Over Helpful Mother-in-Law

I'm sure she isn't doing this to offend you, so I wouldn't say anything and take the chance of ruining a relationship. If it bothers you that much, then just pay it forward. Give the stuff to a friend or someone you know of that's struggling or give it to a charity. There are so many others out there that would love to be in your shoes! My husband and I are also starting a business and understand how things get tight, and we aren't so lucky to have someone helping us out.

No matter what you do it will be hard but be honest with her. Or just be thankful that she wants to help. I only wish that my mom or mother-in-law would help more sometimes without me asking. I think your mother-in-law probably feels like she has a purpose when she does these things for you.

My grandma is the exact same way as your mother in law. My grandmother is like this with everyone because she loves to do it. It brings more happiness and peace to her to know she's brightening our day or helping. If I tell my grandma something like I am trying to find a particular item in a particular color she will spend hours shopping and trying to find it just because she likes to do that sort of thing.

Your mother in law just likes to be helpful and make people happy. She's not trying to insult you. Be grateful you have someone like this in your life and cheerish her generosity.

I'm extremely independant, but also a single parent who struggles financially from time to time. When we go out of state to visit my grandparents, my grandma always buys my daughter and I a few pieces of clothing or shoes. YES I'm a grown woman, and could probaly do it myself but it helps so much and I appreciate it as well as seeing how happy it makes my grandma to beable to do so. As a child my grandma never came empty handed either. I remember her grocery shopping for my single parent dad we had the money for groceries but my dad didn't have the time. That's just how my grandma is.

I've found in life so many people are so darn selfish and self-centered it's amazing and hard to find somone who's generous and loving and kind.

You are very lucky to have a mother in law like this!

No matter how polite and round about you do it she may still get upset. My suggestion is be honest. Sit her down and tell her it how it makes you feel. Like you said to us. Tell her your sure that she is just doing it because she likes to or she feels she's just helping out but it makes you feel like she doesn't think you can provide for your own family. Blame it on yourself and she's less likely to get upset and she may back off. I know the in-law thing can be touchy. Good luck!

My mother is like this too and I LOVE IT! I wouldn't change a thing. Parents who are fortunate enough to have a little extra money, love nothing else but to spend it on their families. I'm sure she knows it has NOTHING to do with your financial status, but in her heart, I'm sure she just wants to spoil you guys. She loves you and is showing her love in many ways, including treats and fun gifts. I've had many conversations with my mom about it besides all of the obvious reasons for spoiling us, there was one reason that was a bit hidden. Both of my brothers can be a bit needy and have borrowed money in the past from her. Since I never have, she feels guilty not being able to help my family out more when she does more with my brother's families. So she does what she can in other ways...babysitting, helping with projects, showering us with gifts and treats, etc. So, perhaps there is another reason that might not be as obvious. Welcome it and if you feel compelled, sit down with her and chat about it...but do it nicely so you don't want to hurt her feelings because it sounds like she is doing this out of her heart.

One thing you could do is chanel her gift giving in the right direction. Mention to her, "Say,...if you're ever out shopping and you see _____, pick it up and I'll pay you back." I do this with my mom on occasion and it works great. Most of the time, she just wants to be more involved in your lives and her giving you gifts is one way of being involved. This will give her something to search for and she'll have fun doing it.

Hi there, I absolutely understand what you are going through. I'm not married, but we have been together for over 6 years now and his mom is the same way. I just told him he needs to make a decision and tell her to back off. I stopped going to family functions and such and basically just refuse to be around her. In our case dear Mom doesn't want to cut the apron strings and the boyfriend is afraid to be rude because the other kids don't really talk to the Mom and Dad. As I mentioned, I just don'r really socialize with her anymore because I didn't want to have the blow up and she can't seem to take a hint. I wish you the best!! I know it is a tough situation.

My mother-in-law greeted us every time she came over when our son was small with gallons of milk. "It's cheaper at Sam's." She'd also buy books and juice and other things ... Honestly, I felt exactly the same way. But that was 10 years ago, and she doesn't do it any longer, and she spends alot of time in Florida so we don't see her. My husband reacted the same way yours does. And, so I grinned and bore it. What I learned from the experience is that it was her way to be helpful. She wanted to be a part of helping with our child, she did what she could, and she didn't keep doing it forever. I look back on it and I feel kind of silly, especially when milk is now over $3.00 a gallon! I guess, if she's a lovely mother-in-law, my advice would be to enjoy it. Slip it into conversation that you'd love a manicure or pedicure outing with her ... maybe she'll treat for that, too!

