened, or just plain over-involved.

For instance, my friend's mom is over every day...every day. She is only a couple miles away and comes over every day. I would think it is hard to be a mom in that situation as you always have your mom there. And to add a different dynamic, your mother-in-law.

Now I say that; however the reality is "this mom needs the extra help" that you are providing. I would ask if there is a TON of travel, does the mom have to go every time for her husband's work? Does she work for the company as well or are they "fun" adventures that she wants to go on.

Just a couple extra viewpoints. You are helping out in an amazing way, she probably just doesn't want to overburden one person. Like everyone else said...talk to her.

Good luck!

Hi! Maybe she doesn't KNOW that you want all that time w/ the children and she was just breaking it up into shifts so that it wasn't over burdening one person. Since you have a good relationship w/ her I would just sit down and have a heart to heart. DON'T let things "stew" that is never a good idea. GOOD LUCK.......

D.

Hello there. I wanted to provide some informatin that may help your situation. I am the mother of two wonderful children. My father-in-law often helps with our children. He has always made it a point to be available to us, which we greatly appreciate. I will tell you that I feel guilty at times. Maybe this is how your daughter-in-law is feeling. There are many times when I feel I ask too much of him. I am also concerned that he will have a hard time saying no if I do ask. Therefore, there are times when I try and figure something else out for the kids. It is not because I don't appreciate him or what he does for my children, I just don't want to ask too much. Have you told your daughter your intention was to move closer so you could be even more available to her and that you wanted to watch the kids overnight? Maybe she does not know what your wishes are. In addition maybe she is thinking since your husband has retired you two may wish to do things together - take vacations and such. Please sit down and talk with her. She probably does not know your feelings and you I am sure do not know her's. Just talk about it and I am sure you two can figure this out together. Sorry this is lengthy, but hope this helps.

I don't know if this is your situation, but my daughter was getting baby sitters constantly, even though I live alone less than six miles away. Finally, I asked her if I could sit once in a while and she was surprised. She said she heard so much about grandmothers not wanting to baby sit all the time, and she didn't want to impose on my time. I work full time, but not on the weekends!

Without knowing all the details, it could be that your daughter-in-law feels she is asking too much of you. She may think she is doing you a favor. I think it is always best to be open and honest and face things head-on before they grow into something bigger than they are, so would talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Explain that she is the parent and you respect her decisions, but that you love to spend time with your grandchildren. That you look forward to your time with them. Good luck and God bless.

Perhaps your daughter-in-law is trying to respect the fact that you work full time, so she doesn't want to overload you with having all the kids overnight and whatnot.
It may just be the case that your daughter-in-law is trying to give the uncle a chance to bond with the kids. My younger brother isn't comfortable with babies and toddlers and diapers, so he waited until my kids were a little older to spend time with them alone. (My brother is also 27.) Be thankful that the kids are getting an opportunity to see other members of their family- they'll be much more open to spending time with family later on in life if they grow up around extended family!
Or maybe the kids just want to sleep at their own house (afterall, they are teens and tweens :D) and having the uncle come makes it easier for them.
Regardless of the reason, just ask your daughter-in-law if there's a reason she has her brother watching the kids :D

Did you talk to your son??
Sometimes children feel they do not to inconvenience there retired parents. They look at it as it is your time to relax. They may say you work full-time and do not need any more on your plate. Also your grandchildren may be asking for their uncle to stay over night with them not because they do not love you, it might be because he is younger and children look at him as cool.

Please, please talk this over with your son first and ask him why you are not being asked to stay with your grandchildren.

You have a lot of good advice here and I may not add any new information.

First off, Good for you, selflessly giving your time to your grandkids. I agree with most of the posters that maybe something is going on that you don't realize. I know I could never approach my MIL if she said something insensitive to me, she would deny it or make it out to be my fault for taking it personally. Though I am sure your not like that, you never know what is going through your DIL's head. Maybe she fears your reaction if she approaches you? Perception is reality for most.

Like many others said, she may not want to burnden you because you work so hard. I think an easy conversation between you and your son or even your DIL is warrented. Just don't jump in saying they hurt you or you feel betrayed, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

Good luck.

B.,

In truth, you gave me a perspective on how a Paternal Grandma feels. I've found that in many cases a MIL/DIL relationship has its challenges. Even if there weren't many at first, as soon as children are in the picture a lot of things can surface. I've been with my hubby for 10 years and my MIL is one of the nicest and most patient women I know.

