Married and Confused

There are certain people who only find you desirable when you are unattainable. This type of person is incapable of love, psychologically speaking. They find you attractive because they don't need to be accountable to you. It would be foolish put your current marriage on the line for a man who clearly couldn't commit to you in the first place.

Don't you see there is something already wrong with this situation in that that he's disrespecting your marriage to another man, toying with your emotions, AND is obviously romantically involved with another woman? This guy has boundary and commitment issues.

Don't let those pregnancy hormones and your imagination ruin your life, and the future of your children. You are clearly "projecting" your own feelings onto this man. You are probably in love with something that doesn't exist. Often people who can't commit "get off" on controling others through emotions and romantic entanglements. He'll say and do whatever you want until you are ruined. And once the sport and fun of it all is over, he'll be gone. This is about control not love. I guarantee it.

From here on out, short of court appointed meetings, stop seeing this man. You have no reason for non-business related meetings. And when you do, make sure hubby and kids are there. That'll keep the buzzard in check. Otherwise, he'll just string you along, as long as your willing to be his fool. Hopefully your current husband isn't hip to what's going on. Most people have a sixth sense about stuff like this. Don't let things go too far. You will be the one to lose if you invest any further energy into the ex, and send bad vibes to the man who is actually there for you and your kids.

Afterall, the ex probably won't marry you again if you do leave your husband. And if he does marry you, he probably won't be faithful.. he clearly doesn't respect the marriage bond, no matter who it is.

Good luck

First off if you are fighting for custody of your son and you ex filled for ex parte interim order while you were out of state then he is not being very thoughtful of you. Why do you want to get back together with someone who is making you fight for custody. To me it kind of sounds like your ex is trying to control your emotions through this custody battle... he is thinking of himself not the other around him. You said he was out with another girl... HE WOULD NOT DO THAT IF HE TRULY WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU!

Secondly YOU choose to get married... TILL DEATH DO YOU PART! I agree that you did not let yourself enough time to get over your ex but since you moved on and got married to someone else you have to let your ex go. If your husband is treating you and your children well there is no reason to get divorced. You said you LOVE your husband so why ruin something good you already have. As of December you will have 1 kid with you hubby (plus a step daughter?) you need to get the custody of your first child figured out and focus on your family.

You are also pregnant so your emotions are magnified... You need to remove yourself from seeing your ex so much and drop all talks of getting back with your ex IMMEDITALY! Focus on your pregnancy, hubby and kids... yes your first child was with your ex and you two will see each other dropping off that child but that is it. You have a different life now.... Why did you break it off with your ex, remind yourself why you decided to break up with him.

Honestly, there was a reason you and your ex didn't make it and broke up. Things always look rosier when you're not in and and just remembering the good times. Try to remind yourself of the reasons you broke it off. It's great that you are still keeping in touch with him and hopefully have a healthy relationship now for your son's sake.

I'm thinking your hormones are probably raging being that you're pregnant and you probably did jump into this new marriage/relationship a little quickly but again, there was a reason it didn't work with your ex and why your with your husband.

Good luck!

Many books I've read have said that it's not unusual to start thinking about past relationships and "what could have beens" when you are pregnant. You are going through a major life change again! I too am pregnant and have this desire to contact people from past relationships! Don't know why, just do! I however have resisted this urge because it's pointless! Life is always better on the other side. There is a reason why things did not work between you and your ex and you have to think about that. There is also a reason you married your husband and you need to think about that too! This confusion will most likely go away once you give birth and your hormones calm down. In the mean time, find ways to reconnect with your husband. Get away for a weekend and rediscover why you love him. If things don't change, you may want to consider counseling for yourself or your marriage.

Hi R.-

You said that you were due in November? Try to keep in mind that hormones really do make for some wacky emotional ups and downs. It's not really a great time to be making major life decisions.

Do you have access to some sort of counseling? It sounds like it might really help you to have an impartial ear to share your thoughts and feelings with- someone who can help you sort through what you're feeling and what you want for yourself and your children.