I think you answered your own question when you wrote that your mother-in-law is the "sweetest more caring person". There's a lot of women who aren't that lucky. My mother-in-law is also a very giving person. She always gives me stuff when we visit or when I pick up the kids if she was watching them. However, its usually old jewelry or other things I have no need for. I learned a long time ago that its easier to just accept it and say, "thank you." If I don't want it, I give it away or throw it away, whatever is more appropriate. But it makes her happy to give me things, and the risk of hurting her feelings really isn't worth it to me.

However, if your mother-in-law also treats you like you are indebted to her because you take her gifts, that is wrong and the real problem. It would be better to have a sit-down talk with her and tell her how you feel. But if the only problem is that you think you are too independent to accept an unconditional gift, you need to ask yourself if it would really be worth it if you end up truly hurting her feelings.

In my opinion...you are a very lucky woman!!! Wow...that is a tough one to have someone so sweet and caring in your life that all she wants to do is help you out...lol. This must make her feel wonderful to help out in any way she can so would it really be such a bad thing to let her feel good about doing simple things for the people she loves? Appriciate her efforts and try to realize how blessed you truely are...I doubt she is trying to make you feel anything but the love that she intended. Hope things work out well for you all. God bless. L.

I know you have received many responses on this and for the most part I am going to say the samethings many other people did.
First and foremost, your mother-in-law is my mother. She over does things for us, but like you we are pinching pennies so that I can stay home. She brings and buys things for us out of complete love. She too was once in our shoes of having a tight budget and feels now that she does not have to live on a tight budget she can in turn help us out. Talk to your mother-in-law and let her know you appreciate her. Don't get mad that she is helping you out, instead appreciate it that she feels comfortable enough to do it.
Because I have a mother-in-law that only thinks of herself. She is SO selfish that she will ask for gifts for holidays and such. She never buys things for her grandkids, except her twin grandchild (which are not mine or my other sister-in-laws) which leaves TONS of hurt feelings in our children and her other grandchildren.
So my advice is... although it is tough, look on the bright side that she can and will be there for you guys. And repay her when you can, extra time with the grandchildren, items that she says she needs suddenly "appear" at her house, etc.

Honestly, it is almost impossible to find mother in laws that are this nice. I think that if you had the experience of having a different type of MIL you would definitely prefer your own MIL over many. Simply enjoy it...

I have that problem with MY MOM... She is always buying things for our girls, and for us. I say " I need to get this next time we go where ever" The next day she brings it over.. I do get fustrated with it, since our girls need NOTHING. They have so many clothes with tags on it, that it's sick. I have told her that she needs to really stop doing that because they need nothing. She enjoys doing it and trys to make up for the fact that my MIL does nothing of that sorts, and when she does she gets them junk or things they aready have.
Just take it as it comes. Its better that then butt heads with her. My husband thinks its great that my mom does all that. She is a great person!!
Good luck..

Personally, I would count her as a huge blessing to you and your family. I wouldn't take her willingness to give as a negative thing. She probably so much enjoys giving of her time and gifts...and wants to help you guys out. I would almost bet that she has ZERO ill intentions of making you feel like you guys can't provide for your family, she would probably be so shocked that you could feel that way.

I would work on your perception of her and definitely NOT say something, it could potentially severely wound your relationship with her.

Just my opinion...

I have sort of the same problem, my mother in law constantly buys my daughter clothes. She has so many clothes that I have no where to put them. Luckily this last time she bought size 5 (my daughter id 3 1/2) so I can put them away for next year. I tell my husband that if she feels like she has to spend money on our daughter, give her some ideas if what she needs.

I have just tried to ignore it. When my daughter was a baby my MIL would buy her socks "because her feet were too hot" in the socks that I had on her... stuff like that and it really made me mad. She would also buy her juice when I specifically told her that our daughter was only taking breast milk. There are tons of examples.

I just don't think that she gets it, we have told her not do buy all of these things but she doesn't listen, so I figure - it's her money... I do still get frustrated when she takes my daughter out and buys her dolls and purses every time - then she thinks that grandma will do this everytime, but again, this will be expected of my MIL and she will have to deal with my daughter being upset when she can't have something. My daughter knows not to expect toys everytime we go to the store from mommy and respects that thankfully.

I am just babbling... there are so many things that I have to just ignore or I will be upset and frustrated all of the time. If your son is showing that he expects these gifts all of the time then you will need to nicely tell your MIL just that and how it makes you feel bad that you have to tell him no. Maybe she could still buy him things and you could save them and give them to him for special ocassions.

Good luck!

Gosh it was nice to read your post - I thought I was the only one with this problem. My mother sends us a lot of things we don't need, and I also get offended. She sends things like baby wipes and baby food - she's even sent toilet paper.

I've confronted her a number of times (both politely and rudely, depending on how tired I am when it happens) and eventually came to the conclusion that she was just trying to send stuff she felt was useful - sort of "I know they have everything, but EVERYONE needs toilet paper."

