Help for a New Grandma!

Oh, why couldn't you have been my MIL? lol

Lasagne, beef stew, chili...all good things...and good to reheat when needed.

You could also get her some good books to read while feeding or rocking the baby, or get her some of her favorite movies for her to watch while doing those.

Best thing anyone ever did for me (my MIL from out of town) was clean my house, cook me food, take care of my animals, and just be there for me without giving me advice. I found that the way things were done back when she had babies were completely different than nowadays anyways.
Also she went to the store many times for us and made many batches of casseroles and muffins to put in the freezer for when all the relatives were gone and we didn't have any help anymore and needed a meal we could just stick in the oven. What a lifesaver! Also she helped me put stuff in the baby book, do laundry. All of it was such a help! Notice I didn't say anything about helping with the baby...some new mom's want help with holding and changing the diapers and some want the baby all to themselves so just depends on what kind of personality she has. I didn't want anyone to help me w/ the baby too much except to help soothe--grandma's are so good at that :) Good luck!

You are the best! I think the most help I had was meal time. I could not even think straight and forgot to eat so knowing that was just taken care of was very helpful. you might also freeze some things for them so they have something quick. Laundry and basic housecleaning was huge to! Even just vacumming while I was a dr appt was nice. You are so sweet to plan so much and take then into consideration!

I didn't read what others wrote becaue their were so many, but I just had my second baby and know what help I needed and what help I didn't need. She may not want what I wanted. I wanted my house cleaned. I was so swollen and uncomfortable for months before my son was born that I couldn't clean everything I wanted (dusting blinds, fans, etc.) I wanted homemade meals in my freezer. I wanted my husband not to have to do all this because he wanted to spend time w/ the family too. I wanted to feel better- be able to take a shower, have my nails done, get a new outfit that fit me. I would have loved if someone offered to buy me a pedicure while they held my son right next to me (or outside the window because nail places usually stink.) I didn't want to leave my son for a while. It would have been nice if someone would have been there to calm my crying baby in the middle of the night so I (and my husband) could sleep. I wanted sleep in the day, sometimes this involves a babysitter during the day. Before you do anything, I would ask what she wants and how she wants it. It drove me crazy that my mom used the hand towel to dry dishes and folded my clothes so wrinkles were left in them. Some things I re-did. Congratulations

Simple advice: talk to your son and let him present the idea to his wife. Then see how they need you to help and even how long a visit and when is convenient with them.

Your DIL may already be dealing with how to tell her mom that she really doesn't want her around for as long as she's planning to stay. The first baby is a very special time for the parents and the baby as well as the extended family. It's when two welcome something they have created and become a family rather than a couple.

I loved having my family come to visit with us and the baby, but we also loved the time we spent alone just learning about this new creature, how to care for it, and how it would change our family.

What a sweet mother in law you are. The fact that you acknowledge the situation is remarkable. Staying in a hotel to not impose...exceptional. Keep up the good job of being sensitive to the surroundings and you'll be a huge treasure to everyone.

Goodness you have gotten such wonderful advice already... I would ask the new Mom and Dad how you can be of help... I would also talk with the other Grandmother and see if you all could switch out on helping each other -and plan a schedule that allows you both to help,for she too will get tired and might love the help you offer. It might be a time when you both can get to know each other better if you already do not. I think that the idea of making and freezing food is great... I did this for myself, and froze the meals in metal pans and then removed to large freezer bags also. This was a great help to myself, that way I could just pop them into a pan and cook. Little did I know that my third son was going to have collic... Oh, boy. My first had it and I had forgotten how tired and miserable life can be after weeks of collic... It is undescrible and the frozen meals were a God send. Also do and try not to be an overbearing Grandmother - Ha... My Step-Mother who lives very close by would come over and (she had a key) would just come in quietly of course, but made me feel uneasy and I could not relax after having my father walk into the bedroom while I was nursing... I guess this angered me more than anything, Not knowing when she would come and walk in. My brother explained nicely to her and the situation stopped... I know she meant well, but once I got woken up from nap (much needed) I usually could not go back to sleep. Do what they would like you to do and help when you can - it is so nice having loving Grandparents that want to help. They will always remember your love and willingness to help at this special time in their lives... Don't forget to take your camera... God Bless.

HI!
i felt very compelled to write you b/c i also had pre-eclampsia. It can very dangerous...i went into renal failure b/c of it...my son was 8 weeks early! I can tell you if anything happens, they will do a c-section and deliver her baby but i pray she's only mild (i was only mild and then severe in a matter of days....renal failure in hours). I was so grateful for help with housecleaning...cooking, errand running, taking me to pick up meds etc. My situation sounds a lot more severe than hers so i bet house work and meals will be of great help! I know at my house laundry backs up!!! :) I pray all goes well with her but if not, please feel free to contact me for anything at all!
take care
S.

Congratulaytions! It is going to be fun for you, being a grammy...