Since having children, my relationship with my MIL has deteriorated greatly. She questions EVERY single thing that I do. I mean everything. It's hard enough being a new Mom, but to be questioned all the time is enough to put knots in my stomach just thinking about it. I know she's not doing it to be mean or hurtful, but it still gets to me.

I've been wrong because I haven't talked to her about it. Instead, I've let it eat me away to the point that I try to not be around when they come around. It's wrong, I know...I know. And, my husband has like a million awesome qualities - dealing with his parents is NOT one of them. So, I feel very alone with this.

So, maybe something you said/did bothered her and she doesn't know what to do about it. Even the best intentions can be taken the wrong way. If you have a good realtionship with her - talk to her. I can't tell you how much it would mean to ME if my MIL would just [be the better person and] talk to me. I'd be so relieved to be able to open up and share my feelings and get on with life.

Good luck and keep us posted.

T.

My perspective on this is different. I am blessed enough to have my mom, ILs and sister available for babysitting. However, often my mom is put out and feels rejected if I ask my ILs or sister to babysit.

I understand that you feel too rejection and don't mean to call you out, but wonder why you would feel that this is a "power issue" or "insecurity" on the part of your daughter-in-law (also why you focus on DIL and not your son).

You acknowledge that the 27-year old is close to your son & DIL and the kids. That seems like a good thing.

Maybe they just want the uncle to spend time with the kids and he's willing to do so. Maybe the arrangement works for them, so they are trying it. Maybe they feel safer with a man in the house at night. Maybe they do not want to impose on you.

If you have a good relationship with your DIL and son, then why don't you ask them: "The last few times you've gone away, you've had uncle watch the kids overnight. I just wanted you to know that I would love to continue to do this, I always try to make special plans," etc.

Good luck

You might want to nicely bring it up to her to get a feel as to her reasoning. #1. She might just want to give everyone a chance to spend time with the kids. #2. She might not want to burden you with them.

However.... I know with my own mother sometimes she gets a little too clingy with my son (but she watches him while I work) and starts to act like he's hers or fighting me on rules or ideas I have for raising him. I know she doesn't mean to, but when you spend so much time with a child that you love dearly its natural that you would start feeling and treating the child like their yours. That is why, on most occassions, I would rather my sister or someone else watched my son if I have somewhere to go.

I don't mention it to her because #1. I know she loves both me and my son to death and it kills her if I say anything like this, even though it hurts me not to say anything and watch it happen. #2. I don't want her to think I'm ungrateful for all the help she does give us, we'd be toast without her.

Maybe if you ask your d-i-l you could make her feel comfortable enough to tell you if it was something you did. "I noticed you haven't asked me to watch the kids for a while. Is there something I did? If so, please tell me, I wouldn't want to do anything with the kids you disapprove of." Something like that.

Good luck! :)

Do you see them more often now that you live less than a mile from them, on occasions other than overnights? Are you saying that you are hurt that your son and grandchildren have a close relationship with the uncle? It is great that they have support and love from several family members. As the children have aged, their needs have changed. For young ones, I would definitely go for a maternal figure that could take care of feeding, care, clothing, etc. However, as the kids are older and more self sufficient, they may need less mom type care. Perhaps the parents are thinking that while they are traveling the kids can have a special treat with their uncle. Given his age, he is much closer to the teenage years then you and may be able to do more teen related things. You stated that it was your DIL who felt he should be so involved. Maybe it's your son, or your grandkids. To be honest, I don't see a power trip here except maybe on your part. I see a family trying to spread out child care and give the children a chance to interact with multiple family members. Since it upsets you, the next time you are asked to come over and help in the morning, mention that you don't mind staying overnight too if they ever need you. If not, offer to host a sleepover at another time, whether or not they are travelling. Then the kids can have Grandma time and Uncle time.

I agree that she may be trying to give you a break so you don't get burned out. Or maybe she just wants to give this uncle some quality time with his nieces/nephews too, and this was an easy way to do it? You should definitely talk to her about it, because your frustration and feelings of rejection are undoubtedly going to get in the way of your relationship with her. Maybe you should talk to your son too if he's involved with those decisions? Definitely talk to her though, and get this figured out. Maybe she's not even thinking it's a permanent change - it could just be for a few trips, and then things will go back to normal with you staying with the kids? I hope you get it sorted out! Many blessings to you and your beautiful family!

