Hubby Pushing Me: Advice?

dont stay with him as long as you are around he wont change. i lived with one of these kind of men and it is not pleasant you dont what to say , that you dont get slapped for it . my suggestion is to leave . L. b.

Sorry to be so blunt, but after watching my best friend go throught this very same thing, I will tell you to GET OUT NOW. My friend's huband broke a vertabrae in her neck, knocked out her front teeth, and I can't tell you how many times he has pushed her, shoved her, or hit her and almost always infront of the children.
PLease, go to someone you can trust and leave him.
Jenny

1 it will never get better. It is time to make a plan.

2 they are never truly sorry

3 you son will continue the cycle if you do not leave(you said you husband came from an abused family!)

4 pack a bag keep it in your car and keep it out of sight.

5 call the police for every instance, I mean EVERY instance. You need an actual accounting of each instance for WHEN you leave. DO NOT say IF or you will never do it.

6 open a checking account with your name only and have all of your paycheck direct deposited into that account. If he even gets a suspicion of you leaving he can empty the joint account and leave you with nothing.

7 find a womens shelter or contact the Catholic Charities and they can help you locate one. This way you have a place to go in a pinch.

8 Start a journal with details and times of each instance that you can remember. If you have to set up a hidden camera in your home.

9 Call a Lawyer.

10 Once you are out File a restraining order against your husband for you and you son detailing every instance and attach a copy of each Police report.

The fact that he has hit you one time is too many times.
Please leave him. I do not want to see you in the paper or on the news. Make the plan take the steps and get out.

He may or may not keep his promise to change, but that will only happen after years of intense therapy. NOT marrital counselling. Your life and/or your child's isnt worth the risk...Before he hurts you or your child please please please get out!

D.,

I hate that you even have to ask for advice on something like this, but will tell you as you are going to be told over and over again. I was in a relationship like this many years ago and was for 5 years, thankfully there were no children involved, but I am telling you it will NOT get any better and I am telling you it will get progressively worse as time passes. If you have the strength, determination and the support, I would suggest some separation (at minimum) and demand that he get the help he needs on his own if you and your son are worth the saving and only at the counselors suggestion will you then work on your relationship. I wish you the very best of luck, if you can not do it for yourself, do it for the 2 1/2 year old sweetiepie!

I was in a very abusive realationship myself. The first clue of him never changing is he doesnt really see the problem. He wont got to counseling because he really doesnt see the problem. His abusive past let him see it was ok. He may appoligize till he is blue in the face, but he wont change, trust me on that. It just gets worse. My advice is for you to seek counseling. You are asking for advice when you really know what you should do. Im sure every response is going to be to leave him. And normally it would be mine. Ive been through this and I knew the answer but I felt like my answer had to be validated by an outside source, a counselor. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying not to leave him, you will eventually, but its not just his insecurities doing this to you, but yours for letting him. We feel like we have done something to deserve this and yes the first excuse for them is I will change, or Im sorry. But unfortunately they dont. They have so much anger built up, and it will get worse. Eventually it will go to your child, so dont kid yourself, it will. No one likes to leave because they feel guilty for breaking up the family, but he broke it up long ago. I feel for you, but maybe you can get some insight with a counselor to let you feel that its not your fault. I always felt like if I loved him enough he would change, if I did enough for him, he would change, if I stand by him, he will change, if I dont aggravate him, he will change. Im sorry but you cant help him change, he has to do it by himself. I found through counseling that I had to fix people and it kept me from having to fix myself, my self esteem, my own insecurities. Thats the real reason woman like us stay, or guilt especially because there is a child. Your child will grow up just like him if he see's it his whole life. Do you want that to happen? I hope everything turns out for you. You take care of yourself and that child.

Get out of there now! This will only escalate, as you have seen. You say he is not up to counseling - well he seriously needs to go to an anger management group...not that that's always successful with batterers - AND THAT'S WHAT HE HIS - Regardless of whatever excuse you come up with about why it happens, the bottom line is what he is doing is totally inappropriate - he is an abuser and a bullying. I'm certain you don't want to have you son grow up with that kind of model for behavior. Seek help and leave!!! Look in the phone book for Women's Shelters - here in Topeka there is the Battered Women's Task Force that can be a great help. If you don't find a phone number - call your United Way office or YWCA - they will know what resources are available.

