Am I Being Too Hormonal??

Yes, you are being hormonal. Be thankful they are taking her. Be thankful she gets to go to the fair and have fun. Eat humble pie, call the inlaws and say, "I'd love you to take her. I'm so hormonal I wasn't thinking straight. Thanks so much."

I think that mothers often are very guilty of feeling as if our children belong to us and no one else. I was VERY guilty of this when I was young. But the older we get, the more wiser we get. We realize that it really does take a villiage to raise happy children. Grandparents are important even though it seems that the daughters and daughter in laws that are here at mamasource are selfish spoiled brats that do just about nothing else but complain about their parents! Maybe not everyone, but way too many people.

My grandparents were not involved with me and my mother wasn't involved with my oldest 3 daughters. It's taken a lot of years for her to realize even a little just how important her role in our family is. My husbands mother died before we even had kids and his father is untouchable. My father was uninvolved and a drunk and is gone now too. This is NOT what I want for my grandson and future grandchildren! My grandchildren will be an important part of my life and I theirs. I won't allow my daughters to keep them from me or to hog all the firsts in their lives.

What's so sad to me is how often I see this subject brought up on here and yet the young moms of today want to have help from their parents. They want free babysitting and they want to dictate EXACTLY how the grandparents will behave and they want to talk down to the people that raised them as if they are idiots. It's not right to treat grandparents like imbaciles one minute and like doormats the next and then be nice once and awhile in order to get the free babysitting out of them when you really need it.

God did not bless you with these children to be stingy with them.

.

Is it possible that your in-laws don't offer to help because you don't allow them to? You seem very angry about what you describe as a lack of assistance from them, but I can't help but wonder from your post how the relationship between you is. You seem to feel that they owe you a certain amount of help, but when they offer, you reject them. The simple fact is that you are on bed rest, and you need a lot of help. That help is not always going to be on your terms, and you may have to get used to accepting what people offer even if it isn't perfect. I'm just saying that if I were in your position, I would be taking help anywhere I could get it, and not worrying so much about things being "taken from me." Your daughter is two, when she goes to the fair next year, she won't remember much of what she saw this year, and it will be almost like seeing it for the first time again.

Your feelings are VERY valid. I would simply explain that it would be GREAT if they want to spend some time w/ your daughter and give you a break. However, you want to be there when she goes to the fair the first time, and then suggest something else they can do with her. They probably were trying to help, but you have every right to tell them you would rather they do something else.

You are being very hormonal. I do understand missing out on seeing her first reactions, but you are robbing her of excitement. let her go to the fair. Are you going to be the first to take her everywhere?

I suspect you are doing this more to get at, the in-laws though and just using the excuse of not seeing her reaction. You are being a bit passive agressive.

Have you ever thought that, the reason your in-laws aren't helping, is because your mother is helping, and maybe they think you don't need anymore help?!

I kind of understand where you are coming from, but I also think you are on a huge pity party and want all of the attention here. Am I right?

Let her go to the fair!! You can take her next year.

Yes, I think you are wrong and selfish for saying "no". You have had mother-in-law issues for a long time and cheated your daughter out of a nice experience. When your daughter gets older she will be invited to do a lot of things by a lot of people, please do not deny her those opportunities because you can not be there.

You took your frustration with everything you can't do right now and let it out on your inlaws. You were wrong to deny them a day out with their grandchild. It doesn't matter how much or little they do for you; it wasn't about you.

I would focus on the fact that you said no because you do not want to be left out of one of your daughter's firsts and not on your in-laws. I would not put it as hormonal but more like feeling like you are being a little kicked while you are already down. Your in-laws were probably truly trying to make things easy on you by not having your daughter around but you guys should agree on a mutual outing that does not involve them taking your daughter to experience a "first" without you. I would have felt the same way because I love to be there for my kids' firsts:)

i dont know if hormonal has anything to do with it, this is obviously just something that you dont want to miss. my mil wants to buy my daughter one of those little make up tables in the worst way, i told her no because i want to make her one. selfish? maybe, but i only have one daughter and its special to me. on the other hand, she only has one granddaughter, she always wanted a daughter more than anything and didnt have one. she loves girl clothes, so even though i really would like to do it, i let her choose and buy lillys Christmas outfit every year. its a compromise, so i dont feel so bad about the make up table...... anyway, i dont think your in-laws were being selfish and i dont think that turning down the one time they do offer to take out your 2 year old is going to help the situation. however, you do have a right to reserve something for yourself. maybe you can call them and say youre sorry, the fair is just something special to you, you have a special place in your heart for it, and you dont want to miss her first time. (dont forget the "im sorry" part, even if it tastes bad in your mouth ;) ) tell them that you know your daughter would love to go out with them, she asks for them, and you all would love it if they would bring her someplace else, or just spend time with her at your or their house. maybe make a suggestion of someplace that you know she would love that you would be ok with.
the inlaws thing can be really hard, sometimes you have to choke down your pride a little. i have quite a few friends whos in laws (and even their parents) want little or nothing to do with the kids, and it breaks their heart over and over,,, and isnt good for the marriage either. it creates a lot of hard feelings, and when the kids get older they will ask questions that you dont want to answer. you have to find that line between compromise and being a doormat. stand up for yourself when you need to, but really try to compromise when you can. you arent going to change them, so do what you need to do for yourself, your husband, and your kids.
good luck with the pregnancy, i hope you are feeling good...

