My Daughter Misses Her Daddy

Hi,
My step-son lost his mom to bad life choices at age three, pretty close to your daughter's time of loss. I know how hard it is, and I know the repercussions it can have. You're right to be concerned and your concerns are spot on - inconsistency will be the most hurtful thing there is.

First, as mentioned, get your legal ducks in a row -- NOW. There is no greater priority. Do it by any means necessary, just do it. Trust me.

Second, start laying the groundwork for your future and (gradually) for her mental preparedness:

1) teach her that your love is unwavering, all inclusive, unconditional and proactive. Prove it daily, say it daily.

2) Prove to her daily that you never make a promise without keeping it. You have to be the one person in her life she can trust implicitly to DO what she SAYS she'll do -- believe me when I say that in the future, this will be her lifeline.

3) Give her structure, consistency, routines and safe, loving rituals (like songs at bedtime, little tea-party "confidante" sessions, whatever suits). Keep them regular, so that if she outgrows one there are still two in place while you phase in a new one. Honest, these little routines and rituals will seem frivolous now, but when the missed visits, forgotten birthdays or 'dad's hungover and can't come' calls arrive, those rituals and routines will spell survival to her little psyche.

4) Begin teaching the fundamentals of personal safety, personal space and what kind of touching is allowed. She needs to have a solid, confident understanding of herself and her rights by the time paternal visitation becomes an issue -- not necessarily because of him, but because of whoever might be associating with him, even people stopping by.

5) Begin teaching her the basics of how to get help if she needs it: who to call, how to dial, how to find help if there's no phone -- and this sounds crazy but -- implement a "SAFE WORD" with her that is JUST between you and her. Start the Safe Word now. Get her used to using it before she truly needs it. That way, if there is ever a time when things have gone sour and she's far from home, she can mention her Safe Word in conversation to you and she won't be afraid. Because it's code, no one will know she's asking for help -- Just you, the one she knows she can always trust.

6) Begin reading child psychology books right now, don't wait for the problems to manifest -- that's the thing I wish I'd done sooner. The level of deep-seated anger that took hold of our son (my step-son, technically) was mind-blowing. I wish I'd been better prepared. Looking back, I should have had him in counseling years earlier than we did. You have to understand that this sort of rejection -- even if it's only perceived rejection -- poisons so many facets of a little personality.

7) Start developing a thick skin if you don't already have one. When the anger, resentment, confusion, the sense of loss begin to hit her on different levels, you'll be the whipping boy. No way around it, that's what we're here for. We have to be safe enough and strong enough for them to let it out. And it ain't pretty. When she's about 8, that's when it gets personal. DON'T coddle her at any age. DO understand where it may be rooted and work accordingly.

You'd get some 'independence' or 'rebellion' regardless of childhood trauma -- around 8 is when they 'come into their own.' But when there's a missing parent, one who's betrayed the child on some level, BOY do those of us who 'stood fast' take a beating. It's ok, it's normal, it WILL get better. This is the point at which, if she hasn't already had it, you need to get her counseling asap. And stand fast, despite the tempest. She'll thank you a few years later. (Just got my first "Thank you" this year. Yay!)

That's all I can think of for now, but it's such a big issue that I know there are volumes more to say. Look for support groups in your area, as well, that may give you some insight, support, good ideas. And hang in there. The fact that you've already identified the potential pitfalls puts you miles ahead of the game. Now go find a lawyer! :-)

Best of luck in all of this. :-)

YOu best get some legal counsel for this.
I would also hope that you have "legal" custody of your daughter?

What if, your Ex is released...and then he wants to take your daughter somewhere, along with his girlfriend? Or, he picks her up from your house, and wants to keep her with him over the weekend or longer? Or, what if he never returns her to you? Or what if he wants to take her out of State?

The thing is, be PREPARED for anything, once he gets released. Things could be very different then, for better or for worse.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS LEGALLY, and not just rely on emotions or hoping.

There is NO guarantee, that you can keep his girlfriend away from your daughter either.

I would really take care of this, legally and soundly for the best safety of your daughter and yourself.

