Seeking Advice for This Subject

Rosyln, it is not always the MEN that have trouble with obeying the rules, please don't generalize.
L., you don't say in what way the family has trouble obeying the rules. Do they not return the baby on the day they are supposed to? The time? Do you only allow him 2 hours every 2 weeks with his child? What reason does your ex give for being hostile to your BF? Is this your 5th BF and he is concerned about people wandering in and out of your life? Has he skipped a child support payment and you are limiting his access because of it? (That one I have heard over and over and it is just plain WRONG)
This isn't a criticism of how you live but there may be legitimate reasons for friction.
Most lawyers will talk to you for an hour for free, it is worth it to go and talk to them about standard visitation, child support and basic obligations like medical/dental. Orders are there to help protect the children but they are also to keep parents in their place. You can't go to a judge now and complain about his interferring with your visitation but with orders you could.
Be kind, be civil, take notes and don't let your BF get involved. This is between you and your ex, no one else.

L.,

Since you don't really say what you'd like to take him to court for, I will assume positive intent.

First, it is very important that your daughter have her father in her life. And secondly, as a father, he does have rights to see his child and be more involved than short visitation stints, unless he's otherwise proven that his involvement could be harmful. I don't know the depth of the fights, and problems you are experiencing with him, so I can only comment based on my experiences and the little amount you have told us about here.

First, I would definitely establish a set of rules through family court. I have done this 'pro se' (representing myelf, without the help of an attorney). In DuPage Cty., family court is held in the evening, and the judges pretty much expect that there will be pro se cases, and they will ask you questions and guide you through the process. there are court attorney's present to help you file paperwork, too. It is not as daunting as you'd think. If you have a visitation schedule in place, it can be upheld by the police and the courts. You didn't say in your question... have you established custody? I have sole custody of my children while my ex only has visitation rights. Some parents find joint custody works for them, too. (custody is much different that visitation, but there needs to be a line drawn).

EDIT: clearly some people are not reading the actual words that I typed... I am in no way telling you to represent yourself, In my case, I already HAD a divorce decree and established visitation/custody. I brought my ex husband back to court to uphold the EXISTING order. I had been granted sole custody of the children because I was the one with examples and documentation of WHY I was fit for this role and why he was unfit. If you cannot afford an attorney, this is a perfectly acceptable way to go to bring matters back to court and uphold your existing orders. It is very difficult to amend a divorce decree, even with an attorney. And don't get me wrong - my ex was VERY mad I brought him back to court... so much so that I was approached in the hallway by a court employee who insisted I be escorted to my vehicle by an armed officer, based on the way he was behaving toward me. I refuse to short change my kids because he has a temper and avoid court altogether.

Secondly, I would request that the court make visitation contingent upon completing their parenting class. You should take it too, not because I think you are a bad parent, but because it will look good to the court if you also participate, it shows that you are willing to work together to be parents to this child.

You have to start with the basics... without these you will just irritate your judge going in there complaining about your childs father not following your rules, when there aren't any truly established in writing.

The parenting class is so important, I cannot express this enough. I have my children's best interest at heart, and it was still worth it to have a guideline to parenting children of a divorce. I still had to remind my ex that there is no room for jealousy in parenting. He would just not show up for his visitation, thinking he was somehow putting a damper on my social life by 'sticking me' with the kids. It took about a year to finally convince him that he is not hurting me by blowing off the kids. Now the kids are 10 an 12 and they could care less if they go with dad - they want to be with their friends. I warned him this would happen.. .he didnt listen.

In the end, you need to be a stable rock for your child, especially if dad is not. I made sure that my kids never met any of my post divorce boyfriends... They didn't even meet my now husband, until we were dating for a year.

Anyway, I don't know if any of these things will help, or apply to your situation, but good luck to you.

~J.~

Sure would like to help but can't understand the problem you are having because there's no complete sentences in what you wrote.

Sorry.

I too am divorced and remarried. I can sympathize with your struggles here. Ask your ex if you can meet for coffee! You two must communicate and communicate well for the next 18 years, if you fail at this your little girl is the one who will suffer for it. If you reassure your ex that he will never be replaced as her father, this will go a LONG way for you - and your daughter. Listen to his concerns, you can share your concerns as well, but hear what he is saying and respond to them, and it will be easier for him to hear yours. Maybe put a picture of your little girl on the table and open with, we are here together for her, now and always. Forget the attorneys (until you've exhausted all your abilities) because they don't give a hoot about you or your daughter, but the two of you do. You can do this. When you feel your buttons pushed, look at the picture of your daughter, and realize your ex is just frustrated or afraid, it is not personal, it is not even about you, it is simply how he feels at the moment. So don't respond emotionally, listen, hear him, and address the issue. I promise, this will work out much better for everyone in the long run. Please, say a prayer before you make the phone call, and pray again before you go into the coffee shop. You can do anything when it comes to your daughter! Remember that and happy mediating.
L.

i am in a similar situation, but thankfully things have been smoothed out for now...go ahead and take him to court for whatever if it's in the best interest of your daughter...do u think he will take you to court if you just stop letting him see her? or do you want him to pay child support and have limited visitation? u can always go down to the family courts to find out how those things work...it's unfortunate and if he's not being fair to you or your daughter, then please don't worry about being fair to him...that's what gets us...being fair to the men...