I too have had experience with this and it does not get any better no matter what you try to do. If he won't go to counseling there is no way he would get any better? It would take years of intensive anger management therapy for this to work if at all. Meanwhile, your son is learning his behaviors and seeing his mommy hurt. How do you think this will affect him?? Please talk to a counselor for yourself now or call Safehome. You need to get some professional help to find out how to get out safely. You have to think of your son in this situation! NONE of this is your fault, you do not cause his behaviors nor can you control this situation in any way except leaving for good.

I have been where you are and believe me they do NOT change . My first ex was not physically abusive but mentally and it got to the point I thought I was worthless . Then one day he pulled his stunts around my dad and that was the end of that , my dad grabbed my children and told me either leave or he was taking the children from me for their safety . I left , filed divorce and never looked back .
My second ex was abusive after we had been married about a year . I was pregnant with my son and i left him . We went to counselling and he seemed to change . Then we moved out of state and things started again . One night he came home from work and went off on me . He punched me in the stomach , tried to strangle me . I was almost to the point of passing out when my middle son ran to the basement and got a logging chain and hit him in the back of the legs with it . He turned on my son and that was all she wrote . I did the only thing I knew to do , kicked him south of the border , grabbed the kids and locked us in the bathroom . My oldest son had gotten on a bicycle and went to a pay phone and called 911 . When the police arrived they came to the door where we were locked in and said we could come out now he was in cuffs . They took pictures of my bruises and hauled him out . I had my oldest son go to the preacher's wife down the road and she came and got us and took us to a shelter . There I was able to call my parents and they came and got us . When I returned home I got a protective order and started divorce proceedings .
I am glad I got out when I did . He did not change and his second ex is now divorced from him for the same reasons . Her and I became friends and our children are close .
I suggest that you divorce him , go to legal aide they can help . They did me . I also suggest counselling for you and your son . He has seen enough in his young life to scar him and he needs the counselling to let him know that is not proper behavior .
I wish you lots of luck and love in your future . I have been happily married now for 14 years to a great and wonderful man . I never thought that would happen for me but it did . So keep your chin up and NEVER let a man put his hands on you again . Take some self defense classes . I did and no one messes with me now .

http://www.safehome-ks.org/SiteResources/Data/Templates/t...

D.,
Your husband needs to get some help to control his anger. He is the one that has a problem not you. If he does'nt agree to get the help he needs or does'nt think he has a problem you need to get your son and get out of there as soon as you can. I know from experience that the longer you stay and keep giving him chances with out getting him help it will just keep getting worse every time. I understand wanting to make it work but if you don't stop the cycle now your son will grow up and be abusive to women and maybe even you. I was once told that you teach people how to treat you. My reply was how did I teach him to hurt me. The answer was by letting him do it once and get away with it you are saying it is ok. Just like when your child does some thing they should'nt do and you do not punish him he will keep doing it. Please protect of yourself and your son if you do'nt who will?

oh honey. no no no....you need to get out. my father was abusive. he was prince charming to my mother, and then he slowly turned abusive......he would beat us kids, and then beat my mother. she stayed with him till "we were all grown" for reasons i still don't understand. it took a long time for me to forgive her for letting us go through life with our "father" beating us. and i remember that he was so charming to the dhs and theripists and all the other professional people we went to growing up, that he would acually get them to believe that it was our fault! and they would drill us to do better. so for many years we llived our lives with this man, getting beaten daily, and hide our bruises and worse.

this doesn't only effect you. it effects your children. if he does it to you, he will do it to your children. its only a matter of time. and it never gets better. never. i don't talk to my "father" anymore, but he is remarried, and his new wife has three girls who have been taken away by dhs, yet they gave the girls back after a year.....he still beats the girls, the only difference is, his new wife fights back, tough she won't get out for her girls safety. he is almost 55 or 60 now and is still abusive....nothing has changed. nothing will ever change with that type of men. they are a lost cause.

i still have yet to completly forgive my mother for allowing us to get beat on daily, and not leaving him when we were younger.....i would never put my children through such horrible things......i can't believe my mother allowed her own children to get treated like that. and i never will. and it causes tension between us a lot. you really don't want your children to resent you, do the right thing and get out. there is always a way. always.

you not only have to think of you. you have a little boy that must be your number one priority.....do you really want to take a chance and stick around and see what may happen??? its a very expensive chance, one i would never be willing to make personally.

i hope you really read what everyone else has to say, and really take it to your heart.....you are an adult, but your son is an innocent sweet child and should have a chance at life without anything or anyone harming him.....especially where he lives and should feel comfortable and safe.

make a plan....and get out asap.......and just do it. don't tell him....just leave one day....if you tell him or give him hints, it may be worse than you think.

wish you all the luck. and listen to most of these ladys giving you advice.

