Marriage Problems - Overland Park,KS

I am of the oppinion that everyone deserves a chance. If he recognizes that he has problems, then that is a starting point and I don't think you should give up just yet. I have found in my marriage that it is always easier to bring up things that are bothering me when there is not already tention. Find a time when you are both in a good mood to talk about thing and let him know that you want to talk about these things because you want to work things out and help him. Say it in a loving way so he know you care and are not trying to pick a fight. Counseling for both of you together might be a good thing so that you both can get some of the things that are bothering you out in the open in a neutral setting. I have noticed that a lot of people have trouble about the 5 year mark. If there is a chance that you can fix it and work through things, then it is worth a try. Try to remember all the reasons why you married him in the first place and help him remember as well. Go on dates!!!! Rekindle the romance and fall in love all over again.

My husband used to tell me he was going to move out, etc. One day I got tired of hearing it and asked if that's what he really wanted, he backed down and said no, he didn't say that again for quite a while. I think he does this when he wants something that we can't afford or is frustrated at his job. It's his way of voicing his frustration. I'll bet something is going on that he feels is out of his control and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I'd suggest couples counceling that way you can voice your concerns in a safe environment and can hear what his concerns are.
My minister told my family and friends that the best thing to do when a couple fights is to not give them a place to go, that way they have to work it out (this does not mean an abusive relationship). I told my daughter when she got married that the best way to stay together is to not get a divorce:) It was my way of saying don't give up easily.

I've been married 28 years with two daughters 26 & 24, a son 16, 5 granddaughters 8,7,6,3 years & 4 months and a grandson 6 years. Although we've had our rough times my hubbie and I are still in love, a night away from the kids is usually the best way to rekindle even if its sending them to grandma's!

B., good luck in whatever you decide to do. This must be an extremely difficult time for you and the rest of your family. I agree with the other folks who responded, that this is worth fighting for. But, I will say this, in my experience people who are that much on the defense for your "alleged" behavior are usually hiding something themselves. They are usually the ones who are lying, cheating, or hiding something and therefore don't trust you because they themselves are being untrustworhty. I guess I'm just saying be prepared for the worst when you both go through counseling. Good luck.

B., I'm sorry to hear your having problems in your marriage so soon. I do have some advise for you and yes counseling is one of them because he has to learn how to correct that temper or it he will be violent and or verbally abusive or both. 1st off I was always told by my mother and grandmother that whenever your mate start saying that your cheating on them THEIR the one cheating and he's displacing his guilty on you. Most likely this isn't the 1st time he has done this. 2nd, you most know that his anger problem and his rough childhood is a cruch that he's using to get away with the behavior that your allowing. Stand up not only for yourself but for your child and let him know that this ISN'T ACCEPTABLE! 3rd, I agree that you must do everything possible to save your marriage. Seek spiritual guidance and prayer to the Father and ask Him to direct your steps and your words.

I will be praying for you and you family. If you just need someone to vent to your more than welcome to email anytime.

Z.

two things i've noticed my husband needs constantly is to feel he's appreciated, and to feel he has some control. if either of those, he hasn't felt for awhile, it could be part of why yours is "acting out". i definitely feel if he's become violent (and i don't necessarily feel that throwing one thing one time means he's violent - you have to decide that) then you need to consider the safety (emotional and physical) of you and your kids. it sounds like there might be deeper issues due to his past, but while he's getting help, you could look at your relationship and maybe see if there's any way you can help on your end. not saying it's your fault AT ALL - his behavior is his responsibility. i just know my hubby is a lot more willing to compromise, if i admit i could be doing things better too. good luck.

Hi B.,
I think your marriage is worth fighting for, only if he is serious about acknowledging he has a problem and if he is consistent in seeking the help he's gotten so far--esp. if he allows alcohol to lead him into abusive behavior. You can never, never change someone who is a drug abuser or alcoholic--they have to acknowlege and change themselves. If he decides to drink again-get yourself and the kids out of the house--go anywhere and be prepared to stay overnight or until he's sober again. Don't take a chance with your safety. He has to know that he will lose his family if he chooses alcohol (which clearly leads to abusive behavior in his case.) You can tell him, "I love you, but you have to fix yourself."

As far as his insecurities, working with a counselor on that issue is a great first step--you both have to learn how to communicate what you're feeling without attacking one another--that can be tough to learn, but a counselor can show you some ways. Tell him you don't want a counselor to say someone is right or wrong--you both need the help to learn marriage building skills.

It sounds like you're a strong woman who will do what it takes to do what's best for your family. Be brave, and know that there's a community of mammas at your beck and call when you need to bend an ear!

B.:

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Your husbands controlling, aggressive and jealous behavior is not okay. On the flip side, it sounds like whatever is (really) going on with him, he is starting to get help. As long as he is not being abusive to you or your children, give the meds and therapy a chance to work. They are not an overnight solution. If the behavior gets worse, or turns violent, you must ask him to leave the house and protect yourself and your kids. Many of us have rough childhoods, as adults, we are responsible for our behavior/choices. Good luck to you.

A. L

It sounds like he's started trying, since he's gone to the doctor, gotten meds and is going to start counseling. I suggest individual counseling AND couples counseling. I think I'd give him a shot because he looks to be making an effort. However, if you believe he could get violent and hurt you or your kids, that's another story.