Keep your chin up :) It sounds like you are a wonderful grandmother, and very accomodating, and helpful. That being said, maybe your daughter-in-law, or oyur son for the matter, feel bad, and feel like they are taking advantage of your good nature by being so accomodating, and don't want you to feel like you are being used. Or, maybe the uncle has requested to spend more time with the kids, and this seemed like a good way to do it. Did this uncle recently get married? Is he practicing for when he starts his own family? And please do not take this the wrong way, because I am only stating this from my own experience...you mentioned that the kids are 13,11, and 10...maybe they requested that their uncle watch them..? Maybe he does different things with them like play video games, rough house, listen to music they like. I know when i got to be around their age if my parents were going out for more than a few hours we really begged that our older cousin could come watch us instead of grandma. Why? Beacause she let us do things our grandma wouldn't, and I also think we just thought she was sooo cool. Your grand kids are growing up, and just like kids start to snub parents (sometimes very huirtfully) I think they do it to their grand parents too, just not as visciously because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Perhaps you can talk with your daughter-in-law since you stated you are close, but I would definately talk to your son about it no matter what, and just let him know your thoughts, and hear him out too. You sound very caring and loving, which over the long run goes a long way. I am still close to my 86 year old grandmother, and wished I lived closer to her so I could see her on a regular basis. I miss my other grandmother, and was very close to her until her death nine years ago. The bond you make with your grandkids is a special one.

Hi B.,

Bless you for wanting to help! We live thousands of miles from our parents (on both sides) and wish we had that kind of help accessible. I agree with you posters, there could be several issues at play here:

1. Your relationship with your DIL may have changed since the babies arrived--I know mine has greatly, because my MIL does not respect the boundaries my husband and I have placed on our son, as well as the fact that she questions many things we do, and she does not listen to our requests (most recent visit I requested if she opened the windows to keep them open only about 3 inches, as we don't want our son to fall out of the 2nd or 3rd floor windows, when we arrived home, his windows on the 3rd floor were open so wide, all he had to do was lean out against the screen and he would have fallen right out)--so you may want to think back to see if something like that has occurred since the grandbabies arrived.

2. She may be protecting your time by spreading the babysitting duties around.

3. She may want the uncle to get to know her children--as an aunt, I know how unique and lovely that relationship can be.

I am guessing that #2 & #3 are more likely for your situation, but I do encourage you to go into conversation with your son & dil with an open, teachable mind and attitude, you are likely to get a great response and resolution this way. Please do not consider this being a power play on either one of your parts, that will cause damage to your relationship.

Best of luck to you!

It could of course be a matter of her assuming that you felt burdened, or maybe that the uncle felt left out. First thing you should do is refocus, and talk yourself down from feeling slighted. If you approach her with hard feelings it will show.
Second, be prepared that it may just be out of convenience. If they had been staying with you, but Uncle can stay at their house, the kids are older now and probably like being at home with their own stuff and their own friends nearby.
Basically, there is a plethora of explainations and the only way to know the truth is to ask. But don't assume that anything will change in the arrangements. They need to do what works best for their family. And remember, they haven't excluded you, they just teamed you up with Uncle. It doesn't seem like hard feelings to me.

B.:

I bet she is just trying to give you a break. Maybe she thinks that overnight is too much for you. Just tell her that you really don't mind staying at night.....perhaps you and the uncle could take turns with overnight duty.

Your grandkids and DIL are very fortunate to have you!

K.

From the prespective of a daughter in law, I wonder if she feels like she is putting you out too often? Maybe she is trying to spread the care between different people so she doesn't feel like she is taking advantage of your generosity?

I would talk to you DIL and let her know that you would love to help out as much as she needs you, you love the children, and you would like to use their business trips as time to make special plans with your grandchildren.

I think once she knows this she will contact you more to babysit. Be willing to trade off between the children's uncle and your care though too. It is important that they have strong bonds with all their family.

Good luck in this situation! (I truly hope this is not a power struggle on your daughter-in-law's part)

I am granddaughter myself one of twelve. So I understand how you feel about this. My grandmother is great because there are days that she gets to see her grand kids everyday, but she also say she get tired of always my relatives just dropping off there kids when she wanted to go do something that night. You might want to ask her but, also look at the picture maybe she wants you to have a little time for yourself. Since you mentioned that your husband retired plan a trip in the summer where you could take your grand babies to a lake for the weekend or just a day that way you have time with them and you are a blessing to the parents for giving them a break. Also plan some alone time with your hubby to something that you never got to do yet. Even if,it is a Sunday drive just to get icecream from another city.