You need to leave him now think of your son. Then I would keep an eye on your son when he gets older for signs of him being abusive I've heard it runs in the family. Oprah just had a show on about this topic. Good Luck my prayers are with you and your son. S.

First, I want to say I'm very sorry for the way you and your son are being treated, no one should have to endure absue from someone they love.

Second, I think you know what you need to do. How many chances does one person deserve? You've already given him 10...should you give him 20? 30? Wait until he starts abusing your son? This man needs help and you can't give it to him. He needs to want to get the help. My advice, get out before he does something you won't be able to walk away from, or worse yet, before your son learns his behavior.

he will never quit get rid of him before he hurts you

As you have already read... GET A PLAN.

As much as you love this man, he is an abuser. I know, I am finally divorced from my abuser, no he didnt beat me (all the time) but his shoving, his words, his actions, now I look back and realize when I should have left him. When my oldest was 2... I thought it was going to be ok... but it wasnt, and it only gets worse, your self-esteem goes away, you feel like no one else will want you.

PLEASE get help and move on with you and your son's life. You deserve better.

My prayers are with you!!!

D.
I haven't read what the other women have said. But I feel it is all going to sound the same. I was in a relationship like this with my ex-husband our daughter was 2 yrs. He was very abusive. She is now eight and I can still see the fear in her eyes when the man I live with now and I just yell. I can't express enought on how most men like these do not change their ways. I am not by all means trying to tell you how you should live your life, but I will tell you that it only get worse. This is by experience. You nor your child should have to live like this. You may not have marks that are visible now please do not let it continue. This is not a healty relationship. Best of luck...

Let me ask you one question, Is this how you would like your son to treat his future girlfriends or spouse? If not, then you should figure out an escape plan imediately. THere is no excuse for your husbands behavior. He is abusive and makes excuses for it. There are a lot of people who have had an abusive childhood and yet do not beat their children or wife. PLease, please, please seek help. IF not for yourself, for your childs future.

Get out now. Please read the other 86 responses again if you can't figure out why.

I think I would get some help for yourself. and if he can't not change and keeps it up and does not want help I think it is totally ok to leave beofre he hurts or your son. I wish I could help.

The Lord did not put you here to be someones punching bag. Seek Help. Get your son and yourself out of there. You will never get over it if your husband did something to your boy and you could've prevented it. Call the violence hotline and just talk to someone and see what they can do for you.
Good luck and God bless you and keep you safe.

GET OUT...The first signs of an abuser are apologies and the person saying they will not do it again. It is a repetition. My father acted this way to my mother and eventually on us. Violence and an uneasy household can cause your son to have many learning problems and well as emotional problems, not to mention a low self esteem! For your sake and your sons I would get out as soon as possible...these are obviously the early stages but I guarentee if you stay it will only get worse! For the simple fact that he choked you while you were pregnant would be enough for me to get out! You do not deserve to be hit, etc and it is not ok for your son to see this either! Good Luck!

Oh, I am so glad you're leaving. I watched my mother go through this same thing and let me tell you, they never change. They never stop. It just gets worse.
And it WILL REALLY HURT YOUR CHILD. And he'll start doing it to him as well.
You're doing the right thing. You're one of the lucky ones getting out before you get REALLY hurt or worse. I applaude you for loving your child and yourself enough to leave. Good for you.

D.,

I agree with all the other women who have answered. This is a VERY bad situation to be in for any woman. He has some serious soul searching to do and needs to see a therapist. Since he won't consider counseling I think you have no choice but to put a plan to leave into action.

My father came from an abusive home and is one of the best men I have ever known. His solution was to NEVER raise his voice or hand to anyone no mater how angry he was. I always knew when he was feeling out of control because he would send us to our rooms and say "I'm to angry with you to deal with this now. When I have calmed down I will let you know what we are going to do about your punishment. Punishment was always restriction or removal of privileges. It takes a great deal of character, self control, and will power to over come that type of ingrained behavior. Abusers are created and trained.

Please, don't let your husband train another abuser in the family. You and your little boy deserve better. Take care of yourselves. I will be praying for your safety.

