My Daughter Hates Her Crib.

my daughter slept with us until she was 2 and 1/2 at which time my husband and I felt like it was time to we moved her to her own bed. Co-sleeping just felt right to all of us. The transition was relatively easy with only a few nights of crying. Now she's 3 and 1/2 and still in her own bed and sleeping great. I think it's a myth that they don't transition into thier own beds if they sleep with you as a baby and that special snuggle time we got with her is something we will always cherish.

Is there a reason she's gotta sleep in a crib? She's almost a year old, and it sounds like she's used to sleeping in a bed, so maybe it would work better to bypass the crib. Also, maybe transitioning her to some sort of bed in your room, rather than hers right away may go over better--even if the "bed" is just the crib mattress on the floor at night, slid under your bed to save space in the daytime. We were in the same situation with our little girl last summer--needed to get her more or less into her own bed because we had a new baby coming, but we are also very space-constrained here. We found a neat little toddler-sized hammock with a stand on ebay that turned out to be just the thing to put next to our bed for her. Does she like it? Yes! Does she sleep in it all night every night? No, she still climbs in with us sometimes, and, on cold nights, I put her in with us, 'cause the house can be chilly--normal stuff at almost 2 years old. She does sleep in it enough to suit us--and I think that, when the nights get warm this summer, she'll probably truly prefer it to sleeping with Mama & Daddy.
At any rate, I would say that your girlie probably isn't into sleeping in her own room, especially in a crib that she can't get out of, which means she can't get to Mama if she needs to (in her mind, this is maybe how it looks). Kids that totally freak like that are usually scared of something, rather than anything else. But she's not old enough to tell you what. It could be anything from what I just said, to not liking the sound/feel/smell of the plastic crib mattress. What does she think of the crib with the side down so she can get out?

If you want your daughter in her own bed, in her own room, you will have to let her cry it out. It hasn't worked because, as you said, you gave up after a week and a half. Put her in her crib, in her own room, say goodnight, and let her cry herself to sleep. Do it for naps and for nighttime, as many times as it takes. It will be even harder to do now, since you let her cry her way out of her crib before.

Co-sleeping is a lot easier, and I always found it pleasant for me and my kids, and one less battle to have to fight. But other battles with kids require the "cry it out" approach, and when you start it, you have to finish it, or you have just made things worse for you and the kids. They need to understand that whining and crying are not effective ways of getting whatever it is they want, and that "yes" and "no" mean "yes" and "no."

Hi M.....So sorry you are going thru this! My son actually hated sleeping in his crib as well, although he didn't lose it as bad as it sounds like your daughter is.....in any case once I became preggers w/ my daughter, we knew we'd have to put the crib in her room...once we switched my son to a regular twin bed, he hasn't been a problem since.....It was easy to lay w/ him to console him, etc. Maybe a twin bed would be a better answer than the crib. Just a thought. I hope it all works out for you! Keep us posted :)