I am so sorry you are hurting over this. I asked my Mom what she thought. She is a doting Nanna as well. She understands your feelings and she would definitely have a twinge of the same. However, he IS their Uncle and it is great they are so close. As far as the DIL, I am a DIL and I would not want to overburden my MIL with ALL the work. I would also want my children to know the other side of the family. My Mom says it is hard, no question. She admits the twinges of jealously as a reality and just trys to look at the broader picture...although it IS hard!

When I started reading your post, I thought you were going to complain that they "use" you excessively for babysitting. Maybe your DIL wants to respect the fact that your husband recently retired and that the two of you may be enjoying your own free time? I think it's wonderful that you want to be with the children and would let her know that you are willing to be there more than she has asked. Then follow their lead.

Hi Grandma,
I wish my children had a grandmother like you!!! Daughter-in-law's brother = Uncle? Maybe she thinks it's nice having him around, too. You seem to do a lot for the family. Maybe they just feel like they don't want to feel like they are just using you-you work full-time too. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with your Daughter-in-law. Asking her about "why things changed" may ease your mind. You don't ever want to start becoming resentful. Be sensitive - just don't be confrontational - sounds like you have a great thing going!

It's good to hear that you want that special time with your grandchildren, it just may be a simple misunderstanding and she is trying not to overwork you since you do work FT. (that is how i am w/ my mil, There is no doubt in my mind that she wants to be w/ the kids but she has worked all week/day). I would simply just let her know that you do not mind staying nights/days with the children (because you look foward to it) and just to call ahead of time to make arrangements. Also, it's good to have a close knit family, so take the relationship that the children have w/ the uncle as a positive!

Hi B.! I hear where you're coming from... My mother-in-law, with whom I have a wonderful relationship, recently retired and she has been my #1 babysitter. You say that you have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law - I think you should gently let her know that you would have loved to have taken the night shift too. You see, my take on it is this: I probably would have done the same thing your daughter-in-law did, not because of any insecurity or power play, but I would have felt bad asking you to do both night AND morning shift - most especially because you work full time and you husband has retired. I would have felt bad monopolizing your time when your husband might also want quality alone time with you. It's all about balance. Perhaps she had no idea that you would have wanted to have both... Or maybe she's just trying to vary the people in her children's lives so she's not relying solely on one person. My mother-in-law travels quite a bit, now that she's retired, and when she's gone, it's hard to find a sitter I trust as much. Perhaps your daughter is just cultivating this relationship (and maybe an additional male presence) so she can have backup options. But like I said, I think you should just talk to her - I'm sure she didn't mean to slight you. She probably just didn't want to take advantage and heap all the responsibility on you. I hope this helps!

You should talk to her. It's possible that she feels because your husband is retired now, that it is YOUR time. Alot of people are like that, and she may assume that's how you feel too.

She just might think she's doing you a favor.

The answer is yes. You should definitely talk to her about this - especially since you feel that you have a good relationship with her. The only way she'll know how you feel and what you want to do is if you tell her. The only way you'll know what her intentions are is if you ask her. Communicate just as plainly as you have on this forum, and all should be fine. Do it soon so you don't carry all of this angst. Peace.

My mother watches my children for me several times during the week while I am at work. I feel that it may be too much for her especially when its more than 3 days. But every time my husband or I mention getting someone else to babysit (to lessen her load) she gets upset with me. She never says that is the reason, but she will get upset over something else.

So perhaps your d-i-l is just looking out for you and now that you are retired she doesn't want you to spend all your time with the kids even though it sounds like you want to. She might just not want to take advantage of you. Talk to her.

Hi B.,

The one thing that stuck out in your request was that you always make special plans for when you are sitting with the grandkids. Is it possible your DIL wants to stick to a normal weeknight routine and that is why the uncle is left with evening duties?

I think your best bet is just to be honest with her on how you are feeling left out. Don't say anything to make her defensive, just have an open conversation. Good luck.

That's great that you have a great relationship with your DIL. I have a great relationship with my mother and mother-in-law. From the perspective of the daughter-in-law.....It might just be that your DIL doesn't want to overburden you, especially since you work ( also, I'm not sure if you have any health issues, but that might also be a concern). She might figure that she would pull in the younger uncle to help out with the kids. Both my mother and MIL love our kids and our close by, but watching them all day does wear them out and I often guilty about this. I try not to have them watch my rambunctious boy and newborn for to long a stretch at a time. My MIL works, but I often feel guilty asking her to watch the kids. I will ask if it is for a short time. She could also take off work if needed, but I hate to ask her to do that.