When I had my kids, I did not want anyone staying at my house, and only an hour or two of visiting each day would have been nice. You could ask your DIL if you could help out around the house while she takes a nap. DO NOT offer any advice...if she asks for some, then keep it limited to one answer to the one question. It is good to be interested, but don't act too eager, as it can be annoying to a mom who gave birth within the first 3 or 4 weeks. Silently enjoy seeing your son as a dad...it is annoying to be the DIL and see her MIL being too outwardly over joyed about her son, since he is now married to her.
I hate to sound like you need to be stepping around eggshells, but it is a kinda that way.
That being said, all girls are different.
Helping out around the house is good, but I don't like my MIL to do my laundry, and I only like her to do dishes if she will take care to put them in the correct place (leave them on the counter if you don't know where they go)
Just remember that your DIL is overwhelmed...even if she doesn't seem to be.
Quiet, peaceful, and calm are good things, when you just had a baby...even if you feel excited and overjoyed...not too many questions.
Enjoy your new grandbaby!
Take care.

When I had my mom's first grandchild she lived in Kansas and I lived here. My MIL lived here also so my mom and sister stayed with my husband and I and his mother was close by if needed. My mom helped by making sure the fridge ahd plenty of drinks and food. I don't remember any specific food but just the fact that I didn't have to worry was enough for me, I ate what she made. She also made some things just to put in the fridge for the first few days after she left. I also remember it was nice to have her and my sister around to take my son if I (or my husband) needed a nap or a shower. They kept things picked up and tidy. They kept bottles clean and helped organize everything we brought home from the hospital. I would just suggest be there when help is needed. Once you're there you will be able to find things to do, even little things that are helpful.

While all that was incredibly wonderful and helpful the thing I remember most was the moments when one of them held my son and I got to see the love they had for him and the fact that they were there with me and my husband (even if they had done nothing) it was enough for me!

Congratulations!

How wonderful!
Ask your son if they mind both of you there at the same time.
Ask them to make a schedule for the two of you.
things that will need done, who will cook tonight, who will do this and that, what they don't want done, so no ones toes will be stepped on.
I would have loved for both of mine to be with me, the more help the better. My mil was more work than help. My mother refused to be there with her there. She wanted to run my baby's schedule. She tried to hold him the whole time and tell me when I needed to hold him and when I needed to nurse. Yes, she actually told me I didn't need to hold him and she wouldn't give him to me!
I had a c-section and wasn't able to "get him", I had to wait for him to be given to me and geez...I had to get on to my hubby to get on to his mother. Stress that was not needed. Ask what you can do and not do for her. I didn't need her to rearrange my kitchen but cleaning it was wonderful. Having her cook was the best though. What she was respectful and nice about I really appreciated but it was overshadowed so much by the bad that I didn't want her near me for the second. They didn't stay with us for #2 but she still got to me. In my hospital room, hubby, son, fil, went to get something to eat, she stayed to hold the baby and let me sleep. Everytime I nodded off she would move herself in her sqeaky loud chair and say sorry. The only noisy chair and she never moved to another so I never got to nap. All is fair though, when hubby asked how I napped I simply told him I didn't because his mother kept squeaking her chair.lol An entirely different issue with us, her saying things or doing things when no one else is around.

So my point is,
everyone get along
map out responsibilites (my b.i.l. did this, after I forwarned him, for his baby for their Moms and it worked out wonderfully)
give them privacy when they need it and Mom's when then need it more!

Good luck and God Bless!

Definately congrats to you!! How wonderful.

Here's my 2 cents. We are in the same situation as you are. My parents live here, and my husband, who is an only child, his parents live in another state. I had a lot of anxiety when I had my first son.

My stepdaughter was coming for the summer, so I had to come up with some things to entertain her, and I was due in 4 days. My mother in law called and said she would be coming the week after the baby arrived. The problem here was - she just told us she was coming - she didn't ask if it was ok or if we'd be ready for company. We already had an awfully big adjustment with a new baby and a 13 year old visiting.

But, I kept my big mouth shut, and in came MIL. Well, all she wanted to do was hold the baby. SHe was very irritated that she couldn't feed him (I exclusively breast fed for a year). Things were very tense because I felt like i needed to entertain everyone and make dinners, etc when all I really wanted to do was hold my son. But, I felt like every time I sat down with him, unless i was nursing, someone would "rip" him out of my hands.

Anyway, not to be a downer here, but, I would really talk it over with your DIL, not your son - as I'm sure he would not want to hurt your feelings. It took me about 2 months to actually want anyone else to hold my son.

Also, as the other people have suggested - just be really helpful and understand that - although you have been waiting to hold your grandbaby for 9 months, so has your DIL and that first few weeks bonding time is really important.

I hope it all works out great!! Also, like the other folks said - if the other grandma is there - it could be stressful with everyone wanting to help.

I just had to respond and tell you how refreshing it is for a grandma/MIL to be so interested in actually helping instead of invading. My MIL has been AWFUL in that area. My advice is to ask exactly what they need and respond accordingly. Like, if they need dishes done, ask if you can do them and assure your DIL that you will do them the way she does and not your way because "you're just trying to help". What I mean is, if someone comes into "help" and they jsut do things their own way without considering the person they are helping, it turns out to be no help at all, strains the relationship and then the one being helped has to do things over her own way anyway. Especially in the case of a first child. She will undoubtedly be nervous and anything that can be in order will help her remain focused on her child. You are so great asking this! She is so lucky to have a MIL that cares. Congratulations and good luck!

