What's with All the Bashing of In-laws?

That is because you have NORMAL inlaws. If you had to put up with crazy, evil, abusive ones you would understand.
I am happy for you and everyone who gets a second family when they marry. For many of us, it is very different.

I agree with Anne-Marie.

You have the distinct power of not reading a thread that does not apply to you.

I have absolutely nothing to add - other than I love my mother-in-law. I really just wanted to say -
Riley's back!!!yeah :-) I love reading her responses :-)

People need to vent.
People come here to vent.
It is 'safe' to vent here, anonymously so to speak.
And to get opinions.
It may seem like bashing, sometimes it is, but people need to vent.
Or just to commiserate. So they don't feel all alone and like they are the only one's having these problems.
It is cathartic.
It helps.

And people come here to get help for problems, as it is legitimate and needed for them. They need somewhere to go, to vent and get help or ideas.

It takes a village.
And 'we' are that village.

And some people, do not have anyone else, to go to for help. And it can be lonely and isolating.
Thank goodness, for this site.
It serves, a purpose.

That's why.

Thats the good part about an internet site. If you don't want to read it you don't open it. People complain about all kinds of people. Husband, kids, parents, neighbors ... If you want to read it you read it if not you ignore it. My husband is annoyed by my parents and I am annoyed by his. My husband is annoyed by me sometimes and he sure gets on my nervs sometimes. Its nice to vent somewhere once in a while. I think you get the picture. :)

I don't think there's any more in-law bashing this week than there was last week or the week before - it's a major theme on Mamapedia. Same as with any question out there regarding relationships, people need a safe place to air their grievances and find others that can either relate or help them see other perspectives. Pretty much with any question out there, if it's of no interest to me, I won't read it or write an answer to it. But I would never hold it against the person asking it. We have a right to ask anything we want (within Mamapedia's rules, of course), just as we have a right to not answer or even like every question. As far as all the in-law bashing questions? Personally, they help me see that even though my inlaws drive me crazy, it could be SO MUCH WORSE as evidenced by many of those questions and actually makes me appreciate them more!

Hi L.
As Mommy x3 says here in the virtual world is a good place to vent.
I have seen alot of the inlaw questions lately and to be fair to the posters real issues were being discussed,way beyond kids being sugared up etc.
Certain in-laws can cause alot of problems in one's life.
Its great that in-law problems are not your source of concern but maybe your problems are not a source of others concern.
Thats how it works here,we all have different issues that reflects the questions we post.
Right now I am preggers with baby number 2 so my posts are reflectimg this.I would hate if someone posted "why are there so many pregnancy questions lately"?;LOL
All the best
B. k

And others are venting too, about how their in-laws drive them nuts. Let them.

My inlaws are not prize after 26 years of total horrible treatment by them to my husband AND daughter, I no longer even speak with my MIL. My husband and daughter agree it is best for all of us. I encourage my husband and daughter to spend as much time as they want with the inlaws..Many times, I have to force them..

I did not care so much about how they treated me until I witnessed the neglect they gave my daughter compared to the other grandchildren.. That is when I could no longer take it.

What I am now doing, is trying my hardest to promise myself, that I will not be a horrible MIL. If the person loves my child, I will love them and be grateful.

My mother makes a great MIL.. She has loved my husband since we first started dating.. She listened to me vent and did not make judgements. She stood up for him and she stood up for me,, treating both of us as her equal children.

She tries to help me see the goodness in my husband, but she does understand I am also not a total prize. Hee, hee..

Be careful of what you are upset about with your inlaws.. There is a difference in being irritated and being totally devastated by their behaviors and treatment of your children and spouse. .

I have been totally devastated by their neglect of our daughter. I have never felt such despair as they caused with their treatment of her.

I think everyone needs to vent sometimes - about the kids, about Hubby, about our own parents or about in-laws. Sometimes we aren't sure about how to react and need a second opinion. I am not sure it is "bashing" at all, just a cry for help. We all can get so overwhelmed!!

That is the great part about this site... All the support!

~C.

