My kids are 5 and 9. Boy and girl. Boy is the youngest, girl is the oldest.
They are to me, normal, expressive, noisy kids.
They also happen to have, naturally loud voices.
My Husband's visiting Sister In Law and her Niece (from Europe), are complaining to my Husband that my kids are too noisy.
WTH?
She says, that her kids were never noisy nor expressive like my kids. It was quiet, when they were growing up and there was absolutely no "drama" as kids may do.
My Husband of course, echoes this.
Saying while growing up, he nor his family/siblings, were never noisy.
It was like growing up in a Library.
It really irks me, that the visiting Sister In Law... is "complaining" about this, to my Husband. And of course, they look AT me... as though it is my fault..... like somethng is "wrong" that kids are noisy or expressive. And not just existing in the background, per their presence.
His Sister In Law and Niece said, to my Husband, that they can't take it anymore.
Like my kids are just odd and abnormal.
And that I as the Mom... is lacking and it gives my Husband even more to "complain" about me, to her.
Anyway, just wanted to know what you all thought?
I told my Husband, that our friends' kids are "noisy" normal kids too.... not only ours.
He said, he knows nothing of that. But we have kids over at our house all the time for playdates, and it is noisy as the kids play and interact.
To have them look down upon it, like something is "wrong" with my kids and me as a Mom... is really irritating.
Oh and the Niece, today is not even wanting to play with my Daughter... saying she can't take it anymore. Because my daughter is too loud/noisy/always wants to play. Mind you, the Niece is a 12 year old and my daughter is 9.. who thinks her older Cousin is cool.
**Update: I spoke to the Sister in Law in private... vented to her and expressed my views on this and on many things, and about my Husband and the many "difficulties" involved. She was amendable. She also spoke to my Husband... about things. Many things. In private with him. This morning, he was a different Man. More amendable to me too. So that is a start. I hope... it sticks. And that it continues... in improvement.
It is not easy, being his Wife. It is more than cultural differences... but in addition to cultural differences.
NO... my kids are not rude nor disrespectful nor butting into adult conversations. They are good kids... just have loud voices sometimes.
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Yah they grew up in a place/culture in which kids are to be seen, not heard and kids had no voice, nor could express themselves.
I disagree with that.
My late Dad, raised us to know ourselves and to express ourselves and to have an opinion.
My kids are like me, and my late Dad.
They are good respectful kids... who KNOW themselves even at their young ages.
Just now, for the past 1.5 hours, my kids were quiet... playing by themselves and playing nicely with each other.
I am not surprised by that. And yes, they have times they are noisy and more boisterous. But they are normal kids.
*My kids... are not loud all.the.time. Not at all.
To expect, all kids to be quiet all the time and to be seen not heard, is ridiculous to me.
Very stifling. And, the parent is not present that way. Nor involved. Just at certain times.
Kids are not robots. Nor mini adults.
I am so irked.
Hubby and his sister in law, complaining about me and our kids and our home.... like they are so much better.
**Adding This: NO NO NO... in their culture, the kids are not better/more behaved/not entitled in attitude.
They also have their problems. In their schools... the Niece said my kids' school is "boring"... because the kids don't make trouble.
And that in her country in school, the kids make more trouble.
So, it is not a "better" culture in terms of raising kids.
And no, their kids have problems too.
They are not in anyway, more well-behaved.
** the 12 year old Niece, "teases" my daughter.... tells her that "If you want me to play with you, you have to do what I want...." etc. That irks me. I told my daughter, this is YOUR house, she is not to boss you in your own home. I have told the Niece as well... you are OLDER than her, she is 9.... don't talk to her that way." My Husband said its just "joking.." and that "we" cannot take a joke. Well to me, that kind of joking... is demeaning to a person. It is one person being superior over another. And that is just obnoxious. I told my daughter.... you do NOT have to do, what your Cousin is telling you, just because you want to play with her. She is not being, nice. My daughter knows. She tells me. I support her.
Oh and the Sister In Law was even telling my Husband, how I should do my garden. To make it nicer.
Good grief.
Then my Husband tells her she can do things in my garden as she wants. Then he tells me what "improvements" she wants to do and how great that is!
Had a pow-wow with my Hubby, I told him off royal and told him about so many things. Because Laurie A., you are so right, in your "prognosis" of him.
my kids are SUPER loud and crazy, lol! My husbands whole family is very loud though. I am more the quiet and reserved type, but I don't stop my kids unless we are indoors at a public place, but at home, they can be themselves.