One hand dipping meals!
Anything that does not have to do with the baby: laundry, thank you notes, meals, clean, etc. They will appreciate you so much, and you'll still get plenty of time with your precious baby! And, don't be too sensitive, sometimes new moms hurt feelings without meaning to... Congratulations!

First off, congratulations on the upcoming birth of your first grandbaby. How exciting! I hope she has no further complications with her pregnancy.

As for how to best help and stay out of the way? That really depends on your son and dil. Unfortunately, her mom will probably end up doing most things. Hopefully you guys have a good relationship and can all communicate effectively enough to all get in your grandma time without getting in the way. It doesn't really sound like you will get in the way. You are being so considerate to stay in a hotel and not just expect to stay at their home.

I would find out from your son and dil what her favorite meal is. You could get or bake a birthday cake for your grandson to have when she comes home. That would be fun.

Sounds like your son and dil are lucky folks to have you. Have a safe trip and enjoy your new grandson!

I haven't read anyone else's responses but what would really help her out is to keep her house clean and laundry done. There is nothing worse than to have to worry about that stuff when you are a new mommy. I realize that her mom will be there but you are his mom and also the grandmother and have as much right to be there as the other mom. Congrats on being a new grandmother. You are going to love it.

I have a different opinion here..... My husband and I were not on good terms with my mother (plane ticket away) during our courtship and then pregnancy about 7 yrs later. His parents are out of the picture. I would have cringed if my controlling mother had been around.

We personally enjoyed being in our home alone and bonding with our daughter. I had some wonderful neighbors who brought food for about 2 weeks for dinner. I never expected that because I had no baby shower or anything. We have always done everything ourselves and relied on no one to help.

We treasured our time and we still do.

It is nice that you care so much, Congratulations.

You are a wonderful woman and your DIL is so fortunate to have you! Congrats on your first grandbaby, what a joy! One thing my Mom did for me that was wonderful was take the baby as soon as I nursed so I could get some rest. She would diaper, play, rock, whatever. I was on complete bedrest my entire pregnancy (5 miscarriages) to get my precious blessing here. I was weak and my daughter took awhile to get the hang of nursing. Another helpful thing would be to cook some meals ahead (soups, spag., chili,etc) to freeze. Then when she has a few sleepless nights she can reach into her frig (hopefully after her mom has left) and have a great dinner ready with little effort or planning. Another great idea is to get gift cards to local restaurants to use for such occasions. One of the things that tasted so good to me was fresh fruit, Mom always made my favorite, sliced strawberries, bananana and pineapple. You're exactly right, your son needs you there too. Hopefully everyone will get along to welcome this new angel into your family. Again, congrats. You are a very special, caring woman!

Blessings!
L.

All I can say is, tread lightly. Your DIL may or may not want extra help right now. I know that when I had my kids, both of my moms (mom and MIL) were welcome, but if they had both been there at the same time it would have been stressful for me. I know you really really want to be there to see your grandchild and your son, but (and I say this with all the love in the world) right now it is not about you. It is about that baby, and the bond the baby will have with his/her mother and father. Try to give them some space to make this brand new "family" bond. Also try to understand, if your DIL is anything like me, she might really need the relationship of her own mother at this very new confusing time in her life.

If you are coming up, no matter what, I would just try to talk to the other mom and cover the bases with her, so that you aren't both planning to do the same jobs.

I hope I haven't offended you - I am just speaking from the point of view of a woman who's had 4 children and wonderful support from both of my moms.

Whatever you do will be great! Your attitude is perfect. I wish my MIL was like yo!u!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Get in touch with your DIL's mom. Work out a schedule maybe she could help your DIL with baby duties and you take care of kitchen or laundry. I realize its her daughter, but daddy is your son and you have just as much right to be there as her.

Good luck & congratulations!

I know you've received tons of advice, but the biggest help I received when I had my last son was from my in-laws. While I was in the hospital, after being on bedrest and unable to do anything, my in-laws came over and vacuumed and did the dishes and just straightened things. We came home to a nice clean house. It was a beautiful thing! Don't over-clean because they'll get frusterated when they can't find things. Food is an amazing help. Don't stand over them and force them to eat, but make it available when they are ready. A gentle reminder helps though as you tend for forget about your needs when you're taking care of baby so if there's a meal made around mealtime, they'll eat! The only other advice is just to keep up with dishes and laundry. These can easily get backed up and the rest can wait! Understand that their attention will be on the baby so just hang out in the background and offer to take the baby after it's been fed so they can nap!

honestly, i think if you come for the birth the best thing you can do is take care of your son. make sure he has food while your dil is in the hospital. her mom will be there and she can take care of her. i wish my mil could have been there for our son's birth but she lives across the country. my parents tried to take care of me and my husband and it would have been nice to have his mom there too. good luck and congrats!!!