I understand what you're saying, but it can be really hard!!! Our oldest was a honeymoon baby. We had not even been married a year, I was really just adjusting to his family and it their "well meaning" comments and actions felt so unbelievably critical. Looking back (5 years later) I can better appreciate how well meaning they really were, but this is truly a family that has trouble understanding that different is not always wrong or bad.

Relationships are hard. I'm sure my hormones didn't help, but I was really overwhelmed with my marriage, my newborn having a new last name and a completely new identity (no longer was I an employee, I was a mom).

I don't think people always take the time to work on their relationships. They don't think of the relationship between the parents and the grandparents. It's all about the kids. With my MIL and SIL, it was about them and about their grandson/nephew. I got completely lost in the shuffle. Also, it was assumed that I didn't know anything, as I had never been a mom before.

I've really said too much, but please, cut them some slack. People need to vent, they need to be heard, they need to feel like someone understands them. If they don't have someone in their life they can talk to, this is a fabulous (anonymous) alternative. Try not to be so critical of those who honestly need that in their lives.

I haven't read any other responses, but I just wanted to say that I think it's just a mom's way of not only venting, but also asking others' opinions about what to do regarding any relationship that they might have trouble with, whether it is husband issues, inlaw issues, sibling issues, or kid issues. Inlaw issues can particularly be hard, because is much easier to deal with our own parents and siblings--after all, they are our family and we've lived with them our whole lives. Inlaws, on the other hand, are more difficult, especially for those of us who do not have kind and accepting inlaws. So it's nice to have a place to ask the question "am I overreacting or am I justified in my anger, and how should I respond?" and get some objective answers from someone outside of the situation.

As someone who doesn't even speak to her inlaws (my husband currently has no relationship with his parents), I understand how frustrated and angry some people might feel when they have problems with their inlaws. :-(

I agree L.! And as the mom of 2 little boys I am hyper-aware of in-law bashing as it scares me so much that my future daughters in law will be difficult to deal with and isolate me in favor of their own parents.

You situation shows that your in-laws offer to and actually DO babysit, know how to get your kids "something" to eat, etc! LOL Not all of us are so lucky.

As much as I dislike my SIL, and I do pretty good with my inlaws, I would never keep them from my kids. My poor husband doesn't want to hear me whinning about HIS family.. so I have a great outlet here.

Not sure if this is correct but most men don't want to hear all the cruddy stuff their wives think of their families. So, again, here in virtural world everyone can complain and not worry about hurt feelings from the inlaws.

L.,
I hope you thank God everyday that those are the kind of in-laws you have. You can't believe how painful it is for children (mine included) to see others with grandparents who actually care about them. I had one grandparent who was great. Unfortunately, she died when I was four. My boys don't get to have even a few good memories of my or my husband's parents.

I am glad you brought this up. I am a new in law, no babies yet, not sure when but would like to be loved and cared about. So now after reading this, if I babysit too much will I be around too much and annoying people and if I don't babysit at all will someone be mad because I don't. If I live too close will that be annoying, but if I live too far and can't help will that bother them? Will my daughter in law hate me if I give candy to the kids, but if I don't and I force them to sleep when it is naptime will I be an ogre, or if I let them stay up all night and sit and snuggle and have popcorn, will that be a problem? Hmmm..
My own mother never babysat for my children, didn't want to but lived close. My inlaws never babysat. They lived close but they didn't like me.
My sister babysat once in awhile when it suited her schedule but expected me to about raise he kids. I myself want to be nothing like any of these people, but then I see how annoying mother in laws can be and I wonder if I should move to Iceland or something and send checks once in awhile. What's a mother in law to do?

Anonymity of the internet gives people the opportunity to discuss, debate and vent about topics and people they wouldn't normally. I imagine for every wonderful in law out there, there is a truly awful one. And many times we just get a piece of the story and not the entire picture. This is often the place people come for a third party opinion of a situation, they just want some input or validation. Those stories just make me thankful for the wonderful in laws I have been blessed with.

