My Four-year-old Son Is Stealing!

I think what you're going through is perfectly normal with some kids. My daughter was 5 and used to take things from other people's houses. Making her take it back and apologize didn't work because she kept doing it so we started having her "make amends" with that person. Not only did she have to give back the stolen toy, but she ALSO had to give that person one of HER toys to keep. It had to be a nice toy too.

We only had to do that twice and she never stole again. In fact, she has become a very generous person.

I would tell him you know he had her toy, and that to take someone else's belongings without permission and hiding and/or keeping them is stealing, call it what it is. Tell him that stealing is wrong. Decide what his consequence will be if he repeats it and tell him what will happen. Perhaps you can check out your local library and ask the children's librarian for books on respecting other people and their things appropriate for his age and read them to him, so he understands this isn't just you saying it, but what people everywhere believe. Do some role playing with him, too, and see how he would feel if someone did the same to him, to help him develop empathy and understanding. I would continue to watch what he does, it may take some work to C. his thinking, based on what you said about his sister's previous missing toy he might have been doing this awhile.

Actually it's pretty common at his age.
They are still working on understanding ownership, feeling empathy and they don't have much impulse control.
It's not something one talk is going to fix.
You are going to have to work with him a bit to get him to understand.
Does he have a toy that is special to him?
When you find out he's taken something, explain he has to take/give it back, and say he's sorry, it's not his, etc.
Also ask him how he would feel if someone took his special toy.
Would he be sad? worried? angry?
Tell him that's what other's feel when he takes THEIR toys.
Don't take his toy, but explain it to him often.
Tell him the right thing to do is HELP people find their missing toys to help them feel better - if he was feeling like that he'd like others to help him.
It's hard for kids to learn to think about others feelings, to feel empathetic but keep working on it and he'll understand eventually.

First, I would stop asking if you know it happened. Do not give him a chance to lie. Be authoritative: I saw you putting that toy in your pocket at your friend's house, and I need it in my hand now. You may not take things home from friends houses.

Be super clear. No gentle interrogation techniques. Call him on it. Be clear with him that this is not the crime of the century, but this is a problem which needs fixing and it *will* be fixed.

Let him know that anytime he takes something from someone else without asking, he'll have to give it back. Call it what it is: stealing. Explain to him that anytime he takes something from another person, he will have to return it and apologize. Let him know that if he is concealing items, he will not have his privacy honored (like not looking in the pencil bag) because he is showing that he isn't making good choices.

We had a few small-scale sneaking incidents at the end of last summer, and over the Christmas break an older child friend introduced our son (5) to sneaking candy. I let the mom know and we both talked to our kids. The second occurrence of this happened at our house, sneaking food into his room and eating it in bed/under the bed. This resulted in him having to clean his room (vacuum), remake the bed, and at that point, I was clear with the kids that they could not play unsupervised because they weren't making good choices together. Stealing food was not okay and wasn't tolerated. When more sneaking/stealing happened, we lost all of our tv privileges AND our legos for a week. HUGE deal.

We haven't had any more problems since then, but I know he'll be tempted again at some point. Return item, make apologies, and now that we've had a few times of being informed as to what stealing is and why it isn't okay, we lose privileges and toys. He's lost his 'stay up after stories' time, too. We are consistent, but frankly, I don't do a lot of talking/asking-- I just become a detective and look for clues. Remember, you lose your privacy in your room/backpack, etc. when you are showing that you haven't been making good choices. And if it continues, have him turn his pockets out before you get into the car after playdates, before going home. You don't need to do it in front of the other kid/parent, but let your child know you *are* paying attention and anticipating his next moves.

And don't forget-- not so much talking, more *doing*. It will be far more effective.

My almost 6 year old son tried to take a little car home from daycare at the gym. He was really bad at being sneaky. The daycare people just asked if he "forgot" to put the toy back. He put it back.

We had the talk about taking things, and proceeded to take away all computer usage, ipad, snowcone that he was looking forward to, plus he got a time out. We took privaledges away until he cried and understood how wrong this was. We needed him to emotionally connect to the wrongness.

We later talked to him about how it would feel if he were playing with his favorite toy, put it down, and when he got back it was gone so that he would understand how others would feel if their toy was taken.

At your son's age, he doesn't quite get why it's wrong. Now is the time to teach him. You want to come down a little hard. But I think it might be too late for the first thing. If the 2nd thing just happened, I think maybe taking all of his toys out of his room and putting them away for the day may have an impact, because you can equate how he will feel with them going away to how your daughter felt when he took her toy.