The things that were the most helpful to me were the practical things...clean around the house, laundry, shopping. My mom also made a bunch of meals that were freezer friendly so when she left, I could pull stuff out of the freezer and have ready to eat main dishes. It was especially difficult for me to ask for help, so just doing it was a blessing. Also, taking the baby after she was fed and letting me get some rest or a shower were extremely helpful, but difficult for me to do. I felt like I or my husband had to be the sole caregiver with my first child and it was difficult to let anyone else care for her so I could sleep or get clean. Just be patient and do as much as she will allow. But most of all, enjoy the new baby!

You could write their thank you notes, do laundry, clean house, and do an afternoon feeding while your DIL sleeps. Cooking is great b/c that is the last thing they will be thinking about. If they have a dog or a cat take over feeding the animal or letting them out side. The main thing is helping your DIL as much as possible and making her feel important as a new mom. My mother in law helped me tremendously however I think she was more worried about my husband getting a good nights sleep than me. Don't offer advice unless asked new mom's want to learn on their own. They don't want to be told what to do. That is my best advice.

My advice is no matter how bad you want to see your 1st grandbaby let them tell you when they want you to come visit. If this is their first baby they will be completely overwhelmed and having extra people there sometimes makes it more overwhelming even though everyone has good intentions. From my experiences, you should make it known you are very eager to come up but will wait until they give you the word. Believe me, they will remember this act of kindness and understanding for a lifetime!

When you do get there, making meals, cleaning up the house, waking up in the middle of the night when you hear the baby cry would be a world of help. After having my two kids, my grandma came out about a week after they were born and stayed with us for about a 3-4 weeks and her gift was clean, cook, wash, and rock the baby when she was crying and I needed a break. I will always remember her coming out to help, but I will also remember the fact that she gave us about a week after we had the baby. I didnt understand it at first but she told me that all I would want to do was hold the baby and sleep with her especially since the first week is when the little ones are most sleepy and calm. Its week 2 + that is gets a little crazy! I hope this helps! Good Luck and Congratulations!

I love my mother-in-law but she can be way too helpful! What ever your DIL hates to do- mine is laundry -do that! Love on the baby and do not ever except her to get up and show you where things go ask your son!

Hi P., congrats on the new baby's impending arrival! How exciting. I'm a grandma of three (19 month old twin boys and their 5 month old brother) and it is such a blessing.

It would be lovely for your son and DIL if you took care of so "behind the scenes" details. When my daughter had the twins, her boyfriend's mom cleaned the whole house from top to bottom while mommy and boys were still in the hospital. My daughter really appreciated that. Also, his mom filled up the pantry and fridge with different and interesting foods that could be fixed in a flash, and she filled a couple of shelves in the garage with extra paper towels, paper plates, toilet paper, etc. My daughter and her boyfriend were quite stretched for cash so that was a wonderful surprise for them, much nicer than receiving cash or a gift card. She also cooked a few meals that could be frozen, and did the laundry as much as possible. She was a Godsend. My daughter, her boyfriend, and I were exhausted from taking care of twin infants round the clock and she took good care of all of us that first couple of weeks. (I stayed three weeks.)

I've found since then that the best thing is just to make yourself available. Even though your DIL's mom will be there, you'll be needed and wanted too, I'm sure!

Best of luck!
K.

I've had 3 kids, all born within 4 years. The best help I ever got was cooking & cleaning (especially laundry). I really wanted to bond with my child, but my MIL was a post-partum nurse. She always wanted to take the baby and lay him in his crib. Her hovering really bothered me. My mom on the other hand let me learn how to nurse, change, etc on my own while she cooked and cleaned for a couple of weeks. In winter the best thing for a recovering new mom is nutrient packed soups, easy to eat complete nutrition that can be easily re-heated in case baby calls during mealtimes.

K.

As the dil...i say ask! My mil cam eover and tried to help but re-arranged my house and threw out things..papers etc... Fo course she was trying to help and my husband was very protective of his mothers feelings...stating she is jsut tryign to help. My comment was always, why doesn't she ask me what i'd like done. When i came home from the hospital i was ready to do the real' play house' thing. I had made meals in advance and froze them so when my husband came home from work there we were...the new family, dinner ready but it never worked out that way. I woudl get up at 5:00 ish for a feeding and mil who lived down teh street saw teh light on and ran down to see the baby. The early feeding was to be a quick one for me, to set her schedule, eat and go back to sleep. She came in with bells on, turne don all the lights, played with maysi and settled in withthe tv. It drove me nuts. Anyway, my husband finally had enough and put his foot down. Anyway...sorry had to vent a little. It really sounds like you are thinking ahead and about the sutuation. I think food is always a great gift but be sure to see what the plans are when you get there. And again, ask. I woudl have loved for my mil to go to the store for me. I also know that everyone mainly wants to hold the baby and goo over her and i never really minded that part....just respect of times and shut doors. Since you are driving in i'd try to visit as much as you can. Who knows your dil maybe a lot nicer than me and want you to help with laundry, and watch the new blessing while she runs to the store alone. Good luck and enjoy!!!