I used to be in the in-law bashing category. My in-laws and I don't see things the same way and sometimes my MIL can be pretty mean. My feelings get hurt quite a bit. I decided sometime ago that I was going to love them for who they are and not who I want them to be. I respect them because they are my husbands parents and I love my husband. Talking about them behind their backs only makes me dwell on things even more and I just really don't want to waste my time that way. I love them. I will be kind to them for all my life.

I am sooo tired of this question coming up every time someone posts about their in-laws. Why do you automatically assume that the poster is in the wrong and that the in-laws can do no wrong?

If you have great in-laws than all the more power to you. Consider yourself blessed and quit judging others.

In a perfect world everyone would love themselves and be capable of loving others in return. That fantasy world doesn't exist so quit bashing those that have legitimate concerns about their in-laws!

There are things that drive me nuts, and annoy me about my inlaws.....but I love them.
I know there are things that drive THEM nuts about me, same with their own son, lol.
I don't bash them, but when there's a post about what drives you nuts about them...sure I toss in a couple things...would I trade them in? No.
That's why we're family....I can b*tch and complain about them all I want but they're mine.
Other people don't have it so lucky, and if they need to vent they need to vent. Just my opinion

I think a lot has to do with some people having radically different parenting styles than their in laws.
There are a lot more safety rules (back to sleep, car seats, helmets for riding bikes, etc) now than when we were being raised and grandparents are not always aware of them.
Of course, some parents in law are real jerks, and some daughters/sons in law are real jerks, too. Throw in drama queens, obsessive compulsive people, and any other mix of what ever is going around and there's bound to be a conflict or two.
I look at some families and figure the grand kids are going to need years of therapy to get over some of their relatives.

I hear ya!

I think a lot of moms forget that they, too, will one day be in-laws and their son's daughters will be writing mamapedia vents and questions about how bitchy and awful their in-laws are too...

I like your attitude.

Because They can be extremely annoying and if we didn't post or comment about them from time to time, we may accidentily hurt them. We love em, they are just (sometimes) annoying as hell.

Also, Sometimes people just post questions where they want ADVICE about dealing with their in laws, and then they get slammed and are told they need to be "more appreciative". It's not always a "in law slam fest", but people wanting real advice on how to deal with relatives when necessary.

Since my husband and i lost our parents very young neither of us have in-laws. But i try very hard to keep a civil and loving relationship with his g-parents. Luckily i dont have to try, they are awesome. Now my sister in law is another story, i have to make a concentrated effort to get along with her.

So, people aren't allowed to vent about an issue that you think is no big deal, but we have to read your vent about something that doesn't even personally affect you?

Sorry, mabey you should count your in law blessings.

Edit* Not judging you for being judgemental. Just pointing out the double standard. You started this thread and you should have been prepared to have people disagree with you. Just my two cents, I guess. =)

I love my in laws... I hate my in laws.... LOL!

My husband thinks my mom is nagging and overbearing at times... I think his mom is nagging and overbearing at times.

My mom looks back on my childhood years with an equal amount of "guilt" and "satisfaction"- so does his mom.

I think people aren't "bashing" so much as they are "letting it all out". When your MIL makes you feel like you are about to SNAP- well... most people have the good sense to keep the peace in the family and bite our tongues.... but eventually most of us just have to say it- get it out! But with the sensitive issue of in-laws who do you turn to? Chances are even the sweetest husband won't want to listen to you rant and rave about his "mommy"- (in all honesty I wouldn't want to hear him complain about my mommy either!)

So we come here....

I wouldn't trade my mother in law- I really do love her... and against all odds it seems like she DID raise a pretty decent man for me to marry. When she is loving and generous and there for us when no one else is she could ALMOST be my best freind.... when she is telling me about how when SHE was a mother she was a "domestic goddess" and apparently had a spotless house with perfect angelic children, holding a full time job... all in stilettos no less...

well- I roll my eyes... Rose tinted glasses are cheap these days eh?

Point being- we don't marry our in-laws... but we get them anyways... and it is OK to admit that they can drive us crazy, because we drive them crazy too! Believe it or not, a person can barely tolerate someone and still find love for them too!