All the best,
Susan

Hello Karla. I think the best advice I can give is to make sure you have full legal and phyical custody, if you don't already. This is a mistake I paid for dearly, many moons ago. Other than that, I don't know what advice I can offer to you except that you need to be open to the fact that he has someone else. You did not indicate anything "wrong" regarding the girlfriend, so I don't see why it is an issue, having your daughter around the two of them together. If your daughter's father and his girlfriend have been together for a couple of years now, they probably (maybe, maybe not) will stay that way, if not forever, then for some time. It really puts children into awkward positions when there are rules like that implemented. I went through it with my daughter's father, I did not want my daughter around his girlfriend (even though I didn't know anytihng about her except that she was my replacement, and it broke my heart) and it made things so difficult. It put a strain between the two of them, then all of us, but most importantly, my daughter. My daughter went through a period where she pretended she didn't like the girlfriend, even though she did, just to make me happy, which is sooooooooo wrong. I hate myself for being so childish and putting her in that position, even though she was so young and says she doesn't remember (she's 17 now). I'm not sure what kind of bad choices your daughter's fater made, since you didn't state, but if he is paying his restitution via incarceration, he will have paid his price and done his time by the time he gets out, and hopefully will be starting a fresh new life. It doesn't always work out like that though, and you need to find where his head is at. My ex tried to make my life miserable, and succeeded a few times, because he was trying to be vindictive. We now have a good relationship, but things were really rocky there for a while. Children are often used as a pawn, and it's your job as her mother, to make sure your daughter isn't. Good luck to you :)

Hi Karla,

What a responsible woman you are. I'm impressed. It must be hard to be friends with a man you are no longer with for the sake of your daughter. Girls need their daddies--otherwise they find them in bad men later in life--you are so smart to realize that. Dr. Laura would be very proud of you (not that I always agree with her!). :-) Good for you for not dating right away either. That is sooo responsible of you I can't stand it! If only there were more parents like you in the world, our kids would be so much happier and emotionally healthy. It's not often people put their kids first when they should.

Sadly, since your daughter's father is no longer part of your life, I think that it will be hard for you to put any real restrictions on what he does or does not do. I think probably all you can do is just ask him nicely not to bring the girlfriend around your daughter. Hopefully if he respects you and your daughter he will want to do what is best for her. Also, perhaps you can just express your fear--tell him that you do not want him in and out of her life--perhaps regular phone calls or letters would be a good start. I'm sure if you approach it from the aspect that you want your daughter to be happy and healthy--he will comply with your very reasonable wishes, if he is any sort of man at all. But if he's made some bad life choices and has not reformed or shown remorse, perhaps you need to protect your daughter from him right now. No daddy is better than a dangerous one, in my opinion. (How can he have a girlfriend if he's been "away"??? Sheesh.)

Good luck!!
:-) D.

P.S. Sometimes we miss the person we want someone to be, rather than the person that they really are...

Karla,
Being only three all she understands is that that there is someone out there that should be around to love her and isn't. She won't get why and really, why would you want to make her understand that.
My son was three when I split with his dad who traveled extensively for weeks at a time. What helped were our scrapbooks. I had all of our pictures and asked his mom for more of him when he was younger. I wrote down everything I could remember about each event and added a little decoration (that's just me, I like to do that sort of stuff). My son would sit and look at those and ask me to read him the stories whenever he was lonely. Anything new that came up, I added to the book.
Even now he still loves to look at them, since his dad lives 700 miles away. He gets to see him often but still wants to feel close to him while he's far away.
As she gets older she will learn why he wasn't there and to judge between good and bad actions but kids need to love their parents even if their parents don't deserve it.

If you don't feel up to the task, let me know, I can help you start putting stuff together-like I said I like that sort of stuff and I have even made scrap books for other people.
Good Luck

I know your daughter is your main concern, and the best thing you can do for peace of mind is make sure you have a custody order in place.

My son's Dad was in and out of the picture for almost a year before he started dating someone who encouraged him to sue me for custody. Don't wait until that happens. I know you want them to see each other and I feel the same way...it's just scary how relationships can change and feelings get in the way. It doesn't have to get ugly, just precautionary. Communicate with him that for your daughter's well-being you want things in writing.