I had two babies; one just recently. Food, food, food!!! That was the best thing! I always let people come over if they said they were bringing dinner. I am sure that her mom will be doing laundry and helping to care for the baby. However, they probably won't be able to think about preparing a meal. We loved any food... lasgna, salad. Also, you may just want to order food b/c keeping the house tidy and not having to clean up after dinner; or see the mess might be the best option for the new mother. Also, offer to change a diaper (that was awesome!) Make sure you get your flu shot and pertussis shot so that you are not at risk of transmitting these diseases to the new baby. These are very serious diseases in a baby. I made sure that my parents and in-laws were up to date on recommended shots.

Also, I am sure that you won't do this; however, my in-laws never gave me notice before coming over. Just call before coming over b/c it could be a bad day for the new mom and she may not want to get dressed. Also, I read some of the other comments about holding the baby. I think my in-laws did that to; however, I know it was b/c they really didn't know what else to do. They don't feel as comfortable with me as my mom does. You are so thoughtful to stay in a motel/hotel... i think you will be a blessing!!!! Good luck, congrats!!!!

Congratulations! OK, I'm going to be blunt...

When my brother had their first baby they asked for help...but not specific as to what it was. I figured it was to take the baby and hold her as much as possible. BUT, now that I have had my own I understand that they WANTED to hold and care for the baby, but not the other stuff.

I wish I would have realized that they didn't want me "hogging" the baby the whole time.

If you do go, just assume that you will not be holding the baby that much. Only hold the baby when they ask you to do so. Cooking, cleaning, etc. Make a list of things you see that they need and get them.

Congratulations again! You can tell already that you are going to be a good grandma by asking advice on here...

I agree with the others who suggested giving the new parents a week alone with the baby. They need the time to bond and get used to being parents. Then, believe me, they'll be so exhausted, they'll greet you like a queen when you come to help! :)

Doing laundry is huge. I had no idea little babies went through so much laundry. One-handed meals are another great thing. I practically lived on sandwiches and fruit during the first couple of months because I could eat them with one hand. If you can stock the freezer with little packets of lunch meat and bread, that would be very helpful.

Congratulations on becoming a grandma. You and your family are so blessed, and you are a nice lady to want to go help out.

Congrats again on being a first time grandma!!!
I just had my first 5 months ago and I have to admit the first 2-3 days home are hard and I thought very nice to have private with my hubby. I had a c-section so once my hubby went back to work I loved having my mom and MIL helping out since I could barely bend over. Just be understanding about the whole breast feeding thing. I was very uncomfortable doing it in front of my MIL but of ocurse not my mom. my mother in law made lots of meals (put lots of things int he freezer with directions typed out for me so when I pulled them out later I knew what to do like put in oven at 350 for 30 minutes) those are easiest. Some of the meals I loved were the chicken tacos (like pull apart chicken) which was so yummy and healthy while breastfeeding. Also if she lets you do their laundry and the babies laundry.. I loved that too. Honestly just be there for when she needs a break and wants to take a nap. Be honest with your DIL and say you just want to help with anything you can but don't want to get in her way...She will love every minute of your help trust me....Also since she sounds like a first time mom she will porbably need someone to run to Target to get those things that she clearly needed but never registered for. Burp cloths (just buy a pack of 6 diaper clothes at Target and they are great), all different kinds of diapers as you never know which brand will work for theb aby, breast pads (for when she leaks)..etc...Good luck!!!

offer to clean the bathroom (especially the tub!) I know from about 7 months pregnant on there was no way I could get down and clean the toilet and tub!
One thing that stressed me out with both sets of grandparents there was that one of the grandmothers was a baby hog! So try not to be that one :)
It's always harder to be the mother in law, but it sounds like you have a great attitude and perspective. Good luck!

Maybe you should venture up with your family around New Years. This way your son/DIL can go out for the evening without any worries. If there's going to be people around initially, I would wait till after Christmas to visit. Having people around after having a baby can be overwhelming... Personnally, I liked taking care of my baby by myself without the in-laws/immediate family. I have also heard others state the same thing. What you and your immediate family could do is write letters to the new parents/grandbaby stating your days of waiting for the babies birth and the excitement of having a new addition to the family. There's a book by I think Billy Crystal.. I loved you before I knew you... Or something like that. You could probably go to www.amazon.com and locate it. Cute story.

I think this is wonderful you want to help and are trying to get input from others on how to help. Well, I suggest asking her first when you get there. If there's something specifically you can do for her. Get something from the store, take something back that needs to be exchanged (baby gifts?), etc. And don't take no for an answer. keep asking.

At first, when she first gets home, she'll probably feel like she can handle it. But it won't take long before she'll realize she needs help. I remember my MIL asking us if we needed anything every time she called us. Finally, I asked her to pick up some fruit for me because I was sooo constipated (typical for post-delivery) ... I was in so much pain. Fruit and fruit juice helped me so much!

When my mom came over, she helped me soooo much by doing the laundry, cleaning the dishes, vacuuming when the baby was awake, making sandwiches. She was a life-saver for me those days. Sometimes she would take the baby for me so I could nap -- oh that was heaven! Or she would take the baby so I could go get my hair done -- which really makes a new mom feel rejuvenated again!