J. N.

D.,
You got a lot of advice! You might be thinking that your husband isn't all that bad but when you stop the dance that you have been dancing all these years. He's going to get uglier! People told me that but I didn't get it. My husband never hit me he just screamed and yelled, pushed me around, and threatened, nothing I couldn't handle. But once I filed for divorce. He choked me, stalked me. I had to watch underneith cars at the grocery store and everywhere. He was obsessed with getting revenge on me. He hated me for dumping him. He would break into my house. He even came to my school where I teach and tried to get at me at work. He even tried after I was remarried. This went on for 6 years, and he had never even hit me before I left him. So all those people that told you he's going to get worse HAVE A PLAN are absolutely correct! Get a plan!! He might even try to steal your child. You need to seek professional advice from people who know this kind of behavior not just an attorney. You also need to get a small recorder and start recording stuff he says to you. You will need as much evidence as possible against him. Sometimes little things that you are used to other people like judges will find very offensive! I saw someone sent you some pretty good websites for finding help to get a plan. And don't be like my friend and decide that this whole thing is in your head and that you blew it out of proportion. My friend said, "Better the Evil I know that the Evil I don't!" Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You didn't make up your husbands bad behavior and you know it. He will continue to get worse whether you leave him or not so best get out while your son is young. Statistics state that It takes eleven tries for abused woman to get out. Don't wait 11 times. It took me more than 11 tries. It took me ten years. Be brave! I just want you to know I've been down this rode. It's a long one and not going to be easy. You are going to have to reach down deep. Your child will grow up viewing him as the strong leader because he's a bully. So you have to be strong and show your son what a strong healthy leader looks like. And people told me get out for your son's sake, or he'll end up just like him. He could end up just like him anyway he has his genetics. That's why it's extremely important that you get away from this man, so that your son has the best possible chance to see a different kind of lifestyle. Can you handle it if your son turns out like this man and know it was your fault? My son is 19 years old today. He does have some of his fathers traits but he's not an obuser, because I got him out of there. I'm so thankful to all those people who yelled at me everyday for 6 years to get out!!!!! When you start dating again pick someone that your son can model after. He will need a good role model because dad will always be dad. But definately get a plan. A short term plan and a long term plan so that you know where you are going and how to stay strong and who your allies are.
It does get better but only time can heal the worries and fears you have right now. Hang in there. This too shall pass. I'm 14 years past all of this. Today I can't believe I was ever married to him. Sometimes like maybe once a year or once every couple of years I have a bad dream and he's in it. And when I wake up I'm so relieved to realize that is my Post Traumatic Stress instead of my real life. Today, it's hard for me to believe I was ever married to that person. My kids can't believe I was ever married to him either. My husband I have now is loving, and doting. But I was careful not to pick the same kind of person again. You can write to me too if you need to talk. There is a lot of people here that believe in you. B.

I hate to see marriages end, but having been abused, I will say things are most likely NOT going to change. As long as he apologizes, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. If he won't agree to counselling or therapy, you need to get out. It is not healthy for your son to see this either. He will grow up just like your husband thinking this behavior is okay because daddy did it. When you leave, he will promise to get help, which likely WILL NOT happen, its just a ploy to get you back. Ask yourself these questions: Would you want your son treating his wife this way? Would you want your sister, daughter, any relative to live like this? If you answered NO, you just answered whether you should stay with this man. They do not change, and it does not get better, and will go on in the next generations of family unless you stop it now!

D.,
If your hubby is abusing you, it won't be long until he takes it out your child. You need to seek help immediately. You need to google your area for a women's shelter and get out. I know that is very scary, especially with a small child, but his behavior is obviously escalating and will only get worse. Do not make excuses for him. There are a lot of depressed men out there who do not hit there wives. I will keep you in my prayers.

Seek an attorney and get legal advice. You can file for a legal separation and this will protect your finances and your child's interest- visitation is even arranged. Then, if he wants to work on the marriage, you go to marriage counseling and he needs individual counseling and anger management. If he refuses to meet these requirements, you divorce him even if it's the hardest thing you have ever done. You owe it to your child to not only protect him from what could be a dangerous situation for him, but also to show him that BEATING A WOMAN IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! If your child sees this, chances of him repeating the family behavior increases. Leave this man for your child's future!!!

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you have to be strong for your son. That kind of physical treatment should NEVER be tolerated and "promising to quit" is not enough. Counseling and separation should be the only options.