I think that you probably need to figure out why you would want to renew a relationship with someone who took custody of your child from you and who, despite claiming that he's trying to get back together, is going out on dates with other women? Not to mention why you're trying to get back together with this man while you're married to someone else?

Does your husband know that you're meeting with your ex and feeling conflicted about the relationship you have with each of them? If so, what is he saying/feeling about this? Even if you haven't shared your feelings with him, odds are that he's aware that there's something going on, even if he isn't sure what it is. Would he be willing to go to couples' counseling? Maybe the two of you can work this out together- in which case it could end up making your relationship stronger.

I wish you the best of luck!

M.

Hi R.,

There are reasons your ex is the ex, and not the husband. Something didn't work out between you two, and even if you hadn't married your husband, it probably still would not have worked out. You've made a commitment to your husband. That commitment wasn't "I'll love you until I feel like it." or "I'll love you until it works out with my ex" or "I'll love you until someone else comes along". It was a commitment for life. Maybe you did rush things with your husband, but for better or worse, you are married. You said you love your husband. If you do, then you HAVE to cut it off with your ex. NO more seeing him! Not anywhere! Since you have a kid together, you can talk to him once a week only about arrangements for the kid. Other than that, you are on the road to committing adultery. Let me ask you this question. Is a POSSIBLE relationship that may not even work out worth throwing away a marriage to a man who you love and who loves you? Also think about this-you will have a kid by your husband thrown in, guilt from going back to your ex, and the same problems that made it not work out with your ex before will still be there. What will you do when you have 3 kids and no one to support you? Forbidden things always have an allure, but it is never worth it. Part of this problem is that you have crazy pregnancy hormones and are probably hornier than anything. Use that to draw closer to your husband. Cut off any contact with your ex except for pick up/drop off/related things to your son. If you need to, only talk to him about your kid when your husband is present. This will keep the temptation at bay. You have a good thing. You have a husband that is willing to take care of you and take care of 2 kids who are not his. Don't blow it!! Do whatever you need to do to make sure that you keep your promises to your husband and your children. Your kids are just getting settled into this new life. They are counting on you to give them stability. Don't let them down. Thanks for asking this question. I will keep you in my prayers.

I'm sorry for all of your confusion but you need to grow up and make a life decision. If you love your husband to death and are madly in love with him, then why are you talking to your ex everyday and trying to work to get back together? If your ex is dating other women, then are you sure he's even trying to work at getting back together with you?

Forgive me for being blunt, but marriage takes work and commitment and if you aren't up for that task, then perhaps you had better let your husband find someone who is committed to the marriage. Because as long as you are talking to and thinking about your ex all the time, in what sounds to be an obsessive manner, you are never going to be able to devote the love necessary to make a marriage work.

I think some therapy may help you work through what you really want for yourself and your children. Because if you don't do something, you are going to risk losing your husband for someone who may not be worth it. Or, if you and your husband shouldn't be together, you are always going to be unhappy and that will affect your children.

I've been married for over 7 years and have 2 children. Things haven't always been great but we both work at it and treat "love" as a verb rather than just an emotion. So when I say I love my husband it means I do things for him to let him know how much he means to me. I don't just say it, I act it. Everyone has at least one "ex" in their past, but those people are generally ex's for a reason.

Good luck.

Seriously, what are you thinking! Reality check...you are a married women. Married with vows that state till death do you part. The devil must be working against the good in your heart in my opinion and you need to focus on your husband who is the man you choose to be with.

Why are you working on getting back together with your ex? I hope you mean working on becoming friends because you should not be chasing him. You broke up for a reason. If you did get back with your x you'll be married and committing a sin in my opinion. Lets say you divorce your current husband and get back with your x....do you think you'll have the same stuff going on in a year?