Not sure if she's breastfeeding, but if she is, help her stock up on breast pads, and nipple lotion. You don't realize how much you use those things until you start breastfeeding. Ouch! And realize that baby is on his/her own schedule ... don't expect to hold or feed the baby on your own schedule. If you get to the house, and the baby is feeding (which can be 45 mins long!) then that means you'll need to wait. This happened a lot when my MIL would just stop by when she wanted or even try to schedule a time that was good to stop by ... well that didn't always work ... the baby doesn't have a good, reliable schedule in the beginning at all. feeding times/sleep times are chaotic and usually you cannot predict that.

As for food, i guess it just depends on what she likes. I liked homemade comfort food ... roast with potatoes/carrots; chicken pot pie; chicken casseroles. warm meals were really nice!
Congratulations!! This is such an exciting time for a family!!

Congratulations, grandma! Speaking from experience, after I had my babies, I just wanted to be ALONE! I wanted to be able to bond with my babies and husband as a family without in-laws constantly messing around the house (even if it was cleaning or cooking). When I had my babies, we lived near our families, so they went home when asked and backed off when asked... but now we live in another state, and I am nervous about this exact situation when/if I have another child. After weeks of company, your daughter in law will be ready to pull her hair out! I hope that her parents are willing to get a hotel if need be and give them a break here and there to just be alone and bond. If I were you, the best way you could help would be to have this conversation with them ahead of time so that they can encourage them to get a hotel (even if it is just for a few days when they need a break). Getting it all out in the open and having them understand feelings will be better than a breakdown. If you just go up for the delivery, love your grandbaby, then you should be fine. Just don't harp on the mom! Don't ask her a million times "do you need anything, how are you"... quiet time is important! You don't always have to be doing something!! Instead of making a racket in her kitchen by cooking, go out and purchase them meals... that way the house stays clean and quiet! After a day or two, you'll be all caught up, so don't feel the need to constantly engage them in conversation. I know that some of this might sound rude, but it is just natural that a mother would want to bond with her child and would need some quiet rest time in order to recover from delivery. Just don't take any of it personally! And the longer you wait to visit after the other company, the better it will be! Families need an adjustment period. Congrats again!!

Unless SHE asked for your help, do not attempt to help. Being a first time Mom she is going to be full of all kinds of emotions and the last thing she will need is two Moms telling her HOW to take care of a new baby.

D.
SAHM of three:19,18, and 5.
Home Baker,Crafter,and Candy Maker. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

Dear P.,
Congratulations! I know that you must be so very excited! I would really make sure that it is okay that you follow through with these plans. I don't mean to be insensitive, but the new parents to be may truly prefer to have limited visitors at a time so they can also adjust. I am not trying to offend, just encouraging you to look at it from their perspective too so that there are no hard feelings during an exciting time.

I will tell you that my best "help" after I was born came when my sister came to visit. She did all of our laundry for us. She also encouraged my husband and I to go to bed early, then she stayed up late to do that first feeding (around midnight) for us. That gave us both a solid 6 hours of sleep at a time which was such a blessing. (If she is nursing that won't work really-- my girls were adopted so bottles were the only option for me.)

Some of the relatives that came to help wanted to 'help" just with the baby-- hold the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, and I was busy preparing meals for extra people. That was not quite so helpful, particularly since they had to come from a great distance and brought another couple with them, so I was cooking meals all day for 6 adults. I was pretty overwhelmed and missing out on just being with my baby.

If they have a freezer, making dishes ahead and stocking her freezer after the help is gone would also be a big help.

Congratulations!
A.

How thoughtful that you are there to help but also respectful to stay at a hotel!

Here is a tip on freezing meals that I use for myself. Buy the cake-size foil pans and when you make something you can divide it in half (one 1/2 for each pan). Then cover with foil and write the directions on the foil. Those pans fit perfectly in the large freezer bags and stack well. You could also buy some sides like bread and veggies to stock up the freezer as well.

Another thing my mom did to help us was to volunteer to do any errands, night feedings (if your kids and her mom need a break), laundry, etc.

Congrats!

My mom stayed with me for a week after my first baby and it was fantastic! She cooked and cleaned and ran errands. She did the laundry and just sat with me sometimes. I was very sick and couldn't do much for myself. She also let me nap- I couldn't breastfeed, so she could handle feedings if I was asleep. Since both grandmas will be there, maybe you two should coordinate a "job list". That way no one ends up with hurt feelings. Congratulations on becoming a grandma!

The thing that blessed me the most was having people do things around the house without me asking, especially changing the sheets on my bed every other day. I cried the first time I laid down in my clean soft sheets for a nap. I also appreciated that my dishes were always done, especially since there were extra people in the house for a few weeks. It was just great to have practical things done for me around the hosue without me having to ask, especially with my MIL, it is sometimes hard to ask your MIL to do things for you around the house because you aren't sure what her expectations are.
Congratulations on your grandbaby! I am sure that your DIL will just appreciate that you want to be there to celebrate with them. I hope that you have a great time!

I don't see why you would need to ask to go visit. I think it is a given that you would be there. I had both sets of parents when we had our son and it worked out great. The local parents where able to run and get things while the other helped cook and keep the house straightened. (I am a clean freak)
One of the things I wantedo eat was pot roast and potatoes. Enjoy that new baby. Congrats!!!