-M.

because for some it's easier to point the finger at someone else than to accept responsibility themselves.

"My parents are perfect" (NOT!) - to the best of my knowledge - no living person is. However, we hold these "ideals" in our heads and expect our parents or In Laws to be perfect, read our minds - know our expectations and guidelines we go by in our home.

Many want people to do it for them - for free - and then get all pissed off that things were changed....I would've NEVER expected my parents to give my boys donuts, cookies, candy etc. - but guess what?! THEY DID!!! OH THE HORROR!!!!

There's a reason God made it to where older women can't have babies - they just get plum tired out chasing kids around.

Were my first in-laws perfect?! Heck No!! I love them to death - they like me call it like they see it. Does it suck to be called on the carpet?! HECK YEAH!! But they treated their son the same way - when he couldn't keep his dick in his pants - they flew to Belgium and told him to GROW THE F**K up! Yep!! Told him to his face.

My current inlaws? My MIL died on Mothers day 2006. She was the one I called with all of my questions and problems with my boys - my mom - I could call her but she would say "Oh Cheryl - that was soo long ago, i don't remember..." my MIL? I could call her up and say - Vomiting for 2 days now - what did you do? She would spit out what she did! My FIL? I personally could care less for him - but I treat him with respect and welcome him in my home - even though he will sit out back with my husband and bad mouth me (he doesn't know windows were open) do I confront him? Nope. why? because he's not worth the fight. He has his assumptions and is set. I can just be the best wife and mother I can and maybe one day he will see that - if not - that's his loss and I will continue to be nice, courteous and loving.

Bottom line? People need to own up and realize relationships are two -way streets. Some people simply react to how you are treating them - body language, rolling eyes, crossed legs, the whole kit and kaboodle. MILs - they only want the best for their son(s). So they will most likely be HYPER critical of ANY W. he chooses.....and what's worse? MANY MEN CHOSE MEN THAT REMIND THEM OF THEIR MOTHER!!!!!! HA!!! No kidding - my MIL and I were VERY much alike - the things she did that drove me crazy?! I got called on the carpet by my best friend telling I did that - HOLY SMOKES BATMAN!!!! ME?!! PERFECT ME?!!? (LOL!!!) Made me take a step back and grow up a tad. (it is after all, all about me!! LMAO!!)

Take responsibility for your actions. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Realize any discourse between you and your In Laws will only create discourse between you and your spouse. Pick your battles.

I agree completely. My grandparents were distant and seemed kind of angry. I was not close to them and therefore not really tore up when they passed. This is NOT what I want for my own grandson.

My grandson lives with me. So I am his memaw and I have to be a disciplinarian too. My little guy is everything to me and I'd be very hurt if I found out my daughter was bad talking me behind my back.

Hi L.,

I'm glad you brought this subject up, because mama's who love their husbands and children, should be setting better examples instead of displaying such outright HATE!

My mother-in-law, Bernice, did not like me much either in the beginning. In fact she kept a prom picture of my husband and his high school girlfriend prominently displayed in their living room. This did bug me, but it did not hurt my feelings because after all, I was my husband's choice.

Once a grandson was present, and my mother-in-law saw that I was a good mother and an OK wife to her beloved son, she started warming up to me. It took a while, but before she died I knew by her demonstration, that she loved me.

She also stayed friends with the high school sweetheart and her husband and their four children. Once we were all adults with our own family, things were different. Petty jealousy was no longer an issue.

Bottom line some wives will NEVER be good enough in the eyes of SOME mothers. My husband loved his mother and loved me and I was determined not to stick him or my son in the middle. Don't show your children that their mother is a HATER.

Blessings.......

.

L., finally a voice of reason!!!!!! My grandson has to have ice cream
after lunch the two days that he is here. He does not get a lot, but that is his treat and he knows it. I am not taking him and buying him toys every time. He would not remember that. Ice cream at YiaYias house I am sure
he will remember. I remember so many fun things from my grandparents house. Grandparents do the special things. We have earned the right to
enjoy and indulge a bit. That being said if my DIL and son felt very strongly about something, I would never undermine them. I am lucky and they are very easy going.

