My Dad Keeps Parenting My Kids When I'm Right There

I would say... give him a break. The screaming & loudness of 3 kids is probably excruciating to him, since he wears a hearing aid.

Also, I think kids DO need to learn how to be quiet when adults are talking, grandparents or not. I don't think kids should be "seen & not heard", but they also need to know how to have some manners when adults are talking.

Kids can play quietly, in another room, or outside if they're being too loud or rambunctious for adults to converse over them.

When my parents made a move to correct my daughter with me there, I just told them, "Mom, Dad, I've got it."

For an elderly person wearing a hearing aid, it is probably downright painful to listen to screaming kids. The fact that he has to keep telling them this says that: A) they aren't listening to adults very well, and B) you haven't stepped in and done anything to make them lower their voices. Can children be quiet (or play quietly in another room) for an hour while adults talk? YES. It happens in my household every day. Kids have to practice this, but it can be done. I would suggest that you work with your kids on this skill on a daily basis so that the next time Grandpa comes to visit, they are able to be respectful of his disability and not cause him to be in pain! If you teach them this, your dad will not need to say a word - and I'm sure he'd prefer not to have to discipline his grandchildren, but rather enjoy them.

Start with teaching them to watch and wait for a break in the conversation before asking for help/attention. At first they may only be able to wait 10 seconds. They should work up to being able to wait as long as they have to. I tell my kids that if the house isn't on fire, or if nobody is bleeding, WAIT to be acknowledged before speaking. If there's an emergency, then obviously they can interrupt - but it had better be an emergency.

It's not so much that children should be seen and not heard, but that children shouldn't have to be the center of everyone's attention, always.

I think it is healthy for us to allow our parents to discipline our children (depending upon the form of discipline being used.) It lets our kids know that Grandma and Grandpa are also authority figures, and that they must obey them too. We have a similar situation here--my kids are roughly the same age, and as my dad has gotten older, he's become a bit of a crotchety old man (my mom agrees with this statement, not trying to put him down.) Still, when he has had enough of the noise, he WILL speak up and say something to my kids (and my sister's kids).

When I was growing up my grandma used to babysit us at her house while my parents were at work. My grandpa had Parkinson's disease and sat in a wheelchair all day, but when we got out of hand running around the house he'd sometimes reach out his cane and trip us as we ran by him, and then he'd pretend it wasn't him. (I know, off point, but your story just reminded me of my Gramps' attempt to discipline us :)

Kid's don't just magically wake up one day and start acting polite. It takes practice and discipline. If you admit they are being loud around people who are trying to have a conversation, you need to be the one who steps up and fixes the problem.

My grandmother also used hearing aids and she explained that they aren't like having your old ears back. They pick up everything and when someone is talking to you, the sounds of the children in the background can override what you are trying to say to him. If he turns up the device, it only makes everything louder, but it doesn't solve the problem of singling out your voice in the mess of noise.

Taking this issue into consideration, you should train your kids to behave around grandpa so he isn't left out of the conversation because he can't make out anything you're trying to say, just so you can let your kids do whatever they want.

I feel for you though. My five year old is loud and her motor mouth starts up at 7am and doesn't wind down until she's in bed at night. We've practiced playing the quiet game though. And I've discovered activities that will keep her occupied and quiet for small stretches of time.

Get yourself a "quiet baby" bag of tricks and whip them ALL out when it's time to visit grandpa. When my kid drinks a sippy cup of liquid, it takes her a good ten minutes to finish the whole thing. It acts like a cork and keeps her quiet. Sippy done, time to switch to another quiet activity. And so on and so forth until your visit is done. Then they can ramp up again after you get back home. They won't be deprived or wounded if you force them to be quiet for an hour.

Good training for when you want to take them to the movies, or the library, or any other place that requires a lower vocal volume...

You can approach this from both directions: kids and Grandpa.

Explain to your kids that Grandpa isn't used to being around small children, so they need to work hard at not being too active, using their "inside voices" etc.Practice at home. Explain that the hearing aids he has to wear make sounds much louder and that very loud sounds can cause physical pain in his head. It's good for kids to develop this kind of empathy. You can remind them before you go in by saying "we're going to use our Grandpa manners." Practice not interrupting adult conversations. This can be a fun family project if you handle it right.

Also assure your dad that you are working on this with the kids. Tell him that they are learning to speak more quietly and to wait for an opening in the conversation before they speak. Explain to him the importance of the kids being able to be part of conversations. Then ask him to let you do the reminding. "If they get too loud for you let me know so I can coach them and remind them of what they're learning." He'll know what you mean.

You might also come up with some stories for the kids to tell your dad...things they did at school, things you saw as a family, etc. And make craft projects or drawings to take him so they have those things to tell him about. And remind Dad to listen to the kids. That's how they will learn their listening skills...by being listened to.

Even the 1 year old can learn to be polite and that behavior at Grandpa's house has to be different than behavior at home.

Having these "people skills" will be good for your kids in many situations.

Human brains can filter noises we hear so the sound of everything doesn't make us crazy. Hearing aids pick up everything. What is normal to you is probably uncomfortable to him volume-wise. He's probably reacting to his discomfort first and not even thinking that he's parenting your kids.

You say yourself your kids are loud. I don't know if they act more reserved when you're visiting non-family. If so, then put those rules in place when visiting dad. We tend to let our kids be a bit freer with family than with non-family. If you're talking to your dad for an hour in one room, send the kids to another room or have them play outside. It's just as bad to expect your dad to struggle with trying to hear over all your kids for an hour as it is to expect them to be quiet. Balance is the key.