You know this may sound wierd but your dil may not know if she needs you yet.It being her first time she has no idea how tired she will be afterward.Let me tell you from experience I didnt really want anyone around till about a week after I had my baby.That is until I went in to labor and ended up having a c-section and could barely move without being in pain.I needed all the help I could get and thank god my mom didnt listen to me cause I dont know what I would have done without her.She cooked and helped with the baby so I could get in a couple of naps and helped with everything.You never know how you will feel until it happens.A mom just has this idea of this perfect little birth in her head and it doesnt always work out this way.Also for me the post partum depression hit right after I got home because I was in so much pain and so many pain killers I couldnt jump right in to being the perfect mom that I wanted to be so I was really depressed for a week or two after we came home.Point being you dil may not think she wants or needs help now but she may very well change her mind when it comes time to bring that little bundle of joy home so be in the background so you can surface if needed.Just keep in mind that her hormones will be crazy so she may very weel go off on you but dont take it personally I did my fair share of that too.LOL!Caongrats on the grandbaby

Hey P.! how sweet of you to want to help...and to be around your newest family member!! I have to agree w/some of the responses on holding back a little bit...because your DIL's mom will be there she will have all the help she needs/wants, plus that time alone w/her mom will allow her to have her emotional breakdowns that may come from lack of sleep/hormones/being overwhelmed...allow her that time to be completely vulnerable w/her mom...AND the time to learn how to breastfeed/bottle feed, diaper, bathe etc.
If you wait just a tad bit, you'll be able to truly see your son as a new daddy...remember, week one and two, how overwhelmed you were and how your husband was just figuring it out too? ALSO b/c they will have adjusted to their new "lack-of sleep" schedules they will be ALOT more willing when the baby is about three-four weeks old to let you do more (ie babysit, take mama out shopping w/the baby, wake up to let them sleep in and take the baby)
I remember feeling so overwhelmed by both my family, friends, and inlaws being present the moment that I got home...my inlaws did stay in a hotel...and bless their hearts, they were SO excited to see our newest addition but I was still uncomfortable w/breast feeding (which made the baby uncomfortable) and uncomfortable just being seen feeling pretty crummy! I promise if you give them just a little time they will appreciate (and be able to recognize) all that you have done for them as a gma!! Wouldn't you rather spend quiet time alone helping them when they really need you...the time when no one else thinks to come?
you are so sweet to want to be involved!! so many MIL's make life pretty miserable!! way to go! and congrats!

Clean the house! My parents came to visit a week after I had my baby and they wouldn't let me lift a finger. They did all the laundry, cleaned my house top to bottom, did all the cooking and took care of the baby while I rested. What a lifesaver.(If your daughter-in-law isn't nursing, you could offer to take the nightshift, too.) Those first few weeks of parenthood are like the twilight zone, so anything you can do to take the stress off them will be very appreciated, I'm sure. If nothing else, offer to watch the little one while your son and DIL go out on a date. You're a wonderful grandmother already! Congrats!

Let the new family have alone time for the 1st week, like the other mothers have said. This is true. I wished I had that when I came home from the hospital with my newborn. Come up during Christmas and stay whatever length of time you had planned. Helping with laundry, cooking, and cleaning are a big help but this was b/c I had a c-section and on bedrest. If your DIL had natural birth then she should be back to normal and helping to watch your new grandson so they can have time alone or eat w/o worrying about the baby is great. Good Luck and you're going to be a great grandma.

Hi P., congrats on your new grandbaby... here's my 2 cents. When we had our son, my sister-in-law came 3 weeks after the birth. At the time I was feeling better and besides helping around the house, she offered to stay with the baby for 1-2 hrs. so my husband and I could go and have a dinner. We didn't realize how stressed we were and how bad we were treating each other, mostly for the lack of sleep that we took the offer and went for a walk and talked, and it made wonders to the relationship. Of course, we came back home ASAP for we were worried about the baby, but it was a blessing to have her. After that, my MIL came over for a week and also, she told us to go on a date. My son was 1 month old so by that time he was in a "schedule", and believe me our relationship just got better with bothe, my husband and MIL. I don't know your relationship with your DIL, but before you fly over, call them. Remember you won't be only a visitor. Congrats!!!

"They really don't NEED for me to come help but I NEED to get up there to see not only my new grandchild but also my only son as a new daddy!"

Guess what? This isn't about what YOU need!

My MIL came to "help" after the baby was born and all she did was drink tea and dress the baby in outfits so she could take pictures to show her friends and family. Yes, she bought some groceries, but then sat back and let me and my partner make dinner for her! (This is only a few days after I had an emergency c-section.) It was "help" I could have done without.

It became very clear that her visit was not about what me or the baby needed; it was all about fulfilling HER needs to see the baby and HER needs to show off pictures of the baby on Facebook - never mind I was on pain meds with bleeding nipples! Nope, her needs came first. Then, 3 weeks later, she came around for Christmas dinner, which my partner and I again prepared, even though the baby was still waking every 2 hours to feed and we had had no sleep (and we told them this!!!)

She wanted to bring her in-laws round on New Year's Day too! ("Oh they really want to see the baby!" she said.) I finally snapped and my partner cancelled. Her behavior in those first few weeks has utterly ruined my formerly good opinion of her and I am reluctant to let her see the baby at all now.