Hi M.,
Well, I can certainly understand wanting the closeness to your baby, and I can understand she is used to that and anything else is not going to make her very happy. That is one of the problems with co-sleeping. The transition is very, very difficult. I will say honestly I don't have any other suggestions different from any of the others made here. But I would be interested to know what your husband thinks of all of this. Once we become parents, especially mothers, we have a tendency to become completey inwrapped in that world of being a just a mother. I am speaking from experience, so please just hear me out. My husband really got ignored and left out for quite a while and 4 kids later, we are just now beginning to work on restoring our husband/wife relationship. I didn't mean to leave him out, but having that first baby just changed something in me and I have struggled ever since to find the right balance of wife and mother. Yes, I believe our children come first. But let me just say, if we are making it difficult for our husbands/mates to feel they are still loved and can still be intimate with us, we are doing them a great disservice, and in the end, it becomes a great disservice to our children as well when they don't see a loving relationship displayed for them to see every day. I would just ask of you, if you haven't already, to ask your husband what he thinks of all of this and how he feels about it. If he feels left out or ignored or second rate. My own husband made it very clear to me he was feeling a great sense of loss of intimacy between us. That pretty much decided it for me. Things had to change. I did let all my kids CIO, but not without checking on them frequently and patting their little bottoms and saying mama loves you. All 4 are growing up feeling very secure in our love and care for them. I know you aren't a proponent of that so that's all I'll say about it. But I would just encourage you to include your husband in your decision making and problem solving. You might be surprised at the ideas he could come up with! And yes, you're right, nobody gets the sleep they need, baby or parents, when co-sleeping. I really do feel for you and I hope you get it solved, and soon for everybody's sake! And just one more thing to think about. Our babies don't know what is best for them. That is our job as parents to make good decisions for them. They only know what they want and what makes them feel good at that given point in time. We don't let our kids run out in the street, even though they think it sounds like fun. We don't let them touch a hot stove or climb up on top of dressers etc, because we know it is not a good decision, even though they tell us that's what they want. The same is true of this situation. Your baby does not have the capability of seeing the big picture, looking down the road and seeing what will be best in the long run. She just knows what gives her the warm fuzzies right now. So you need to decide what is best in the end for your child as well as the rest of your family. God bless.

Hi,
I had to respond, not because I have an answer but just to let you know I'm going through the exact same thing. My son had acid reflux in the beginning too, so he ended up sleeping with us a lot, and has now wants nothing to do with his crib. He will be 1 in a week and the only way we can get him in his crib is after he has fallen asleep in our bed. Other than that he starts screaming when you even walk towards his crib day or night. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it, though our doctor suggested just putting his mattress on the floor and getting rid of the crib all together (since he will sleep on just about any other bed, as long as it doesn't have bars). I haven't tried that yet, but a few more sleepless nights and that may end up being our answer. Good luck!

Hi M.,
We co-sleep and my son is 15 months. I felt for a long time that I needed to get him to his own bed/crib. Then I realized that he is happiest with us and we love sleeping with him.
It makes me feel good to read the other mom's who co-slept and their children moved out of the bed just fine. We are waiting until our son is a little older and can communicate better to move him out.
Don't worry about the crib thing, you can try a toddler bed later on. If it is not a strain on your marriage, then keep her with you.
My mom always says that when they are ready they will get down from your lap. We don't have to push them off.
take care.

we never had a crib. transitioned slowly and gently from co-sleeping to toddler bed next to ours to big bed in own room. very few tears, lots of cuddles in my bed every morning.

M.,
First, don't let anybody tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Every child is different and apart from trying our suggestions, YOU are the only one that knows your child and her unhappiness.
Now, just some helpful thoughts. :) Do you put your daughter in a play pin during the day? This may work out a little easier. If you get a portable play pin and introduce her to it, maybe have it in your bedroom for a little while. My daughter would not sleep in her crib either. She would fall asleep standing up and the second she started sliding down she scream all over again. It wasn't until my ex and I seperated and I had brought her crib into my room, she was about a year at that point. Also, noise distractions are good. Not necessarily mobils, there is a leapfrog lilly that plays night night songs and also does shapes and colors. my daughter loved this thing and began singing herself to sleep with it. hope this helps, but remember you're going to have to try alot to find what works for your little girl! good luck!

Hi M.,
I know you mentioned that you like the closeness of co-sleeping, but feel like your daughter isn't getting the right kind of sleep. Can I ask if you're nursing her at night? I just night-weaned my son about a month ago at 11 months old because of the same issue; feeling as though he wasn't sleeping soundly, waking up frequently (to nurse). He is now sleeping great at night, in our bed, for the most part. When he wakes up at 5:00 or 6:00 to nurse, I turn on a bedside lamp and say "good morning" to him to differentiate between night and day for him.

If you really are finished with co-sleeping and want her out of your room, I think the advice given from other moms here is fabulous.

Best of luck to you!