You should talk to her if it really bothers you. It's always a fine balance for me to make my mother-in-law feel needed and appreciated without overburdening her with babysitting constantly. If you have a good relationship with her then I wouldn't see this as an issue of her trying to assert power. Let her know how you are feeling. She may not be aware that you feel this way and if this bothers you enough it might sour the relationship. Don't let that happen.

I would suggest talking with her. Maybe she is thinking of you and your Husband. With him being retired, perhaps she is trying to give the two of you a chance to "have a life." Or maybe the young man needs a place to sleep, and this is her way of helping without embarassing him.

I would just ask her. If nothing else it will show her that you are willing to talk to her about problems and may help your relationship grow. I would however suggest treading lightly. I know that Mom's tend to get defensive when their decisions are called into question.

Let us know how it all turns out.

I think you need to look at this from a different angle. Your husband just retired. Enjoy him, renew your love & life together. I think she may be considering you and your husband and wanting you to have your retirement "time" together. You & your husband did your job, you busted butt & raised your kids. Go on a cruse and enjoy. My children range from 31 to 11. I also have 7 grand children and an extremely tight relationship with my children. I sit often and do what I can when I can. But, a back up plan must be play at all times. Even if she is being selfish or trying to prove a point to you, let her. Cutting off your nose to spite your face has never been a good plan. I think maybe you should let them enjoy their Uncle for a while. He's 27 and we both know through experience that this to will come to an end. Childcare WILL grow old the first time he's smitten by some pretty thing or when the 13 year old starts to express independence and wants to go to that "party" that all the friends go to and Uncle wonderful says NO or when flu season hits and there are fevers to tend to and vomit to clean up and sleepless nights. Sit back and let life take its course and in the mean time enjoy your time off. Remember you are grandma & grandpa and besides mom & dad NO ONE beats that!

Hi,

I am sure your DIL did not mean to hurt your feelings. She probably just figured that she did not want you to have to complicate your life helping out with her kids. If it bothers you this much, I would talk to her. She probably is not even aware that she hurt you. HTH. Good luck!

S.

Hi, B..

If you've always had a good relationship with your DIL, don't assume that she's trying to shut you out by having the kids' uncle stay with them. She may be making an effort to be considerate of you. With your husband recently retired, she may think you'd want more free time for him. The only way to know for sure is to talk with her. Invite her to lunch or dinner (just the 2 of you) someplace neutral so she won't feel defensive. You definitely don't want to let this build up inside.

I hope this helps.

This isn't a power issue or insecurity. This was a decision made by the parents and it's something you need to respect. If you're bothered by it or don't understand then you should talk to her and your son openly about it and clear the air.

Perhaps your dil thinks she is doing you a favor, perhaps she thinks it is a little too much for you.sometomes it can be. You do no mention your age, but i am 69 and sometimes baby- sitting too often can be wearing. Maybe she is looking out for you instead of slighting you.C. b.

I am not a mother in law YET, but I am an aunt, and maybe this is something as simple as the uncle having the time to spend with them and enjoy them like you do. I always treasured the time my nieces and nephews came to stay with me in the summer. I didn't live close enough to spend the night and babysit but I would have loved to. Children can never have enough people love them. Plus, maybe your DIL doesn't want you to have to spend the night away from your husband or take time away from him. You did say you work full time. I always try to think positive in these kinds of situations, and try not to take offense in case none was intended. You can always plan to take the kids for an evening or stay with them when the parents don't need you. It would give them free time not connected to their jobs. They would probably appreciate that, and you will get to spend time with the kids on your terms, meaning when you WANT to, not when you HAVE to. Win-win for everybody.

Since I don't know your previous relationship with her it is unclear if she is close to you in a friendship way or if she has respect for you as her mother in law. And I don't understand if the 27 year old male is her brother, or who he is. That would help. But in the meantime does she understand that this hurts you? Maybe she doesn't want to bother you. Could she not understand that you moved there just so you can be there. I'll bet the 27 year old would be glad to give up his babysitting time completely. That's the time that he should be out sowing his wild oats So unless he is in an internship for an Education degree no 27 year old in his right mind prefers to spend nights babysitting for a bunch of little children when he could be out on the town or studying for that Education degree. Maybe he is getting free room and board out of the deal. How about talking to him first. Get to know what he's exactly doing there anyway. He might gladly hand over the keys to the house and hightail it out of there. So bottom line, you could talk to her lightly about this or perhaps even direct her to this site. Although she might not get it very clearly eventually you will probably get what you want and I have a hunch you will make one 27 year old young man very happy. S.

