Joint Custody Is Not Working.

It sounds like he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter. I don't see how this is bad for her. Perhaps inconvenient for you, but most parts of parenting are inconvenient.

You won't get sole custody based on the things you mentioned. However, there is LOTS of space between your current situation and sole legal and physical custody.

My advice would be: File to have the physical custody agreement modified to something more specific, that addresses the issues you two are having. "Up to 120 days" is too vague because it leaves you RESPONSIBLE for all 365 while you wait to see which 120 he chooses, but by the same token, unable to make any DECISIONS for your days because you don't know when they will be.

If it is impossible to know and/or stick to a set schedule forever, have something like "Father's parenting time, 120 nights per year, will be scheduled in 6 month increments at least 3 months in advance. By October 1 of each year, Father will submit to mother requested nights for January 1-June 1 of the following calendar year. Mother will have until October 15 to request changes. Schedule will be set by October 30. By March 1, Father will request nights June 1 to January 1. Mother will have until March 15 to request changes."

You can also fix pick up and drop-off times easily with wording like "Transportation between mother's home and visiting location with father will be provided by the receiving parent. All exchanges will occur between 9am and 7pm, with specific times arranged by parents."

You can also ask to have tie-breaking authority for things like daycare (since you are the one who has to deal with daycare). If you get it, you would get the authority to make the final decision if the two of you can't agree, but only with documented good-faith efforts to reach a reasonable middle ground.

Hope this helps.

T.

do you really want to be responsible for making it harder for him to see her? I mean if she loves him and hes a good dad, regardless of how annoying he is to you, do you want to be the one to take that relationship away? Dropping her off at 9:30 a few nights a year doesnt seem so bad to write him out of her life

I agree that if he only gets her the summers he should get the summer and not have to work around your schedule and summer plans. Cant you do a vacation in the winter or fall with her instead?

Some of this is very hard to understand.

He what's the daycare? What is fughts? If you live 500 miles away, I'm not seeing how he can do anything with the daycare.

If it is not set out in the custody arrangement that he has to pay for preschool, then he doesn't and legally have to do so. If he agreed and is now backing out, you'll have to pay unless you get the court order changed. And even if you do, it won't change retroactively so he won't have to reimburse you more than likely.

I'm a bit confused about the "120 nights" thing. My impression is that he is awarded visitation over the summer of 120 nights. If the 3 weeks you want interferes with his 120 nights, then there is nothing you can do. He is entitled to have her for that period of time and he does not have to give it up because you've decided that you want 21 of those nights.

As for pick-up and drop-off, 10:00 is kind of late, but if he doesn't see her that much because he lives so far away, I don't think it's unreasonable.

Bottom line is I doubt that the court will change the custody arrangement just because your ex won't give you what you want and you don't feel like you can work with him.

All the judge is going to tell you is for the two of you to figure it out. To get sole custody you would have to prove him to be an unfit parent. They don't grant sole custody because the parents can't figure out logistics.

I know it's frustrating. Good luck.

None of those things are going to get you full custody. He doesn't even sound like an unfit parent, he sounds like he's fighting to get as much time with his daughter as possible and to have as much say as he can in her upbringing when he can't be physically present. My suggestion is that you work with him. I have a strong feeling that his side of the story would be much different than yours.

Please see your attorney for advice on your particular situation.

Be aware, however, that unless he is in serious violation of your current order, sufficient for the court to hold him in contempt and/or deny visitation, or unless material circumstances existing at the time of your divorce decree have changed, you are probably not going to be able to modify your divorce decree to get your custody arrangement changed.

As a general idea, joint physical custody is a very bad idea, even though it is a very trendy one at the moment. It is ludicrous to assume that two people who can't get along to the point that they divorce are going to be able to harmoniously get along in a joint physical custody arrangement after a divorce.

Best of luck to you and condolences! The divorce system is evil. It is designed to destroy any positive relationship you might have with your former spouse and to extract every bit of money both of you might have for absolutlely no good end.

You are not alone in this. First I would like to say that obtaining sole custody is not what you need. It is not necessary and takes way too much money and taxes the children big time. Do you have access to a mediator? I live in Illinois where Bethany Home for Children and Families have wonderful mediators. They are all for the children. They take the frustration out of the situation and put it in plain and simple terms. I have had wonderful results. If it gets worse then a program that we had called Safe Passage is something you should also look into. It is a program that takes the child from one parent to the other end of the building to the other parent. That is worse case scenario. I believe in your case, you simply need to have a mediator that is on the outside looking in. Best wishes and hang in there.

I dont know about CO but here in TX most standard divorce decrees state (at least mine does) that if my ex wants the kids during the summer he has to make his plans and present them to me in writing my April 15th in order to gaurantee them with no arguement otherwise he will has to schedule around my plans. READ YOUR DIVORCE very carefully.

I should add i have sole custody of my 2 children and the ex has possesory (he gets to see them and pay child support but no rights to legal decisions at all) but i have read a couple friends divorces as well who have joint custody and theirs says the same thing. Mine was written for me to have sole from the beginning so i dont know how difficult it would be to get it changed after the fact.