I kind of know what you're feeling and maybe it's normal to have feelings for others but what is it about him that your husband doesn't have or do for you? It's okay to have male friends but it's nothing more than that. I have two x-boyfriends who are my friends and it has be clearly communicated to them that we will only be friends and nothing more. I got dumped one night and started dating my husband but I didn't have contact with my x until recently so it's been 10 years.

Maybe you can distance yourself from your x and consider discussing things with your husband if you think he'll be of any support. The distance will allow you to grow in your relationship with your husband and focus on your family with him. Pregnancy hormones could be making you think like you are like pp stated.

I think you should start praying about this right away. It sounds to me like you are anxious about whether you should have married your husband so quickly and are just having second thoughts. That's perfectly normal and common, but if you don't give in to this temptation it will pass. Let God help you. Pray for peace and direction. If you really listen, he'll show you the way.

You need to seek counseling. There were reasons it didn't work. You think those problems will be solved if you got back together. You're fighting for custody.......if you love each other so much you shouldn't be fighting at all. And work on what went wrong to begin with.

I feel sorry for your husband now.

Don't think what could of been.......think about what you have now if it's worth keeping.

Hi R.,
When reading what you wrote I have some advice I would give my best friend. Things did not work out with you and your ex for a reason. Remember those reasons and concentrate on those and not what you remember that was good. The grass does not sound greener over there. You have made committments to your now husband that deserves better. It sounds like you need to cut off the contact with your ex. It does not sound like he is as in love with you and you are with him because he wouldn't otherwise be with another woman seeing a movie. I made a decision to leave my ex a while ago... he was a good man but was just not right for me and I knew that someday I would think about going back to him but I promised myself that I would not let myself regret the decision I made. To this day, I will not let myself start thinking like that no matter what.
Think of your husband, your children, and your unborn child and give yourself space from your ex so that you and your family have a chance. With him in the picture at all, you will never let yourself move forward. If you break of contact for 6 months - 9 months and you still want to be with him, you need to finish the one you are in and then go for that one. If he is still in love with you then it is meant to be. But you need to finish the one you are in before you get into another one. He could just be after the fun of the chase and could ruin your life and hurt the people you care about most in this world.

It sounds like you have something good. You love your husband. Remember that and don't let your head run away to things that may not be as good as you think they are.

Hello R., it's hard to think clearly when you are pregnant. It's easy for us to see what you should do but when you are in the midst of an emotional time, it's difficut to see the truth.
NOW is the time to get over your Ex. You have a choice to make. My advice is to limit your contact with the Ex (I'm saying "the Ex" instead of "your" ex because the fact is that he no longer belongs to you) to the times when you are exchanging your son and keep your conversations business like. Since it's hard to break ties with someone when you are in constant contact, I would stop the daily phone conversations and ,again, limit phone time to short conversations about your son.
The fact of the matter is that you can only love one man. Love is a choice and you CAN choose not to love him. You say that it rips you up to think of him with another girl.....how does your hubby feel about your thoughts constantly being with another man? If you truly love your hubby then you will honestly break things off with the ex and set boundaries to protect yourself and your family.
Every person in the world has the ability to let their emotions get out of hand and make crazy choices. Just take a step back, remind yourself that you didn't want the other guy before and that you love your hubby now, and remember that your kids will always be affected by your actions and you have a strong responsibility to do the right thing for their sake.
It may be hard to hear some of this advice but like I said, it's hard to see clearly when you are in the MIDDLE of something. Sometimes is takes someone on the outside to tell us the truth. We have all been in some situation like that.
R., you are precious. You are loved by God and He does not judge you. Find a good counselor who can help you sort out all your feelings and be free from the past.

Stay with your husband! This guy is your ex for a reason. Get him out of your life except what you have to do because of your son. Seek counseling if you need to to get over him, but do whatever you must to get over him. Your husband deserves your loyalty. Start thinking about how you can be a good wife to him and stop thinking about the ex or you'll end up with two exes and a bunch of kids without a father.