Oh my lord, time to go as everyone else has said! Think about just what we have heard in the paper and new media in the last few months. Guy in florida killed all his family, guy in Chicago area did the same, Police man in Ill is now being investigated for his wifes dissapperance & his last wifes death, guy in Jackson, mo just killed his family! NEVER EVER should he touch you. That is a bad sign. Get family support, or call the womens & children shelter for help.

Along with alot of these other women, I was also in that situation. Get out now before your son witnesses at an age that he can remember you allowing it to happen to you. I worked in a womens shelter and I promise it WILL NOT get better. The abusive family is no excuse...period.

Wow. I am not the type to say leave him or give up because I wouldn't give up. But I have been in relationships like that before and would never put myself through that again. And now that I have a 9 year old little girl who sees everything I definately wouldn't let a man hit me. They promise to change and they promise that they won't do it again but it always happens again and again. Do you go to church? Talk to your first lady or pastor. Whichever religion you are if you go to church. If you don't attend church see about getting counseling. And if that doesn't work then you know what you have to do. Get out before it gets worse and just because he doesn't put marks on your body or visible scars he is scarring up your self esteem, your pride and your state of mind. Please, don't let your son see that. He is young enough and you don't want him to see it and when he gets older thinking it is alright for him to hit his girlfriend wife or even his kids like that.

I work for the criminal department and see women come everyday with black eyes asking us not to press charges it was their fault. then he does it over and over. it breaks my heart. find a safe place and go. it is rough but you can do this. good luck you are in my prayers

I was in an abusive relationship with my first husband. I had two children with him. When my son was born, I realized that my son would grow up to be just like his father if I didn't get him out of the situation. Your husband is abusive and will always be unless he doesn't want to and it sound like he doesn't! Go to friends or family. I've also work at a Domestic Violence Shelter in KC. It's not a great option to live in, but you would get alot of help and counseling. You would also be safe from your husband. Leave for your son's sake!

D.-
What you're talking about sounds very serious. Not only for yourself, but for your precious son. I worked for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence a while back and we learned a few things. One is that it would be good to talk to someone who is trained about your situation. There is a national hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. I think they will tell you to get away from him until he proves that he is a safe person to be around. That would mean family counseling. DO NOT try to leave or divorce without a plan!!! More women are killed when they try to leave than when they are living with their partners.
I pray that you will be able to find a safe solution to your problem.
Sincerely,
K.

here is the name and # of a great lawyer Brande' Kaufman ###-###-#### Keep it handy just in case...even if you don't go with her maybe she can recommend another lawyer thant can help you.

I have worn simular shoes as you mine was older than me and verbally abusive and had affairs and flaunted them in front of me. The final straw was when he tried to touch my daughter!

GET OUT!!!!!!!! There is help, buy you have to HELP yourself. Take your child and GO!!!!!!

Hi D.,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but please don't feel gilty or pitty him, it doesn't matter how many times he promise that he won't do it again, he will ,keep doing it because he can't help it, you need to get out from that relationship, even if you love him to feath, you have to go. For your heAlth and for your son.
Talk to your local police department and leave, then your huysband will have to seek for help and oh! Get a restraint order in where he can't get close to you or your child until he gets help and has a doctor permision to start seeing any of you again.
It will only get worse because you are going to start thinking that it is your faul and everything can end up in tragedy.
I am sorry... I know that you wanted to hear other kind of advice.....
Be strong, may be later on you can all get back together if he gets help. But not like this. Leave before it's too late.
Best of luck,
Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com

D.,
I know a lot of people have said the same thing I'm about to say, but do leave NOW. It's imperative that you get your son out of that environment before he turns into what your husband has become. You mentioned that he was from an abusive family, well your son is also from an abusive family & will do the exact same thing if he stays in this environment too long. Your husband needs to seek professional help to get over this before you should even think about letting him be around your son unsupervised. I've had too many friends go through this to even try to tiptoe around the right answer for you. There is a group called Women's Support & Community Services that might be able to help you & guide you to the right decision. If you would like to contact them, they are at ###-###-####. Good luck & God Bless.

My sister went through the same thing and she did not have children. Her husband also grew up in an abusive home like yours did, he kept promising he would change and even go for 3 months to 6 months without hitting her until he would snap again and the cycle would continue. My husband and I talked her into moving in with us for six months. She tried to work it out with him by making him go to counseling but he wasn't willing so she divorced him. Since I was with her day and night, I saw how hard it was for her to take that leap because he really did a number on the way she looked at things almost like it was her fault he acted that way but now she is so glad that she left him. I urge you to call DVIS and I agree with the other women that he will not change.