I don't know if they have this in your state but we were court ordered to see a "special master" it is a co-parenting therapist who is also specialized in working with the courts. We have to present all of our issues with him and he helps us decide before going to court over it...kind of like a referee. So far it has worked pretty well. See if your state has anything like this and maybe you could use that for future battles?

I would contact a lawyer about getting a more modified visitation in order. Staying up until 10 pm will NOT be good for her going to school! I don't know of ANY teacher who would support this! You aren't trying to take the daughter away you just want her to have a more reliable schedule! And that is good! You just have to get it legalized! I don't see how he has a say in anything he isn't paying for! If he doesn't like the daycare so what! No judge will say you are a bad mother for paying for one that works for you and your child just because he doesn't like it! I would try to get it worked so that he gets more summer time and she doesn't have to travel such a distance all the time! He needs to see what is best for her not just him!! A full nights sleep is very important to a child! Especially at this age! If he wants to spend more time with her he needs to move closer to his child!

Our decree, and I thought this was standard language, is he has till March 1st to pick his summer vacations. Is there anything like that in your decree?

It would seem adding a deadline would be more reasonable than taking his visitation away. It will also look more reasonable to the courts if you have to go there.

I can assure you, god knows I have tried, they won't give you sole custody just because you can't work it out. I think the courts enjoy watching the drama but I can't prove it. :p

First...if you have primary physical custody then is sounds like you do not have joint legal and physical custody...you have joint legal custody with you having placement.

You can continue to have joint legal custody but get a modification of his visitation...I suggest you do it now before she starts school and his late flights start affecting her schooling. The other option would be to go for sole custody and still modify the visitation.

Either way you will need to file a petition in family court. If you think he will fight you, get a lawyer. Be reasonable in what you are asking for (ask for more than you want so that you can "give a little" and still get most of what you want) and ALWAYS make it about what is best for your child.

Are you married to my ex??????

You're going to need to talk to a lawyer. Under the cirucmstances that you describe the judge will laugh you out of the courtroom and tell you BOTH to grow up. grrrrrrr. I know. I've been there.

One of the things my lawyer said to me up front when discussions came around to me moving out of state was that she would not work that kind of a deal unless he agreed to giving me sole custody, for EXACTLY the reasons above that you state.

The simple answer is that you have to find out what his motivators are and then appeal to them.

In my ex's case..... it was a brand new truck that he wanted to purchase and the disgust he felt at paying me child support each month.

Easy-peasy. He agrees to give me sole custody. I agree to "dramatically reduce" child support (to about 10% of the original figure). He even ended up with MORE days of visitation than he would have had in a standard every other weekend and each wed night agreement...... so, everyone is happy. (ok - yes, I get that it is not that simple).

In your case...... because he is not the primary physical custodial parent.... his 120 allowed days probably does trump your summer vacation plans (check the wording in your decree). Especially if there is travel involved (unless you are going to fly her back to see you at your expense, after suspending those days so they don't take away from his 120).

But he HAS to pay for pre-school, if that's court ordered and he agreed to it.... or he's in contempt of court.

So, focus on what you can impact to get a paper trail started. Give him his 120 days. WHENEVER he wants them. Hire a lawyer to go after the pre-school money.

Our decree states that my daughter has to be returned to me by 5pm and no less than 10 days before school starts in the summer. Modify your decree to put in stipulations about return. spell out everything.

This will cost you bunches of money. TONS, in fact. At some point..... depending on how much money he has..... he will try to work a deal with you to end the fight. The deal is sole custody for whatever he wants. No child support, extra visitation days. You pay all her travel (because then YOU control flight times) or whatever.

This is a HARD battle, especially if the dad is saying he wants to be involved. 120 days..... lots of kids have dads who won't see them that much in . And it's not one the judge wants to see or take part in. So, you have to work behind the scenes with a lawyer who is supportive of your end goal.

Good Luck.

Did you live that distance when the custody arrangement was initially agreed to? I ask this because 500 miles isn't right around the corner and the custody and visitation agreements may need to be modified to accomodate the new living distance.

Talk to an attorney experienced with court custody and visitation matters then proceed forward with some valuable information.

Don't be emotional in court just present the facts. As for the paying for preschool that is yet another matter which would be included with child support, which also needs to be put back on the table because of the custody and visitation issues will be on the table. Remember always that custody, visitation and support are all separate issues in the eyes of the court and each matter needs to be reviewed when any altering events happen. In New Jersey this isn't done automatically but you actually have to file the proper paperwork to have each matter reviewed and under consideration. Make certain you have all of your ducks in order and leave your emotions at home, locked in locked closet and throw away the key.

I really feel for you! We have joint pyhsical and legal and I'm the school placement parent and primary residence.
I'm meeting with my attorney in an hour as my ex and I are not in agreement over visitation and child support (he moved out of state). Eventhough he's over 9 hours away and the kids are with me 80%+ of the time, I've been told it would be VERY difficult and costly to attempt to get custody changed.
Talk to an attorney and have documented proof for everything! Sorry I don't really have any answers, but just know there are others dealing with the same thing...good luck