Good luck! It's tough, I know.

This is so normal. He's only 4. He doesn't have a good understanding of ownership. And he's still in the wishful thinking way of thinking. He wishes the squinky was his and so it becomes his.

I'd handle it by not asking him questions. You're setting him up to lie when you do. Say, "I think that sister's squinky is in your pouch" and then take a look. You thought something was off when he left the room. Stop him and look in the pouch.

Don't ask him if the toy is his friends. Tell him you know it's his friends and take it away. Then when he sees the friend again, if it's convenient, have him give it back. Give him words to say such as, "I really like your toy. I wish it were mine. Here's your toy."

If you make this into a big deal he'll continue to "lie" to you. Be empathic while teaching. At this age, he's still learning the difference between the truth and a lie. His brain is not developed enough to grasp the nuances of it. It's a matter of you repeating over and over what is the truth and how he's to behave. For example, you say, "I know you wish that toys was yours. But it's not. It belongs to friend. He wants his toy. Now it's time to give it back." While you're saying that you're checking his pockets. If it turns out he doesn't have it you can always apologize. That is much better than putting him on the spot and setting him up to lie.

I'm a retired police officer and I do not use interrogation methods with my daughter and grandchildren. I do use my skill to be direct. Even as a police officer I don't remember asking someone if they did something when I was pretty sure that they did it.

I was also store security for a few months. If I saw someone put something in their pocket, I would say, "I saw you put that tube of lipstick in your pocket. Give it to me."

You saw your son put the toy in his pocket. You knew the toy wasn't his. Why would you ask him anything about it? Your goal is to teach him to tell the truth so tell him the truth first. Your goal is to teach him how to handle his wishes to have someone else's belonging. Why would you punish him for having the wish. It's normal to want what someone else has. It's normal to take it at that age. What he needs is for you to teach him what to do with his normal wish. Have a consequence, yes. Giving back the toy is a logical consequence.

Expect that he will take things. Do not label him as a thief at this age. Our children will live up to the image we give them. Do tell him it's stealing. Tell him stealing is wrong. At the same time acknowledge his natural wish for something and teach him to not take the item. Tell him it's OK to want something but it is not OK to take it.

Children are not born with a conscience. They're taught to have a conscience. Your son is at the age when he's able to begin to understand how to behave. We don't want to teach our children by rote, saying, "do not steal." We need to sympathize with their impulses while showing them what to do.

At four his sense of morality is still developing. Continue reminding him not to take what isn't his (without asking first) and always make him look the other person in the eye and apologize when he returns the item.
Don't punish him any further at this age because that will cause him to start lying and being sneaky which you do NOT want to encourage.
I imagine if you are consistent with this he will learn quickly, and if not, you can always have another adult talk to him, like the parent of the child where he first took the toy. Being reprimanded by outside adults makes a HUGE impact!

If he continues, make him give away his most prized possession. He needs to learn how it feels to have something taken from you. Even though it's not being taken by someone, it is being taken from his possession/ownership.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the other answers here. I would jump on this right away, even though it's difficult, especially when they're so young and it could be interpreted as a mistake.

My son was 4 and in pre-K when he walked out one day with a Lego minifigure in his pocket. He clearly knew he shouldn't walk out with it, since he hid it in his pocket. However, he was still naive enough to proudly show it to me in the car on the way home. After some questioning, I determined that he had stolen it from his classroom. I'm sure he was imitating what he saw other boys do in the class.

I will say, I was kind of tempted to let it slide, maybe return it to the teacher myself and say my son accidentally took it. However, I wanted him to learn an early lesson. So, on Monday (he took the Lego on a Friday), I made him go up to his teacher, give back the Lego and apologize for taking it. He was completely mortified. She treated it like it was no big deal (I'm not sure I'm all that thrilled with the very lax way she handled it) but he definitely has not forgotten this incident and he has never taken anything from anywhere since.

I've been dealing recently with one of his very good playmates who keeps trying to steal his Legos when he comes over for a playdate. It's been really difficult and I've definitely decreased their playdates together. Fortunately, the kids is still young enough that it's really obvious what he's doing, so either I can address it or tell his dad, but it's almost like it has become ingrained at 6. I hate the thought that they can't play together because this kid habitually tries to steal.

Best of luck. This is a tough one, but he's going to need to learn to take responsibility for his actions.