I think part of the allure of this site is as moms we do not always have people we can talk to that are our peers, and sometimes this is a safe outlet to vent...

Everyone's situation is different. I cannot sit here and tell someone to get along with someone and I don't know both sides of the story. If you have great in laws good for you and if other's don't, then it's their choice if they want to vent in a safe place that's just their choice. There are some situations that are beyond what you've just described. I think when people vent on here, it helps them deal with their everyday life. I don't care who post what, but if it's helping them i'm happy to know they are freeing themselves instead of keeping it bottled up. To each his own!!

Oh, I forgot to add that you are very blessed......

Agreed! But I guess some people like to get other mom's feedback. My in laws hate me but I put up with alot for the sake of my kid's...I want my kid's to have nothing but great memorie's of their grandparent's! I also agree with Kristin C! Perfectly put!

I think some people use this site for venting more than serious issues. I have problems with my in laws just like everyone else. But I also have problems with my sister, mother, husband, etc. Its all part of being a family. I just try not to advertise unless I have a serious issue that I need advice on.

Thanks for this post. I hope it makes us all sit back and reflect on how wonderful (most of them anyway) our in-laws are.

Your point of having a grandparent(s) will differ from the next persons and so on. If you like and love it, doesn't mean the next mother/father/parent has to like and love it. Just because they are grandparents doesn't give them the right to undermine, ignore, annoy, and act entitled. Is it so difficult for them to cooperate and respectfully embrace a parent(s) wishes? Example of a grandmother who knows her place. At a playgroup, the grandmother said the granddaughter couldn't have sweets, the facilitator tried to convince her it's "just one" piece of candy and the grandmother said very politely. "HER PARENTS GAVE ME SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS. THEY ARE RAISING HER NOT ME. I HAVE TO RESPECT THEIR WISHES. So, thanks, but no thank you. Then she went on to give another example. No television until the girl is 2 years old. Again, the grandmother said, they are raising her, I am babysitting and enjoying my time with her. NOW IN MY CASE, I was sippy cup training my daughter and my mother gave her a bottle after I specifically asked her not to do it. So that made my job at home more difficult. The weening take longer. The point is the bigger picture, grandparents don't always know best when parents have goals and expectations for their children. So, the result is sippy cup training was necessary, she is preparing to enter school part-time and no bottles are allowed. So, if I ask you nicely with an explanation not to do something I expect for my request to be respected. There are no exceptions because of grandparent status. My opinion. In closing if your children are wired up on sugar when they arrive home during bath time, dinner time, and supper time, who wants to wait another two hours until the kids settle down??? Who wants to struggle to settle the kids down? Who wants to fight to keep the kids on schedule? Meanwhile the grandparents are free of the hassle. LOL!!!

It's all relative. Obviously, your "annoyances" with your inlaws aren't nearly as bad as other peoples' annoyances w/ their inlaws. Obviously, you have good inlaws. If sugaring up your kids is the only thing they do that may slightly bother you, consider yourself extremely lucky. You clearly don't have any real in-law issues like so many of us do (you lucky duck). You don't understand why people bash their inlaws b/c your inlaws have never given you a reason to bash them. How lucky you are not to be able to understand this.

LOL @ sheesh...just think one day those who bash the MIL will become one some day.

I don't hate my in-laws. In fact, I adore them, but that doesn't mean that they're immune to doing stupid things that are vent worthy. If I didn't have places to vent about my in-laws (not here, but other places) I wouldn't have nearly as good of a relationship with them as I do because I would explode. My MIL has said and done some really awful $&!+ over the years but she's generally a great MIL and specifically a great mother to my husband and grandmother to my daughters. We're good to each other but because we probably ignore things about each other and vent when we're apart. It doesn't mean I don't love her or the rest of my in-laws. I'm sure I've said and done things that cheese them off too. They're entitled to vent however they need to.