I understand your feeling s about the girlfriend...I feel the same way almost 3 years later and I just started 'going out'. We make sacrifices for our kids because its what feel is best, and not everyone in the picture is bound to agree. So, just keep the flow of communication open and hope that his judgement is as clear as yours.

I wish I had listened to family who told me not to wait to request a custody agreement...it would have been better than the ugly legal battle we're in today/

Best of luck!

Deanna

Hi Karla,
My suggestion to you would be pray.I have a seven yr old daughter and her dad made some bad choices and does not see her,but she does not ask for him either.You should be very clear and honest with her.Hang in there be strong us single moms rock we have more strenght then we give our self credit for so take care of you.

M.

Karla,
Danni's advice was excellent and so true. All her advice should be taken seriously. The legal is a BIG must, and do it NOW! Don't wait. I have a friend that let somethings slide with her daughter's father. Her daughter and her both paid the consequences. He went to court and managed to get visitation rights extended to overnight stays for a week at a time. She was a little girl, and he verbally abused her as well as not feeding her enough when she was with him and his wife. He was a supposedly Christian man that attended a good church. I know that people can appear to have changed, and the courts see the physical evidence that the father is able to provide. The new job, a nice wife, church attender, good family background, etc. It wasn't until she was 12 years old that they were able to get the courts to stop the visits. She was then old enough to convince the courts of what was happening and they rescinded the visits. At the age of 18, she changed her name to her mother's maiden name. This may seem extreme, but it can happen. Please take her advice, no matter how well you get along with her father now, the future can change.

E.:)

Karla,

I have a 3 year old daughter too, I separated from her dad a year and half ago, and he went back to our country, she sees him when we go there, usually once a year.
Everytime that I give her a time out or ask her to do something she does not want like clean up or go to bed, she ask for her dads, she notice that this used to freak me out and I sure she sensed my guilt so now uses her to manipulate me, I try to tell her that he really loves her but he can not come that he is very far, and usually she gets calm, it is hard, some days I end heart broken, but believe me she only needs your assurance that you are here for her and that whereever he is he really loves her. Be strong and good luck!

Hi Karla...I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I was in a similar situation. My daughters dad and I broke up when she was a little over 2. And he was in and out of her life all the time. I tried to force a relationship...that didn't work. He went on to make more bad/irresponsible choices. Here we are 10 years later...he just had his 5th child and is on 3rd wife....need I say more...not to mention the drug and alcohol addictions (in and out).
My suggestion, go to court and get sole physical, and sole legal custody. This should be easy to do, due to where he's at. THis doesn't mean he can't see her when he gets out. But I would do it all by the books. She's going to hurt...he did that to her, not you. Don't feel guilty...like I did for sooo many years. He made/makes his choices. And if/when he has visitation with her, you can't say his girlfriend can't be there. It's his time (if this is a court appointed thing). He has the right to move on to someone and have a life. And he has the right to want to share his daughter with her. (This doesn't make you feel better, I know....been there a FEW times!)
Go to the DA, file for sole legal & sole physical custody. Once that is granted to you, he will have to take you to court for visitation. Don't tell her too much...I made that mistake too. Tell her daddy loves her, but can't be with her right now because of some choices he made. And you may have to answer a lot of ?s with "I don't know."
I wish you the best. Enjoy your little girl and be happy. You can go on with your life too...you deserve it.

does your daughter understand that he made a bad choice and thats why hes not there? even at 3 she may understand the basic concept. does she have a picture of him that she can carry with her? i understand how you feel about your daughter being around his new girlfriend. its hard for them to understand that and i agree with you for not wanting her around your daughter just yet. what you need to do is when he gets out you and him need to sit and talk alone and lay the rules out (targeting the open promises and his other). im sure it will work out. then when she is older you can explain his girlfriend (well thats if she doesnt ask you about her first lol). just take it slow and reasure your daughter that daddy loves her and that he will see her soon. (shoot even make a count down chart with her) good luck!