Would you have let YOUR mom take her, if SHE had asked? If the answer is yes, then I think you are just lashing out at your inlaws. If the answer is no then you want that experience for yourself.
Either way, I wouldn't expect an offer of help from them anytime soon!
In laws are a pain but what are ya gonna do? :-)

Sometimes people don't help because they don't know how or what you need that is within their scope... maybe they didn't want to step on your toes. (Of course if you/hubby specifically asked them and they still didn't, then that's different!). The relationship between your own mother is different from a MIL too, so it might feel more awkward for her to spend a lot of time doing house duties at your house. That said, you were totally fine and normal to react with a NO (I remember having a hard time letting Gma take my daughter to her first carousel w/o me), but please consider reconsidering. If you want to let her go, call them up and tell them you are sorry for your initial reaction and that your brain was in another place (yes hormones!) but you do think it would be a special outing for your daughter with her grandparents and you hope the offer is still on the table. Maybe you can ask them to stay till bedtime that day too after the fair to help get her to bed--that would ease your burden that night after she will have had a long day. Try not to feel left out--I'm sure your daughter will be so excited to tell you ALL about it afterward.

Depends did you truly say no because you don't want to miss being able to watch her firsts at the fair or because it was your in-laws that had asked?
Because from your posts it almost sounds as though you resent your in-laws for not helping as much as your mom is. It also sounds as though you think your in laws are asking because they are doing it for themselves vs. trying to help you out in maybe the only way they know how????

All that being said, whats more important, that your daughter gets to go to the fair and have a good time with her grandparents or that you get to see her first reaction at the fair?

Hi Jen
I hope all is well with your new little one.
I was put on full bed rest with only bathroom privileges after a week at the hospital at 18 weeks. It was long but I slept a lot, hope you are too. I delivered healthy twins C-section at 37 weeks 6 days. It was well worth being in bed for, and doing all I could to keep them there as long as possible. They were 5lbs11oz and 6lbs 8oz on delivery. A couple more days and neither would have been considered preemie, but all was well.
Keep up the good work.
As for your daughter going to the fair only you can make the decision, but I can tell you that having them come home telling you about a great time they had with their eyes twinkling and seeing their excitement might be just as good. Your in-laws meant well. They were trying to do their part. They probably don't know how to help with your mom there doing much. My mom came and lived with me too for the last 7 of the 19 weeks. The rest of the time my dh, and son took care of things. All our relatives live out of state. My question is whether your dd is almost 3 or just turned 2. At just 2 I too would say too little not necessary and we are fair people who show animals etc. At almost 3 they have lots of fun. What about a compromise that your in-laws take them in the day when there are not the lights etc, but just animals and displays. or something like that. Just a thought from an old mom whose kids are grown and who is the in-law and it is tough to know what to do. Our grandchildren are 2 as of 7/29, and 5 mo in a few days and live out of state.
God bless you as you decide what is best
That is not necessarily hormonal, but it might be selfish depending on just which end of 2 she is. It is a place where I too would be comfortable taking our grandchildren but their parents would not allow it because of the dirty atmosphere. We don't see it that way.
K.

Anyone who says you are being selfish and hormonal is probably someone elses MIL!!

I would guess that maybe your reaction was in response to the actual relationship you have with your in laws. Maybe you feel that taking her to the fair isn't as helpful to you as the hard work and thought you own mom is taking on. AS far as your hubby goes, my first thought was when he is laid up in bed carrying a child he can get mad all he wants. Would he have gotten mad if his parents were doing all the "leg work" and it was your mom that asked to take her to the fair? He might have gotten some grief from his mother. If you change your mind, insist that your hubby goes and videotape every special moment of your child at the fair. You can sit with her and watch the video creating your own special moment with her and talk about her day.

Jen,

In-laws (or out-laws as I affectionately refer to them), make you hormonal pregnant or not. You have probably done everything for your daughter since she was born (minus the last 4 months), so it is right for you to want to be a part of this exciting experience. Although she would probably enjoy it, she would also enjoy playing in your house or back yard with her grandparents just as much. Tell them they can come over for a morning/afternoon and spend some time with her, also "give them the opportunity" to cook a meal, feed your daughter, clean up after it and maybe put her down for a nap, so they can get a small idea of what your mom is doing all the time and why you may feel more inclined to allow your mom to do things with her and not them, esp if they have not offered to help. In-laws are work, mine can't watch minds kids, since they refuse to change diapers and my just turned 2 yo daughter is still in diapers. They always ask to take my almost 5 yo, but I tell them that is unfair to my 2 yo (who is actually noticing when her brother is not around) and honesty I don't feel comfortable with them watching either one anyway. As for your hubby, of course he is going to react the way he did, he sees no wrong with his parents (remember they raised him and probably exposed him to this behavior, which he thinks is normal). Not to worry it will all blow over and soon you will have the joy (and work) of 2 beautiful babies... Wishing you health and safety, M.