I have rules, the kids have to mind or they have consequences. Noisy toys stay in their bedrooms, if they accidentally come in the other rooms the toys have to go into the time out box. If the kids are too noisy they go to time out.
Kids should be quieter inside. They can be as noisy as they want outside but inside? I need to be able to carry on a conversation with the person I am in the room with. If I can't kids go to time out until they can be quieter. If they want to do some noisy activity they are welcome to go to their room and shut their door but if I can her it they again, go to time out.
My house in never totally quiet unless the kids are sleeping but it is tolerable.
I would give Sis-In-Law a very sympathetic smile when she said that she just couldn't take it anymore and say "Nor can I...let's get your things together so that I can drive you to the Holiday Inn. I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable in MY home".
Well I guess it depends on the household.
We never allowed running through our house or horseplay inside the house. We also TRY to not yell across the house. If you need to speak with someone, you go and find them and speak with them.
Now outside, unless it is one of those emergency screams.. then we allowed our daughter and the neighborhood kids to let lose.
A low roar is expected when you add children to any situation..
I guess they were used to having to tiptoe around their childhood homes, but not every household is like that.. Add the TV, The phone calls, the doorbell the pets and a BUSY household will seem loud to those that are not participating..
Is her time almost up? Just keep breathing..
Your husband is not my favorite person. I do not understand him, I guess he was just completely raised differently than we were. You sound like such a together person, but he does not seem to appreciate you or want to support you emotionally in any way. He instead seems to search for reasons to make you feel inadequate.. you know people that do that are VERY insecure.
I'd give her the phone number for the nearest hotel--it will be quieter for her :)
My kids are VERY noisy--they're boys.
I think people who claim that their kids are not are either liars, or they are stifling their children's natural development.
Hang in there--how many days left?
Americans are LOUD!
I spent 6 years overseas and was completely shocked by the level of volume most American's consider normal when I returned state side.
It's mostly cultural.
No harm, you've just raised your children differently.
I think noisy kids are normal.
I know you are feeling the pressure.... they will be gone soon! :)
But in direct response to "our" thoughts on this... I think that some kids are by nature, noisier than others. My kids are not the noisy kind. I know this, because my SIL's kids (our niece/nephews) ARE. My other nieces aren't.
My kids have some friends who are noisier than others. And our pastor's kids, some of them are noisy--okay, well, one of them---and the others aren't.
It is just their personality. It isn't JUST culture. It is part of who they are. Not much (if anything) you can do about it.
I will say, though, that for those of us with the "quieter" kids, it is REALLY annoying and can be like nails on a chalkboard after too long cooped up around "noisy" kids. It is hard when you aren't accustomed to it.
No, she probably shouldn't be complaining to your husband about it... but maybe it helps her to not go off on your kids. :/
Hang in there.... it'll be over soon!
Well maybe it is just the difference in how your houses are run. Her house is quiet, yours is noisy, and that bugs her. Or maybe she thinks your kids are disrespectful and "run" the house, and "noisy" is the way she puts it. Whatever the case, I think that she should be grateful to you and your husband that she has a place to stay, and to just live with it until it is time to go home, or go get a hotel room somewhere. Next time she visits I'd suggest a hotel because you have waaaaay to much stress going on with these visiting relatives. Hope it gets better and goes fast for you.
Normal for the 12 year old not to want to play with the 9 year old. If you can find something they both like to do that's not so "active", maybe that'll help them out.
I wonder what Hubby's parents were like. If they were admantly "children should be seen and not heard", autocratic, then it's no surprise they don't get it. They weren't allowed to be kids and don't know how to relax themselves. It's kinda sad, actually.
My kids are loud, but my friends kids are even louder... it does drive me a ittle crazy when I hear constant whining and such from them, especially with their 'naturally loud' voice (their mom has one too and it can give me a true headache at times). Kids can be taught to use quieter inside voices, they can also be taught to leave big cousins alone sometimes.
Also, children are raised quite differently in Europe, they tend to be less rambunctious and loud there, so it is also a cultural issue. I have heard MANY Europeans who are shocked at how loud Americans are.
I understand both sides of this coin. I grew up in a household where, "Children are to be seen, not heard" was strictly enforced. I don't think that is 100% what should happen, but the complete opposite is hard too. Happy medium would be nice, which is hard to obtain at times.
My daughter is also 9 and I've noticed she and her friends are coming into their own and are having to learn when it is appropriate to speak up, and when it is disrespectful to others (peers and adults). This like many things they are learning has to be repeated and repeated.
