Well, I'm completely worn out after a trying playdate today. My son (6) playdates with this boy (almost 6) at least once a week every week and generally the playdates go well despite the occasional fight over sharing and standard "You're not my friend anymore" type stuff that comes and goes quickly. They are both only children.
Today, however, the boy became very attached to a particular Lego my son has and kept insisting he wanted it and that he was going to take it home regardless of what anyone said. My son was in tears because, while he was willing to part with the figure, he wasn't willing to part with certain accessories that came with it. I tried to remain very calm and reasonable, said there were no "give-aways" allowed on playdates, for EITHER of them at EITHER house, and kept reminding the boy that his birthday was coming up in 2 weeks and that we would get him that particular figure for his birthday. I even took out the iPad and showed him that we could get the figure on eBay. I then tried to distract them both with a little tv-and-lunch break, then a long run-around outside.
In the meantime, the boys were trying to negotiate between themselves a scenerio where my son's friend could "borrow" the minifigure, even as I kept putting the kibosh on it.
I told the dad when he showed up and, fortunately, the boy was distracted enough when they were leaving that he forgot about the toy - but it was definitely lucky because it remained very much on his mind for the remainder of the playdate and made things a little tougher than usual.
So, did I handle this right or is there a better way to deal with it? I hate to seem miserly about something so little like a Lego minifigure, but I feel like once you allow the first "give-away" on the playdate, you're heading down a very slippery slope and some very uncomfortable playdates in the future.
I've got to admit, while I think I do an OK job disciplining my own chlld, I stink at discplining other people's kids! And this one can be very persistent. How do you handle it?
Hey, thanks for all the good advice. Next time it happens (if there is a next time) I will definitely put the item away, though I have the feeling it might have turned into a major tantrum today. The boy really, really, really wanted this Lego and was crying over it and he generally is not much of a crier. The whole situation caught me totally off-guard because we've had this boy over at our house numerous times and he has never once demanded something like that. I've had similar incidences crop up with OTHER boys at our house, but it has always been at the end of the playdate when the other parent is there to intervene.
I'm going to go with the assumption that he was overtired for some reason today and just acted out, but I will know better how to deal with it if it happens again. At the very least, he now knows that when I say no, I mean it.
Personally, I'm surprised at how many of my son's friends simply won't take "no" for an answer and push back constantly. I sure hope my son doesn't act that way on a playdate.
On a side note, a year ago when my son was in Pre-K, he put a Lego guy in his pocket and took it out of school. He showed it to me with great delight on the drive home. Needless to say, once he got through my lecture and having to apologize to the teacher the next day I think he got the message that taking things from someone else was not a good idea. Boys sure do love those Lego minifigures!
The only thing I'd do differently is we have a house rule:
If its being fought over, it goes away.
RARELY have we had the "everything" goes away scenario. Those times, its time to go home.
Aside from that, though, same deal. No trading, no gifting, no borrowing!!
I think you handled the situation the best you could, but this was certainly a perfect (Jim Fay) Parenting with Love and Logic moment.
I would have simply said, "Sorry guys, but we don't do give-aways. I will give you a few minutes to solve this problem or I will have to put the Lego away for the rest of the play date. Let me know what you want to do about it." Give them a chance to come up with a solution after a few minutes and if they are still arguing over it, then just put it away and be done with it. Works every time. If for some reason it doesn't and the problem escalated then I would say the play date might need to end for the day. Usually the kids know you mean business and will move onto something else.
You did not act like a miser because it would have snowballed into something bigger down the road. It's best to set up these types of ground rules from the get-go. Besides getting the boy this toy as a gift for his birthday in two weeks is a perfect idea!
Hope this helps!
A.