Leave now! It won't get better, will only get worse, and will leave you and your son with emotional scars that will take years to heal. GET OUT!

Hi, D..
This may not be what you want to hear, but this situation is not going to get better or change. Abuse is usually ingrained in a person due to his or her upbringing, and without extensive psychological and behavioral counseling, it will not change or go away. Please, please, please do what is necessary for yourself and your child and get away from this man as soon as possible. Your health and well beings depend upon it. Find some support from friends or family, and make the break as soon as you can.
Good luck and god bless.

Men like your husband do not change no matter how often they apologize. And worse yet, it won't end with you, he will begin abusing your child. If you do not want to leave him for yourself you absolutely should leave him for your child. Your responsibility is to the safety of your son. You will be able to find someone that loves you enough not to hurt you. You deserve better and your son deserves better. Do not allow your husband to ruin your life. Good luck.

Leave, get out, go. That pretty well sums up my advice. Take your son and go to a shelter for abused women. That's what you are and what your son is learning is normal behavior. I repeat, go!

I agree with everyone else, you need to leave. From personal experience I can tell you it does not get better with time. My former husband didn't hit me at first he pushed, choked and pinned me down same as you. It started out as very infrequent with a lot of apologies and even gifts ( a bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear) and grew into slapping and choking (no apologies or gifts). There are three things you need to remember in this situation:
1. You said yourself "your husband comes from and abusive past" YOU must ensure that that past stops with your son. If you do not leave and your son witnesses these things happening he most likely repeat that patter you do not want that, I'm sure.
2. Any relationship in which you have to censor your speech and actions therefore not being yourself is not a healthy relationship. If you can't be yourself with your husband, who is supposed to be your confidant, your shelter from the rest of the world, then who can you be yourself with?
3. You must leave now to avoid the feeling that all of this is your fault, I already hear traces of that in your post, "he's under alot of stress" "I feel like I set him off" are not the right words to use. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, stress is never a good reason to put your hands on anybody neither is being upset about what you said to him.

I used to fight my ex husband back all the time (once I even broke his toe, he says today it still hurts alot when it rains) then one day I realized this is not happiness, so I packed up my daughter and left him. I was so unhappy at first because a week after I left him I found out i was pregnant with his son, but now I am remarried with a winderful husband that absolutely adores my kids and has never laid a hand on me. You have to be strong makes sure the people around you know what is going on. It may be embarrasing to tell but it will get you the support you need to end this relationship and save your son. If he wants you back he'll go for counseling, but do not go back until his counselor says he is making progress. If he does not seek counseling then do not go back, these problems will not fix themselves.

Girl, you need to GET OUT. I know he's your husband, and you love him and you think that if you just love him enough, you might be able to change him. But you won't. I've been there and I've done that.

You've already told all of us. Tell someone else! Tell a friend, a relative, a preacher at church, a counselor, heck, tell your boss! If he doesn't want to go to counseling, go to counseling yourself. You should never be afraid of your husband for any reason. If he makes you afraid of him, it is NOT a loving relationship. Why would you want that in your life?

If you think he would come after you if you were to leave, I would contact a battered women's shelter as soon as possible. Do it at work so that your husband can't find the phone bill later and threaten you within an inch of your life for thinking about leaving him.

Here is a list of Domestic Violence Agencies in Illiois by City: http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=31886
This is a National Crises Hotline: (866) 592-7870, and this is the website for that: http://batteredmothers.org/services.html

Don't hesitate. You don't want your sweet little boy to have to grow up without his mother. That's what it will escalate to because people like your husband will always preach about change and about sorrow but they never stop.

Good luck hun!

He is not going to change because he does not know how and he doesn't want to or else he would go to counsling. You will hear over and over again that he won't change, you need to leave. But ultimatly, do you want to raise your son that way? If you do not do something, you are continuing the cycle and not leaving your son many options as to who he wants to be. You have a responsibility to your son, do not fail him.

If would have to guess, your husband seems to be of foreign descent. If so, that is usually the way they handle stress, especially if the homeland is a Mideastern origin. Seek spiritual guidance from your minister, rabbi, priest or some trusted spiritually mature friend.

This behavior is and will be more harmful to you and your son as the days progress if something isn't done to show the "right" way to handle yor husband's stress and insecurities.