I imagine for your husband and his sister it can be hard because that is not what the know. Maybe there could be set times and situations they are quiet so your husband gets a little break and they learn to settle a bit. But that should be worked on AFTER the visit and both sides need to compromise.
I wonder if your SIL was commiserating with your husband and didn't mean for this to be passed on to you. Couple that with what others have said about a 12 year old and 9 year old and it may be exaggerated? I don't think she should complain to you directly about it though. I don't think anyone is in the "Wrong" here, just different needs and expectations.
My husbands family was like the SIL and niece...they are so reserved and quiet.
My family on the other hand is the complete opposite. When we "talk" we are loud, naturally loud voice. And then to top it off to be heard we talk louder so that we are over talking others. When my husband met all my family for the first time...he leaned over and said "I'm sorry I have to go outside it is way too loud in here for me"...so I said "Go for it but this is the way we are". My kids are vocal, whether their happy, sad, mad, glad...
I think it's what people are used to...matter of fact from five feet away my youngest said "MOOMMMMMMM, how does dad's hair look?" No need to "yell" as some would say but for us it's quit normal. To others it could be considered yelling.
Just hang in there and don't worry about what some outsider thinks.
And be glad that your kids can communicate whether it's loud or quietly.
Frankly to those who don't like it...go home! You stick it out but I'm not changing my kids or my family dynamics for anyone unless it's deamed necessary by my husband and I. BTW: he has learned to either deal with it or don't attend.
Oh hon, I have no further advice for you- just bunches and bunches of hugs to send, along with the strength to survive this visit!
Escape to the safety of Mamapedia and vent yourself away. Hopefully, we can all wrap our support around you and help keep you sane until they leave!
How many more days??
Btw- my kids sound alot like yours. Noisy one minute, quiet the next. I used to worry when things became too quiet. It usually meant they were doing something they shouldn't be doing! :)
Mine are screamers, squealers, singers, yellers, chortlers, whistlers, growlers, neighers, you name it they do it. If it gets to the point I cant hear myself think. They are sent outside or down to the basement play room. I think they need to get it out. Or be repressed. I had to live in a church quiet environment and I hated it. I often went on walks in the acreage behind the house and just screamed for fun. I vowed not to suppress the kids need for noise. NOW once they get to a certain age I do expect them to show a little control.
When my one sister visits, she's sometimes liable to have a heartattack with the noise, and I snap at her when she chut chuts them to be quiet. I tell her if its that bothersome we can go somewhere else. They do have public manners.
I can't stand unnecessary noise. My kids are expected to be respectful, play nicely, speak one person at a time, allow each other to finish speaking, and I don't allow the tounge clicking, farty mouth sounds, or the vroom, vrooms that go with cars.
On the flip side, I do arrange for certain times in our day and week that the kids can run, jump, play, laugh, and just be kids. I see nothing right with allowing children to just take over their environment and nothing wrong with teaching them to respect that others might not be interested in noise every minute of the day. I would say that as a daycare provider, I have to allow things to be a certain level of noise for periods of time in order to let them feel as if they got their play out. But again, I control the opportunities for anything that would be considered rambunctious.
My kids are noisy. In fact, for the first time in months, we had visitors and my kids didn't know how to act other than give hugs, kisses and shake hands. I don't know if that's good or bad:)
I grew up in a household with European parents. I was never allowed to be expressive or loud. When adults came over, I was sent off to another room. Children were to be seen, not heard. It must be just something parents do in the old country.
My 5 yo boy and 8 yo girl are extremely noisy, especially when they are together, they feed off of each other. The each have loud voices to begin with, like they don't hear yet how loud their voices are. Having an active boy certainly seems to bring out more of the loudness. I can see that in some stuffy families noisiness is frowned upon, and maybe some people with only children don't experience the noise. I don't think your kids are abnormal, I think your husband is. I would tell your SIL to take a hike if she and her daughter "can't take it anymore." There are nice quiet hotels nearby and you can visit for an hour or so each day so that they can preserve themselves. Your casa, and they have to accept it as it is.
it does sound like a culture thing...i know i just read an article recently about the differences between french parenting styles and american parenting styles. we're just different. your kids probably ARE loudER than hers - but it's your house, it's your kids. it's not wrong or better or worse, it's just how it is. your husband sounds like he is really resentful of you in many ways, this whole his family thing is causing way more problems than it should be and he is constantly siding with them. i get the feeling that he is very tied to his culture and is having trouble adjusting to you and YOUR culture - and included in that, the fact that you have your own opinions. hard since he seems to have been raised to feel they really don't matter.
i feel for you and don't have much advice, except that once they go (is it soon?) do everything you can to make sure next time they visit they stay at a damn hotel....and you and hubby work really hard at reconnecting and improving your communication skills - hence, your marriage.