L., i would like to respond, but i'm not clear what you are saying the problem is

You didn't say how old your children were. Young kids don't need to know about another man until you've dated long enough to know if this man is really what you want, need etc. If they don't know, you don't have to let your x know...It's not his business! Kids get confused when they're young about the thought of "replacing" daddy. It has to be a gradual and in public introduction so that it is more like friends running into eachother; that way kids are not upset or inquiring too much. If this is a descent man, he'll understand. You can have alone time with him at his place or at yours when the kids are with daddy on weekends. Get his visitation set by the courts so you may have a life without him barging in at any time and don't fight with him in front of the kids..even if you're right. They'll love you more for it when they're older. Good luck mommy

Hi L., I am a little congfuesd on exactly what they want you to do. But in general always do what is best for you and your family. In life we can't appease everyone. But if you have written legal obigations follow them to the letter. Should you need legal advice, make some calls to several different attorneys, as the initial fact finding calls are without charge.

I don't think you should let this get out of hand. So try hard to keep the peace. Maybe you can talk to your childs father and explain how you trully feel about what's not going right. Make sure you express to him what is going right and what makes him a good father. If that don't work, you should consult legal representation.

L., you have a long way to go to raise that little girl with her father and I think legal action needs to be the last resort.

The two of you need to work things out together because your child feels all the tension. It really doesn't make any difference why the father is bringing home his daughter past the time you told him to, the focus needs to be on what is best for your daughter.

#1. I think the problem begins when you tell the father what to do instead of agreeing upon a time together. Tell him you would like to start over and work this out with him for your daughter's sake because she feels the tension between "us". See if he will cooperate that way. You must use a very friendly tone and mean it.

#2. If that doesn't work then tell him for whatever reasons it is difficult for the two of you to work out your differences and would like to sit down with a mediator and do what's best for "our" daughter.

If you live near Chicago I recommend Bill London who has been doing this for years and has been a child advocate for Cook County. His office is on Sheridan Rd. Otherwise call up the IL Mediators Assoc. Before meeting with the Mediator, ask them what their focus would be during the meeting. They must say that their focus is what is best for your child, otherwise find another one.

#3. The courts are the last place you want to go.

M.
Professional Counselor
www.children-and-divorce.net

I had this problem once before.Remember soften him with kindness talk to him nicely and explain to him what your rules are if he does not listen then take action. Take him court and have his visitation rights shortened. Sounds to me like has not e very fit father and does not have any respect to your rules. He will continue to what he wants if you dont put a stop to it soon. Not to mention she is little girl they have to be taken better care more of than a boy! God luck to you.

hi L.,

I agree with Madeline's advice. You don't want to end up in a courtroom in front of a judge, things can turn against you very quickly there is a big trend toward protecting father's rights these days.

A professional mediator is a great resource. I have a friend who went that route and the mediator she used took 'no nonsense' from her ex and basically told him 'this is how it is going to be for the welfare of your daughters'.

If he does not go along with what the mediator puts down, then it's time to go to court. If you do go to court I have to disagree with the person who said to represent yourself, please do get a good family law attorney to protect your rights. Your ex might be really angry about being taken to court and can take revenge in the form of trying to limit YOUR rights.

Sorry, don't mean to scare you... I've just seen this kind of scenario turn for the worst with friends when in a courtroom and having the original decree amended.

Someone else asked if you are being reasonable with your ex and his family's rights. Please remember it is not up to you to dictate certain times, rather you should all be able to agree on a schedule - if you do not have a particular schedule in your original divorce decree this is something a mediator can definitely help with.

As far as you having a boyfriend - good for you, girl! That is absolutely none of your ex's business nor his family's business. Do keep in mind however if you find yourself in front of a judge that could get brought up and questioned - especially if your boyfriend stays over or is living with you or doing anything that could be perceived as contributing to an unhealthy environment.

best of luck to you!

W.

Visitation is a fathers right and I know my husband had to take his ex-wife to court to get the visitation put into writing because she did not like that he had married me.
I would say go to family court and just get an agreement drawn up. I know it is drastic action but it will work out better in the long run; when your daughter starts school in a year she will need to be on a regular schedule. Better to get it in writing now.

Best of Luck

I would do it the legal way and take him to court. The sad part about the situation is that men think by aggrevating us and doing what's not right is hurting us. Go to court so you won't have to deal with him acting childish for the rest of your life.

Who is being less fair, L.? You for reminding him of what's been agreed upon and lawful? Or him by making up his OWN rules and creating some "family army" to help him push you around?

It shouldn't be so tangled a process, L., and I agree with all these open-minded women who have responded. Communication is KEY, but if you can't get through to him one-on-one, go the legal route or this problem will not go away. It will only grow. At the very least, find an arbitrator and a child advocate. Start slow and start small.

(And thank you, Helen D for your reminder that we not generalize on gender. Man that irritates me! Thank you! Ladies this door TOOOOOTALLY swings both ways!)

I had my second child at 26 and, I know, hon, it's not only hard but it's scary at times, too.

Hell, I have a very dear friend in her mid-50's and is dealing with the same problem of her actual HUSBAND strong-arming her in their marriage and family matters and having HIS family back him up and intimidate her, as well. You don't want this mess to follow you and your children through the years.

Obtain some legal counsel and, at the very least, show this bully and his family that they are not only crossing a moral line in their behavior, but that they're crossing a legal one. Arrange your custody rules in writing for all to memorize. There will be no more of his being "iffy" about what time he brings your daughter home!

Thank you for trusting us on this board with your personal information. I apologize for the rudeness of others who - if somehow limited in their own ability to understand your dilemma here - couldn't exercise better manners and simply "post nothing" rather than comment on your posting style. Please pardon their ignorance. *hugs* Good luck to you! Let us know what happens! God bless.