I hope it all works out.

It's hard when the people we love the most take out their anger or fears on us. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's had some pretty terrible behavior modeled for him as he grew up. But you are right, the past does not have to dictate our future and it doesn't justify how he is treating you.

It sounds like he is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you and sometimes those wounds can run deeper than if he'd actually get physically abusive. Accusing you of cheating is probably another way for him to push his insecurity onto you. The problems he is having really do have to deal with him and HE will have to be the one who wants to work hard to change himself and deal with his past demons.

If you love him and want to continue to work it out (and as long as he doesn't become physically abusive to you or your children) then I would just try to support him the best you can while he goes through therapy. The anti-depressant medication from your doctor should help him be a bit more balanced.

It sounds like you don't want to give up on the marriage and just divorce so I would fight for what you DO want. I would recommend setting some boundaries for yourself and pertaining to your children while you guys both are working through this. For example, HE needs to start telling the truth about your finances, fights are NOT to happen in front of the children and you both have the right to walk away from an arguement for a "grown-up time-out" until you can come back together and talk in a more civil, communicative way. I would be concerned that eventually if he doesn't deal with the issues than he could start taking things out on the kids too. It really is your first responsible to take care of yourself and your children. He is a grown man who you can love and support but unfortunately you won't be able to change him or "fix" him.

You are also right that the children can sense that something doesn't feel "right" or "safe" right now and that does effect who they are. But love does cover a multitude of sins so since I personally believe in the covenant of marriage than if I were in your situation right now...I would try to make it work until I had exhausted every avenue. It could be that your marriage becomes stronger after going through the tough times together. However, if you do feel like it's not worth it than give yourself a couple months, if you can, before making your final decision. I wouldn't rush into any decision at this point and regret it later.

Just remember, you are worthy of love and respect and it's the right thing to expect that and nothing less from your spouse! Unfortunately, it sounds like he may not be able to give you what you need and deserve if he doesn't have it to give. And, start praying! I would be covering your marriage and your children in prayer. The power of prayer is amazing! And, don't be afraid to reach out for more help. It is time for him to not just throw fits and accusations and actually walk the walk to go to therapy and get the help he needs to have a more joyful, peaceful, fulfilling life. Sometimes people just don't seem to have a clue how much their actions affect the lives of those around them. And, if he changes his mind and never goes to therapy than I'd be thinking about some ultimatums because this isn't going to just get all better without help. It's not something to sweep under the rug. The fact is, healing past wounds and learning how to deal with your feelings is an ongoing process for all people and it won't just get better overnight. Blessings to you and your family!

Dear B.,
I'm sorry that you are having problems. Problems are normal within a marriage, but putting up with intimidation and violent outbursts (especially with children in the home) is not. I've always intuited that when someone accuses you of something outrageous that they're protecting their own guilty conscience. It's also not okay for him to read your e-mails or stockpile money away from you and the family. Perhaps he's feeling paranoid. Perhaps his feeling that something "isn't right" is coming from him internally. Whether or not you choose to confront him about his suspect behavior is entirely up to you, but you shouldn't put up with his disrespect. I'd make sure to have the kiddos away for the day and the cell phone on hand. Violent outbursts and rage are sometimes unpredictable. Have courage and listen to your heart (and your mind), and go with your instinct about what is troubling your husband. I hope things work out the best for you. Take care,
K.

these people are amazing! www.thealexanderhouse.org call ###-###-####. they can work with you and your husband over the phone since they are in Texas. Good luck and you have my prayers. stay safe too.

Hi, B.. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I do commend your husband for going to the doctor and getting some of his problems figured out. I applaud him for going to counseling, and hope that you are going too. I am a firm believer in trying everything to make a marriage work. You fell in love with him 5 years ago, so unless you got married for another reason, you owe it to him to try and work it out. I do not condone violence or name calling when arguing, so if he can't control himself, then maybe you need to separate while you try to work it out. I am 100% sure your kids know something is going on. I would sit them down and talk to them in terms they can understand about what is going on. If they are too young to understand much, just let them know that you and your husband are frustrated with eachother and that you are trying to get along better. It is possible your husbands past does have something to do with how he acts, but I agree with you that is does not have to be that way. He definitely has a controlling nature if you think he is checking what you do online. Whatever you decide to do, it will be a slow process. You have to decide if you love him enough and if he is a positive role model for your children. If you do, and he is a good influence, than you will know what to do. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family in this stressful time.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You are obviously a smart woman, because you have already realized two very important things in this situation- that your husband's past doesn't excuse his behavior in the present, and that your kids undoubtedly sense that something isn't right. It's encouraging that your husband is starting to get some help, but the safety of you and your children has to be a priority. If the violence continues- even when your husband is drunk- then the only safe way to "work things out" will be to do so apart from each other. I would encourage you to call the metro-wide domestic violence hotline number, (816)HOTLINE, to talk with someone further about this, especially if you have concerns about your family's safety. Best wishes to you.

There are ususally some marriage retreats that only you and your husband can go too alone without the kids.It gives you time with only each other sometimes Stress at home and busy schedules make things seem worse.i've been there .A weekend alone really helps.You can talk without the kids interupting ,then get a real feel if its worth working out or not.