Shes your baby, dont let anyone make you feel bad about this. You dont have to explain yourself to anyone. I probably would have caved and let her go, but that would be my choice.

I know exactly what you are feeling. I was in the same bed from Oct to Feb. with my son, for other reasons but none the less. It was MY mother and MY family that was there, without them my son and I may not of survived. A few months in a toddler's life is a lot and their first experiences should be for you and your husband. I think you were right in telling them no, if they want to help than they can always take her somewhere else. You are not robbing your child of the fair experience if you make sure to take her after the baby is born and you are feeling better.

You are not being hormonal..and you are not robbing your child of anything. She is 2...it's not like it's the last time she will want to go..and you are the mother and should be there...sorry but your in-laws sound like typical selfish people..trust me I have the worst. And it's your kid..you have every right to say no...I love people that don't ever do anything to help you and then they want to take an enjoyable experience from you.

Stand your ground...and please all the other ones that are saying that you took the experience from your daughter and your in-laws are just trying to help are so full of it. The stepford moms that like to pretend the world is full of rainbows. For the 1 in a million that get a wonderful in-law then good for you...but for the most part in-laws suck and they are usually the husband's side. Just remember these days for when YOU are the mother-in-law...that's the lesson that should be learned here!

I don't think you're hormonal. Your reaction sounds identical to mine, when my in-laws offered to take my 6 year old son to the circus in the city (without me) so that I could get "a break". I'm not pregnant so it's not my hormones. I feel like you do, that they say it's to help me, but I think it's for themselves. Not seeing my son's first reaction ever to being at a circus is not a break for me, it's something I would miss seeing dearly! So don't feel bad at all for what you feel. Your gut instinct is always right.

Updated

Updated

I can understand how you are feeling even if it is exaggerated by the hormones. Maybe you can think of another fun outing they can take your daughter on. There is not really that much to do at a fair for such a little child since they are too small for most rides or games. Maybe there is a park with a zoo or a carosel nearby.

Ahhhhhh..... "too hormonal." What an interesting concept. I'm 7 months along in a twin pregnancy (both girls) and have found I am much more .... volatile this pregnancy that I was with my singleton boy. However, I refuse to blame every emotional reaction I have on my hormones. I am a mother and I am allowed to have emotions!

I also completely understand about in-laws being noticeably absent from offering help until something come along that they want to do. It can be enraging (even when I'm not pregnant.)

I agree, that if the fair is something you feel you don't want your child to experience for the first time without you, then he should not go! That's that. Offering an alternative is a wonderful idea. Telling your husband you don't want to exclude his parents from your child's life is also important. Chuck E Cheese, the mall, indoor playgrounds.... there are a lot of alternatives. If this was the only thing your in-laws were willing to do with your 2 year old, perhaps ask your husband to investigate that issue and see what's going on. I recommend you diverting as much of the communication with them to him as possible. It seems they are just adding more stress to your life and you don't need that either.

Best wishes!

It's probably bothering you a little more because you are so hormonal, but it would certainly bother me as well.

That being said, I'd be most bothered by your husband's reaction. Having a second child changes everything, but you only get to experience firsts once. It's way more important to you than it is to your child, but it doesn't make the value any less.

I do agree that your in-laws are likely trying to be as helpful as possible and haven't taken into consideration that you're missing out on a lot of things you'd normally be able to participate in.
So, you can do one of two things:
1. Recommend another activity that you're not as emotional about being a part of
2. Do your best to get past the hurt feelings and desire to be a part of it.

If it were me, I'd choose option 1.

Good luck!

Yes, I think you are being hormonal BUT NO, I don't think you are wrong by not wanting your daugther to go to the fair the first time without you! I have been in this situation many time before with my inlaws. I understand where you are coming from and I think its ok for you to not want to miss this but I've learned over the last few years that its best to be honest and try not to let EVERYTHING else get in the way. YOU are the MOTHER and if you don't want your daughter to do something because you want to be there with her, I think thats fair. Just keep it to the point though and don't get into any of the the other issues you have, such as how they are finally asking to help after 4 months and what their motives are behind it. They asked to help and thats all that matters. I'm sure they would understand if you just nicely explained that you appreciate the offer and while your daughter would love it, you want to be there with her for the first experiences - she is only two, she isn't going to know if she is missing the fair this year - she can go next year. Ask them to please understand and if they want to do anything else with her you would appreciate it. I think thats fair!

I wanted to comment after reading some responses. My first reaction to your post was to sympathize with how sad you would feel missing out on your daughter's first fair experience. I think since mom's do so much of the hard, thankless work we should also have the special, joyfilled moments too. I think you have a right to say that you don't want to miss this one. You should also let them know that you are sorry about the manner in which you refused, but that you would be feeling so sad about missing this event that it would negate any "rest" benefit you would get out of it. Then suggest something your daughter would love to do with them that would not mean as much to you. I have a MIL who does help me, but her favorite manner of "help" would be to do things like this if I didn't assert myself. Best of luck to for the rest of your pregnancy.