What we did with our co-sleeping son is put our boxspring and mattress on the floor and then buy this crib from IKEA- http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/60116007 that is really low to the ground and remove one of the sides. So now his crib bumps up with our bed and so he can see us if he ever wakes up. But since we all have our own space everyone sleeps better and is happier in the morning. It's not moving her out of your room, but it might make her more comfortable with the crib and create an easier transition.

My son hated his crib too. When he was about a year old, we got a toddler bed and a new mattress that was a little softer. It meant we all got more rest, no more co-sleeping. My husband swears my son was dancing as the crib was being taken down :)

My son also hated his crib, at 15 months I put him into a big boy bed and he started going to bed and sleeping through the night for the first time.
maybe a mattress on the floor for now until she can get in and out of a bed safely, bed guards work well too.
Some children just don't like the feeling of not being able to get out or being alone.
good luck, hope this helps a little

My son was like that. We gave up with the crib. We put him in a playpen he seemed to be fine. So we kept him there until he was old enough for a toddler bed... to get him use the whole bed thing, we begin by putting the mattress on the floor so that if he fell off ( hence falling out of the bed) it wouldn't be too far off the ground. Plus we put a body pillow there too. Then he got his toddler bed... and away he goes..

I couldn't do the cry it out thing either pretty much because both my husband and I had to work and I have 2 stepkids. We all needed our sleep. (the stepkids mom would rip their dad a new one when the kids would be sleepy). So that wasn't an option. We tried for 2 months.
Good luck.

I do not like the cry it out method either. My daughter is 11 months and for naps she sleeps on the couch. She likes to be cuddled so putting her slightly upright in the corner makes her feel cuddled and close. She sleeps great in the corner, i put a pillow on the floor in case she rolls off and a light blanket over her. I can do my housework, talk on the phone etc and she doesn't wake up. At night she sleeps with me and my husband. It isn't ideal, but I love having her there, my husband is just dealing. They grow up so fast. We will be transitioning her straight into a toddler bed when she is a little older. We did this with my now 3 year old son and he is a great sleeper. No issues at all. As long as your daughter sleeps she is getting the right kind of sleep. She probably is like my daughter and loves the closeness.
I wouldn't worry about her sleeping in a crib, we have barely used ours. I think the transition from your bed to a toddler bed will be easier than to a crib because it has the feel of your bed, what she is used to. A crib feels so isolated and flat and alone. I would just have her co-sleep with you until it is time to transition to a toddler or twin bed then start putting her down for naps in the toddler bed. Then move onto through the night. Transitioning will be hard no matter what, but what we did just worked. Again, our 3 year old goes to bed with no problem and sleeps through the night no problem. Ocassional nightmare, but that is normal. Continue to do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. It is all trial and error, what works for one doesn't work for everyone. Good luck.

Hi,
My 11 month old girl is currently co-sleeping with us, too. She wakes up when I lay her down in a bassinet/playard. She can sleep independently in our bed if I lay down with her until she is asleep. Our plan is to get a twin size mattress on the floor for her room instead of a crib so that I can lay down in it with her until she is asleep and then I can move to my bed. I'm thinking if there is carpet beneath the mattress and her room is baby proofed with a gate at the door that she will be safe. So that is our plan and I hope it helps you come up with an idea for a happy sleeping arrangement for your family.
Jen

We had family bed with our daughter. She just moved out of our bed. She is 7. Good luck.
Stephanie

Sounds like a tough situation.

From what you've described, I think the problem is that she is scared of being alone.

The only thing I can think of is a gradual desensitizing process. Starting with 1-2 minutes or even less, put her in the crib, and stand there with her talking to her happily. Before you set her down, prepare her by talking about how comfortable the crib is and tell her exactly what you expect to happen (in a calm relaxed tone "You're going to sit in the crib for a little bit and it's soo nice. You might not like it at first, but I bet you'll decide it is very comfortable..."). Make sure that you keep calm and don't allow yourself to get upset. She might be responding to your stress.