In my mind, I've tried to think of it as sort of a compulsion - she can't help herself. That's made it a little easier to take. American society substitutes purchased items for nearly everything - it can be a hard habit to break.

There are three things I've done that make me feel better:

1) I have told her a LOT about how we're trying to "downsize" the house. I've mentioned the garage sales I've run and how good it feels to have less in the house. I've even pointed her to the book "Living Simply With Children" which talks a bit about overdoing toys & clothes. There are two other books about it too: "The Paradox of Choice" and "How Much is Enough?," though I can't recommend them because I haven't had time to read them yet.

2) I try to keep a mental list of things we *do* need, so that I can bring them up if my mom offers or asks. The hope is to redirect the good intentions. "By the way, mom, I know you'd been looking for something to get us. We could use some new towels." etc.

3) If all else fails, I take items straight to the CAP agency, or put them in a box for a garage sale without even opening them or taking off the tags.

You might also try directing her towards babysitting, making cookies with your son, taking him for a walk, etc. - activities that will help her feel connected to her grandchild without spending money.

I agree with other posters when I say that this may be something you will have to work your way toward letting go, for the sake of the great relationship you have with your mother-in-law.

i have a mother-in-law who does just about the same thing...she is 82 years old, my son is her first and only grandchild and i get upset with her about buying us things all thie time. her answer is she won't be around forever-so i let her do what she wants for us. there are times that i have to tell her not to buy my son something and she does honor my wishes. so my advice is let your mother-in-law do the little things for you and your family but be honest and just tell her how you feel. but most of all let her know that you still need her and appreciate her and love her!!!!!!!!!

J.,

I know your request is almost a year old, but it showed up today "In the Spotlight". Anyway, I have the same thing with my own MIL whom I actually have a better relationship with than my own mother. I often joke with my DH that I married him for his family. My MIL and FIL are extremely generous with their time and gifts. Prior to our wedding we actually had to register a second time because there was very little left for our other guests to choose from! It only got 'worse' after our children were born. I had similar feelings to yours and talked with my MIL about it. It came sown to this, when she and my FIL were young and starting out, things were tight and they were not able to do all they wanted for their three boys. They remember what it was like and how much they appreciated it when their own parents helped out. They often say how proud they are of us and of the smart decision we make and their help never feel like a criticism of our ability to provide--and yes, we've been sent home with milk, and other grocery items when they've overbought at Costco. She nearly fully outfits the kids each season and this summer is paying for their summer camp tuition.

After talking with my MIL, I became much more comfortable and appreciative of her help. I know she does it out of love and b/c she can. It makes her feel good, it helps us out, and I know that someday we will be able to pay it forward with our own three kids. Hopefully they will remember their grandparent's generosity and be comfortable with ours.

I hope all is going well with you and you and your in laws are getting along well. Sounds like you've gotten real lucky in the in-law dept. What a wonderful gift.

My grandma used to drive my father crazy doing the same thing for us. We definitely needed the help when we were all little, but she just stopped giving my mom and her sister grocery money every week a few years ago! It used to be a couple bags of groceries when we all lived closer together. Usually it would be some cereal that you already had 10 boxes of but never really liked. Then there were the infamous cookies! EVERY week she made dozens of cookies for us, and unfortunately they were mostly inedible. When I was growing up, we always had 4 or 5 tins of hard, old cookies in the cupboards. I know that my parents had conversations with her about these things, but she is a very strong willed woman. Even now you cannot convice her to do something she doesn't want to do, no matter how reasonable it is. We finally all just gave up, and it seems to work. It helps if you can laugh about it.

Now that I have my own family, I have a different level of appreciation for my grandmother's giving. It sure would be nice for my son to have a grandmother near by to spoil him. Instead, my mother in law passed away 5 years ago, and my family is too far away to help with anything. Add in a selfish and demanding new step mother in law, and you get the picture.

Anyway, I agree with the people who suggest trying to channel her purchases into things that you can really use. Or if you just really have too much stuff, make a rule that you get rid of one toy whenever grandma brings over a new one. My sister secretly bags up my nephews excessive toys and donates them. Her MIL cannot stop with the presents either.

We have the same issue with my mother and my husband feels the way you do - We can be (and are) self-sufficient. Try talking to your mother-in-law. After talking to my mom about how much he brings when she comes, she now only brings things we can use while she visits (the entree or vegatables for dinner, fruit for our daughter) and a few gifts for the little one (diapers, which, let's face it, can ALWAYS be used, books, etc). Our understanding is that, if we don't ask for it, we don't need it and she doesn't bring it. This has worked out well for us and it saves a lot of tension between DH and mom!