Do not go down there to fulfill YOUR needs - talk to your DIL and ask what she wants; don't pressure her to accommodate a visit just to make you happy. This is a very stressful time for her without having to worry about yet more guests. (And why do your daughters need to be dragged there, too? Is she close to them? Leave the poor new family alone! The baby is not free entertainment for all your bored relatives!)

P., Congratulations on becoming a grandma. I promise you will love it!
Tha only thing I can add to the other responces is this. I don't know how well you know the MIL. If you don't I suggest you make a point of bonding with her (even if you have to bite your tongue a lot!) She can make your son's and DIL's life hell if she feels slighted or left out!
God bless!
D.

Dear P.,

Congrats, Grannie! It sounds as if you are trying to be as sensitive and accommodating as possible. I think you will be a perfect grandma. You should quit worrying and just enjoy! Be prepared to love that little guy like you've never loved anyone in your whole life. Your first grandchild is like a first love--all over again! May God bless all of you!

From one who knows,

Grannie Bebe

Tiffany M is right! My MIL and I still so not speak because of the way she acted during my pregnancy and right after my daughter was born. Like your son, my husband was 25 (and the baby of the family). His mother thought she was helpiing, but she repeatedly stepped on toes and crossed boundaries by not respecting our wishes. We tried counseling and time apart, but ultimately, my husband and I both agreed to cut her out of our lives to save our marriage. The sad part is she is mssing out on an adorable little girl, and my husband doesn't see his mom anymore (his choice, but still sad). Now, I am NOT saying you are this type! But I am saying that, sometimes good intentions escalate and casue unrepairable circumstances if grandparents are not respecting their grown childrens' decisions.preferences about their newly formed family. I PROMISE you that if you keep your space, offer help politely, refrain from guilt trips and really make your DIL feel in charge of her own household, what you will gain is another daughter for life AND a magical and special relationship with your grandbaby! I promise! I know it will be hard to step back when all you want to do is love on that angel, but try to remember how overwhelmed you felt with your first child, and remember that you did in deed already have 2 children to experience this with. Your son and DIL deserve the same, special first moments (or days, whatever they choose). This is a once in a lifetime chance for them to organize and get settled in to their family nest. I really commend you for reaching out for advice....it shows that you are open-minded and willing to learn from the experiences of others. Way to go, and ENJOY that baby!

Congratulations, P.! You are about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime! I see lots of joyful 14 hour drives in your future!

You need to get to know the other grandmother real well - there will be lots of communication between the two of you! I suggest you and she keep the baby for an evening and give your kids an evening out.

Doing laundry, keeping the house picked up is always good but it baby is a crier, you may find that not only the new mommy; but, the other grandmother, would like to take a nap too! Hence, you get to babysit! Just play it by ear. You will know what needs to be done and what will be a help. Just don't get so busy taking care of things that you miss time with the baby. Surprisingly, all those "things" won't even matter once the baby gets here!

Grandmas have smiles from ear to ear! Enjoy being a grandmother!

I think it is wonderful that you are thinking about this, and want to make this a smooth transition for all. My best advice is to let her have the baby, while you do the work. I felt a bit protective and even frustrated with so many people coming and taking my baby out of my arms. I loved it when I needed to rest for sure, but sometimes I just wanted to tell everyone to go home and let my husband and I have this time to ourselves:) But, my MIL came in and kept things clean for me..did laundry, cleaned the kitchen etc., and it was sooo great!! As far as meals, I loved things that were quick and easy. Someone made me homemade rolls and a fruit salad, and to this day I swear it was the best thing. I could eat it whenever I wanted, with one hand so that I could feed the baby too. And, I agree with plenty of drinks in the fridge for not only her, but the many guests that will be around. It is hard not to still feel like a hostess in your own home. Also, for sure no spicy food, even slightly spicy can be trouble. But quick snack foods, yummy sandwiches on tasty breads...a good breakfast was so wonderful. Maybe you could make up some muffins or pancakes and leave them in the freezer for a quick meal. Or if you have a great cookie that you make, you could make a batch or two of those, and freeze cookie dough balls for her own use any time. Just try not to give too much advice, or mention the dreaded words...."well, when I had little kids..." Certainly if she asks, be forthcoming, but even if you think you are being so helpful, it is so important for new moms to feel like their mothers and especially their MIL think they are doing a good job! It may mean she has to figure it out on her own, but it is good for your relationship with her to show her that you trust she can do this. I am sure that being a grandma is going to be the greatest thing, and it is so wonderful that you are trying to be so thoughtful of her feelings. You are gonna have a great time!! ~A.~

I am glad to hear that you have thought about staying in a hotel. I don't know how your relationship is with your DIL but that is really nice. Just try to be as helpful as you can without seeming like you are there at all. I remember with both of my sons I breast fed them and people would bring me spicy foods they had very sensitive tummys, so try to avoid those however on the can of Cambell's cream of mushroom soup there is a recipe for chicken and rice just don't put a lot of spices in it and it is easy and great. Oooow and don't forget dessert. Congrats on your new grand blessing.