My younger daughter (7) and her friends have those moments occasionally. The rule of thumb is no giving away or borrowing toys; you were right on about that. If any fighting or unpleasantness breaks out about any toy, the toy goes away for the remainder of the playdate. It doesn't matter if it's my child's toy or the other child's (at this age, girls love their American Girl dolls and take them everywhere), I'll just say, "You know what, since you're having a hard time agreeing on this, why don't I hang onto that until Ava's mom comes to pick her up." That usually knocks everyone back into line, and removes the contentious item from the field of play. :)
Hi there,
If it were me,I'd put the toy it in my pocket or away out of sight. "I can see that both of you are disagreeing about what's going to happen with this toy, so I'm going to hold onto it now." Then no more talking, no more indulging the boy in his threat.
It wasn't miserly of you. It was your son's toy and not yours to give away. My only suggestion would be that if your son brings it up, maybe cue him in as to what you plan to do the next time this comes up. "I noticed that Bobby really wouldn't let go of the idea of taking your Lego home, and it upset you. Here's what I'm going to do the next time:if Bobby starts to tell you he's taking your toys home, we can just put the toy away until after he leaves. Let me know if you want me to help you boys find something else to do, too."
For what it's worth, young boys who love Legos can get pretty weird about Lego pieces, because they are unique and coveted. I have heard from more than one mom about playmates putting them in their pockets and taking them home. Another idea would be to put the LEGOs away when that child comes (somewhere out of sight) and just tell the child "oh, I put those away, and brought out X Y or Z. You can play with those."
And before the playdate starts, just review the rules. I do this with my son's playmates ("The door stays open. You may play on the bed, however, there is no getting in the bed, and there's no playing in the closet." Those are my three.) and then the expectation is set. Keep is short and keep it relatively positive. You did okay, given this was the first time it happened! :)
You did a great job! You are not under any obligation to give your property away just because someone demands it, no matter how small the piece of property is. :)
You are absolutely right that giving a toy a way on the first play date is a very slippery slope! He would expect something every time!
Great job!
I would have taken the toy he was so hyper-focused on and put it away out of his reach, likely in my own pocket. I wouldn't have offered to buy him his own. This is one of those situations where you should only have had to deal with the issue twice, tops. Then, "Since this toy is upsetting you so much and I've already told you that you can't take it home with you, it's probably a good idea for me to put it away now. Let's find something else to do." Use your best I'm The Mom Voice. It WILL work.
Then if you were to decide to buy the same thing as a gift for his birthday it would be a surprise. You shouldn't have to bribe him into behaving by offering to buy the item for him, you know?
I say this as a mom to a daughter with Autism, who frequently will find little items that fit in her hand at her BFF's house, my own BFF's daughter. She gets upset about leaving and in her anxiety she clutches these tiny toys that belong to BFF and hyper-focuses on them. My approach is to put the toy away about 15 minutes before we plan to leave, giving her enough time to get used to the idea of leaving AND leaving the toy behind.
My BFF and her daughter, however, hate it when my sweetheart cries. So they over-ride me and often give in. It's frustrating for me as a parent, since I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to be disappointed and to want things but not always get them and have them. I know it's because they adore her so much, but it does make things difficult when it's an item that my BFF and/or her daughter don't want to actually part with. It backfires on them.
It's nice to teach your son to share, but on the other hand, there is no reason the other kid has to take your son's toy home if your son doesn't want him to. Some people don't want to lend things, and we don't have a "right" to borrow their stuff if they don't want us to. That's just life.
Here's how you should have handled it: Just simply tell the other boy, no, you can't take it home, but you can play with it when you are here.
Your son has a right to his stuff, you don't have to feel like you have an obligation to let the other little boy take it home.
Were you firm when you said there were no give-aways? If you were, and the other boy kept insisting after you said that, then at 6, that's a little bratty and should not be catered to. "Johnny, I told you no."
As a mom of an only child (now 17), this type of behavior is common with ALL children.........some with and some without siblings, therefore, I would not associate your issue with Only children.
My rule was no sharing of the toys between house to house because if something got lost, broken, etc then there would be hard feelings. Also, I did overhear one of my daughter's friends ( NOT an only child) telling my daughter that she would no longer be her friend if she didn't let her take the IPod home to use. I stepped in and explained why my daughter would not loan the IPod. It was around this time, my daughter learned about users and friends when we finally retrieved the "lost" IPod from the girl's house after she told her parents that my daughter gave it to her.
