My daughter's school dinner is this weekend and I am not sure who to ask to watch my daughter. My mother and I were not talking much and we did not see eachother for a year. We finally saw each other a few months ago and as a way of extending an olive branch and to show her that I want her in our lives, I asked her if she could come over the night of the school dinner to watch my daughter. She seemed very happy that I asked her and said that she would come. We have not brought up the subject in a few weeks. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, lives right down the block and she is the one who normally babysits. I am worried that if I have my mother babysit, my mother-in-law will get offended, since she lives down the block and we would be asking my mother to come in from a different borough. However, my mother-in-law sees my daughter all the time, whereas my mother does not get to see her often at all. I'm just concerned that by choosing my mother to come, it will really insult my mother-in-law. What would you do if you were in this position?
So my husband spoke to his mother and she was actually really happy that my daughter will be spending time with her other grandma. I guess I was worried for nothing. Thanks all for your responses!
think you're overthinking this. Mother in law needs to know WHY you're letting mom do this instead of her.
You have already asked your mother to watch you daughter. Extending that olive branch and yanking it back will do more damage than having not extended it at all.
What would I do? I would confirm with my mom that she is still available to watch your daughter. If she confirms, say "great" and finalize plans. If she waivers, let her know that it's ok and you can make other arrangements with no hard feelings. Then, and only then, do you ask your MIL.
It would break my heart if your MIL were insulted by your mother trying to have a relationship with her granddaughter. As a grandmother herself, she should absolutely understand a grandmother wanting to spend time with her granddaughter.
Just talk to her about it. Tell her what you said here. You and your mother are trying to rekindle your relationship. You want your mother to be a part of your daughter's life, so one of the things you did was ask your mother to watch her for a couple of hours. Definitely talk to your MIL ahead of time and let her know what is happening and why. As long as you talk to her ahead of time, she should be ok with it.
As a mother and a grandmother, your MIL really should understand.
I would check to see that my mom could still babysit. End of story.
I wouldn't even bring it up to my MIL. I'm not sure I see the need to. If she is aware of the dinner and brings it up - sure, just tell you that you asked your mom to watch your daughter.
If she's so bent out of shape over this, you can always say that it's an opportunity to reconnect.
My MIL is jealous of my mother, so I know what that is like. My mom sees my kid once or twice a year, but my MIL is insecure and gets bent out of shape. I never explain or justify our visits with my mom. There's no need to. It's not my problem, it's my MIL's.
Confirm your mom can still babysit.
If mom confirms yes, let MIL know that you've asked mom "as a way of extending the olive branch".
She should be fine with it, because it's a completely appropriate thing for you to do. It's not an insult. Hopefully you're just reading your own stressful-mom-related feelings into this.
If she's not usually that touchy/jealous, it won't be a problem.
Why do you have to justify having your mom babysit? I wouldn't bring it up to your mother in law at all. I would also not tell your mom that you have alternate arrangements you can make. I would just give your mom a call and say what kind of pop do you want etc. Gives her a chance to back out if she needs to. Why make the one feel like you are choosing the other over her?
I would have your mother babysit and hope that the MIL isn't petty. If MIL makes a big deal of it, just explain to her that your mother rarely gets to spend time with your daughter. Nothing wrong with wanting your daughter to spend some time with her other grandma.
You already asked your Mom, it would be rude and hurtful to go back on that now. If your MIL asks about it just tell her that, since she gets to see the children often, you thought it would be nice for your Mom to spend some time with them, I am sure she will understand.
I agree with the idea of confirming your mother can and will do this, and make sure that your daughter is comfortable with this "new" grandma without you there. If you haven't discussed it in a few weeks, call her under the pretext of saying you want to discuss dinner plans for the child or find out what you should have on hand for your Mom. Olive branch type comments - "What can I bring in for snacks or dinner or drinks for you, Mom?" It sounds like good hospitality but gives you an excuse to remind her of the date. Or discuss anything special you need her to do - which might also help her know how to handle this grandchild she is getting to know. If your daughter needs to read for 20 minutes a night, has math homework, enjoys a particular board game, or hates peaches...those are all helpful things for any babysitter to know.
I would try NOT to tell your mom to call your MIL with questions - your mother may be feeling anxious or distant, and it will just aggravate her if she's told that the other grandma, who is closer emotionally as well as geographically, is more experienced. I'd just tell your MIL that you're so happy to have your mother back in your life, that you know how important grandmothering is to MIL and isn't it nice that your mom can have some of that and also take some of the pressure off MIL. If your MIL is a good person, she will want you to be connected to your own mother, and your child to her maternal grandma.
Your MIL must know the other grandma has been left out for a long time. If she does not understand, tell your mother in law that the girl has more than one grandma and she needs to share.
You are very lucky to have 2 grandmas for your child. I'm sure the MIL will not need an explanation.
Make sure your mother is actually going to babysit and then let your mil know about it. Don't feel the need to explain anything just be matter of fact about it. If she presses you just let her know that you appreciate everything she does for you and your family however its important for your daughter to have some sort of relationship with her other grandmother.
my mother in law totally understands that her grandchildren need time with their other grandparents too. if mil has an issue with it then she is being selfish and needs to share the grandkid.
If your MIL gets offended that the other grandmother wants to spend time with their mutual grandchild, then that is MIL's problem. Your mother doesn't see your child much. Your MIL can see her all the time. I wouldn't overthink it.
Wow I'm sorry but your MIL sounds immature and selfish. I can't imagine not wanting my grandchildren to have a relationship with BOTH sets of grandparents. ALL family is important not just me.
Tell your MIL that. Let her know that your mom wants to spend some time with her granddaughter too. I can't believe she would be insulted or jealous, that's just so petty :-(