GBY and GL

What exactly are you giving him another chance to do? Another chance to really hurt you? Did you not take the choking you as a red flag? And he wasn't going to do it again because it might hurt the baby? - well, doesn't that just make him father of the year! Somebody get that guy the nobel prize! What about hurting you. Not just physically, but emotionally. I don't mean to be harsh, but honey, if you don't do something about this, it's going to keep escalating. I know you love him, but you're never going to change him. To me, he sounds like a monster. Your child is going to learn this behavior from him. And probably end up treating you the same way as your husband. My husband is also critical of me sometimes, but he's never laid a single hand on me. Even in the middle of the biggest fights and most drunken rages, not a hand. If he did, that'd be the end of that. Do yourself a favor and don't put up with it. Leave for a while, or for good. Send him a clear messege that that's what went on in his parent's family, but not yours. He will not do that to you, noone deserves it. NOT A SINGLE LIVING BEING!

D.,
You need to call Rose Brooks center or Synergy services. They are both domestic violence centers and services. They have ALOT of expirience with these matters. They offer a HUGE variety of services for victims of DV. You not only need an laywer you need counseling. TRUST me I am a survivor of DV, you need to know that this had NOTHING to do with you...........GOOD JOB getting away, now take another step and get some support, there are more of us out there than you know, you are not alone.

Dear D.,
You have to get him to understand you will not tolerate this situation any longer. If he doesn't get professional help and change his behavior you will have to leave him. Set up a deadline and stick to it because your son's future depends on it. I have a cousin who was in the same situation. She could never bring herself to completely leave him and she continually went back. Her son grew up seeing his mother abused. From a sweet little tike he is now an abusive young man who thinks there is nothing wrong with verbaly or physically hurting women.
Sincerely,
M.P.

I would be concerned about your son witnessing this. Pretty soon he will be able to start remembering things and this will more than likely affect him later in life. It is possible your son will treat people (women) like this if this continues as he's getting older. If it were me, I would give your hubby an option: intensive counseling or divorce.

I would get out as fast as you can. He may not leave any marks right now but they will start. And he is already leaving marks in your emotions, self esteem and self worth. You do not deserve that! He says he is going to change but has proven that he is not going to. You don't want your son growing up thinking it is ok to hit women. I wish you the best of luck.

D.,

Like everyone else has said, I think you need to leave and you know it. Do you have family that you can stay with? If not stay in a shelter until you can get back on your feet. I am scared for you to be honest. It will only get worse. You need to leave sooner than later too. How many times have we heard stories where the woman was in an abusive relationship and getting ready to leave when something bad happened to her? Please don't let this be you. Leave immediately. It is early enough now that your son will be okay but if he continues to see this as he gets older it will be imprinted on his mind forever and he may think this is acceptable.

Please update us when you get a chance.

Please, please, please, GET OUT NOW. Create an escape plan...where will you go, how will you get money, and then MOVE. Also, keep a diary of what he does to you. It could come in very handy if you ever need to press charges or fight for your son. You and your son deserves to live in a safe environment. These things don't go away on their own.

The fact that you are even asking shows that your intuition has already made up its mind you aren't asking for advice you are asking if you will be ok and if you can make it on your own you will and you can. Get out before that precious baby boy of yours learns that he can treat you and all women like that.

Please get out now for you and your child's safety. He will need to get help. Unfortunately things usually progress and will get worse.
I will pray for you,
J Smith

They are all right - you need to get yourself away from him. You have a 2 1/2 year old child. I have a 2 1/2 year old too. don't let him grow up watching your husband abusing you. he'll think it's okay. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS MAN.
I've been in an abusive relationship too and I got out when my son was 5 months old.....

If you want to protect your son and end the cycle leave. If you want to permantely damage him emotionally...teach him to do the same when older AND risk you getting hurt or killed stay. (who would take care of your son then...wouldn't he become the target)It's really that simple. All the in between stuff is just reasons to justify to stay. I think a smart woman that has the best interest of her child at heart leaves immediately. I think you know this and it's why you wrote. There are many organizations that can give you help and guidance. I have seen this MANY times...it NEVER turns out good! This is serious and very concerning.

Pray for guidance and courage...you'll find a way!!

I would honestly say leave him. My husband and I have 2 little boys and when we argue (just yelling no violence), they are terrified and just want me to hold them. There is no way I could ever let them be around someone being violent. And if your son sees your husband being violent and you letting it happen, he is going to grow up thinking that it is okay.