You are doing the right thing to be consistant with your rules. No give-aways.
You did fine.
Next play date put the toy away before he comes over.
Out of sight - out of mind.
You handled it very well. I've been in the situation with both kids saying "yes, it's OK" and me saying "NO WAY". No matter how happy they are at the time sombody ends up unhappy. We've set the "no trading, no give away rule" at our house.
My only suggestion might have been to put the figure and accesories in question in time out until the end of the play date.
M
When kids fight over a toy, the toy gets put away entirely. In your case, I would simply have taken it away. No placating, negotiation or showing of pictures.
As to the kid trying to claim a toy for his own, a simple, "This is Son's toy; you can't take it home." will suffice.
If there are tantrums and such, you tell the child that behavior is not allowed in your house and he will not be allowed to come back if he does not stop immediately.
I really am that hard-nosed about it. It only ever takes one warning, and kids are sweet as pie forever after over here.
Side note - this advice applies to neurotypical children. Sometimes a child with special needs requires different (but no less firm) handling.
Sounds like you did fine.
I would just say, "Sorry, you can play with the toy while you're here. Don't worry, it will still be here to play with the next time you come over. At your house, we get to play with all the fun toys that you have! Now tell me, what do you like to play with at your house? (to distract him)
Since you didn't give in to him wanting to take the toy from your house, he hopefully will not try this again next time.
You did great, my daughter adores her legos, she has almost every Harry Potter lego out there and she would never want to part with any of the figurines.
This is not about being miserly, you were not, it's about respecting other people's property. Again you did the right thing.
I think you handled it very well honestly! That's a sticky and awkward situation. Great job.
ETA: Hazel you are absolutely right about some boys and their Legos - I've got one of those boys myself!
I don't allow borrowing or giving away of toys no matter how small. My son has his best friend come over almost daily. Borrowing of toys can turn ugly. For one I have noticed that the neighbor boy can expect something almost every visit, I have also heard the "if you don't let me have this I won't play with you" or I have also caught him telling my son "oh this mine remember I let you borrow this?" on things I know I bought my kid. If my son has something borrowed I make him give it back immediately and I don't want my kids to think they have to give things to people to be friends. Sharing is absolutely a must and if something turns into a fight I just take it away, end of story. If they're throwing a fit play date is over.
Wow, all I can say is that kid has some balls!
Insisting that he's going to take it home, no matter what anyone says?
Well, that would be stealing.
I'm a pretty calm and easy going person but I absolutely would have looked him straight in the eye and said, no, you will NOT take this home, that would be stealing. This toy doesn't belong to you it belongs to my son. I'm sorry but if you steal from us then you will no longer be invited over to play.
Seriously, this isn't a matter of "disciplining" someone else's kid this is a matter of deciding what's allowed in your home.
You're the adult, you need to be in charge.
Otherwise, in 10 years this same kid will be "insisting" on drinking your beer.
Do you really want to go there!?
If a toy cannot be played with nicely, then it's mine. I put it in my pocket or I put it up where they can't get to it. Stops a lot of fighting when they realize they can't share it at all because *I* have it. I also would have told them there is no borrowing. None. You outrank them. Hand it over and play with something else.
I also like the strategy of going outside. My DD is close friends with our friend's son and if the two of them start picking at each other, I shoo them outside to play.
I think you did fine.
I have a 6 year old son.
We do not "give" any of our toys, to any other playmate that is over.
No.
Also, if you let a kid "borrow" it... you probably will NEVER see it again. Or it will get lost or broken.
So, no.
And the other kid just has to realize that.
No, is no.
It does not belong to him.
And, the Lego figure is your son's... not for you to give away, even if you think it is just a darn Lego piece.
When/if things like that happens, at our house, I just say No to the kid.
And if they pout or get pushy about it, the answer is STILL, no.
And I remind the visiting child that, demanding a toy is rude.
It does not belong to him.
When other kids are at our home, I do "discipline" or correct the child or children. I know their parents and they know me.