I asked this same question a while ago, and people actually defended not treating their in laws like family and expecting the in laws to bow to their every comment. To me this whole issue just shows not only a horrible lack of respect for the in laws, but also for the spouses who are trapped in between. People seem to have forgotten that you must treat someone with respect if you except to be respected. I have always believed that you should treat your mil and fil like you would your own parents, because they are your hubbys parents after all!

So in short, I so agree with you, people have really forgotten what it means to be family.

It is the beginning of vacations...I would rather vent here where it is safe for me to do so rather than in front of my kids or family where feeling really would get hurt.
What gets me annoyed is when someone is trying to get there thoughts out and be ok with things and there are people simliar to you whose only response is ...My in-laws are perfect so shut-up. Things could be so much worst. You could be living in Japan right now....whine whine whine.

COME ON!! I know things could be worst but that doesn't not mean things are perfect for me and I can't or shouldn't be able to express myself.
Why is it ok for me to settle for no respect from people who have never even tried to get to know me? Why is it ok for someone to undermined me and insult me as soon as my husband walks out of the room? Why should I put up with it? For the sake of the children???? REALLY They are not exactly leaving my kids a fortune and they are not providing them with anything they don't already have. I am the one putting a roof over their heads. I am the one putting food on the table. WHY can't I be respected, period? But that is mine battle to fight, not my kids. As long as they show my kids respect and not truly endanger their lives. I am ok with them.
Sorry, for the rant but you did ask.
I know those who have it great are happy but why does it brother them so much when someone has a complaint about an in-law??? It isn't like we all have the same one.

You know. I have never heard anyone complain about the mailman to someone else and have them say back... well my mailman doesn't do that so be quiet it could be worse. It is childish!

I actually prefer my in-laws (or my MIL at least) over my parents (mom & stepdad).

I have MIL issues myslef,but you are right there's been a bunch lately check these two posts out,Mother In Law Babysitting Question and I pay my MIL to watch my son and I'm not happy with the situation. Please help!One is from Carry J. from Bronx, NY is almost the same post as an older one from Samantha J. who happens to be from Poughkeepsie, NY!The child is the same age,the complaint has some of the exact same complaints.Grandma taking a shower while child's in her care,bite marks on the crib,etc...the difference is one is a boy and one is a girl.Have my suspicions that this is the same person.But why would anyone do this?It just wouldn't make any sense!

Because some people (women) aren't happy unless they have something to complain about and the MIL is an easy target. Plus it's always hard to adjust to the different ways another mom does things.

I know I had a difficult time adjusting to my MIL because she comes from the stone age where certain words are wrong to say such as tummy! It took me about seven years to finally just tell myself, if this is the way she wants to be, then it's her perogadive, even if it is weird.

I know what you are saying though, and SO many DIL's make a huge stink over the dumbest things!!! Time to lighten up a bit DIL's!!

I guess I feel differently than most people do about their in-laws. I really like as well as appreciate mine. they were welcoming from day 1.I call my MIL mom. she's not rude, or disrespectful, she also does not push her opinions on me of how to raise our kids, but instead I ask her for advice. My own mom, my best friend, died 16 years ago. I'm not looking for a replacement,she's a great MIL to me. she's a great grandmother to her grandkids. she doesn't get to see them that much because she lives in the UK. however, not seeing each other a lot hasn't kept me from forming a great relationship with them. we talk to them once a week, using video chat, phone etc.
I've invited mom to come and live with us when she retires, which she can do for 3 months at a time. so my husband and the kids can can have their grandma around and know what that's like. my daughter cries bout it and wants to see them. so don't take for granted what you've got. so those of you out there that have extended family, I'm not saying it's the best relationship for you all but try and appreciate the good relationships you do have because there are a lot of people out there(yours truly) who don't have family for their kids to grow up around.

I have thought how odd is it that everyone hates their MIL too! I have a nice MIL, who at first took me a bit off guard by being so welcoming (funny, huh?) but who I have come to really like and enjoy. She really does have the best interest at heart, and tries so hard to be a part of her son's (our families) life. I have to appreciate her and her willingness to help so much!