I'd get into therapy with him or leave. It's not going to get better. Your boy will grow up thinking that is normal behavior. End the cycle now!
Julie

Hi D. - I am a stay at home mom who until 3 years ago worked at a domestic violence shelter in south kc. The name of the shelter is Rose Brooks Center. They have an excellent outreach program - counseling for you. Their website is www.rosebrooks.org and their outreach number is ###-###-####. Give the pros a call so that they can listen to your experience and help you find a path that works for you.

There is no easy way around this, but the best plan is to tell him honestly that you love him, but you won't put up with this type of behavior any more. He needs to respect you. Also, your son will learn what he sees at home. His father needs to set an example of love and respect for women, otherwise it is very possible that he will grow up to treat women the same way. I advise you to seek out a Christian Counselor for your marriage and for your husband's problem. One thing to remember: You have to stick to your guns once you say this, or he will only change for a little while, and go back to the same behavior again and again.

Hi D.,

You need and deserve someone who cares for you, who loves you for who you are and respects you as a person. Your husband clearly is not that person.

If you don't want to do what's best for you, then please, do what's best for your son and get out of that situation. Give yourself a chance to find the love you and your son deserve and need.

Please keep us updated, you have found a group of people who care about you.

D. -

I'm sorry you're living in such a situation. No one should be treated like that.

I have two strong opinions on this. First, I think you need to get out of that relationship before something serious happens. He sounds like the typical abusive man - they are usually apologetic and promise never to do it again. You can call Safe Home (abused women's shelter and resources) for information and help. Their number is ###-###-####.

Second, get someone to support you through this. Emma Wood is a wonderful marriage and family therapist who you could talk to about your options. Her number is ###-###-####. Safe Home would have other recommendations for you, too.

Good luck!
K.

You and your son deserve much better than that. I hope your situation resolves soon.
God Bless.

D.:
You may not like my response, but get out!! I will add to that, get out NOW (before you don't have a choice). You are being physically abused, and your son is a product of domestic violence. Abusers always say that they are sorry, that they will change....and then just do it again (often times, getting worse). For your safety and the safey and well-being of your son, you need to leave. Do you have family support? Church? Friends? Either get a restraining order or take your son and get out (there are many shelters that you could go to).
A.

D.,

http://local.yahoo.com/details?fr=dd-local-tl1&id=185...

Above is a link for help with Domestic Violence in Tulsa
(on Harvard Ave.). Please call them. This isn't something you can fix in him. And, it doesn't get better by itself. Please let the experts help you. You have options. At least hear what they have to say. It could be very helpful and empowering to you. Bless you.

I am so sorry to hear about your relationship. I do know that there is no getting better without help. The fact that he won't go for help is a big problem for you. From personal experience from my own and my parents, they always apologize and say they are sorry when they have hurt you. But things just get worse with each incident. They can't control themselves when they are doing it, but then after when they are thinking, they see what they have done. I hope you can find help, but for your safety and your son's you may need to get out. I am now happier than ever, God brought an awesome man into my life.

I would seek help. This is not normal. Nor should you have to put up with being pushed around. Your son doesn't need to see this either. Good luck and I pray you get the help you all need.

Been there done that. He sounds like he has anger managment issues. Please seek help from someone who is qualified to see it. Ask him to go for counseling. Ask him to seek help. What he has (is) doing is not OK. I left someone who was abusive. You should tell him "seek help or I'm out of here" but of course that is just my opinion on it. That is what I had to do. You should not take that from anyone. And if he truely loves you - HE SHOULD NOT BE DOING IT!!!
Please be careful and be safe.

Put yourself in therapy with an experienced psychologist of this field. Dont stay to see if it gets better. Life is too short. The next time he does it may be your last. They always apologize. That takes the guilt off of them & puts it on you. You are still young & have a full life ahead of you. And definitely dont subject the child to this. Just seeing it can be traumatizing. Do yourself a favor & get out. Dont look back & dont question yourself. You shouldnt have to walk on eggshells afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. There is a wonderful book out by the tile "A Weekend to change your life". Cant recall the author right now. Read it & do the work as you go. You may be amazed. I have been married 15 yrs to an functioning alocoholic. I question myself everyday about what to do, what is in the best interest of my son. I now know I should have left a long time ago.

Chances are things are not going to change. Only going to get worse. From experience, I know that if your son is viewing this behavior you can anticipate that he will eventually respond and react in the way your husband is now. Counseling would be great, but you may need to consider an alternative living arrangement.