Once she gets comfortable with just being in the crib (after 10 times?), move away a little (farther than she likes but close enough so that she doesn't freak), repeating the process until she is calm, then increase the distance the next time you do it. If you do this 4 or 5 times a day, you may see progress in a couple of weeks. Make sure to praise her for trying and tell her what a brave girl she is no matter what happens.

Furthermore, I recommend reading M Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and another book (can't remember the author), "Raising your spirited child." These two books have really helped me develop some strategies for dealing with stuff.

Your statement in your request for advice says it all" My daughter hates her crib" It is real to her. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to figure out when things are very real to them versus fuss, tired, etc..when issues are real and we ignore them, we damage that trust bubt when he can, as parents (and it is somtimes labor intensive to do this) tune in to their fears, anxieties, wants and needs..then the trust is repaired and we all bloom.

Please see my post to another mom about cribs and my daughtert...it is postive story..all kids are different but as I said, your daughter has told you she is who she is and needs a different sleeping arrangment.

Lastly, my son co slept as a infant..transitioned nicely but since he was 4 and half, now six, comes into our room every night. He told me ...I need to be close to someone. When he falls asleep next to me while reading, he does not wake up...he is more secure...

Lastly...in no time flat, they all say when we stand in their bedroom door...hovering..Ah, mom, can you close the door.

Moms and dads find their way together too

I agree with others to not continue trying to force the crib issue. Naps and bedtime are supposed to feel sleepy and warm and safe and comforting, not scary and stressful.

I'm so glad that you recognized that the crying it out was not good for her. Can you imagine how confusing and frightening to be helpless and alone, calling out in fear, and your mother not responding to your cries? I'd flip out too if I was alone, terrifed and crying, and my husband or parent or friend was sitting in the other room, ignoring my cries and refusing to help me. Wouldn't you? That's a pretty understandable response for your daughter.

Work on rebuilding the trust with her. But not in the crib. It sounds like she has almost a post-traumatic stress type aversion to it at this point. Maybe you could get her comfortably down to sleep and then transfer her to a different bedding situation - one with which she doesn't have a negative association.

Good luck mama!

M.,
First of all... relax, you are doing a great job. I can say that because any mother that is consistant in trying to do what she thinks is best for her child is a good Mom. Don't be so hard on yourself. Second, I went through a similar experience with my daughter, now 20 months, from about 8 months to 15 months. We tried it all. She did not want to go in her crib. Most nights I ended up rocking her to sleep and then moving her at a snails pace to the crib just to have her wake up anyway. I feel your frustration. Third, although I never had her sleep with us in our bed I don't believe there is anything wrong with it especially if it equals less stress to her at this point in her development. What is more stressful to her and to you? Sleeping in your bed with you? or crying for unlimited amounts of time from being seperated? Also, know that "this too shall pass". There is no ONE answer so don't let anyone tell you there is. Each child and each family dynamic is different. You are connected to her in a way no one else is and you will know, with a Mother's instint, when the time is right to make small changes that will challenge her to stretch and grow in her bedtime routine.
For me, and you can determine if something like this would appeal to you... I waited until she was a little older, about 15 months, and then I started her on a strict night time routine. We made a chart with pictures for each phase of the routine. Bath, Snack, Brush Teeth, Read a Story, Prayers, Bed. After each one we would go to the chart and say, "We had our bath didn't we?" and pointed to the picture. Then, point to the next one and say, "Now it's time for a snack." and then... "Now it's time to go brush our teeth right?" and so on and so on. Amazingly enough, after only a couple of nights she settled quickly and was calm and ready for her bed.

Good luck. Let us know how everything works out. I wish the best for you and your precious girl.