That sounds so frustrating! I would say that kids should be able to express themselves however they like, and that usually involves noise! Of course, there is a time and place for quiet. They should be able to sit through a meal and be polite. But assuming they have their quiet moments, let there be noise!
I would definitely use that to say things like "they were quiet at dinner, but now they are in their own home and are being happy, NORMAL, children. I would never want to stile that".
Sad for your daughter who wants to play. Maybe they could play a quieter board game? But if the niece won't do it, simply say, I'm so sorry you aren't able to handle playing with your cousin. She is really disappointed. Then make sure that you do something nice for your daughter. I hate when people are so sanctimonious. That's great, they were quiet little mice. What was the result? Apparently rude and snotty houseguests that can't manage in the real world. Impressive. :-)
let kids be kids, don't expect them to be adults. I read that somewhere,and I think it's true.
I feel you. I have some relatives who only have one sweet, well behaved daughter and they never want sons. They share their opinions on the rowdiness of my kids a little too freely. Time for you to point out to yourself all the things that you do to teach your children how to rein in their energy. I know you do it. You probably spend a good portion of your days helping your children to learn the proper volume to keep their voices at in a given situation, when to run and when not to, how much force is ok for them to use in closing a door, and when and where it is ok to throw things. When your inlaws complain about your kids, just say, "That must have been so nice for you to have such easy going children. I love my children's zest for life and I am happy to provide a home where they can be happy."
They must have had some childhood!!! I cannot imagine children not making
noise! Your SIL would have a stroke at my house when all 7 grand kids are
here! They did not and still do not live in the real world. Ignore them and
let your kids be kids.
I know you are holding your breath for this visit to be over with. I have a great nephew that I can't stand to be around because of the excessive noise that comes out of his little mouth. But I think it might be because I am rarely around kids...could this be the case. I have always heard the term use your "inside voice". There are all kinds of kids...quiet, loud...etc. The clock is ticking...you will be back to normal soon....I hope!
Lol--- the seen and not heard mentality, I'm familiar with it.
My little gals talked in phrases before the age of one. I've never stifled them from speaking or made them feel like they should remain silent. In fact I think that's rude and treats children like they are animals. Of course they have to be taught not to interupt and the like.
I would be annoyed at my SIL and maybe suggest that she be seen and not heard.
The noise level in my house is deafening! I feel like everyone just naturally yells so that their voice can be heard. I recently had a friend tell me that I was yelling when I thought I was talking. I was very embarrassed. Now I am more conscious of the volume of my voice when I'm talking and have caught myself being loud and lowered it. I wish my whole family could do this!
You ILs sound quite rude. You just let your kids keep having fun in their own way and next time remind your in-laws that they'll be happiest in a hotel because you have a home, not a museum.
I have 1 son (9) and 3 daughters (7,2 & 2) My older children are quite shy. They are very soft-spoken and reserved outside our home. At home though they are very noisy and I love it! The majority of the time, myself and my husband are making noise right along with them. We keep an assortment of music instruments around the house for them and any guests to play as they please. So, in addition to the loud laughing, squealing and running, you would hear the xylophone, lap harp, junior guitar, bongo, drums, maracas, a tambourine, etc accompanied by singing. They are only children for a little while-- adulthood and all the stuffy rules lasts forever. Let them have as great of a time as possible now.
It's definitely cultural, and right now I'm betting your husband just doesn't want to rock the boat while his relatives are visiting. When there's something "wrong" with the kids, my MIL automatically "blames" me. Even if it's something my husband taught them it's my fault. Thankfully he'll tell her to stuff a sock in it, but he'd prefer lately not to cause drama since she was recently widowed.
I learned a long time ago that her criticisms were her way of saying she loved my children and cared what happens to them. I had to decide to accept her criticisms and ignore them. It infuriates her, so she ends up going to my husband with her complaints and he ends up telling her off ha ha. If she wants a response or explanation from me, she has to be conversational and refrain from insulting my parenting. I'm already critical enough of my own parenting, I don't need it from her too. :-)
Welcome to the blending of customs. You were brought up in America with its wide open spaces. Your husband was brought up in Europe with their customs. Somewhere between the two you two did not discuss parenting and raising of children.
I, like Marakasa, had European ancestors. When adults came to visit whether they were family or not, kids were to leave the room. It was consider adult talk and children did not need to be there to hear what was being said.