B., maybe your son and daughter-in-law felt that they were taking up too much of your time especially now that your husband has retired.

I suggest you ask them. "I am curious. .......?"

M.
Grandmother of 3
www.super-science-fair-projects.com

This to me sounds like a power issue on your part. Why would you feel like this? Why not be happy that your daughter-i-l and son have someone that loves the kids and willing to help them out? You are the one who lived away, so they needed the help, now that you are back, the uncle should not be cut out, wouldn't that hurt his feelings? Think about it from the others point of view, maybe talk to your d-i-l about spending more time with them other times.

I think you should just chat with her and explain how much you would like to help out. Maybe she thinks that it would be too much for you to do since you already work full time. Since I am 50 and have a horrible relationship with my mother-in-law because they won't talk to me, I really see the value in just getting it out there. maybe you can invite her to lunch "just the two of you" go shopping etc. and just chat!

Don't have time to read all the responses but you should tell your DIL that you want to do this for her. My mom and MIL have made it clear they do NOT want to spend their time babysitting so I don't ask unless I have to. She may just be afraid to burden you too much. Just communicate your feelings and then leave it up to her. Good luck.

As a daughter who is very close to my mother and my mother is really the only babysitter I have, I would say she may be just trying to take the pressure off of you. Maybe she figures she's taking advantage and wants you to be able to enjoy your retirement. I know I feel bad when I ask my mom to babysit more then twice in a month. I realize she has things she wants to do. Talk to her about and maybe just reassure her that you enjoy this time with your grandchildren and want as much of it as possible. She should take no offense to that. Every parent wants their children to have as much loving family around as possible.

Hi B.,

I can only give ideas and options based off of my own experience. I too, have a mother in-law who loves my children as well as my mother. My children are 5 and 3 years of age and my in-laws live only 5 minutes away from my husband and I, my mother lives 20 minutes away. When my husband and I have needed some over night assistance with the children, neither set of grandparents have denied us the help, we have had times where we needed for them to come spend the night at our home and we have met with resistance. It's not easy packing up all of the essentials for one overnight stay, which could be the case for your son and daughter in-law. Please have a conversation with them about your degree of willingness to help in these types of circumstances.

Since you've always had a good relationship with your D-I-L I would say that it isn't an attempt to hurt you in any way. It's great that they have a young uncle who can help out and have a great relationship with them, uncle relationships are great resources to have for kids.

I personally don't have that great of relationship with my MIL and I've tried to make it clear to her from day one that she won't be a daily feature in my children's life. I would hope that she respects that, and understands that we want our children to have many people that they can turn to. And that GM is not a parent but a fun person they see on special outings or occasions.

I bought my MIL the book Granny Diaries when we found out we were having a child, and it has great advice from a grandmother on how to tread carefully on the Mom's territory. This just really sounds like she is including more people into her children's life and that is a blessing!

Hi B.,

Maybe your daughter in law doesn't want you to feel that she is taking advantage? Or, maybe she thinks that it is getting too much for you, and that having the uncle help is taking some of the pressure off of you? I would talk to her just to clear the air. Just let her know in LOVE that you enjoy the times with the children and that you don't mind it at all. Maybe she is just feeling that she is asking too much of you. Don't keep it in and let it build until it effects your relationship.

Hope this helps.

K.

Ask her. She probably doesn't want you to feel like she's taking advantage of you or imposing on you.

I think it's wonderful that you want to do so much for your grand children. I'm envious. My MIL has made it clear to us that she is "done raising her children" and wants no part of watching our daughters occasionally or even visiting with them the few times we do see them. Her and FIL watch her daughter's kids (similar ages to ours) all the time, and even go on vacation with them.
~sigh~

I am having a hard time understanding why you are hurt by this. It doesnt sound like she wants the uncle to be so involved and not you. perhaps she is just trying to help you because you work full time. I would not say anything to her that my cause conflict. I think you should take a step back and ask yourself if you are feeling rationale. your grand kids are so lucky to have you and an uncle who loves them so much!

I agree with many of the responses received so far. I have another thought as well. I bet this 27 year old uncle plays catch, video games, watches some of the same programs, can relate to some of the issues going on at school. He probably seems pretty cool to these teens. Of course, he can never take the place of a grandparent. Let your DIL know you are available if the uncle is not able to babysit once in a while.