My FIL wears hearing aids. He describes the noise by the kids like having a funnel in his ear and every noise they make is amplified 10 times what I am hearing.

It is hurting this man's ear drums for them to even be making normal noise.

So, yes, they should be quieter than normal. Especially if he has them turned up so he can hear your conversation.

May I suggest that you plan ahead when you want to sit down and visit with him and leave the kids with hubby or mom or someone else so you and dad can visit.

Can you afford to stay in a hotel? If you can swing it, I would do that. When he starts telling them to be quiet, gather them up and take them back to the hotel. When he asks why, tell him that since he doesn't want to hear his grandkids, you are leaving.

He will get the message that if he wants to spend time with your family, he has to stop telling them to be quiet.

Dawn

My opinion is it depends where you are. If someone elses kids are in my house, I dont have a problem telling them the rules or to stop doing something, I would not yell at someone elses kids though. If he is in your house, I would tell him, this is my home, and the kids home, not yours, dont tell them what to do. If they are breaking my rules I will deal with it. Or you could just address the way hes talking to them. Im sure if he said please try not to yell because grandpa has a hard time hearing, or something like that it wouldnt be an issue. You can just tell him, if you want my kids to do something, you can ask them politely, just the way you would want them to speak to you. Please dont yell at them. If hes partly deaf, he may not realize how loud he is being.

Is it possible that his hearing aids are turned up too loudly? When my girls are around, my Gram has to turn her hearing aids down or the hearing aids squeal. Then she's all, "What? What did you say? I didn't hear what she said, Jess... did Juliana say she went bear hunting?"

You're guests in this man's home. It's respectful to make sure that he's not in pain while the children are there. He's not "disciplining" them but trying to stop his intense discomfort and pain. It really isn't a matter of "children should be seen and not heard." It's a matter of your father wanting to participate in his family by not having to turn down his hearing aid.

Now, I'm of the mind that "kids will be kids" however they can learn to keep the noise levels down out of respect for others. If you're having a conversation and the expectation is to keep noise levels down for an hour, then keep them occupied for an hour. Or go outside where their voices won't echo. Have a "no screaming" rule. Children don't HAVE to scream and shout. As guests, preemptive rules would be polite. Keeping the children occupied and quieter than usual would be polite. The children's "right to be noisy" isn't really a right at all, but disrespectful. I see no reason to have a "talk" with your father at all. Just do your best to quiet the children and get help from your husband.

I know it's easier on the budget to stay with your hosts, but I would probably start planning and saving in between trips from now on to stay in a hotel or motel in the evenings to give the children a break as well as your hosts. It's probably not much fun for your father to keep asking the children to quiet down, and it's not much fun for his ears either. They probably hurt his ears.

Keep the visits with Grandpa short.

Visit him ALONE for awhile when ever you can.

Least that's what I would try.

:)

Just calmly say Dad "I realize my kids can be loud but they are just kids and kids are loud. I hope you don't think they are being over the top but if they are, I will address it but you need to give me the chance".

There is nothing wrong with expecting kids to be quiet for a reasonable amount of time. You even admit that they are loud, and sure, most kids are, but you can tell them to use an inside voice, or "hold on sweetie, I'm talking to grandpa here". I agree with the previous post that the noise may be painful to him and he sounds frustrated.

I taught my kids early to interrupt if it was an emergency (and one time, the "emergency" was that it was snowing outside!), and to keep their voices at an appropriate level. And they were still very much typical kids- I didn't crush their self-esteem or break their spirit by doing this.

Try to prep your kids before visits with grandpa- let them know that his ears don't work as well and that they need to use a soft voice. Have them practice what a soft voice sounds like if you think they need it. Then have them try it in the car on the way over to his house.

If the problem still remains, at least you know that YOU tried to remedy the sitation. If that is the case, it may be time to limit the visits. Good luck!

Well parents sometimes forget their own kids are grown up and you can handle this. First its nice that he wants to help and not be passive but there is a time and a place. For yrs this same problem caused much strife between my mom and myself. My parents also discipline my kids the same way my husband and do. Its the fact that I am standing right there. She totally takes over. It caused problems between my parents because my dad said to my mom" let C. handles this "
Its obviously different if I am not in the room or I am running an errand. I have problems if I standing right there. She still takes especially taking charge in my kitchen in my house but overall she has made a consious effort to work on this. Could your mom talk your dad for you.

How old are you kids?

I guess it depends on the full story. First, he's a grandparent and does have some right to discipline your kids... if the parents aren't doing what they should be, and we're not there to see if you are or aren't. But there's also the issue of you being in his home. This is why we rarely stay with family and rarely visit. If they vary from how we parent and there's tension then we leave to keep the peace. When you're in someone else's home you have to tolerate their needs. There's no reason why you can't come up with something for an hour to keep the noise down while the adults talk. I have 7 year old triplets and it's annoying when they're being too loud or interupting when I'm trying to have a rare adult conversation. Turn on a show or movie, put them down for a nap, gather favorite toys to keep them occupied, or separate them if they're fighting. You can't control older people. You should be able to tell your father that you understand they're noisey because they are small children but he needs to be a bit more understanding. If he takes it well, great. If he doesn't then you do the best you can and accept the situation. We just cut a family trip short just for this reason. We brought 7 of us on a trip to my mom and former step dad's 2 small apartments and did what we could to keep things quiet but with 2 adults, 17 year old, 7 year old triplets and my 4 year old granddaughter things will get crazy now and then and we felt it was time to go before we things got too stressful. In the end, suck it up and do the best you can knowing the situation before you show up.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Tell him these are not his kids and he shouldn't discipline them.