And then I tell the parents, IF something icky happened with their child.
My friend and I were just talking about this today. We both have 5 year old boys and they have started wanting to borrow toys at the end of play dates. We came up with the rule "only parents can give permission to loan a toy." That way, it takes the pressure off your kid if he doesn't want to let a toy go. It also helps avoid a situation where the borrower thinks he's getting a toy to keep just because the giver is willingly loaning it now. Anyway, try that rule: only parents can discuss borrowing toys.
I do think you handled it right today. Sounds like you worked hard to distract them and that's the best you can do.
I NEVER have play dates at my house with out a parent there. Especially with a child that has shown that they are willful and hard to handle.
Next time arrange the play date at McDonalds or the park. Then tell the other parent that since the kids have a hard time maintaining the play date for very long that you think 30-45 minutes is plenty long. They should stay too.
Okay, I am a country girl. What the heck is a play date? Sounds like a fancy name for free child sitting!
My girl friends and I did it all the time 20 years ago.I keep the boys on Friday night and she kept them Saturday night.
The name Play Date seems so super suburban and fake.
Anyhoo--I think you were a gem in your handling of it.
You did fine!
I had to make the "no give aways or borrowing" rule because I have heard kids trying to persuade the other to let them have or borrow a toy.
I also put things that are being fought over in Time Out.
My daughter once came home from a playdate with a very expensive Barbie car. I looked it up online and it was a $50 toy! She said the girl gave it to her.
I wasn't sure if it was a loan or a giveaway so I had to call the mom. The mom wasn't aware of it (she wasn't home when I picked up my daugher--the dad was). I wanted my daughter to bring it back because I wasn't comfortable with her accepting a $50 toy. The mom said that it was a giveaway and that her daughter never played with it so we could keep it. I still wonder to this day if the mom just said that because she was embarrassed too.
So after that I made the rule about no giveaways--either giving or accepting.
I would not make any promises to a child on how we will buy them that same toy later or anything. What if you can't for some reason? I don't think it's right to try to pacify a child like that either. The toy is your son's and it will remain that way.
Good luck! Playdates are often trying, but are good learning experiences at the same time.
I personally NEVER haggle with kids. Not mine. Not others. Offering to get him one? Showing Ebay? Don't worry, you did NOT discipline him (nor should you) you sort of coddled him (which isn't right or wrong, it just is). My daughter (6) has a very ill-mannered (at times) little friend who always asks for stuff. They do trade some stuff which is OK if they work it out between themselves, but when the behavior like above starts (my daughter would NEVER be allowed to ask for stuff at another person's house btw) I simply say, "No". When she begs, I just take the item away and say again, nope, we're not giving that away. When she throws a fit I ignore it WHICH I HATE SO MUCH AND WOULD NEVER DO WITH MY OWN CHILD-IGNORING STINKS!!!! But I can't discipline anyone else's kid, so I let her act like a pain and wait a lot longer before the next play date (Once per week? HECK NO!!! I can barely take play dates once per month). Luckily the bad behavior turns my kids off too, so it sort of reinforces the rules we have in place when they see how gnarly that behavior is.
And ALSO, call this yet another parenting trend, but I was talking this over with a friend my age (42). When we were little, it was UNHEARD OF to ask for stuff at people's houses. UNHEARD OF. Like, if we were dying of thirst from playing outside for hours, we MAY be allowed to ask POLITELY for a glass of water inclusive of "Mr. and Mrs." titles and "ma'ams and sirs", but our parents may still have said "They have to offer." I'm simply BLOWN AWAY by the grabby kids nowadays asking for stuff left and right. I see it all the time, but honestly, this boy's behavior trying to haggle the toy is to some people (like me) OUTRAGEOUS and you should not at all enable it or feel bad snuffing it. Its rude. We adults don't go into other people's homes and businesses saying, "Hey, can I have this? Can I keep it? PLEASE? How 'bout borrow it?" (I mean maybe with a suuuuper good friend in a half-joking manner) It's not a habit kids need to get used to for ANY GOOD REASON.
I think you did great.