Hello M.,

May I ask if you are concerned about your daughter getting enough sleep or you? Intermittent sleeping is very normal for small children, babies. In fact, almost universal, I believe. I would not be concerned about your 11 month old's sleep patterns, she will get enough rest between nights and napping. So, let her sleep with you, she is telling you that she wants a more close sleeping situation, needs more comfort at night than her own room and crib can provide.
My 21 month old still sleeps with me (until he is 2), and although we have had many ups and downs as far as sleep patterns, we do okay I am just a little more tired some days than others. The best thing is that he and I get to feel wonderful about the fact that every night for the first 2 years of his life, he went to sleep in his mama's arms and slept next to his parents, no crying involved. The Sears' Baby Book (highly recommend it) talks a lot about this and how important it is in their development and sense of security in starting out their lives.

If wanting to get your daughter into her own room in a crib is more about you wanting to sleep more solidly without her in your bed, then have you read the "no cry sleep solution?" I hear wonderful things about it.

Best of luck.

A.

Dear M.,

it is true that 'Cry it out' does not work for all and I never believed in this approach anyway. Our kids are the best guides to tell us what works best for them and what makes them happy. Some are more sensitive and keen observers and need a certain environment to find their comfort zone. I will tell you our story, perhaps you will find some leads.

My son never liked the bessinet or crib either. We had him in our bed in a in-bed co-sleeper till 4 months and then we put his crib next to our bed with railing down on our bedside. I would sleep on that side so we were next to each other though in separate beds. When he got older and able to climb out, he would come to our bed and find a place between me and my husband to sleep. However, this was only for the night. For day time naps, we put him in our large king size bed secured with pillows and bed rails. I never liked the crib myself as it seems a cage like enclosure with not much space to move around. So we started to look for other options and found toddler and twin beds to be too small and unsafe. Kids move around 360 degrees and need a lot more space. Finally, At about age 14 months, we found a big love seat with back and side supports and full bed width at IKEA ($450, comes in blue and red colors), which is perfect for us. Wish we had found it sooner. We put it next to our bed and it was so convenient for my son to come in our bed later at night. He was sleeping better too. At age 5, my son is still in that love seat though we moved it away at 2 yrs age, it is still in our room. I can't imagine putting him in another room and worry all night about his safety. He still comes in our bed in the early morning hours or later at night, but we are okay with it. Yes, it is a bit uncomfortable for him and us as he kicks around and often sleeps perpendicular to us, but what is more important that he is happy and thriving.

Good Luck to you in finding your way.
-Rachna

Have you tried putting something of yours in the crib with her so that she can "smell" you in the crib? I had to do that with my daughter because she would do the same thing. I would have to wait until she was asleep to put her to bed, but even then as soon as her head hit the pillow she was up and crying. I finally had to use the cry it out method when she was 7 or 8 months (I tried a long time to get her to sleep other ways). It took about a month of her crying for hours before I could get her to sleep. Other than the clothing item, putting on soft music has helped. I use the same CD every night so that it becomes background music for her (and now my son). If none of that works, I would seriously try putting a mattress on the floor and seeing if she will sleep there. She could just be afraid of not being able to get to you if she needs to. And if you don't mind her coming in to your room at night if she's scared, then who needs a crib? I would just make sure all doors are shut tight and any place in the house you don't want her to be is baby gated at night. It is going to be a very difficult transition to go from co-sleeping to sleeping on her own at this age. She's not really old enough to understand why she is being kicked out after almost a year. Hope this helps and good luck!

Dear M.,

I agree with the moms who said it is totally OK to co-sleep with your children. There are so many damaging believes out there (damaging to children that is). I am a psychologist in training and it makes my heart shrink in horror when I read advice how you "should let your kids cry it out, get them used to comforting themselves, being alone, etc." at such an early age. It is absolutely natural for children to want to be close to their parents, seek for comfort, and be comforted. It is only psychologically healthy to respond to children needs, which they communicate through crying. I have 21-month-old twins and we co-sleep just fine. This has been the most comfortable and convenient for us. Each child is different. It sounds like your needs more closeness and comfort (although that is quite common), and it is totally fine. You can co-sleep, or maybe have her sleep next to you as other mom suggested.