Some ways I wish it were still that way here. We have lost consideration for our fellow citizens by allowing many children to run amuck (sp) and not care. Yes, we as a culture are loud and in your face so to speak. Many people recoil from our abruptness.
As for the kids. The niece is 12 a tweenie and your daughter is still a child who idolizes her older cousin. Sorry cousin you are going to have to live with this until you go home.
Oh, let SIL have at the back garden. It might be a way for her to get away from your "loud" family and for her to do something constructive to grow food. It is hard to have family members visit who are dependent upon you and do not know where anything is as you have to be tour guide.
Remember east met west in your family. I am glad that you had a "talk" with hubby about things But he should have had your back or expressed his thoughts about his children long before the family visit.
Off the soapbox. Europe, ah yes, a quiet place that is sometimes boring. Been there done that.
The other S.
now reading your post i was going to say something else, but then reading your what happened i can't. you said niece was raised in a culture kids are to be seen not heard (do you mean well-behaved?)
:)
so you can't complain about how someone is scolding your kids's behavior to turn around and scold them for being too rigid with their kids. and what culture promotes kids to be seen and not heard? you mean polite, well-behaved not entitled, out of control kids? i want to move there. tell me where do i go?
so, now that i got that off the chest i will go to what originally i was going to suggest. tell your husband to tell his sister to go to a hotel where it is quiet (her bill by the way, no yours), and also tell hubby if his kids are out of control, he should start pitching in.
i have 'spirited' kids too by the way, by 'spirited' i mean pretty loud and energetic and there are days i want to walk around with earplugs on. my husband points that out too many times, but he shuts up when we visit my niece and nephew. during those weeks of visit he praises our kids as best kids ever. so he gets to see 'worse,' and that is good enough for him.
so both of you pitch in in child-raising and educating and don't throw the blame elsewhere. if your kids are out of control, you are both to blame. point that out to him.
Are they being rude or disrespectful? I don't mean rude as in being loud in and of itself, but are they forcing opinions or butting in on adult conversation? If not, let it roll off your back and count the days until they are gone.
On the upside, it looks as though having that convo with you Sil may be helping things, so even this cloud has a silver lining.
Let her get a break from the noise and drive to your husbands work each day to take him out to lunch, then all would be happy=)
I think a few things are wrong, one your husband should have your back. Two; they're his kids too, and if they're not acting how he expects them too, then its his fault for not being involved J. as much as he's blaming you. I would take his response of blaming it all on you as accepting that he's not involved because if he was he'd be hurt that she was criticizing his parenting as well.
I think it may J. be a personalitity diference. My daughter is always more calm then her cousin. I would be the one encouraging her to be a kid when she was 2 and 3 and when her cousin came over. Her cousin is the same age Emmy would often complan that shed want time to cool down and that her cousin was too loud and too crazy. For M. her cousin was loud also, because I was used to dealing with a kid who naturally would play for a little and then relax and color or read quietly. Although I realized her cousin was J. as normal as her and had diferent personalities. Sure at the end of her cousin visiting I was beat and thought wheewwwww I don't know if I could deal with that acitve of a kid 24/7, but I never once thought she was misbehaved or odd. In fact I love the energy she brings now theyre 5 and when she sleeps over they're crazy and hyper for a little then my daughter will take a break and play dolls and then go back to joining her cousins endless quest to run out of energy=) I say they're rude for judging you and thinking theyre better and your husbands rude for not having your back and agreeing with her and thinking badly of his children. If he wants their behaviour to change, she should have been left out. He shouldv;e came to you and discussed it and you both shouldv;e found a happy medium. I want slap them both for you=)
BTW even though my daughter is more calm then her active cousin, she does her fair share of being heard and being a kid=) I would'nt allow it any other way!
My hubby likes a quiet home and I think children should always play and have fun so we balance the 2. I hate when we compare our lives!
Your children and home for that matter belongs to you so smile and nod at her and continue to DO YOU! and send her on her way after the visit.
It sounds like your SIL may be being a little extreme and the niece for not wanting to play with your daughter but you may be so used to your kids that you may not notice how loud they are. My niece and nephew are SO LOUD. All. The. Time. I mean, all the time. (They are 9 and 11). We are constantly having to ask them to use their inside voices--it's like they shout everything. My kids can get plenty noisy and I am used to having lots of kids over but only for short bits. If it goes on for too long I am pulling my hair out. So it all depends on the extremes so maybe even an hour or two is too long for your SIL if it's not something she's used to.
